“I’m on a break, want to eat together?” Nakamaru offered.
Massu opened his mouth before he could think of anything to say, uncharacteristically uneasy in front of his friend. Finally, he decided to stick to the truth, because lying about something perfectly innocent would make it look really weird and not so innocent.
“Er, um... I’m meeting Kento-kun, actually.”
“Oh,” Nakamaru let out and simply nodded, but then a serious idea seemed to cross his mind. “Can we exchange Sexy Zones, please? Mine’s a pain in my sitting zone.”
Massu giggled with a thought for Kikuchi.
“Johnny’s get the kouhai they deserve,” He wisely said as he walked away.
“Yeah, yeah. Have a nice date!”
“Not a date!” Massu called over his shoulder.
He was struck by a memory when he left the building. Rather, he was struck by a feeling from the past, familiar and vague, bringing him back to a time he didn’t quite remember. Was it the cold that persisted despite the sun shining in the cloudless sky? Was it a smell coming from the small park behind the agency?
His steps led him to a quiet spot he knew well. Kento was already waiting for him there, sitting on a bench, photosynthesizing: the low February sun lit up his face with a beautiful golden light. Massu stopped and took a few seconds to admire his closed eyes, his head slightly tilted back and the hint of a smile on his lips.
“Hi,” Kento said softly without opening his eyes.
“Hi.”
Massu sat next to him. The view in front of them wasn’t exactly breathtaking – there weren’t enough trees to hide the gray building – nevertheless it was away from the bustle. He and Kento had first had lunch together on this bench four years ago. They hadn’t made a habit of it, but they had met enough over the years that Massu associated this bench with Kento.
“Aren’t you cold?”
Kento slowly shook his head before opening his eyes, blinking several times to get used to the daylight. Then he opened the plastic bag beside him, took out two onigiris and handed one to Massu, who gave him a strawberry milk carton in return.
“Sexy thank you,” Kento whispered, eliciting a smirk from Massu.
“Thanks for the meal.”
They began to eat quietly, just enjoying the cozy silence. Kento took a sip of his drink and let the straw on his lower lip for a minute, until he resolved to speak.
“I’m scared.”
“About what?”
“The future. My future. The future of Sexy Zone,” He clarified and Massu just knew that the real issue here was the band. “I thought five was a lucky number.”
“There’s no such thing as lucky numbers when it comes to members. Trust me, I tried a few.”
Kento let out an adorable laugh before looking guilty.
“I’m sorry I laughed.”
“It’s okay,” Massu gently said. “I wanted you to.”
He could feel Kento stare at him but Massu pretended to find the onigiri in his hand very interesting so as not to meet his eyes.
“I’m a little cold, actually,” The younger man pointed out.
“Do you want my scarf?”
“What about you? You’ll be cold.”
“My coat is thicker.”
“All right, then.”
As Kento had both hands taken, Massu ended up tying his own scarf around his kouhai's neck, trying not to notice how pleased he seemed.
“You’re a good guy,” Kento commented.
“It’s nothing.”
“What if I’m not good enough?”
“Depends on what for,” Massu stated. “You're a good idol and a good leader, but you're only human. Maybe the day will come when there's nothing you can do, nothing you can save. Don't let that thought suffocate you. Accept it now, so if that day comes, you can face it without getting hurt.”
Kento remained silent for a long time, so much so that Massu feared that he had involuntarily lectured him. He was about to lighten the mood with a joke when the young man let out a long sigh that visibly relaxed his shoulders. He turned to him again with an honest smile.
“Thank you. You’re such a great sempai. (Massu wanted to reply that he and Nakamaru had called him a great kouhai a few minutes ago, but Kento kept talking with a fond look.) I have a long way to go before I can be as much like you as I would like.”
“Then I'll have to work even harder, so you'll never stop looking up to me.”
“I’ll never stop looking up to you,” Kento said so confidently that Massu felt his ears burning.
Then, Kento handed him another onigiri and Massu accepted it with a shy nod.
“Can I confess something to you?” Kento asked lightly, bringing Massu four years back without knowing.
Same bench, different season. Winter had given way to spring and Kento had celebrated his twenty-fifth birthday a couple of months earlier.
“Can I confess something to you?”
Massu had listened with respect and a touch of admiration to this boy who was so certain of how he felt. Massu was incapable of that. In fact, he had rejected Kento before asking himself what his own feelings were, soothing his ego and tempering his fervor with the promise that they would have this conversation again when he was thirty. Actually, Massu was counting on the inconsistency of such a young heart, perfidiously believing that Kento would not have the patience to love him for so long.
In February 2023, twenty-eight years old Kento was giving him an amused look. Massu felt a shiver run down his spine as he realized that Kento had truly become a grown man.
“What is it?” Massu answered eventually.
