Never thought I'd see you again in my life
Why you been acting like a stranger?
I just wanna go wild
I just wanna fuck shit up and just ride
In your car tonight, in your bed tonight
Hey, my little rager teenager
I've missed you around
There was a vast amount of road ahead of him.
Hokuto didn’t particularly know where he was going. All he knew was that it was slowly nearing midnight, they had been driving for hours now, and he still didn’t know where their destination was. Despite the tire in his system, he had managed to keep his eyes on the road, trying his best to go wherever they were supposed to go. Which, he concluded after the first hour of driving, he would never figure out where.
It had been a mystery, still. There were no details given to him when he was invited to drive tonight by the very person sitting in the passenger seat. Said person, who seemed to glow like the full moon above them, was busy looking out the window, a small smile on his lips that looked serene and calm. Like he had no troubles in the world. Like they could just keep driving and not give a fuck about anything else. Like they were the only ones left in the universe, and he would be fine with that. He would infinitely prefer it if it was just him and Hokuto that existed.
Kyomoto Taiga had always looked beautiful, that much Hokuto knew. Even more when he was illuminated by moonlight, making his blond hair brighter, his pale skin shimmer, and his eyes sparkle. Taiga looked like a constellation made only for Hokuto to admire.
Gripping the steering wheel tight, Hokuto tore his gaze away from Taiga and kept staring at the road, remembering how he was even convinced to come that night.
He had felt incredibly tired from work. Hokuto had busy days and busier nights and it had taken a toll on him finally, his manager telling him he needed to take a short breather before he could go back to working full on, lest he actually collapse in the middle of whatever it was he was doing. Filming, photo shoots, promotions, group activities and Hokuto’s plate was full, too much for him to handle, having spread himself too thin. So he was given a break, urged on by his manager and groupmates, telling him he needed to recharge and be himself again.
Because Hokuto had been on edge too, an unfortunate side effect of the exhaustion. He had snapped once or twice at the other members, Juri reprimanding him once for it, and it was only then that Hokuto realized he was in over his head. He had apologized profusely, to which Jesse and Shintaro chimed in that he shouldn’t mind and that they were fine, Kouchi joining in by saying they understood what he was going through, and that everybody was tired, anyways. New single promotions were going to go full swing in the upcoming weeks, and the pressure was on Hokuto because he had different projects lined up too.
The only one who stayed quiet was Taiga. He simply stared at the scene that unfolded before him, preferring to look on and keep his mouth shut, as he usually did. Hokuto was used to Taiga not reacting when he was having a fit, anyway. So it wasn’t like it was anything new that he didn’t react to this particular incident.
Hokuto brushed it off as nothing, tried his best to convince himself that it wasn’t a big deal. He tried to pick up the pieces of his heart that were aching for no goddamn reason. Other than the fact that maybe he had wanted to get a reaction out of Taiga, too. But that wasn’t going to happen soon. Or ever, at all.
So it was to Hokuto’s surprise when Kyomoto Taiga had knocked on his door that one fine night, all wrapped up, standing in the cold as the early autumn air bit at his skin, staining his cheeks a tinge of pink.
“I need you to come with me tonight,” he said, voice almost as chilling as the atmosphere.
There was something in it that Hokuto couldn’t exactly place. Something akin to a plea, despite the fact that he didn’t even ask. Because Kyomoto Taiga was never one to pull on his punches. And when he wanted something, he made sure to get it.
Which was why Hokuto was wary of his little invitation. “Why?” he countered, but let Taiga in the apartment anyway.
The older boy removed his boots at the entrance and made a beeline for the kitchen, almost as if he had the place memorized like the back of his hand. Odd, since he had been there in only the rarest of times.
“Because I need you to,” Taiga responded, pouring himself a glass of water, looking too comfortable in Hokuto’s home. It had a slight effect on Hokuto, somehow, a sensation tugging on his heartstrings. But he tried not to think too much of it.
“And what if I didn’t want to?” Hokuto said, almost as if challenging Taiga. He hadn’t meant to, of course. But he was also curious as to why Taiga was suddenly in his apartment unannounced, making him go with him to god knows where.
“I don’t see any reason why you wouldn’t want to,” Taiga said, unphased, “seeing as you’re not busy with anything.”
“And I don’t see any reason why I would want to, either. And maybe I was just about to do something. Like, I don’t know, rest?”
“Yea, sure you were,”
“And what if I was?”
“Spare me the excuses, Hokuto,”
Hokuto raised his eyebrows, surprised at the slight acid in Taiga’s tone. “Look, work has been killing me, okay? I think I need some time alone.”
“I know. You’ve been snapping at everybody recently. Which is why you need this, and why you’re coming with me,” Taiga set down the glass he was holding and walked towards Hokuto, almost losing his patience. “What else were you going to do anyway?”
“I haven’t had enough sleep lately. Maybe I need it,”
“And I haven’t had enough of you lately,” Taiga countered, gritting his teeth, taking Hokuto aback with how assertive he had sounded.
Taiga rarely raised his voice, especially to him. He was usually a calm person, preferring to deal with things in a mellow manner, than explosive emotion. Hokuto had always envied him for it. Because while Hokuto kept quiet when he was mad, it also meant he bottled up his emotions a lot. But Taiga could still express his own emotions, only in a calmer way.
So Hokuto was more than surprised that there was an edge to Taiga’s voice now, talking to him. Maybe he had pushed the wrong button.
Taiga sighed, closing his eyes, seeming to have caught himself.
“The past few days, months, years, I haven’t had enough of you,” he said. “Maybe I need you, Hokuto. Do you ever think of that?”
Hokuto had never heard Taiga sound this desperate, either.
“I…” Hokuto tried to choose his words, “why?”
“Why, what?” Taiga responded, sounding defeated.
“Why now and why this? What for?” Hokuto had to ask. He had to know. “Kyomoto, we haven’t had so much as a conversation in… who even knows how long. What is this for? Why are you here?”
Because he had a right to know, too. Maybe he was a little convinced by the plea in Taiga’s voice, but it didn’t mean Hokuto didn’t want to know what the reason was. And why it seemed like it was a matter of life and death for the older boy. Like he was going to lose something grand if he wasn’t able to convince Hokuto to go with him.
“I just…” Taiga started, averting his eyes. He didn’t want to tell the truth, but he knew he should, too. He knew Hokuto had every right to know. He knew that if he didn’t, Hokuto wouldn’t be convinced. So he should. He should tell every bit of the truth, of the reason.
“I miss us,” he said suddenly, surprising Hokuto further. In his peripheral vision, Taiga could see Hokuto flinch at his words, probably shocked to have heard them being uttered and coming from him.
“Us?” Hokuto tried to keep his voice steady, but he knew he was faltering. There was a crack there that he knew was rooted from the fact that his broken heart seemed to kickstart back to life the moment Taiga used that word to refer to them. The both of them. Together. Us.
“Us,” Taiga said, finding Hokuto’s eyes this time. He needed to look into the younger boy’s eyes when he said this. He knew it. “2012, remember? We were inseparable.”
Hokuto’s breath hitched.
That year. That fucking year. Four numbers in that combination, almost like a trigger for Hokuto’s memories, both the best and the worst. There was too much that went on that year. Things that he wanted to never forget, but also wanted to disappear. He didn’t know why Taiga was mentioning it now. Especially because Hokuto hadn’t realized that that year meant something to Taiga as well.
Taiga kept his gaze on Hokuto, and Hokuto found himself unable to look away. Not when there was a heavy and deep emotion swimming in Taiga’s eyes, luring him to drown. The older boy spoke again.
“The way you were acting lately… I just remembered all those years ago. When things weren’t like this. When I wasn’t this way, and you weren’t that way. When it was just you and me. We didn’t care about anyone else,” he said. “Nothing else mattered because we had each other. And we were so close we didn’t even notice and realize just how close we were. Things were fine, they were better, and we were so fucking happy . And I just…”
Taiga took a deep breath, a little bit overwhelmed by his sudden burst of emotion. “I miss us.”
Curious, Hokuto searched Taiga’s eyes, seeing that there wasn’t any amount of lie in them, not even a hint. Taiga had spoken honest and true, genuine and sincere, the whole truth uttered from his words. And maybe that was a relief for Hokuto. Maybe he felt relieved that this wasn’t just some ploy to convince him. Maybe that was reason enough.
