Lifetime

1. 

Yugo does not remember how long they have known each other, he and Jesse. They naturally attracted each other, like magnets of destiny. They spontaneously walked into each other’s lives that Yugo’s memory was so hazy. He didn’t remember how, why, what started exactly. But no matter what they did, they’ve always ended up in each other’s vicinity. 

It was easy for them, to fall for each other.

For Yugo, it was like a happy accident, for Jesse, it was definitely destiny.

They were young and perky when they met. Jesse was still writing his PhD thesis at that coffee shop where Yugo started out. He was originally so clumsy that he got reprimanded by his boss every single day. Porcelain cups clattered, coffee grounds spilled on the floor, cakes weirdly cut on plates, wrong orders taken… Yugo almost got fired on his first day but Juri, who's not only his manager but also his very good friend and roommate, decided to give him another chance. He knew that Yugo needed this job to fund his studies because Yugo left the house and the town after an argument with his parents altogether. At the end of his senior year, he had shared with them his desire to become a photographer after high school, to what his parents had laughed at him, telling him he would not go far, that you can learn photography in a manual, but you cannot learn a job that will sustain you for the rest of your life. Yugo was very stubborn and stuck to his own principles: do it yourself.

So he came to the city to study what he loved most at university while trying his best at his part-time job, he sucked but his attempts to do better and his smiles always warmed his customers and made him particularly popular.

“There’s that guy who keeps pestering me when you’re off, asking for you.” Juri once said as he nudged him and pointed at that very tall guy sitting in a corner of the shop. He was often here all afternoon as he was typing all day long on his laptop for the past year. He was so focused that Yugo never knew he would pay attention to anything else than his screen. 

Yugo remembered his order. It was always a mozzarella salad, sparkling water, a donut and black coffee. He messed that order so many times but that guy always came back in spite of his numerous mistakes. 

Yugo was so grateful that he kept giving that guy free coffee, using his own staff discount code.

That guy was Jesse.

To Yugo, Jesse was like a Greek sunset who smelled like Mediterranean salt.

November 12th, 2020

I stare at my screen, trying to read and understand the words that started to become random drawings instead of actual words. Letters are starting to jumble and melt in front of me and I knew by then that I am having hallucinations. I have been staring at this text for way too long. It is supposed to make sense, but it does not.

I feel like crying. I have to read this paper so I can quickly draft the last few pages of this chapter if I want to make it through the deadline (which is next week) and I already can feel the stress clogging my throat and immobilizing my fingers. I am in bad terms with my advisor already and I do not want to get in any more trouble.

“Hey… J—? Jesse, right?”

It is you, Kochi Yugo. I remember you extremely well because I read your tag and heard the manager scream your name a lot. You are the clumsy boy that keeps giving me discounts and freebies so, as a poor PhD student who is not paid much as a Teaching Assistant, I am absolutely grateful. As much as I like teaching university students, they feel more like friends than actual students. Still, you caught my eye for a while already. We did discuss briefly, we talked about the taste of coffee beans but perhaps you do not remember. You meet a lot of customers, after all. You always sound both gentle and strong-headed and it made me smile unconsciously as I unintentionally heard fractions of your conversations from the table I always sat. You sometimes looked adorable, but I saw you as someone racy . Someone a bit sizzling, someone a bit sexy, someone a bit naughty… 

I am not a good talker, so when you come to me, unannounced, I start to mumble and lower my head before catching a good sight of you. You look a bit tired as of right now but you never lose this spark that makes you look so beautiful in my eyes. “Yes…”

“Are you okay?” You ask me and I smile without wanting to.

“I- I am now…” I stammer like a fool, because I am a fool for you, aren’t I?

“You look like you want to cry.”

I shake my head before closing my laptop hurriedly.

“I need a break.”

“Should we eat together? I just finished my shift.” You tell me as I scan the shop whose lights were already switched off. I haven’t noticed how late it was. 

I sigh and you start worrying.

“If you don’t want to, it’s okay, but I got—“

“No!” I immediately cry. I always lose my control when I am being shy and that is what you do to me, you make me feel shy and stupid. “I’d love to eat with you, if you don’t mind my company.”

You smile so prettily, my heart flutters and my stomach knots.

You close the shop as I gather my laptop, my books and piles of papers inside my bag in a rush. “Do you want to eat home cooked meal or in a restaurant?”

I don’t dare to tell you I wanted homemade meals. Yours . I miss eating something that does not come from a fridge or a box.

“Ah, but I am a bit tired from school. Let’s go to a restaurant. I’ll cook for you next time.”

“I understand.”

“Did I tell you I study photography? I have a presentation on lights and colors tomorrow morning. We can work side by side while eating.”

You did mention it once before and that is the reason we do not meet as often as I would like. 

“I really want to—“ I suddenly close my mouth, very close to tell you that I would rather enjoy your food while staring at you instead of working but we barely know each other, it would be a bit creepy to say it so straightforwardly.

“You can use my discount even when I’m not here, you know.” You tell me. “I owe you this.”

It is cold in the streets, I can see you trying to warm yourself up by shaking your shoulders as you retreat yourself a little bit more into the warmth of your scarf. I just let myself walk close to you so I can get a whiff of the citrus perfume you so often wear. Citrus reminds me of you. Always . It is bright and sour but healthy. Like you.

I do not tell you that I was not looking for you because of that discount. I was just looking for you .

“Thank you, Kochi-kun.”

“Call me Yugo.”

So, I do and never stopped calling for you.

***

You do not bring me to a fancy restaurant but it is not a cheap one either. You bring me to the most unexpected place, a small vintage restaurant that smells and looks like Italy. Even the waiter is welcoming us in a foreign language and I am feeling suddenly embarrassed to set a foot in a place I know nothing. But you obviously know the place, moving with assurance around the table. There are plants everywhere and we are brought to a corner table that looks incredibly romantic.

“Hope you like pasta,” you suddenly wonder, worry painted all over your face.

“I do.” I answer. “It’s a nice place.”

“It is my favorite place, I come here often.”

“Yeah I guessed.”

Your crescent eyes sparkle in the dim-lit restaurant, and since it is not crowded, I feel like there is only the two of us. It might be the atmosphere or the vibe of the place but I am falling deeper for the soft smile you give me as you open the menu and talk to yourself.

“I keep looking at the menu although I know it by heart… I think I’ll take the same as usual.” 

“What do you recommend?”

“What do you like?”

You?

“I feel like eating some meat.”

“How about the carbonara?”

“Sure,” I say because I do not really care about food right now, I am not even sure I will be able to swallow anything, but I just nod along.

“What will you drink?”

“A beer is fine.”

“Oh okay, I can’t drink, my meds won’t allow it anyway. I’ll get a lemonade.” You turn around and call for the waiter who immediately struts towards us with a big smile, he was obviously delighted to serve a regular customer. He is extra polite with you and you do the same. You quickly detail our order and the waiter does not waste one second.

“You can work if you need, I do not mind.”

I look at the small table, not only there is not enough space but I am like that waiter, I do not want to waste a single second on my university work when you are in front of me, your hair looking fluffy and bright under the ceiling’s spotlight.

“I am tired of it.”

“Is it going badly?”

“Depends of the day. I have to report back to my advisor every other week, she’s rather strict and I’m not very organized…” I explain. “Didn’t you say you had work too?”

“I do, but I can’t focus without food in my stomach.” Somehow, you raise your head and stare straight at me and the hope that I am part of your distraction definitely entertains my thoughts.

The waiter comes back and I have this feeling he is flirting with you maybe because he is familiar with you but he flashes such a bright smile to you that I unconsciously pout. He is stealing the spotlight, especially when you thank him for bringing a simple lemonade.

“Let’s cheer,” I suggest as the waiter leaves again. 

“Is my lemonade okay? For cheering.”

“You’re more than ok.”

You smile bashfully, as you often do. And my heart is leaping inside my chest when your shiny eyes stare at me in ways that confuse me immensely, I feel so ashamed to feel so much over so little.

Without any food in my stomach yet, and the beer decreasing, you talk about that customer that kept asking you to remake her golden chai latte, coconut milk, no sugar, with a bit of caramel syrup and you complain how stupid is the job of a barista. You want to quit every day, you tell me, but you cannot because you have to pay the bills and a new 11mm 1.2 aperture lens to buy. I understand nothing when you try to explain the specificity of your lens. You end up saying: “It’s a wide-angle lens that captures the light very well.”

This is when you start telling me all about how you left home, angry with your parents, started university quite a while ago but you could not complete all the classes and had to retake them every year because you cannot focus much while working.

Today too, you are not focusing on your homework.

Our dishes are placed on our table and I glare at the waiter to make him go away a bit quicker this time. Taking the hint, he excuses himself after wishing us a buon apetito .

As I dig into my carbonara, I almost miss the adorable expression on your face as you watch your plate of penne arrabbiata with a small leaf of basil on the top and sprinkled with small chunks of parmesan. Immediately, you take a camera out of your bag.

“This is my favorite dish. I might be eating this a lot, I like to take a picture of what I eat with whom.” You admit it as if you were telling me your deepest secret before snapping a picture and I do not even notice that I might be in the frame. “I didn’t take your face, don’t worry.”

“I don’t mind,” I say, glad that I would appear in your memories.

You laugh and suddenly point the film camera very close to my face.

“I’ll snap your eyes. They are beautifully melancholic.” You say and I let you immortalize the insides of my soul. 

One day perhaps, you will be able to read it. 

As you put your camera away, you join your hands to show your gratefulness for this meal. You are polite in spite of having no one around us except me.

Although I am eating, I do not watch what I eat, I would rather feed on your own joy. My chest warms up at the sight. 

You even forget my existence, but I do not. 

I do not forget the way your eyes sparkle, the little squirms you make just from eating and drinking something delicious. 

“I’m so screwed,” I mutter to myself.

What felt like a few minutes was actually a full hour where we stayed talking for so long that we both forgot the time. I did eat up my plate, albeit slowly, you even helped yourself into my plate. I love sharing my food with you, it makes me feel a bit closer to you. Even when the waiter comes to get our plates as you ramble about that said lens that you are willing to pay at a high price, you do not forget to ask him for your favorite dessert, without asking for the menu (you know it by heart already). I politely decline because I am not a sweets person.

“You don’t like sweets? I love it!” You gush and I simply smile at you.

“Not really. I don’t like sugar.”

“Please, try this,” You insist as you hold a spoon to me. I stare at it before glancing at you with reluctance but your excited face and large smile convince me right away. As I slightly lean over to take the content of the spoon whole, tucking a strand of hair behind my hair to keep it away from the food, I always keep my eyes on you.

Swallowing the piece of cold tiramisu down my throat, I lick the curve of the metallic spoon and the corner of my lips. You do not move at first, your expression shifting to a more troubled one but when I fall back into my seat, you slowly lower your hand and turn your head away, pretending to check your phone.

I do not miss the vermillon coloring your round cheeks and I smile quietly.

You notice that you have missed a few calls.

“I—I need to go home,” You eventually say as you hurriedly eat on your tiramisu but I do not like this.

I grab your wrist and say:

“Eat slowly. It’s okay to be late.”

You do not shake under my finger, but you feel incredibly warm.

“Okay.”

***

I hate how we have to part ways as we stand in front of the restaurant, I want to hold you in my arms, you shiver from the cold weather or perhaps from exhaustion. You look incredibly sleepy.

“Do you want me to walk you home?” I ask.

“I’m not a girl, I’ll be okay.”

“You don’t have to be a girl for me to walk you home.”

Again, you are incredibly blushing and again, it makes me smile because I manage to get a reaction out of you, more than once. It does excite the flame in my heart.

“It’s fine, don’t worry.”

“Okay,” I say before opening my arms to ask for a hug. You laugh but you still accept my embrace. “Take care,” I whisper as I force myself not to bury my face in your shoulder. I might have used a lot of strength into this hug, to show how deep my affection ran.

“Thank you,” you say as you pull away.

You turn around.

I pretend to do the same but I just stay put and watch you walk away.

November 13rd, 2020

I spend the whole day at the café too, because I could not get enough yesterday and this morning, when I woke up, I thought how I already missed you. I skipped my symposium just to snatch the best seat at the café, behind the counter so I could hear and take a peek on you. 

But as soon as I open my laptop, I get lost on my very own work and literally forget everything around me… 

Until you come to me again, at the end of your shift:

“You look tired today too. I am sorry I distracted you yesterday. We didn’t get to work much. Let’s head to my place tonight, I’ll cook you something.”

I must have smiled like a fool at your invitation because you chuckle quietly and I immediately start to put away all of my books and laptop inside my backpack.

“You are really cute!” You tell me as you wait for me near the door of the café. “You are like a puppy,” you say and I am happy with anything.

***

“Oh, I forgot my other set of keys at work.” You notice but you still knock on the door of your own place. 

I am surprised to meet the coffee shop’s manager, Juri, at your place. I had a feeling you two were close, but did not know you were sharing an apartment. It made me feel a bit disappointed, here I thought we would spend time just the two of us together. To be fair, I am a stranger, it would be strange to spend an evening just the two of us.

“Oh, the handsome fella from the coffee shop! You brought him home!” Juri teases. “Nice to officially meet you. Thanks for your patronage, also.”

You chuckle. “He looks so stressed, so I invited him in. Is this okay?” You ask Juri as if he is your husband and somehow, it makes me feel unwelcome. 

Is this okay? 

Can my heart beat for you even if you’re taken? 

“Are you two together?” I dare to ask.

You two frown at me but you do not answer clearly.

“Although I’m very interested, Rin would kill me if I dated him.” Juri jokes, and I pretend not to care. You smile gleefully at him though.

“Stop it.” You tell Juri as you slap him on the chest and he pretends to be hurt. He’s laughing too, but in his eyes I see the hurt is running deeper, something I have seen before. “Jesse, please, just make yourself comfortable, come here and write whatever you gotta write. You must have a lot of work to do as a PhD student. Juri, be quiet for a while, okay?”

Juri just nods before mumbling he has a gaming match anyway.

“He’s an e-sport player, he’s actually the one paying the rent as I can’t afford it at the moment.”

“Why is he managing the coffee shop then?” I ask as I grab my bag to put it on my lap and try to get all of my things out. Everything is folded and wrinkled but I do not mind the mess as I display it on the empty wooden table of the living room.

Fortunately, the kitchen is an open space that allows me to watch you while working.

“He’s inherited it from his parents who retired recently. Maybe he’ll sell the business, but I think he’s kinda attached to the place.”

I nod absentmindedly, feeling an abrupt surge of energy to finish reading this paper. I do not even notice you starting to cook without any loud sounds, you are precautious with me.

The flow is much better than a hour earlier, it reads easier, it feels like my brain has switched on and suddenly, I am back to writing the end of this hellish chapter as words come to me like a clear fountain at the tip of my fingers.

“Can you take a break?” You ask so softly that I almost did not hear you, but I get distracted by your slender fingers sliding into my vision field. I see the miso soup you slowly push onto the table towards me. “I think you should eat.”

I look at you and I forget all about the evil in this world for a short span.

“I can.” I tell you and my fingers graze yours just so slightly as I get the bowl out of your hands.

You do not say anything but you look relieved when I close my laptop again and gracefully take your offer to stop writing for a little while.

The soup warms up my hands and my heart. I do not know what to say but I do have a question in my mind, I try to shake it off, shoo it away but it comes back to me. Hitting me in the face.

Instead I ask other meaningless things.

“How’s school?” I ask you. 

“Complicated! But I love it. It’s hard to juggle between my job and my studies, but I can make it work. I complain about it all the time to Juri, but I’ll get through it… I hope.” You say. 

Suddenly, as if he heard his name, Juri comes out of his room, smelling the good food and startling the both of us. We do not do anything shocking, but Juri stops moving as he sees you leaning against the table, talking and smiling so softly as I sip on the soup, my eyes tightly locked into yours.

“Why do you stand so close to him? He’s eating, let him eat.” Juri tells you as he starts moving again towards us. You frown because you do not understand what Juri is actually implying, but then do not comment on it and you leave the table for the stove behind the kitchen counter.

You do not hear Juri sliding next to me to seat on the chair on my left.

“He is such a keeper, an excellent cook.” Juri comments and I slowly turn around to face him. We look at each other and you still do not see us, you do not hear him say, “Rin is damn lucky to have a boy like him.”

The pang inside my chest? No one hears it, but it silently suffocates me. Juri watches me lower my head in despair. 

That is how it is. 

Is it?

You were never truly mine.

But I was not yours either.

November 14th, 2020

I am supposed to go home, it is late, I tell you as we are both working on our laptops like mad men but you frown at me. 

“It is past midnight,” you remark.

“Yeah, I should be catching the last train home.”

“Can’t you stay here?” You plead me with big, round eyes that make my heart leap inside my chest. I cannot find the strength to turn you down in spite of my mind and my reason screaming how wrong that is.

“I don’t want to intrude, won’t Juri get mad?”

“He’s busy playing all night, if you don’t mind him screaming into the mic once in a while…” you laugh quietly and massage your tired eyelids. “I can set a futon inside my room.”

“Huh? No, the sofa is fine.”

You look at the sofa and stare at me, from head to toe, I know you are judging my height.

“Aren’t you too tall for that?”

“It’s fine, I used to sleep in a little sofa with my brother when I was younger.”

“No way, come on in.” You tell me and grab me by the arm to take me into your room. We have barely met and you bring a total stranger into your bedroom. It is kind of obscene of you, and I wish I was the only one you invited into your room this way.

I try to shake off those lewd thoughts. I should not forget you already have someone, according to Juri. I cannot, should not, make a move on you. My heart is shattered but deep down, hope faintly subsisted. That is how bad I fell for you, Yugo.

As if it was blasphemy to enter the room of a taken man, I stay in front of the door even as you try to pull me inside.

“I don’t bite, come!” You insist so I just step inside.

Your room is incredibly clean and smells like citrus. I am impressed by the collection of different cameras and lenses you have placed all over your bedroom.

As you unfold the futon for the both of us and prepare towels and clothes for me, you keep pushing me here and there to show me around until we reach the bathroom. I would like to invite you into the bath with me but I stay quiet because I know where to draw the line. Still, when I lean towards you to thank you for everything, I almost kiss the top of your head only for you to unconsciously pull away at the perfect timing, reminding me where I belong. Far from you.