“I wasn’t cold.”
Massu looked at his scarf tied around his colleague's neck. He wasn’t mad: the scarf looked good on Kento. Besides, he had to admit that he would love to create outfits for him – and if he was completely honest, that he wouldn't mind undressing him either.
“You can keep it,” He offered.
“Really?” Kento opened big eyes.
Such a genuine reaction made Massu chuckle, and he began to think that it had nothing to do with his young age. Maybe Kento was just comfortable with his own feelings and that wouldn't change in one, ten or twenty years. Massu secretly wished he would still be around to see it.
“I'll wear it on my birthday and the next one,” Kento said knowingly, “if you're still okay with that.”
Massu felt terrible. By checking his consent like a decent guy, Kento was actually giving him the occasion to tell him the truth and break his heart a second time.
“You should know that I made that up so you wouldn't love me anymore, after some time. I thought your feelings would have changed long before you turned thirty. I’m sorry.”
Kento kept quiet for a couple of seconds, thoughtful. He didn't look especially sad or angry, but his smile was slightly grimacing.
“Give yourself more credit. You’re Masuda Takahisa: people could love you for decades and still be grateful.”
Massu didn’t know what to say, probably because he had too much to say.
You think too highly of me. I am no worse or better than any other guy. I love that you say the nicest things about me. It makes me dizzy. It scares the hell out of me too, because you'll realize that dating a workaholic is annoying. There is a chance you won't like the real me, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to show you. Does that make me an idiot?
“I’m grateful I fell for you. My silly feelings make me happy,” Kento whispered, looking happy indeed.
“They’re not silly.”
Of all the things Massu would have wanted to say, this somewhat stern protest is all he managed to put into words. It must have done the job, though, since Kento's eyes were literally sparkling.
“I know. I just wanted you to say so. See? That’s why loving you feels so nice.”
“Because I’m easy to manipulate?” Massu asked, raising an eyebrow, but he was unable to restrain a smile.
“Because you’re kind and genuinely thoughtful. The way you look, right now, because surprisingly you’re not good at receiving compliments... It makes my heart beat so fast. I don't want to give up on those feelings.”
Again, Kento looked calm and sure of himself. Massu felt sorry and confused, in comparison. That's what encouraged him to talk.
“I don’t want you to love me for decades, though.”
“You find it embarrassing?”
“I find it... sad. You deserve better than that.”
“I told you I’m fine. Please, let me love you one more year,” Kento begged and Massu didn’t like the fact that he liked it a bit. “I'll leave you alone after that, I promise.”
“That’s not what I meant!” Massu hadn't intended to raise his voice, but he couldn't bear to see the concern on that pretty face. And he wanted even less to be the one to cause it. “I’m sorry, you’ll find out soon that I’m a shitty boyfriend.”
“Soon?” Kento repeated.
“Tonight?” He said in one breath.
There was a hushed silence. Massu really hoped Kento would say something – anything – but it was certainly the normal response to the most anticlimactic confession in history.
“Are you asking me out?” Kento checked.
“I’m afraid so.”
“On a date?”
“I’m trying.”
Kento's smile widened and Massu figured he was probably a lucky man.
“If you still want that,” He pointed out nevertheless. “I mean, you’ve been quite vocal about how you enjoyed fancying me from a distance, and that’s totally valid.”
“I’d love to go out with you,” Kento quickly clarified.
Relieved, Massu let out a breath he didn't know he was holding, making Kento laugh.
“Don’t tell me you were nervous? In what world would I have said no?”
“I don’t know, I... I’m not good with these kinds of things,” Massu explained, smiling apologetically. “I wanted to make it special, like, asking you out at the exact spot where you confessed, but somehow what I said made you think I was rejecting you, so... I panicked.”
There, the charismatic leader of Sexy Zone squealed.
“You’re so fucking cute, Masuda-san. You can't imagine how happy it makes me to see this side of you. Aaah, don’t blush now, I’ll die if you do!” Kento screamed, burying his face in ‘his’ scarf.
“Stop saying weird stuff then!” Massu stammered, undoubtedly blushing harder.
Kento slowly raised his head, a sheepish smile on his lips, his eyes filled with emotion. Massu felt his heart swell with joy and pride at the idea that he could be the reason for such a thrill. He wanted Kento to show him this side of him that he didn't know yet and the other way around.
“Where do you want to go?” Kento asked in a soft tone.
“I was thinking about karaoke. Harmonizing Natsu no Hydrangea with you felt so good, I want to do it again.”
Kento surrendered: he leaned his forehead on Massu's shoulder with another sharp squeak. Massu stayed still for a minute, his eyes fixed on the young man's blue hair. Then he timidly raised his frozen hand to put it on the burning neck of Kento, who shivered strongly against him.