But.
“But…” Hokuto said out loud, insecurity and heartbreak eating him from within, remembering that specific year, and the years that came after. Remembering the very reason why the both of them weren’t even like that anymore, in the first place. Remembering why they had stopped being… them.
“But you didn’t even want us,” Hokuto continued, words hollow and hurting, Taiga hitching a breath when he heard them aimed at him. Hokuto didn’t regret saying them, though. It was the real truth. The harsh, painful, truth.
For a while, they simply looked at one another, not knowing what to do with the atmosphere, thick with tension and nostalgia and regret. There was so much heartache floating in the air that they could swear they could feel it on their fingertips. Taiga kept his eyes on Hokuto, despite what the younger boy had said, trying his best to think of the reason behind the truth Hokuto had dropped on them.
Because it did hold part of the truth, in some way. Taiga had wanted them so badly, during that time. But Hokuto had wanted more. And Taiga wasn’t sure if he could handle more, just yet. Not when he was a stupid, bitter teenager who didn’t know any better.
He felt like he couldn’t handle Hokuto’s love. Especially not the boy’s heavy heart.
“I— I didn’t… I wasn’t…” he tried to find the right words, only to come up short.
Hokuto shook his head, almost as if to tell Taiga to not bother.
“You miss what we were before we slowly and subtly started to tear each other apart, without realizing it,” Hokuto said, voice haunting. “Is that what you miss?”
Taiga did miss that. Missed how they were when they hadn’t acknowledged what they were yet. When things looked like they were simpler, lighter, better. Except he also knew that they had always been complicated. Always such a tangled web of maybes and what ifs.
So he could do nothing but nod, agreeing with what Hokuto said. Hokuto was right, anyway. He always had been.
“I miss being teenagers,” Taiga finally managed to say, voice sounding a little broken, “stupid, reckless, irresponsible teenagers. We were a mess together.”
He took a deep breath, knowing that the next words he was going to say were going to make or break this moment. Now or never.
“But at least we were together,” Hokuto beat him to it, taking the words right out of his mouth, Taiga surprised at the younger’s sudden reply.
He blinked twice, trying to understand the meaning hidden underneath the way Hokuto was looking at him, eyes brighter than they had seemed earlier. Like he had realized something, somehow. Something that he was willing to take a risk for.
“Do you want to be together again?” Hokuto said, the words sounding so beautiful. A promise of false hope that Taiga still clung onto, still believed in.
Taiga agreed, chose to nod again, afraid of his own voice, of what he might end up saying. Hokuto stepped towards him, so close, close enough that Taiga had to blink rapidly to be able to focus on the way Hokuto was smiling at him. That smile he usually had when they were younger. That smile that felt so familiar yet also felt so brand new. Taiga had missed that smile. Hey. Hey, you. I’ve missed you around.
“Okay,” Hokuto whispered into the air. Taiga caught his own breath, heart feeling like it was lumped into his throat and preventing him from breathing. But it also felt like life got breathed back into him, into his lungs, after such a long time of clawing for it. Hokuto was here. Hokuto had said yes.
“Run away with me,” Taiga whispered back, not being able to stop his words from falling out of his lips. It wasn’t a question. It was a statement.
Hokuto smiled again, then reached for Taiga’s hand, lacing their fingers together in a perfect tangle, the spaces between their fingers fitting together perfectly. Like it always had. Like it always should. Like it always would.
“Where to?” Hokuto tightened his hold on Taiga, a subtle tell that he didn’t want to let go.
Taiga’s heart jack-hammered in his chest. This was real. This was happening. This was them.
“2012,”
What if we run away? What if we left today?
What if we said goodbye to safe and sound?
What if we start to drive? What if we close our eyes?
What if we're speeding through red lights into paradise?
My youth, my youth is yours
Runaway now and forevermore
Hokuto adjusted the mask on him, covering a good portion of his face, hopefully enough to not get him recognized. His glasses were perched high on his nose bridge, purely for ornamental purposes, settling with contacts that night instead. But the glasses were necessary to the whole disguise, of course. He didn’t want to be caught and be plastered on the pages of a tabloid, after all. He was right to worry.
“Are you done being paranoid yet? Clock’s ticking,”
His companion, however, seemed to not be worried at all with what they were planning to do, despite the fact that he was even more of a household name than Hokuto was.
Hokuto pulled off his mask and turned to Taiga, who was still laughing from teasing him. “How are you not worried that we would get caught? We could get in trouble, you know.”
“Oh please,” Taiga leaned his head back against the passenger seat’s headrest, playfully rolling his eyes. “I’m wearing a hat, you’re wearing glasses, we’ll both be putting on masks, and we won’t look suspicious. We’ll be fine.”
Taiga never really did worry much about the paparazzi. Hokuto guessed it might have been because he was used to them, since a very young age. Used to cameras following him everywhere he went, snapping unwanted pictures here and there, trying to make stories out of it that tried to speak the truth, even though they ended up saying things far from it. Taiga was used to being paid attention to. It wasn’t like he had much of a choice, anyway.
Sometimes Hokuto wondered if that was the reason why Taiga preferred to stay at home in peace, or to keep to himself when not prompted by others. But he never really got the chance to ask Taiga about it. Not even before.
“What are we getting again?” Hokuto adjusted his glasses this time, a nervous habit.
“Drinks, snacks, alcohol, cigarettes,” Taiga responded, looking out the window. The car was parked near a secluded Family Mart, one that seemed to not have that much foot traffic. Hokuto picked it when Taiga insisted they needed to stop over at a convenience store, first. “And uh… what else do you bring on a spontaneous late night drive?”
Hokuto shrugged. “Depends where you’re going,” then he realized, “where are we going?”
“Questions need not be answered at the moment,” Taiga smirked. “Let’s go? We don’t have all night.”
“I’m going to throw up,”
Taiga simply laughed out loud at Hokuto again, throwing his head back, eyes crinkling.
Hokuto looked over at Taiga, at first in disbelief at how nonchalant the older boy was, but eventually he was mesmerized. There was always something about Taiga laughing that caught Hokuto’s heart, squeezing it tight and wanting it to burst. He had remembered that same feeling all those years ago, the first time he had made Taiga laugh out loud to the point of stomach hurting and tears forming in his eyes. It had been a different sensation, altogether. Like Hokuto wanted to hear that laugh over and over and over again, a symphony on replay, a melody on repeat. Like he had wanted to be the cause of it, always.
“You have a really pretty laugh, you know,” he couldn’t help but say out loud. It was true, after all. Every time Taiga laughed, he looked incredibly young, his eyes glowing, cheeks turning pink, voice pitching up higher. Hokuto wanted to hear that laughter forever.
Taiga stopped for a moment and stared back at Hokuto, surprised. “Oh, uhm, I…” he said, suddenly at a loss for words. There was a comfortable yet weighted silence between them, Hokuto just staring into Taiga’s eyes and eventually glancing down at his lips, while Taiga was too caught to look away.
He forced himself to tear his gaze away from Hokuto, lest he get trapped in it the whole night. Then he shook off his nerves and smirked again. “Race you to the konbini, Matsumura!” he said, opening the car door and dashing out of the vehicle.
Hokuto widened his eyes and panicked, fumbling to get the keys out of the ignition. “Kyomoto!” he called out, “goddammit, unfair! Why do you get a head start??”
Taiga laughed again as he ran towards the brightly lit Family Mart, trying his best to not slip on the streets. Hokuto eventually got out of the car, making sure it’s fully locked, before sprinting his way to the convenience store as well, catching up to Taiga easily. He grabbed the older boy by the waist and they both laughed heartily, almost in perfect harmony, as Hokuto kept them upright so they wouldn’t crash to the ground. Taiga turned around in his hold, still laughing, not even bothering with trying to break free.
When their laughter had died down a little, both standing in a rather shaded part of the street, Taiga smiled up at Hokuto, tilting his head to the side adorably. “Made you run,” he said playfully, proud of his own mischief.