***

You smell so good after a bath and although you dried off, your hair is still wet, I feel like messing it up even more, I feel like licking the drops falling from every lock of hair. You laugh when you see me staring. You do not know why I am staring, and yet you are laughing.

When you turn off the lights and wish me good night from your bed, I wish you good dreams from the futon.

It is around 3 AM when you fall from your bed to join me under my covers. You are silent as you kiss the back of my neck, I shiver so bad and so loudly that you might have chuckled in the darkness.

“What are you doing?” I ask you.

“What do you think?”

“What about Rin?”

“Jurin?” You ask back, 

“No, not Juri. Rin.”

“Ju rin is his twin,” you reveal and that is how I learn that Rin, or rather, Jurin and Juri are twin siblings.

“Aren’t you two together?”

“…”

“Juri told me.”

“Shut it.’

And that is how our first time goes. 

In that futon, both of us stifling in silence and darkness as you get rid of your pajamas, you are as naked as the night, but I cannot see clearly, I just feel your hands unceremoniously trying to remove my pants to ride my cock without any warning. I hate how sultry you are, how you lean towards me to kiss, and suck on my lips. You are taking me whole and it drives me insane how easy it goes in, how deep it goes inside you. I fit perfectly and you feel like the one.

You leave so many hickeys on the birth of my neck, and on my collarbones, it took me weeks to forget about our first night. You are moaning as you thrust yourself on my cock, it makes me want to cry at how beautiful you are. You are like a moonlight beast and I am loving your nocturnal lunacy.

I keep track at the number of rounds. Six times because we are insatiable. 

I briefly think of Juri next door. Can he hear? Does he know? We make so much noise that perhaps Juri had guessed we were having sex, because you cannot keep yourself quiet, you are louder than I had expected, especially when I tie both of your hands with my shirt, you seem to like so much your whole body shiver, making you come in my hand although I barely touched you.

You come easily, it makes me feel like I am the one you love.

But it was not the case, was it?

***

“I heard you last night,” is the first thing Juri tells me next morning while you are gone in the bathroom and I am facing him at the table as we eat breakfast. He drinks Red Bull, I drink coffee. “He had always been a noisy one, so I know.”

My mind went blank at his every word. Suddenly, my hands try to hide the love bites you left all over my body.

“I told you he was taken. Why did you?”

“He came onto me.”

“You can refuse him.” Juri tells me and I want to punch his disapproving face. Who is he to judge us? He is no better but back then, I did not know how bad he was. “He is always like this, at night. You are not special.”

Juri’s confusing words hurt me more than I had expected.

“What do you mean?” I try to ask Juri, and it is how I first learn about this illness of yours.

“He has memory troubles. But the fact still stands. He’s Rin’s boyfriend.”

2.

Hokuto and Jesse were the best of friends. They met quite early, at the playground of kindergarten. Actually, Hokuto came to save Jesse from being bullied because Hokuto was older and Jesse was extremely shy when he was being mocked for being different. Ever since that day, they did everything together, even promising that they’d never let each other go. 

They grew up together, they learnt together and they had no secret for each other. They spent so much time together that their families merged. Hokuto was raised by his mother since her husband died very early in a helicopter crash, leaving her with a wealth to spend and a son to raise. Jesse was raised by his father whose wife ran away overseas for a richer man. Gradually, Jesse’s father and Hokuto’s mother got together and told their sons they would become one big family. 

Jesse was overjoyed: not only he’d get the mother he never had but Hokuto was now officially bound to him. He was fourteen, Hokuto sixteen. That was the ungrateful age where Hokuto had simply started to drift away from the family, away from Jesse as well. He even asked to change high schools. He never accepted this brand new brotherly relationship, this family was not the one he had wanted. When he turned eighteen, he just left without saying a word. Hokuto’s mother was inconsolable, losing her son over her new-found love, she could never understand. She hated her son for being so selfish, loved her son because he was her son but she just wished he could accept her life. Jesse knew why he was being like this, it was his fault Hokuto drifted away. Hokuto would enter into mutism and anger every time Jesse would mention the fact they were now brothers.

“I’m not your brother.” Hokuto would say and it pained Jesse, and their parents when Hokuto was reacting like this. Hokuto couldn’t control the way he was feeling, so he thought it was best he left.

December 23rd, 2020

More than a month (exactly, forty-one days) and I am still not over the fact that you and I finally talked and slept together in one night. I was too embarrassed to set a foot in the coffee shop because I am a romantic guy: I never sleep just after meeting someone. But you are so special that you invade my thoughts every single day in spite of me trying to forget about you. You who are taken by someone else, you who are protected by your guard. 

I am just a dog. Loyal. Patient.

My problem is that I cannot refuse you, not even when I meet Jurin for the first time. We bump into each other as we both head to the train station. Our universities are different but from the same campus, so not too far from each other. I have never bumped into you before, never even crossed your path until I opened the door of the Tanakas’ café.

“Hey, hum, Jurin, this is— what was it? Jesse?”

I am not sure if you are doing it on purpose to hurt me, to ease Jurin or if your illness is kicking in. No matter what it is, I feel like my heart being crushed again and again and again and always.

“Yes,” I manage to say, although I just want to run away. I do not want to see the two of you together. I start to feel that my vision is getting blurry and my ears ringing. I just cannot believe you would forget my name that easily. Because when you were fucking me, you definitely did not forget which name to scream. “I am Jesse,” I announce, faking a large smile. I am good at pretending, but unfortunately, you see through me and I see the surprise in your eyes when I hold out my hand towards Jurin. “I met your brother too.”

“Oh, nice to meet you! I’m Jurin. I’m glad you already met Juri, our golden boy. He’s actually the little brother though. I was born thirty-six minutes before him.”

Her brightness matches Juri, they are not twins for nothing ; the both of them exude an energy that draws you in.

“Loving your coffee shop, I spend a lot of time there.”

“You didn’t come the past weeks though,” You remark, and you are right. I was avoiding you to stop my feelings from swallowing me whole. I am surprised that you noticed that I did not come.

“Is this how you two met?” Jurin asks, and I just nod. “Yugo doesn’t have many friends. I am glad you are one of them.” She says as she smiles with genuine sincerity that makes me feel even worse for sleeping with you, her boyfriend. I am sorry, Jurin, I am sorry for falling for your man. I could not control this feeling that had been invading me ever since I met you.

“He’s a great guy, he gives me freebies at the café,” I throw a joke to make it pleasant for the two of you to be with me, I would hate it if you and her ended up disliking me. You might not dislike me, but I hate myself for feeling so damn jealous at the way you look at her.

“Oh that is why you two are friends? It’s true that Yugo has a kind soul.” She adds.

And before my heart could be torn apart any longer, I pretend to look at my watch but my vision is too blurry to catch the minute hand on it: “I really have to go, I have an appointment with a teacher, I can’t make her wait any longer.”

I wave a weak hand before leaving you two to your fluffy matters which do not concern me. I need to get farther from you so, instead of going to the train station, I walk back to my faculty’s building, as if I really had an appointment with a teacher. In reality, I just want to crumble in a corner.

I keep walking until I am far enough to break down in the middle of the street. I know I look ridiculous when I am dramatically crouching on the sidewalk. A lot of people pass by, not caring about a tall guy curling and crying like a child.

“Jesse?”

I cannot believe what I am hearing. 

This voice.

Is not yours.

It is Hokuto’s.

I stand up immediately.

“Oh my god, Hokuto? Is that you? What are you doing here?”

“I was looking for you, somehow. We need to talk.” He tells me straightforwardly. He looks so determined, in a way I had never seen in him before. I scowl at him worryingly, but I am too thrilled to see him and pull him into a big embrace. I could feel my best friend and brother in my arms for the first time in seven years.

“I missed you so much, Hokuto.” I do not let go, because I know that the next second I let him go, he will be gone for many days, months and years.

“Please, Jesse. Let’s get out of here. I can’t bear it to see you so miserable here,” Hokuto tells me and I stare at him, dazed and confused.

He grabs my hand to walk away like he used to do when we were kids, but he is smaller than me and his hands are bigger and stronger than before. Before we leave the street, I turn around and I glimpse your face amongst the crowd. I do not see Jurin though, I just see you looking incredibly sad and I want to break free from Hokuto’s hold to comfort you but he does not let me go.

“You’re hurting me, Hokuto,” I tell him as we reach another faculty’s building. I have never gone there but Hokuto seems to know his way well. He makes us sit down on an empty bench. Around us, a few tired students lazily walk past.

“Sorry…” He apologizes before finally loosening his grab on my hand, but still never letting me go.

“Why are you here? Why now? Your mom is worried about you.”

“You know why.” Hokuto says and he looks at me in the eye. He is dark and handsome, but infinitely pained by something I do not understand.

“I get that you don’t want to be my brother, but nothing really changes between us.”

“It does, you know I love you.”

“I love you too, Hokuto.” I tell him, frowning. He sounds serious.

“Are you doing it on purpose, Jesse?”

“No, I do love you.”

“Hold me?”

“Sure.”

“But, would you kiss me?”

“I guess, sure.”

“In bed.”

“I’m getting confused.”

“Have sex with me?”

“What?” I suddenly stop, and realize what he meant all of those years. 

I have never thought he would think more of our relationship. I thought our bond was old and strong enough that it was naturally platonic, that it went beyond sexual desires. I did see him like a brother and someone dear to me.

Suddenly, I am having flashbacks of him averting his gaze, or avoiding to look straight at me in the eye. The way he would just notice things I have never thought anyone noticed. He had observed wisely, but instead of being an attentive big brother, he was simply in love with me and it made me sadder. He actually is the reason of our mother’s affliction… or rather, I am. 

“You are so dense, it annoys me.”

“I am so—“

“Don’t say it, I don’t want to hear it.”

“…Why did you decide to tell it to me now and not before? It’s been almost a decade, how can you be so sure you still have those feelings for me?”

“It’s too hard… To be far from you. I want to be near you when you need me. I want to be sincere and truthful until you return my feelings. I won’t give up. I thought I should be out of your life and bury my feelings inside me, but it is too hard when I see you looking so miserable.”

Do I look miserable? Is this what loving you makes me look like to other people?

“How did you know I was here because I’m pretty sure you didn’t ask mom and dad,” I ask him.

“I didn’t know,” He tells me but I do not know if he is saying the truth of not. “I’ve seen you walk into your building every day for years. I just hid when you were around. I sometimes meet Shintaro. He sometimes talks about you, and the boy you’re currently into.”

I freeze at the mere mention of you. I can feel Hokuto wants to talk to me about you but I refuse to hear anything and immediately, I stand up from the bench, ready to leave, ready to flee.

“Shut up, Hokuto.” I tell him, and it is the first time I talked so roughly to him. If he is taken aback by my sudden outburst, he does not show it.

“No, Jess, you have to understand. This Kochi Yugo. He’s a player, he’s no good for you. I know him.”

Anger starts boiling in my veins, I know I can get angry very violently, you often tell me how red and scary I get when I am furious. 

“No, Hokuto. You should be the one trying to understand what your mother felt when you disappeared on us. You don’t even come back for New Year, you don’t call or send a text message for this and now you dare show up in one of my lowest moments? Hokuto, I’m s— I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I wish I could thank you for your love, but you’re making me incredibly sadder.”

“…You don’t have to step on my feelings like that,” Hokuto sulks subtly, I barely see it on his face, but the way he very slightly pouts his lower lip, I know he is sulking.

“Because you don’t?” I answer back, because I am obviously hurt by how he comes back and dumps a lot of information that I still do not digest to this day. “I’m sorry Hokuto, I can’t do this. Either you come back home, or you don’t come back to us at all.”

“Could you at least listen to what I have to say about Kochi?”

“No, Hokuto.” I repeat. “Sorry, I really can’t.”

It is not denial because I did not need Hokuto to tell me what you are. You are different and I knew that from the beginning. I would rather witness it with my own eyes and make my own mistakes than to be warned by Hokuto’s ulterior motives.

I stand up and leave him there, on that bench.

December 24th, 2020

My father likes to celebrate Christmas and New Year in family, so I always go back home during those days. As usual, our Christmas is just the three of us. Mother, though, always sets four plates, she says it is for any unexpected guest that would have nowhere to spend Christmas but I am aware that she waits for Hokuto to show up unannounced. It had been painful over the first years, now it is a habit that does not faze me anymore.

Today, though, for the first time, it annoys me.

“Mom, you should stop setting for the fourth guest.” I tell her and she frowns at me.

“Why not?” She asks without getting mad, she would have usually, but she might have discerned the strangeness in my voice.

“He is never coming back. He is too selfish for that.” I say, and it is the first time I have such hostile thoughts about Hokuto. I have never had a bad word to say about him in a decade, but today my anger caught up to me. “He won’t come back.”

She stares at me.

“Jess…”

The door of the family house suddenly rings. And my father, mother and I exchange worried gazes. My father is the brave one who goes to the door to answer first but my mother and I follow him.

The shock is so huge that none of us make any noise.

It is, of course, Hokuto.

He is in tears when he mutters a shy and embarrassed hello before both of our parents welcome him into their arms. They all cry together on this Christmas miracle.

But I cannot help but feel even angrier at Hokuto.

I pretend happiness for the sake of our family though.

***

I hear a knock on the door and I consider running away through the window. I do not want to make a fuss here, especially not in front of our parents who are sleeping soundly and happily. Their son came back, he came home but they do not know the ugly truth behind, and having to hide something like that does not sit well with me.

“Jesse,” he whispers with that very low, sultry voice of his. I used to notice the raspiness of his voice before but until now, I have never noticed how silky it actually sounded. “Open up. I know you’re not sleeping.”

“Just because you’re older, you can’t order me around.”

“Please, Jesse.” Hokuto pleads in a way that used to soften me. 

Not anymore.

“Jesse. I promise not to talk bad about Kochi Yugo. Can you open up, please? Let’s talk a little. Let me make amends.”

I open the door, because it is what I want to hear the most. I do not want him to come back to destroy everything that I have built in his absence, like my love that blossomed for you. He has no choice, no weight in whom I get to love.

It might have been only two months since we truly talked but it had been much more since we have actually met. It was a slow interest at the beginning before becoming a crushing heart crush. Never knew it would explode into something deeper and I barely know you.

When Hokuto enters my bedroom, in which he has not stepped inside in years, he looks around, sweeping through the room with an attentive eye. He has always been very observant, he did not change on that aspect, at least.

I sit on my bed and he sits at my desk. I see him feel the surface of the old oak under his palm, as if he was reminding old times where we would sit together at that desk to study together. Hokuto did help me a lot with school, he had always been a better student and a great big brother.

“Talk,” I order him with a harsh voice that makes him wince. I feel bad, but I am still angry.

“I am sorry for running away.” He starts like he should have started when we first met, yesterday. “I am sorry for hiding my true feelings and for disappearing. I am sorry for springing on you like this, it was not the right way to greet you after so much time. I am sorry, Jesse.”

The tension that invaded my muscles suddenly dissipates and I relax more. The anger is not gone, just yet.

“I’m sorry but I don’t regret the love that I have for you, we weren’t meant to be brothers. You know that.”

“If not brothers, then perhaps friends. But we can’t be lovers, Hokuto.” I tell him because I have to make it clear to him.

He sighs, because it is not what he wants to hear. And I know it.

“We’re not blood related,” Hokuto insists.

“Does it matter?”

“Keep an open mind for me, if you can love him, then you can love me the way I want.” Hokuto says and he troubles me. The way he is so stubborn, he has always been like this, but this is the first time I see him intensely determined. Does he love me that much? To the point he would destroy everything else in his life?

“No,” I do not want to give an open mind, no. I do not want him to keep destroying everything just for me. This is a downfall to insanity.

“But I came back. For you.”

“I asked it for your mother. I didn’t promise you anything, Hokuto!” I start to raise my tone, but not too much or our parents would hear us. The walls are so thin in this house that I did hear Hokuto masturbate in his bedroom but I never said a thing. Now that I think about it, perhaps he was touching himself while thinking of me. The mere thought seethes me with rage and I stare at Hokuto with so much fury in me that I know he can feel it. “I c-can’t.”

Without waiting for Hokuto to say anything, I get up from my bed, grab a jacket before storming out of my bedroom, out of the familial house which did not feel like home anymore. I cannot believe Hokuto is tainting every little detail, every innocent memory I had of him.

***

It is extremely cold outside and I keep walking in the darkness of the night, beneath the Christmas lights that illuminate my way. I do not know how long I walk, but while walking I keep thinking of my thesis. Although I sent a draft to my advisor a bit later than expected, she did not answer my mail. It is Christmas but I had expected a quick read-through so I could edit a bit before my update meeting in January.

As my mind ran and circled around my upcoming research session, I eventually recognize the street and raise my head to the sign of the Café Tanaka. I walked so much I ended up to that place… And I am surprised that the lights are still on and the shop was bustling with people. They were usually busy working people but this time, it is fancy crowd that is filling up the space.

And, then I spot you there.

Of course you are there.

Maybe I unconsciously walked to you.

But what I am seeing is breaking my heart. Behind the window glass of the coffee shop, I see you on the arm of Jurin. You two look gorgeous in your matching emerald velvet outfit. So green, so smooth. You two are laughing so brightly — Such a perfect match, I might say, but it makes me want to cry.

How did I fall so deep for you? There is no real reason behind this.

You smile so warmly as your arm tighten around her thin shoulders, and I can see how you are leaning your head softly towards her. You decide to let her go only to grab your camera that has been hanging on your neck and take a picture of her in the crowd. I am pretty sure it looks fantastic. But this heartbreaking sight is being robbed from me when Juri slams the door of his own shop, walking down the stairs hastily — urgent steps that make him look like he is on the run — while lighting up a cigarette.

When he reaches the bottom of the stairs, he finally looks up and our eyes meet.

He cackles.

“You’re the last person I want to see,” Juri spits out, looking away.

I do not answer, I am not one to entertain or feed someone’s anger.

“I met her the other time, your sister. Briefly.” I just tell him as I keep looking through the glass wall.

“Yeah?”

