Dear June

2019 June 03,

My name is something that might be familiar to some, my last name would definitely lead to a follow-up question if I’m someone’s son, which is of course, aren’t everyone someone else’s son? Anyway, I’d rather not write my name. If ever I will lose this and if anyone would pick this up, it’s yours. However, be informed that I started this journal as a way to alleviate my anxiety, and as my therapist put it, “these are my darkest times”. I’m not a writer and I don’t aspire to be one. My life is too boring- albeit what everyone thinks- to be written about. My job has become the source of my stress instead of joy, so does my family, and I’d rather not talk about them. I really want to avoid things that have been causing my anxiety and in doing so, I always turned to food. Because of that, this journal would be about food, food, and food. For starters, I’ve found my favorite soba. 

Hokuto forgot all about the blistering, climate-changed fueled summer heat the moment the soba touched his tongue. The pureed okra in a chilled dashi broth was so refreshing it sent tingles down his spine. The chewiness of buckwheat noodles made him eat nonstop and within minutes, he emptied his seiro . It was so unusual for him to eat fast, he made it a rule to chew his food at least 20 times before swallowing it, and he couldn’t believe he broke the rule because of mere soba. Well, it wasn’t mere soba, Hosokawa’s soba is THE soba. 

He opened the journal as his eyes roamed the uncomplicated aesthetic of the restaurant. He guessed not much has changed since 2019, but because of the pandemic, social distancing and acrylic dividers were enforced. 

…they say that shades of yellow and orange make one hungry, then what about earth-tone hues on the walls of Hosokawa? It didn’t make me feel hungry, but it made me feel relaxed. It gave off the feeling that I can take my time, chew my soba slowly, drown myself in its flavors, and take it slow especially in these times when everyone is in a rush. Looking back, it made me think how I rushed everything, thinking I don’t have enough time, asking for more time, and it led me to this - regretful because I didn’t get to fully enjoy what I had.  

Hokuto sighed, maybe he should order another serving of soba, eat it slowly, and let the umami tickle his senses. But he also thought of the long lines outside, someone is probably hungrier than he is, and someone would surely be grateful he finished his meal early. Closing the journal, he got up and headed to the counter to pay. Expectant faces looked at him the moment he exited the restaurant, or maybe he thought they were expectant, one could hardly tell someone’s expression when half of their face is covered with a face mask.

He went on his way, the evening rush hour in full swing with commuters all eager to go home. He passed by a bookstore and headed straight to the bestselling shelf, smiling widely upon seeing three of their books on the Top 10. The publishing house had been struggling before the pandemic, but the situation got worse during the pandemic. Although they managed to hold on, Hokuto knew that they needed to profit more than ever. If he wanted to keep supporting his beloved indie authors, the publishing house would need big names who could break the sales. 

“Isn’t that Kyomoto Taiga?” 

Hokuto whirled around upon hearing a familiar name, he saw two teenage girls gushing while flipping through the pages of Songs magazine. He couldn’t help but scrunch his face, opened and damaged magazines were usually returned to the publishing house, another loss of profit. His lamentation got disrupted when his phone rang, it was Jesse on the other line. 

“Yes?” 

“Who’s that cool-looking guy?” Jesse exclaimed. 

Hokuto sighed. “I don’t have time for this, Jess.” 

“Tch. You have no sense of humor. I’m worried about how in the world are you going to convince Kyomoto Taiga for an interview.” 

“Convince-? What do you mean?” 

“HAHA. I got you an appointment this weekend. It’s for a short time and you have to be quick, so do your best.” 

“Oh! Jess, you’re really the coolest looking guy!” Hokuto said as he ended the call. He went straight to the magazine rack, the two teenage girls were taking pictures of Kyomoto’s photos while Hokuto got himself a copy. He let out another sigh, their future cash cow looking so uninterested in life as his piercing brown eyes stared directly at Hokuto’s soul. 

“See you soon,” Hokuto mumbled and headed to the checkout. 

2019 June 05 ,

 

Are there people who you associate with food? Or drinks rather? I never liked coffee until I lived in Vienna. The Viennese Einspanner became an instant favorite even though it was really just an espresso topped with a dollop of whipped cream. A fancy name for a simple drink. A fancy name for a memory of a heart break. As I drink the not-so-fancy Starbucks' Tokyo Rosuto Musu Fomu Latte, I'm reminded once again of the unimaginable bitterness I tasted the moment I learned my first love cheated on me. Cheating. You know what's worse than cheating? The blaming. Being blamed for why they cheated on you. Very "Look what you made me do" Taylor Swift era. It sucks and I think I need a cup of coffee. 

"Here are your drinks! Matcha latte for Juri, Iced Latte for Shintaro, Mocha for Jess, and mine, Shakerato Bianco," Hokuto said while he distributed everyone's drinks. 

"Why do you like that? It's so bitter I can feel the acid from my stomach moving backward just by thinking of it," Juri complained while he whirled Hokuto's drink. 

"I like the bitterness," he said, grabbing the drink from Juri's hand, "the bitterness makes me strong." 

Shintaro scoffed. "Can you guys argue your caffeine choices later? I have a lunch meeting so let's start and finish this meeting ASAP."

"Why? Who are you meeting?" Jesse asked.

"Shelly." 

"Shelly? Isn't that your dog?" Hokuto clarified.

"Yes and we always eat lunch together," Shintaro said with indignation. "Look, guys, I'm happy to see you all, but this meeting is one of those meetings that are better off in ZOOM. What's so urgent that we have to do this face-to-face?" 

"I hate agreeing with Shintaro but he's right," Juri added, "no sane person wakes up at 9 am." 

Jesse scoffed at Juri's remarked. "You mean, no sane person sleeps at like 3 or 4 in the morning? Anyway..." he said loudly before Juri could say something, "I called this meeting because I had a breakthrough and Hokuto had the chance to interview Kyomoto Taiga tomorrow." 

"Woah! Really?!" Shintaro said, eyes bulging. "This is great news! But still could have been a ZOOM-"

"Let's get serious," Hokuto cuts in, "a Kyomoto Masaki book deal will keep New World Publishing afloat for a while. But as he'd mentioned before, he would give the publishing rights to anyone who could convince his son to do his autobiography with him." He raised the magazine he bought the other night. "I sent an email to the one who wrote the article and he said that the young Kyomoto agreed after 4 tries, all questions were sent via email, and Kyomoto answered all of it except for personal questions. Questions about family, childhood, even hobbies, he left all those blank. Kyomoto only answered professional questions pertaining to his music." 

Juri sighed. "Basically, you're saying that he'll probably never agree to a book deal with his father," Juri turned to Jesse, "let's just try convincing Yuzuru Hanyu instead. He got loads of Chinese fans who would definitely buy an autobiography of him. Heck, if he doesn't want an autobiography, I suggest a book about his costumes, his journey with Pooh, or a book about his favorite earphones. Definitely going to be a hit." 

“I still stand with my earlier proposal, if we want a hit, we should translate books about Justin Bieber from English to Japanese. Definitely a hit,” Shintaro suggested. 

“Pffft…I bet you’re the only one who would buy that,” Juri said. 

“Okay, okay, okay.” Jesse repeatedly clapped his hands until all of their attention was back on him. “I’ve already taken everyone’s suggestions, but for now, let’s concentrate on the one who already gave us his word as long as we convince the son. Okay?” He asked, but the question was only directed to Hokuto. 

Hokuto nodded gravely, feeling the entire world on his shoulders. “Yes, I have to make Kyomoto Taiga agree to the deal.” 

“Good. Okay, the meeting's over!” 

***

Hokuto would later learn that Jesse’s so-called appointment was nothing but Kyomoto Taiga’s top-secret flight details and it’s Hokuto’s job to do an ambush interview. 

“He will never agree at this point,” Hokuto mumbled as he looked at a dozen or so girls and women with their uchiwas and banners. “So much for being a top-secret flight detail.”

The plane had landed for over an hour and his eyes remained fixed at the exit gate. He kept looking for a blond and hoping that Kyomoto is still blond or Hokuto is so fucked up. The KLM flight from Vienna had disappeared from the Arrival Screen, and the only reason Hokuto stayed is that Kyomoto’s fans were still there. 

Maybe he used a VIP exit or something? His eyes roamed around the Arrival Area and saw Doutor, he might as well grab a coffee since it looked like Kyomoto managed to escape despite his fans standing like guards. 

“Viennesse Einspanner, iced, please.”

Hokuto scowled seeing the bonnet the guy wore in front of him. "Who would wear a bonnet in the middle of summer?" He shook off the thought, why would he care? After getting his order, the place is packed except for the chair beside the same guy who ordered before him. Hokuto made his way and sat beside him. Bonnet guy paid Hokuto no heed, Marshall headphones on his ear while he read a Conan manga. However, Hokuto didn’t miss the KLM sticker on his backpack. 

Clearing his throat, he forced himself to ask, “Uhm, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but were you also on the KLM flight from Vienna?” Hokuto silently cursed himself, of course, the guy wouldn’t hear him since he’d been wearing headphones. 

He was about to tap his shoulder when the guy removed his headphones. He turned to look at Hokuto, and found himself stunned. Wearing glasses, bare-faced, a bit worn-out Kyomoto Taiga stared at him with curiosity.

“Yes I was, why do you ask?” 

Kyomoto-fucking-Taiga just asked him a question and all he could do was blink.

“Taiga!” 

Taiga turned away before his face broke into a huge grin. “Kouchi!” He put up his mask and quickly grabbed his only bag, before leaving a dumbfounded Hokuto. 

"Wait! Kyomoto-san!" He shouted once the shock wore off. He rushed to the gate seeing that Taiga exited the gate. 

"Wait! Kyomoto-san!" He jumped past suitcases, and trolleys, and dispersed a group of tourists before he managed to reach his goal.

"Wait! Kyomoto-san!"

Taiga turned to look at him, a bit peeved before he recognized Hokuto. "Oh, you were the one who asked me about my flight earlier." 

"Yes." Still catching his breath, he reached for his business card and presented it to Kyomoto. 

"I'm Matsumura Hokuto from New World Publishing and-" 

"Sorry," Taiga cuts across him, "I don't speak to any form of media." Without another word, he got into the passenger's seat. Hokuto was about to protest when he felt a tap on his shoulder. It was the guy who called for Taiga earlier. He took Hokuto's business card and scribbled something behind it. 

"I'm his agent, call me for an appointment, Kouchi Yugo by the way," he said and reached for Hokuto's hand. 

"O-okay, thank you." 

The two drove away as Hokuto looked on, and back at the coffee shop, two cups of Vienesse Einspenner melted away. 

…in a sense, coffee is like love, right? Bittersweet. It could be the best or the worst coffee you ever had, but you would never stop wanting it. You would still want to try something new, something bolder, or probably milder, and when you’ve found the right mix perfect for your taste, you should stick with it and never let it go. Ah! I’m being overly sentimental over coffee again, buying my third cup is not a good idea. 

2019, June 08,

 

A cup of instant ramen isn’t just any cup of ramen, it’s my own symbol of rebellion. It was in middle school when I first tasted this savory concoction of MSG, and when I had it, I wanted to cry child abuse over my mom who refused to feed me instant ramen back home. Since then, I have tried every brand and flavor in existence, but one thing remained constant, I would always have a cup ramen when I’m feeling sad or mutinous. Today, I had two servings of Super Cup 1.5 times Tonkatsu Ramen after I delivered one of the worst performances of my life. It was a disaster that Haydn would probably roll over his grave. I shuddered to think what sort of article the critics would write tomorrow. Worse, I overheard someone say that I’ve reached my peak and maybe it’s time for me to retire. Me? Retire?! Never!

 

Hokuto burped loudly, uncaring if the two office ladies looked at him with dismay after he turned them down because they mistook him for some chef. In the first place, if he is a chef, why would he be eating instant ramen in a corner of a konbini ? He finished two cups of Nissin’s Cup Noodle Chili Tomato, a combination of what he loves and hates, and at the moment, he is feeling rebellious. Why should he listen to Jesse and sack two of his authors just because of low sales? Hokuto's authors might not be selling well, but they've written critically-acclaimed novels, and one of them even got nominated for the prestigious Man Booker Prize. Moreover, if they won the award, the sales of their book would definitely skyrocket. Hokuto nodded his head, pleased with his predictions. If Jesse could publish a book on Dad Jokes, then he should have all the right to retain his authors. He took a swig of his apple-flavored water when the inevitable truth dawned on him. The publishing house wouldn't wait for the Man Booker Prize, they needed the money now before all of their books halt printing and they would have to settle with e-books. Hokuto opened his phone and with bated breath, he dialed the number that could be their savior. 

***

“I don’t know how you convinced Kouchi to tell you where I am,” Taiga said without looking up, both of his hands busy while he expertly played a game of Fortnite. Hokuto peered anxiously around Taiga’s dwelling, a lone incandescent lamp cast a shadow inside the cramped private room. Beside it were 3 empty cups of ramen, a half-full liter of water, and stacks of manga on the opposite side. Hokuto also noticed the same backpack Taiga carried at the airport. Who would have thought that Kyomoto Taiga would be living in a net cafe? 

“Shit!” He hissed, “I lost again!” He turned to look at Hokuto who remained standing by the entrance. 

“What’s your business?” He asked sharply. Hokuto guessed Taiga had been playing nonstop, there were dark circles under his eyes, and his face was a bit bloated, probably from all those ramen. Hokuto compared Taiga to the Taiga from the Songs magazine that was inside his bag. Far from the musical genius with a lineage akin to aristocracy, the Taiga he’s looking at now seemed normal. Hokuto didn’t mean it negatively, but Taiga could pass as the guy next door who wasted his hours playing on the computer, and not some snob who would think that computer games are inferior hobbies. 

“Uhm, y-you live here?” Hokuto replied instead. He silently cursed himself for how Taiga’s presence had the power to leave him awestruck for a while, just like what happened at the airport. 

Taiga scowled, then he shrugged. He pointed at the empty cups of ramen. “They know how to make their ramen here.”

“Oh!” said Hokuto, hoping he sounded more impressed than confused. Cup ramen is easily made by adding hot or boiling water, how could anyone fuck that one up? He guessed rich kids as Taiga had never made a cup of ramen in their entire life. 

“You went all the way here to ask that?” 

“Uhm, no.” Hokuto shifted uncomfortably, “Uhm…” he could see that Taiga is starting to get bored with him, but Hokuto also knew that if he opened up the autobiography thing, he would be flat-out rejected. 

“I want to give this to you,” said Hokuto at last, taking a paperback from his bag. “Tears” is printed on the cover in red, a small sticker on the bottom right hailing the book as a Man Booker Prize nominee. 

Taiga stared at the book as though Hokuto was handing him excrement. “I don’t really read books,” he said flatly, before motioning to his stacks of manga, “only manga.” 

“Maybe this book could change your mind,” Hokuto pleaded, “it’s only less than 150 pages,” he added quickly, hoping that the number of pages would make the book less overwhelming. 

“But why should I read it?” He asked in a haughty manner. 

“To give you an idea of what types of books we published.” 

“Ah…I almost forgot.” Taiga crossed his arms. “Kouchi told me that my father is planning to write an autobiography - with me. That’s what you’re after, correct?” 

Hokuto wanted to say that they were still bidding for it, but he said yes. 

A corner of Taiga’s lips twitched. “Then, I refuse.” 

“B-but why?” Hokuto stammered. “You haven’t heard about our off-”

“I don’t need to hear anything about it,” Taiga said with finality, “I’m not interested in talking or writing about my life to you or to anyone.” He turned his back against Hokuto, put on his headphones, and busied himself with starting another Battle Royale. 

“Okay, err, I’ll…I’ll still leave this here. You can do anything you want with this, but I’m just leaving this here.” He placed Tears by the entrance. “Thank you for your time, I-I’m leaving now, b-bye?” He said with reluctance, but Taiga didn’t even turn, his fingers started moving with precision again as the Battle Royale commenced. 

…a spicy noodle is the best when you’re rejected or disappointed. The chili will take your mind off from wallowing in self-pity, while at the same time, the fiery taste will give you the illusion that if you can survive this, maybe you can endure everything else. However, once the hotness subsides, you will feel fullness in your stomach, but hollow in your soul. The pain of rejection lingers until your next cup of ramen. 

***

“But why should I read it?” Hokuto muttered, mimicking Taiga’s smug tone from yesterday. “I don't know, to learn basic human emotions and decency, I suppose?” Hokuto spat and Juri chuckled at the other line. 

“I will fully support your Yuzuru Hanyu proposal, I'll even help you with anything,” he added.

“Nah, Hanyu is impossible at the moment.” 

“What do you mean?”

“His handlers said he's too busy training, at this point, I'll have to wait until his retirement.” 

“Oh,” said Hokuto sadly. “Then, Justin Bieber?” 

Juri chortled more at the other line, and even Hokuto knew how outrageous that sounded. 

“You have to work on Kyomoto Taiga,” Juri said bluntly.

“Shit.”

“Or maybe, you can convince Kyomoto Masaki to do his bio without his son?”

“That also sounds hard,” he sighed. “But do you think it's doable?” He asked, hopeful. 

“You can try. Anyway, are you in The Yard now?”

“Yeah, I've just arrived.” It's not Hokuto's first time at The Yard but as always, it would leave a gaping hole in his heart. He looked pensively at the two truckloads of unsold books, all of which would be destroyed. 

“Why destroy these instead of donating them?” 

His heart skipped a beat upon recognizing that voice. Glancing by his side, he saw Taiga pick up a damaged book on the ground. 

Hokuto cleared his throat, resolute not to appear dumbstruck as he was in their past meetings. “Destroying is the last option actually. Our first option would be cutting the price, next is a donation, next is pulping for recycling, and those that still remained will end up here to be destroyed.”

“How sad,” Taiga murmured. 

“Well, we can't keep them forever. By the way, how did you know I'm here?”

“Kouchi. He gave Jesse a call, they know each other.”

“Really?!” He asked incredulously. Now Hokuto knew where Jesse got Taiga's flight details, but what he really wanted to clarify is why Jesse sent him to chase Taiga when he knew Taiga's agent in the first place? 

He got distracted once he heard the roar of the shredder, bits of paper flew around like falling leaves during autumn. But there was nothing cozy with the sight in front of them, all Hokuto could see were broken dreams. 

“Excuse me, are you from the New World?” Asked an attendant. 

“Ah, yes.”

“Here's the payment. Thank you for using our service.” 

Feeling glum, Hokuto accepted the envelope. “20,000 Yen, that's all we get for destroying these…dreams.” 

“Now I feel quite bad breaking this to you,” Taiga said once the shredding was done and a brief silence took over. 

Hokuto sighed. "Are you going to reject me for the second time?"

"I've read Tears, " Taiga said instead. "It's not my cup of tea,” he admitted, “but I must admit, it's wonderfully written. Moving. And even though it's a tragedy, I like how it ended. " 

"I'm glad you like it," Hokuto said, smiling.

"But I still won't do the autobiography."

Hokuto didn't expect much, but he's still crestfallen. "May I at least know why?"

“Just like in Tears, there are endings that you just have to accept, wounds that should be left close, and past that should never be revisited. In the end, crying is the best thing you can do.”

***

That night, Hokuto ate the spiciest instant ramen he could find, the type that food vloggers forced themselves to eat for the sake of views. He glanced at the open journal on his table, before he decided to cut the ramen’s brand name, and paste it on the journal. He took a post-it note and wrote, “and you eat the spiciest ramen when you get rejected twice. You also eat the spiciest ramen when you realize that even though everyone has a story to tell, not all of them have to be told."

2019 June 10,

 

For me, the best oyakodon lies in the egg. It has to be partially cooked, fluffy on the bottom, custardy on top, and still runny. I apologize to the Nagoya Cochin if I've offended them, but the egg! The egg is the key to a hearty oyakodon. This is why I favor Toritsune Shizendo, not only do they use Japan's Most Special Egg from Hyoto, they also know how to cook them perfectly so that it compliments the rest of the dish. I want to order another bowl of Tokujo Oyakodon, but they only do 20 bowls a day, and as much as I want to eat more, I also want others to taste this food for the soul. 

“I apologize,” Hokuto said, bowing deeply, “I didn’t get Kyomoto Taiga-san to agree to do the book with you.” 

“There’s no need for an apology, please be seated,” Kyomoto Masaki said kindly. Jesse and he had paid the older Kyomoto a visit to update him on the latest about their book deal. A deal that has seen its end before it could begin.  

Hokuto stood straight and sat beside Jesse. They were in the family’s living room and Hokuto didn’t miss the wealth of his son’s pictures all over the room. 

“Truthfully, I expected as much,” Masaki said, sipping his tea. “I probably would have found it odd if Taiga agreed. That son of mine has made it a habit to resist everything related to me.” 

He and Jesse glanced uncomfortably at each other. Both knew there was an underlying drama within the family but didn’t want to pry. 

Jesse cleared his throat to speak, but Masaki continued. “It’s actually amazing that he spoke to you again,” he said to Hokuto, “he is the type to reject an offer and would never look back. I wonder if you did something to move him?”

“Ah, about that.” He pulled a copy of Tears from his bag and yes, he always carries 3 copies of the said novel. “I gave him this and I think the story moved him.” 

Like father, like son, Masaki looked at the copy with the same disinterest. 

“I see,” he said and Hokuto could tell that he wasn’t remotely interested in reading the book.

Jesse cleared his throat again. “Uhm, so, I know we failed to make Taiga-san agree, but is there any way that you would like to continue to write-”

“I’m afraid not,” Masaki said ruefully. “I really want to do this with Taiga and without him, there’s no purpose anymore.” 

“We understand,” they said together, nodding gravely as the future of New World Publishing looks bleak more than ever. 

***

"You don't have to treat me for a meal, I'm not blaming you," Jesse said while he ate his oyakodon with gusto. "I'm surprised you like this place, I thought you hate waiting more than 20 mins just for food," he added, looking around the packed restaurant where they queued for an hour. 

"I want something hearty," Hokuto said, chewing his chicken slowly, hoping the rich umami flavor would give him fresh ideas on how they could bring money to the company. "By the way," he said, remembering something, "you knew Kouchi all along? So why did you pester me to talk to Kyomoto?" 

"Oh, that? Well, we're not that close," Jesse said, avoiding his gaze. "And I don't want him to think that I'm taking advantage of our friendship for his connections to Kyomoto."

Hokuto raised an eyebrow. "Is that really the only reason?" 

"What else could be the other reasons?" Jesse asked, looking offended.

Hokuto thought about this, recalling how Jesse once tried to matchmake him to a children’s book illustrator. He thought about Taiga and Hokuto concluded it was a ludicrous idea. "Okay, I believe you." 

Jesse grinned. "But on a serious note, the father and son seemed to have unresolved issues, what do you think?"

"Possibly," Hokuto agreed, "considering he chose to stay in a net cafe rather than at home." He took a cube of chicken and topped it with a few egg whites. "They aren't like this oyako that goes well together."

"Huh?" Jesse mumbled, frowning toward Hokuto as though he spoke a foreign language.

"Oyako means parent and child, chicken and their eggs?" 

"Ahhhh…right," Jesse said, nodding repeatedly before he changed the topic. "By the way, I'm thinking we should return to the office set-up soon."

Hokuto found it hard to swallow his food. Return to the office? Not bloody likely. 

"All of us have been triple-vaxxed, I've purchased air purifiers, acrylic divisions will be arriving tomorrow, and to enforce distancing, I've also converted half of our library to office space." 

"Oh…" Panic rose within Hokuto, this RTO shouldn’t happen yet. He has a food journey to finish, and working from home is the most viable solution. "What do they think of this?" He asked, quite confident that Shintaro and Juri won't agree, as well as the rest of their 12 employees. After all, they still get things done even at home. 

“Oh, I'm sure there will be protests,” Jesse sighed. “So I'm thinking of starting slowly. 50% will have to go back to the office for a month, then the other 50% for the next month. Shifting schedule and oh, I'm shunning the 9-5 sched, open time as long as they complete the 8 hours shift. What do you think?”

“Well, looks good,” he replied even though he still has reservations. “Let's finish this quickly so others can have their lunch,” he added, changing the topic.

…oyako means parent-and-child, the chicken and the egg. Although I disagree with calling an egg a child since it hasn’t been given the chance to develop, it’s nice to note how an egg could turn differently than the parent. Just like in real life, a child could be different than their parents and that should be okay, right? 

***

Hokuto is never privy to his neighbors' affairs, but his newest neighbor, who finished moving in last night, seemed a bit odd right in the morning. 

"Another uber eats?" Hokuto murmured as he closed his front door. If he was not mistaken, his neighbor's doorbell had been ringing for at least 30 minutes since 10 in the morning. He wondered if his neighbor is having some sort of 'moving party', thus, the abundance of food. 

“Should I still bother with lunch? What if my new neighbor hands out food?” His musings about food got paused when he received a call from Juri. 

"Hello, Juri?"

"Uhm, Hokuto, err, sorry about earlier."

Hokuto smiled, moving toward his balcony. "It's no big deal," he said. As expected, Juri and Shintaro didn't take Jesse's "Return to Office" order nicely. They were livid even though Jesse told the three of them that only one of them has to return since Jesse would be present. Shintaro and Juri bickered so much that Hokuto volunteered to return to the office just to make them shut up.

"I still feel guilty. Well, not just me but also Shintaro. We acted like kids."

"It's fine, it's only for a month, I can manage."

"Uhm, about that, well…you can stay at home, I'll be the one to return to the office."

Hokuto gaped. "Eh?! Look, it's really okay for me to go back-"

"Just work from home, Hokuto," Juri insisted and Hokuto could detect rising anger from Juri's tone, which was weird considering Juri is insisting on something he argued so much against earlier.

"A-are you sure? Why did you suddenly change your mind?" 

"Just work from home," he repeated. "By the way, as an apology, I sent you some sushi for lunch through uber eats. It should be arriving any time now."

"Oh, okay, t-thanks?" His doorbell rang and Hokuto mumbled a quick goodbye as he walked to his front door. 

"Yes?" As soon as he opened his door, he heard another door opening to his left.  

Hokuto's jaw dropped, while he stared unblinkingly at his new neighbor.

Impossible.

"Oh! Matsumura-san?"

"Kyomoto-san," he replied quietly. 

