Again

Tokyo, 2012.

School hours were over. Taiga sat alone on the bench in his school yard, swinging his legs, listening to a musical instrument through his earphones. He closed his eyes. He enjoyed the summer breeze that touched his dark hair.

" Woah!!!" 

"Woaah that's cold!!"  He whined as he placed his palm to his cheeks.

The other boy just chuckled. The cutest chuckle for Taiga.

" I bought this for you. " He said softly as he handed a can of soda to him. 

" Thank you... " He smiled. He shifted his body to the end of the bench and let the boy sit beside him.

" Taiga… "  His soft voice reached taiga.

" Hmmm? " 

" What are you listening to? " 

Taiga blinked.

" Aaah. " He took off one of his earphones. He put it into the ear of the other boy who sat beside him and let him hear the music being played by his phone. 

" Eh? a violin?"

Taiga just smiled. He turned his face back to the front. Letting himself dissolved in the warmth that hugged him that afternoon. 

" Hokuto… "

" Hmm? "

" I... I want to learn a violin... " Taiga sounded so soft, so quietly that Taiga thought he would not be heard. However, he felt someone was staring his way. Taiga turned his head and saw Hokuto's teary eyes mixed with a proud look hidden in his gentle eyes, showing the warmth inside them. 

Undeniably, Taiga felt a bit guilty towards Hokuto. How often Taiga whined about the confusion that had hit him during the past 2 years. What would happen to him who "confessed" for having no dreams, or passions in his life.

Taiga saw a small line etched on his lips.

" Taiga… Finally!! I'm so happy to hear that... "

" Then, have you decided where you want to go? "

" ..... Texas. "

" .... Aaah. Texas. ."

" That's so far, isn't it? " He smiled. But, Taiga saw something through his eyes. He slowly shook his head a bit. 

They didn't say anything afterwards and let the summer breeze hit them softly. Taiga caught something. But, he chose to ignore it. 

Tokyo. June 18, 2022.

01.32

Taiga opened his eyes. A water had rolled to his temple. He turned his face over to his AC on his left. He found it still turned ON. He felt wet on his cheek. He realized it wasn't a sweat. It was his own tears.

He looked at his desk. 1 am. It's still 1 am, too early for him to wake up. He wanted to go back to sleep, but his dream really hit him so hard. It was disturbed him.

He let out a deep sigh.

"It's been years, Hokuto. How many times you want to torture me…" His voice sounded so frail. There was a waterfall running down his cheeks.

He knew, the biggest regret inside him started from that time. Everything started in that place. Everything started from that moment. The moment when he told his passion. The moment when he told where he wanted to go. The moment when he ignored any feelings inside him. 

Taiga knew it.

He knew exactly how he felt. He knew the insecurities within him. It hit him so hard. He knew how selfish he was.

He realized what he was doing. He realized how he hurt Hokuto. He realized he was too arrogant. He realized that he was nothing but a coward.

Was it appropriate for him to ignore Hokuto's feelings? Was it appropriate for him to ignore their obvious relationship back then? A relationship that may only be lived one-sided. A relationship that maybe only one of them fought for. Was it appropriate for him to use the excuse "we were too young to understand that"?

If only he could tell the truth. If only he had paid more attention to Hokuto. If only he could appreciate the time he has with Hokuto more. If only he didn't become too arrogant by feeling busier than Hokuto.

Taiga wasn't even sure, was he really busy? or was he just trying to keep himself busy?

Various memories appeared one after another, as if to punish him. Pain, regret, frustration, and guilt rained down on him. Never failed to overwhelm him. In the dead of that silent night, a waterfall ran down again on his cheeks.

"I'm such a fucking idiot… "

Tokyo, December 3, 2012.

19.32

" Taiga, look at me... " His voice trembled. He destroyed Taiga's defensive wall that he built up. He placed his cold hands on Taiga's cheeks and gave him a deep gaze.

" Don't worry about me, Taiga. I do understand your decision. I feel so happy for you. I really am. I want you to achieve your dream. Don't worry about us, Taiga. I believe we can go through it. Don't give a shit about what people say. I do believe in us. I also want you to do." He reached his arms around Taiga's back. He gave him a very warm hug that Taiga wouldn't even realize that he would miss it so much. Taiga cried. He could only cry. There was too much worry in him.