“With Y— I mean, Kochi-kun.” I purposely do not use your first name because I think I want to add distance from us but Juri sees right through me.

“Why are you here? You’ve not been invited, if I recall correctly.” Juri asks.

“I needed some fresh air and ended up here.”

“Yeah, me too.”

I never told you about this Christmas where Juri hands a cigarette to me and a flask of whiskey he has hidden in the inside pocket of his suit jacket. He looks dashing in his Bordeaux suit, long bangs framing the side of his face… maybe that is why I got troubled. I wanted to forget about Hokuto’s insane obsession, about the one true love between you and Jurin.

Sleeping with you was the thing that made me fall even deeper for you, the thing that ignited a true hope inside my heart and now, I cannot let it go, cannot tame or extinguish it even if I had wanted to.

Juri and I sat on the last step of the bottom of the stairs, and together, we drunk and talked for the first time.

“It is good stuff you got here,” I tell him, while tasting the alcoholic beverage burning my palate and throat. The kind of pain that can soothe anyone.

“My family has quite the collection from all around the world. They are always traveling ever since they left me and Rin in charge of the coffee shop. I said I would but it is very hard for me to juggle between two jobs.”

“Don’t you want to quit one of them?”

“I plan to leave the coffee shop to Yu-chan one day.” 

It is the first time I hear Juri call you that way, I am surprised by the name but I unconsciously smile at the innocent tone.

“Does he know about it?”

“No, of course not. He’s determined to become a photographer you know.”

I do not know anything, but I do not tell him that. Instead, I want to hear more about you and only Juri would be able to provide a more objective view on the kind of person you are. And the way he talks about you, I know he is fond of you.

“His parents are against his dreams and he came here with only a strong will. He came to me. I feel responsible for him and although he wasn’t very good at first, he picked it up quickly and is now better than me at handling the account book.”

“Your sister doesn’t want to take over?”

The mere mention of Jurin makes Juri’s fond smile fade slightly. “Oh no, she has her own business to take care of.” He says, suddenly saving words about his sister. “And Yu-chan.”

“Are you really interested in Yugo?” I ask Juri, finally dropping the honorifics.

When I turn towards him, I see how his cheeks were tinted in pink from the cold and the alcohol. He is without a coat, but he does not shiver or if he is cold, he does not show that he is. It is still Christmas’ Eve so I slowly take off my coat and pull it over my shoulders and invite him next to me.

“We slept together.” Juri tells me as he gets closer to me, under my coat and I am now the one freezing. “A lot. Even before they were officially dating, they are high school sweethearts.” I regret sharing my one and only protection against the cold with someone who also slept with you. Without thinking, I am sliding the coat away from him as I avert my eyes from Juri’s fingers as he puffs on his cigarette. Alcohol and perhaps, pain, makes him stare into the air so he does not notice how the coat is not covering his shoulders anymore. He is not feeling the cold anymore, perhaps, numb from the pain and the alcohol.

He is still sitting against me, his body warming me up.

“I can’t tell her. I don’t have the guts to tell her the truth about me and Yugo. I can’t tell her about this weird illness. He is such in denial, I don’t know what to do. I am just living selfishly, as closely as possible. But it tears me apart.”

“She didn’t notice?” I ask.

“Not yet… He is forgetting things at night, mainly and since he is living with me right now… she lives a bit far from the university and the coffee shop, that’s why he’s here but perhaps, it was a bad idea.”

Juri avoids using his sister name and dropped the childhood nickname he usually gives you. I can feel how much he loves you, especially when I discern tears welling up at the corners of his eyes.

“You should stop now before you end up in crumbs and dust.” Juri warns me. “You never know what he’ll forget. He might forget sleeping with you, he might forget he’s dating Jurin, sometimes, he forgets you . It hurts, Jesse. You—“

The door of the coffee shop opens and Juri and I slowly rise our heads towards the entrance, where you show up, unannounced, but beautifully unaware.

“Jesse?” You ask and I am glad you did not forget about my name (yet). “Juri?”

Juri’s traits are exhausted but he still looks at you when you call for him. He is unfocused, but he does his best.

“It’s freezing outside, come on in!” You cry as you run towards us to grab us by the arms, making us drop tobacco and spill alcohol on the ground. “It’s Christmas’ Eve but you two look so sad. Are you okay?”

“I think Juri is not feeling well, I’ll walk him home,” I tell you as I pick up the now empty flask and the still lit cigarette. Juri does not even protest as the both of us pull on his arms to lift him up.

You release us without an uproar. 

“Okay,” you softly say.

Juri stares at the ground as he turns around to take off by himself down the street.

Before following him, our gazes unfortunately meet and you quietly reveal with your flowery mouth: 

“I’ve missed you.” 

It felt like a caress to my ear, and a torture to my heart.

Either way, I was left in shambles.

December 25th, 2020

Can you forgive me? 

The screen of my phone keeps lighting up the room as it silently rings. I know Hokuto is calling me but I wish to stay in the darkness as Juri hastily removes his shirt.

My vision is a bit blurry and the world is spinning at little bit when Juri is pushing me onto the bed as he aggressively pull my pants off. I should have known he was a violent one. I just hoped it was you who were going down on me with a determined hand and a wet mouth around my cock. I close my eyes shut as Juri is sucking me off.

He is silent enough for me to imagine you instead, and come as I hear keys jingling. You are already home? I thought. I might have dreamt it but when Juri suddenly plays with the tip of my cock, a tongue sliding in the foreskin of my cock, I let out a loud groan.

“Ssh,” he says and I am reminded that you are not there. It is still Juri who takes my hands and guide them inside him and I forget everything at the moment I feel his flesh wet, cold and slick from lube welcoming me.

We were just lost and cold, looking for a little bit of warmth.

Can you forgive me?

***

A massive headache wakes me up late. It is Christmas morning but it feels like the morning after a New Year’s Eve. I am definitely having a big hangover and when I look around me and notice where I am, I cannot help cursing.

I recognize Juri’s room from the rainbow lit computer behind the gaming chair and the darkness of the place. I turn around to see him still sleeping. Even if he should look like he is at peace, his eyebrows are incredibly furrowed and I feel bad for him. Especially when my eyes lay on the smiling picture of you and him standing on his night table. I am surprised that Jurin is not even in the picture. I also feel bad for her.

Without waiting for anyone or anything, I look around the bed for my things, dressing up in a hurry to quietly sneak out of Juri’s place.

As I open the bedroom door, I can see your back and a bowl of steaming ramen in front of you. You do not turn around but I know you heard me close the door behind myself. As much as I wanted to be quiet, I know that you can feel my presence even if you do not turn around. 

Should I greet you? Or just leave quietly? You are undecipherable. 

You are still staring at your bowl like you could see the future in it.

“Huh… good morning, Yugo.” Is the only thing that comes to my mind as I walk past you, not daring to look at you. I already feel ashamed, even if I should not.

You do not answer and I cannot read the atmosphere.

Are you remembering our night together?

Did you just come home from a passionate night with your legitimate lover?

“Aren’t you quite the flirt?” You suddenly ask without any greeting, but it caught my attention and when I turn my head towards you, you are staring at me. 

I do not know what to say.

What am I supposed to answer to this?

It was a drunken, desperate night.

You were the one I was thinking about in Juri’s bed and nothing could make me forget you. But you… you are forgetting me. 

If you are forgetting me… then perhaps you will forget this as well?

I retrace my steps and as I am gripping the back of your chair and the edge of the table, I bend over to leave a lingering kiss on your lips. But that, too, was a mistake, because now, all I want to do is kiss you again and as soon as I retreat a few centimeters from your face, I feel drawn to you again and this time, your lips are moving with mine.

“I’ve missed you too…” I whisper, not knowing if you remembered what you have told me the day before.

Strength is leaving me as you grab my shirt to make me kneel in front of you. This time, you lock me between your arms and you pull on my lip between your teeth.

“Christmas gift?” You ask as your foot is already grazing my inner thigh and playing with my fully clothed groin.

I smile at the naughty suggestion, you are as racy as I imagined you to be. 

“Juri said you’re a noisy one…”

“What does he have to do with us? ”

“I don’t want him to hear.”  How cruel would it be? To make him hear you screaming getting fucked by the same man that had just fucked him? 

We were fucking out of love for you, you know.

“Why? Are you two dating now? Is this why you didn’t come to the coffee shop? What about H— that black haired boy, the other time?”

I look at you, completely confused. For someone with bad memory, you remember incredibly weird details.

“…I’m just gonna get going, um… Merry Christmas, Yugo.” I tell you, because I would rather run away than having to tell you the real and ugly truth.

“Yeah.” You answer sarcastically and wave me off. “Sure.”

December 31st, 2020

Shintaro throws a party for New Year’s Eve. That is what he does best. This year though, he has to handle it on his own since I am too busy trying to meet another close deadline. My advisor loves to make sure I do not have a social life, she hates me that much.

So this year, he asks for the special contribution of Hokuto. 

I did scream at him on the phone for not telling me that he knew where Hokuto was. But Shintaro said he could not refuse him when Hokuto had begged him not to tell me anything (although, I remember Shintaro assuring me that Hokuto was fine when I confided my worries about him), it was obviously hard for Shintaro not to tell me because we are best friends and we do not hide much from each other. 

When I had questioned Shintaro about you, Shintaro raised an eyebrow before telling me that… he did not remember mentioning you once. The only thing he might have said was about “Jesse’s hard crush.” Because yeah, I crushed hard on you for months and that was a nickname Shintaro gave you. It is a silent pining that I preciously carry with me, but now that I have tasted you, I wonder if I can survive without another taste.

I am the one who refused you on Christmas, after all. But Juri did not deserve any more pain that day.

“If Hokuto’s here, I’m not coming, Shin.” I tell him and Shintaro sighs in frustration, scolding me with his eyes behind his glasses. He is busy preparing the place, I am surprised he did not rent the Tanaka Café for the party but he got a whole warehouse instead, it was owned by his family so it was free. It could have looked shabby, but they put on so many panels, spotlights and balloons that the place looked genuinely classy enough for a New Year’s Eve party.

“Can’t you two make up?” Shintaro complains as he climbs up the ladder with scotch tape and balloons in in his hand.

“Do you even realize how bad it is?” I ask Shintaro. I did tell him all about Hokuto, and he was far from being surprised. Perhaps Hokuto already told him everything, but generally, Shintaro is rarely surprised by anything, he just smiles and nods along. Nothing in life surprises him, he is always in search of things to marvel and unravel him though. I know Shintaro though, this is just a wall he puts up to protect himself.

“Yeah, he wants to fuck his little brother, what’s up.” Shintaro snickers.

“This is disgusting, I hate you so bad.” I yell at him as I look around to see if any of Shintaro’s helpers heard us. But they were probably too busy to get the decoration done in time for tonight.

“Chill out. I am joking, you two aren’t brothers, it’s fine, you think too much, Jess. I mean I knew since forever… Since we were kids, he was already crushing on you hard. Your parents marrying didn’t help his feelings. He was very conflicted. You know he doesn’t have many friends. I think, he was too dependent on you so he left.”

“But him coming back like a snowball thrown at my face, it hurt so bad.”

“I’ll tell him to calm down.”

I raise an eyebrow.

“He’s no more depending on me, but on you now, right? You like that.” It is not a question, I eye Shintaro who does not say anything, keeps on trying to tape the end of the balloons on the panel. I watch him struggle. “Whatever.” I say as I abandon him to head towards the exit before I could meet Hokuto.

“Jess.” He calls from the top of the ladder.

“What?” I yell.

He does not look at me when he says:

“Yugo, and the J twins are coming too.”

***

No matter how hard I try to focus on the research book I have in my hands, I cannot focus.

I have to see you.

A glimpse is okay, even if you are with Juri and Jurin. Even if Hokuto might witness my love for you and judge me for it.

I shut my laptop and find my way towards my closet to find an outfit that would fit the dress code for Shintaro’s theme: royal blue and silver. Fortunately, I do have a silky silver shirt and some dark blue costume pants that I rarely wore.

Sighing deeply, I try to reconsider my decision. Is it worth it? I do not know, but I want to see you.

***

Of course, when I make my arrival, everyone is already there. Shintaro literally runs towards me with a happy smile, he is beyond overjoyed to see me here. He has been expecting me, he says, and sits me at my table where I am of course sitting between Hokuto and Yugo, and I am cursing him. Shintaro is sitting next to Hokuto and a boy that I do not know. Next to you and Juri, your gorgeous girlfriend Jurin who sports the most beautiful silver and diamond dress that makes her stand out of the crowd. Especially in a table full of boys.

I greet everyone with an energy I did not know I had.

“Hey, I didn’t meet you before?” I ask as I give my hand to the one I have never met before to shake.

He stands up to shake my hand vigorously. I am a bit surprised.

“No? I used to be in Hokuto, Juri, Jurin and Yugo’s judo club, I am Taiga.”

Confused, I look at you and Hokuto. You two are not even looking at each other, avoiding to meet your gazes as much as you can.

“You know my brother?” I ask you, pointing at Hokuto. 

“You’re siblings?” You ask me.

“Our parents remarried,” Hokuto corrects, his tone curt. He was obviously annoyed at me for using the word “brother” again. “I grew up with Jesse and Shintaro.”

“The same way we grew up with Taiga and Yugo,” Jurin intervenes. “Taiga is doing an internship in a local hospital in our hometown, though. He doesn’t come to the city often.”

“Yeah, just say I’m peasant, Rin?!” Taiga immediately bickers with her and she bursts out of laughter with her brother. You follow along, laughing with your eyes, but as I am sitting at my chair, I feel your foot under the table, as you get rid of your shoe to leave it somewhere near my feet.

I flinch at the sensation of your leg grazing mine, and the hot palm of your foot rubbing against my crotch.

What do you want? I want to ask you. But as I try to look for your eyes, you are watching something else, your eyes are somewhere else but your body is definitely reacting to my presence. You know what you are doing and your illness has nothing to do with this.

Today though, I do not feel like giving in your little games, not in presence of our friends.

I pull away from your foot and I see you slowly turning your head towards me. I caught your attention. It makes me smile, makes me want to play with you even more. If this was all it took to catch your attention.

I do not look back at you, and even sit closer to Hokuto although I do not talk to him either, still mad at him.

“Can you stop being mad for tonight?” Hokuto actually asks so imperceptibly.

“Only if you stop trying to dissuade me from falling in love.” I answer in a small voice, making sure that no one would catch on our conversation.

“I think it’s too late, right?” He whispers in my ear.

“So, you really know him.”

“Yeah, do you remember I had to transfer Judo club because mine closed? That’s where I met Taiga, the J twins and Yugo. When I asked to transfer high school too later, it was to be closer to them. The club was really far from home by walk so your dad always drove me to that other city so I could attend it. I thought, how nice it was to have a dad.”

“He’s also yours, Hokuto.”

“Yeah, perhaps. In another lifetime where I don’t fall in love with my best friend turned brother.”

Hokuto’s frank answer is quite new to me, he has never been someone who would voice out so easily his feelings but perhaps he had exploded after years and years of burying it deep. He avoids my gaze and I cannot help blushing hard at his confession.

What can I say to that? 

I do not have the strength to fight with him right now so I just let Shintaro pour champagne into my glass as I gulp it down straight without even toasting with the others.

“You could have waited for us!!” Everyone is screaming at me and I laugh while Shintaro had to pour a second time.

After clinking our glasses together in a cheerful and loud noise, everyone happily took a sip as my eyes could not help but wander towards you and finally, our gazes met. You do not drink a drop, I notice, you pretend that you did. You place carefully the glass back on the table, between our two plates and as you reach for the bottle of water on the middle of the table, your elbow accidentally knock over your glass, breaking it on the corner of the table, spilling the sparkly alcohol on my lap.

Silently, I watch the scene unfold in front of me and strangely, I do not even move from my seat, I would have jumped and stood up from the surprise but this time, I just remained still. You look at me and you hide the most secretive smile as you cry out:

“Oh my god! Jesse, I am so sorry! Are you okay? You should clean this up right now before it stains.” You say in a worried tone. “Let me help you out.” I am surprised none of your close friends do not notice how fake you sound. Well, Hokuto and Juri definitely knew: Hokuto rolled his eyes and Juri looked at us with annoyance. You grab me by the arm and take me away from them with a firm hand.

As we walk away, I cannot help but enquire:

“Why?”

“A long time ago, Hokuto told me he fell in love with someone he shouldn’t be loving that much. It is only today I realized it’s you.”

“And?” 

“I was curious. I knew that the black-haired boy you hugged the other day at uni was Hokuto.”

“Really?”

“We had sex, right? That night. It’s blurry in my head, but I know it is you. No one felt like this . That’s why you’re avoiding me? Did you hate it?” You ask in a worried tone as your hand graze the silk of my shirt.

“I didn’t hate it.”

“Then why?”

“Aren’t you dating Jurin?”

“That’s not the question.”

“It kind of is, to me.”

“I don’t think it is, though. You didn’t mind sleeping with Juri on Christmas.”

“Why am I even blurry in your head? What messes your mind so much you can’t even remember who you’re sleeping with?”

“I don’t know, okay? I sometimes forget some things and memories come back to me sporadically, sometimes they never come back. I even forget who I am from time to time.”

“So you don’t know what you want.” I state, understanding that you are so confused about yourself and your feelings that I will probably get erased over time.

“Every time I see you, I really forget about the rest though. I—“

“You shouldn’t be saying this, I think. Not if you can’t choose me.”

“Choose? But I barely know you.”

Even if we just met and started talking, it hurts to hear that from you. You know how to put distance between us when I least expect it. As I fling the door open of the restroom, I open the tap to pat myself with water but you stop my fingers from reaching the running water, sneaking behind me.

“What? You barely know me, why are you helping me?” I ask, looking at our reflections in the mirror.

“It’s not what I mean. I mean that I can’t choose you when you just showed up in my life. I can’t throw everything away just like that. Not when I am proposing to her. Tonight.” You whisper against my shoulder, and I barely can see your face, just your sad eyes.

“…”

My heart simply breaks.

I stare at the water still running into the wash basin before looking at your soft fingers around my hand and I wonder why are your hands over mine when you are asking for someone else’s hand. 