“I caught up pretty fast,” Hokuto replied, leaning down a little to level his face with Taiga’s, smiling back at him as the both of them still panted. “I even caught you. ”
Taiga simply shrugged, placing one hand on Hokuto’s shoulder to steady himself, the other on the boy’s chest. “You always do,” he could feel Hokuto’s fast heartbeat underneath his palm, wondering if it was because of the fact that they ran, or something else entirely different. He didn’t know what he was supposed to feel if it was the latter.
“Uhm,” Hokuto blinked, looking like he wasn’t sure if he should let go and move away, or keep holding and stay.
On one hand, they were in the present, in a position they usually wouldn’t be in. On the other, they were supposed to pretend to be like before, like their past selves. So something like this shouldn’t be a big deal. They’ve done more things when they were younger, after all.
Somehow, Taiga sensed Hokuto’s worry, and untangled himself from the boy’s hold. He held Hokuto’s hand instead, lacing their fingers together like Hokuto did earlier that night, a comfort they were both starting to get used to again. “Come on,” he said, pulling Hokuto towards the store, “I want onigiri, tomato chips and whatever the fuck cigarette you’re smoking these days.”
Hokuto just nodded, trying to avoid the rapid beating of his heart.
They put on masks before entering the store, an extra precaution that Hokuto was not going to allow to be ignored, because they couldn’t take risks. Taiga almost seemed to not mind, though, walking casually toward the junk food aisle and immediately locating tomato flavored chips. Hokuto walked towards a different aisle, trying to look for his own.
Tall enough to see over the shelves, Hokuto had spotted Taiga’s familiar mop of blond hair from the next aisle, looking intently. Taiga had a pensive expression on his face, pursing his lips as he looked for more snacks to purchase.
“Hmm,” he hummed, curling his fingers around his chin, “what would Hokuto like?”
Hokuto tried not to react outwardly at the fact that Taiga was even considering looking for something for him, willing his heart to stop beating so damn fast. It was just snacks, for fuck’s sake. No need to get worked up about it.
Clearing his throat, Hokuto spoke. “Uh, the spicy ones. Next to what you got,” he said from the other aisle, wanting to avoid Taiga looking at him, but reacting a bit too late. Taiga had already looked up and looked into his eyes, surprised to see him there.
“Oh,” Taiga said, then he smiled wide, pleased that Hokuto had been near enough to answer his question to himself. “I’m buying you two of those then.”
“Kyomoto, you don’t need to—”
“Three if you refuse,” Taiga warned, wiggling his eyebrows.
Hokuto groaned. “Fine,” he agreed, “but I’m buying the drinks. And cigarettes. Stop spending on me.”
Taiga laughed again. And Hokuto really couldn’t get enough of that sound.
“Fine, fine, and no way in hell,” he said, grabbing two of Hokuto’s preferred chips.
More snacks filled their basket, drinks soon after, sodas, water, some light alcohol, nothing too hard. Taiga was supposed to get some of the worse ones, but Hokuto stopped him before he could, towering over him from behind, a firm hand on the door of the refrigerator.
Taiga could feel heat coming from Hokuto’s body, despite the many layers in between them, as Hokuto placed a hand over his to slowly close the cold door. He hadn’t known why Hokuto had stuck close to him, why he couldn’t just do it from the side, why he didn’t just tell Taiga to close it himself. Instead, he had moved his hand over Taiga’s and slowly pushed the door close, then slowly pulled Taiga’s hand away from it, both their cold fingers intertwining.
“I’m driving, you’re telling us where we’re going, and we’re both lightweights,” he said almost in a whisper, voice incredibly low, sending a chill down Taiga’s spine even more than the temperature of the refrigerator in front of them. “So, no way. No hard stuff.”
Taiga rolled his eyes jokingly, trying to ignore his nerves coming alive. “Killjoy,” he said, but let it pass, escaping from Hokuto’s hold and skipping over to grab some onigiri and bento.
Hokuto watched him from afar and smiled to himself, remembering a scene all those years ago when they had visited a similar convenience store, because Taiga had been bored on set and wanted to do something different while they were on break from filming. He dragged Hokuto to the nearest Lawson and very nearly made him buy all the tomato flavored snacks in it, had Hokuto not told him some of them were just artificially flavored. Taiga’s whole world felt like it was flipped upside down that day. But all Hokuto could think about was how he was the most adorable thing, and how Taiga had held his hand tight all the way to the store and back, like it was the most natural thing to ever happen.
“Do you smoke menthols?” Taiga called out, snapping Hokuto back to reality.
“What?”
“Or are you more of the stronger kind?”
There were tons of cigarettes to choose from behind the counter, and Taiga was looking at all of them like they were packs of candy and not boxes of cancer sticks.
“Uh,” Hokuto walked towards him, “yea, sure, menthols would be fine. Lights too, so it’s not too hard on your throat.”
Taiga turned to him. “My throat?”
Hokuto shrugged, placing their basket on the counter. “Wouldn’t want to destroy your voice.”
“My voice? Wait, what?”
“You sing, Kyomoto. Don’t want that affected,”
“You sing too, you know,” Taiga pointed out, already hearing the harmony in his head. Hokuto’s lower register with his higher key. Like they had always been meant to sing together.
Hokuto simply looked at him, soft eyes and a softer gaze that made Taiga’s heart skip a beat.
“Not like you do,” he said, moving closer.
It had a deeper meaning, somehow. Something Taiga wanted to ask further, but not sure if he wanted to get the answer to. So he let it be, for now. Maybe he could ask Hokuto later, when they would be busy on their drive and Hokuto would be too distracted by the road to think straight.
They were thankful that the cashier on the counter seemed to not give a shit who they were. Either that, or he hadn’t noticed. Or he had, he just really didn’t want to deal with it at that time of night. Hokuto was grateful for it, either way, because it gave him an opportunity to breathe, thinking they might actually pull this off without getting caught or recognized.
He stood pretty close to Taiga on the counter, closer than usual, the older boy with his wallet already out and ready to pay for their total bill. Hokuto would’ve insisted on paying for all of their purchases, but that would just cause a ruckus, and he really didn’t want to make a scene right now. So he opted for paying Taiga in the car. They seemed to have a long drive ahead of them anyway. Wherever the hell they were going.
Just when he thought things were going smoothly, a young girl, looking about their age, lined up next to them on the counter. She had quite the number of magazines in her arms, a smile on her face indicating she was excited for her haul. Hokuto glanced over at her subtly, spotted a familiar head of blond hair on the topmost magazine cover. To his discomfort, he saw his own face next to the blond hair. Which only meant one thing, of course.
“Shit,” he cursed out, whispering the word with a small voice.
“Hmm? What’s wrong?” Taiga was about to turn to him when Hokuto suddenly stepped closer, snaking an arm around Taiga’s waist before landing a hand on the older boy’s hip. He pulled Taiga close to him, almost like he was caging him in, their faces inches apart. Taiga’s heart skipped a beat, remembering a familiar scene that looked just like the one that was happening, except in a much more public light, the both of them on stage in front of an audience.
But he shook it off and asked Hokuto again. “Hokuto?” he called out in a hushed tone.
“Don’t turn around,” Hokuto said in a low voice, breath directly against Taiga’s ear, sending tingles all over the older boy’s body.
“Why? Is everything okay?”
“Yea, yea, no just,” Hokuto grimaced, “the girl behind us is holding a magazine with our faces on the cover.”
Oh. Oh. That was not good.
“Shit,” Taiga said, mirroring Hokuto’s worry.
Hokuto smirked at him, letting out a little chuckle, the vibration of his vocal cords sounding so velvety and inviting, like rich dark chocolate melting in Taiga’s hands. “Exactly what I said,” he voiced out, and Taiga just now noticed exactly how close they were. How Hokuto was breathing calmly but deeply, obvious that he was trying to stay put but was also nervous at the same time. The last thing they wanted was to get caught by a fan, of all people.
It wasn’t that they didn’t want to be seen out and about together. It would be a surprise, of course, but nothing out of the ordinary. But given the time of night and the place they were at, which was some random Family Mart that Taiga had spotted in a secluded part of the city—somewhere only people in that area would know about—it had looked a little bit suspicious. So getting caught would definitely turn some heads.
The cashier seemed to move incredibly slow the moment they had spotted whoever was behind them. Like he had purposely moved slower and slower and Hokuto’s patience was honestly running thin, his hold on Taiga’s hip a little tighter with each second that passed. He was about damn ready to snap the next heartbeat, had Taiga not placed a hand over his, willing him to calm down.