"Uhm, sushi for Matsumura Hokuto?"

Hokuto quickly turned to the driver to accept the sushi ordered by Juri. 

"Ah, sorry, I thought the doorbell that rang was mine," Taiga said after the delivery rider left. 

Hokuto nodded in understanding. Of course, Taiga thought the delivery was for him since he'd been receiving orders nonstop. 

"You moved here last night?" He asked. He really didn't want to start a conversation, but he also didn't want to invite him to his home. 

"Yes, Kouchi found this place for me, who would have thought that you'd be my neighbor?"

"Yeah, imagine that." He was really surprised to see Taiga as his neighbor. One would think that Taiga would favor some high-end, high-rise condominium that offered sweeping views of Tokyo Tower, but here he is, in Hokuto's modest-size apartment block that offered views of the nearby suburban-style residences. 

"Anyway, I'll see you around then, enjoy your lunch," he said all too quickly without waiting for Hokuto's reply.

Hokuto sighed. He probably should push returning to the office again. 

***

Hokuto had no idea how long he had dozed off, he had been busy reading queries, looking for the next bestseller for New World when he fell asleep on his desk. As expected, a lot of queries he received didn’t follow his MWSL that was stated on the company’s website and on his Twitter account. It was specifically stated that he’s looking for literary fiction, historical fiction, and essays for non-fiction genres. However, he received a lot of suspense, fantasy, young-adult, and even erotica that he forwarded to Juri. 

He was drenched in sweat, the electric fan did nothing to quell the heat so he decided to go back to his bedroom and wallow in the cool breeze of an air conditioner. As he stood up to close his balcony door, he heard it. The gentle sound of a string instrument, and along with it, a familiar tune. 

"Camille Saint-Saëns, The Swan."

Hokuto was never into the classical music scene, but he knew the piece well. Back in college and when he was still discovering his writing style, he had an internship at a magazine that asked him to cover a musical competition. He was also instructed to focus on Kyomoto Taiga, who was then being hailed as a musical genius. It was at that competition where Taiga played Saint-Saëns' "The Swan". One of the most popular compositions using solo cello. Hokuto had never heard of it until then, and for him, Taiga played it beautifully, sublime, like a swan gliding over the water. It was the most soothing piece Hokuto ever heard, and he regaled Taiga with praises in the review he wrote.

However, Hokuto learned that classical music audiences were quite a rabid bunch. No music writer nor critic commended Taiga's performance. They said that Taiga "insulted the competition" for playing a piece that lacked difficulty and technicality. In the end, Hokuto's article was scrapped by his superior, and he learned that in classical music, feelings were frivolous in judging a piece. 

He leaned his head on his balcony door, letting the slow tempo carry him to somewhere cool and green until he drifted back to sleep. 

…I think of The Swan when I eat oyakodon, not because they came from the same family, but because they give me the same feeling. Comforting. In these times when I’m unsure of almost everything, it’s reassuring to know that when things get too heavy, music and food will always be my fallback. 

2019 June 13 ,  

 

I'm Japanese so I should always be partial to rice, but back in Vienna and in the absence of a rice-cooker, I found myself leaning into bread. Today, I went to a bakeshop to buy a curry pan, and I went out with 5 other breads. I think the displays are bewitched? That’s the only explanation why I can’t help but buy more than I intended. 

 

Hokuto is in a dilemma. He has always followed the journal's recommendations, but as he scanned the display of bread at Buns and Roses Baked Goods , Hokuto concluded that he didn't like any of the croissants, Danish pastries, cheese streusels, Vienna sausage rolls, and sourdoughs. The curry pan is the only one he could agree on, as for the rest, he'd rather have anpan, melon pan, sweet potato cake, and yakisoba pan. He looked sheepishly at the bread mentioned, mumbling apologies in his mind before he picked up only those he wanted to eat. He dashed to the payment counter before he could change his mind. 

“That’s 1215 Yen,” the shopkeeper said. 

Hokuto was just pulling-out some cash when the shopkeeper spoke again in a monotonous tone. 

“Do you want to add more bread? If you buy 5000 Yen worth of bread, you’ll earn a raffle entry for this event.” She pointed to the poster beside the cake display. It was an advertisement for the upcoming Autumn Sonata where a famous Maestro would be conducting for Tokyo’s Philharmonic Orchestra. On the bottom right where the Maestro’s special guests who will be playing with the orchestra for the weekend performances. One of them is a violin virtuoso and the other is a cellist. 

“Kyomoto Taiga.” Hokuto thought he only whispered Taiga’s name but apparently, the shopkeeper heard him. 

“The owner of this bakeshop is a huge fan of Kyomoto Taiga-san,” she said in a voice as though she’s supplying top-secret information. “He said that Taiga-san is a regular customer, but I haven’t really seen him yet considering there was news he’s already back in Japan,” she added.

“He must be busy,” Hokuto said, counting 2 1000 Yens before placing them hard on the counter, but the shopkeeper seemed keen to gossip more. 

“Must be.” She shrugged, then mindlessly picked up the bills. “The owner has started baking bread that Taiga-san always buys. Like that sourdough, for example, it was never a huge seller so she stopped making them, but she made two again just in case he dropped by.” She counted Hokuto’s change before she recalled something. “I guess you don’t want a raffle entry then?” 

“Uhm,” he looked mindlessly at the rows of bread behind him, “maybe next time,” he said, opening his palm for his change, “when I’m in the mood for a sourdough.” 

***

Hokuto managed to arrive at home just in time for the ZOOM meeting. Jesse greeted them with an energetic “good morning” while Juri merely grunted, looking surly. 

“Are you wearing pajamas in the office?” Hokuto asked Juri, noticing the blue satin button-down top in which he has a similar one. 

Jesse scoffed. “He’s trying to be rebellious but he’s failing.” 

“But he didn’t have to be in the office, I volunteered-”

“It’s fine, Hokuto,” Juri said, standing up to show his overall attire, “this is fashion, isn’t it? You used to do this.” 

“Err, yes, but I always pair it with casual jeans and not pajamas for the bottom as well.” 

“Don’t mind him,” Jesse said, starting the screenshare, “let’s start this quick meeting, and first up, we received a request for a second printing of Roppongi Class. ”

Virtual confetti and fireworks erupted on the screen. Shintaro stared open-mouthed while Jesse, Juri, and Hokuto clapped their hands and yelled their fervent congratulations. 

“Second fucking printing?! Really?” Shintaro bellowed once the shock had worn off. 

“Really,” Jesse said, beaming, “didn’t think it would be a hit. We had it for over a year and sales started picking up after that Hallyu star was seen with a copy. Hoping it’ll improve his Japanese, he said.” 

“I’m so shookt I might shit myself,” Shintaro said, his face still masked with disbelief. “Let’s all meet tonight for drinks, not just us four, but everyone.” 

They all agreed and nodded as Jesse continued, “I know we just had another Juhan Shuttai , but we’re not in the clear yet. The second printing might pull us up a bit from getting closer to the red, but we still need to increase our sales before we can breathe comfortably.”

They again nodded in understanding, their faces hardened with determination. 

“Same time next week, I’m expecting that all of you will present book ideas from queries you got or from unpublished and amateur writers you think have stories worthy of getting published. I’ll be needing three pitches from each of you so please dig your emails, revisit your slush piles, and go to forums, and writing platforms. I’m sure there’s something that we haven’t read yet and worthy of being published,” Jesse added while Hokuto typed hastily as part of their Minutes of Meeting that would be sent to the rest of the staff afterward.

“Next on the agenda is the book launch this Saturday,” Jesse continued. They all eyed Juri, whose surliness had gone, and became more interested in the meeting, “as it coincides with Juri's birthday…he's free not to attend.”

Relief flooded Juri's face. He had told them beforehand that he made plans with his girlfriend for his birthday so he volunteered to take charge of the book launch in exchange for not attending the event.

“Everything has been sorted out, from the venue to catering to music, to select fans and members of the media. All you guys need to do is show up," Juri said, smiling nervously at them.

“Very good then,” Jesse looked at his watch, “I have an emergency remote meeting, if you have other questions, shoot me an email. I'll see everyone tonight,” Jesse finished and they all logged off.

Instead of getting back to work, Hokuto went to his refrigerator, opened a can of beer, and headed toward his balcony. He drank his beer straight, uncaring if his stomach screamed in protest since he hasn't had breakfast yet. Hokuto was hoping the bubbles would lift his mood up. He knew he shouldn't be feeling this way, the achievement of one person in New World is an achievement by everyone. But he couldn't help but feel sad and incompetent since he is the only one whose authors' works never got to the second print. 

"You drink beer in the morning?"

He almost spat out his beer in surprise, he turned to his neighbor while he wiped his chin. Taiga wore an all-black oversize ensemble of T-shirts and running pants. He also wore oversized ultra-dark sunglasses, and on his hand was a tiny porcelain cup. He smiled smugly before saying, "Turkish coffee." He raised the cup as though that should be obvious before he took a sip. 

Hokuto finished his beer while he listened to Taiga’s satisfied moans from his Turkish coffee. Hokuto wondered, would his work be any easier if Taiga agreed to do the autobiography? Would he finally have his Juhan Shuttai? 

“By the way,” Hokuto started, seeing that Taiga had chosen to sit on his swing chair instead of returning back inside his apartment. “I saw an ad earlier about Autumn Sonata.” 

Taiga stifled a yawn. “That? Do you want tickets?” He asked, his attention remaining on studying the contents of his mini cup. 

"No," Hokuto answered hastily, startled by Taiga's sudden offer. "That reminds me, I haven't heard you play lately," he added, hoping he didn’t look nosy. He wouldn't admit that he'd been opening his balcony door and craning his neck just to listen for any sound every night. Seeing the oversized sunglasses on Taiga’s eyes, Hokuto assumed that Taiga must have returned to playing computer games nonstop. Taiga hasn't been getting food deliveries either. Hokuto bit his lower lip, he is becoming nosy.

Taiga looked up at him. “Someone complained to the management that I’m making a racket in the middle of the night,” he said loudly, shooting Hokuto with a dark look. 

Hokuto shook his head to deny any involvement in it while Taiga continued, “the management said I could still practice until 10 in the evening. Ten?!” He said with a huff, “I’m just starting at that time. So they gave me permission to soundproof my apartment but the contractor is taking too long to arrive.” 

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Why are you apologizing? Are you the one who complained?” 

“Definitely not,” Hokuto denied strongly, “I actually like listening to your playing.” 

Taiga snickered. “Then, don’t apologize. I know who complained.” He raised a middle finger and pointed it at the balcony to his right. 

“Ah…” was all Hokuto could say. He knew the resident of that unit, a batty old man who treated everything as noise, even the sound of one’s breathing. 

“Anyway, just tell me if you still need those tickets for Autumn Sonata, it’s the least I could do after what my father did.” 

Hokuto shook his head. “It’s all fine, we’ve moved on.” 

“Oh! Are you sure?” He gave Hokuto a puzzled look. “I thought you were feeling bad that's why you’re drinking beer in the morning.” 

“Well-” Taiga is right, he does feel bad but for a different reason, and he felt bad for feeling bad if that made any sense. Then, he realized something. “-are you referring to your father rejecting our autobiography offer because we failed to make you agree to do one with him?” 

Taiga opened his mouth in surprise. “I guess, you don’t know yet?” 

“Know what?” He asked quietly, his heart thumping widely against his ribs while his phone buzzed and pinged inside his apartment. 

Taiga sighed. “He will be doing his autobiography, but with a different publisher.” 

 

…..croissants are best if paired with tuna spread, slices of cucumber, and a bit of nori. Reminds me of my favorite tuna mayo onigiri. The Danish pastry and cheese streusels are perfect in-between work snacks, Vienna sausage is perfect to eat when you’re walking and rushing back home, and then there’s my love-hate relationship with sourdough. 

***

The drinking session planned that night to celebrate Roppongi Class’s second edition became a somber affair. Some felt betrayed by Masaki-san, others defeated, while the rest were vengeful.

“I’m not going to sleep tonight, I’ll be reading all novels from Novel Updates and Wordy Buzz. I’ll find something,” Aika said, Hokuto’s copy editor. 

“My dad is a huge fan of Masaki-san, he was even a fan club secretary, wait till he hears this,” Ran said, one of their proofreaders. 

“At this point, I’ll do everything within my power to get Justin Bieber to agree to any form of print,” Alice said, their book designer. 

Jesse snapped his finger and everyone turned to him. “Guys, guys,” he said, his tone mellow and consoling, “we should be celebrating here! Masaki-san is just another door that has closed to us, but there are other doors and more windows. I'm pretty confident that something bigger will open for us. So cheer up!” 

"Aren't you disappointed?" Juri asked, looking forlorn. "You're the one who really wanted this to happen."

Jesse sighed. "The emergency remote meeting I had earlier was actually with Masaki-san. He apologized because he couldn't say no to a friend's son, the one who owns the publishing house, and signed him up. I said it's unfortunate, but it's fine. We will be fine," Jesse said, his eyes traveling to all of them.

Jesse raised his glass and the others followed suit. 

“To the New World!” Jesse exclaimed and they made a toast. 

***

Hokuto staggered to walk straight as he got out of the taxi. He was quite far from his apartment, but the driver kicked him out after he vomited a good deal of what he drank. He shouldn’t have drunk that much, but he couldn’t help but blame himself. If only he managed to make Taiga agree, they’d probably have Masaki-san signed up. Moreover, he’s still fretting over the fact that he never had his Juhan Shuttai. 

"2 flights of stairs to go…" he muttered as he took slow steps. He still felt a bit queasy and he was really tempted to just sleep on these steps. Maybe he should? He plopped down on the steps and closed his eyes. Summer night remained unforgiving, Hokuto felt like he was seating in a sauna, sweat sliding down his back, chest, and armpit, and not a hint of air blowing. 

"Matsumura?"

Slowly opening his eyes, he saw Taiga hugging a huge brown bag. He wore the same outfit he had this morning, sans the glasses, but now with a bucket hat and a black mask. It was hard not to envy Taiga, he looked so chill at the moment, and his only worry so far is soundproofing his apartment. 

"Hi, neighbor!" He greeted, his voice didn't sound like his own, it was high-pitch. "We've been seeing each other a lot lately." He went down a few steps and without a word, he linked his arm with Taiga but he immediately stepped back. Revulsion on his face. 

"You smell of alcohol and vomit," he said, pinching his nose. 

Hokuto acted as though he didn't hear him. "Oh, you're playing Pokemon Go?!" He pointed at his phone. "What's your level?"

Taiga didn't answer him but instead placed his phone deep in his pocket. Hokuto was about to speak again when Taiga shoved something in his mouth. It was hard and crusty, but when Hokuto sank his teeth into it, it was soft and tangy.

"Just have a sourdough, might sober you up," Taiga said before sauntering away from him.

….I hated sourdough the first time I tasted it. I thought it was spoiled because it was a bit sour. It was a bit challenging to chew as well. But as far as ‘acquired taste’ goes, I began to like it. I usually drizzle it with olive oil and pepper and pan-fry it. Melted butter with a dash of parmesan cheese also works. But in times where I have to ruminate, gnawing on plain sourdough is helpful, chewing longer makes me focus and clears my mind. 

2019 June 14,  

 

"Does he have enough time for a graceful exit? So people would remember him  positively, instead of someone who has fallen from grace?" These lines are still etched in my mind. It was a review I received after that disappointing Haydn performance. She used to write kindly about me, but my world is also quite unforgiving, they would turn on you the moment you made a single mistake. It made me think, have I really gone pro, or am I forever in a competition? Who am I really playing for? Is this the music I want to deliver? I have so many questions and I blame the wine for this sudden self-reflection. Shinya-san really knows his stuff, but he was wrong when he told me that this Gamay Noir would make me forget my problems, it only made me delve deeper to stuff that I’ve only been looking at the surface. 

“Uhm, if there’s a language of flowers, is there also a wine language? Like what wine do you recommend that says, ‘I’m sorry for the stuff I said, I was drunk’,” Hokuto asked, looking hopefully to Shinya-san, the Francophile owner of La Pioche. 

“The language of wine is entirely different from that of a flower language, but I’m pretty sure that giving wine for something that you’re also apologizing for because of drunkenness is not a good idea.”

Hokuto sighed. “Right.”

“Perhaps a meaningful note would suffice?” Shinya-san suggested. 

Hokuto stretched his arms overhead. “I don’t think he’ll want to receive anything written from me.” 

“Well-” Shinya-san paused, waving wildly to a couple who just arrived. “Excuse me, some friends arrived, enjoy your Beaujolais.” 

Hokuto took another sip of his wine, enjoying the burst of berries, before succumbing back to embarrassment and regret. Last night, Taiga was kind enough to slow his pace while Hokuto teetered behind. Or maybe he slowed his pace because he was busy catching Pokemons? Nevertheless, Taiga waited on him until they safely reached the top of the stairs and onto their apartment. And Hokuto repaid him by being a bitter loser. Hokuto cringed upon recalling what he said.

“I wish I had at least half of your talent. It must be nice being successful at your age, you can play games all you want, and your only worry is soundproofing your apartment,” he said, looking intently at Taiga. 

Taiga simply frowned, he didn’t say anything back at Hokuto until they reached their apartment doors. 

“It must also be nice to assume that you know all about me.” He heard Taiga say in a clipped tone and when Hokuto looked at Taiga, he was glaring. 

“You don’t know anything about me. And just because I’ve been playing games all I want doesn’t mean I have no burdens to carry. In fact, I must have gotten really good that people won’t even notice I’m carrying something heavy.” 

Hokuto sighed once more, scratching his head with vigor while he chastised himself. Drunken ramblings, his ass. The alcohol only gave him the courage to say something he has always felt. Deep inside, he blamed Taiga for why his father was snatched by another publisher. It also irked Hokuto how Taiga was so relaxed when it concerned Hokuto’s bread and butter. But he knew the truth, none of it was Taiga’s fault, and he should have kept his mouth shut. 

***

2019 June 15,

 

I had an uninterrupted sleep last night, the first time since things started to fuck up. I wonder if that's because of wine? Or is it because I started  accepting I have problems instead of treating them as fleeting inconveniences? Nevertheless, I think I should lay-off with wine, or any alcohol for that matter. I had a huge row with my father and I know I shouldn’t blame the wine, but the wine really gave me a push to say the things I couldn’t bring myself to say when I’m sober. Did I say sober? I think I should say, coward. Yeah, I need alcohol to say things I want to say because I’m too cowardly to make myself heard. I guess that’s the reason I’m in this state. I’ve always kept my feelings bottled-up until it exploded. Sorry, this should be a food journal but here I am…

 

"I'm really sorry about the other night," Hokuto said, bowing deeply as soon as he heard the door opening. There was only silence and when Hokuto looked up, a gaunt, mustache man was staring at him.

"Uhm-"

"Kyomoto-san went out, we're soundproofing his apartment."

Hokuto felt his cheeks heat up. "I see, uhm," he extended the box of Chocolate Liqueur, something he bought despite his better judgment. "Please have this then, enjoy it with your crew."

The man beamed and thanked him while he returned to his apartment dejected. No wonder Taiga opened his door immediately after he ignored Hokuto all-day yesterday, he wasn't at home.

He studied his slush pile to distract himself, most of which were sent by post when he clearly stated that he would only entertain digital submissions. He had opened five submissions so far, all of which were not up to his standard. Or maybe he'd been too perfectionist lately, he would go over the manuscript and look at its potential of getting a second edition. Whatever happened to his belief that “writers will always find their readers”? He guessed he was becoming obsessed with the second printing thing and he started looking at saleability instead of readability. 

His thoughts got interrupted by Shintaro’s LINE message, asking him if he has an extra invitation for tonight’s book launch since he’s planning someone. Glancing at his extra invitation by his table, he was about to reply “yes”, but he hesitated, the book’s title “Shoot for the Moon” suddenly looked like it was covered in gold and sparkling, as though it was calling him. 

“Sorry, I’m planning to invite someone,” Hokuto replied to Shintaro before sending a message to Kouchi. 

  ***

“Thank you so much for coming, Kouchi-san and Kyomoto-san,” Hokuto smiled shyly while Taiga glowered at him before turning away. 

“I told you, just call me Kouchi!” He gave a friendly pat on Hokuto’s shoulder as they took a seat in the back row. 

“I thought we’re having dinner, Kouchi?” Taiga asked in a snide manner, ignoring Hokuto.

“The catering will be opened later after the book reading,” Hokuto answered for Kouchi, but Taiga is determined to treat him as invisible. “But I think they’ll be serving hors d’oeuvres soon before the reading starts.” 

“I actually know this author, Ninomiya-san,” Kouchi interjected, mouthing an apology toward Hokuto, “my mom’s a fan. I didn’t know New World has been publishing her works.” 

“Oh, we didn’t publish her past works, it was by a different publisher. Then, her contract expired and she decided to change publishers and that’s when we came in.” 

“Cool! Congratulations on getting her!” Kouchi mused while Taiga immersed himself in his phone and as far as Hokuto could see, he had started Pokemon Go. 

“I’ll walk around,” he told Kouchi, “because, you know, I only play all day.” He got up before Kouchi could stop him while Hokuto’s gaze followed Taiga. Hokuto could only sigh in relief seeing that he didn’t leave the venue, he simply walked in circles around the lounge. 

“Emergency!” Shintaro whispered as he approached him, his voice in panic. 

Hokuto looked back at Kouchi. “Excuse us, we’ll just be backstage.” 

“What is it?” Hokuto asked as they walked past catering. 

“The quartet canceled. Their viola had an upset stomach.” 

“Then, can they just be a trio?” 

“They refuse. They have to play as four or nothing.”

“Then…no music at all?” 

Shintaro looked at him as though he asked something really stupid. “Impossible. She has to have live music playing during her readings, it’s in her contract.” 

"Uhm, you have friends who are in a band, right?"

"They don't know a shit about classical music, do they?"

“Shit!” Hokuto uttered, exasperated until he saw Taiga mill around the catering. 

“No, you can’t be thinking,” Shintaro gasped, from the sound of it, he could tell what Hokuto was thinking. 

“I’m desperate.” Hokuto squared his shoulders and quickly moved toward Taiga. 

“Kyomoto Taiga-san,” he said loudly that even Taiga was startled. With bated breath, he kneeled on the floor, and said, “please help us.” 

***

“The cities, the roads, the countryside, the people I meet - they all begin to blur. I tell myself I am searching for something. But more and more, it feels like I am wandering, waiting for something to happen to me, something that will change everything, something that my whole life has been leading up to.”

The audience erupted in light applause while the music slowly faltered. Jesse went up onstage, telling the mini crowd that Ninomiya-san would start taking questions. Backstage, Hokuto could feel his fingers tremble while he waited for Taiga with a bottle of water at hand. 

“ Otsukaresama desu ,” Hokuto greeted as soon as Taiga got backstage. He handed him his water while he lowered his face mask and loosened his bowtie. 

Taiga took a deep breath and wordlessly, took the water from Hokuto and drank it straight. And Hokuto might be wrong, but Taiga seemed to be trembling as well. 

The past hours passed like a blur. Taiga initially rejected his request, but reluctantly agreed because of Kouchi’s goading. Then, Jesse arrived with Ninomiya-san, who became ecstatic after learning that Taiga would be playing for her reading, and that she didn’t mind waiting for a bit while he went back to his apartment and retrieved his cello. 

“Uhm, that was really beautiful,” Hokuto said quietly. He didn’t want to appear over-enthusiastic, but the moment Taiga started his movement, Hokuto had forgotten all about the reading, and all he heard was the gentle tunes from Taiga’s cello. Ninomiya-san’s story became the background while Taiga’s cello took the center stage. 

“Do you even know what I played?” Taiga asked in an uppity tone. 

Hokuto swallowed hard. “I have no idea,” he admitted with reluctance, “but I will never forget how it made me feel,” he added hurriedly. 

Taiga raised an eyebrow, he looked bewildered by Hokuto’s answer. “And how did it make you feel?” 

“Felt like time had slowed, that somehow time became infinite. Music just flows through time until it transports me to a distant galaxy and everything else is achingly beautiful.” Hokuto didn’t realize that he said these with his eyes closed and when he opened them, Taiga looked mildly impressed. 

“It’s Arvo Pärt’s Spiegel im Spiegel . Mirror in the Mirror. And you’re right about the infinite part. The cello keeps returning to the pitch ‘A’, the piece develops with pitches added below and above this ‘A’, and thus, creating a seemingly endless continuum,” Taiga paused and cleared his throat, “I said too much, I’m sure you have no idea what I’m talking about. Excuse me.” 

Taiga turned his back to leave when Hokuto spoke again, “you’re right, I have no idea what you were talking about.”

Taiga turned back. “I didn’t mean anything-”

“It’s the truth though and I’m not offended,” Hokuto cuts in. “I have no idea what you were talking about because I have no idea what you have been working on. You were able to play that piece brilliantly on such short notice because it only meant one thing, you’ve been working hard, and I was too ignorant to see that and said those things about you. I am sorry.” 

Taiga didn’t say anything, he simply smiled, and that was enough. 

…enough with the drama and let’s go back to food. I swear to stop drinking but I came across Anthon Berg’s chocolate liqueurs and oh my, whose idea is this? It’s genius! Chocolate and liquor? Perfect match. 

Hokuto dreamily opened his eyes as a mixture of burnt, nutty, and spicy aroma wafted toward him. He found himself in an unfamiliar room. The walls were covered with hexagon-shaped panels that made him feel he was inside a beehive, but instead of yellow, the shapes were in the shade of dark blue, gray, and cyan. He sat up and saw a familiar blond busy by the kitchen’s stove. He slowly sank back on the couch and pulled the blanket over his head. 

What the fuck is he doing in Taiga’s apartment? 

He racked his brain about last night’s events. The reading was a roaring success. He drank merrily. He was quite giddy because Taiga had forgiven him. He drank more. Taiga played something more modern after all the guests were gone. He drank more and more. He shut his eyes tight, wondering if he became such a drunkard that he blacked out afterward. 

“If you want to pretend that you’ve just woke up, now is the right time. Kouchi and I have to leave soon, we have to fetch someone at the airport.” 

Upon hearing Taiga’s voice, Hokuto made a loud yawn as he lowered his blanket, stretched his arms, and squinted over Taiga. “Oh, g-good morning,” he said in a sluggish voice as the bathroom door opposite the kitchen burst open and revealed Kouchi. His hair was still wet as he gave Hokuto a glance. 