He kept everything inside him. Worries, doubts, fear, he didn't let them out. He didn't want to spill them out, the reasons why he had to leave. He didn't tell anyone about him and his father, anyone. Even Hokuto. He wouldn't ever let him know his weakness. He didn't want to add some burden to Hokuto. He chose to be silent. He preferred "I want to achieve my dream" as the excuse. 

Classic.

But it was easier than explaining his complex relationship with his father. That's what he thought. 

" You don't understand, Hokuto. You would never understand how hard I've tried. You have no idea how desperate I am to go out from his shadow. I have to do this. I have to go this far, to prove him that I can. I have to fight this devil and I can't drag you into this shit. I can't drag us into this fucking shit. This relationship, am I really capable of protecting this?" A rage inside his voice, only him who could hear it. He couldn't let his voice out. He couldn't let Hokuto hear it. He couldn't tell the truth.

However, Taiga wanted to. He wanted to try. He wanted to have hope.

He wanted to believe it… 

Autumn, in Texas, 2013.

The worries that had been haunting Taiga had become real. The pressure he had was too great. The time he had was confiscated too much. Hokuto's presence at that time, only made it worse for Taiga.

At least, that's how he felt. 

He read hundreds of texts.

He received dozens of calls. 

Their text chat that had once became Hokuto's one sided diary was now just short messages, asking for news.

Once in a while, he replied.

Once in a while, he picked-up the calls.

Really, just once in a while.

"Taiga, what're you doing? I cooked tomato soup. It looks so yummy!! I hope you were here to try it. Don't forget to eat! "

"Taiga, how's your day? I hope it was good. You know, there's a new edition of Detective Conan. I remember you love it, so I bought it. Do you want me to give it to you? or you can wait until you come back? Let me know, okay!"

"Taiga, how's your sleep? Did you sleep well? I did, don't worry. Oh right! I'm going to visit Kyoto. Only 2 days tho. I'm not leaving Japan but I feel lonely. Lol. How's everything going, Taiga? Let me know, okay! "

"Good night, Taiga... "

"I've been missing you so much…"

"Taiga, is everything alright?"

"Please, at least read this… I beg you…"

" Taiga… "

"I'm sorry, I'm still busy. I will let you know when I'm done. Soon."

Soon?

Soon?!

In fact, it took him weeks to reach him. Since then, Taiga had never received Hokuto's Diary anymore. Only short messages. Even then with a decreasing frequency every week.

"Eat and sleep well."

"I hope you're doing fine."

Taiga had no idea what Hokuto thought back then. Did he feel bored? or tired?

…Hurt?

Taiga really didn't have time to think about this.

But why did he feel something hurt him?

Why did he feel there was a hole inside him?

He felt empty.

He felt the emptiness and loneliness wrapped him so tight. 

Why?

He didn't realize it. 

He hadn't realized it yet. 

Nah, he realized it. But, he ignored it.

Texas, December 8, 2016.

16.32

A good thing happened to Taiga. He managed to finish his semester in his 3rd year successfully and faster than usual. His time that had been sacrificed, his hard work he had done so far had paid off. He managed to make various songs. Some of them were successfully performed and all of them received very good responses.

Taiga was happy. He was proud. He felt relieved. A thin smile etched on his face.

"One more year, Taiga.."

"You only have to fight for another year..." He muttered.

He decided to go out. He bought some food, sweet food, as a reward for his hard work. Like he has been doing for another year before. He took his jacket. Then he stepped out of his apartment. But he suddenly stopped. He remembered something.

Hokuto.

When was the last time they talked? When was the last time Hokuto sent him a message?

Nah.

When was the last time Taiga replied to him? 

He went back to his room. He scanned fast, looking for a black and thin stuff on his desk. He took it. He read the last unread message on his phone. 

A month ago… 

It was a month ago.

The last time Hokuto texted him was a month ago.

It had been a month, Taiga had read any messages from him. He froze. Something crossed in his mind. He shook his head, throwing every bad thing that disturbed him. His fingers started typing a short message on his screen.

" Hi, Hokuto. How's everything going? I'm sorry I just got the time to text you. Do you have some free time? I have something to tell you. Please let me know."

He put his phone back, went out of his room, locked his apartment and walked down the quiet alley. 

Ping!

You have one unread message.

From: Hokuto

Texas. December 8, 2016.

20.12

Apparently, good things didn't last forever to Taiga. He was coming back from the pastry shop, his hands full of a big paper bag with a bunch of sweet food inside. He had a difficult time reaching for his key in his pocket and it made him drop his food. 