“Hey, it’ll be fine, Hokuto,” Taiga whispered, tracing circles with his thumb onto Hokuto’s skin, Hokuto lacing their fingers together again for added comfort. “You have quite the hold on you,” the older boy teased, “Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere.”
Hokuto loosened his hold on instinct, not realizing just how tight he had been holding Taiga. “Sorry, I didn’t mean—”
But Taiga pulled on him again before he could snatch his hand away. “I’m not complaining,” he smiled, holding onto Hokuto so he wouldn’t move back.
Hokuto nodded, voice and heart caught in his throat, Taiga’s words echoing in his head. I’m not going anywhere.
When the cashier had finally punched in all of their purchases—which wasn’t even a lot, for fuck’s sake, he was just moving too damn slow—Taiga handed him cash and grabbed his change, not bothering to count. Hokuto hurriedly grabbed onto the plastic bag and directed Taiga towards the exit, a gentle hand on the older boy’s lower back.
Right as they were about to get out, Hokuto heard a loud enough whisper being said, a girl’s voice catching his attention.
“Wasn’t that Matsumura-kun and Kyomoto-kun?”
Fuck.
“Huh? Where?” another girl said.
Taiga seemed to have caught on as well, looking at Hokuto with wide eyes, almost as if asking him what the hell they were supposed to do. Hokuto understood him immediately, even without words.
“Run,”
They both dashed out of the convenience store, Taiga barking laughter out loud in the air. Hokuto laughed along with him, at first worried about what might happen, but Taiga’s laughter was just too contagious and he couldn’t help himself. Their long legs took them back to the car in an instant, Taiga almost tripping over his own had Hokuto not urged him along.
“Jesus Kyomoto, you really need to work on your sprints!” he said breathlessly, waiting for Taiga to catch up.
“Not my fault you’re oh-so athletic!” Taiga countered, reaching for Hokuto’s hand to pull himself along, still endlessly laughing at their mishap.
They reached the car in no time, and Hokuto circled the vehicle to get to the driver’s seat, almost throwing the plastic bag he was holding before remembering it had beverages inside.
“Oh my god, hurry up,” Taiga still found everything absolutely hilarious, Hokuto fumbling to get the car keys out of his pocket.
“Drive, drive, drive, ” Taiga said hurriedly, heart pounding in his chest.
“That is not helping, just so you know,” Hokuto laughed back, his hands shaking from adrenaline.
He finally jammed the key in the ignition, turning it and removing the handbrake. The vehicle roared to life, Hokuto stepping on the gas pedal in an instant, Taiga momentarily forgetting to brace himself and getting slightly thrown back to his seat.
Taiga was still laughing hard, couldn’t seem to stop himself from doing so, Hokuto joined him as they drove further away.
There was an incoming red light at a rather deserted street, and Taiga looked over to the driver’s side, a thought passing through his mind.
“You’re kidding,” Hokuto said, already knowing what Taiga was going to suggest. He glanced over at Taiga, then gripped the steering wheel tighter. “I swear, Kyomoto, if we make the news…”
“There is practically nobody here. It’s not a busy street, Hokuto,” Taiga responded, finally putting on his seatbelt. “If we make the news, I’ll make my Dad pay them off.”
“No fucking way,”
“Yes fucking way,” Taiga smirked. “Now do it. You want to. I know you do. And I want to see it.”
Hokuto’s heart beat even faster, adrenaline coursing through his system as the traffic light was coming nearer, still bright green.
“Hokuto,” Taiga insisted, “any minute now.”
“This is so fucking crazy,”
“We’re a bunch of crazy fucking kids. Who gives a shit, anyway?” Taiga said, almost mockingly, referring to their younger selves. They had done crazier things before, in secret. And it created quite the best memories.
“Hey,” Taiga called out again, sensing the energy through the air. Hokuto looked at him, struggling to keep his eyes on the road.
Taiga tucked some of his blond hair behind his ear, ponytail getting messed up from all the running and laughing they had done. He bit on his bottom lip and looked at Hokuto with dark hued eyes, a message in them that was evident, but Hokuto still avoided. He knew what those eyes meant. What that look meant. What it meant when Taiga tucked his hair behind his ear, bit on his lip, and looked at him a certain way. It made the blood under his skin dance, nerves going haywire, butterflies in his stomach bursting to pieces. There was a meaning to that look. That look.
“Take us to paradise,” Taiga whispered.
All Hokuto could do was gulp.
The light turned orange, but the engine roared to life. Hokuto stepped on the gas, his eyes focused on the road, as he sped through the orange light that eventually had turned red, speeding through the red light with determination. The moment they passed the traffic light, he let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. And the second Taiga was laughing out loud again, he was joining him after.
“ Fuck, that was fun,” Taiga yelled, going back to properly sitting down, a little bit of laughter still escaping his lips. “Wasn’t that fun??”
“I can’t believe I just let you make me do that,”
“Hey, I didn’t make you. You just did it,”
“Yes, you did!” Hokuto chimed in, smiling. “With that look of yours or whatever. You know I can’t resist that.”
Taiga smirked. “Oh?” he turned to Hokuto again, “you can’t? You can’t resist me?”
Hokuto closed his eyes momentarily, having just realized what he actually said. “That’s not what I meant.”
“That is exactly what you meant,”
“You are just having the time of your life now, aren’t you, Kyomoto?” Hokuto laughed.
Taiga shrugged, then reached over to Hokuto, almost crawling over him. Hokuto blinked rapidly, not knowing what was happening. “W-What are you—?”
“Shush,” Taiga crawled over Hokuto’s lap slowly, a bit of a tease as he moved his hips.
“U-uhm, wait, I—” Hokuto stuttered, about to ask again when he heard something click into place. Taiga crawled back to his seat, a mischievous smirk plastered on his face. Hokuto glanced down and saw that his seatbelt was now firmly buckled, hence the clicking sound earlier.
“Safety first,” Taiga chimed in, smug. “What did you think I was doing?”
Hokuto let out a frustrated groan. “Ugh, fuck you.”
Taiga simply laughed again, enjoying his antics way too much.
“Where are we going, anyway? I don’t even know if I’m going in the right direction,” Hokuto said, trying to calm himself down after what had just happened.
“You are. I’ll tell you when we get there,”
“Which is where?”
“Unimportant, as of now,”
“But how do I know?”
“Just…” Taiga took a deep breath, looking out the window.
Hokuto sneaked another glance at him, the night lights of Tokyo illuminating Taiga in a certain glow, casting shadows and highlights on him that made him look even more beautiful than he was. Like he was meant to be here. Like Hokuto was meant to be looking at him. Like they were meant to be doing this.
“Just keep driving,”
And then Hokuto thought that he would. He most definitely would, under any circumstances. To the ends of the Earth, as long as Kyomoto Taiga was by his side.
Running on the music and night highs
But when the light's out, it's me and you now
'Cause there's still too long to the weekend
Too long till I drown in your hands
Too long since I've been a fool
Leave this blue neighbourhood
Never knew loving could hurt this good
And it drives me wild
'Cause when you look like that,
I've never ever wanted to be so bad
It drives me wild
“I’m really starting to think you just asked me to come because you wanted someone to drive you around,” Hokuto smiled wide, airy laughter escaping his lips and making Taiga’s ears tingle from the beauty of it.
“I actually think so, too,” Taiga teased back, going along with it.
“You could’ve hired a chauffeur,”
“Nah, I’d rather go on a drive with you,”
So now Hokuto was here, Kyomoto Taiga in the passenger seat next to him, looking out the window as the moon illuminated his face with a bright glow. Hokuto still didn’t know where they were going, but he had kept driving anyway.
They seemed to have driven out of Tokyo, by now. Gone were the brightly lit streets and the tall skyscrapers and the city lights that never seemed to end. The road ahead was long, and their surroundings peaceful, an indication that they were out of the city. Hokuto wasn’t exactly sure what direction they had headed towards, letting Taiga instruct him which turns he should take.
At this point, he thought they were going to drive forever. And for some reason, Hokuto wasn’t worried about that at all.
The first hour they were on the road, Taiga had turned the radio up high and they both sang songs in full volume. Taiga had belted out notes here and there in perfect tune, Hokuto being shy at first to join him but eventually did, in perfect harmony.