“Ohayo !” Kouchi greeted and sat back on the dining table and started buttering a toast. “Breakfast?” Kouchi said, raising a plate of toast. 

“Ah, y-yes.” Hokuto quickly folded his blanket while he just noticed a neatly folded futon on the floor. He didn’t know why, but he felt relieved to see that Kouchi also slept in Taiga’s apartment. 

He timidly approached the dining table. He didn’t know how to act around Kouchi and Taiga. Both were acting as though it was normal for Hokuto to wake up there. Kouchi was absorbed on his iPad while Taiga was on his phone. 

“Nice soundproofing job,” Hokuto remarked as he helped himself with a toast and strawberry jam. 

“It’s not yet done,” Taiga said looking up from his phone, “they still have to add acoustic panels on the ceiling and a portable one around the window.” 

“Ah,” Hokuto mumbled, taking a sip of his Turkish Coffee, before descending into a coughing fit. 

Kouchi and Taiga quickly handed him a glass of water. “Sorry, I should have asked how much sugar you would want with your coffee,” Taiga said. 

Hokuto waved his hand, he drank his water halfway before he spoke, “it’s fine. I’m just surprised with the taste, that’s all.” He took another sip of coffee, more carefully this time. “It’s….unique. Did you use spices?” He asked. 

“Cardamon,” Taiga replied, looking utterly pleased. 

Hokuto smiled. “By the way, uhm, about last night…” His eyes darted between Kouchi and Taiga. “How did I end up here?” 

They both chuckled. “You drank so much,” Taiga shared, looking mildly amused and reproachful. 

“Even Jesse was surprised,” Kouchi added, “he said you only drank that much when you’re too sad or too happy, he guessed it’s the latter.” 

“We could have dropped you in your apartment, but Kouchi couldn’t find your keys in your bag,” Taiga said, now finished with his coffee. 

“Oh! Could I have lost my keys?” He got up to retrieve his bag from the foot of the couch and rummaged through the pocket of his tote bag. “It’s here!” He sighed in relief, “it’s just by the inner pocket.” 

“Oh!” Kouchi grinned. “I guess I was just as drunk last night so I didn’t see it.” 

“You weren’t that drunk,” Taiga retorted, “you even drove us home.”

“I was feeling a bit dizzy,” Kouchi said indignantly, “that’s why I also slept here.”

“Ahhh, I thought you only slept here because we have somewhere to go today, and look at the time!” Taiga frantically stood up. “I’ll take a quick shower, just leave everything in the dishwasher, and-” He turned to Hokuto, “sorry if the breakfast is lacking, I’ll make you a proper one next time.” 

Taiga was gone before Hokuto could protest. Kouchi resumed whatever he was doing on his iPad, and Hokuto finished his remaining toast while silently hoping that the “next time” would come soon.    

***

“I'm tired, tired, and tired,” said Shintaro through clenched teeth, “so why are we just having a salad?” His nostrils flared like a dragon breathing fire while he stared malevolently at the salad wrap in his hand. 

“I added another serving of chicken to your Hail Caesar! ” Hokuto added as he unwrapped his Tuna San . 

“Another serving of steamed chicken breast, you mean?” Shintaro said with distaste before he grudgingly bit on his wrap. Hokuto heard a crunch as a huge chunk of the wrap was eaten. 

“Eating healthy is said to be good for mental health.”

“To each his own,” Shintaro muttered, “I'm going to go mental from veggies. Let's have yakisoba after this, complex carbs keep me sane. That meeting had drained me of everything.”

Hokuto sighed. He and Shintaro just spent half a day at the office. Each of them pitched more than three manuscripts to Jesse, but the meeting ended and only one manuscript got in for consideration. The synopsis wasn't even that good in Hokuto's opinion, but because BL is in the hype nowadays, Jesse thought they might as well join the bandwagon.  

“By the way,” Shintato said after he finished his wrap in a flash, “do you fancy Kyomoto?” 

Hokuto almost choked on his food, Shintaro hurriedly handed him his viscous smoothie that did almost no help. 

“What made you say that?” He asked after he recovered. 

“Well, you have a puppyish look in your eyes when you stare at him.”

“Puppyish? What do you mean by that?” He inquired.

“Oh, err, just like how Shelly looks at me like she's infatuated with me.”

Hokuto scowled more. He didn't know if he liked being compared to a dog, or being accused of infatuation at his age. “I'm not infatuated with Kyomoto nor do I fancy him,” he said with ire. “It must be just the alcohol, my eyes turned languid-like when I had too much to drink. It could give that impression by mistake.” 

“Ah, really?” said Shintaro, in a voice inflecting that he didn't believe him. 

“Really,” he replied with conviction as he started cleaning up. 

“If it's true then, no problem at all. I don't want you to be in a tricky situation.”

“What do you - wait a minute, where's the journal?” He asked shrilly, which made several heads turn in their direction.

“Journal, what journal?”

Hokuto finished rummaging his bag before tapping the space by the table on his right. “Didn't I place a journal here when we arrived or before we ate?”

Shintaro shook his head. “I didn't see any journal. Besides, why would you be pulling out a journal when we're supposed to be eating?”

Shintaro's voice droned on as Hokuto's heart raced, his mind rewinding on the events before lunch. 

“Let's have yakisoba!” Shintaro said at the same time Hokuto said, “I'll go back to the office.”

“Uhm, you go first to where you want to have a yakisoba, just message me where it is, and I'll go back to the office real quick,” he said and dashed out before Shintaro could even utter a word.

***

Lunchtime and New World's “Production floor” is deserted. Hokuto went to his desk and for its neatness, he could tell at a glance that the journal wasn't there. 

“Looking for this?”

He whirled around and saw Jesse walking towards him while waving the journal.

“Where did I leave it?”

“On your desk,” Jesse said, clutching the journal on his chest with no intention of giving it back to him yet. “Is this yours though?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Well, y-yes,” Hokuto said stiffly.

“Ah, really?” Jesse said, in the same voice that Shintaro had earlier when he asked him if he liked Taiga. “Then, can we publish this?”

“What?!” Hokuto asked, gobsmacked. 

“It's very interesting.” Jesse opened the journal and flipped a couple of pages. “I've always wanted to publish something like 'Eat, Pray, Love', and this fits the bill. Although, this one is mostly eating. I presume-” he looked back at Hokuto with his lips curled, “-you ate at Salad Stop! today?” 

Hokuto chose to come clean. “Fine. It's not mine. If you've read at least a couple of entries, it's easy to say that it's not mine. First, I've never been to Vienna.”

“Of course, it's not yours. I can tell from the writing style. You have a flair for dramatic and poetic words that my kanji knowledge can't reach.” Jesse grinned and Hokuto chuckled as well. 

“So, what do you think of my book idea? We can publish this and we could criss-cross with your views as well. Like how it was in 2019 and today in 2022.”

“Uhm, I don't know.” He took the journal from Jesse. The feeling of protectiveness over an inanimate object swept over him. “The other contents were very personal.”

“We could cut that out and just focus on food and feelings about the food,” Jesse suggested.

“But…it's still not mine,” he persisted.

“From the first entry alone, the original owner of the journal is relinquishing any ownership if this was found by someone else. You found it, doesn't that make it yours now?”

“Yeah, I suppose. But-” he ran his fingers over its leather cover, it has aged and became darker and supple “- it doesn't feel right at all,” he said after an obvious hesitation. 

“Until now, I feel like I'm intruding into someone else's life. And as you've said, the original owner is giving up any rights over this, and I think it's because he doesn't want to be known. He'd rather lose this than be known that he owned this and had written that stuff. So if we publish this, even without the personal stuff, we're basically exposing his identity.”

An awkward silence followed, Hokuto could feel Jesse’s eyes on him while he fiddled with the journal’s clasp. 

“Very well, I respect your decision,” Jesse said after a while. “Too bad because I'm sure it'll be a hit,” he added with dismay.

Hokuto could only smile bitterly. Deep inside, he was starting to realize the potential of the journal.

“By the way, how can you tell the owner is a guy?” Jesse asked.

“Well, he mentioned a girlfriend.”

“Nowadays, it's not just men who can have girl-”

“Okay. Well, his handwriting? The choice of the journal design and it just screams to me that the owner is a guy,” he said, shrugging.

“Uhm, okay. Anyway, even out of curiosity, are you not interested in knowing the identity of the original owner?”

Hokuto looked back to all the times he dined at the restaurants mentioned. He would always bring out the journal, place it on his right side of the table, and hoped that someone would recognize it. He would even casually look around while he ate, hoping to catch someone staring at the journal, but there had been none. 

“No," Hokuto lied, “I'm not interested at all.”

***

Heavy steps accompanied Hokuto as he returned to his apartment. He knew he did the right thing, but he couldn't shake off this nagging feeling that he passed on what could have been a great deal. 

His doorbell rang as soon as he finished changing to his loungewear, he opened it immediately and was surprised to see Taiga.

“I hope you're hungry because I'm famished. Dinner!” He raised two brown paper bags and Hokuto was so dumbstruck that Taiga had made his way in before he could invite him. 

“This should have been breakfast, or brunch since I woke up at 10. But you weren't home, which is, of course, it's Monday so you might be at work?” Taiga mused while he took out the contents of the bag. 

“Ah yeah, I have to be at work because of a meeting, but some of us are still working from home.” 

Taiga nodded and gestured to the food. “It's fine though since I ended up having a lunch meeting. Anyway, I hope this is enough.”

“This is more than enough. It's a buffet,” Hokuto gasped and gawked at the spread. Taiga bought a boat of sushi, yakisoba, tonkatsu, karaage, tempura, and a variety of Chinese dumplings. “This is enough until next dinner.”

“Really?” Taiga looked at him with mild surprise. “You're a small eater then.” He passed the chopsticks and together they sat down and said their grace.

“You really didn’t have to do this. I was the one who intruded in your apartment by carelessly drinking,” said Hokuto, still in awe of the feast in front of him.

“It’s no big deal,” Taiga said as he started with the plate of sushi, “just think of this that I’m looking for an excuse to binge-eat.” 

“Well, if you put it like that, may I invite you to binge-eat next time?” 

“Sure!” Taiga mumbled, his cheeks resembling that of a hamster from stuffing himself with slices of tonkatsu, bites of karaage, and dumplings. 

Hokuto grinned. “Okay! Then, I shall help myself.” 

They ate in silence for a while, mostly interrupted by commentaries like “this is good” or “try this one!”, and after they satisfied their cravings, Hokuto brewed some tea. Another round of silence followed while they sip their tea. Hokuto liked the silence between them rather than forcing a conversation. It was comfortable and natural. 

“I won't be able to see the moon in my living room,” Taiga said with a sigh while he stared outside. Hokuto followed his gaze, the moon looks smaller than usual, and a part of it is enshrouded in darkness.

“Why?” 

“They placed an acoustical partition by the balcony door for the noise reduction. Well, it is portable but it’ll be such a hassle to fold it back when I’m not using it.”

“Ahhh.” Hokuto didn’t know what else to say. 

“The moon tonight is in the Waning Gibbous phase,” Taiga said softly. 

“Ahhh,” Hokuto repeated, but more of fascination this time. He barely had an idea about moon phases and the moon tonight is something he would describe as plainly as “more than half”.

Taiga turned to him, his eyes seemed ecstatic to tell a story. “Once, I had a roommate who’s very interested in astrology. Looking at the moon had been his habit and he would give me personal readings. Waning Gibbous is a time for reflection and purging. Let go of things, people, and old habits that no longer served you. It’s time to embrace change.” 

“Oh…I see.” Hokuto’s thoughts returned to the journal. Should he let go of it and embrace change by publishing it? He looked back at Taiga who had just refilled both of their cups. “Uhm, may I ask you a question?” 

“Go on.” 

“Uhm, for example, you found a diary or a journal. There’s no name whatsoever. You think it's good material, would you dare to publish it?” 

“Hmmm…” Taiga stretched his arms overhead as though it would help him think clearly. “I remember I used to own a journal.”

“You did?”

Taiga nodded. “Yeah, but I lost it on the day I arrived back in Vienna. I got mugged.” 

Hokuto gasped in horror.

“I was fine,” Taiga assured him, “they only took my backpack while I was in an outdoor cafe. It’s a good thing my wallet is in my pocket so I still have some IDs, but my passport and other important documents were in that bag, including my journal.” He looked weary while he continued, “worst of all, Vienna went into lockdown after two days, it was hard to make an appointment with the embassy and all.”

“Lockdown? Is this back in 2020?” 

Taiga nodded. “Yeah, it was quite a turbulent year.”

Hokuto nodded glumly, recalling his own 2020. 

“Anyway, about what you asked. I’ll still need consent,” Taiga said firmly. “It doesn’t matter what the contents of the journal are, it is private. If you have time to publish it, maybe you also have time to look for the owner? Frankly, if it were the journal that I lost, I’d be mortified if I see it published. I’m quite thankful I lost mine in Vienna, like what are the chances it’ll be picked up by someone who knows Japanese?” 

“Right. Speaking of Japanese, are there many Japanese in Vienna? Like in your own field?” And who also kept a journal , he wanted to add.

“Not that many. Back in college, only a handful, and in the chamber and orchestra, we’re only two.” 

“I see,” Hokuto sighed. After all, what are the chances that the owner of the journal is someone Taiga knew about? 

They talked more after that. Taiga asked questions about how they choose the books they published, while Hokuto asked him about his working life in Vienna. Until Taiga had to say goodnight so he could test out his new soundproof living room. Hokuto’s balcony doors remained open until he went to bed, and sadly, he didn’t hear a thing from the cello of his neighbor. 

“Happy Birthday Hokuto, Happy Birthday-”

“Thank you,” Hokuto cuts across Jesse as he checks the time. It was 7 in the morning. 

“Quite touchy, aren’t we?” Jesse quipped on the other line. 

Hokuto roughly scratched his head. He had a hard time falling asleep last night. It was probably around 3 in the morning when he was able to dozed off. He kept thinking about Taiga’s suggestion of looking for the journal’s owner first if he wanted to publish it. However, the fact that the journal’s owner didn’t sign his name, it could only mean that he doesn’t want to be found. 

“Err, sorry, I had a hard time falling asleep last night.” He forced himself to sit up, he should be starting work now. 

“So, where are we eating tonight?” 

Hokuto’s sleepiness was gone in an instant. He had forgotten to make a reservation. The three of them have birthdays in June; Jesse on 11th, Juri on 15th, and him on 18th. It became their tradition since the New World’s infancy to have dinner on Hokuto’s birthday. Simply because he is single, his family is in Shizuoka, and he has no one to celebrate it with. Hokuto sighed, his mid-20s looking dire. 

“Uhm, it’s a surprise,” he replied while quickly launching Google on his laptop, typing, “ restaurants that don't need reservations”.

“Surprise? Are you sure it’s not from the journal?” 

Hokuto paused and shook his head. He always skimmed ahead of the journal just to take notes of the restaurants that would be needing reservations. However, he made June 18th as an exemption. He would eat where he wanted to eat. 

“Nah, I have other plans for today,” he said, checking out the reviews for restaurants that don't need a reservation. “It is, after all, my birthday.” 

“If you say so, I’ll see you tonight.” 

“Yep, see you later!” 

He concentrated on reading reviews for the next hour until he settled on an unaju restaurant. Although they accept walk-in customers, Hokuto knows he has to line up as early as 4 in the afternoon.

Instead of starting work, he checked his phone and thanked everyone who sent him birthday wishes. He sighed once he finished typing his thanks. Hokuto didn’t want to sound ungrateful, but he wanted to think that because he is getting older, he is at that point of his life when celebrating his birthday had become normal. Somehow, it didn't seem that special anymore. June 18th is just another day, with the only difference being that he turned a year older.

He opened his phone as it buzzed, a message from Juri who seemed to have heard Hokuto’s inner thoughts. He smirked as he read, “ It’s been three years, aren’t you tired of eating dinner with three guys on your birthday? Go find someone to love and have birthday sex. Happy Birthday! ”

***

“You didn’t tell us we’re taping Manpuku Derby, ” Juri said, his face contorted with horror when their order of large unaju arrived. Served to them was a jubako filled with steamed rice and topped with 6 pieces of broiled eel dipped in a special sauce. All of which weighed 1.4 kg.

“Oh, we also have soup,” Juri added.

“Eel liver soup,” Hokuto said, inhaling the unique smell of innards. “Work has been stressful so we deserved this treat,” he added. 

“I can’t finish this,” Juri complained.

“Don’t worry,” said Jesse and Shintaro together.

“Just eat what you can, we’ll finish the rest,” said Shintaro, who had eaten about 25% of his unaju. 

They ate in silence for a while, a feat which they could only do if they were busy filling their stomachs. Even Juri seemed engrossed with his meal, the chances that he could finish at least half of it is high. 

Jesse was the first to finish his meal. “Now I feel sleepy.” He yawned while he drank his tea. “By the way, err, I came across a really, really lovely poem-”

“No!” Hokuto bellowed together with Juri and Shintaro.

“I thought we’re taking a break from publishing poems because they never make a profit?” Hokuto said. 

“Yeah!” Shintaro agreed, “You said that we should only focus on books that sell.” 

“Besides, poems?” said Juri, looking irritated just by saying the word, “People no longer read poems. All they want are motivational quotes and memes.” 

Jesse sighed. “But it was a really good poem-” 

“No!” The three of them repeated which made Jesse sulk. 

“You guys have no sense of a-art!” Jesse said, casting a surly look at the three of them. But his peevish attitude was cut short when the ice cream arrived and together with it, Hokuto’s Berry Berry cake topped with giant candles bearing his age, 27. 

Soon, their private room became filled with boisterous singing of “Happy Birthday”, and before the cake got more candle wax droppings, they finally finished with their song and asked him to make a wish. 

Hokuto closed his eyes, he knew what he wanted to wish. He wanted a Juhan Shuttai. But the moment his lips opened, it changed. 

“I want to meet the journal’s owner.”

***

Hokuto rang Taiga’s doorbell thrice until he finally concluded that he is still not home. He glanced at his watch, it was already 30 minutes past 9 in the evening. He returned to his apartment, dejected with the slice of cake he was planning to give to Taiga.

He went to his desk and opened his email, relieved to see one of the authors who sent him a query had replied together with his requested full manuscript. Hokuto usually just asked writers to send him a query along with the first 3 chapters of their manuscript, and if he asked for more chapters, it was usually a good sign for the writer. Hokuto pressed “print” and as the machine roared to life, he opened the journal so he could plot the next restaurant he had to go to in the next 5 days. 

His eyes sped from left to right when he read a familiar name of a restaurant, Yakiniku Nakahara . He double-checked the date of the entry, 2019 June 18. His birthday. 

His heart beat with excitement as he opened his phone’s gallery, unearthing his 2019 birthday photos, and his heart could only sink when all the selfies he had taken had the window as the background and not the counter seats. 

But he has yet to give up. He sent a message to their GC, asking them to send all the photos they had taken from his birthday in 2019. His request, as expected, was met with complaints and questions. Jesse and Shintaro said that they had too many pictures in their gallery, while Juri said that he wanted to start anew so he didn’t copy his old phone contents when he upgraded. Despite their earlier reluctance, however, Hokuto’s phone started to buzz after a while as pictures started pouring in. 

Juri said he still has copies from his cloud and to Hokuto’s disappointment, Juri was more interested in the female assistant cooking their beef than to take their pictures. Meanwhile, Shintaro has more pictures of the different cuts of beef than their group pictures, and because Hokuto and he were seated on the same side, their backgrounds were the same. Sighing, Jesse is Hokuto’s last hope. As Hokuto filtered a ton of Jesse’s selfies and shots of them, he finally found one. 

A sigh of relief escaped his lips while he stared at one of Jesse’s selfies with the three of them. They were all grinning and the space between Hokuto and Shintaro was clear enough that he could make out 6 people seated by the counter seat. Five of them looked like men from behind, while the other on the far right was definitely female judging from her clothing and hairstyle.  

“He is one of them,” Hokuto murmured, sliding the pictures until to the part where his cake arrived. He zoomed in on the picture. One of the men, the one seated second to the far left, did turn around when the cake arrived. But all Hokuto could see was a head since the assistant was blocking him. 

His phone buzzed again and his heart hammered seeing that Juri sent a video. It was a video of them singing Happy Birthday as the assistant approached with the cake. Hokuto opened his eyes wide, his concentration not even on himself but to the men on the far left of the counter seat. He waited with bated breath as the man turned for a glance, Hokuto could see as much as a side profile, but Juri remembered that Hokuto was the birthday celebrant and shifted the focus from the assistant and back to him. 

Feeling suddenly weary, he plopped down on his chair, he wasn’t even aware he had been standing from anticipation. His gaze fixed on his ceiling, trying to will his mind back to 2019 at Yakiniku Nakahara, but he was too absorbed with the beef to check the faces of other customers. 

He returned to the paused video, took a screenshot, and tried his best to zoom in. But it was too blurry as Juri had changed the focus. Still, who would have thought that the owner of the journal and he had crossed paths 3 years ago? He is celebrating his birthday while he is comforting himself with food. 

He is real. Hokuto noted with a smile. The journal’s owner does exist.  

His mulling got interrupted when he heard the sound that he always associated with Taiga. The sound wasn’t faint at all, it was as clear as the cloudless night, and as the melody became familiar and louder, he ran out of his balcony. 

“Why are you playing outside?” Hokuto asked in a hoarse whisper. “It’s past 10 already,” he added in panic while repeatedly glancing at the balcony of Taiga’s grumpy neighbor. 

But Taiga didn’t stop, he simply smiled at him while he played “Happy Birthday” in three different tempos until they heard a harsh sliding of a balcony door. They stared at each other in alarm, and in a flash, Taiga scuttled back to his apartment and Hokuto did the same. 

Hokuto placed a hand on his chest, his heart racing wildly more than ever, and he could feel his cheeks and ears were hot as well. He had no idea how Taiga knew it was his birthday, but one thing is for sure, this birthday is different. It wasn’t normal, it wasn't just another day of turning a year older.

This birthday became special. 

2019 June 20,

 

Had a banana, I needed serotonin. 

Hokuto realized he chose the wrong place for this blind date. He couldn't enjoy the full-course meal when his date would only take a bite or two of each dish. Worst, she just said she felt full already when they were only on their 4th plate. He looked embarrassingly toward Nakahara-san, who didn't seem to mind the slightest, but he still made it a point to also eat her share so the food wouldn't be a waste.

“I think you need to eat that much for stamina,” she said, her voice dripping with malice while he ate his gyudon .

Hokuto cursed under his breath. He is going to kill Juri. Juri had been pestering him to agree to a blind date, and he only agreed on the condition that his date has to be someone with a huge appetite. Unfortunately, if not deliberately, Juri interpreted “huge appetite” for something else entirely. 

“Yeah, I’ll be sleeping late reading manuscripts,” he said and she giggled as though it was the funniest thing she heard while she playfully patted his thigh.

When they reached dessert, a pistachio ice cream, Hokuto’s discomfort grew beyond weary, he wished the floor would swallow him whole. Insensitive to his unease, his date even commented that she hoped the ice cream was on cones so she could show her special set of skills before she popped the question that Hokuto had been dreading. 

“So, to your apartment?”

“Uhm, mine's being…soundproof. So it's very messy.”

Her forehead creased. “Soundproof? Whatever for?” 

“Oh, well, I want silence. You know, I prefer solitude,” he said, hoping she would get the hint.

“Mmmm, okay. I'll tell my roommate to sleep somewhere so you can-”

“Uhm, no. I don't think that's a good idea,” Hokuto cuts across her. Being subtle didn't work, he might as well be direct. However, she proved to be quite thick. 

“Hotel, then? I know one with a huge bathtub-”

“No,” he said through gritted teeth, “I’m not interested in whatever you’re planning tonight.” 

The lines on her forehead grew deeper. “Why?” She asked, utterly perplexed. 

Hokuto hesitated. She actually had a point. Why can’t he just enjoy tonight? She is willing and it’s not like she’s asking him to marry her or date her exclusively. It would be nothing but a one-night stand. 

“Eh, Kyomoto Taiga?” 

He turned behind him upon hearing the name and saw two ladies at the end of the long table. Both of them giggled, their cheeks flush while looking at their phone. “We should watch this Autumn Sonata,” one of them says. 

An impatient clearing of the throat brought Hokuto back to the present. He returned his attention to his now fuming date. 

“For a split-second, I almost agreed,” he said quietly. “But I remember a promise I made to myself before, I will never treat relationships like a play. It’s something-”

“I understand,” she said, sighing and rolling her eyes. “Juri told me about your ex.”

“Ahhh.” Hokuto would really kill Juri. How dare he talk about his past with a stranger? “It was a lesson I needed to learn,” he murmured before he finished his already melted pistachio ice cream. 

***

Hokuto’s main reason for eating at Yakiniku Nakahara had been a failure. They refused to share any details on who made reservations back on June 18, 2019, while his date left him without so much of a goodbye. Well, he couldn’t blame her. 

He arrived at his apartment, full but not really satisfied. He felt bad that he didn’t fully appreciate the beef cuts this time around. He was just inserting his key when Taiga’s door opened. He was about to call for him, but a different Kyomoto emerged. 

“I’ll appreciate it if you’ll refrain from doing any surprise visit,” Taiga said in a deathly calm voice. He didn’t spare Hokuto a glance and closed his door with a loud thud. 

Hokuto tried to look elsewhere while tension lingered in the air. Masaki-san just stood there, his jaw set, and he looked surprised when he saw Hokuto. 

Hokuto made a respectful nod. “Good evening.” 

“Good evening, Hokuto-kun, you live here?” 

Hokuto pointed at his door. “Yes, here.” 

Masaki-san nodded but Hokuto could see that he had other things on his mind. “Well, I’d better get going now,” he said, his eyes tarried on Taiga’s door. 

“Have a safe trip,” Hokuto said, his gaze following Masaki-san until he disappeared in the elevator. He sighed and gazed at Taiga’s door, noting that he wasn’t the only one who had a bad evening. 

***

…banana didn't work, now eating tofu.