"Ck..."

He went into his apartment, put his food on his round table, then brought a bottle of wine from his kitchen. He placed everything neatly. They looked beautiful. He wanted to taste and enjoy his paradise, but first, he wanted to take a pic of them. He walked back into his room, took his phone, and realized that he had 1 unread message. He opened it and read it carefully. 

He pressed the call button on the corner of this name.

"Hokuto!!" He sounded excited and didn't realize that he was grinning when he heard a voice on the other side. 

"Yes, Taiga."

"What's wrong? You said that you have something to tell?"

He blinked. He waited for the answer. But he could only hear a soft breath. 

"Hokuto?"

"Are you alright?..."

Idiot… 

" Di-... Did I do something wrong?..."

Idiot…

"...Hokuto? "

There was no answer at all..

"Hokuto, I'm so sorry. I couldn't contact you at all. I just got some time. I was so busy preparing for my performance. Too much time confiscated, and I didn't get a chance to text you... "

Such a fucking idiot. 

"Is that so?" Taiga finally had an answer.

"Then, how was it?"

"Eh?"

"... Aaah. It was good. I got the best mark for that." He couldn't help but smile. 

He was happy. He was happy to hear that. He was happy Hokuto asked him. He was so happy Hokuto sounded care to him. 

He was so happy he could hear his voice. 

But then, only silence followed.

Again, all he could hear was the sound of breathing.

Something tickled in his stomach.

Anxiety began to surround him. 

"Ho-Hokuto…?"

A sharp, long, and deep breath attacked his ear. 

"Ho-Hokuto… Wh-what's goin-..."

"I want to stop, Taiga."

His eyes widened. Worries ran through his veins. He was shaking. His breath hitching. The cold began to eat away at his body. He was scared.

He was so damn scared.

He knew what Hokuto meant. But at the same time, he wanted to make sure.

Was it really what Hokuto thought about?

Was it really what Hokuto meant?

Was it really what Hokuto wanted? 

Hundreds of questions punched his head. Dozens of words filled him. He wanted to spit it out. 

But everything felt frozen as if there was a big stone in his throat, dark clouds filled his lungs. There were too many things spinning in his head. He was overwhelmed. He couldn't sort the words that left his lips.

"Okay… " 

Time seemed to stop.

Taiga felt like he was stopped. 

Everything seemed to stop. 

His hands clenched into fists, grabbing his left chest. A waterfall streamed down his face. 

That night, something big happened to him. 

Something that changed his life.

Something that never tired of haunting him.

Something that he had never realized before. 

Texas, 2017.

Empty...

Pain… 

Two flavors collided with each other. Tortured the inside of Taiga that felt more and more fragile every day. The rain that fell on his cheeks never stopped whenever a beautiful memory revolved in his head. Like a cassette, all the memories about Hokuto repeated in his mind. Those memories that kept haunting him. Those memories that kept tormenting him.

No one asked how his day was. No one asked how he was doing anymore. No one asked how he slept anymore. No one sent him long messages containing his daily diary.

No one. 

There would be no one who waited for him anymore. There were no more ringing phones that turned out to be missed. There were no more hugs for him to receive. There were no more words that could calm him down. 

Nothing else.

There were only memories. There was only regret, pain, emptiness, and loneliness.

Broken... 

He was broken into pieces.

Destroyed. That's the only word that could explain him.

Everyday he woke up with those swollen eyes. His pale skin. His limp body. His mind was malfunctioning. 

It's been 4 months… 

The new semester in his final year has also started. Every day he tried to divert his mind. Every day he tried to keep himself busy.

"Please, Taiga. Please... Hang in there... " His arms wrapped around his body. A water flowed from his eyes.

A little more..

Taiga just needed to endure a little more. He must finish what he started.

At least, that's what he had to do for now… 

Tokyo, 2017.

Taiga had already tried to get through the day which was getting harder every day. He finished his studies. He managed to become a violinist as he "wanted". He managed to escape from his father's shadow. He even received an offer from one of his lecturer colleagues who really liked his playing. He asked him to join a famous orchestral group in Japan.

There was no reason for him to refuse.

There was no reason not to return to the place he calls home.

Every day he studies. Every day he tries to live his day. Every day he tries hard to be the best. His life does look "easy". Everyone who knew him as a violinist would be amazed. Some feel jealous, seeing how lucky he is.

However, those are just what they see. It's all just what they feel.

Not him. 