The older laughed in happiness, the sound tattooing itself into Hokuto’s memory. Taiga had been doing a lot of laughing that night, and Hokuto couldn’t be any happier about it. It was a sight to behold, seeing Taiga happy. Something Hokuto always wanted to see, no matter what happened. He knew that was impossible, and that there would be days where it just wasn’t happening, so he treasured each moment that he could. Especially when he was the one who caused it.
“God, I love this song!” Taiga said out loud, probably for the fifth or sixth time already, Hokuto had lost count. It didn’t matter though. What mattered was that Taiga sang to it again, and the notes filled the car’s atmosphere, a comforting sound.
Eventually, their laughter had died down a little, mellow songs playing on the radio instead. Taiga hummed, energy still buzzing, bobbing his head to the music.
It was nearing the eleventh hour, nearing midnight by the second, and they were still driving. Maybe Taiga really did want to drive forever. And maybe Hokuto was fine with that, too. To anywhere, to nowhere. As long as they were together.
“Take a turn here,” Taiga instructed, and Hokuto followed, much like he had been doing all night. Much like he had been doing ever since he met the boy, actually.
An eventual silence fell upon them, comfortable yet heavy. Weighted with something Hokuto couldn’t exactly place but knew existed. Taiga felt the same tension, he noticed, the older clearing his throat and adjusting the way he sat.
Hokuto noticed that they’ve driven all the way to the infamous beaches of Kanagawa, remembering how Taiga mentioned that Shintaro had brought him there a couple of times to accompany him while he surfed. Those were the times when Shintaro still couldn’t figure out what he felt for Jesse. Ever since they’ve gotten that sorted, though, it was Jesse who came with him. So maybe Taiga had missed the place.
Taiga turned to him, beaming. “Park on the sand?”
Hokuto smirked. “Won’t we be trespassing?”
“Like we haven’t done crazier shit tonight?” Taiga pointed out, smile wide and big enough that it looked like it was going to split his face in two.
“I guess so,”
Hokuto drove towards the beach, right on the sand, not even caring that his car would probably be needing a thorough amount of cleaning when they get back to Tokyo after this. When they were a distance away from the road and were in the middle of the vast and quiet beach, Taiga almost couldn’t wait to get out of the car. The vehicle barely stopped before he opened the passenger door and jumped out, racing towards the water.
“Come on, Hokuto!” he yelled out, turning around to smile at the younger, sunshine spilling out from the way he was laughing. “You’re not getting any younger!”
Hokuto haphazardly parked the car, stepping on the brake pedal a little too suddenly, but not giving a fuck. He unbuckled his seatbelt and ran towards Taiga, who was still swiftly heading towards the edge of the beach and towards the cold water. Hokuto caught up, as he always did, and grabbed Taiga by the hand, their fingers interlacing. Taiga let out another hearty laugh, louder when Hokuto grabbed him by the waist and lifted him up in the air, turning him around and spinning.
They advanced towards the water like that, Taiga’s head spinning from both Hokuto’s doing and the way Hokuto was holding him. And the way the butterflies in his stomach danced until combustion, telling him that he was feeling a little too much and not regretting a single bit of it.
When they reached the edge, Hokuto slowed down a fraction, settling Taiga back down on his feet, the tips of their sand covered shoes touching the cold water of the sea, splashing towards the shore. Hokuto chuckled, towering over Taiga. The older looked up at him, mirroring the expression on his face. Pure joy.
With a lick to his lips, Hokuto took a deep breath, lifting a hand to tuck blond hair behind Taiga’s ear. And if Taiga’s heart skipped another damn beat, he didn’t notice all that much anymore. Mostly because it had been doing that the entire night anyway, slowly getting used to it.
“Hey, wildfire,” Hokuto whispered through the thick air, staring into Taiga’s eyes with a look so soft Taiga felt like he was on cloud nine.
Taiga’s breath hitched, and before he could answer, the sea breeze blew harder, and what a sight that was. What a sight this wonderful boy was. Matsumura Hokuto with midnight black windswept hair, red cheeks from the cold, panting from their sprint, lips swollen from biting on it, and likening him to a beautiful disaster. Taiga wouldn’t have had it any other way.
“Hey, hurricane,” he managed to say, despite his voice cracking from so much emotion. I’ll be your wildfire if you’ll be my hurricane.
Hokuto nodded towards the water. “Are we getting in?”
Taiga chuckled. “That’s why we’re here, aren’t we?”
“We don’t have another set of clothes,”
Taiga smirked.
“So we remove the ones we have right now,”
Hokuto knew exactly what that meant.
“Kyomoto, it’s fucking freezing out,”
But Taiga proceeded to remove his layers of clothes anyway. “And?” he said, “point being?”
“Point is,” Hokuto wanted to deny that he was looking at Taiga intently while the older removed more and more pieces of clothing. But his eyes moved to their own accord, traveling up and down to gaze at Taiga’s figure, betraying him anyway. “Aren’t you weak against the cold? And now you wanna skinny dip with the cold autumn air freezing our asses off?”
Taiga laughed again. Hokuto really was getting used to the sound. “We’ll keep our boxers on, don’t worry,” he smirked, looking at Hokuto knowingly, suspecting that the younger might’ve guessed that they’ll be swimming full on naked. “And besides, you’ll keep me warm.”
Hokuto looked at Taiga again, the older with only his thin shirt and boxers left. He moved to remove his shirt, the last piece of clothing left on him was his tight boxers, hugging milky white thighs tight, and Hokuto really tried his best to not look where he wasn’t supposed to but really wanted to. Taiga had no qualms about looking, though, being very obvious about eyeing Hokuto’s body, despite the younger still being wrapped up in tons of layers.
“If you don’t strip right now, I really am going to freeze my ass off,” Taiga chuckled, “and I’m going to blame you so bad for it.”
Hokuto stared into Taiga’s eyes, seeing hints of determination, pleading and mischief swimming in those irises full of wonder, and he really couldn’t help but be awed by how much the boy had to offer.
So he started stripping his clothes off, one by one, gaze still locked onto Taiga’s while he took his coat, his shorts, until he was only in his button down shirt, with the top buttons undone, looking like an absolute beautiful mess. And when Hokuto finally removed his shirt, it irrevocably took Taiga’s breath away.
“It’s fucking cold,”
“And we’re getting in… now!!” Taiga yelled, running towards the water, dragging Hokuto towards it. The moment Taiga’s skin made contact with the sea, he felt frozen to the bones, the wind blowing hard making him curse out loud. “Holy fuck, ohmygod!” With another laugh, he waited for Hokuto to react with him, still holding him tight and feeling the younger already shaking.
“Jesus fuck, that’s cold!!” Hokuto yelled, curling into himself, desperate for warmth. He unintentionally pulled Taiga in, craving the other’s body heat.
Taiga squealed in surprise, but welcomed Hokuto’s hold onto him anyway, feigning struggle to get away when all he wanted was to stay and share Hokuto’s warmth with him. The water splashed around them, making the temperature feel like it’s dropping even more, despite staying the same. The air was filled with their joint laughter, a harmony that Hokuto was always hypnotized by. Sometimes, he couldn’t believe just how much their voices actually did fit each other. Like two sides of the same coin, couldn’t be more different, but couldn’t be any more the same.
They continued to play around the water, Taiga managing to finally escape from Hokuto’s embrace and splashing the younger with more of the cold water. Hokuto tried to dodge as much as he could, but ended up splashing Taiga back and trying to get as much water onto the older in return. Taiga attempted to run away, but Hokuto grabbed hold of his wrist and abruptly pulled him to keep him in place, splashing more water onto him. Taiga laughed some more, trying to get Hokuto to let go of him but also grabbing Hokuto’s wrist as well, to stop the younger from getting him even wetter.
In the middle of their fun, Hokuto noticed Taiga’s pretty hands, wrapped around his wrist like a pretty bow on a gift box, ready to be unraveled and wrapped somewhere else. Hokuto had always loved Taiga’s hands. They looked so delicate despite the years of musical instruments, pads of his fingers calloused from the long experience of playing the guitar, and it created an electric touch onto Hokuto’s skin, crawling underneath and sending shivers down his spine. His gaze shifted and he noticed more details, the minute veins popping out from the exertion of effort, the milky white skin glowing from moonlight, the languid digits looped around his wrist with a determined grip, the well groomed nails that were… holy shit. Black. Painted matte black with nail polish and it only made his hands even more beautiful, Hokuto imaging them wrapped around his...