I am at loss because it hurt more than I had expected. “…Well, I hope you’ll forget me the way you forgot about her when we slept together.”

“Jesse…”

I turn slightly towards you and we look at each other when I tell you: 

“I hope you’ll forget about my name, because I wish I could forget yours too.”

“…Please, don’t say that, it doesn’t make me happy to forget. I just do. I often confuse Juri and Jurin, at night and it’s driving me insane. Jurin, she’s different from everyone else. She is everything I’ve ever wanted in life, she has the maturity that Juri doesn’t have, she is bright in every sense. She makes my heart flutter. I know I am making the right choice with her. She’s a real pillar in my life.”

The way you talk about her makes me want to cry, and even if the tears do not fall yet, the pouring rain in my chest is slowly becoming a storm I cannot tame.

I look down, leaning against the bathroom sink unit as you pat softly and silently the stains that you have made on my clothes.

I say: “He said you two slept together even before you started dating Jurin.”

“Probably.”

“Is this what you call making the right choices?”

“I don’t trust him as much as I trust her. That’s how I made my choice. He wanted the fucking and not the responsibilities. It’s all on him now.”

Your words are harsh.

“I understand,” I say, nodding as I sit on the unit behind me, my shoulders involuntarily slouching. “But please… Yugo…”

You open your eyes, big and worried over the begging tone that I unconsciously took.

“You don’t have to choose me but… can’t you give me a little more time?”

“What do you mean?”

“Can you not propose to her today? Not today.”

I am desperate. I want to keep you for myself. But I can’t, can I? I have to respect your choice, your space and your life. 

Yet my heart keeps beating so fast and so hard, I am thinking that perhaps, I can make you change your mind or make you fall for me, with or without your memories intact. Perhaps, I can make you fall in love with me again and again.

Can I have you? Just for tonight?

I wonder.

And your curled eyebrows, and hesitation hurt me more than I had wanted.

“Please?” I had never begged like this before, not with your hand bunching my champagne stained pants, crippling the soft fabric.

Your conflicted face is unbearable, I am thinking as I wrap myself around you, arms around your shoulders, legs around your waist, pulling you closer into my embrace, against my body. I want you to feel exactly how much I am feeling for you.

Can you feel me ?

I tighten my arms around your shoulders, adding more pressure — and ignoring the shape of a ring in the inner pocket of your jacket —, hands lost in your hair as I so softly kiss the top of your head, smelling the incredible citrus scent. For once, we are facing each other, not in the darkness but still not in the open. It is fine. I am happy to be able to see your eyes, even if you are battling with yourself, with your feelings, I can see you, feel you, smell you and most of all, I can finally touch you with my hands and my lips.

I do not dare to upset your mind so my lips softly kiss the chastest areas: the line of your right eyebrow, the corner of your eye, the top of your nose. 

You pull away from my kisses and I brace myself for violence, hatred and rejection but you just stare at me, reading me like an open book. Gradually, I see the uncertainty getting washed over by the way your eyebrows unfurl, your traits smoothen and your irises sparkle.

I hear the soft shifting movement of your hands before feeling cold palms against my cheeks. Do I look so miserable? Because you look like you are sad for me. Do not be sad for me, Yugo. Because I will get you eventually, and I will make sure you remember me even if you forget.

These are your fingers that I feel first around my tongue, prodding inside my mouth, stretching my lips in the most vulgar way. I can take it all, I can take you in. It is fine. You can torture me, if you want because I will rise stronger.

You slide your fingers on my tongue, in and out, opening my mouth even wider for you, making a mess of myself. You smile. Do you like what you are seeing? Because I love the aroused expression you are giving me.

Your fingers finally abandon my mouth only to be then violently abused by your teeth, biting my lower lip. When it is you, it does not hurt, not even when you slam my back against the mirror behind me. I do not have to turn around to know what kind of face I am making. One that tells you that you can do whatever you want with me.

Are you also aggressive with Juri or Jurin? Do your hands shiver the same way when they slide beneath shirts? The slightest touch pushes me a bit closer to the edge. I start remembering our first time in the darkness where I could not see you much but feel you wither and shiver. My body trembles at the memory of you and the anticipation.

As soon as I feel your fingers working on my zipper, reality dawned on me abruptly:

“Yugo…” 

Me calling your name makes you snap out of it, as well.

“We can’t here.” I tell you and you are surprised. “We have to go back to the party.”

“Huh… J-Jesse…?” you whisper, as if you had forgotten where we were, who you were with. But the way you scan our surroundings, we are in the bathroom of a warehouse where we are supposedly spending the New Year’s Eve. But for the first time of my life, I do not want the year to end, I do not want to let you go, I do not want us to move.

I know what it means and it tears me apart a bit more.

“I really love you too much for acting that brashly. I am selfish but I still care about you.” I tell you as I caress your flushed cheek with a thumb. “You might never remember our first time, but I will never forget.”

***

When we come back, we look so tense that Juri and Hokuto notice it right away. They notice my expression hardening when you sit a bit closer to Jurin and she pats your knee lovingly when you come back. 

“Your lip is bleeding,” Hokuto comments as he hands me his own napkin. “He is still a rough one.”

It is not time to weep.

It is time to celebrate life.

***

Ever since I came back from the bathroom with you, Hokuto sits close to me. I do not say anything but every time I glance at you and Jurin, you are staring at Hokuto.

“Did something happen between you and Yugo?” I suddenly ask Hokuto very quietly. Hopefully all the others went to dance already and I was not yet in the mood as I pour myself another glass of champagne. I am craving for whisky, but the night is still young and midnight has not hit yet.

He sighs.

“Long story.”

“You want to tell me all about his bad sides but not this particular story?”

“Let’s move.” He orders as he drags me away by the arm (again.) I cannot help myself looking at you and Jurin and even if Jurin is smiling brightly at me, you are not smiling.

Hokuto takes my hand and for once, I just let him because I need him to open up. He brings me out of the warehouse where the music is not as loud as inside. I cannot even feel my ears and my brain anymore. Shintaro likes to blast music everywhere he goes, he probably will end up deaf.

“We were close friends,” he starts. “We had a falling out because I couldn’t stand the way he treated Juri so we almost beat each other up. I still blame Yugo for making Juri the man he is now.”

“The man he is now?” I repeat, incredulous.

We crouch on the ground, leaning on the wall of the warehouse. As he is talking, Hokuto plays with the white gravel at his feet.

“He breaks girls’ hearts all the time because he cannot mend his. And he never brings them home because he lives with Yugo and he doesn’t want him to move out.”

“I am not giving up, no matter what you say, Hokuto.”

“You’re not but I have to?”

“Why do you always have to bring the topic back to you?”

“I want you to understand .”

“The only difference between he and you is that you’re now my family even if you deny it, Hokuto.”

“Am I not bound to you forever, that way?”

“There’s no forever, Hokuto.”

“And yet, you’re willing to wait for him forever?”

“Until the end, yes.”

“End of?”

“The end.”

We are way too stubborn and I hate how similar Hokuto and I can be. I hate seeing myself in him.

“He’s getting married to Jurin, anyway, so Juri will be alone.”

“Yeah, Juri told me. He called me crying.” He says.

“Yugo wanted to propose tonight but I asked him to wait.”

“Will he listen? I don’t think he will.”

“He will.” I assure Hokuto as he helps me stand up so we can go back to the party.

But, when we come back just in time before midnight, a few seconds before, I can see Jurin and you at the center of the warehouse, all surrounded by so many people who gave you two some space when all the spotlights are on you two beautiful creatures and understand that you are dropping on one knee.

My heart drops in my stomach.

I do not feel the tears that suddenly blurred my vision, and I cannot even handle the sight of Jurin crying and kissing you in front of so many people as everyone else is screaming happy new year. My new year is not happy at all.

Could you not give me a little more time? Just a little?

Did you have to propose to her now? I thought you’d wait. Did you already forget what I had asked? 

And before I could drop to my knees for different reasons than yours, Hokuto holds my shoulders and places a gentle hand over my eyes. 

“You don’t have to see this,” Hokuto voices against my ear.

I break down in his arms, excruciating pain washing over me.

January 1st, 2021

Fuck…

I just— I just made the biggest mistake of my life…

Happy New Year, Yugo.

Have a happy life, Yugo.

January 10th, 2021

I am still loving you so much that the pain does not dissolve, it just grows deeper, splitting my heart into thousand pieces. But I miss you.

Shintaro, Hokuto and I were supposed to eat out but as we walked back from our university, we walked past the Tanaka Café. Hokuto looks at me worryingly, realizing that we should have taken another path but it is too late when Juri greets us from the door of his establishment, a cigarette in the hand that he waved to us, scattering ashes all around him.

“Hey guys, long time no see. Thanks for that New Year’s Eve party, Shin. I had a blast.”

“Sure, thanks for coming.”

“Do you— do you—?” Do you wanna come in? Juri tries to ask out of politeness.

No one says anything, making the atmosphere incredibly tense. 

I do not want to enter the shop even if I miss you terribly.

Before Shintaro could refuse politely as well, you come out of the café:

“Hey!” you exclaimed, with a thrill in your voice and brilliance in your eyes. I felt uneasy when I heard you, I had a feeling I was going to hate what you had to say. “Thanks again Shintaro for letting me propose to Jurin during your party.”

Pretending is so hard but I am doing my best not to show you how much my heart aches. It aches until I feel my lungs crowded by a bubble that makes me choke, cry and faint from not being able to breathe any longer. My lungs are burning the same way I first drank whisky out of despair.

“I-I-I thought you’d wait… Yugo…” I voice so imperceptibly, I am not sure if you hear me but from the confusion painted all over your face, I guess that you have heard, and I hope your heart might clench a little… Mine is literally twisting all over inside my chest.

“Jesse…” You step back, the back of your hand on your lips. 

You still remember my name.

I feel Shintaro and Hokuto holding me up again as Juri brings you back into the shop.

I feel pathetic for melting down in the middle of the streets again.

“Come on, Jess, come on, let’s keep on walking, let’s go,” Shintaro strokes the back of my neck and helps me to stand up.

“Let’s go home,” Hokuto simply states as his hand tightens around my forearm with a strength I did not know he had.  I can feel Hokuto’s swift kiss on my temple, without caring that Shintaro was there.

Immediately, Shintaro gently pushes Hokuto away.

“I am not letting you stay with him tonight,” Shintaro tells him.

We are still in the middle of the streets and I feel like laying on the ground.

“What?”

“I know what happened on New Year, I don’t need you to pile on Jess’s misery.”

“Did you hate it that much?” Hokuto asks me, looking lost and hurt.

I do not want to answer, tears welling in my eyes again.

“It was a mistake on my part. I don’t want this to happen again. Ever again. Hokuto, I’m sorry. I don’t want to take the easy way.”

“Is that why Shintaro follows you around since then? You needed him to talk to me?”

“You don’t listen to me, you only listen to Shintaro.”

“Hokuto please, go home now. I’ve closed my eyes long enough. This isn’t the right time, you have to take your distance for a while.”

***

Shintaro did his best not to mention you anymore, letting me the time to calm down and dry off my cheeks of my salty tears, with booze. I keep ordering drink after drink, it does not matter if it is vodka or whisky or sake, I need it to burn my insides. I need the burn.

The place is incredibly noisy, and booming with all kinds of loud music but it is a place Shintaro enjoys. He likes the atmosphere and the quantity of food they provide.

After eating and drinking and talking about things that are unrelated to you, I almost pass out on the table, too tired to get up.

“How are you feeling?”

“Numb.”

Shintaro scoffs.

“It’ll get better.”

“You don’t know that.”

“It will. Let’s head home?”

“Shin?”

“What?”

“I still love him so much.”

“I know.”

“Why? I barely know him.”

“He barely knows you but he got shaken.”

“I don’t understand him, I don’t know why he keeps forgetting about me, do you think he does it on purpose? Do you think he just wants to play with me?”

“Even if he really played with you, would you still love him?”

Yes. 

I will not admit it to Shintaro. 

Because he already knows my answer.

*

*

*

3.

“I feel like something is missing,” Yugo told Juri during a slow day of work at the café. Juri just dropped by to gather all the bills that were piling up on his desk but decided to stay around when he saw how lonely Yugo looked at the shop.

Since Yugo moved out of his flat, Juri found a peace he didn’t think he would ever find again. It was a bit difficult at the beginning, but being able to see Yugo happy and out of his personal space made him move on a bit more easily. He had moments where he was regretting not stepping up when he had to but then would shake his head: it was his loss — he had made a mistake in letting Yugo go, it was his fault after all. He can’t regret things he can’t change any more. There were no second chances, no rewinding in life.

But ever since Yugo proposed to Jurin and started planning the wedding, Juri didn’t see Jesse hanging around the café like he used to. He vanished like a ghost, like he never existed and now Yugo barely remembers his existence and doesn’t react or answer when Juri mentions him. His last meltdown in front of the coffee shop broke Juri’s heart so bad, he felt really bad for Jesse. Unlike him, Jesse made no mistake. He just met Yugo at the wrong time.

If Juri wasn’t constantly around Yugo, perhaps Yugo would forget completely about him too. Although, Juri had noticed how it had been getting worse, misplacing his keys in the fridge for instance. Or forgetting to take the trash out although it is always the same day of the week. There were times when he mixed up his schedule at the café with his classes but for some reason, he managed to graduate safely from his master's. He had worked hard and his troubles didn’t affect his performance during his defense. 

Juri was too afraid to confide in anyone about Yugo’s condition, he was afraid of being judged for taking advantage of Yugo’s confused mind. In the beginning, he really thought that Yugo was just in denial, that his deepest desires were for the obscurity of the bedroom but even though Jurin wasn’t around, Yugo kept wondering every morning why he was in Juri’s bed. He was sleepwalking, they both thought. After a couple of times, Juri ended up straightforwardly telling him they were sometimes having sex.

Yugo denied it strongly, saying he was wrong.

Juri had the next time taped and Yugo had blushed, got angry, and forced him to delete the video. He wasn’t planning on leaving Jurin anytime soon anyway. Yugo made his choice a long time ago. A lifetime choice of marrying Jurin. But Juri saw in Yugo’s eyes that he seemed to know what Yugo had done but would repress it so deeply inside until he was convinced by his own words.

Yugo and Juri were a secret from Jurin. She was kept in the dark about how deeply they’d wanted each other in high school. It was just a few teasing catch moves while playing after judo class, but it always troubled them. The way their eyes would accidentally fall on the skin of their chests, on the wet and bruised lips after taking a few punches in the face during practice. They were often in their own bubble: skipping school together, playing together, smoking together, drinking together, eating together, sleeping together until it became something more than just sharing the same bed. Juri thought of letting it sleep inside his body or let it for his wildest fantasies but Yugo was the one who held his hand tight on his dick when Juri accidentally brushed it at night. It was always at night, and Juri hated it so much. Hated how they couldn’t be noisy because Jurin could hear them. Jurin, whom he knew, was having a crush on their best friend.

Somehow, being a boy in love with a boy was easier than being a girl in love with a boy, and Juri knew it. He knew he could touch and hug Yugo without anyone noticing anything, he always joked about it and no one took it seriously. No one had ever taken Juri seriously anyway.

Not even Yugo.

Not even when Yugo revealed that Jurin had confessed to him and Yugo agreed to date her because he always felt so good with her, she gave him a sense of tranquility, comfort, laughter, a peace of mind that he never found with anyone else. She made him feel calm and Juri cried in front of Yugo. He had never cried in front of Yugo, but for the first time in his life, he couldn’t control anything, not even his own body. Juri knew that Yugo was always a little more of an adult than Juri, but still…

Juri thought he was the one who gave him peace and laughter.

“I’m so sorry, Juri.” Yugo had repeated so many times, many times, so many times until it got carved on Juri’s bones. It drove him insane because he didn’t know why Yugo apologized, he was the one who kept dating different girls every single day to see if anyone ever tasted the same way as Yugo, but no one did.

But for his twin sister and his best friend, he could manage.

He managed. For a few years… until Jurin called him, panicked, because Yugo had left home on a whim and needed a place to crash while she was doing an internship overseas.  Juri couldn’t refuse them. 

When Yugo moved in, he apologized again for disturbing him but Juri only shook his head, “You’re always the most welcome, I’m happy to help you,” he said, forgetting that his feelings would resurface so violently as Yugo barged in his life again, into his heart and his bed all at once.

Juri hadn’t cried when Yugo first slept with him again, still at night, but he felt so happy that Yugo hadn’t forgotten him that when, the next day, Yugo wondered what he was doing here, Juri felt himself dying a little bit more inside.

Those times were now over and Juri was now alone in this big apartment.

June 2nd, 2021

“ Why did you call me over? I came because you assured me he wouldn’t come.” I ask as I look around the apartment, it feels so empty without you, the place is such a mess now. Juri does not take the time to keep it clean and pristine, on the contrary, bottles of beer are scattered across the floor and I almost trip over one of them.

“He won’t, he doesn’t belong here anymore.” Juri comments, obviously not caring about anything. He smells like whiskey so early in the evening. He might have played games and drunk alcohol all day.

“You mean he doesn’t live here anymore.”

“It’s the same.”

Juri says as he shrugs his shoulders. He looks through the window to face the sun that warms his gloomy skin and floods the whole room.

“You left this book, here.” He says as he points at it on the table and just staring at the table makes me want to run away from this place. I remember how I sat at that table while watching you cook. It feels like ages ago, it feels like a dream, to be honest. I miss you.

“Oh… I was wondering where it was. Thank you, it’s an expensive and rare one. It’s a bit late though.” I tell him as I go through the pages, seeing my own notes scribbled all over. Just looking at those reminds me of you. Somehow, my whole world now revolves around you.  

“Sorry, I just thought of you recently and thought of giving this back to you so you don’t have to go to the café, this way. Neither do I.”

“Here isn’t better,” I remark. Juri looks physically okay and unaffected but something tells me that Juri is not as fine as he pretends to be.

“Sorry. I haven’t gone inside his room ever since he left either.”

“How is he?” I dare to ask, not knowing if I actually want to know.

“I don’t know, he’s okay, but he looks a bit lost sometimes, it got worse.”