It was half-past 10 when Hokuto decided to throw his trash, and when he saw Taiga by the elevator with an unmistakable trash bag in his hand. Hokuto decided to dawdle by his door and chose to use the stairs after Taiga had gotten in. He wasn’t avoiding Taiga, but he was trying to avoid awkwardness. Taiga had this air around him that he didn’t want to be bothered. Hokuto knew their paths would surely cross on Taiga’s way back from the garbage collection, but he was wrong. After leaving his bag of trash, Taiga walked away, hands in his pockets, and off to the street. 

Where could he be going at this hour? 

Hokuto shook his head as the temptation to follow rose. He has manuscripts to read, and Taiga is an adult, who could take care of himself. Heck, he even lived abroad! Hokuto repeated this over and over until he stopped at a yokocho. He bit his lower lip as he followed Taiga until he entered a yakitori shop. 

Hokuto wondered if Taiga really had no idea that he had been following him. He even sat beside him as it was the only vacant seat. Taiga didn’t spare him any glance as he ordered bonjiri , torinegi , and a bottle of beer. Hokuto ordered the same, before glancing beside Taiga, who has been tapping his fingers by the counter while his other hand is clenched into a fist. Before he could stop himself, Hokuto placed his hand on Taiga's clenched fist. He turned, tipping his baseball cap up, his eyes round with surprise. 

“Your hand is close to turning purple,” Hokuto said, unclenching Taiga's long fingers one by one, they were clammy and slightly trembling. 

“I - I didn't notice,” Taiga murmured, his eyes on his now stretched hand as Hokuto abruptly withdrew his hand from his. “When did you get here?” Taiga asked.

“Uhm, err, I was just passing by when I saw you enter this alley. I - I was on my way back from buying cat food.” Hokuto cursed inwardly. He got his excuse from a scene on the manuscript he had been reading. In reality, the fuck he would be needing cat food? He also hoped Taiga wouldn't look down or he would see that he was still wearing his indoor slippers. 

Scowling, Taiga asked, “Cat food? You have a cat?”

“But they were out of stock,” he added quickly, “and I don't have a cat, I just like to feed s-stray cats.” 

“I see,” Taiga said, his tone bored, as their order arrived. “By the way, the cake you gave me yesterday was delicious,” he added, removing his face mask. 

“I’m glad you liked it.” Hokuto learned that Jesse and Kouchi met after his birthday celebration and Kouchi told Taiga about it. 

Taiga began eating his chicken tail while Hokuto stared at his food, he realized he was still full and just drank his beer instead. 

“You must think I’m an unfilial son,” Taiga said after a while, his eyes fixed on a pair of bare sticks on his plate. 

“I’m not thinking about anything,” replied Hokuto while drinking his beer. “Besides, I think it's rare for any child not to have misunderstandings with their parents.”  

“Do you have one of your own?” He asked while he gazed at Hokuto’s untouched yakitori. 

Hokuto nodded curtly. “I did. You can have this, I’m still full.” He pushed his plate toward Taiga. 

“Are you sure?” 

He nodded and Taiga grabbed it immediately. 

“You did? So that means you’ve patched things up?” He asked after he wolfed down the chicken.

“I guess you could say that. I’m pretty sure my parents still have their misgivings but they are willing to compromise.”

“You’re lucky then,” said Taiga, a hint of envy in his voice, “because mine still think they were right after all these years.”

Hokuto kept quiet, he didn’t know what to say. He and Taiga were basically talking about a thing about their past without actually revealing what those were. It was like putting the puzzle pieces together without knowing what they should look like. All he could do is assume, and making assumptions could sometimes be dangerous. 

Changing the topic, he asked, “by the way, have you started rehearsals for the Autumn Sonata?” 

If Hokuto thought that the pensive mood would turn brighter, he couldn’t have been more wrong.  

“Oh, that.” Taiga sighed heavily. “I’m afraid Maestro and I haven’t reached an agreement on the piece he wanted me to play.” 

“Ahhh..” Hokuto bit his lip, he should have kept quiet, yet his curiosity persisted. “Is the piece he wanted you to play hard?” 

“Well, it’s not a question of difficulty, but…” Taiga stalled. He turned and stared directly at Hokuto’s eyes, the warm light casting a soft glow on his left eye. And under this light, Hokuto thought Taiga's eyes were beautiful. They looked like they were drawn by the hand of a gifted mangaka ; from his long eyelashes to the lateral flare of his eyelids, and to his profound eyes. 

“...but whether or not I could give justice to this piece.” 

Hokuto frowned. “I’ve only heard you play a few times and I think you can give justice to any piece.” 

Taiga shook his head. “Not this one,” he finished his beer before continuing, his tone bleak, “this piece destroyed me.” 

Hokuto gulped. The humidity inside the shop drops, giving Hokuto goosebumps. He finished his own beer while silence stretched between them. The type of silence where one realized that they had shown their vulnerability to a stranger.

“I think we should start walking home,” Hokuto said after a while. The crowd inside the shop has thinned. 

Taiga simply nodded, they paid and walked in silence out of the alleyway and into the main street. 

“Eh, Matsumura-san?” 

Hokuto turned and of all people, he had to meet his earlier failed date again. She had her arm over some bloke with purple hair and a heavy set of gold chains around his neck. Hokuto had to hand it to her, she moved fast. 

Her eyes traveled between him and Taiga as comprehension dawned on her. This time around, Hokuto clenched his fist. 

“I was a bit miffed earlier, but now I understand…your preference remains with them.” She shot a knowing look toward Taiga before she moved on. 

“What was that all about?” asked Taiga, his forehead furrowed. 

Hokuto took a deep breath as they started walking slowly toward home. “I was on a date earlier with her.”

“Hmmm…seeing she's with someone else, I guess she’s not your type.” 

Hokuto shook his head. “Nah, I think I still prefer men.” 

Taiga’s steps faltered, and he turned to Hokuto with a questioning gaze.

“I’m gay.”

…nothing worked, even Red Bull.

Same energy...

2019 June 21,

 

If Luna Lovegood can insist that a Crumple-Horned Snorkack exists, then, I can also insist that everything in my life right now is not real. I’m in my own “The Truman Show”, this is just part of the script and it will pass. 

“You're quite slow, Juri. You haven't reached a hundred, and you've been doing that for 2 hours. You have to finish 350 today,” Hokuto said superciliously.

“I'm doing my best,” said Juri, placing a finished paperback on top of the others with a snap. He had to put a sticker with correction on top of a typo error on the author's bio.

“Do I detect anger?” Asked Hokuto, his tone challenging.

“Of course not,” Juri said sweetly, his smile wide, “I'm merely explaining my circumstance.”

“You have to finish that by lunch,” Hokuto said, “those have to be displayed by tonight for tomorrow.”

“Yes, sir,” Juri replied, smiling with what looked like an extreme effort.

Hokuto merely raised an eyebrow and returned to his manuscript reading. He made an exemption today and worked at the office so he could torture Juri and his big mouth. 

“Hokuto,” Jesse called as he came gliding out of his office, "I've been courting this author for a year and he finally agreed on a meeting. Do you want to go with me?"

“No,” Hokuto said firmly, “I have to make sure that Juri won't pass this task to interns or to his assistant.” 

Juri sighed. “Hokuto, I've already apologized and I’ll apologize a million times. Can you please forgive me?" He walked toward Hokuto and kneel. “I swear! I didn't tell her anything about your past other than you've dated both sexes before. That's all she knows.”

Hokuto uncrosses his legs. “Fine, I'll forgive you,” he said in a dignified manner, “but on one condition.”

Juri beamed. “Anything you want!” 

“I want a takoyaki .”

“Takoyaki? I'll buy you a dozen.”

“Okay.” Hokuto's lips curled as he stood up. “But it has to be from Osaka.”

Juri’s jaw dropped. 

“I'll see you later. If you take the shinkansen , you'll be back before you end your shift. Let's go, Jess.” He grabbed his stuff and walked ahead of Jesse. He wasn't that far when he heard Jesse tell Juri, “add a negiyaki , will you? I'll pay you later.”

***

“So Mr. Journal is into takoyaki, huh?” Jesse quipped the moment the author they met had left. The said meeting had been a waste of time as far as Hokuto could tell. The author was obviously fishing on who would pay him the highest in royalties before he signed up. However, Jesse remained hopeful. 

“Nah,” said Hokuto as he started twirling his pasta vongole, “the journal’s writer hasn’t written about food for two days.”

“Huh, why?” 

Hokuto shrugged. “I don’t know. I could only guess from the mood of his last food-related entry that something bad happened.” 

Jesse sighed. “I really want to know who wrote that journal. He seemed to have lived quite a colorful life. Anyway, why have you been cranky since this morning?” 

“I’m not….well, I’m really pissed with Juri,” he said, hoping he looked and sounded outraged enough.

“Mmmm, I get that you are pissed with Juri, but I sensed something else.” He stared at Hokuto, mischief in his eyes as his face drew closer. “Something happened to that date of yours that even forced you to go to the office today. What happened, Hokuto? What? What?”

“Fine!” Hokuto snapped. He knew full well how persistent Jesse could be. “It wasn’t the date. Well, it was part of it.” He sighed and told Jesse his coming-out story to Taiga. 

When he was done, Jesse looked like he swallowed something bad, and before Hokuto could ask what was wrong with him, his lips twisted to a smile before he guffawed.

“Nice to see you find it so funny,” Hokuto said, glaring. 

“I’m…so…sorry…,” said Jesse in between laughing and panting as he tried his best to modulate his usual maniacal laugh. “You weren’t even that direct to us back then and you just spit it out to Taiga, out of nowhere?” 

Hokuto scoffed. He had lost his appetite after recalling how insane he was for saying, “I’m gay”, out of the blue. He covered his eyes with his hands. What the fuck was he thinking last night? Was it the alcohol? Was it the melancholy that persisted between him and Taiga that made him blurt it out?

“And how did Taiga react?” Jesse asked, still grinning. 

“He said, ‘oh, okay’, and I was so embarrassed so I told him to go ahead and I’ll check back at the shop if they already have cat food.” 

“Cat food?” He said, chortling. “Whatever for?” 

“Don’t ask me. I didn't know myself last night.” He massaged his temples as though simply thinking about last night gave him a migraine. “I’m sure he’ll avoid me from now on.” 

“You can’t blame him for his reaction, I’m sure he was just surprised,” said Jesse, placing an arm around him. 

“I’m not talking about his reaction. You know how it is. Like, only the three of you stayed with me,” he said with gratitude more than sadness.   

Jesse drew him closer. “Are you going to be sad if Taiga avoids you?” 

“Well,” Hokuto hesitated. Saying yes would mean that he cared, and saying no meant that he was being dramatic for nothing.

“...it’s not like I’ve known him for so long. So, I think even if he starts ignoring me, it won’t make much of an impact in my life.” 

“Absolutely right,” Jesse agreed. “Let’s just treat what you told him as a way to weed-out unnecessary people in your life.” 

Hokuto smiled. He hoped that he really didn’t care. He hoped he was also in his own “The Truman Show”, everything was scripted, and it could be remedied.

***

“About last night, uhm, it was a joke. Haha. Got you!” Hokuto’s smile froze, he is the joke. He proceeded to brush his teeth vigorously. It was done. He had no path to redemption. He would never be able to weasel his way out of his stupidity last night. He stepped out to the sweltering heat on his balcony and he almost swallowed his toothbrush. 

“Oh…hello,” Taiga said, his tone recovering from shock. Taiga definitely didn't expect to see him, as much as Hokuto does. 

Taiga avoided meeting Hokuto's gaze while he, half-nakedly, pumped 3 kgs of vinyl dumbbell in each hand. His fair skin glowed while beads of sweat shimmered like satin as he carefully made pumps. Taiga wasn’t muscular, but he wasn’t flabby either, yet his arms and abdomen had this mochi quality that needed to be pinched, if not, bitten.     

Hokuto swallowed hard, tasting the peppermint from his toothpaste. He shifted his attention to the fact that he was only wearing a worn-out white shirt and a damp towel around his torso. “Excuse me,” he mumbled as he sped back to his bathroom to gargle. He would never mindlessly brush his teeth over at the balcony again.

He tiptoed back to his balcony, unsure why he was doing it. He took a peek and saw his neighbor’s balcony empty. Of course, it would be empty, Taiga must have thought that he would ogle at him or something. Sighing, he went to his room and dressed for the night. 

***

By the next day, Hokuto was convinced Taiga had been avoiding him. First was at the elevator where Taiga chose to use the stairs, albeit his huge and heavy-looking cello case, instead of getting into the roomy elevator with him. Second, Taiga left the plate Hokuto used for the cake in a paper bag and hung it on his door handle, instead of giving it back personally. Third, there was a meeting at their apartment block and upon seeing him at the back, he sat in the front seat.

“And yesterday, he was obviously trying to flag the taxi. I told him we could share since he's obviously in a hurry as well. But he told me that his destination is opposite of mine so it's not wise,” he said with a sneer, “as if he knows where I work.”

Jesse brought the broadsheet down and rolled his eyes at him. “Do you go to work every day just to treat my office as having your own therapy session?”

Hokuto didn't reply and just sulked.

“Frankly, I think you're looking too much into this,” Jesse said before disappearing behind the paper. “I thought you didn't care much,” he said after a while.

Hokuto sighed. He thought so too. 

He sighed once more and decided to change the topic. “The journal had been empty as well, no entries for 22 and 23.” 

This piqued Jesse's interest more than Hokuto's sorrow. 

“Really, why do you think so?”

Hokuto shrugged. Whatever mood the journal's writer had 3 years ago seemed to be replicating in the present. The journal might be empty from the last 2 days, but Hokuto could tell, the writer was surely as crestfallen as he is now.

“I really need to find that journal's owner,” Jesse said with determination, “He's a curiosity.”

“Good luck with that,” said Hokuto, grunting as it took him lots of effort to stand. “I'm going to head back home, I've forgotten to bring the majority of my work.”

“Of course, you forgot, you only went here to complain.”

Hokuto lazily waved his hand.

“And Hokuto?”

Hokuto turned around, wishing a bit of Jesse's sunny disposition would affect him as he smiled at him.

“It'll be fine, okay?”

Hokuto reluctantly nodded and without another word, left the office.

***

2019 June 24,  

Almost a week has passed since that dreadful day, I think I’ve given myself enough time to ignore reality. However, the delay did nothing to soothe my nerves, and with gritted teeth, it’s now time to face those that I feared. 

Hokuto closed the journal and stared despairingly at the scattered leaves on the bottom of his tea. He hoped the journal’s writer had been successful in facing his fears because Hokuto is quite content in avoiding his. He placed the journal back in his bag when he felt a tap on his shoulder, and when he turned, it was the person he never expected to see. The first man he ever fell in love with. 

“So, how are you?” His ex asked after what seemed like an eternity. Hokuto was starting to think he had forgotten he was there. 

“I’m fine,” Hokuto replied, not quite meeting his eye, but he didn’t miss the gleaming silver on his left ring finger. He waited for a stab of pain and regret to come, but to his surprise, there was none. 

“How about you?” He inquired.  

He reluctantly raised his left hand. “I j-just got m-married.” 

Hokuto couldn’t suppress a thin lip smile. “Why are you stuttering? But by the way, congratulations.” 

He smiled shyly. “T-thank you.” 

Hokuto returned to studying his tea leaves with determination, wishing his ex would get up and be on his way. 

“Uhm, Hokuto…” 

Looking up, he said, “yes?”

“I’m…I’m sorry.” 

Hokuto could feel a tightening in his throat. He didn’t deserve an apology. “You are faultless. It was I. I didn’t treasure what we had. Thought of it as trial and error. I failed you.” 

He shook his head. “We were too young. It was bound to fail one way or another.” 

“We were too young, yes, but not too young not to know that every relationship has to be taken seriously.”

Shrugging, he said, “I guess you could say, we were just not meant to be.” 

Hokuto’s mouth curved into a smile. “You could say that now because you’re married. May I know who is the lucky person?” 

“A pianist-” Before he could say more, his phone rang, and in haste, he bid Hokuto goodbye. 

Hokuto watched his ex’s back disappear among the throng of pedestrians hurrying to reach the other end before the light turned red. He placed a hand on his chest, and found that it has never changed, he was still the lesson he has to learn. 

***

“Why are you here?” Taiga asked, his tone that of repressed anger as Hokuto entered the building administrator’s office. Hokuto winced from Taiga’s tone, his assumption that Taiga had been avoiding him had now been cemented. 

“I called for Matsumura-san,” the admin officer said, “he is your neighbor as much as Tonari-san. Please be seated, Matsumura-san.” 

Hokuto nodded while he timidly sat beside Taiga, who was obviously seething in silence. 

“Thank you for being here, Matsumura-san, but there had been complaints by Tonari-san about Kyomoto-san.”

Hokuto nodded, he fairly had an idea why he was called in. 

“I just want to know if you ever heard Kyomoto-san’s playing ever since his living room had been soundproof?” 

He turned to Taiga, but he kept his face straight to the admin officer. 

“N-no, I haven’t heard any music or noise from his side,” Hokuto answered meekly. 

“See?” Taiga said, his voice rising in anger, “that old man is definitely lying! Also, believe it or not, I’ve been practicing less at home ever since we started rehearsing at the hall.” 

“Okay, I understand, Kyomoto-san,” the admin officer said, “I want peace and harmony in this apartment block, so may I make a suggestion?” 

“What suggestion?” 

The admin officer smiled sweetly at Hokuto and he didn’t think he wanted to hear what he would say next.

“Why don’t you and Matsumura-san switch apartments?” He suggested cautiously.

Hokuto gaped speechless while Taiga went batshit. “Why should I adjust for him?” He asked, his voice shaking in anger, “after all the trouble I did to have my apartment soundproof, you want me to move? If that’s the case, why don’t you suggest that I move somewhere else? Perhaps a penthouse with no neighbors?” 

“Now, now, Kyomoto-san, I don’t mean it that way. We love for you to be in our apartment block, but-” 

A knock on the door made the admin officer pause as his secretary spoke. “Phone call, sir. It’s the chief.” 

“Okay, I-I’ll answer it there.” He turned to Hokuto and Taiga and said, “I just have to answer this one,” before he left the room. 

A low roar escaped Taiga’s lips, he crossed his arms and shut his eyes tight as he leaned back on the chair. 

Hokuto clenched his fist. “I guess you would prefer to move, right?” 

Taiga opened his eyes. “What do you mean by that?” He asked with a snap. 

“Seeing that you’ve been avoiding me since I told you about m-me, you now have a good reason to move out for good.” 

“Avoiding you?” He asked incredulously. “I’m not avoiding you, how could you think such a thing?” 

“You ran back to your apartment when I saw you exercising on your balcony.” 

Taiga turned pink as he spoke, “well, you see, I’m not exactly proud of my physique and the only reason I was working out on the balcony is that I don’t want my apartment to smell of dried sweat.”

Hokuto continued, “a-at the elevator, you refused to ride-”

“Because that grouch was behind you, I don’t want to be in the same space as him.”

“During the monthly meeting, you sat in front-” 

“Because I’m almost blind and I’m not wearing my glasses?” 

“...the taxi?” 

“Isn't your workplace opposite to mine? And yes, I know where you work,” Taiga added as though he knew what Hokuto would say next. “Kouchi once fetched Jesse at your office before they dropped me off.” 

Hokuto shut his mouth as he could feel his ears turn red. Jesse is right, he was looking at too much of it.  

Taiga sighed, looking exasperated. “Why do you always assume the worst of me?” 

Hokuto’s eyes widened. He was too busy pitying himself that he made bad assumptions about Taiga again. “I…I…I’m so-”

“No, don’t apologize…seeing how you reacted, I guess, I guess that’s what you experienced before?” 

Hokuto simply nodded, his eyes clouded by tears as words failed him. And when Taiga pulled him close for a hug, he just let his tears flow. 

“I’m sorry you experienced that,” Taiga said quietly as he lightly patted his head, “and I promise, you can be just yourself around me.” 

***

Hokuto blindly reached for his phone while it rang loudly. “Hello,” he murmured, half-asleep and half-annoyed. 

He heard Jesse’s unmistakable spirited voice. “So, have you cleared any misunderstandings with Taiga?” 

His eyes opened in an instant. “How did you know?” He asked with suspicion.

“Because it’s almost 10 and you’re still not in my office for your daily therapy session.” 

“Ahhh…w-well…” He couldn’t help but smile, recalling how Taiga hugged him and how he smelled of sweet sunshower.

“I’m glad you’ve ironed things with him, but I hope you’re not forgetting that we have an 11 am meeting with our investors and you have to be present.”

“Oh, shit! I-I’ll be there!” He ended the call and made a dash to his bathroom for a quick wash. He was just putting on a long sleeve polo shirt when his doorbell rang. In distraction, he went and opened his door. 

“Oh, Kyomoto?” 

Taiga didn’t answer but merely glanced from his head to foot as he could feel something airy down below. He looked down and saw that he was just wearing his briefs before he went behind his door. 

“I was dressing,” he said with a grin, feeling his cheeks turn red. 

“I can see that,” Taiga replied, his tone dry. “I have to leave as well, but I’ve been thinking about this all night so I have to say it now.” 

“Okay, what is this about?”

“Well, seeing that you always thought the worst of me-”

“I’m really sorry about that-”

“-it’s okay, don’t cut me,” Taiga said crossly. “Anyway, I normally don’t care what people think about me. I've passed that phase where I want to please people. I really shouldn’t care what you think at all, but seeing that you were able to piss me off, I guess I care enough about what you think of me.” 

Hokuto didn’t think it was possible not to blink his eyes, but he seemed able to do that since he had no idea how to react to Taiga’s speech. 

Hokuto remained silent as Taiga plowed on. “So to prevent future misunderstandings, I suggest that we should get to know each other.” 

This time, Hokuto blinked. His mind started making assumptions, again. “What do you mean?” 

“Let’s get to know each other…as friends,” Taiga added. 

Hokuto nodded, trying not to look too happy. “Of course, as friends.” 

… and when you faced your fears, you realized that it was nothing but an illusion. 

2019 June 27 ,

 

I wished yatai were as popular in Tokyo as it is in Hakata. There was something relaxing in watching the owner set-up his cart as the sun started to set and continue to cook his delicacies until post-midnight hours. It is monotonous but doesn’t seem boring. It even looks fulfilling. I sat in a yatai that made Okinawan dishes, and even though I hated bitter gourd, I ordered goya champuru. It is, as expected, bitter. But I ate it anyway until the last slice. I could even say it’s delicious. I wished I could say the same with my life, I wished I could just swallow all the bitter and hard-to-swallow pill, and be able to say, it is delicious. 

 

Going out with Taiga had proved to be hard. Hokuto shook his head and quickly corrected himself. He is not “going out” with Taiga per se, he is going out with him as a friend. Period. Thus, he shouldn’t be disappointed that Taiga had been so busy in the past few days that they rarely saw one another. Based on what he read from the news, the celebrated Maestro wanted to allot a day from the Autumn Sonata and conduct a “People’s Orchestra”, where all amateurs of all ages are open to participating. Taiga, who sometimes acted as the Maestro’s interpreter, joined him for auditions across Japan. Thus, his next-door had been very quiet.

Taiga did give him his number, but Hokuto spent his days typing and erasing his messages, he just couldn’t send any of them. He is scared. But as the weekend approached, an entry from the journal seemed to have given him a sign. 

More customers arrived at the yatai and it seemed rude if he took out the journal in such a cramped space. Besides, he is in Hakata. The journal’s owner is definitely a Tokyoite, how likely is it that he would be at the same place after three years? He just placed the journal back in his bag when his phone rang, grinning, he answered his phone with masked calmness. 

“Hello, K-kyomoto?”

“Matsumura, I can’t seem to find the yatai you are in-”

Hokuto lifted the noren behind him and searched for Taiga. It didn’t take him long to see Taiga’s since his blond hair shone like a spotlight. He waved at him. 

“This is so wild. Imagine you have a business here in Hakata,” Taiga said eagerly as he took his seat. 

“Y-yeah, wild,” Hokuto replied and handed him the menu. “This place is known for their goya champuru-”

“And I’m not having that, I want something I like because I’m so tired. Hmmm, I’m having shoyu ramen and a beer instead. How about you?” 

Hokuto also didn’t like bitter gourd, but he was torn between following the journal and having the same as Taiga’s. He took a deep breath, before proclaiming, “I’ll be having shoyu ramen and goya champuru.” 

“Ooh,” he gushed, impressed, “work must be really tough these days, huh?” 

Hokuto barely nodded. “It is.” 

“I asked Maestro to come with me here but he preferred the lounge bar at the hotel, he said the pianist has some raw talent.” 

“Are you still not done with auditions?” 

Taiga shook his head. “Far from it. Maestro is quite a perfectionist, he requested for amateurs but demanded qualities at par with professionals. I mean, he should understand that most of these amateurs have full-time jobs, he shouldn’t expect them to leave their jobs for a one-time performance.” He drank his beer and sighed in relief. “How about you? Which author are you courting that you traveled all the way here?” 

You. Hokuto gave himself a mental slap. “Err…remember I asked you about a journal?” 

“Oh, yeah. Have you found the owner?” 

“Nope, but I’m trying to trace his whereabouts,” he said, at least, he wasn’t exactly lying. 

“Is he from Hakata then?” asked Taiga as he passed him chopsticks. 

Hokuto thanked him and said their grace. “I don’t think so, but he’d definitely been here.” He looked wistfully around the yatai, the time hasn’t been kind to the place, but despite the blackened and faded wood and the worn-out cutlery and utensils, a sense of nostalgia rose in him. Longing for a place he’d never been. 

“I hope you track the owner,” Taiga said after a while. “The journal must be really interesting if you're intent on knowing who owned it.” 

“The journal is interesting,” Hokuto agreed, “but what’s more interesting is the journal’s writer. He…seemed very honest. Upfront, but also innocent. He seemed to be at the crossroad of his life where he was sure, but also not very sure. He also seemed…” he paused and gazed at Taiga, who stared at him with bemusement.

“Uhm, am I boring you?” 

Taiga immediately shook his head. “Oh no, you just look so cute talking about something, or someone, you really like.”

He felt his ears hot from being called cute, before he hurriedly added, “but I don’t like him. I mean, I like him, but not that like-like.”