He felt like something was missing. 

He felt empty...

He felt like he was incomplete.

He felt like… a coward. 

Tokyo, 2021.

Several years had passed. Taiga became a big violinist at that time. They did play as group, but he was the one that caught the public's attention the most. Not only because of his beautiful face, his golden blonde hair, beautiful and enchanting curves, small lips, and sparkling skin, but he also had beauty to his playing, making him shine so brightly. He even received offers to pursue a solo career. But he refused with the reason " I do not want to stand alone ".

One night, after rehearsing for his concert, he walked alone to the bus stop which was quite far from his building. At that time, Taiga, accidentally saw a face that was very familiar to him.

The man was waiting in line in front of a pastry shop that seemed to have only opened a few days ago.

Broad shoulders. Long curly hair, a side face that seems to show off a sharp and charming jaw.

Hokuto… 

Taiga froze. His eyes widened. His breathing was irregular. Something crept up to his throat. Sweat dripped from his temple. His face paled, his hands trembled. Suddenly, everything seemed to go black, his knees couldn't support him, and he didn't hear anything else after that.

He woke up. His eyes were busy scanning around. He let out a deep sigh. He had no idea how he could have returned to his room. He didn't want to think about it. Half of him was still stuck on that night. Memory fragments began to appear in his head. He saw Hokuto smiling. A charming smile. A reassuring smile. The smile he missed so much…

However, Taiga felt like it wasn't just Hokuto he saw. Someone was standing nearby. A man who looked tall and charming with a proportionate posture, smiling gently at him.

Hokuto looked… happy. 

They looked… happy. 

Taiga didn't want to sum it up as "something", but he couldn't help it. He wanted to meet again. He wanted to make everything clear. He wanted to come back. He wanted to redo everything. He wanted to fix all his mistakes. He wanted to get back something that was very precious to him.

Something he should be fighting for. 

Something he should take care of… 

But, did he deserve it? Did he deserve to face Hokuto after what he did? Did he deserve a second chance? Did he deserve to explain the misunderstanding that hurt them so badly? Did he deserve to get back what he wanted?

In that morning, heat spread throughout his body. His head felt so heavy. His vision was blurry, and a waterfall streamed down his cheeks.

Tokyo. June 18, 2022.

03.12

It'd been 2 hours since the memory spun in his head. It'd been 2 hours since he let himself dissolved in the pain that night. It'd been 2 hours since he let the waterfall rush down his face. 

Swollen eyes, heavy breath, heat all over his body.

That was enough. 

He had enough.

It was enough for him with the pain. It was enough for him with all the regrets that had haunted him all this time. It was enough for him with the guilt that was eating away at his body. It was enough for him with the growing emptiness in his heart.

He had enough of his frustration.

Enough... 

In the middle of this cold and lonely night, Taiga had decided.

He had decided to throw his pride away. He had decided to destroy his own wall. He had decided to set things straight. He had decided to make peace with himself. He had decided, no matter what would happen, he just wanted to let out all the feelings that were living inside of him.

He no longer cared about himself. He knew clearly he might not deserve a second chance.

But Taiga just wanted to try.

He really just wanted to give it a try. He just wanted to be honest. He didn't mind if Hokuto was really fed up with him. He didn't mind if Hokuto didn't want to get back together with him.

He didn't give a shit if there was no more love for him.

He picked up his phone which had been on his desk, opened LINE and read all the messages he sent Hokuto since a year ago. There was no sign that the message had been read. Taiga believed Hokuto might have blocked it.

"Fuck it." He wiped his tears, not letting a drop of water fall down his cheek.

" I really want to meet you, Hokuto. I will be waiting for you tomorrow afternoon, at your favorite bakery. Please reply to this message if you want to meet me."

Increased heartbeat, a feeling of uneasiness that began to rise to his stomach. His palms covered part of the white screen of his phone. 

Taiga took a deep breath. His thumb hit the button it should. He didn't dare to look. He didn't dare to think about anything. He would just wait for him, tomorrow afternoon.

He placed his phone back on his desk. He laid his body on the bed. Something was still bothering him. He felt he would never see the face that constantly stayed in his heart. But part of him hoped that luck would be on his side.

"If I really deserve a second chance, I'll never let you go again, Hokuto."

Fatigue began to feel in his body. His swollen eyes started to feel heavy. Soft breathing sounded to be heard. 

He fell asleep.

5.32

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from: Hokuto

END