“Have you ever asked him to consult with a specialist?”

“We’ve gotten into fights every time I bring it up and he’s fucking stubborn.”

“Is he forgetting things?”

“He is.”

“People?”

“Sometimes.”

“Does he remember me?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t ask.” 

“That’s good, I don’t want them to invite me to their wedding.” 

Just thinking of you walking down the aisle with Jurin makes me want to tear my skin off. I hate it so bad that I started having panic attacks. I did not know that being hopelessly in love made people think and do such foolish things.

“Because you think I want to?” Juri asks me, eyes becoming glassier. “But if you came with, it’d make things easier.”

“Why?”

“It’s my very own revenge,” Juri says.

“I don’t want to hurt him. He doesn’t need to suffer the way we do.”

“You won’t. He won’t be, especially if he doesn’t remember your love for him.”

***

I do not know what took me when I started picking up a trash bag to throw away the innumerable amount of bottles strewn about. Juri just watches me silently, not even offering me a drink. The fridge is empty when I open it out of curiosity. I suspect Juri of feeling lonely. I do not know for sure why he called me and not Taiga. Perhaps Juri knew that I would be the only one who could understand his pain. I felt the urge of cleaning up his apartment — I have to do something, I cannot let him live in a mess just because he is heartbroken. Maybe we can heal together. So I start cleaning up and as Juri is sobering up, he slowly joins me.

This is how we find your ring. 

Your engagement ring. 

…You already lost it…

Juri wants to throw it away as soon as he sees it on the kitchen counter, he probably does not cook enough to notice it between bottles of sauces and silverware holders. I tell him not to. I want to keep it.

“What do you want to do with it?” He asks, furled eyebrows slightly disfiguring him.

“I want to keep it as a memory.”

“About a lost ring that reminds you why he is not with you?!” Juri words it so explicitly that it makes me feel shy about my own intentions.

“I just want to have something of his.” I admit.

“Well, I think he left stuff in his bedroom, though. I’m not going in but you can, if you want.” Juri says as he lazily points to the door of your bedroom. I stare at it, considering if I should enter.

“Why didn’t he take everything?”

“I didn’t ask.” Juri says, vehemently wiping the surface of his glass table.

I exhale, still pondering. Should I? What would I find there? I wonder.

“Are you getting a new roommate?”

“No, this room used to be a gaming room but I moved it into my bedroom when Yu-ch— I mean Yugo came. But if you want, you can take his room.”

“Are you in contact with Hokuto?” I ask, wanting to sound casual but it seems that Juri stops wiping and looks at me still washing the dishes.

“H-Hokuto?”

“Yeah.”

Juri starts blushing uncontrollably and there is more to the story than I expected.

“I’m avoiding him, so if you could not tell him I’m staying with you, then I’ll move into Yugo’s room.”

“Really?”

“Yeah!”

“It’s a deal then.”

“But first… Would you tell me what happened between you and Hokuto?” I ask Juri as he lowers his head, maybe out of shame.

We are still cleaning when Juri says:

“I am the reason Yugo and Hokuto hate each other.”

They were young and reckless, Juri and Yugo. They were close friends, intimate friends even when Hokuto came into their lives (again) unannounced. He and a few other kids got transferred to their judo class. The dojo became livelier and a bit crowded but there was always this scrawny kid, alone, lonely, silent and obedient. 

Curious and perhaps a bit worried about him, Yugo was the first one to approach Hokuto.

Yugo and Juri were always a bit noisy but they were also always the first ones to help their sensei when it was needed and for that reason, Hokuto didn’t push Yugo away when he first greeted him and asked him if he would participate in the next competition.

Hokuto just shook his head. He wouldn’t.

Then Yugo asked if he would like to eat with them tonight but once again, Hokuto shook his head. He couldn’t. He was living too far from the dojo and his father — or rather, Jesse’s father — was waiting for him. 

Still, Yugo never stopped coming to talk to him, and soon, Juri also came into the mix. Jurin also opened up to him and even Taiga played a bit of Pokemon with him when they arrived earlier than the teacher. Slowly, Hokuto felt like he had made other friends who were not Jesse, and for a little while, he could forget about the abomination waiting for him at home. 

After a few months, Hokuto asked Jesse’s father not to pick him up anymore because he wanted go and come back on his own. Jesse’s father looked worried but agreed nonetheless. He did everything not to upset him, but it only made Hokuto even angrier. He hated how thoughtful his mother and his new stepfather were with him because they all knew he was the sensitive, angry child they had to cater.

If only they knew why, they would stop being so kind to him. He would rather have them being tough on him because he knew he deserved it.

After judo, Yugo, Juri, Jurin, Taiga and Hokuto would always go to eat to McDonalds together, and for the first time, Hokuto felt like he was belonging somewhere. He loved being with them so much that he would always stay out late. Most of the time, it was Juri who asked Hokuto to stay a bit longer, other  times, it was Yugo. 

Eventually, he asked to be transferred to their high school, so he would not have to meet Jesse at school and at home. He needed to stop thinking about his brother . The more he thought about that word, the more he felt like he was getting swallowed by the shadows which made him throw up late at night. He transferred in the middle of the year and it took Hokuto forever to get there but it was worth it, especially when he got into Juri’s class. 

Juri? Juri was easygoing, natural sometimes energetic. And Hokuto, when with him, forgot a little bit about Jesse. 

As for Jurin and Taiga, they were in AP courses, they got busier and even had to drop out of judo. As a regional champion of snowboard and surf, Jurin had to drop a lot of things to focus on her training as a professional athlete. She had to skip a lot of classes, and Hokuto could vaguely remember that Jurin trained alongside Jesse’s best friend, Shintaro. 

Hokuto hadn’t talked much to Shintaro since he was younger than him, but they met quite a lot when Jesse brought him home or when Shintaro tagged along whenever Hokuto and Jesse went out. Hokuto sometimes didn’t like having to share Jesse but he let it go, enjoying the time he could spend with him. Taiga, who was destined to great things, was aiming for the best university for medical studies but that meant that he had to study all the freaking time.

Judo had become lonely without Jurin and Taiga and once again, Hokuto felt excluded. At the dojo, Juri and Yugo became flirtier with each other and Hokuto immediately understood they had fucked. He saw how Juri would unexpectedly tuck Yugo’s hair behind his ear or the way he would grab Yugo’s arm to play but Hokuto knew that it was just a pretext for Juri to feel Yugo his skin under his fingers. He always had been extremely soft with Yugo but they weren’t like that when Hokuto met them and he felt like his world fell apart again. 

He hated home where Jesse would be his brother, he hated judo where Juri would be Yugo’s and he now hated high school because Juri would pretend that his only true friend was Hokuto. And in spite of Yugo and Juri probably sleeping together, Hokuto wanted to punch Yugo for going to Jurin during her darkest moments, when the pressure of her stressful life was getting to her. When Jurin had cried so many times for no reason, Yugo would always run to comfort her. During those difficult times, Hokuto started to see how Yugo and Juri grew apart: Juri started accepting dates with random girls every time they asked him out for a date . It was just a one-night stand but the girls understood it perfectly. Juri was easy, he was funny and he was sexy, the girls said. But when they fell in love, Juri would shut them out immediately. He wasn’t there for that, Juri would tell them — Hokuto heard Juri’s conversations behind doors, in the hallways, sometimes saw a few texts or caught a few fragments of conversation over the phone. Hokuto was always attentively paying attention to Juri and it hurt him to see him spinning.

“Is it because of Yugo?” Hokuto asked. “That you’re being like this?”

He was straightforward but he had seen enough of Juri destroying himself in front of his eyes.

“It’s not because of him. It’s me.”

“What are you so scared of?” Hokuto asked because he didn’t understand.

“Losing him if I ever have him. It scares the hell out of me. I think it’s better this way, no? He and Jurin are quite the sight.”

“No one cares about how they look.” Hokuto paused. “I wanna know how you feel.”

“Maybe I like him.” Juri had admitted. “A lot.”

And Hokuto was jealous of how easily Juri admitted he loved Yugo, because Hokuto, for sure, couldn’t tell the one he loved that he loved him. Because he was now his brother and again Hokuto felt the shadows calling for him.

He shook his head. “I think you should tell him.”

“They are dating already. I can’t break them up, I can’t do that to my sister, she is having it hard, she needs Yugo, they need to be together, they are making each other stronger. I’ll only drag him into the darkness with me and I can’t do that, Hokuto.”

“I know the darkness quite well.”

Sometimes, when Juri was having sex with one of the prettiest girls, he’d think, why the fuck wasn’t he in love with her, her who was pretty, clever, and carefree, instead of pining for that stupid boy that is currently dating his sister? But then he would see Yugo and again, he would fall in love all over again.

Hokuto saw it all. 

And he felt like he was seeing himself through Juri.

And it made him angrier at life.

“Are you two dating?” Yugo once asked Hokuto. 

Somehow, Yugo noticed how close Hokuto and Juri grew. Juri would barely speak to Yugo during judo, would forget to answer Yugo’s texts, and would avoid answering the phone. He would pretend he was with one of his girls but Yugo knew Juri was mostly spending time with Hokuto.

They had gathered together to celebrate summer, for once resting from a very tough year as they closed on the end of high school. It was during a late night when everyone was too wasted to sing that Yugo and Hokuto crossed paths in the hallway while Yugo was coming back from the restroom and Hokuto was looking for Juri.

“Why do you care?”

“You’ve been incredibly hostile for the past few months,” Yugo remarked.

“It’s because I care about Juri, at least.” Hokuto spat, not hiding his dislike.

“Because I don’t?”

“Obviously not, Kochi. If so, you’d have noticed the state he’s in.”

“He brought it to himself, he’s the one who didn’t want to commit.”

“How easy it was for you… Not being able to commit to one twin, so you went to the other. Must be nice.”

Blood rushed to Yugo’s head before he punched Hokuto in the face.

“Fuck you, Hokuto!” Yugo yelled as Hokuto staggered back, feeling dizzy from the hard punch but not yet falling to the ground. 

Yugo might look thin but the guy could really punch, Hokuto had thought.

“Yeah. With Juri’s help, so what? Are you jealous now?! A bit late, don’t you think?” Hokuto screamed, lips curled into a cruel smile, just to piss Yugo off. He just wanted to hurt Yugo the same way he was hurting Juri. He just wished Yugo could understand Juri. Like, Hokuto wished Jesse would understand his feelings .

“Hey, you two stop it!” Taiga suddenly appeared and ran towards them, separating the two who were now fisting each other’s shirts, so ready to fight again and again. Maybe it was the alcohol rushing to their head that turned them red with anger but Taiga knew that if they didn’t calm down now, they would all end up in trouble for underage drinking. He and Jurin had great careers awaiting them and couldn’t sabotage it because two of their friends were fighting about their sex lives. “Please! We can’t bring attention to us, please guys, stop it, let it go. Let’s go home.” Taiga begged them as the two reluctantly released each other’s shirts.

The big commotion made Juri and Jurin come out of the karaoke room who then saw Yugo and Hokuto’s faces ruined by blood and bruises.

Hokuto later asked to be transferred back to his own high school, even if it was for a few months. He couldn’t stand being back there, even if it meant that he had to deal with Jesse and his family a bit more than usual.

It was fine.

Soon, Hokuto would get the fuck out of this house, far from everyone he knew where he could build himself again. So he would stop thinking about the loves that he would never have.

Hokuto never knew that Yugo would steal all of them.

He hated the guy so much.

Yugo who was the first to reach out to Hokuto ended up stealing everything from him.

June 11th, 2021

Settling into your room was extremely strange. First because, although you had left quite a while ago, I still could smell the citrus all around. 

When I first rummaged through the closets, I found a toiletries bag with your perfume, your shower gel, a toothbrush, and a few clothes that you left behind. I was surprised to see that you did not take everything with you as I found in the corner a few plain white boxes carefully tucked away, piled on each other. 

Out of curiosity, I kneeled down to open those boxes.

It was full of pictures you had taken. There were quite a few of Juri in the first box, a little bit of Jurin and Taiga. Weirdly, I find one of Hokuto. Behind each picture were written the date and their names. 

Then, I opened the second box.

My heart almost stopped beating.

It was full of pictures of me. None of them were marked, no name, no date.

I did know that you had taken so many pictures of me. You took one at the restaurant we went to eat but you also took one when I was sleeping here, when I was studying at the table, when I was typing away furiously at the coffee shop. 

Actually, most of them were from the coffee shop.

So when I was not looking, you were?

I almost forgot how to breathe when I look at all of those pictures you have been taking for more than a year. One by one. Every one of them were proofs that you were looking at me.

And yet.

You are still not mine, Yugo.

I could not stop any of my tears from rolling over my cheeks and pathetically falling on the white cardboard boxes that contained your memories.

After more than a week, I am now slowly getting used to your room, I opened all the drawers to see what you have left. Those were all parts of you, traces of you that make me discover a little more about you. It is funny that you have left a few cameras. I have this feeling that you left reasons to come back. That you will not leave completely, even if you are getting married. I assume that you wanted to keep the place as a plan b or an exit if you ever wanted to run away.

Do you want to run into Juri’s arms when everything goes wrong with Jurin? 

The question was running through my mind during the whole week — truthfully, I have not gone out much.

I clean and cook for Juri, sometimes I have to do some errands or show up at the university for a symposium or two but generally, I just stay in this room. This room of yours. It is still yours since I did not bring much with me as I was fast at moving in, happy to unchain myself from my rent and from that place that reminded me so much of the wrongs I have done.

In the closet, I hung my clothes a bit farther from yours, leaving your space untouched, and replaced carefully the pictures back into the box without telling Juri about it.

At night, I sometimes lay on the floor where we had sex for the first and last time, I still can remember the moans and the groans your throat produced when you were taking me, remember our flesh slapping against each other, remember your eyes filled with pleasure, as much as I could discern in the bleak luminosity of that night. I remember the salty taste of your sweat on the tip of my tongue, I—…

…jerk off thinking about you.

Other times, like today, I stare at those pictures of myself.

Was this how you saw me? I wonder as I stare at those pictures again and again. It is strange to look at yourself but I want to understand what you felt when you took those, to the point I cannot recognize myself on paper anymore.

I hear the bell of the door ring and immediately rush to it before it could bother Juri in his important game. He wanted quiet and asked not to be bothered for a couple of hours.

But when I open the door, you are here, standing straight as you are already pulling the key out of your pocket to use it.

You kept your key.

You did want to come back, did you?

Your eyes are widening, obviously surprised to see me.

“Is— ? Isn’t it Juri’s house?” You ask and I can read in your eyes that you do not recognize me, or you are a bit taken aback by my presence.

“Why do you have the key to his place?” I pretend not to know you either. Why do I have to be the only one suffering from not remembering? I also want to forget, but the only thing I can do now is pretend.

“Jesse?” Juri calls for me as he scrambled from his bedroom but I do not move from the door. “Jesse, who is it?”

“It’s Yugo,” I accidentally and automatically answer, forgetting for a few seconds that I was pretending not to know you.

“J-Jesse?” You repeat slowly and I see a hint of recognition flashing through your eyes.

Now, I feel guilty. Am I being too harsh on you when I know that you have troubles? 

Juri appears behind me and his face loses all of its colors when he sees you. That is the effect that you have on us, I guess.

“Huh… Hi Juri.” He nods. “Sorry I didn’t call before, I just came to pick up something. Since you don’t come down often anymore I just… came.”

Of course, Juri nods and allows you in while saying:

“Sure… He’s living in your room now, though.”

You look at me with big, round eyes. I can see your trembling irises while you are staring. I wish I could ignore it, because it makes my heart pound loudly in my chest. I will never be able to forget you no matter what, especially not when you are looking at me like this, I cannot help but think that you love me.

Perhaps you do not and I am mixing up desire and reality. Either way, you step inside the flat, removing your shoes with care. It is true, you step inside a palace where we worshipped you.

“I was waiting for the food delivery guy… I ordered some good food for you.” Juri mutters in his breath as he turns towards me and takes his lowest, softest voice as he says: “I’m sorry, I wish I had better to offer for your birthday.”

I have forgotten about my own birthday.

It doesn’t matter anymore, to be honest. It is the same old me. 

Still, I thought it was such a great coincidence that you found me on my birthday. Although you are not mine, I am quite thrilled to see you alone even if I am not keen on celebrating my birthday, seeing you is one of the greatest presents that the universe has to give me.

“Thank you, Juri,” I tell him before he looks at me and you. He does not know what to do. Should he leave? He is troubled by your presence in the apartment even if he has seen you so many times during those past months. 

Is he worrying about me melting down again? 

But I am fine. 

More than fine. 

I missed you so damn much, missed seeing your face, missed your smiles and your eyes, missed the way your ears redden when it gets a bit hot, the way you fiddle with your lower lip when you are nervous or anxious. Even if it hurts that you are not mine, not being able to see you was the worst thing, especially when your hair is falling a little bit over your shy eyes as you suddenly stare at your feet. I might be staring at you with too much intent. I just really missed you…

“I— I’ll just go back to my match. Just… ask Jesse if you need anything… you two know the place anyway…” Juri ends up saying, retreating to his cave. He is running away again, I can tell. He owns the place but he would rather have us take care of it instead.

You look up again at me, still with your round eyes, nonverbally asking me if you can enter my bedroom in spite of the room also (still) being yours. 

I lead the way to your bedroom, and when you cross the threshold, moving slowly around the room, inspecting the place, I can see that you notice that I have moved nothing ever since you left, only adding a few clothes in the closet. 

I was too afraid to upset the order of your space.

When I saw all of these things, I had a feeling you would come back.

As you impregnated yourself with the place, you start to search through the drawers in the cabinet.

“Do you need help?”

“I’m looking for papers, medical papers. A prescription.” You tell me.

“Hmm…” I pause as I am thinking. “I think I saw some of those in the nightstand drawer,” I admit, a bit embarrassed that I actually know where is your stuff better than you. I know your memory is failing you and that it is legitimate as I took over the room but it genuinely feels like we were living together and we broke up but we did not even have the time to be together before breaking up. You immediately kneel in front of your bedstand and open the first drawer and stare at the first paper. It seems it was what you were looking for as you fold the paper in fours before putting it away in the back pocket of your jeans. “Was it everything you needed?”