“I understand,” Taiga nodded and Hokuto could tell he was just appeasing him. “By the way, what sort of music do you like?” 

“Uhm, don’t judge me.” Taiga smiled sheepishly at him while he continued, “I like jpop, especially idols. I also like vocaloid.”

“Interesting,” Taiga said, still looking amused.

“You’re teasing me.”

“Of course not. It’s just that, who would have thought that the guy who made me read a literary fiction like Tears, is also the same guy who likes idols?”

Hokuto smiled. “I think I look at books and music differently, one feeds the soul while the other lightens up the soul. Am I making sense?” 

“I think I quite understand. How about…jazz? Do you like jazz?” 

Hokuto thought about it. “Well…I can’t say I like it, or I dislike it? Hmmm, but it definitely makes me sleepy.” He thought he was being funny until he saw the deflated look on Taiga. He probably shouldn’t have added the last part. 

“I see. I guess it’s not your cup of tea.”

Hokuto screamed inwardly, he’s not too sure but he definitely said or did something that made Taiga look so disappointed. 

“Uhm…I-I told you before that I’m not really into classical music, but who knows, maybe I’ll grow to like jazz as well.” 

Taiga simply shrugged. “Maybe you will.” 

Hokuto repressed a sigh as he made a mental note that moving forward if Taiga asked about music, he should answer favorably. His phone buzzed and he couldn’t believe it was 8 already. 

“Uhm, I need to get back to the station to catch the last train to Tokyo.”

Taiga looked surprised. “Oh, you’re going back tonight? Do you still have work tomorrow?” 

“Well, not really-”

“Then, stay here for tonight, you could stay in my room.”

“What?” He wanted to scream while he tried to arrange his face so he wouldn't look too pleased. “I…I don’t want to impose.” 

“Oh, please, you’re not imposing at all. Ah, but there’s only 1 bed-” 

"One bed?!" Hokuto had to pinch his thigh so he would keep his face passive.

“...but it’s wide enough for two, or even four actually. So, will you stay here?” Taiga asked, his eyes seemed to be hypnotizing him. 

“Well…I…I haven’t been in Hakata for a long time so I guess, I’ll stay for the night.” 

“Cool!” Taiga said, beaming. “You should roll up your sleeves, you’re sweating a lot.”

“Ah, yeah, climate change, you know.”

…no one asked but why am I in Hakata? Well, I need a breather. This is my reward after facing my fears. But there is one thing I’m sort of still bitter about. Remember my cheating ex? I shouldn’t be surprised by her morals, but please, a bit of work ethics should be in order. How could she even think of being an accompaniment to a guy I consider a rival? 

***

Hokuto took a deep breath as he felt his windpipe crushed from the weight of an arm that draped across his chest.

“Oh, sorry about that,” Taiga whispered, quickly removing the Maestro’s arm on his chest. He took a pillow under his head, pulled the Maestro toward him, and placed the pillow between Hokuto and his drunk mentor. 

“I’m really sorry about this,” Taiga said for the nth time, to which Hokuto would reply, “it’s really okay.”

Hokuto stared at the ceiling while he lamented how his dream of “there’s only one-bed” trope quickly descended to a comedy of errors. As it happened, they arrived at Taiga’s hotel room, and on the floor outside his door was his very drunk Maestro. They could have carried him to his own room, but unfortunately, the Maestro’s room is at the end of the corridor, and his weight is probably the total of their weight combined. In the end, and to Hokuto’s disgruntlement, Taiga decided to let the Maestro sleep with them. Between them. And he even snored like a hippo, if hippos ever snored.

"I thought about it, why don't you sleep in Maestro's room and I'll stay here-"

"No," Hokuto said strongly, making the Maestro pause from his snores. "I'll stay here with you." He could deal with snores and probable body pains but he won't leave Taiga.

"Are you sure?" He asked, his tone worried.

"I'm sure."

"You might not get a decent sleep."

"I'll survive."

"Thank you, Hokuto, thank you for staying."

The mere mention of his first name made him beam. "I-it's no big deal, but you're welcome."

“Goodnight,” Taiga said after a while.

“Goodnight.”

***

Hokuto didn’t know what time it was but he had given up all pretense of sleep. He couldn’t, and probably wouldn’t, be able to sleep from the soprano-like snores coming from the Maestro. He decided he might as well read some manuscript from his iPad and when he stood up to retrieve it, he could only gape seeing Taiga awake as well. They waved at each other, like a couple of casual friends who met at a party. 

"I really think you should sleep in-"

"I won't sleep anywhere but here," Hokuto said firmly as he returned to bed. "What are you watching?" 

"Hunter x Hunter," he replied, showing his screen toward him. "How about you? What will you be watching?"

"I'll be reading a manuscript." 

Taiga simply nodded, inserted back his AirPods, and resumed watching, while Hokuto opened his tablet and began to read. None of them spoke for a while, while Maestro's snores seemed to be growing louder, one would think a bear is being slaughtered. 

"What are you reading about?" Taiga asked. "Is it good enough for publication?"

Hokuto sighed, fixing his glasses on his nose. "I thought of it as good so I requested for a full manuscript, but it went downhill after Ch 6."

"Eh, why?"

"It started as a pure love story between a tyrant king and a commoner, but now, it was revealed that the king has vampire ancestry-"

Taiga cackled, before covering his mouth. 

"-and the commoner is a long-lost heir and should have been queen. Oh, they could also be cousins."

Taiga laughed, throwing his head back and wiping his tears. "I assume this type of story will never get published?" 

"Probably not. I understand it's fiction but it has to make sense." 

“Hmmm, I understand the logic behind it, but if it’s romance…sometimes love doesn’t make sense, right?” He said, shrugging.

“Oh, that old plot that ‘logic defies love’ or ‘love conquers all’?”

Taiga nodded excitedly. “Yes, those stories won’t make your cut?” 

“It could, as long as the author could make their plot work, and as long as it-”

“-it makes sense,” Taiga finished for him. “Uhm, are you like that in real life? Practical when it comes to love?” 

Hokuto thought about his past relationships. “Instead of practical, hmmm, I would say I’m realistic.”

Taiga gave him the same bemused expression he had earlier when he told him about his music choices. “Interesting. I thought as a literary agent, you would be more of a romantic."

"I could be romantic…in a realistic way. How about you?"

"Oh, I'm a hopeless romantic." He smiled shyly. "I want a love so intense, I want a rapture that makes me tremble. I also want to experience loving someone so much that it hurts, but instead of backing away from the pain, you yearn for it, because the pain will make you feel that you’ve truly loved.” 

Taiga sighed and Hokuto could see that Taiga had a picture of someone in his mind. “Of course, my dad thinks I was being drama-” He paused, and Hokuto could picture a “#TMI” flashing on Taiga’s mind. 

“Oh well, none of what I said would make sense to you, Mr. Realistic,” he said with sarcasm before he returned his attention to his phone.

Hokuto realized that his knuckles had turned white from gripping his tablet, it was a miracle the screen hadn’t cracked. His realistic view would disagree with Taiga's, most of his views were even close to fiction, and love shouldn’t be that complicated. His realism might contradict Taiga’s romanticism, but as he enumerated how he wanted love to be, Hokuto began to think how nice it would be to be at the giving end of those emotions. 

***

2019 June 28,

Bento eaten during train rides is quite an experience. It makes you miss the place where you’ve been, but it also makes you anticipate your next destination. The ebiken I bought is so colorful that I just had to take a picture. Aptly called, “Sixteen Colors”, it would definitely make me miss the gastronomic delights of Hakata even though I only stayed for a day. This bento has siomai, mini croquette, karaage, tamago, salmon, and even a mentaiko! The only downside of this bento, everything is just bite-size, thus, I bought two!

Hokuto drowsily checked his phone for the time and his eyes widened upon seeing that he’ll be in Tokyo in 2 hours. Yawning, he stretched his arms and glanced at his unopened bento. He still felt sleepy but glad that he was able to take a nap. 

Last night was really something. Hokuto didn’t know what time he fell asleep, which was close to a miracle he even did, but when he woke up, he and Taiga were both sleeping on the Maestro’s chest as though he was just a humongous pillow between them. 

Hokuto failed to suppress a smile upon recalling Taiga’s sleeping face. He doesn’t look real, almost ethereal, and if it wasn’t for Maestro finally waking up, Hokuto could have stared at his face longer. He touched his chest with his hand, his feelings for Taiga are dangerously moving in that direction, and it scares him. Would he really dare when Taiga clearly wanted to be just friends?

He turned his attention back to the journal, the writer had drawn something again today, and even without colors, he was able to capture the bento that Hokuto was eating at the moment. He missed Hakata, too, but more on who he left there. He shook his head, trying to ward-off Taiga from intruding in his thoughts. He read further to the journal,

…I wished I could have stayed longer in Hakata but I must return to Tokyo for my yearly tradition. I will get to hear Blues in Cello again by the man who greatly influenced my love for cello. Another night of keeping my problems at bay while I immersed myself in this rarity in jazz. I’ll see you later, Erik Friedlander-sama. 

Hokuto’s eyes remained fixed on the journal, well, his gaze remained on two words, “yearly tradition”. He repeated the words in his head as though he couldn’t capture the meaning before he opened the search bar on his phone, and with trembling fingers, he typed, “Blues, Erik Friedlander, Tokyo 2022”. He gritted his teeth while he waited for search results and he almost yelped upon reading the top result, “Blues in Cello for one night at Blue Danube.” He didn’t finish reading the article and immediately went to the website for tickets, and he was on tenterhooks until he finally received a digital copy of his ticket. 

Sighing in relief, he took a post-it note from his bag, and wrote, “will I get to see you tomorrow, journal’s owner-san?”

2019 June 29,  

 

Last night would have been awesome if it wasn’t for the fact that I suffered from stomach flu and I blamed the cheese platter they served. I will never have those ever again! 

To say Hokuto was nervous is an understatement. He was beyond nervous. He was close to having a panic attack and that wouldn’t be good. He had been thinking if he should tell Jesse that he might get to meet the journal’s owner tonight but thought against it. Jesse would surely want to tag along and Hokuto didn’t want Jesse along. He has this feeling that Jesse might just intrude on something special. 

He increased his speed as he neared his destination, he was acting as though he would be going on a blind date, except that he knew who he would be meeting. He also thought of asking Taiga to show that he could appreciate jazz, but he thought of it as improper, like a husband taking his wife for dinner to meet his mistress.

He checked his reflection as he passed by a shop window, hoping he didn't look too formal in his gray suit, his hair sleek, and on his arm, he clutched the journal. 

Soft tunes floated in the air as Hokuto entered Blue Danube, the place smelled of crisp bills and fine wine as he was directed to his designated table. The audience was sparse, most were alone like him and only a handful were couples. Overall, the mood was subdued and it seemed to Hokuto that only he was on the edge. He gave the place another glance, looking for him even though he had no idea what he should be looking for. He placed the journal on the empty seat next to him, displayed it like those bestsellers at the bookstore, and he could only wait in suspense for the owner to arrive. 

A few minutes after a platter of cold cuts and cheese were served, the warm lights in Blue Danube were dimmed. He could feel the anticipation in the air as a musician with a saxophone went on stage. He looked at the picture of Erik Friedlander on his phone, he’s definitely not the man on stage since he should be playing the cello. Hokuto guessed, that Friedlander-san is just like any artist, they need an opening act. The sax player started his piece and Hokuto braced himself for potential drowsiness, but surprisingly, none came. He guessed his anxiousness is greater than the sedative effect of jazz for him. The audience erupted to polite applause after the saxophone piece, the solo act was followed by a quartet of trumpet, sax, piano, and clarinet, then by a sultry jazz singer, and when he finally caught a glimpse of a cello, Hokuto straightened on his seat. 

Hokuto gave another sweeping look behind him and noticed that there were more people compared to earlier, and he immediately turned his attention back to the stage as the small crowd cheered. But Hokuto didn’t share the enthusiasm of the crowd, the man onstage is definitely not Erik Friedlander, because first, he is obviously of oriental descent. He wanted to ask the nearest waiter what happened to Erik Friedlander but the music started, the crowd turned silent, and Hokuto was too deflated to walk out. 

***

“Excuse me,” Hokuto asked the bartender after the music was done and the cellist was now being interviewed. “Uhm, I’m just wondering, what happened to Erik Friedlander-san?” 

“Erik who?” 

Hokuto took out his phone and showed him the photo he saved earlier. 

“Ahhh!” The bartender exclaimed in recognition. “Friedlander-san is in Omotesando.” 

“Omotesando?!” Hokuto exclaimed back.

“Yes, yes. Friedlander-san in Blue Danube Omotesando while here in Sumida, we have-” 

“Thank you, I have to go,” he said quickly and dashed off outside. He knew he was quite far from the nearest station so he could only hail a taxi. 

“Blue Danube Omotesando, please.”

Hokuto could only alternate between drumming his fingers and cracking his knuckles as the taxi seemed to move in slowness. Traffic was light, and the taxi seemed to be moving at 50/mph but for Hokuto, everything was dragging. It was all his fault. Excitement clouded his sensibility that he forgot to read the fine print. He was too impulsive to meet the journal’s owner that he - he gasped loudly.

“Are you okay?” The driver asked, he looked worried as he checked Hokuto through his rear-view mirror.

“I-I’m fine,” he said, talking about recklessness, he forgot the journal back at Sumida. He wanted to scream, torn between wanting to go back to Sumida for the journal, or continuing to Omotesando even though he had no idea what he would be looking for. 

“Sir, we’re here.”

“Oh…okay.” Sighing, he paid his fare. His neurotransmitters that had been working in overdrive earlier had gone dry, he glanced at Blue Danube Omotesando, feeling distraught and despondent while he watched people leave its doors. It was over. His chance of finally meeting the journal’s owner had been crushed. He sat like a wilted flower on the stairs. He couldn’t care less what he looked like and what people would think of him. He is sad and he would show off his misery. 

“Matsumura?” 

He glanced up and slowly sat up straight. “K-kyomoto?” He paused as he looked at Taiga from head to toe. He had seen him in a suit before, but this was different. Hokuto could only think of Leonardo di Caprio as Jack, in the “third-class dance” scene with Rose. How could someone look so alluring in suspenders and raised collars?  

“What are you doing here?” Taiga asked, looking bewildered. 

Hokuto’s recent foolishness came back to weigh him down and if it wasn’t for another familiar voice, he might have wept in front of Taiga. 

“Jesse….and Kouchi?” 

“What are you doing here?” Jesse asked, giving him a once-over, “and you’re all dressed-up as well.”

Hokuto looked at the three of them, glad to see familiar faces in times of his distress while they stared back in anticipation. 

“A-are you okay?” Taiga asked slowly, extending his hand behind Hokuto and giving him a pat. 

He gazed at those beautiful eyes, sighing, he could only say, “I’m so stupid.” 

***

The four of them ended up in a 24 hours coffee shop where Hokuto told them what happened in the last 24 hours since he found out about the journal’s owner and his annual tradition to see Erik Friedlander. 

“I really thought it was my chance, but I fucked up big time,” Hokuto said with a heavy sigh. 

“It’s fine,” Jesse said and gave him a friendly tap on his back, “I’m pretty sure you’ll have another chance.” 

Hokuto isn’t at all assured, he still felt he missed something big. “You guys are lucky. You could literally be sitting beside the journal’s owner and you have no idea. By the way, how come the three of you are together?” 

“I asked them out,” Taiga said quietly while he stirred his tea, “you did mention before that jazz music makes you feel sleepy,” he added in an accusing tone that made Hokuto swallow hard. He looked at Jesse and Kouchi for rescue, but both of them looked at him as though he was the biggest jerk on earth. 

Scratching his head, he said, “well, i-it still has that effect,” he said cautiously. Taiga simply smiled and drank his tea. 

“Are you okay? You looked pale,” Kouchi commented to Taiga. 

“I’m fine,” Taiga said, his tone suggesting that he didn’t want further comments about his appearance, “I just didn’t get to have a proper dinner. The cheese platter they served wasn't to my liking.”

An awkward silence stretched between them as Kouchi dropped them off at their apartment. Hokuto could feel that something wrong happened between them, he wanted to ask, but he also felt like the timing was not right. 

“Uhm, g-goodnight?” Hokuto said when they reached their respective doors. He didn’t expect Taiga to give him so much of a nod, so it surprised him when Taiga spoke to him. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?” Hokuto asked. 

“I told you before that I wish for you to meet the journal’s owner.”

Hokuto nodded. 

“I changed my mind.” 

“What do you mean?” Hokuto asked, perplexed. 

“Don’t go looking for the journal’s owner. Live in the present and don’t let a journal dictate you how to spend your days.” 

“I don’t-”

“Yes, you are,” Taiga said fiercely. His eyes seemed to be challenging him to protest. But Hokuto was too astonished by his anger to say anything back. 

“I’m sorry if I made your night worse, but please think about what I said. Goodnight.” 

Hokuto could only stare at Taiga’s door for a long time. His night had really gotten worse, and he remained clueless about what went wrong.

…despite my stomach suffering last night, listening to Blues in Cello really took my blues away. Every time I listen to it, it always gives me goosebumps and heart-thumping moments, the same feeling I would always have when I think I would fall in love. The romantic in me is again screaming. I just never learned. 

2019 June 30, 

 

I went back to my doctor today and I’ve been given a clean bill of health. Even though playing lately gave me stress more than joy, I dreadfully missed it. Speaking of dreadful, of all the people I have to meet at the hospital, it should be that snooty critic! One look at me and the xray on my hand, she immediately made the connection for that moment of freezing during that event. I thought no one would notice! I thought I pulled it off flawlessly. But she noticed, of course,she might be a witch tbh. I ignored all her questions, and I was in so much stress that I headed to the nearest McDonald's. I ordered a HiruMac Big Mac, McFloat, McFlurry Oreo, and ate my heart out. Fast food is the best for stress eating, all that grease actually helps!

 

“What do you mean someone took the journal?” Hokuto asked, exasperated. Blue Danube had just opened and his angry voice seemed to have been amplified around the room. 

“There was no need to shout at our part-timer,” the bartender said, shooting Hokuto a stern look.

Hokuto took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, I'm just too stressed.” He turned to the part-timer who looked like he wanted the floor to swallow him whole. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have shouted.”

The part-timer merely nodded, still avoiding Hokuto’s eye.

“Uhm, I left my business card in the pocket of the journal’s leather cover. Didn’t you see that?” He asked. He left his business card in the journal exactly for cases like this where he might have left it elsewhere, so he could still claim ownership of it.

“I-I did,” the part-timer replied, “but the owner said that the business card isn’t a sign of ownership.” 

“So? How did he prove he owns the journal? There was no identification in the journal except for my business card?” 

The part-timer finally looked up at him and he looked impressed. “He said he wrote his name in invisible ink!”

“Invisible ink?!” Hokuto gasped. 

The part-timer nodded in enthusiasm. “He brought with him a small UV black light, he flipped some pages, and there it was, his name written across two pages,” he said in amazement. “By then, I couldn’t really doubt him. I’m pretty sure the real owner of that journal could be the only one who knows where he has written his name in invisible ink, no less!”

Hokuto raised an eyebrow as the part-timer mentioned, “real owner”, he felt like being slapped on the face for being the fake one. 

He cleared his throat and asked in a low voice, “Very well, may I know the owner’s name?” 

“Haydn.”

***

“Haydn? Haydn? How do you even pronounce that? Is he a foreigner then?” Jesse asked. Hokuto went straight to his office for another therapy session on his ongoing dilemma. 

“I don’t think that’s his name. I think I’ve read the name mentioned in one of his entries but I can’t pinpoint where exactly,” Hokuto said, massaging his temples.

“Did the part-timer describe what he looked like?” 

“He did but it’s of no help. The man is wearing a mask, bonnet, and sunglasses. The only thing he could tell me is that the journal’s owner has pretty hands.”

“That wouldn’t get us far,” Jesse lamented. “But how did he know that his journal is in Blue Danube?” 

Hokuto sat up straight. “That’s what I’m most curious about. I was thinking, maybe he made the same mistake as I was and went to the Sumida branch instead of Omotesando, and there he saw me with his journal on the seat next to me.”

“That’s plausible,” Jesse agreed. 

“But it’s impossible for him to make the same mistake. The bartender said that Friedlander-san always played at Omotesando because the venue is bigger to accommodate his fans. The first and last time Friedlander-san played at the Sumida branch was in 2018, after that, he had always been in Omotesando. The journal’s owner, Haydn or whatever, couldn’t have made the same mistake.” 

“Hmmm, how many people knew that you lost the journal?” 

“Uhm, well, you, Kouchi, and…Kyomoto.” A dark cloud moved over his head with the mere mention of Taiga’s name. They haven’t seen each other since Taiga told him to stop looking for the journal’s owner. Taiga would definitely not be happy if he learns how Hokuto is acting at the moment. But he still refused to believe that he is letting the journal dictate how he spends his days. He was simply curious.

Jesse raised his hands and observed. “Although my hands are indeed pretty, I can assure you that I didn’t take the journal from the bar.” 

Hokuto scoffed. “I know that. I doubt Kouchi and Kyomoto would also bother.” He thought about Taiga’s attitude toward the lost journal but immediately shook his head, Taiga couldn’t have known about the invisible ink, and it would be extremely weird if he did take it.

“Seeing your distress, I guess you were lying when you told me before that you weren’t interested in the journal’s owner,” Jesse said and smiled sheepishly. “Your attitude right now is definitely from someone who cares.”

Hokuto sighed. “Fine. I care. I started caring right at the first entry. And I cared more now knowing that he cares enough to retrieve the journal back.” 

Jesse smiled before he stood up and took a stack of papers from his bookshelf, all held together by two large binder clips. He gently placed the papers on Hokuto’s lap and his eyes widened when he realized what it was. 

“Is this? It couldn’t be.” 

Jesse grinned, looking utterly pleased with himself. “I’m a publisher, I always make copies.” 

…my arm has rested enough, time to play again! 

***

Hokuto had to stop himself from smiling while he read today’s entry.  He was just too happy that he got to read the journal again, even though it was a copy. He owed Jesse big time, Jesse could make Hokuto his slave and he won’t complain. In fact, he already agreed to what Jesse wanted in exchange for giving him a copy. 

“Matsumura?”

Hokuto looked up and saw Taiga two tables away. “Oh!” He waved at him before he quickly placed the journal’s copy in his bag. He felt guilty. Heck! He doesn't even know why he should feel guilty. 

“I-is this seat taken?” 

“No, you may sit.” Hokuto gestured at the seat opposite his. 

Taiga sat down and Hokuto noticed all of Taiga’s orders were desserts; apple pie, McShake strawberry, and McFlurry Oreo. 

“Uhm, I hope I didn’t disturb you from your reading…a manuscript?” 

“Ah, y-yeah. It’s fine,” he said, taking a gulp of his soda because the sudden awkwardness became stifling. 

“Listen…Uhm, I’m sorry about how I acted last night,” Taiga said, not quite meeting his eye. “I’m not in any position to tell you what you should or should not do. I overstepped my boundaries. I’m really sorry.” 

“It’s not a big deal, there’s no need to apologize,” Hokuto replied and he meant it. “Looking back, I think I overreacted a bit over someone I’ve never met and I was a bit annoying.” 

Taiga was about to reply when someone called his name, he turned in the direction of the voice, and Hokuto could see how Taiga’s mood turned surly. 

“It’s really you, Kyomoto Taiga-san!” The woman approached closer with excitement, which Taiga didn’t share. She looked formidable with her graying hair, which she didn’t bother to color, her feline-shaped glasses made her look sharp and smart, and she towered over most women. Hokuto guessed they might be the same height. 

“I’ve been wanting to interview you but your agent always said you are busy,” she remarked, her tone suggesting that she didn’t believe Taiga to be busy at all. 

“I don’t see any reason why you would be interviewing me,” he said casually. “After all, didn’t you write before that once I stepped out of Japan, I would be a bygone?” He added, his voice reeking in sarcasm. 

“And I’m happy to be wrong!” 

To Hokuto’s disbelief, she did look happy to be wrong. 

“I left my number to your agent, call me when you’re ready to be interviewed,” she finished before leaving them. 

“I hate her,” Taiga snarled, uncaring if the woman was still within earshot.

“Uhm, who is she?” Hokuto asked gingerly, or he might be at the receiving end of Taiga’s furor. 

Taiga sneered. “Just someone who calls themselves a critic.”

“Ah…she’s a critic?” Hokuto now knew why she looked so formidable. 

“She is…but I’d rather call her a witch.” 

Hokuto raised an eyebrow, before glancing toward his bag. Didn’t he just read the journal’s owner referred to someone as a “witch” and coincidentally, the witch is also a critic? 

“Why are you staring at me like that? Is there something on my face?” Taiga asked and began wiping his hand on his cheeks. 

Hokuto shook his head. “Uhm, no. I…I’m just surprised to see you around here!” 

“Oh! Yeah…I visited someone nearby and she encouraged me to eat sweets afterward.”

She. Taiga met with a woman, and that was all that ran into Hokuto’s head. He wanted to ask why she didn’t come with him. Or is she someone important that Taiga would travel all this way for this woman? 

“I see…so how’re rehearsals coming along?” He asked, changing the topic since Taiga obviously is not interested in elaborating on his business. 

Taiga bit his lower lip. “Hmmm, well…let’s just say that I managed to play it on my own…once.” 

“That’s good! And did you find it hard?”

“Well, rather than hard, I guess time does heal all wounds.” He smiled softly while his eyes got lost in some distant past that Hokuto wanted to hug him.

“Maybe I could listen to it one of these days,” he said before he could stop himself.

“It’s far from perfect but I recorded myself while I played it.” He opened his phone. “I’ll send it to you.” 

“Err…okay.” He took out his phone as it buzzed and saw the file Taiga had sent. 

“Is it this Cello Concerto No 1 by Hay…”

“HHEY-DihN,” Taiga spoke with an accent, “Haydn.”

…fast food might be unhealthy to some, a junk food as others referred to it, but places like McDonald’s were a lifesaver when I first set foot in Vienna. Although the taste isn’t exactly “home”, the familiarity of the menu and taste is just reassuring.  