In his moment of distraction, Taiga had caught him off guard, splashing a ton of water on his face to break him out of his reverie. Hokuto’s expression was dazed before he got a handful of seawater thrown at him, to wake him up from his trance. Taiga was proud of his mischief, throwing his head back to laugh out loud and expose the expanse of his neck. Hokuto only got even more hypnotized, seeing the pale skin of Taiga’s neck exposed like a blank canvas, waiting to be painted with red, red, red. God, Hokuto wanted so bad to be the one to do it.
“You should’ve seen your face!!” Taiga laughed some more, a melody Hokuto could play on repeat. He was smiling so big again, for the nth time, and it’s because of Hokuto again, for the nth time.
Hokuto wondered what he did right the past few days to be able to be rewarded of this glorious night. Whatever the hell it was, he hoped it happened more often. He hoped he could see Taiga smile and hear Taiga laugh like this more often. He hoped he could make Taiga do all those more often, too. He hoped he was the reason for them.
Taiga noticed Hokuto staring, standing quite still despite the cold, just a little shiver in his bones but the older doubted that was because of the weather. “Hey Hokuto,” he called out playfully, chuckling, “what, did you freeze for real?”
But Hokuto didn’t even hear what Taiga said. All he could focus on was the touch of Taiga’s skin on his own, the way Taiga’s eyes glimmered brighter than the stars above, the way Taiga’s cheeks flushed a pretty shade of pink from all the laughing and from the cold, the way Taiga’s long blond hair stuck to his pretty face and the way… Hokuto sighed. The way Taiga’s lips parted like an invitation, drawing him further and further in.
He moved closer to Taiga, the water up to their thighs, freezing, but Hokuto could barely feel it. The only thing he felt at that moment was his heart jack-hammering inside his chest, threatening to escape from its cage and offer itself to the beautiful boy in front of him. The beautiful boy that could make him as wild as a storm and as calm as the sea. Those lips. Those lips.
“H-Hokuto?” Taiga whispered with a gulp, suddenly realizing the intense gaze Hokuto had landed on him. He could feel his heartbeat quickening in anticipation, wanting the younger to move closer somehow, to close the distance between them and just...
Taiga cleared his throat.
“Uh, you wanna dry up now? I’m getting kind of hungry,” he hugged his arms to himself, suddenly aware just how vulnerable he’s gotten. Hokuto visibly shook his head and took a step back, a look of realization decorating his features. Taiga hoped he didn’t scare him or push him away. That wasn’t his intention at all.
It was nerves. That’s what it was. Just nerves. That and the burnt sugar taste on his tongue, and something sticky sweet traveling down his throat, lodging itself there. Taiga thought it must have been his heart.
“No, I mean, uhm,” Taiga said, in a last desperate attempt to make sure Hokuto wasn’t discouraged. He moved closer to the younger, lacing their fingers together again to prove his point. Then he smiled small, shy. “Let’s go? It’s getting kind of cold, yea.”
Hokuto hesitated for a little, a bit tense. But Taiga smiled shyly and looked up at him from behind those pretty eyelashes. Pretty like violin strings playing a symphony that made his heart want to beat faster and faster. And who was Hokuto to say no to that?
“Yea,” he said, catching himself. “Yea, okay.”
WIth a bigger smile, Taiga pulled him out of the water, pulled his heart into his hands, and pulled him back into his life.
I got these beliefs that I think you wanna break
Got something here to lose that I think you wanna take from me
I'm taking in the sights and measuring the sounds
Heard the whispers, now let's see what all the talk's about
I went out looking for love when I was seventeen
Maybe a little too young, but it was real to me
And in the heat of the night, saw things I'd never seen
The tide got higher as the night went on, midnight a few inches away from the clock while Hokuto and Taiga munched on noisy chips and drank light alcohol after getting dressed. They fell into another comfortable conversation, small talk of random moments filled with genuine smiles and sweet laughter. A little nostalgia here and there of times past.
They both reached for the chips at the same time, hands knocking together, smiling at each other when they did. Hokuto looked into Taiga’s eyes, then down again at his nimble and beautiful fingers, matte black nails vibrant against his pale skin. Hokuto furrowed his eyebrows.
“Since when did you paint your nails?” the question released from his lips before he could stop himself from asking it, hoping it didn’t drive Taiga away. He looked up at Taiga again, saw the surprised expression on the older’s face, but thankfully it wasn’t a discouraging one.
“Oh,” Taiga said, then stretched out his hand, looking at his fingers too, “you noticed that, huh?”
Hokuto simply nodded, wanting to ask again but let Taiga continue talking instead.
“I don’t know, I think it was the other night when I was missing you,”
Hokuto got taken aback by the answer, not expecting Taiga to be as frank as he was. Especially not because of his hesitation earlier in the water. He waited for the continuation again, if Taiga was going to continue.
Taiga smiled, somehow looking like he was remembering that exact night. “You were snapping at everybody that day,” he let out a little chuckle, “and I was so pissed at you.”
Then he looked Hokuto in the eyes, seeming to be amused. “And I missed you more. Because you didn’t use to be like that. You used to smile so much more before, remember?”
And he did. Hokuto did remember. He remembered all those times he smiled so wide, a big toothy grin plastered on his face like it was going to split it in half. Cute little fangs peeking from underneath his lips and showcasing themselves to the world like a quirk everyone was going to fall in love with.
And fall, Taiga did. Fall unbelievably fast and painfully hard.
He usually avoided trying to remember 2012 memories. Sometimes he caught himself smiling because of the sweet nostalgia of them. Of those times when he and Hokuto were much more innocent, navigating life one step at a time, but hand in hand. When they were inseparable.
Before he ruined everything, of course.
“Yea,” Hokuto’s voice sounded like a wake up call, breaking Taiga out of his reverie. “Yea, I remember.”
Taiga looked at him again. “I miss when you used to smile like that.”
Hokuto looked down, knowing that what he was going to say next were words he could never say while he was looking Taiga in the eyes.
“It was because of you anyway,” he said, a small shiver to his voice, vulnerable. “You made me smile like that.”
There was a soft silence after he uttered the words, the only thing heard were the waves crashing against the sand and Hokuto’s heart beat faster and faster. For a while he thought Taiga might have wanted to leave and walk away, especially because the older stood up after a while, rather abruptly. He didn’t dare look up to see the expression on Taiga’s face.
“You want your nails painted too?”
Hokuto furrowed his eyebrows, then finally looked up.
“What?”
Taiga was smiling down at him, not looking angry at all.
“Wait here. The color I left in the car suits you more,”
“Oh, uhm, I—”
But Taiga was already walking towards the car and opening the door, searching for the nail polish that he wanted to paint onto Hokuto’s nails. He came back seconds later, small bottle in hand and an excited look in his eyes. He sat down next to Hokuto again on the soft blanket they laid out earlier, moving the drinks and chips away to make more space.
“Here,” he said, proud of the bottle, “this color looks better on you, I think.”
Hokuto looked at the color, and even in the dark night sky, he could tell what it was. A pretty shade of pink, akin to the color of the blush on Taiga’s cheeks at that moment. His heart skipped a beat.
Taiga wanted him to wear the color pink, while the older wore the color black. Hokuto knew there was a hidden meaning to it, a message Taiga was trying to say without words but with every action he could muster by the simple gesture. Something only they could probably understand, despite the simplicity of the situation just being nail polish and their color. But they could talk about that later, when things weren’t so muddled by palpable tension and underlying feelings and words unsaid.
So instead, Hokuto smiled at Taiga again and nodded slowly, Taiga biting his lip in reaction, shaking the small bottle before he reached for Hokuto’s right hand.
Hokuto’s hand was slightly shaking, and he cleared his throat in embarrassment, blaming it on the cold. “Sorry, we just got out of the water and—”
“S’alright,” Taiga said, and it was only then that Hokuto saw that the older’s hands were shaking as well. Maybe even more than his. “The cold, right?”