You do not answer as I see you glance quickly at the closet.

Without even answering me, you immediately walk towards the closed doors of the closet and slide its doors open and step inside, you see your clothes, mine on the other end and I see you head towards where the white boxes were supposed to be. 

I had moved them.

“Where are the boxes I left there?” You ask me, with a hint of threat in your voice but I just smile because you actually remembered.

“Under the bed.”

“Why?”

“Because I look at them sometimes.”

“Why?”

“Because you never told me you took pictures of me.”

“…Those are memories .”

“Why don’t you write down my name on the pictures?” I ask, because I am obviously jealous of how you took the time to write down names and dates for the others but not with mine.

“I don’t remember your name sometimes,” you say as you rummage around, still looking for something.

“Are you looking for this too?” I ask you as I hold a blister pack between my fingers. They were definitely medical pills. “Why do you have those in the photographs’ boxes?”

“It’s my own business.”

“Are those drugs?”

“What do you want from me, Jesse?” You start to lose patience, and I know I just hit a nerve.

“So you remember me.”

“Of course.” You say but I know you can be quite irrational and confused. I am confused by everything that you do, I feel like there is much more than just forgetting.

“I want—“

“Is that my ring?” You suddenly ask, your eyes fixing at my fingers.

Caught redhanded, like a child, I hide my left hand behind me, but it was too late. You step forward, close to me.

“Where did you find it?” You ask as you grab my arm, and reach for my hands, your digits grazing over the precious metal.

“I won’t tell you.”

“Can you give it back to me?”

I shake my head as I pull away from you.

“I can’t.”

“Why not?” You wonder as you frown. And I hate it when your eyebrows are laced, showing the confusion that characterizes you ever since we met.

“Because you broke your promise. You told me you’d wait before proposing and you—“

“Didn’t you run to Hokuto that night?” You are crossing your arms.

“You remember the most stupid shit, you know that?”

“Yeah, and I saw him all over you, you even left the table to do whatever. Don’t tell me what I have to do when you literally sleep with everyone.”

I wish I could cry but my anger is stronger than the swords disguised as words were piercing through me. 

“B-But I… I only had you in mind.”

“Who are you dating? Your fuck up of a brother or Juri? Juri won’t be able to handle you anyway, he’s too scared, he’ll run away to another girl as soon as he can.”

“Fuck you Yugo,” I literally scream at you as I step closer to you and suddenly I can feel your breath on my skin and I am so close that you step back until you fall back into the closet. “You’re the one who dated and proposed to a gentle girl while you were still fucking her brother at night so you don’t get to say that my brother is fucked up.”

“Did you know? About him and Juri?”

“I don’t care.”

“But you fucked both.”

I suddenly stop moving, almost stepping back. I never told you about Hokuto, the mistake that I had made on a moment of vulnerability.  “How— How do you know about Hokuto?”

“He came to brag. He thought I’d forget but I— I couldn’t, no matter how hard I wanted. Perhaps I need more pills, I don’t know. I’m not sure. Some memories are stronger than others.”

“Yugo, that was a mistake. I got carried away because you—“ I swallowed words with saliva back inside me. I could not say them if you were to forget again… could I? “Y—Y—You got under my skin.”

“Is that why you hold onto my ring?”

“Probably.”

“Can I get those back? The pills and the ring.” 

“No.” I firmly answer.

“What do you want in exchange?”

I do not say it but I look at you with an intensity that left no room for imagination.

You hesitate.

“Okay. I’ll sleep with you.”

“Yugo…”

It is even worse. To be gifted sex. I feel like you are just a prize that I had extorted from you. Everything is ephemeral and you are not promised to me for a lifetime.

“Don’t cry,” you whisper as you brush away the tears that have started flowing and falling across my cheeks. “Please.”

“I don’t want it. I don’t want to give you back the ring, I don’t want you to take those pills. I don’t want you to go back to her, Yugo. Please, don’t go… Stay. Stay with me…” I beg you as my hands are now clutching on your shirt.

As I cry inconsolably in your arms, we both fall on the floor, in that little corner of the closet where the white boxes used to be. I feel bad for displacing them but I did not expect you to come back so soon and look for them.

I cannot stop the tears from falling as you tighten your arms around my body as we are lying on the floor, you leave a soft kiss on the top of my head.

“I’m sorry for being so selfish,” you told me with a vulnerability I have never heard before.

The door is still open when I suddenly rise from the floor and look at you. Yeah. You are selfish, Kochi Yugo. You made me fall hard, you made me hope, and you dare to be jealous of those I sleep with while you are the one who keeps stepping on my heart, crushing it with violence and cruelty. Every single day. You may forget about me tomorrow, but I know you will remember me the day after. I do not know what you are some days and yet, I cannot stop thinking about you.

And when you do, I want you to come back. No matter how many times it takes, I want you to come back.

I am angry at you for being selfish, for giving yourself to me as easily as you do. Why do you have to make it easy for me to get addicted to you? Am I destined to be bound to you forever? Even if it is not, I still want to be bound to you in this lifetime, no matter what.

I quietly slide the door of the closet shut before removing my shirt, throwing it somewhere.

I am not your promised, I am not your childhood crush, I am just me . Poor me who is so desperate for any hint of affection from you…

I want you even if it is an exchange, a gift or whatever. Right now, I will take anything . 

You are laying on your elbows and you stare at my chest so intently, I am glad that the closet is fully lit so I can see your eyes. Your eyes, you know, they do not lie. And they tell me that you also want me, and instead of kissing you or trying to remove anything, I immediately go down on you, right over your crotch to bite so slightly the bulge. 

Will it erect fully for me? 

You moan and I lose it.

I slap a hand on your throat, feeling the shape of your Adam’s apple prickling the palm of my hand before slightly closing my fingers around the length of your neck. I hate how exposed it is, it makes me want to lick it, bite and kiss it — so I do, as my fingers loosen and travel along your collarbones.

I have always noticed how beautiful your collarbones looked, making me want to rip your shirt apart — so I do — buttons of your shirts popping off on the floor.

Because tonight, you are mine .

And instead of being scared, instead of hating it, your eyes are filled with want and your legs are opening for me to sneak between them. I grab your thighs and rub my clothed cock against your own before grinding it over your impenetrable hole, making moans spill out of your mouth.

“Come on,” you start to get impatient, but Yugo, you know what? I have got the whole night for myself, and today I do not care if Juri hears you from his room, I do not care that Jurin is waiting for you at home, I do not care that you actually have lube and condoms in your back pocket, making me think that you just came to be fucked.

I am scared to find out if you had actually prepared yourself.

If so, it meant that you did not expect me but rather Juri to have sex with you… The thought just angered me so much that I literally throw the packets away as I keep thrusting although everything that I am currently doing is feeling the shape of your ass with my sex. I do not want to give you what you want right away, I want to make it last until you cannot hold it anymore as my hands are feeling every inch of your skin, feeling the pumping veins under my fingers and the perky nipples hardening between my digits. I nibble on the tiny buds very slightly. Just enough to make you feel, but not enough to make you hurt even if the itch to hurt you is strong.

I want to hurt you just enough to make you remember me, but not enough to make you hate me. I just wished you could understand what I am feeling right now. I want you to feel how much I love you so I give you everything in every thrust.

June 12th, 2021

You’re gone and you took everything with you: the ring, the pills, my heart.

And, the only thing you left behind was the wedding invitation on the nightstand.

Later that day, I find out that a few of my clothes are missing.

Along with the white boxes of photographs.

But there’s one photo that I found under the bed, maybe you left it by mistake when you left in a hurry, or maybe because you wanted me to have it as a reminder of you.

June 13th, 2021

“Is Hokuto invited to the wedding?” I ask Juri early in the morning as we are having cereal.

He is on his phone while I am randomly scrolling through pages of notes I have jotted down on my laptop. We are sitting in front of each other as I stretch my legs under the table. I have this feeling that I have taken all the space in Juri’s but he does not mind at all.

But, Juri is never uncomfortable. On the contrary, he has been extremely gentle with me which troubles me. His considerate kindness is starting to touch me and I wonder if he has taken pity on me. He sometimes looks at me with eyes that tell me that he feels guilty. He is, in no way, involved in the deep pain I feel for Yugo. That pain, even if it hurts, I chose it. I chose Yugo, I choose him every single day. I would spend a lifetime choosing him.

“I don’t think so. I told you Yugo and Hokuto can’t stand each other anymore.” Juri says, considering the question seriously.

“If he goes, I can’t go, but if he doesn’t go, I still don’t want to go.” I deduce.

“Shouldn’t you be talking to him?”

“Not everything has to be talked through, Juri.”

“Yeah but, he’s your brother.”

“Not to him, that’s the whole problem. When you talked about revenge, I just thought that if I brought Hokuto, it’d make more impact.” I tell him, shrugging my shoulders.

“I should’ve guessed you were as fucked up.”

I do not want to tell him that I wanted to get back at you for leaving this invitation on the bedside table. I have not opened it, I have not touched it but every time I go to bed, I stare at it to remind myself that I should probably let it go. Sometimes, I just want to rip it and throw it into the bin. Just like my love for you. But I can’t rip my own heart out my chest, can I? This invitation was the last thing I have wanted to see when I woke up. I just wanted to see your face when I woke up, not the terrible reminder that you are still not mine and that no matter what I do, no matter the time we spend together, inside each other, you still do not change your mind.

“I don’t wanna go.” I whine.

“Not even with me?” Juri asks, with a soft voice, half teasing half sincere. 

“…” He knows that I am getting weaker to his requests. 

“Well, tell that to Jurin yourself, she’s coming over.”

“What?!”

Juri does not justify himself, and in fact, he does not have to. I sometimes forget he has a twin sister and I absolutely did not think I would have to meet her again since that New Year party. I have to put up on my best smile, the best mask so she does not find out I was fucking you, her future husband, just two days ago.

I should feel guilty but I am not. I am not apologizing for loving you.

I am just jealous that she gets to marry you when I know deep down, you should be marrying me instead.

“Does she know I am living with you?” I ask him, a bit anxious and his lips are tugging into a smile.

“Of course I’ve told her. Actually, I think she comes to officially ask me to be her best man.”

“Isn’t she supposed to ask a girl?”

“I think you should know by now that we don’t do things by the rules. I’m her twin, it makes no sense for me to be Yugo’s best man…. Considering all things.”

“Who would be Yugo’s then?”

“Most probably Kyomoto Taiga,” Juri randomly says his full name, forgetting I did meet him briefly during that hellish New Year’s Eve party, and I frown at the sudden family name. When I think about it, Taiga never introduced his last name, but that last name…

I have seen it before. 

On Yugo’s medication prescription.

“Unless he asks you.” Juri adds and we both stare at each other. Would you ask me to be your best man? When you barely remember me unless you are in my bed.

“Is she really coming to talk about their wedding? I really don’t want to go, I don’t know how to tell her that.” I suddenly panic at the idea of having to explain myself. I hate having to explain myself, why do I have to prove myself to anyone? I wish I just could tell her the truth so you two would fall to pieces the same way I am.  

“I’ll be there,” Juri insists because obviously, he does not want to go without a fellow heartbroken partner. The more the merrier, perhaps?

“No, you’ll be busy taking care of your sister.”

We both fall into silence. Only noises of our spoons clinking with the porcelain of our bowls. I nervously drink my coffee as Juri says:

“It’ll truly make him angry if you bring Hokuto, though.” 

“I was just saying. To be honest, I can’t face Hokuto. I don’t know how, anymore.”

“Why?”

And I did not want to tell Juri about that, although I can see in his eyes that he makes the right suppositions and he has it all figured out.

“I see,” he mutters. “It happens, when you’re sad, you make mistakes.”

“I can’t forgive myself for that. It was everything I did not want to do and yet… I lost it. I wasn’t thinking straight.”

He does not have the time to question me any longer when the bell rings and Juri immediately invites his sister in. Panic starts flooding into me immensely, I start wondering if she will ask to go inside her fiancé’s bedroom because it is still full of his stuff and I still did not take away the trash where our filled condoms were loosely tied and carelessly thrown away. What if she saw all of that? What if she understood? What if she knew? What if she wanted to kill and slap me for holding onto his ring — proof of their love — for a while?

“Hey, Jesse!” She immediately greets me with a huge smile that sweeps all of my anxieties and worries away.

“Hey Jurin,” I greet her as we briefly hug. She looks so bright and her voice is so chirpy that she must have come with only good news, I thought to myself.

“I can’t believe you two are living together now!” She laughs as she removes her sneakers and her varsity jacket. Her style is very similar to her brother’s. She seems to be dressing often casually, but from what I understood she is also an athlete, so I guess that she likes to be comfortable in her own clothes. The more I learn about her, the more I understand why you fell for her.

She is a casual and cheerful girl who is not afraid of anything, just like you. And perhaps, I could have fallen in love with her as well, if I do, what would you do? Would you look at me ?

“Juri has been kind enough to lend me a small part of his flat.” I humbly tell her.

“I think he was just lonely without Yugo!” She jokes, and she cannot be more right.

“Shut up, he just wanted to run away,” Juri says calmly and I can feel his sister’s eyes on me, tilting very slightly her head, wondering what Juri meant.

I should feel betrayed but Jurin actually says before going to the kitchen to help herself with a glass of apple juice that actually belongs to me (it is fine, we keep sharing) :

“Ah, Hokuto? I’ve heard.” Jurin’s voice is small as if she knew the secret.

“How?”

“Despite his and Yugo’s weird rivalry, Hokuto and I are good friends. He told me about you before, when he was feeling the lowest in the past years, he relied a lot on Shin and me. So I invited him to the wedding anyway. As long as Yugo and Hokuto don’t start a fist fight, it should be alright.”

For years, when Shintaro and I were still in high school, he used to tell me that having a serious competitor was what fueled him, what made him enjoy snow and surf so much but at some point, he started to have doubts and worries. Shintaro was not understanding anymore what he liked so much about it, what was the point of it when he had other goals in life too.

I had listened to him without knowing that Shintaro had given up on the competition because his rival was not around anymore to rival with him.

I found out much later, on a drunk night that the rival was Jurin. 

Hearing her call him by his nickname makes me realize how much we all grew up, how much we have changed in the past years. I also wonder if I will grow out of this insatiable passion. I hope so, because I start regretting hurting Jurin so much in the process. 

She is not, now, but she will, eventually. 

Because of you, because of me.

Does she deserve the same throbbing pain I am going through? I do not think so. I can handle it, I can take everything when it comes from you, but others cannot. I can live with the pain of loving you, but Jurin might not be able to live with the heartbreak that you will give her.

“Jurin?” I call as I sit next to her on the sofa, imagining Hokuto getting into a fight with you.

“What’s up?” She asks as she is munching on a cookie that Juri gives her from a jar that he apparently hid since I threw all the others away (Juri has an unhealthy diet).

“I don’t think I can come to your wedding.”

“What?! Why?” She yells, shocked by the news.

“…I can’t attend if Hokuto’s coming.” I lie, because it is easier to use Hokuto as a scapegoat.

“You cannot make us choose!” She complains, offended that I am picking a side. But it is so much more than picking a side and I wish I could tell her that.

“You don’t have to, I’m withdrawing.”

“Well, you’ll tell that to Yugo yourself this weekend because I came to ask you Juri,” she says as she turns towards him,“if we can join our birthdays this year.”

“You never want to share your birthday usually, what happened?” Juri asks.

“I am busy with the wedding preparation.”

“You have a wedding planner that mom pays for, why are you lying?”

“Juri, we are tired and stressed. Work has been a pain in my ass, I might quit by the end of the year. And I think Yugo is feeling a bit down, I just want him to enjoy his time with everyone, it’d be much more fun to be all together, don’t you think? Also, if you, Jesse, can make peace with Hokuto, both of you can attend my wedding…”

“Hokuto would come for you, but I’m not sure he’d come for Yugo,” Juri remarks as he puts the jar away but I see him hiding it under the sink.

“That’s exactly why I need all of us to be together!” 

“I don’t think you can fix this, Rin.”

“We can celebrate your birthday too, Jesse,” She insists.

“It’s fine, I don’t need it.” I tell her, turning her down gently.

“You look sad,” she tells me as she looks at me in the eye.

I cannot tell her why I look sad. We are staring at each other and I cannot read much in her eyes except this unbeatable brightness and cheerfulness that suddenly makes me wonder why I am also ruining her in our tumultuous affair. 

“I’ve been through a rough patch on the thesis, I’ve been losing my confidence in my own subject. I’m losing my focus. I think I want to give up.” 

“But, if you love it and are passionate about it, don’t give up,” she says and I cannot help myself but glance at Juri who gives me his most compassionate look ever.

I am sorry.

Jurin had a hell of a schedule. 

In winter, she had to train for snowboarding. In summer, she would train for surfing. Oftentimes, her coach would gather all his students, rent a bus and the whole team would go to the beach or the mountains to train for weeks or a whole weekend. Jurin was the best snowboarder while Shintaro was the best surfer. It made her mad that the guy was better than her and she didn’t want to lose to him. So she trained harder.

But it was always around competition time that Jurin would start breaking down. She could handle stress most of the time, but there were times, she just couldn’t. She would have liked to blame it on her hormones or her pms but she wasn’t someone very affected by menstrual pain or side effects, she couldn’t even blame her condition for being so stressed and emotional. She actually knew why she was being like this, it was simply because she wanted to be the best at everything: at school, at home, at snowboarding, at surfing… She knew she couldn’t do it all and no one ever pressured her, her parents always told her to take it easy but she couldn’t. She loved what she did but she loved the feeling of accomplishment and pride that came with winning.

And so, when Shintaro beat her in every competition, she was furious. So furious, she would start arguing with him when they had to ride the same bus, the same car, or share the same room for lunch or dinner, she would become so fussy that she became unbearable. She knew she was impossible to live with but she was bothered by the existence of this boy who was better than her.

When she was at school, she would randomly think about how she lost the last competition and would literally melt into a puddle of tears. That was how Yugo came to her rescue. He would listen to her calmly. Juri would always tell her to forget about him but Yugo gave no judgment on how to feel and that always made her feel better even if he would not advise her on anything. Maybe because he was a new ear willing to listen to her.