2019 July 3 ,

 

It has always amazed me why Americans eat dessert for breakfast. Yes, dessert. No one can convince me that pancakes, waffles, muffins, French toast, most of which are drizzled with syrup, laden with fruits, and sprinkled with powdered sugar, aren’t desserts. They are. But this is not a complaint. I find it helpful to eat these desserts after nights of disappointment coupled with restless sleeps. I still can’t play anything, my arm and elbow still hurts, my doctor ordered another round of tests that came back negative. Nothing is wrong with me. I’m just waiting for him to say that “it’s all in my head”, but I think he’s too professional to dismiss me like that. But I’m getting frustrated, I’m getting scared. What if I never get to play again? My therapist isn’t making things easier. I think she grew tired of listening to me. The last thing she said was that it’s time for me to confront the factors that made it harder for me to play. Basically, she’s the one saying that “it’s all in my head”. I finished 3 stacks of blueberry pancakes while I was busy having an inner self-argument. I couldn’t even remember how it tasted. Oh, but I remember how fluffy it was. 

 

Kyomoto Taiga elbow or arm injury. Hokuto hit search and disappointment descended on him when it yielded no results. He tried again, typing, Kyomoto Taiga cello hiatus due to injury, before hitting search. There were no articles about Taiga’s past hiatus, but there were several article titles about a disappointing performance by Taiga, several of which were written by the critic he met at the fast food chain. Hokuto was about to click on one link when he felt a warm breath behind his ear. 

“What are you searching for?” 

Hokuto’s almost jumped in surprise as he glared at Shintaro. As the months have changed, Juri has returned to working from home while Shintaro and Hokuto have returned to the office. 

“None of your business.” He closed his screen and crossed his arms toward Shintaro. 

“Why are you searching about Kyomoto Taiga? I thought you weren’t interested.” 

Hokuto raised an eyebrow. It must have slipped from his mind, but why was Shintaro cautioning him against Taiga? 

“Not interested in a romantic sense,” he said and hiccupped. He frowned at the sudden hiccup, he repeatedly cleared his throat and drank water. “But from a business perspective, yes, I’m very interested in him,” he added. He had no plans of telling Shintaro his suspicions; suspicions which he hadn’t shared with Jesse as well since he went to a quick summer getaway with Kouchi. 

“Business, hmmm?” Shintaro repeated, not looking convinced as he crossed his beefy arms on his chest. “I’m interested to know more about this business.” 

“I’ll tell you all about it,” Hokuto said. “If you tell me why you are against Kyomoto?” He asked in a challenging tone.  

Shintaro looked taken aback. “I’m not against Kyomoto per se, I don’t even know him.” 

“Then why?” 

He frowned as though Hokuto spoke in a foreign language. “Oh, I haven’t mentioned it yet?” He looked around the busy production floor before he leaned closer to him. “Maybe I’m overthinking things, but life’s better if we avoid drama and complications.” 

“I’m still not getting you.” 

“Okay, a few years back, Kyomoto Taiga dated a pianist, she was his accompaniment.”

Hokuto failed to mask his surprise. Not that it was surprising that Taiga dated anyone, but he really knew so little about Taiga. He wondered if the “she” he met a few days ago was that ex-girlfriend.

Shintaro continued, “Anyway, she sort of cheated on him.” 

Hokuto raised an eyebrow, he’s quite unforgiving when it comes to cheaters, and this woman had the gall to cheat on Taiga? “Is there some sort of  cheating?” 

“Don’t judge her too harshly,” Shintaro cautioned, “rumors were ripe that Kyomoto Masaki was against her being in a relationship with their golden son.”

Hokuto gaped. He was aware of the sour father-and-son relationship and he wondered if this was the reason. 

“How do you know about this?” 

“I interned at FRIDAY back in college. I was assigned to Taiga and they told me to dig some dirt about him,” he said with a shrug. “But of course, my conscience got the better of me and I didn’t reveal any stuff I learned,” he quickly added.  

“Oh.” It was all Hokuto could say, he didn’t know how to take this news. 

“But aren’t you interested in who she cheated on Taiga with?” Shintaro asked, and unease sprouted within Hokuto and he didn’t know why. He swallowed hard, before whispering, “who?” 

“Your ex-boyfriend.” 

***

… my therapist encouraged me to do busking, maybe a different environment would do me good, she said. Well…I fucking ended up in a police station because busking needed a fucking permit. I was even accused of taking money from strangers. I will never listen to my therapist again. 

Six Degrees of Separation is not just a theory for Hokuto, it became a reality. Who would have thought that his laxity in his first homosexual relationship would lead to someone else’s broken relationship? It was Hokuto’s decision to keep their options open, he was still in denial that such a relationship would have the potential to last a lifetime. When his partner cheated, Hokuto couldn’t even blame him, and it was too late when he realized how much he loved him. He was the one that got away. 

“Matsumura?” 

Hokuto turned and he had to scratch his eyes since he shouldn’t be seeing Taiga. 

“What are you doing here?” Taiga asked, scowling but a thin smile formed on his lips. 

“I-I’m not really sure,” he murmured. He was so perturbed with what he learned from Shintaro that he ended up going to the concert hall when he should be going home. “Uhm, are you done with rehearsals?” He asked instead, seeing Taiga with a cup of vendo machine coffee in his hand. 

“Oh, that! Do you want to come in? This is the first day of rehearsals for the ‘People’s Orchestra’. They will only rehearse twice a month for now, do you want to see them?” He asked excitedly. 

“Uhm, well, if I’m not much of a bother-” 

“You’re not a bother at all!” He said, taking his hand, and pulling him into one of the halls. 

A cacophony of sounds filled the hallowed halls as they entered, but with one loud clearing of the throat from the Maestro, everyone dropped into silence. The Maestro raised his baton and with one swing, the orchestra began to play. 

“Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini by Rachmaninoff,” Taiga whispered, he was so close that Hokuto could smell the coffee from his breath. He tried to focus back at the orchestra, the starting notes brisk and striking as though a character was being introduced, then everyone stopped while the Maestro continued to move his baton until the violinists and cellist started again. The pauses went on and being unfamiliar with the piece, Hokuto had no idea if this was really how it was supposed to be played. 

The sparse audience clapped as the concerto came to a halt. Hokuto reluctantly clapped his hands as he dared to look beseechingly toward Taiga. 

“You don’t look impressed,” Taiga pointed. 

“Well, I’m definitely a classical music amateur, and it felt like something was missing,” he commented. 

Taiga looked impressed. “I guess you’re not that amateur. Yes, something is missing and that’s because this should be a piano concerto.”

“Oh!” He looked back at the stage and saw the piano in the middle but without a pianist. 

“Maestro hasn't found one yet. The pianist has to have lots of skill for this one.” 

… Taiga dated a pianist, she was his accompaniment.

He suddenly remembered why he went looking for Taiga. He wanted to apologize even though it wasn’t exactly his fault. 

…Who is the lucky person?...A pianist…

“But I believed, 3 were shortlisted and each of them would be performing with the orchestra today,” Taiga said, his eyes straight to the stage. 

Hokuto cleared his throat. “Uhm, Kyomoto, this might not be the right time, but I need to tell you something-”

“Shit. Bullshit,” Taiga muttered, while he squinted toward the stage. Hokuto returned his attention to the stage and he could only gape. Shaking hands with the Maestro is a face he just saw earlier after Shintaro poured over the internet for her picture. There’s no doubt about it, the lovely woman on stage is Taiga’s ex-girlfriend and his ex-boyfriend’s wife. 

“Taiga Kyomoto!"

They both looked behind them and Hokuto’s eyes widened recognizing Erik Friedlander. He was quick to recover as Taiga made introductions between them. Hokuto timidly extended his hand for a handshake, which Friedlander obliged by transferring what he was holding in his right hand to his left. And Hokuto had to rearrange his face so he wouldn’t look too surprised, for what Friedlander held was the mysterious journal. 

Hokuto’s Six Degrees of Separation is in full swing at the moment and Hokuto hoped his heart would be strong enough to withstand this. 

… every time I give my pancakes a generous serving of maple syrup, I would always say, “it’s all in my head”. Nothing is too much when it comes to syrup.  

2019 July 4 , 

 

I love tomatoes. Raw. Nothing seasoning desu. So it came as a surprise why I liked minestrone soup. It was not too heavy for a hearty meal, it was refreshing for something served hot, but I guess what made me really like it was how everything else blended so well with the tomatoes. Or maybe, just maybe, I learned to appreciate this dish because I was too busy distracting myself. My father is becoming so annoyingly obvious that he likes his friend’s daughter for me. Nothing against her, but I have everything against my father’s wishes. It hasn’t been that long since he told me that I should just concentrate on my career because I’m getting “rusty”. But as I expected, he just didn’t think she was good enough for me. Come to think of it, even I wasn’t good enough for him. I wish I could be the tomatoes used in this minestrone, they could really blend well with anything. 

Hokuto went from not being interested in classical music to sitting at a table with people who earned a living with classical music. On his left is Taiga, who kept on telling him that he ordered shrimp ankake donburi for both of them, to which Hokuto would remind him that he is allergic to shrimp. Taiga was too distracted to care, either because Erik Friedlander had been pitching an idea of producing a jazz album and Taiga would be one of the artists, or because Date Mei, his ex-girlfriend, went to dinner with them. 

The Maestro kept on telling Mei, “subarashii”, after her stellar audition, or maybe because that was the only Japanese praise he could utter. Mei looked shy and awkward and would shift her eyes anywhere when Taiga looked in their direction to speak to the Maestro. She would smile warmly at Hokuto, and he didn’t think she had any idea about his past with her husband. 

Meanwhile, the other Maestro’s special guest aside from Taiga, the violin virtuoso named Ootori Ren, kept on giving him curious glances while he drank sake. Hokuto was really just waiting for him to ask who he is and what the fuck he was doing there. Frankly, Hokuto had no idea either. He glanced at the journal peeking from Friedlander’s bag pocket, it really looked like the one he lost, from the blackened leather cover from age to the similar metal clasp. The one he assumed Taiga owned. He glanced at Taiga and sighed. How did things get this complicated? Maybe he should have just gone home and waited for Taiga to tell him the truth. Or maybe, he shouldn’t have done anything. It was all in the past and it’s not like he is part of anyone else’s present. 

Or does he want to be part of someone’s present? 

Their orders arrived and Maestro stood up to tell the members of the People’s Orchestra that it’ll be his treat so they should all eat and bust their tummies. They all thanked him profusely before they said their grace, and Taiga started taking the shrimp from his rice bowl. He did listen after all! Hokuto didn’t want to look too pleased as when Taiga asked if fried oysters were okay, he nodded, and Taiga piled Kaki Fry on his rice. 

“Thank you,” Hokuto said when the violin virtuoso opposite him snapped his fingers. 

“I just recalled where I met you,” Ren exclaimed, grinning. “I could be wrong, after all, Heaven is quite dark,” he added, smiling knowingly.

Hokuto almost choked on the oyster when Heaven was mentioned. He’d only been there once, an underground club that mostly catered to his lot where he met now Mei’s husband. He subtly glanced at her and it seemed like she had no idea what Heaven was being referred to. It was more than a couple of years ago and Ren still remembered him.

“I’m good at memorizing faces,” Ren said as though he read Hokuto’s mind. “I’m bad with names though, but the faces, especially someone with your face. Darn remarkable.” He puckered his lips and Hokuto swallowed hard when he felt a foot sliding up his shin to his knee. He was about to shift on his seat when he felt someone’s hand on his knee. 

“In case it wasn’t so obvious, but he is…with me,” Taiga said, his eyes shooting daggers on his colleague, while his grip on Hokuto’s knee became tighter. Instead of looking embarrassed, the violin virtuoso had the gall to smirk. 

“Quite possessive, are we? Does your dad know?” 

“Of course he knows,” Taiga said casually and Hokuto had to hand it to him for looking serious when lying. “And I also hope you know how to respect someone’s personal space, or you might find your foot stuck somewhere and amputation would be the only solution.” 

Hokuto thinks he and Mei felt the cut from Taiga’s threat, they both coughed. Ren did get the message, and immediately withdrew his foot that lingered on Hokuto’s shin, while Taiga’s hand stayed on his knee. 

“Are you two fighting again?” The Maestro asked, his eyes squinting at them. 

“No, Maestro,” Taiga said, smiling sweetly. “I’m just reminding him of common Japanese courtesy, which he might not be aware of because he didn’t grow up here.”

The remark seemed to irk Ren, but he ignored Taiga’s jab and turned to Mei. “Mei-san, that was a lovely performance. Have you ever played professionally before?” The question might seem innocent, but Ren’s gaze at Taiga could mean he knows more. 

“Thank you. Although I believe I'm not that good, really,” she said, blushing slightly. “Uhm, I used to participate in competitions, but for the most part, I was an accompaniment.”

“Interesting. Have you been an accompaniment for a violinist…or cellist?” 

Hokuto held his breath when Taiga gripped his knee so hard, that he might bust a kneecap. 

“Uhm…b-both actually,” she replied.

Ren nodded. “I believe I’ve seen you before, didn’t you used to play for-?” 

A phone rang and relief flooded Mei’s face when she saw that it was hers. “Excuse me, I need to answer this. It’s my husband.” She got up and went somewhere far from them. 

“What games are you trying to play?” Taiga asked once Mei was out of earshot. “She used to be my accompaniment, so what?” 

Ren smiled. “I know. She used to be your accompaniment before she changed to your closest rival back then. Why is that?” 

That was news to Hokuto. He assumed she stopped being Taiga’s accompaniment after their relationship was over. Hokuto was starting to see Mei differently, she sort of did a “double whammy” on Taiga, she cheated personally and professionally. He wondered if his ex-boyfriend knew all about this. 

He thought Taiga was going on the defensive mode, but as Hokuto learned, Taiga could be unpredictable. 

“Because we’ve broken up and remaining as professionals have become a struggle.” 

That was definitely news to Ren as he stared open-mouthed at Taiga. Taiga’s hold on his knee softened until he removed his hand. Hokuto wanted to chase it back, but he knew it would raise questions. Taiga must have realized he must have said too much, so he turned to Friedlander-san and continued their mixture of Austrian and Japanese talk on producing albums. 

***

… the minestrone soup was superb, so I thought, maybe the tomato ice cream would be good too? Well, I was so wrong. It was…I can’t even call it awful, just…why is this even a thing? Did they think that just because tomatoes are also fruits, it would be nice to have them as ice cream? My vexation with this so-called tomato ice cream went up to a notch as my father became more determined to set me up with his friend’s daughter. He didn’t shut up during the entire ride. It was a wonder where he got all that information he told me. I was determined never to speak until he said something that almost made me throw up that tomato ice cream. My father said that I should never tell her that I’m seeing a therapist. It was embarrassing. I asked to be dropped off by the road, dad said I was being too sensitive - again. He told me that I should have been an actor with all my drama. He dropped me off anyway, and as I crossed the bridge without a specific destination in mind, I realized that people really suffer alone.  And what makes suffering crueler is the fact that you can be with people, but no one cares, and no one understands. As I reached the end of the bridge, I made a decision. It’s time for me to move out. It’s time for me to truly face it all alone. Maybe, I'll start healing after that. 

Their commute back home had been pretty silent. Hokuto wanted them to ride a taxi, but Taiga insisted on taking the train followed by a long walk to their apartment. They barely spoke, or even spare the other a glance. One would think they were not together until you see their reflections by the train’s window; Taiga is lost in deep thought with his eyes downcast, while Hokuto let himself be mesmerized by Taiga’s long eyelashes. The night was still and it was beautiful. 

Hokuto found this night a bit cooler even though sweat still slid down his back. They started climbing the stairs when Taiga finally spoke. 

“Uhm, I’m sorry about earlier.” 

“It doesn’t matter,” Hokuto said, shrugging. “My knee will survive.”

Taiga turned to him. “Huh? What about your knee?” 

“Oh, errr, what were you talking about?” 

“Well, I said something that might have the wrong implication. You know, I said that you were with me .” 

“Oh!”

“That jerk is a huge flirt. He flirts with everyone even with those who were firm they weren’t interested,” he said, fuming slightly. “So I have to draw the line. Well, literally, you were with me, with me as in, I brought you with me to dinner,” he clarified even though he looked more confused. 

“You don’t need to explain. I know you mean well.” 

“Cool. I also have to clarify because I don’t want you to think that I said that because of Mei,” Taiga said, sneering. “I have nothing to prove to her.” 

And just like that, the topic he wished to delay was opened. “Uhm, about Mei-san-”

“Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I haven’t moved on from her. I did. It was such a long process that even my cello became affected.” He sighed and continued, “Since then, I made a promise to my cello.” Taiga faced him and declared, “until I retire, my heart only belongs to music.” Taiga grinned as though he just said a joke while Hokuto felt his heart plummeting to depths he didn’t know existed. 

Oh no! No. No. No. When did it even start? 

“Was that too dramatic?” Taiga asked and shrugged. “As my father once said, I’m too sensitive, I should have been an actor.” 

Hokuto tittered as they continued their climb. He felt more nervous now than when he was planning to spill his past relationship with Taiga. Maybe he was looking too much into this. He wanted Taiga to be the journal’s owner; he started romanticizing his feelings toward him.

Yes. That could be it. He couldn’t have fallen for Taiga. 

2019 July 06 ,  

 

False advertising, have you ever been a victim of one? I learned from “Lunch no Joo” that restaurants who display their menu outside of their establishment are usually not good. Although I don’t completely believe that, I found myself avoiding those. However, the words “super huge big filling nikuman” had me falling in line. And I should have known from that redundancy that they shouldn’t be trusted. The moment I took a bite of that nikuman, I tasted nothing but buns until I reached the middle part where I finally had the pork!  BIG WORDS. Just like those big words I uttered to myself that I will move out. Well, here I am, hopping from one apartment to another. No one told me that looking for a modest-size condominium unit with ample space in Tokyo is ridiculously expensive. A one-bedroom alone could cost me my vintage cello and it’s still not mine, only rented. My mom, who definitely took pity on me, told me that she could help with the deposit, but I’m determined to leave our house with nothing but the clothes on my back. Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but I would leave anything that I didn’t buy with my hard-earned money. As much as I appreciate everything my parents have given and done for me, this moving-out business also made me realize how spoiled I’ve been living. Money is never a problem. My parents still give me an allowance even though I’m earning from being a cellist. For some reason, I kept all my receipts from the restaurants I’ve eaten at since I started this food journal and wow, I’ve already paid a quarter’s worth of rent if I didn’t pig out that much. After that disappointing nikuman, I went to 7-11. Their nikuman might be smaller, but at least, I could taste the pork the moment I bite into it. 

“Has this man ever eaten here at the same time but 3 years ago?” Hokuto asked, literally shoving Taiga’s picture from his phone to the nikuman stall owner.

The owner looked frightened as he passed Hokuto his order. “Uhm, no one eats here. As you can see, we don’t have a dining space so everyone just orders and leaves.” 

“Oh, of course.” Hokuto studied the nikuman before adding, “I hope this one has more filling than it was 3 years ago.” 

The owner scowled and Juri grabbed his arm and pulled him away from the stall. “Are you picking a fight?” Juri asked, biting on his own nikuman. 

Hokuto bit into his nikuman and saw that it definitely had more filling than how it was described three years ago. “I’m just checking something.” 

“Yesterday, we went to this sandwich shop and you also asked the same question to the owner. Unfortunately for you, the management changed after the pandemic.”

“I've already told you, I’m doing this-” 

“Yes, yes, yes,” Juri said, exasperated. “You’re doing this to check if Kyomoto Taiga was really the owner of that journal, but why go through all these? Aren’t you guys neighbors? Go and ask him.”

“I can’t. He obviously didn’t want to be found out so…” 

“You’re hoping to corner him into admission? Isn’t that crueler?” 

Hokuto sighed. He couldn’t tell Juri, he couldn’t tell him that he was doing all of these to exhaust himself and prove to himself that he was interested in the journal’s owner for the story and not because of something else, something like falling…

“Have you fallen for me oniichan ?”

Hokuto couldn’t swallow his nikuman as two maids stopped him and Juri with a tray of bite-size pastries from their Maid Cafe. 

“Oh, thank you, but-”

“Did Kyomoto-san ever go to a Maid Cafe?” Juri whispered urgently. 

“I checked until his entry on July 10th and no. Frankly, I don’t think he would ever-” 

“Let’s go. You never know.” 

“What?!” Hokuto’s protest, although he must admit that he didn’t protest harder, fell deaf on Juri’s ears as they allowed themselves into a dizzying world of ruffles, laces, cotton-candy pink, sugar, spice, and everything nice. They literally agreed to all of their maid’s recommendations, but Hokuto wouldn’t admit that being called “Hokuto-sama” tickled his senses. Juri seemed in a daze, he was grinning widely, and laughing with every little thing their maid said. 

“Instead of diet coke, why don’t we put an ice cream and chocolate syrup on top?” their maid asked, her eyelashes fluttered as she spoke. 

“Hehe. I actually have hyperacidity, but that's why medicines were invented. Make it large,” Juri replied, still grinning.

“This place is like a hostess club - on a budget,” Juri whispered when their maid left them. 

“The fuck are you talking about? Did you see the prices on their menu? We probably won’t be able to afford to dine out until next payday and I have a food journal to finish.” 

“It’s on me,” Juri said, “just pay me next payday.” 

Hokuto gaped. Juri had never been this generous to him. Their maid arrived with their orders, all looked cute and IG-worthy, and for the hefty price tag, they all tasted good in Hokuto’s opinion. Juri asked for the bill and the maid asked if she could take their picture for their so-called “Masters Wall”, which featured all their most handsome customers. 

“Aww, we’re not that good-looking,” Juri said, blushing. “But if you insist.” 

The maid took a polaroid shot, asked them to write something on the blank space, and instructed them to post their polaroid on the wall. 

“Should I put on my number?” Juri asked. 

Hokuto scowled. “Have you and your girlfriend broken up?” 

Juri seemed to have been doused with cold water, and he could only say, “oh yeah.” 

Hokuto shook his head and grabbed the photo from Juri. “I’ll post it to the most obscure location.” He went to the “Masters Wall”, a 5x5 cork board filled with polaroids. Hokuto could only shake his head upon seeing that some men really left their numbers and email address. Hokuto decided to paste their photo somewhere on top, he might not be as tall as Jesse, but his height isn’t really Japanese average so he was confident that no one would bother to check the top most part, most would just concentrate on eye-level. He tiptoed and stretched his arms as far as possible, and before he could paste their photo, he saw a photo of someone familiar. He glanced around, and made sure that no one was paying him attention before he grabbed that photo and pasted his and Juri’s on the same spot. 

So you’ve been here too, Taiga. Hokuto smiled, like a kid who did something naughty, and was happy not to be caught. 

***

… still summer and the heat today was insane. So here I am, cooling off with a kakigori drizzled with my favorite Blue Hawaii. It might be my favorite flavor, but frankly, why is it called Blue Hawaii? It doesn’t taste like sea or pineapple, it’s even close to a soda like Ramune. See that? Another case of false advertising. Okay, I’m just being nitpicky, the heat just doubled-up my crankiness. Not to mention that the realtor I wanted to meet just canceled on me. But I’m still looking forward to one thing, I’ll be playing on a cruise tonight. I’m nervous but I also wanted to see how much pain and fear was all part of that “it’s all in my head”. 

Hokuto couldn’t help but crack a smile every time he looked at Taiga’s polaroid photo he took from the Maid Cafe. He is starting to look like an idiot in love, or maybe, he already is as much he tried to deny it. But how could he resist a 2019 Taiga with long-wavy hair and poses with a duck face and a double-peace sign? Behind him was a banner that read, “Bon Voyage”. Hokuto wondered if this was taken before he left for Vienna and who did Taiga go with? He could have gone with Kouchi and Hokuto couldn’t wait to reach his apartment and do an advance reading with the journal up until Taiga’s departure. 

Hokuto was about to put back the polaroid on his breast pocket when there was a jolt in the train, and by the law of inertia, everyone was pushed forward, and Hokuto found himself being literally squeezed. When people started recovering and an apology played through the speaker, Hokuto clamored to retrieve the polaroid that fell from his hold. He was literally on all fours, mumbling excuses as he searched for that polaroid, and when he finally saw it on someone else’s feet, he heard a voice that sent chills down his spine. 

“Eh, Matsumura?” 

Hokuto looked up and of all the people he had to meet on the train, it had to be Taiga. 

“K-kyomoto.” 

“What are you doing?” Taiga asked and before he could glance at the floor, Hokuto made a dive for the polaroid. The kid seated in front of him gave him a look of horror while the adults nearby either snickered or hissed. 

“Sorry about that, sorry.” Hokuto hoped the floor would swallow him whole as Taiga helped him to stand. 

“Are you okay?” He asked. “Is it that important you have to jump?”

“Of course, it is…” he stalled. He couldn’t and he wouldn’t tell Taiga that it’s his own picture he stole from a Maid Cafe. “It is important,” he repeated, placing it in his breast pocket.  

“Okay, if you say so…” Taiga looked unconvinced but he didn’t ask further. “So, are you heading home?” 

“I am…why?” 

“Hmmm, there’s this place near our apartment that I wanted to try. Do you want to eat kimbap with me?” 

“Sure.” Hokuto was still full from those tons of desert-type meals he ate with Juri, but his stomach could just throw everything up if it couldn’t handle a kimbap. 

***

“Isn’t this technically a norimaki ?” Hokuto asked while he studied the ingredients consisting of minced pork, carrots, spinach, egg omelet, yellow pickled radish, and kimchi. 

“Technically it is, but the difference is that norimaki is seasoned with vinegar, and kimbap is seasoned with sesame oil and supposedly sweeter.” Taiga had just eaten his 5th slice and Hokuto struggled to keep up. Maybe he shouldn’t have agreed to this. He forced another slice into his mouth, while Taiga ordered another roll.

“Do you want another roll?” Taiga asked. 

“Uhm, t-tea please,” He said. 

“You eat kimbap like Attorney Young-Woo,” Taiga said while looking wistfully at him. “You arranged the rolls, looked at the ingredients, before eating it horizontally.” 

Hokuto swallowed hard, conscious that Taiga had been studying him. He wasn’t aware he did that, and he only did that to buy time since he was still too full. “Uhm, who is this Attorney Young-Woo?”

“Oh, you don’t know?” 

Hokuto slowly shook his head. 