Eventually, Taiga reached for Hokuto’s hands, and the both of them ignored the electricity that ran through their veins when their skin touched. Hokuto’s lithe fingers were resting on Taiga’s palm, the little bottle of pink nail polish situated on the sand in between Taiga’s crossed legs, brush on his other hand. He started with one stroke of pretty pink on Hokuto’s nicely groomed nail, then kept coloring as delicately as he could.
“Thank you,” he said suddenly, and Hokuto almost didn’t catch it, too mesmerized by the way their hands were touching and the way his heart was beating too fast and too hard, it was deafening. Taiga continued speaking anyway. “For saying that, I mean.”
Hokuto was about to respond that it was the truth. That he meant it. That Taiga was the reason for him smiling that much and that big. He always had been.
Probably still was.
But Taiga kept talking, his tone changing more melancholy.
“I was the reason why it disappeared too,” he said, each word sounding like every piece of a teenage heartbreak. “Wasn’t I?”
He kept his gaze down, still painting Hokuto’s nails, like he hadn’t just said the most self-loathing sentence Hokuto had ever heard him say.
And the thing was, Hokuto wanted to disagree. He wanted so badly to disagree. He wanted to say no, no you’re not the reason why it disappeared. You’re the reason I couldn’t stop smiling. You’re the reason why I kept smiling and didn’t regret it. You’re the reason why I wanted to actually keep my smile.
Except.
Except.
Except it was the truth. Taiga was the reason why his smile— that smile, the one that he only gave to Kyomoto Taiga—disappeared. The very reason for his smile was the one who broke it too. And he couldn’t say it out loud because, as much as he hated to admit it, it still hurt. The nostalgia that came with the hurt of his first heartbreak was sometimes so unbearable he did everything to forget it. And he still couldn’t.
Taiga kept painting Hokuto’s nails, quiet for a while. When Hokuto was close to believing that the older was waiting for an answer, Taiga suddenly spoke again, letting out a sad and disappointed chuckle.
“I’m a monster, aren’t I?” he said, “pretty smile, and then poof, gone. Because I broke a beautiful boy’s heart. What a mess.”
And what would Hokuto say to that? What would Hokuto say to the painful truth, anyway? That Taiga was enough of a mess to mess him up as well. That Hokuto was a mess that time because Taiga messed him up and he messed Taiga up. What would Hokuto say to something so inexplicably true it felt like shards of glass would climb up his throat if he so much as spoke a truth that was so fucking true? Butterflies exploding in his stomach from both his heart fluttering and his heart breaking. What would Hokuto say to the boy who broke his heart?
He took a deep breath.
“Remember when…”
And he started.
“When we had that Shounen Club recording that one time,” Taiga kept painting his nails, quiet. So Hokuto kept talking. “I think we were wearing these hand me down costumes, sparkly purple outfits? I remember being so happy because my admired senpai wore mine before. So I was a hundred times happier that day.”
Hokuto smiled, recalling the memory.
“We had to go on stage and I don’t know why or what you asked but it was something you hadn’t heard. So I whispered it to you. You leaned in and I…” Hokuto gulped, “I put my hand on your hip. And you didn’t even flinch. Not at all. And I honestly forgot what we were even talking about. But I whispered it to you and you were surprised. And we stayed like that, for a while.”
It was a bit hazy, but Taiga seemed to recall the moment too. Like he did with all of his moments with Hokuto. A little blurry in his vision, but kept tucked in his memory bank. Locked safe with the key to Hokuto’s little safe space in his heart.
“That was one of my favorite days. Because we were just us, you know? Going home together after. Laughing in the dressing room. Bumping hands while getting lunch. Little things,”
It was the little things that Taiga missed the most.
“Or, ohmygod,” Hokuto let out a laugh, “filming for the movie. Bakaleya? Spinning around and holding hands and messing around with Juri. Sneaking away from the set for konbini trips, that one game center where we won all of these stuffed toys from the crane machine. Getting scolded so much after we got caught.”
Hokuto laughed some more, remembering every detail. Taiga couldn’t help but laugh with him too, as if he was hearing all the voices and seeing all the sights. They really did have so much fun.
“Or when we were filming and you were so stubborn about being cold but I kept wrapping you up in my cape-costume anyway. All those times we held hands…”
Hokuto trailed off, trying to gauge if Taiga was awkward with the conversation. But the older kept painting his nails, nearly done with both hands. He didn’t show any signs of tension, so Hokuto figured it was alright to continue. He hoped he was right, anyway.
“When I would look at you from across the rehearsal studio and find you already looking anyway. And we’d smile because we both knew what the other was thinking. Meeting your lovely parents, even though your Dad terrified me at first,” they laughed together, remembering Hokuto’s voice cracking while shaking Kyomoto Masaki’s hand. “You meeting mine and my Mom constantly said you were the prettiest person she had ever seen.”
“Sneaking hugs and kisses when no one was looking. Messing around in your house when we were alone. The first time we…”
Shared a bed, reckless hands under ruffled sheets reaching for places they didn’t know they were allowed to reach. Exchanged kisses and breaths like tomorrow wasn’t going to come, like it was their last. Whispered sweet nothings in each other’s ears that said so much yet not at all. Found a home in each other’s space and stayed there. Looked into each other’s eyes while they crossed over and above the edge of glory, a scream of each other’s names into the heated atmosphere. The first time. That first time.
Okay, maybe that was too much. Even for Hokuto.
But Taiga simply painted the last coat on his pinky nail and closed the pink nail polish bottle again, seeming to be waiting for Hokuto to continue. But Hokuto couldn’t say the words themselves, so he continued with something else.
“My point is,” Hokuto took another deep breath, “it was amazing. What we had was amazing. We were amazing. It wasn’t all sad memories, Kyomoto. And did it hurt? It absolutely fucking did. But was it all hurt? No. Not at all. And I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I don’t regret any of it. We may think about it sadly now, but we didn’t use to. Not always. And we don’t have to anymore, either. At least not forever. Because there were good things, great things even. And we were so happy. So you’re not a monster. Or if you are, then I’m as much a monster as you, too.”
Taiga finally lifted his head to look at the younger boy, finding him already looking with these eyes that said so much more than he already did with his voice and words. So much passion and sincerity in them that could make Taiga want to scream out every heartbeat he was feeling.
“You were a teenager. And I was too. We were both too young and too stupid. And we both needed to grow, anyway. So don’t blame yourself for doing things when we were both vulnerable and terrified. Feelings makes one do crazy and stupid stuff. It’s human,”
Taiga searched Hokuto’s eyes and found no amount of lies in them. And maybe that scared him even more, knowing that as much as the past hurt Hokuto a lot, it gave him a lot of good memories too. And that he still held onto them, despite everything that happened.
“We were fucking seventeen, Kyomoto,” Hokuto spoke again, “a little young, a little reckless. But we’re not anymore. We’re past that. And we’re better. Aren’t we?”
They were. They really were. Taiga didn’t know if he and his guilt were also part of the reason why he and Hokuto hadn’t been on the right ground lately. But it wasn’t far from that.
But they were better. Hokuto was right.
“We are,” Taiga finally smiled, a bit of tears somehow threatening to fall from his eyes. But he guessed they weren’t out of sadness, anymore. It felt a little more like relief. “We are, ohmygod, we definitely are.”
Hokuto let out a laugh, and a smile, and there it was again. The reason for Taiga’s heart skipping a beat.
“Good,” Hokuto bit on his bottom lip. “I’m glad. Now quit being emo because I thought that was my role and not yours?”
Taiga laughed as well, leaning closer. Hokuto did the same, and their harmony sounded perfect with the waves crashing against the shore, the moonlight shining on them like a spotlight.
Gathering his courage, Taiga reached for Hokuto’s hand and saw the pretty pink coloring his nails so perfectly. He linked their fingers together, slowly moving his hand around, smoothing his fingers over Hokuto’s as his black nails and Hokuto’s pink ones knocked together. It was a mismatched pair, something you won’t even think went well together until you actually saw it together. And that was the epitome of them, basically. Two of a kind, couldn’t be any more different but couldn’t be any more of the same. Hokuto moved his hands and fingers too, holding onto Taiga tighter, as if a comfort and a tell that he didn’t want to let go.