But when she came home and decided she had to stop judo for her own sanity, Juri looked relieved and she didn’t understand why until he started ignoring her when she started to have those meltdowns and have Yugo come to calm her down. Somewhere, inside her heart, she knew she was stealing Juri’s best friend. She would often feel bad for not sharing but for once, she didn’t feel anything. Her brother was being childish and she had better things to do.

That was the first breach in their relationship, they who were twins and had to share everything, everyone. Even their names and their birthdates were the same. Jurin eventually chose another date to celebrate her birthday, even chose to bear their mother’s last name instead of their father’s so they would not get mixed up all the time. They would dye their hair in different colors even if the school forbid it, they couldn’t care less. So Juri was Tanaka Juri born on June 15th and she was Asaya Jurin born on June 19th. They weren’t hiding the fact they were twins but they had shared so many things already, they were their own person with their own lives so they couldn’t play mix-ups anymore. Those times were over. When Jurin wanted to secure her relationship with Yugo, she knew that she wouldn’t have to share him with Juri anymore.

Maybe.

At least, Juri would not have to share her successes in her sports.

But even there, she had to share the first spot with Shintaro and it drove her insane. She didn’t want to share, she didn’t even want to be beaten at the only thing she was good at, and thus, she worked so hard in trying to become first in the last year of high school competitions. Even for exams, she did everything she could to be at the top of her class. Even if she couldn’t, she took pride in being higher in the rankings than Shintaro.

“Don’t forget yourself,” Yugo would tell her but she wasn’t. Herself was full of successes.

Then came the accident.

She had broken her ankle the day before the most important moment of her life.

She had cried so much as she stared at her swollen ankle. If it wasn’t hurting already, she’d have punched it again and again.

Why her? Why at this moment? It was the last year she could prove herself.

And then, Shintaro came to the hospital, with flowers and oranges and she didn’t understand.

She couldn’t even conceive it — him missing the competition to visit her at the hospital.

“If you aren’t here to compete with me, why should I?” Shintaro told her.

He was smiling while saying that and Jurin never hated him so much that at this moment. Not only she ruined her chances, but she also ruined the chances of a great champion.

“Don’t cry. It’s fine, anyway. I gotta quit, I want to go to uni so I start studying more seriously,” he told her. “Maybe we can become friends instead of rivals. It’s tiring.”

“You stupid boy… You should’ve gone and won it all.”

“It’s fine. I wasn’t there to win, just to enjoy it.”

Once again, he proved himself to be such a carefree soul that perhaps she was the one who was entangling herself in a whirlpool of worries and self-doubt. 

Perhaps, both of them not attending the competition, losing it all and breaking an ankle was the perfect wake-up call.

June 15th, 2021

In the end, Juri and Jurin decided on celebrating the J-Day on the official date, for once Jurin was not Asaya Jurin born on June 19th but Tanaka Jurin born on June 15th. To make things easier, they decided to celebrate it at the coffee shop. Juri and Jurin asked me if I also wanted to celebrate it but I shook my head. 

I already celebrated it, with you in my bed. But I do not tell them that.

Just for her birthday, Jurin will be a real twin , as she revealed to me the other day, and she made me promise to come.

The truth is I never intended to come. I said I would go to make her and her brother happy.

The truth is I start to lose my resolve, I start to think that my love for you is gonna hurt her and I want to avoid you two as much as possible. I even start packing my things because it is time I cut ties with everyone attached to you, or else, I will never be able to forget about you. 

It is time for me to move out, to move on. 

I hurriedly gather my things and I keep thinking about how Juri offered me to stay as long as I wanted and I will miss him terribly, he has been such a supportive friend that I feel bad for leaving like a thief. I know he will not get mad at me for doing so, he understands what I am going through. I just needed to break free from all those places that reminded me of you. 

Perhaps I was a bit insane for staying so long.

I am way too much entangled in you.

The birthday party is actually a brunch on a sunny Sunday, meaning that it has started already when I am done packing. I hear my phone buzzing like crazy but I turn it off.

“Where are you going like that?”

My heart misses a beat and I stop breathing as I turn around and see you standing at the doorstep of the bedroom, your bedroom. 

I still want to leave, I have to go. I cannot stay here, in your space, around you. No, it is not possible anymore.

Why did I not hear you enter? I wonder as I watch you, looking fresh and dazzling. Your fists tightly hold onto a set of keys.

Ah , you and your freaking key, I suddenly remember.

Why do you have the key to everywhere?

“Why are you here? They must be missing you.”

Your eyebrows are laced again and the worry is painted all over your face. I avert my eyes, still ruffling clothes inside my bag.

“They are already drowning in their mimosas, don’t worry about it. Jurin and Juri have prepared something for you too, since it was your birthday, you should come.”

“It’s also Hokuto’s.” I ramble, I do not know why Hokuto comes to my mind. His birthday is actually in three days. He just became an easy exit to the hole that Yugo has opened in my heart and would not fill entirely.

“Oh.” He mouths. “So… you’re going to see him instead?” Your voice hardens and it makes my heart squeeze a little tighter.

I am still sitting in front of my luggage when suddenly, I decide to drop everything, to drop on my knees, tears in my eyes and a crack in my voice:

“Yugo?…” You do not answer, but you seem worried. “Let me go, please.”

And I know it is not what you wanted to hear, I can see that you want to cry, too. My words are finally hitting you, reaching you but you shake your head, not wanting to let me go. I feel your fingers gripping onto the bones of my shoulders, you want me to stand up, you want me to stand strong, you want me to stay.

“You should forget me for real, Yugo. Once and for all .” I repeat, as if you would understand better in other words.

Tears well in your eyes as I forcefully free myself from your grip and turn around to click the luggage shut and zip up my bag. The silence is deafening, along with your sobs. But I am numb for it. We cannot do that forever. I am not as strong as Juri.

No, actually, I have always been weak when it comes to you. 

But today, even your puffed, red eyes cannot convince me anymore.

“I don’t want to forget you, I don’t wanna,” you whine and it makes me want to take you in my arms.

“Didn’t you say you made your choice?” You nod weakly. “Jurin is the choice, the right choice, isn’t she?” And you nod again. “So, it’s better for us to stop there.”

But it makes you only cry harder and it takes all the strength that I have not to drop my bag and my luggage on the floor to kiss the tears away from your sad face. Why are you sad? You are getting married, you have the life you have always wanted to have. You graduated too and from what I have heard from Juri, you even found the perfect internship in a famous company. It is the beginning of a great life. And unfortunately, I cannot be a part of it. Because you made your choice already. You had your destiny written before I came along. My destiny was to meet you, and I was the obstacle in your life. I was selfish thinking that I could stay by your side if I stayed good and quiet, I was not thinking about you, I was not thinking about Jurin and about the life that you two deserve.

I am trying to be reasonable here but instead, you decide to grab the handles like a child throwing a tantrum and you make me lean towards you as your arms are suddenly gripping around my waist, holding firmly onto me. And you do not let go.

“Yugo…”

“No… Jesse…” You are pleading as I hear your breath catching in your throat. You want me to stay but you do not know how to say it and it is okay, I know you want me to stay. I truly wished that I could stay but we cannot blame anyone else but ourselves. But Yugo, you know that we cannot keep doing that anymore, not as we are getting so close to your wedding. Our passion was timed and the time has passed. 

“Please..” I beg you.

“Not you… I’m not… I can’t. Please .”

“What about Jurin?” I ask for the nth time and it hurts me even to mention her name but you do not listen to anyone or anything and you shake your head, rubbing your face against my back.

“I don’t know, Jesse, I don’t know… I can’t make it stop, but I don’t want to lose you. It’s killing me, I don’t sleep at night, I can’t do that to her. If we break up, I also lose her and I can’t lose her either, Jesse, please don’t give up on me, I—….”

I turn around and I do not know why my resolve melted so easily… I just kiss you because it was the right thing to do, the most natural thing to do, I love you so much that when you beg me like this, I cannot refuse anything to you. I know I will regret it tomorrow but my body is moving on its own and already we are making out desperately on the floor. Your lips taste salty as your tears melt inside my mouth.

And like so many times, we have sex together in this cursed room, although we were supposed to celebrate your fiancée’s birthday… But like you, I forget everything when I am holding you in my arms to make you stop crying. I kiss every parcel of your skin, licking those sweat and tears alike, swallowing your pain and your desire all at once again, and I still love it as the first day we made love. 

“Yugo… I’m tired…” I finally get the words out.

Your tears have dried up already and my resolve came back.

“You have to forget me.”

And I leave you in that bedroom.

6. Yugo.

Jesse vanished.

He vanished because he does not want to be found.

*

“Will Jesse come?” Yugo asked Juri. 

His best friend just shook his head. 

They both knew that if Jesse came, Yugo would probably put a stop to everything he had been building for years.

Yugo and Juri were drinking at some bar, not quite the groom’s party one would dream of but it was everything Yugo needed, some alone time with Juri. They didn’t get to spend so much time together  since they had to break this vicious cycle they’d both thrown themselves into. At that moment, it was just a precious time that Yugo knew would be the last before he tied the knot for real.

So Juri wondered if it was a good idea to give Yugo this piece of love he had been holding for so long ever since Jesse left. He picked it up from the trash a few hours after Juri came back from his party and found out that Jesse had moved out. He had felt suddenly so lonely and so incredibly sad because he came to really love Jesse. Deep down, Juri wanted to save him from the pain of loving Yugo but in the end, no one could help him. Jesse was gone and now, Juri was left with Yugo who would never be his but it was okay, Juri could always rebound. But Yugo and Jesse? Juri saw something in them he had never seen before. 

He couldn’t let it fade and die pathetically. 

He knew he was going to upset the smooth running of Jurin and Yugo’s destiny just by digging that diary out of the trash to give it to Yugo. 

He had a feeling that that was not the destiny they were supposed to pursue. 

“I know it’s not the right time, but I think this is the last step and if I don’t give it to you before you say yes, I’ll regret it again my whole life.” He handed Jesse’s journal to Yugo. “He forgot this when he left.” Juri lied. “You should read it, maybe to remember him, or just… feel his love for you.”

Because Juri felt Jesse’s love for Yugo while reading. He read it many times and cried every single time he flipped through the pages, each entry making his heart full of a sadness he never knew he could feel if it wasn’t his own.

Yugo looked at Juri with his brilliant brown eyes, not wanting to take it. “I’m getting married tomorrow, Juri. Why?”

Heaving a sigh, Juri answered: “Yeah, and yet, you asked me about Jesse. He’s important to you, no? You want him to come, right? You want him to steal you away, don’t you? You kept the pictures and threw the pills away, didn’t you?”

Juri and Yugo stared at each other in silence. He couldn’t deny it but he didn’t want to confirm the facts.

“You knew?”

Was Juri trying to sabotage his wedding? 

Perhaps, yes. 

To be honest, Yugo and Jurin had been extremely silent during the past few days, one could blame it on the stress of the wedding but Juri knew better.

He knew that Yugo and Jurin had other people in mind and he really needed them to stop this folly. He didn’t know how he ended up understanding that Yugo and Jurin, no matter how much they worked well together, were having serious doubts about their union of a lifetime. Perhaps Jurin was mirroring Yugo’s unconscious mental withdrawal, perhaps they both got together too young to commit to a lifetime together. Juri couldn’t be certain of anything because he wasn’t in their heads or in their hearts. But he had eyes and he could see things that can’t be spoken. 

Juri had seen how Yugo was losing focus. Even if he had stopped the pills, Yugo would sometimes open his wallet to flip the picture of Jurin he had kept. Behind Jurin was Jesse’s. Juri felt his heart break even more, not for himself, but for both his sister and Jesse.

“Taiga told me. But Yugo, you gotta understand something .”

“W-what?”

“He’s not going to be in love with you forever. Eventually, he’ll move on.” Juri told Yugo. “Maybe he already did.”

He’s not in love with him anymore, because he left. 

He will move on, yes, he thought.

So will he, Yugo thought, as he opened Jesse’s journal…

And, he read from the beginning of the diary: 

November 12th, 2020

He read Jesse’s love letters. 

He read his love, their love, over and over, again and again.

*

For quite a while, Yugo had been unable to sleep even more, with or without pills, so he just gave up on the pills. Gradually, the memories, that would sometimes come and go, just remained. 

Jurin had found those pills and had asked what they were for and Yugo would say that he couldn’t sleep without them. She never had been an invasive someone so she never pushed the matter much. Later, she did ask again why he was still taking those and Yugo just lied about them being prescribed. 

Of course, he lied. He couldn’t tell her that every three months, he would call Taiga so he could falsify a prescription. There were so many things he wished to forget, all those dark feelings that invaded his mind and made him unable to sleep soundly. He became so dependent on the pills that he didn’t care that he would forget things. He vaguely noticed how he was losing his mind — especially in the last years. Especially when his teachers asked him if he was getting himself checked because he kept forgetting important details: may it be deadlines, appointments, or things. 

Jurin was also starting to notice he was losing many things ever since they had started living together: he forgot his keys and had to wait in front of the door for hours until Jurin came back home. And luckily, she thought he was just under pressure and extremely tired. But it kept going: forgetting a chicken in the oven that it ended up burnt. 

Several times, Jurin asked him if he was okay and he said, yeah sure I am, maybe my medication is not working anymore. 

Because it was true: even with the pills, Yugo was still losing his sleep.

He kept thinking (dreaming wide awake).

About Jesse.

Jesse whose name was sometimes forgotten, yet he would always remember something about him. Like the way he smelled and Yugo liked to describe it as a Mediterranean sea, he liked to call him the Greek sunset in his head because he shone brightly amongst a crowd, even when he was crying because Yugo remembered how Jesse melted down when he was around him. Yugo was still in a blur where he couldn’t grasp the meaning of Jesse’s sadness. He wasn’t fully aware that he was the source of his pain but Yugo might have forgotten some things, he definitely couldn’t forget and not deny his own feelings. He always promised himself he had to forget Jesse after they had had sex but he would always go back on his words the next time he saw him, all of the good memories flooding back into his mind and the feelings overflowing in his chest. 

His face was unforgettable, even with the pills. 

And his love, too, made it hard for Yugo to sleep at night.

It made him start doubting his feelings for Jurin. He had no doubt about the stability and the righteousness of their relationship. 

Ever since high school, he was always there for her and she was there for him, they were different in so many ways but completed each other so well like a puzzle. They would never get angry at each other, they communicated perfectly and this was the most comfortable relationship he ever had.

He was tired of Juri wanting him before avoiding him when Yugo asked for something serious. He hated being in the blur, hated not being acknowledged fully by Juri. 

All he had ever wanted was Juri, and yet, he couldn’t give him that. 

Then Jurin needed Yugo and Yugo got closer to her, and loved her company so much. Jurin was a champion in everything and he loved being her support. He loved cooking for her when she was feeling sick, he loved taking her on a trip when she was feeling down. 

He loved her. 

As simple as that. 

And yet, there was this residue of dissatisfaction, it remained rooted in his heart. 

Everything was extremely soft when he was with Jurin, he always let her come onto him, she would be the one who would remove his shirt, and pleasure herself on him. Sometimes, he only watched her, and he wanted to give her everything he had because she was beautiful that way, and while he liked to have sex with her like a slow cold winter morning when he needed the comfort and the warmth, he missing terribly the hot summer nights he had with Juri. He had missed the unbearable crushing pressure of the heat and the stifling feeling of Juri’s cock inside him. He missed it so much to the point he couldn’t control himself when he was sharing beds and apartments with him, his mind screamed not to but his blurred mind couldn’t stop his body from already moving itself on Juri.

It only became worse when he met Jesse.

Jesse was the one who made Yugo doubt everything to the core, and the more he doubted, the more Yugo thought that he was alienating himself away from the right path.

But every time he saw him, it was like a punch in the gut, a memory that won’t fade away no matter the number of pills he swallowed.

Eventually, Yugo ripped the prescription paper and flushed the pills down the toilets before calling Taiga to tell him the truth.

He owed Taiga the truth — starting with those high school days when Yugo was falling for Juri but ended up with Jurin instead, losing his sleep over this and begging for a solution to a young Taiga who couldn’t help much except forging his dad’s doctor name to sign prescription for a drug Taiga had been recommended to. 

*

On the other side of the call, Taiga got so angry that he literally hung up on Yugo, he was furious that Yugo never told him about the side effects of that medicine although he had been prescribed him those pills for years.

“I’m going to kill you, Hokuto!!” Taiga shrieked through the apartment and marched towards him, ready to slap him across the face. It reddened Hokuto’s pale skin right away. “You fucking lied to me. You said they were harmless !!!! Do you know how long I’ve prescribed those freaking pills to him? Do you know how much that might have damaged his brain? Here I thought he was just like that but…”

Taiga was breathing so hard, his chest raising up and down as he was losing his words. He didn’t know how to process what just came down on him. Anger was perspiring out of his pores.

“He deserves it, doesn’t he?” Hokuto said, shrugging.

Taiga had never been madder in his whole life than during that day. 

He had worked so hard and so long and thought he had all figured it out but there was one thing he couldn’t have figured out and it was Hokuto.

Taiga trusted Hokuto so much ever since they had started playing Pokemon together, he was a safe haven, knowing that he was never judging him for consecrating his time to studying so he could catch up to his father. Hokuto understood the ambition behind his hard work but he betrayed him and he failed his best friend because of a longtime stupid crush he had on Hokuto. 

But in the end, Hokuto still loved Jesse and Juri in a way that made him dangerous. Taiga really thought that Hokuto would love him the same way eventually but he was so so wrong, and because of that he ruined his best friend.

Taiga swallowed his bitter and guilt-filled saliva.

“He does not , Hokuto. Kochi is my best friend, he has had a complicated mind but he was always there for me , for you , always there for Jurin, and never hated Juri for being indecisive. I gave him the pills that your lab was manufacturing because I trusted you . I wanted him to sleep peacefully at night, I wanted my best friend to feel better. He had so much on his mind… But I only made him more miserable.” Taiga was talking slowly, making sure that Hokuto would hear the anger in his words but even in his long soliloquy, Taiga was blaming himself for being too naive.