“Wow,” Taiga remarked with awe. “I suddenly feel normal, everyone was talking about it at the orchestra so I decided to watch it. I tried one episode and so far, I like it. It’s a K-drama about a lawyer with autism.” 

“Ah…” Hokuto nodded. “Back at my work, it’s mostly Shintaro who watches K-dramas.” 

“I bet most of you mostly read rather than watch TV.”

“I can say so for myself, but for Juri and Shintaro, they are more balanced. Like Juri allots some of his time in gaming and his girlfriend, Shintaro in his dog and diving, Jesse in socializing, and I…” Hokuto paused, a lightbulb seemed to have lit up in his head. 

“Ooh!” Taiga hooted. “Are you having a fluking moment?” 

Hokuto blinked his eyes hard. “W-what do you mean?” 

“Just like Attorney Woo, when she realized something vital to the case she’s working on, she would have this staring moment and in her head, her favorite sea creatures were fluking in the sea. So, what did you realize?” 

Hokuto bit his lower lip. He did have his own fluking moment, and he realized it must be the reason why he never had his own Juhan Shuttai. 

“I just realized that unlike Juri, Shintaro, and Jesse, I’ve been living my life without that much variety. Even my taste in books and in what I want to publish, it’s always been the same kind, those thought-provoking literary fiction.”

“Ah…” Taiga mumbled, biting his lower lip. 

Until that journal came… he wanted to say. He could have just read the journal, but he decided to retrace the food journey written there because, for the first time, he wanted to deviate from his usual routine. He used the journal as an excuse to try something different without overwhelming himself. 

Taiga already finished his second roll when Hokuto spoke, “Uhm, Kyomoto.”

“Hmmm?” 

Hokuto swallowed hard and clenched his fist. “Do you remember when I told you about a certain journal that I wanted to publish?” 

He saw Taiga stop chewing before he nodded. 

“I…decided to publish-”

“Hokuto.”

Hokuto turned and his eyes widened seeing his ex-boyfriend, and before he could say anything else, he felt his fist connected to his cheek. 

… I tried playing. It was a disaster. I guess it wasn’t ‘all in my head’ at all. 

2019 July 07,

 

Eating fugu sashimi for me is like playing Russian roulette. Sure, there are lots of licensed chefs around, but chefs are only human and mistakes could be made, that’s why I every time I eat fugu, I think of it as my last meal. Does that sound morbid? Maybe. But death will always be our final destination, and if fugu would be my last meal, then I'll eat every single slice until my tongue goes numb. Why am I talking about fugu and death? Because after my disastrous performance, I’m just here hoping that one of these sashimi has a poison that would kill me, and the news of my death would eclipse my lackluster performance last night. 

Hokuto placed an ice pack on his cheek while he glared at his ex-boyfriend, who was also glaring at him while he bandaged his knuckles. 

He heard Taiga’s sighs as he sat between them on the floor, they had been kicked out of the kimbap place and had gone to Hokuto’s apartment. 

“I think I should leave the two of you, but I’m afraid that you might end-up fighting again so I’ll stay here,” Taiga said while he switched glances between the two of them. “Whatever I will hear here, I assure you that your secrets will be safe with me-”

“Are you Hokuto’s boyfriend?” 

Hokuto scoffed and answered for Taiga. “He’s not and whoever he is, it’s none of your fucking business.”

“Wow! You have the nerve to get angry at me after what you told Mei.”

“What the fuck did I tell your wife?” 

“That we met in Heaven.” 

Hokuto’s brow furrowed. “Why the heck would I tell her that? I’ve only met her once.” 

“Uhm, wait a minute,” Taiga said, scowling as he continued, “Who is this Mei? Is this Mei the orchestra’s pianist aka my ex-girlfriend?”

Hokuto swallowed hard and his insides went cold. He totally forgot about Taiga and Mei! 

“Mei is your ex-girlfriend?!” His ex-boyfriend gaped. “T-then you’re Kyomoto Taiga?” 

Taiga nodded. 

“Oh, I didn’t recognize you. You looked…older?” 

Taiga raised an eyebrow.

“I mean more mature,” his ex quickly corrected. “W-were you blond before?” 

“It doesn’t matter,” Taiga said, rolling his eyes. “This is awkward to be in the same room with whom my ex cheated with.”

Hokuto cleared his throat, and so did his ex who avoided Taiga’s glare. 

“I was just making an assumption, but I guess I’m correct. Anyway, if I could make another assumption, I’m sure it wasn’t Hokuto who told Mei about Heaven. It’s probably that jerk Ootori because that’s where he claimed to have met Hokuto. Have you met Ootori Ren?”

His ex nodded. “Yes, he approached us while we were in the supermarket.”

“Ah…” Taiga mumbled, nodding repeatedly. “Then, he probably put two and two together and arrived at that conclusion, which was surprising of him to be that quick. I guessed that bit that he never forgets faces is true. That reminds me, what’s the deal with Heaven? What would you guys get triggered over it?” 

Hokuto felt his cheeks crimson. “It’s a club…mostly frequented by g-gays.” 

“Oh…” Taiga paused for a while before he turned to Hokuto’s ex-boyfriend. “If you were Hokuto’s…then…now you’re Mei’s…ah, Mei has no idea you used to date Hokuto?” 

“No,” his ex said as he resumed glaring at him. “And I hope it stayed that way until she learned about Heaven, what the club was all about, and-”

“-and you went to me and punched me because you thought I’m such a jerk who would want to get in between your marriage,” Hokuto finished for him. He felt bad, not because he still had lingering feelings, but mostly for the lack of trust from a man who used to be the center of his world. 

His ex nodded glumly. “I went to your workplace and Juri gave me your address, I went here and you were obviously not home, and on my way back to the station, I saw you in the restaurant.” 

Hokuto clenched his jaw. He will kill Juri. 

“I bet your wife wasn’t happy that you used to frequent a gay bar?” Taiga said after a while.

Hokuto tried to catch Taiga’s eye. This isn’t the time for him to jeer, and Hokuto could tell that was precisely what Taiga had in mind from the glint of his eyes. 

“Whose wife would be happy if they found out…?” He trailed off and Hokuto understood. He may not be married, nor was he in any relationship after they broke up, but he could feel the weight of his ex’s words. He could also feel the shame and the loneliness of hiding your true self even from someone you should have been honest with first and foremost. Lastly, he could relate to the fear, the fear that love won’t be enough to make someone stay.

Taiga would never understand that feeling, but then again, he didn’t act like he cared that much when Hokuto came out at him. Or maybe because they weren’t in that kind of relationship in the first place. 

“Mei…san has never been good with inconveniences.” 

“What?!” 

It was Hokuto’s turn to be the middleman as he crawled between Taiga and his ex. “Kyomoto, please,” he said through gritted teeth. 

But Taiga didn’t stop, a corner of his lips twitched as he continued, “She cheated on me for you? Is this…karma?” 

“What the fuck?” His ex growled. “Don’t you dare talk about her like that! She was belittled and insulted by your dad. She was told that she’ll never be good enough for their son, for their son who couldn't even man up and fight for her!”

“I fought for her!” Taiga snarled back. “It was the first time I ever talked back to my parents and for what? Just so I’ll get slapped on my face when I find out that she has been cheating all along. I’m pretty sure you guys don’t even feel sorry, cheaters never do, because you always think that you were the pitiful one so you fell to temptation.” 

“Kyomoto, please,” Hokuto repeated, sighing. “This isn’t the time-” 

“Oh, are you siding with him? Didn’t he cheat on you as well?”

Hokuto shut his eyes and it pained him to admit it. “I knew and I allowed it.” 

Shock and betrayal crossed Taiga’s gaze. “Oh…oh.” 

“Kyomoto-”

“You don’t have to explain anything. I don’t want to know. Frankly, I don’t know if I’m even allowed to feel this way.”

“Kyomoto…”

“I want to be alone. I’m going home.” He stood up in haste, Hokuto wanted to stop him, but his ex’s hand stopped him. They looked at each other’s eyes as he shook his head, and Hokuto could only look back at his door as it closed. 

….My father would probably say that I’m being overly dramatic. That it’s so common for my generation to trade our lives over an embarrassing performance. But music is my life. It’s what I can call mine after spending my childhood in my father’s shadows. Music is my voice in the silence, it is my everything, and I would rather die than have it taken from me. In the end, I’ve finished my plate and I’m still alive! Is that a good sign? Is this kami-sama’s way of telling me that I still need to hold on? 

“You like Kyomoto.” 

Hokuto clenched both of his hands. It wasn’t a question but a statement from his ex. “I-I’m just curious about him. He has something that I’m trying to prove that it is his so I can have it published.”

“Ah, I see,” he said in a voice meaning that he didn’t believe Hokuto. “Hasn’t it always been a curiosity at first for you? Wasn’t curiosity the reason you agreed to a relationship with me?” 

Hokuto glanced at his ex, despite their earlier fight, he decided to walk him to the nearest station. “It was love,” Hokuto said. “But it was too late when I realized that, I’ve pushed you too far away.” 

His ex slowly shook his head. “Stop punishing yourself, Hokuto, I’m as much at fault as you were. “I gave up too early, told myself that you weren’t really interested in that kind of relationship, and I hate to admit that Kyomoto said something correct. I didn’t feel bad for cheating, because I always felt that I’ve been at a disadvantage, and Mei was my reward for all the love I gave you but never got back.” 

The silence between them became heavy with a brooding mood until they reached the station. Hokuto hoped that he would patch things up with Mei, while he wished that Hokuto would realize his real feelings soon before it was too late. Hokuto nodded with hesitation before he walked back to his apartment. His mind filled with the scene back at his apartment with Taiga and his recent conversation with his ex. Has he really fallen for Taiga but was such a coward to admit it? Or rather than admitting it, he was such a coward to accept rejection. He was probably being pessimistic, but he was sure of it, Taiga would reject him. 

He reached his apartment and his heart leaped when saw Taiga seated outside his door. Maybe Taiga felt him approaching, he looked up and smiled timidly. 

“Did..did you send your ex home?” 

Hokuto nodded. “Just up to the station.” 

Taiga nodded. “I see. I…I didn’t know why I stormed out earlier. Please don’t think I still have feelings for Mei. I mean, it was a long time ago, I never really had closure so maybe, I just unleashed whatever I bottled up inside.”

“You don’t have to explain anything. I don’t want to know. Frankly, I don’t know if I’m even allowed to feel this way,” Hokuto repeated Taiga’s words earlier. “What were you feeling earlier?” 

“I…I didn’t like it that you didn’t take my side.” 

“Oh!”

“I know it was childish, why should you take my side anyway?” His eyes widened when he realized something. “Did you just repeat what I said? Or can I also ask what you were feeling earlier, or now?” 

“I was jealous. I thought you might still have feelings for Mei. I was also peeved that you think that Mei marrying someone gay is her karma, so does that mean you see me as-?”

“No,” Taiga denied. “Don’t think it like that, it was wrong of me to say that. I think you’re a wonderful person regardless of your preference and it was wrong of me to use that earlier. By the way…what do you mean j-jealous?”

Hokuto couldn’t help but smile when Taiga stammered. “Why do you think people get jealous?” 

“Because they live miserable lives and can’t accept that other people have it better than them.” 

Hokuto didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at Taiga’s answer. He should have been straightforward from the get-go. 

He took a deep breath and said, “I was jealous because I like-”

“Taiga?” 

Hokuto glanced back and he could only gape upon seeing Masaki-san behind them. 

… isn’t it too much to ask for someone to hold-on with me? 

2019 July 08,  

 

Maybe I was being dramatic. Maybe this was nothing but a setback to what has always been smooth sailing. Maybe I was too spoiled to think that everything would fall into its right place. Maybe I’ve always thought that I have something special when I have really nothing. Maybe all those positive and glowing reviews I’ve gotten before had made my head big. But I still think that I really fucked-up my life. I kept on striving for perfection that I couldn’t accept that I would never be perfect. I was never the prodigy that everyone made me out to be. It was just a fancy label some reporter thought of out of deference to my father. In the end, people would still look at me as my father’s son, my achievements were all thanks to him, and never to all the hard work I gave to better my craft. Moving out of our house is not enough. I also need to move out of this country. I want to go somewhere and be anonymous, I want to be in a place where being a cellist is just another job, and it’s nothing special. Maybe then, I could look at being a cellist in a more logical way. It’s an instrument and I’m a player. I’m no one special. I’m just someone who can play the cello well. 

Hokuto knew it was futile for him to try to listen from Taiga’s soundproof living room, but he couldn’t sit still. How much did Masaki-san hear? How much did Taiga hear? It was crazy of him to just blurt out “I like you” and of course, he had to do it in the hallway where everyone could just pass by. 

What would you think of me now?

He immediately went into “damage control” mode. He rewound his last conversation with Taiga and he didn’t finish his sentence, he only went as far as “I like…” and “I like” could mean a lot of things. He thought of the most logical reason on why he would say, “I was jealous because I like-”, and he realized that the most logical reason was really because he likes Taiga, or if he wanted to be irrational, he could say that he still likes his ex, which would be madness. 

He moved to his door to listen for any sounds that his neighbor’s door was opening. He didn’t know how long he waited until he heard what he had been waiting for. He stayed put and waited until he heard retreating footsteps before he took a deep breath and opened his door. 

“Oh-!” He exclaimed, seeing Taiga leaning by the wall, his arms crossed. “Y-your dad has left?” 

“Have you been waiting by your door?” 

“No,” he replied, the shrill in his voice betrayed him. “Actually, I’m on my way out,” he added. 

“Didn’t you just arrive?” 

“Can’t I go out again if I just arrived?” 

“Well…you can,” Taiga said bashfully. “I just thought you might want to continue our conversation before my father arrived.” 

Hokuto frowned, pretending to be thinking it through. “Ah, I sort of forgot what we’re talking about,” he shamelessly lied, while scratching his temple. 

Hokuto thought Taiga looked disappointed for a bit as he replied, “Forgot? I guess it’s not that important,” he said heavily and wordlessly returned to his apartment. 

“One moment you almost blurt out your feelings, and in another, you revert to your cowardly self,” he murmured, wanting to bang his head repeatedly on the wall. 

He got what he wanted, and he was able to avoid that conversation with Taiga, but he knew he would never be able to rest easy. Now that he finally admitted to his feelings, it would be a matter of time before he burst like a dam.

2019 July 11,

 

They say a food would taste differently depending on your mood when you eat it. What was my mood when I first tasted Nanaya’s Matcha Ice Cream? Well, it was the first time I won a competition, my parents bought it as a treat. I felt like I was on top of the world and Nanaya’s ice cream made me feel like I was transported to the green tea fields of Shizuoka. It was raw and intense. The taste of victory.

 

Now that I’m having the same gelato while being down and weary, it didn’t taste the same. Is it my mood, or because the quality has plunged a bit? Or maybe I tried a different intensity before? I just learned that there are 7 levels of Nanaya’s gelato. 7 intensities! I wonder which one I tasted back then? Which one gave me the taste of victory? I bought a cup of each matcha intensity, will I ever find out which one is it? 

 

It has always been Nanaya’s Premium Gelato No. 7 for Hokuto. He liked it the first time as a middle-school kid in Shizuoka and he has liked it ever since. For the first time, the journal’s writer had something that Hokuto was not only more familiar with, he felt like he had more authority with. He didn’t bother buying all matcha intensities, and settled on No. 7, and hoped that the number would give him some much-needed luck. 

The journal’s writer didn’t mention which Nanaya branch he went to, Hokuto assumed that it would probably just be in Tokyo, so he went out of his way and returned to his hometown. It didn’t matter how many branches Nanaya had, but the taste of his hometown would always be the most delicious and memorable. The journal writer was right in one thing, food tastes differently depending on one’s mood, and while he brood as he walked the length of Horai-bashi , No. 7 tasted salty rather than intense, a bit more like his tears. 

He was being unnecessarily dramatic again, just because he hasn’t seen Taiga, just because Jesse had rejected all his side commentaries for the journal entries, and back to Taiga again whom he thinks has been avoiding him since that day. He sighed and ate a chunk of his gelato, uncaring of the brain freeze that followed because he deserved it. Here he was, assuming the worst of Taiga yet again when he could just be insanely busy. Maybe he should busy himself too, so he wouldn’t think of nonsensical things. 

He walked aimlessly while his mind decided to torture him with questions. Why does Taiga bother him so much? Does he like Taiga because he’s curious? Does he like Taiga because he thinks he is the journal’s owner and he pinned to him a persona he imagined him to be? Or does he like Taiga because just like the journal, he came like a savior? Was it all a superhero syndrome? 

He stopped in his tracks when he saw his “superhero” staring back at him, his eyes wide with surprise, while he bit a mini spoon, and that was when Hokuto realized that just like him, Taiga was eating Nanaya’s gelato. 

He waved hesitantly to Taiga, who waved back with reluctance as well. He walked closer toward Taiga, not because he was excited that he finally saw him, but it only made sense because Taiga was at the end of the bridge, while he was in the middle. Moreover, does Taiga being here conclusive proof that he owned the journal?

“Hey! I didn’t expect to see you here,” Taiga said while he was busy arguing with himself.

“Same,” he said, and pointed to the common thing they have, “and we’re both having Nanaya’s matcha.” 

“Yeah…no. 7?” 

Hokuto nodded. “One and only. Yours?”

Taiga smiled. “No. 5.” 

Hokuto felt like everything else moved in slow motion as he asked, “I don’t think I ever had No. 5, why do you like that?” 

“I like the tanginess of it. Sour and bitter. Does that sound like a weird combi?”

Hokuto shook his head, he hated to admit that he was a bit disappointed not hearing from Taiga the answer he wanted, the way the journal owner described the taste of No.5. Maybe he should stop. No. He really should stop associating Taiga with the faceless and nameless owner of the journal. Taiga and the journal’s owner are two different people. 

“Can I have a bit of your no.7?” 

Hokuto nodded and allowed Taiga to take a small scoop. 

“Mmmm…bold and rich, exactly how I remembered it.” 

“I get that you’re not a fan?” 

Taiga shook his head. “Me? I’m not a fan but I like it. No. 7 is perfection. It’s like matcha in the state of Nirvana.” 

Hokuto swallowed a lump in his throat, his heart thudded against his ribs, while Taiga continued, “But that’s also the reason I prefer no.5. I don’t want perfection, it's overpowering, the expectations high, and when expectations are high, it could leave a trail of disappointments.” 

…the caffeine rush is high after I finish 7 scoops of matcha ice cream. Each one of them tasted as good as the one I had in my childhood. However, I don’t think I’ll be able to recreate the one I had as a kid who won his first competition. It would never taste the same again. Not because the quality has changed, but because I’m the one who changed. My taste and perspective have changed. Almost everyone in the shop would buy No.7, it has always been highly recommended, and for that reason, I don’t like it. Sounds petty, right? What could a matcha have done to me to deserve being unfavored? But you see, I was once a favorite, a front-runner, and someone that’s always been highly recommended. The feeling of high was good until I hit the low. Everyone who called me their favorite dropped me like a hot potato. For a similar petty reason why I prefer No.5. It’s never a favorite, it’s something that was just probably added to reach 7 intensities, No.5 would always be the twilight of matcha, a period after the milky and creaminess and before the thick and richness. A period of waning and ambiguity where no one expects anything. 

“Kyomoto…”

Taiga glanced back, they’d been at the roadside trying to hail a taxi for a while.

“Yes?” 

“I…I want to continue where we left off, the one before your father arrived.” 

“You want to continue that here?” Taiga asked dubiously as a huge truck sped by, while in the background, a group of tourists neared their direction, and they seemed to be heading to Horai Bridge behind them. 

Hokuto hesitated but in the end, he nodded his head with determination. “I need to say it now.”

“Okay, what do you want to say?”

“I like you,” he said as quickly as possible, but not as quickly as a passing 18-wheeler truck that drowned out his voice.

“Sorry. I didn’t quite catch it.” 

Hokuto sighed. “I said, I like -” he paused as another truck passed by before he shouted, “I like you!” 

The roadside became filled with “oooh!”. Someone giggled, someone whistled, someone clapped, someone even snapped a picture, and Hokuto could only clench his fist while he wished the ground would swallow him whole as he waited for the tourists to pass by them. He could feel his entire face red and he couldn’t even look at Taiga, whom he wished wasn’t looking at him too. When he finally had the courage to look up, Taiga had been waiting for him with an open door. 

“Taxi's here, get in,” Taiga said and Hokuto could only nod and get in after Taiga.   

…would there come a time when my taste would change again? Maybe, or definitely. 

2019 July 13,  

 

I finally told my parents that I’m leaving for Europe, and as expected, my dad and I had a huge row. It made me think if my parents think that aside from music, I amount to nothing. That I can’t even cook a fucking rice? Did they think that I was so pampered that I couldn’t even wash my underwear? I should be mad. I want to be mad. But maybe my therapy sessions have started working, and I began to look at it from a different perspective. Maybe my parents thought of me that way because I never gave them a reason to think otherwise. They will always look at me as their spoiled little rich son, who's good with music and nothing else. That’s why I’m more convinced that I should leave home. I’m doing this not just for my parents to see a different side of me, but I’m also doing this for myself because I want to see what a man I will become. 

 

“Is he your new boyfriend?” 

Hokuto shut his eyes and counted to 10. “No, and you asked that question 10 times already…mom,” he said through clenched teeth. 

“There’s no need to be shy, your father and I are okay with it.”

“And I’m grateful for you accepting me, but no, he’s not my boyfriend,” he reiterated as he increased the water pressure while he rinsed the dishes. He still couldn’t believe he was back in his parent's home, but what was more astounding was that he arrived with Taiga. One moment Taiga was asking why he went all the way to Shizuoka for Nanaya, he said that Shizuoka is his hometown, and the next thing he knew, Taiga instructed the taxi driver to drive them to his parent’s place. 

“Not…yet?” His mother teased and he grew red again. 

“Stop it, Mom, I could be rejected.”

“Oh! So you’ve confessed?”

Hokuto could only nod and sighed. “I think he chose to go here so it wouldn’t be too awkward if he rejects me, or at least I can cry my heart out here.”

His mother simply “Tch!” and slapped him on the back. “He won’t get out of our home alive if he rejects you.”

“Mom!” He said with horror. 

His mom chuckled and took the dishes from him. “We installed a dishwasher a long time ago, you should have used that. Your father just sliced a watermelon, go give it to your boyfriend.”

“Mom! He’s not-”

“Just go!”

Hokuto left the dishes to his mother while he took the watermelon sliced by his father, who whispered, “Ganbatte!” as he went to the porch where Taiga was admiring a couple of fireflies. 

“I don’t see any fireflies in Tokyo,” Taiga said when he sat beside him. 

Hokuto looked pitifully at the couple of fireflies, who probably got lost or so. “There’s no need to be excited at a couple of suicidal fireflies,” he joked, handing Taiga a slice of watermelon. Hokuto still couldn’t look at him, so he turned his attention to suicidal fireflies, who were gone in just the blink of his eye.

“What did you do? Where are the fireflies?” Taiga asked in an accusing tone. 

“Why are you asking me? Maybe those weren’t really fireflies but bugs that glowed?” 

“Did you kill them with a watermelon seed? Like a sniper?” 

“I haven’t even started eating,” he said, picking up a watermelon and showing it to Taiga, before taking a huge bite that the juices flowed from his lips. 

Taiga smiled. “Nice to see you can finally look at me.” 

Hokuto paused, his eyes not breaking contact with Taiga, while he chewed the watermelon slowly. 

“You asked me earlier why I went all the way here to eat an ice cream, how about you? What made you go all the way here in Shizuoka?”

“Ah, that. I met with Kouchi and Jesse for breakfast and I asked them to go to Nanaya with me for dessert. Both of them declined, but Jesse told me that it tastes best if I’ll go to Nanaya here in Shizuoka. I’m free anyway so I went.” 

“I see,” he said, nodding and thinking that there was nothing innocent with Jesse suggesting to Taiga that, after all, Jesse knew he would be going to Shizuoka. 

“Do you think your boss purposely directed me here?” 

Hokuto shrugged. “I don’t know what goes into his mind most of the time,” he said and continued eating. 

“I believe I told you this before…”

“What?” Hokuto asked. 

“That until I retire, my heart only belongs to my music.” 

Hokuto swallowed hard. He probably swallowed some seeds, but well, fuck it. His body might as well grow watermelons as he braced for Taiga’s rejection. But pride must have left his body, as he said, “I can wait. I’m not in a hurry.”

“But I don’t want you to wait.”

“Oh!” was all Hokuto could say as the pair of suicidal fireflies returned, making him shift his focus so Taiga couldn’t see the threat of tears in his eyes. 

“My favorite composer had a glowing musical career,” Taiga continued, oblivious that Hokuto was close to joining the fireflies to their deaths.  

“But his marriage life was miserable, his wife hated his music, so he took in mistresses, both of whom shared his passion for music.” 

Hokuto nodded. He should at least play the part of being a good listener, even though he barely understood what Taiga was saying, because he was too busy listening to his heart cracking. 

“God is still fair. You really can’t have everything. And I experienced it first-hand with Mei. I experienced losing more than love that affected me physiologically, I couldn’t even play.”

Hokuto sighed. He would soon experience being “affected physiologically” and he recalled that his ex called him the other day to say that he and Mei have patched things up.

“I blamed everything on Mei, on heartbreak, on my parents, on the critics, because I’m such a hypocrite to accept that something like love brought me down to my knees.” 

Hokuto sighed once more. He couldn’t agree more. Love always had him on his knees. 

Taiga let out a deep breath and continued, “I told myself I don’t want to go through that anymore. I’m going to be loyal to my music.” 

“Go fuck your music then,” Hokuto muttered under his breath while his eyes remained on the fireflies. His vision might be so clouded by tears that the soft glow of fireflies seemed to be multiplying. 

“Until…I got to know you better.” 

“Hmmm?” He turned his head so fast, it was a miracle it didn’t snap. 

“I was hoping to stay indifferent, minding my own business, but you were like an unfamiliar tune I once heard, you keep playing in my head, until I have no choice but to find that tune.”

Did he ever say to Taiga to go fuck his music? He’d be his music then. 

“I told you earlier that I don’t want you to wait because I also don’t want to wait.” 

“Kyomo-”

“But I’m also like a piece of music, an unfinished one, made haphazardly on the back of a notebook, I’m a lot of work.” 