Taiga lifted his head and looked at Hokuto again, the younger looking at him earnestly and dearly and so lovingly, like he was in awe of what he was seeing. Like how he always looked at Taiga. Like before, and like now.
“Kyomoto…” Hokuto suddenly whispered, leaning even closer, searching Taiga’s eyes.
“Yea?” Taiga’s voice came out so quiet, distracted by the way Hokuto’s thumb was hypnotizingly smoothing circles on his palm. God, he wanted to melt into a puddle.
“I… Can I…”
Hokuto kept leaning in, a gaze towards Taiga’s lips that was both soft and wanting. And Taiga was slowly leaning in too, because. Because maybe it was okay. It was fine. That they could forget about the past, their past reckless and stupid doings, past idiotic teenage decisions. Past mistakes that were simply nothing but mistakes now. Past hurt that shouldn’t even hurt anymore, after all these years. They shouldn’t. They shouldn’t anymore.
But do they still?
Do they?
Was he hurting Hokuto still?
The younger boy was merely inches away, and yet he felt so far, so out of reach. So out of Taiga’s reach. And not because he was running away but because Taiga kept pushing him away. Not to get Hokuto away from himself, but to protect Hokuto from any more hurt he could do.
God, he wanted to kiss Hokuto so bad. Kiss him with all the feelings he could muster. Kiss him like he did when they were both seventeen and stupid, kiss him like a fucking teenage dream that had finally come true.
Except Hokuto was the dream. And Taiga was a fucking nightmare.
He hesitated.
“Uhm,” Taiga leaned back, “I’m kinda feeling a cigarette.”
Hokuto blinked. Taiga could see the look of disappointment in his face, despite wanting to mask it. And here he was again, causing hurt. Of course.
“You want one?” might as well.
Hokuto gave him a weak smile, but a sincere one. Despite Taiga’s scared and dumb decision to not just go for it, Hokuto still understood. Maybe Taiga didn’t deserve him even more, for that.
“Sure. Lucky Strikes?”
Taiga smiled, got up, and reached a hand out.
“I have them in the car. Come with?”
Hokuto looked at his hand, hesitated for a bit, but eventually reached for it.
“Come with you?” he pulled himself up and leaned close, whispering into Taiga’s ear.
“Always,”
I wanna skip stones on your skin, boy, and drown me in your water
Don't wanna miss a second of this, boy, hold tight and love me longer
'Cause you're safe like springtime, short days, long nights, boy
Tell me all the ways to love you
'Cause you taste like Lucky Strikes, you drag, I light, boy
Tell me all the ways to love you
Hokuto lit a Lucky Strike with his trusty lighter, the cancer stick stuck between two trembling fingers as he put it between his lips. Trembling because of the cold but mostly because of the boy in front of him, reaching over to light his own cigarette with Hokuto’s own. Taiga gazed into Hokuto’s eyes the entire time he was mere inches away, close enough to see the flecks of light reflected on Hokuto’s irises. He smiled, almost a tease. Or a tease entirely, but he wouldn’t tell Hokuto that, of course.
Hokuto smirked back, pulling his cigarette away and moving his head to blow the smoke in the midnight air. “Helps with the cold, at least.”
Taiga nodded. “And the nerves.”
Hokuto had half a mind to ask Taiga what he was so nervous about. But his own nerves got the best of him, and he ended up shrugging and not asking the question.
“You like the taste?”
It was Taiga’s turn to shrug. “S’alright. Better than reds.”
“Reds? You smoked those?” Hokuto asked, surprised Taiga would even touch that type of cigarette.
“Not really, but I tried them. Too strong for my taste,”
“And they go straight to your head. I hate those. I only smoke them when I’m trying to forget,”
Taiga tilted his head, “Forget?” he asked. “Forget what?”
For some reason, Hokuto got taken aback. He didn’t really expect Taiga to ask him about it. Nor did he not blame the older for asking, since Hokuto did bring it up in the first place.
“Uhm,” he tried to respond. But all he could think of was you. You, you, you. Forget about how you hurt me. How you broke my heart. How your smile takes my breath away. How your name sounds like a hallelujah. You.
How I want to forget about you. About all the feelings I have for you.
How I want to forget about how much I’m so in love with you.
“S’nothing,” Hokuto shrugged again, trying to play it off as what he said. “Just too much on my mind.” It wasn’t exactly a lie.
He wanted to pretend that he didn’t notice Taiga looking at him as if he knew there was something more to what Hokuto was saying. But he decided to, ironically, forget about the topic and change it, instead.
“Anyway, what about you? Why do you smoke? Don’t they ruin your voice?”
Taiga thought about it. And maybe he had the same answer as Hokuto. Maybe he smoked to try to forget too.
About the way Hokuto looked at him like he was longing for something that was there before but was not anymore. How he wanted to return that longing and that look, but he was too scared despite the fact that his heart kept hammering in his chest every time he thought about the younger.
The way his heart skipped a beat when Hokuto said his name. The way it bursts when Hokuto touches him, like it was his first time doing so and he’s so so careful about it. Like he hadn’t already seen Taiga at his most raw, most vulnerable, most naked in a sense and purposes. Literally and emotionally, bare for Hokuto to see.
Maybe Taiga smoked to forget that too. To forget about the fact that he was so in love with Matsumura Hokuto. And how he ruined the one chance he had with the broken boy in front of him, lighting a cigarette and lighting the fire within his bones.
So he shrugged, said, “Maybe to forget too,” and reached for his phone. He needed a distraction.
A short browse through his playlists and he found the perfect one: a foreign artist recommended to him by Shintaro, that he ended up loving and listening to a lot. Taiga thought that maybe it was time to lighten things up a little. The night was getting too heavy. His heart, even more.
So he pressed play and started swaying to the music, taking a long drag all while staring into Hokuto’s eyes. Hokuto smiled his way, swaying to the beat as well, but not as lively as Taiga had done.
“This is a good song,” Hokuto pointed out, and Taiga puffed out the smoke he was holding in his mouth. It mixed in with the chilly air.
“I love it,” Taiga said back, swaying more. He took another long drag and danced to the beat, spreading his arms and lolling his head as he closed his eyes and let himself get lost in the music.
Hokuto watched, in awe. No matter what Taiga did, it always looked so beautiful.
“God, I love this part,” Taiga said again, the lyrics resonating through the air.
Tell me all the ways to love you.
And god, did Taiga wish he could say that to Hokuto. Tell him those simple and yet very complicated words: tell me all the ways to love you.
Because that’s all he ever really wanted. To love the boy. To love the boy in the ways that he could and would and should. To breathe him into his lungs and exhale him with the sound of a luscious moan or a glorious hallelujah. To tell him that he could break his heart a million times and even then, he would ask to love him. To love him in the way no one ever could. To ruin everyone else for him just so all he could think of was that there was no better love than this: than the way Taiga could make his heart beat like no other. To make sure that he knew: Taiga was his and his alone. There was no one else. There would never be anyone else.
It was Hokuto. It was Hokuto for Taiga. It always was. It always would be.
The song was coming to an end. Everything was spinning. Spinning so fast. All of Taiga’s thoughts and feelings built up to a crescendo and the song was ending. It was ending.
“Woah, hey, careful,” was the last thing Taiga heard before strong arms were around him to catch him from falling, cigarette butts extinguished and forgotten on the ground.
He stared into Hokuto’s eyes, realizing he got too into the music and forgot everything else.
“I’m sorry, I…” Taiga started to say. But they were close. They were so so close, he could smell the cigarettes and sand and saltwater and home on Hokuto. He smelled so much of home. Of so entirely Hokuto, it was getting Taiga dizzy. Drawing him in, closer and closer.
They were close. Inches away. He glanced down at Hokuto’s lips, red from the cold air. Taiga didn’t know what to do. His heart wanted to burst out of his chest and he didn’t fucking know what to do.
“Hokuto…”
Hokuto looked into his eyes, an unreadable expression there. Until it transformed into a transparent desperate want, a hunger, a desire. A realization.
“No more running away,” he whispered, low voice sending shivers down Taiga’s spine.
And Hokuto turned them around, carried Taiga and placed him harshly on top of the hood of the car, and crashed their lips together, Taiga tasting of cigarettes, strawberries, the sea.
Tasting of a finally.