“I don’t know much about music, but isn’t that better? We could work on it together.”

Taiga simply smiled, the plate of watermelon between them gone as he pulled Taiga closer, and they watched fireflies dance in the night. 

… do I have an image of the man I want to become? Honestly, no. I always thought that I wanted to be like Haydn, his life revolved mostly around music. He practically married his music. He had a shitty marriage, and he took on a string of lovers, but his musical career just continued to flourish. I always wonder, was he happy? Did music satisfy him the way love couldn’t?  I don’t know what I will become, but I hope I will be happy. 

2019 July 14,

 

If I think of Europe, I think of cheese, which sounded ignorant but it’s the same way when people think of sushi when it’s about Japan. Ahhh, I think I’m generalizing it too much, after all, Europe is a continent and not just one country. 

 

Anyway, back to cheese, I had a bad experience with a cheese platter back in Blue Danube, but I’m willing to give it another chance. After all, Blue Danube’s forte is never the food. I ordered Gentil’s “Cheese Tray of the Day'', their resident cheese expert, Kubota-san, was nice enough to tell me about the cheeses she prepared; a 4 month-old Brie de Meaux from France, Gorgonzola Dolce from Italy, 2 yrs old Chevre Noir from Canada, and a 6 months old Raclette from Hokkaido. Before I start saying something stupid, like, “oh, the cheeses also have age?”, she recommended a white wine to pair with the cheese and a sweets platter to counter the saltiness. The sweets platter was served in miniature sizes, I have to poke them to make sure they were real and not like those miniature foods they put on display. I hate to admit that I was more excited to eat the sweets platter, they are more appetizing to look at from the decadent but itsy slice of chocolate cake, a dainty portion of creme brulee, to a piece of strawberry and a cube of mikan, and two tiny scoops of sorbets that were the size of my eyes. Nonetheless, I decided to continue what I came here for and  pretend that I know what I’m doing. 

 

I started with the Brie, which was surprisingly creamy and tasted a bit like almonds. I washed it off with wine and moved to the Gorgonzola, it was crumbly when I poked it, and I quickly followed it with the chocolate cake. Gorgonzola tasted like a farm field. Does that sound weird? Haha. But it was the first image that came to my mind, it was earthy and salty. I moved to Chevre Noir, goat’s cheese according to Kubota-san, and instantly favored it. It was nutty and almost caramelly, something that I would want on top of my toast. Speaking of toast, the raclette came on top of toast, and unlike the other cheeses that were sliced, the raclette was served melted on top of the toast. I immediately knew I would like it, after all, cheese tasted better when melted. The moment I bite onto the toast, the subtle mélange of flavors almost made me moan. I liked it so much, I made a mental note to buy a whole one after this. 

 

I forced myself to finish my cheese platter, I didn’t extend my stay in Shizuoka just to waste good money. Except for the Raclette and Chevre Noir, I don’t think I would want another cheese platter anytime soon. Well, not when I’m alone. I realized this while my eyes traveled to the other customers, all of whom were seemingly savoring their cheeses, and all of them were with someone. Some as a couple, while the other in a group. A cheese tray is meant to be eaten with someone, it is meant to be shared while you chat about your lives. 

 

When was the last time I dined out with someone? Ever since I started this food journal, I don’t think I ever ate with someone. Although it did help that I got to focus on the food more, somehow…somehow…I also missed having conversations with someone over food.

 

“Was it so good that you can’t wipe that grin off your face?” 

“Cut him some slack, he hasn’t had one for years. Wanna bet how many rounds they did?” 

“Nah, I’m not that interested.” 

“Won’t stop me from asking, Hokuto…Hokuto…Hokuto!”

Hokuto slapped his cheeks and focused his eyes on Juri. “Sorry, did I doze off?” 

“You were wide awake,” Shintaro said, smirking. “But you weren’t really with us.” 

“We understand,” Juri said with a compassionate tone. “You’ve been sex-starved for so long, the fireworks must have been like New Year's Eve.”

Hokuto chuckled at Juri’s insinuation, before asking them, “Have you ever liked someone so much that simply looking at their face, staring at them for hours, makes you the happiest person on earth?”

Shintaro’s jaw dropped, while Juri grabbed a bin and pretended to empty the contents of his stomach. 

Hokuto merely smiled like a loony and opened his phone. Taiga sent him a message that he reached Osaka safely and attached a selfie of him and the Maestro. He wouldn’t be seeing Taiga for 2 days, he’d gone straight to Osaka from his hometown, because he and the Maestro would be checking-out venues for the proposed additional Osaka tour dates of their concerto. 

His parents proved to be supportive of his love life. They weren’t coy and told them to share a bed instead of bringing out a futon. The same bed that he used back in high school looked so small with two adult men on it. They had to lay sideways for some room, so they slept on their side while facing each other. Words left them, they just gazed at each other until they fell asleep. When Hokuto woke up, his body was sore from being in the same position, while Taiga was still fast asleep, so he let himself admire his beauty before waking him up. Falling asleep and waking up with Taiga beside him gave him peace in the midst of the chaos he didn’t even realize existed. 

“Hokuto!”

Hokuto was startled to hear Jesse’s voice. “Oh, Jess, when did you get here?”

“I’ve been here for an hour,” said Jesse with sarcasm and handed him a folder. “Shall we start the meeting?” 

…maybe it’s time to find someone to eat with. 

“That’s it for today, let’s meet again tomorrow-” Jesse paused as Shintaro loudly cleared his throat, “-which is also Shintaro’s birthday and he’ll be having a birthday bash as Crosta. Meeting adjourned.” 

Hokuto stayed while everyone left and brought another copy of the journal to give to Jesse. “Uhm, I was a bit inspired on my way here, so I revised all my notes up until July 13th. I hope you find it more objective and less of a romanticist.” 

“Nice,” Jesse replied, perusing the pages with a smile. “So have you asked him?”

Hokuto smiled widely, feeling flush. “I did. We’re dating now.”

Jesse laughed softly. “My fault, my question wasn't clear. Have you asked him about the journal?” 

From a slight flush, Hokuto could feel his face turn beet red from embarrassment. “Sorry. My mind is still in a daze.”

“It’s fine.”

“About the journal.” He let out a deep sigh, he dreaded this more than confessing his feelings. “I haven’t asked him and I haven’t told him that we’re planning to publish the journal.” 

“What are your plans then?”

“Can you give me a bit more time?” 

“Of course, but can you do this?” 

“I can,” he said. “I can,” he repeated with more resolve. 

… Will I be able to enjoy the food more if I eat with someone? Or will I enjoy the company of someone more than the food? Or better yet, will I enjoy it equally?

2019 July 15,

 

Did I order a milk tea with additional tapioca? Or did I order tapioca with additional milk tea? My mouth is full of tapioca with each sip, not that I’m complaining, but it’s not good when you’re insanely thirsty, I want my thirst to be quenched and not spend seconds having to chew. But again, I’m not complaining, I’ll choose tapioca over plain milk tea anytime!

 

“Happy birthday, Shintaro!” They all exclaimed after singing an abysmal “Happy Birthday” song, and before presenting him with a blackout chocolate cake. 

“Bro,” Juri said. “I haven’t brought you a present, but always remember that you make me so happy just by looking at you-”

“Shut up!” Hokuto bellowed, feeling his entire face turn red while Juri and Shintaro guffawed. He really shouldn’t have said that. Juri would never let it rest. 

“Don’t mind it,” Jesse said, lightly pinching his already reddened cheek, “they just find you too cute. Quite a full house we have,” he added, directing his comment to the birthday boy. 

“Of course, I have to make a splash,” said Shintaro with a grin. Hokuto made a sweeping view of the restaurant they were in, and not only everyone from the publishing house was there, but Shintaro also invited all authors under him as well as bookstore owners who display their books. 

“Way to have a birthday party and a networking night as well,” Hokuto commented. 

“This is also like a thanksgiving party, I owe it to you and to everyone here why Roppongi Class reached second…and even third printing.”  

Jesse and he gave him a pat on the back, while Juri had already started doing his own kind of networking, which mostly involved flirting. Shintaro also excused himself to tend to his other guests. 

“You’ll get one soon,” Jesse said, giving him a knowing look. 

Hokuto sighed. He didn’t want to go emo on such a happy occasion. “You know that ‘second printing’ was never my goal. I really just want my writers’ stories to be read.”

Jesse agreed. “I know that.”

“But I admit I started wanting it, a bestseller. A dream born out of jealousy.” 

“And there’s nothing wrong with it, it doesn't make you less of an agent or a person.” 

Hokuto sighed once more. “I still don’t know what I would do if he refused.” 

“Maybe you should talk to him about that dream of yours.”

Hokuto smiled sadly. “I hated to admit that it’s one of the reasons why I asked for a bit of time. I’m afraid he might doubt my feelings once I tell him what I want to do with the journal. And I can’t blame him, I want to achieve something at his expense.”

“Are we really sure he’s the owner though?” 

Hokuto nodded with conviction. “I’m sure. He is Haydn.” 

…I was still chewing and still trying to finish my tapioca drink when my agency’s CEO arrived. They signed me up when I was only 9 years old. I'll be turning 25 this December, and after almost 3 decades, it’s time to move on. They’ve already approved my request for contract termination, and I had ambivalent feelings because I’m ending the contract at such a troubled time. Despite this, I’m pretty sure they’re grateful that I’m the one who ended it, not only they’d be getting a hefty sum as my penalty, but they could finally wash their hands off me. 

 

My soon-to-be-former CEO glanced at my tapioca with mild disdain, while the two little girls with her gawked at it with envy. She said that she won’t be doing an exit interview, but perhaps, I could leave my kouhai some wise words. The girls looked at me as a figure of authority, I told them that instead of giving them advice, they could ask me a question instead. One of them asked what was the hardest piece I had to play. That was easy, I answered “Cello Concerto No.1 by Haydn”, aka my recent failure. The other girl asked a more profound question that made me pause for a bit, she asked me what was the hardest part of achieving my dreams, and my answer made them all frown when I said that the hardest part of achieving my dreams is having hope.

  “Y-you’re back?” 

“Surprise?” Taiga said with a smile, before entering his apartment, and handing him a paper bag. “Here’s some Tenten gyoza from - did you just get home as well?” 

“I did. It’s my colleague’s birthday, Shintaro? You’ve met him before.” 

“Yes. I remember him. Can I have some water?” He asked sweetly.

Hokuto dashed to his fridge to get water. “I thought you won’t be arriving until tomorrow, did Maestro arrive with you?”

“Nope. He’s still in Osaka,” he said and drank the water straight. “Ahhh, that hits the spot. Anyway, I returned a day earlier because I definitely don’t want to spend another night with that jerk Ootori.”

“Ootori was with you?” He said with the same level of distaste as Taiga. 

“I’m surprised as well,” said Taiga, taking another swig of water, “he arrived yesterday, because he has a show today, and he didn’t like the hotel given to him by the promoters so he slept in our room.”

“Huh?!” From the first time they met, Hokuto knew he didn’t like Ootori. How dare he slept in the same room as Taiga?

“Yeah. I didn’t get a wink last night because it's like having a surround sound around me, the Maestro and that jerk were practically having a competition to see who snored the loudest.” 

“You should sleep early tonight then,” Hokuto suggested innocently. 

“Yep, so can I sleep here?”

“Why here? I think your place is quieter because you had it soundproof,” he suggested more innocently. 

“Ah…yeah…” Taiga replied dourly. “Goodnight then.”

Hokuto couldn’t help but chuckle as he chased Taiga back. “I’m just kidding,” he said, hugging Taiga from behind. He smelled of late-night summer heat and commuter trains. 

“Glad you’re back, I really miss you.” 

Taiga turned around, locking his arms around his waist. “I miss you too. Ootori was just an excuse. I just want to see you. Although he is still a jerk.”

Hokuto smiled, brushing his nose on Taiga, feeling him breathe on his lips and his heartbeat on his chest. Taiga really makes him calm. 

He didn’t want to admit to Jesse earlier, but if Taiga refused to have his journal published, Hokuto would give it up. Having a bestseller is important for him, but it would also be for naught if Taiga is not with him. Choosing Taiga over his career is easy, there would be other stories, but Taiga is the only one. 

“It’s hot, why don’t we take a shower first?” Hokuto suggested, not so  innocently.

…having hope is a promise that there is always tomorrow. But when is tomorrow? It could take a day, a week, a month, years, a decade, and even more than a decade. Tomorrow isn’t even a guarantee as hope and our time are not infinite. That’s why having hope is hard. It’s agonizing. It even makes you doubt everything. But we have to cling to hope, because it’s the only thing that keeps our dreams alive. 

2019 July 20, 

 

Five days after my contract termination, I’m on the hunt for a new agent. It might be premature since what’s the guarantee I’ll have a career in Europe? Nevertheless, I decided to meet this agent over a bowl of the spiciest curry in Jinbocho. 

Hokuto thought he was good with the heat, but a spoonful of Ethiopia’s curry with a spiciness level of 70 made him see hell and heaven. He couldn’t even tell what part of it was curry, it was like scooping lava and hoping it would eventually cool down. He ate the boiled potato that was served separately, and slowly the heat dissipated, but everything else still burned. 

“This is level 1,” the attendant told him, wincing upon seeing his face. Hokuto didn’t want to see his face, he would definitely look like a cross between cray and misery. Where did he get the confidence that he could take on their curry level 70? 

“You just had a boyfriend, are you having problems now? Why are you being suicidal?”

Hokuto forgot that he came with Shintaro, who managed to eat half of his level 6 curry. 

“We’re good,” Hokuto assured him, which was also the truth. His days and nights with Taiga had been smooth sailing, so smooth that he wondered if this was what they call “the calm before the storm”. 

“I’m back doing the food journal, I have to work double-time because I missed some days, I even have to go back to Shizuoka this weekend,” he said and started tasting the level 1 curry. 

“This is better,” he said with relief. Ethiopia’s curry is a bit soupy compared to what he was used to, but he loved the mild sweetness to it, mixed with the zesty richness of the spices. 

“Why don’t you ask Kyomoto to go with you?” 

Hokuto flinched as he jotted down some notes. “That will be hard. I mean, I still don’t want to be found out. Not yet.” 

“Are you guys living together now?” 

“Sort of, he’s mostly at my place, and he only stays at his place when he needs to practice. Why did you ask?” 

Shintaro shrugged. “Why don’t you try searching his apartment for the journal, then you corner him to admit it?”

Hokuto bit his lower lip out of guilt. “I actually thought of that, but that would be really low of me.” 

“How did that journal come to you anyway? Where did you pick it up?” 

Hokuto’s eyes lit up, surprised. “Isn’t it weird that you’re the first person who asked me that? I’d better add that to my intro because it’s very interesting how I found the journal,” he said, gulping a glass of water, “I just moved into my new apartment, I was feeling shitty because two of my writers just quit because even after the rona , sales of their work remained abysmal. Then, my fave writer terminated his contract and moved to a bigger publisher, whom we both know managed to make his work a hit, something that I never achieved. Furthermore, Jesse announced that we were in the red and we needed a big client to lift us up. And oh, my little brother got married and even though it was not needed, he felt like he had to apologize for getting married first, and my relatives started setting me up on a blind date. They wouldn’t stop until I told them I would only go on those blind dates if they were with a man. So my sexuality came out in the open, most of them weren’t happy, but my parents stood by my side,” he narrated, sighing upon recalling those turbulent months, which he thought would have no end.

“Overall, I was not having the best time of my life so I decided to Marie Kondo my apartment, and saw that the previous tenant left a small box of some stuff. I called her up, but she told me that those weren’t hers, it was her ex-boyfriend’s, and asked me to throw everything away. There were some books written in a language I couldn’t understand, and underneath those books was the journal, which was surprisingly written in Japanese. From the opening lines alone, the writer caught me.”   

Shintaro nodded with awe. “Love at first read, huh?”

Hokuto simply smiled. “More or like, misery loves company, right? That was how I saw the journal. A companion in my own darkest times.” 

“Well, I’m glad it worked out for you.” 

“What do you mean?”

“You’re having the best of both worlds. You have Kyomoto in his past and present.”

Hokuto smiled longingly. “And hopefully, future, if I don’t fuck this up.” 

…it was wrong to choose a curry place for a meeting. The curry was great, but the conversation was not. In fact, no conversation happened when both of us were trying to cool our tongues. Despite that, I think I want to take this man as my agent. Why? He chose spiciness level 70, yep, 70! If he has enough gumption to take on level 70 then, I’m positive he would survive being my agent. We’re going to be working together for a long time. 

Hokuto slightly opened his eyes when he felt his bed sag, followed by Taiga laying beside him. 

“Did I wake you?” Taiga whispered, pulling him into his arms.

“What time is it?” He murmured, burying his nose in the hollow of Taiga’s neck. 

“Past 1, I think.” 

“Otsukare,” he said. Taiga had been sleeping at the same time each time he would practice. 

“Sorry.” 

“Hmmm? Why are you apologizing?” He asked, trying to focus his sleepy eyes while he gazed up. 

“Well, I’ve been really busy. I don't think I’ve done my job as your boyfriend.”

Hokuto chuckled, sleep slowly leaving him. “Are you serious, it’s not a job.” 

“Whatever. I’ll make you breakfast this weekend.”

“You wake up around 10 or 11.”

“That’s still breakfast,” he insisted. “What do you want?”

Hokuto scrunched his face. “I’d rather if you don’t cook at all.”

“Eh? You don’t like my cooking,” he accused, looking hurt. 

“I love your cooking,” he said, even though Taiga only cooked once. “But you make too much of a mess. You used 2 pans, a lot of maredash mini bowls, 2 mixing bowls, and 2 plates for your mushroom and goat cheese omelet with an avocado smash.” 

“Isn’t that normal? They used more stuff in cooking shows.”

“We’re not in a cooking show. Most people sliced their ingredients and just left them on the side of their chopping board; they didn't put them in separate bowls, and I ended up washing everything.” 

Taiga snarky smiled. “Awww, no need to complain, I love watching you wash the dishes.”

Hokuto cocked an eyebrow. “Really?”

Taiga nodded. “My favorite part is when you rolled up your sleeves, then you asked me to remove your watch,” he said, running his fingers on his exposed arm, “and when you started soaping and scrubbing, the veins on your arms just popped up,” he said, smacking his lips, “I think I might have a fetish with arm veins.” 

Hokuto smirked. “I have more interesting veins,” he teased, drawing his face close to Taiga as he giggled knowingly. “But you have to remove more than my watch.” Hokuto kissed Taiga softly. Sleep completely left him as he gently sucked on Taiga’s lips. 

“As much as I want you, you need to sleep.”  

They both chuckled as Hokuto pulled Taiga onto his chest. “Sleep, my love,” he murmured, while he mildly tapped Taiga’s back. Under the silvery glow of the quarter moon, he watched Taiga drift to sleep along with the rise and fall of his chest. 

He pushed away everything that had been worrying him and focused on this moment. He hoped he could make this last, this twilight zone where he and Taiga weren’t affected by anything, where everything else looked dreamy, and where he could say that they only belong to each other. 

…I’m pretty sure there’s curry in Europe. But I’m not taking any chances, I will be bringing two suitcases, and one would be nothing but instant curry. 

2019 July 31,  

 

I finally decided that I’ll be going back to Vienna, which is really a no-brainer since that’s where I studied and where my favorite composer lived. Because of this, I needed to brush up my German. 

 

“Ich komme zurecht” has become my go-to phrase lately, and coincidentally it resonates with what has been going on in my life.  Like, I paid 3 million yen to my former agency for breaking my contract - ich komme zurecht. I also paid a million yen for a 6 months lease to my preferred apartment in Vienna - ich komme zurecht. In short, I lost 4 million yen in less than a week, but still, ich komme zurech! 

 

I’ve lost millions and two events that booked me to play were canceled - ich komme zurecht. I suspect that my former agency is behind this since I was replaced by one of their artists - ich komme zurecht. That lousy critic has already written that I left my agency and to my horror, she wrote that I made my agency lose millions because of my underwhelming performance, when it was my agency who earned millions from me! But whatever, ich komme zurecht! 

 

I shared this with my therapist in our session today and she laughed so hard, she had tears in her eyes. She asked me if I’ve always spoken this way because I sounded like Austria’s former dictator neighbor. Huh? However I sound like, I can manage. 

 

It all started with a text from an unknown number, followed by a rushed and whispered call, then, Taiga started going home a bit late, not every day, but every Tuesday and Thursday, he would be arriving around 9 instead of his usual 7. 

Hokuto loathes thinking that Taiga could be seeing someone else. He couldn’t even call it for what it is - cheating. 

“What did the text say?” Shintaro asked. 

“I didn’t expect you’ll be contacting me after all these years, sure, let’s meet later. I’ll send you my new address,” he narrated. 

“Could be anyone,” Juri said, shrugging.

“There’s a whiff of a woman in that text,” he insisted. 

“Whiff of a woman?” Shintaro repeated, shaking his head. “You can’t smell a text message.” 

“Nah, you can tell it came from a woman. We, men, would just reply with, ‘okay’ and will give the address. It could have only come from a woman.” 

“What about the phone call?” Juri asked. 

“Taiga went to the balcony to answer the call, but I heard it clearly, ‘Is twice a week okay?’, then he’d been coming home late every Tuesday and Thursday.” 

“Doesn’t sound like cheating to me, who schedules cheating?” Juri said and they looked curiously at him.

“Might be hard to believe but I never cheated,” he said and drank his lager. 

“I agree with Juri though, doesn’t sound like cheating to me, but he is indeed hiding something from you. Uhm, I hate not being able to fully trust someone, but have you tried asking those who were in the concerto with him?”

Hokuto winced and nodded. “Yes, I actually asked his ex-girlfriend.” 

“Oh! Your ex’s wife?” Juri exclaimed. “What did she say?”

“Well, I didn’t ask her directly. I only asked if Taiga seemed to be distracted during their rehearsals and so, and she said that she noticed Taiga seemed frustrated each time he had to play Cello Concerto no.1 .”

“No idea what that is,” said Juri, “but is he making lots of mistakes or something?” 

“Actually, Taiga sent me a clip before of him playing solo, and I think it sounds wonderful,” he said and played the clip for Shintaro and Juri to listen to. Hokuto automatically closed his eyes and let the strings of the cello sway him to Taiga’s world. 

“I don’t know much about classical music, but that sounds perfect!” Juri mused. “And he’s frustrated by that kind of playing? Your man is at an insane level of perfectionism.” 

Hokuto sighed and closed the clip. Cello Concerto No.1 had been mentioned a few times in the journal, both of which weren’t good, and he wondered if Taiga’s 2019 problem about the said piece had resurfaced. 

Shintaro snapped his fingers. “If I could hazard a guess, perhaps, the one he’s meeting every Tuesday and Thursday…is a cello instructor!”

“That could be it!” Juri agreed. “You should apologize to him, you already thought that he might be cheating when he was actually having a hard time.”

Hokuto felt like a complete ass with what Juri said. But he still felt a bit peeved, he knew he had limited knowledge when it comes to classical music, but couldn’t Taiga even share what he’d been struggling with? Why be so secretive? 

Shintaro placed an arm around him. “Talk to him, you never know, he might just be waiting for you to ask as well.” 

… the apartment where I paid a million yen for my lease turned out to be a scam! Still I can say, ich komme zurecht!

“Something wrong?” Taiga asked while they ate dinner. “You kept on glancing at me? Is there something on my face?” 

Hokuto shook his head. “No, it’s just that you’re too pretty for someone who’s obviously pissed,” he said carefully. He didn’t want to add anything to Taiga’s stress, even though he, too, had been stressed after his meeting with Jesse. His boss informed him that he now had a target date for the journal’s book release; it would be in November, and Jesse decided on the date after he learned that another publishing house would be releasing a cookbook of a famous YouTube chef, and worse, Masaki-san would also be releasing his autobiography around that time. 

Taiga scrunched up his face, a habit he noticed every time he gets embarrassed. “It’s hard to remain pissed after hearing that.” 

Hokuto smiled and discreetly transferred the cherry tomatoes to Taiga’s plate. He doesn’t like them, but he won’t be telling Taiga those things yet. 

“It’s my dad. Remember his autobiography?”

Hokuto nodded glumly, recalling again the deadline Jesse had given him. 

“He said he wrote 2 chapters about me, 2 chapters!” He repeated with ire.

Hokuto swallowed hard, the displease in Taiga’s voice scared him. He began to wonder how Taiga would react once he learned what Hokuto was about to do with his journal. He tried to make light of it by saying, “I’m sure your dad was just proud of you. Parents love to boast about their kids.” 

“But I don’t like it. Can’t he boast about me, privately?” He muttered. “He argued that my story might inspire other aspiring cellists, and I’m like, if they want to be inspired then they should listen to my music instead of reading about me.”

“But maybe, there are other stories about you that someone will find inspiring.” 

“Like what?” Taiga asked, frowning. 

“Like…” He hesitated to answer and realized that aside from those he read in the journal, which he believed to be Taiga’s own words, he didn’t know that much about Taiga. “...other stuff, you know, so will you allow your dad to tell a bit of your story?” He asked, hoping his changing of the topic was smooth. 

“I'm still against it, but he said he will give me the draft, and told me that I can take out anything I don’t like. I think the entire draft will be in black.”

“Will you let me read it?” He asked excitedly. “As a book editor, of course.” 

Taiga grinned. “I’ll let you read it after I’m done with it. So you’ll be reading the edited version, are you okay with that?” 

“No,” he replied, “I don’t want an edited version, I want to know everything about you.” 

“Then, ask me. Ask the original source instead of relying on what others have written about me.” 

Hokuto swallowed hard. “Then, if I may ask you a question…”

“Go ahead.” 

“Who are you meeting with every Tuesday and Thursday?” 

“How did you know that?”

“And…did you ever write a food journal back in 2019?” 

…today, I watched my ex-girlfriend be an accompaniment to a virtuoso, which the press loved to pit against me. They played beautifully so I was inspired to play the piece using my cello. I think I sounded horrible. Or maybe being pessimistic has been my default nowadays. Oh, I mistakenly ordered 2 dozen bratwursts instead of just half a dozen, and this would be my breakfast and dinner for the next few days. Would it be hypocritical to still say, "ich komme zurecht”?