Hokuto frowned, almost placid and emotionless. “I wasn’t aware the long-term side effects would be so bad. I was just an intern at that lab… but you know, Taiga, I don’t really care. He stole everything from me. You guys love Yugo but he’s not a saint. It’s not the cruelest thing I can do to him." Hokuto paused as he remembered that New Year’s Eve when he kissed a very vulnerable Jesse and the things that they’d done afterwards would be the cruelty that would truly hurt Yugo. And Hokuto couldn’t bring himself to care. “He was addicted to the feeling of forgetting. It was easier to forget. He didn’t have to acknowledge his two-timing, that way.”

For the first time, Taiga didn’t recognize Hokuto. 

The man he had known for so long suddenly became a stranger. 

Or perhaps that was just the first time Taiga could see Hokuto’s true, bare face. 

The one that was full of jealousy and greed. 

It pained Taiga to see those feelings possess Hokuto’s frail traits. 

Taiga wanted to cry, he hated himself for being so stupid. How could he have not seen this earlier?

“You’re so fucked up, Hokuto. I— I— I quit.” Taiga simply said, thinking how he endangered his name and his dad’s just to prescribe those pills to Yugo, unaware that those were incredibly toxic for Yugo’s health. 

Taiga had never opened Hokuto’s heart and never will. 

It was tight shut, locked on people he would never have, and moments he would never live. 

Perhaps it was a good thing because at least, Taiga realized how naive he was. 

Taiga didn’t even think twice when he packed his clothes in a hurry before heading to the door without looking back at Hokuto. Opening the door, Taiga found Jesse waiting in front of the door, looking at him with deadpanned eyes. 

“Jesse? What are you doing here?” Taiga asked.

Immediately, Hokuto, who heard, strutted towards the door and almost stepped back in surprise when he saw the slouched shoulders and the sadness in Jesse’s eyes. 

He looked so small.

Jesse didn’t even ask why Taiga was there. The only thing he could utter was: “Can you make me forget?”

Anger forgotten, Taiga and Hokuto looked at each other, quizzically. 

***

**

*

Yugo was holding Jurin’s hand so hard that she thought that her bones would crack. They loved each other so much, why were they so nervous? 

Jurin looked at her soon-to-be husband, looking a bit sweaty under the sunshine and anxious about having to walk down the aisle. Jurin didn’t remember Yugo being so nervous during the small Shinto ceremony they held in the morning with only the presence of their families. They had exchanged cups and even if they were already tired midway, Yugo became more and more restless as they were greeting all of their guests crowding in the hotel lobby where they would hold the main ceremony, trading their kimonos for a white suit and dress.

Jurin was usually the nervous wreck but today, Yugo was so agitated that it started to get to her. She did wonder if it was the right thing to do, to marry each other in spite of their deep love for each other because Jurin felt something. At the bottom of her heart. She couldn’t explain it. A spark, maybe. A certain unhealthy interest in the one that she used to hate for so long. It developed over time but she crushed the feeling as soon as it birthed inside her chest.

Maybe it was the fact they met so many times afterward that took Jurin aback. Both have given up on competition, and yet, they were standing in front of each other like winners and she didn’t know why, she always felt the adrenaline running through her veins when she was in front of him.

But Yugo needed her as much as she needed Yugo.

She would never betray him.

Even if she knew.

She wasn’t dumb.

She knew she stole him away from Juri because she didn’t want to share.

She knew that Jesse was special.

Jesse was so easy to read — he was exuding love for Yugo.

But in the end, Yugo still came back to her.

As long as he came back, she’d stay.

And, then.

Jurin and Yugo were still bowing to some common friends they had in high school, catching up with them when their attentions were caught by Shintaro, Taiga, Hokuto, and Jesse coming out of the black minivan they had rented to drive to the countryside hotel where Jurin and Yugo were holding the ceremony. 

For the first time, that day, Jurin and Yugo unconsciously let go of each other’s hands.

“Jesse… Y—You… you came…” Yugo mumbled awkwardly, not even noticing that Hokuto was also there.

Jurin had to avert her eyes to avoid seeing the stars in Yugo’s eyes. It was painful for her to witness that on her wedding day. Their wedding day. 

What the fuck were they doing? She wondered, as she looked up and stared at Shintaro who shyly walked towards her with the largest sunny smile ever. He took her in his arms in a crushing hug and Jurin almost didn’t want him to let go of her if it wasn’t so hot outside. He hated the heat so much he came without a vest, his shirt was open and he didn’t bother with dress shoes. She really wanted to burst out of laughter but she retained herself. Shintaro was still that free spirit she used to hate so much in him.

At the corner of her eye, she saw how Jesse and Yugo were still staring at each other before Jesse gave Yugo a soft almost weak embrace, and heard him say: “Of course… You… you’re gorgeous, Yugo.”

“So are you.” Yugo answered, relieved that Jesse didn’t forget him and seemed not to have moved on yet. 

Yugo could still hear Jesse’s love in his voice and see the shine in his eyes.

“No… No. It’s your wedding. You’re the most beautiful man here,” Jesse first said and although butterflies started to bloom and spread inside Yugo’s stomach because the compliment was so straightforward and sincere, he had never hated the next sentence so much: “It’s because you’re marrying the most beautiful woman out there that you’re so radiant.”

Suddenly, Yugo’s dreams were crushed. Crushed. Crushed. The butterflies faltered as soon as they bloomed. Ephemeral, like Yugo’s hopes. 

What was he expecting?

“Yeah.” Yugo said, his face closing, and his eyes losing focus. “Thank you.”

His words became empty. 

He couldn’t care less about anything anymore. 

He turned around and grabbed Jurin’s smaller hand again in his. 

“Let’s go get married,” Yugo whispered, kissing the back of Jurin’s hand, a bitter smile stretching his lips.

She nodded, forgetting about the tiny hope that the glass would break.

*

“Guys.” Hokuto could tell that Jesse’s face had never been so pale with pain and sorrow as Jurin and Yugo were walking down the aisle together because it was how they’d always done things: together, hand in hand. 

At that precise moment when Hokuto turned towards Jesse, Hokuto’s heart was truly breaking for Jesse, and for the first time in his whole life, he regretted it all. 

Regretted ever feeding Yugo shit to make him forget everything, regretted ever hurting Jesse or Taiga or anyone in the process of his vengeance. 

He felt like he had done more damage than anything. 

He realized it when Jesse was quivering as his fingers closed tight on Hokuto’s wrist. 

It hurt, he thought, and probably, Jesse’s insides were hurting much more than that. 

“I want to leave… please, take me away. It didn’t work.” Jesse breathed out, losing all the oxygen in his lungs.

Jesse felt his body not responding anymore; tears were starting to flood his eyes as his mind was shutting down. His heart was tired of the love he couldn’t fulfill. 

He hated it all. 

He thought he could handle one last thing for them, just for their happiness… 

but he couldn’t, in the end.

It was too hard. Jesse felt like his heart was being stabbed by a knife that would keep being dug deep inside him.

Hokuto and Taiga watched Jesse crumble in front of them, once again. And they knew they didn’t just fuck Yugo up, they really destroyed Jesse too. 

Only Shintaro had the courage to take Jesse’s arms to make him stand up. “Come on, Jesse. Let’s be strong. Let’s leave.” He said and Jesse heard something about living but he didn’t want to anymore.

And the two left, leaving Hokuto and Taiga behind. Maybe Jurin and Yugo noticed that the two left the crowd but they pretended not to see anything because it was not the right moment to drop the mask.

“Hope you’re happy,” Taiga spat accusatorially.

“I’m not,” Hokuto admitted in a voice that Taiga had never heard before. 

Hokuto sighed. “…I really fucked everything up and I don’t know if I can make it right anymore…”

Taiga almost fell from his chair at the sudden change of behavior. He didn’t expect Hokuto to mellow down and admit so openly his mistakes.

“I was so wrong.”

But it was too late.

Yugo and Jurin were already promising each other a lifetime.

*

It was during a small party at night organized for close friends just to celebrate a little bit, after Jurin and Yugo had kissed each other to seal their partnership, Hokuto took them apart, with Juri and Taiga.

When they were far away from the guests, Jurin and Yugo suddenly dropped the mask and looked awfully dejected on their wedding day.

“You shouldn’t have gone through this,” Juri said and he knew how ridiculous he sounded, how too late it was. Juri could’ve fought harder for them to stop.

“After all the time, the money, and everything invested, we had to,” Jurin responded, annoyed that their friends decided to come out about their true feelings so late. She was a bit guilty of it too, she was not only annoyed at her friends but at herself for doing nothing and believing in the illusion that everything was perfectly fine.

Nothing was and her heart, too, was in despair.

“You just look even more miserable. I thought you two were the right choice,” Juri nagged, as he started to understand that everyone thought that they were the right choice and that the wedding would make smooth things down, make it all better.

It just made things worse.

“Juri, don’t pile on it, please,” Taiga advised as he pulled the chair next to him to force Juri to sit down. 

He did.

“I thought Yugo would stop it all, when I gave him Jesse’s diary, but he didn’t!” Juri was talking to Taiga but everyone heard. Juri was slowly coming back to his senses, just realizing that his sister and his best friend married for real.

“Jesse’s diary?” Jurin asked and Yugo licked his lips before pulling it out of his inner pocket. 

He couldn’t leave it anywhere. He needed it to have it with him, close to him.

Jurin took it without any comment and flipped quickly through the pages but she didn’t even need to read it entirely to understand what she thought was much more than a doubt or a fleeting feeling. She was also realizing that what her now husband and Jesse shared was deeper than she had ever imagined. She was torn up with Yugo for knowing the extent of their passion and still not stopping what they had earlier.

But then, she stopped at the last entry of the diary. 

It was Yugo’s entry. It was recent. From yesterday.

“Yugo… What have you done…” She only said as she closed the book. “What have we done?”

Juri stood up again, he was facing his twin sister whose mind was swirling. It was a tempest up there, and he knew he needed to help her to tame it.

“He was drugged for so long, Jurin…. Yugo didn’t know what was happening most of the time, to be honest.” Juri preferred not to talk about the night with Yugo to Jurin, it was still a matter he wished to keep to himself. “Do you remember how Yugo was very stressed after leaving home and started living with me to attend uni? He really couldn’t sleep well so he asked Taiga some sleeping pills.” 

Taiga nodded as he explained: “Yeah, I asked Hokuto for advice because I knew the lab he was working for was working on some sleeping pills, so I prescribed those to Yugo. It’s only recently I found out that the meds I was prescribing him for years were messing up with Yugo’s memory and sanity.”

Jurin took Yugo’s hand in hers again. 

She couldn’t believe that she didn’t notice it. Her current husband was hurting for so many years and she didn’t notice a thing. She remembered asking about the pills but didn’t know the underlying pain. 

Again, she thought it was a fleeting problem. Time heals everything and she truly counted on it. She was so wrong and felt so bad for not supporting him when he most needed her. Perhaps he didn’t need her to be around but she wished she could’ve helped.

“Where is Jesse?” Yugo asked, and he knew he shouldn’t be asking this so earnestly, but he couldn’t get him out of his mind the whole day and in spite of him asking for someone else, Jurin didn’t let go of his hand because, until the end, Jurin wanted to support him.

“He’s with Shintaro. He thought he could handle it but…” Taiga started, remembering how Jesse wanted to forget all about Yugo. Taiga didn’t know why he stayed back with Hokuto and the two of them just nursed Jesse for days and days and both of them refused to give him what he wanted. They didn’t want him to take those meds that have already destroyed Yugo. Hokuto didn’t want to lose the Jesse he had fallen in love with but it was too late, Hokuto was nothw slowly understanding at that time that Jesse’s love for Yugo was stronger than he had ever expected and that nothing and no one could have the same impact on Jesse the same way Yugo had on him. And Hokuto had suggested that he and Taiga set him up with someone else, a girl, a boy, anyone. But every time Jesse met with someone, he was always so friendly that it gave false hope to the other party, to Hokuto, to Taiga, and at the end of the day, Jesse would still come back to Hokuto’s apartment and would still hold onto one of the pictures Yugo took of him. He knew he was being silly and naive and innocent but he couldn’t let it go, he couldn’t. He just couldn’t. If Jesse wasn’t forgetting him naturally, maybe he could chemically, so he drank so much every night that Hokuto had to throw away all the bottles but Jesse kept looking for it. He always kept bottles of whiskey under his bed and Hokuto would wake up at four am, hearing Jesse’s painful sobs in the middle of the night. Sometimes, it would be Taiga that came to calm him down, just taking him in his arms and gave him water, and would stay, sitting on the wooden floor, until Jesse managed to sleep. 

He thought that drinking would make him forget but it only worked for a few hours until Jesse remembered that no, this reality is still not crashing.

He was.

“Let me see him, please. ” Yugo pleaded Hokuto and Taiga.

Hokuto would have said no in other circumstances, but those have changed. 

Now, Hokuto knew that he had to fix it, he didn’t know how, but he had to.

“Make a choice,” Hokuto asked back and looked at Jurin who suddenly flinched at the sudden stare. “Be sure of what you want, and most of all, you two need to let go of each other.”

Hokuto pointed at both Yugo and Jurin whose hands were still holding each other tightly.

*

He knew it was the worst thing he could do: leave in the middle of a party again. His wedding party. 

But it wasn’t the first time. 

That was so hot-headed of him and he didn’t like that. He didn’t like the decisions he made rashly because of Jesse. He had never disappeared from a party so many times before just for someone, he never abandoned anyone before. 

Today, however, he left Jurin to run to Shintaro’s place. He apologized to her, many times, he said he was sorry, and that he would explain it all but Jurin apologized too. They had so many things to say to each other, things that they held back, that were holding them back. In the end, Yugo was the first to release his grasp on Jurin’s fingers. And she almost wanted to follow him, because she wanted to help him but instead, she waited patiently. Because they needed to break free. Because they found something better than the solid support system they built together.

“Hokuto told me you’d come,” Shintaro just commented as he pulled himself away from the wall behind him. He was waiting for him at the door, like a guard protecting his castle — and frankly, Shintaro’s mansion looked like a real castle.

“Yeah… Can I—“

“Wait, before you enter, I have something to tell you…” Shintaro mumbled, suddenly all red.

“Is it about you and Jurin?” Yugo guessed immediately, but he didn’t have time for this. Not now, he cannot deal with this now, he had more urgent matters.

“How do you know?”

“I don’t know anything. But I just saw it in her eyes today. The guilt she carried, the way she couldn’t let go of my hand even when she learnt about Jesse and me… I can’t explain but we were really drifting apart. It’s only today I realized it was you.” Yugo paused. “We really fucked up. I’m sorry.”

Shintaro breathed out of relief.

He said nothing more, patting Yugo’s shoulder. It took him a whole minute before letting Yugo get inside as he walked away from his own place.

Yugo stormed inside Shintaro’s house and opened every door, expecting to find Jesse completely heartbroken on the sofa, with a bottle in his hand but far from it. 

Jesse was calmly sitting on a high stool on Shintaro’s bar counter in the living room. He was drinking coffee and fiddling with the remote to change the channel on the TV, he definitely didn’t need to watch a romantic movie right now.

“I wasn’t aware Shintaro had such a luxurious place,” was the first thing Yugo managed to utter.

“There are a lot of things that you don’t know,” Jesse answered, shrugging his shoulders, not sparing him a look. “Why are you here? Aren’t you supposed to party?”

“I’m tired of parties.”

“You always say that to get away and find me. And you always find me.”

“Not really, you disappeared for so long.”

“I needed time to think. Away from you.”

“I thought you were broken down.”

“I am, you just can’t see it anymore.” Jesse said sternly. He was already shutting down and Yugo wondered if it was too late. “I’m leaving anyway.”

Yugo was slowly walking closer but that last sentence had pinned him.

“What?” Yugo gaped, as he stared at Jesse who was still not meeting his eyes.

“I love you and I thought that staying around was enough for me, but I’m a threat to your happiness, so I’m leaving for real, I’m leaving the country where I hope I’ll finally be able to forget about you.” Jesse wished, his fingers around the porcelain cup of coffee in hand and his eyes downcast on the dark liquid.

“You can’t tell me that after I stopped the pills. I stopped forgetting, I have it together now, Jesse. Give me more time…”

“Why did you still get married, then? When I asked you more time?”

“I didn’t know where you were, I— I— I… had the slight hope you’d come.”

“I came and you still went through it.”

“Yeah, you sounded like you moved on from me, that you forgot about me already. And I didn’t know what else I could’ve done… Leave and run away with you?” (“Yes!”) “Jesse, I cannot do that to Jurin and her family. It’s only in movies where you can come, put a stop to everything, and steal me away. ”

Yugo made Jesse slide around the stool until the two were facing each other, Yugo nestled between Jesse’s thighs. 

“But I still did.” Jesse earnestly said as their eyes finally met. “I stole you away for months already. You just didn’t want to stay.”

Yugo could finally see the deep shiny brown as it quivered. “Maybe in another lifetime, I’d have run away to marry you instead.” 

“Even if you didn’t run away in this life, you’re mine, deep inside, right?” Jesse said on a naughty tone although his face still looked immensely worried.

“Don’t say that if you’re planning on leaving.”

“It’s true, though. Proof is that you’re standing here, on your wedding day.” 

“Yeah, so you can’t leave.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m here.”

“With Jurin, yeah.”

“Jurin knows.”

“Yeah, Shintaro told me.”

“You know what will happen to me and Jurin.” Yugo said but Jesse remained silent. “Yet, you’re still leaving?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

Jesse’s tongue wet his lips before talking and Yugo was dying while waiting for Jesse’s answer. He was lost, he couldn’t understand why Jesse would still not stay with him when he now promised him everything.

And then, Jesse whispered: “I want you to miss me so much until you can’t handle it anymore. I want you to truly love me to the bones, Yugo.”

Yugo huffed, almost annoyed by the reason. It wasn’t a reason, it sounded so childish. “I already can’t handle it anymore, Jesse. I literally ran away from my wedding party for you.”

“Then, why don’t you come with me?”

“Where?”

“Abroad. You can take a leave for the moment.”

“Are you asking me to leave on a honeymoon with you although I married someone else?” Yugo asked with round, surprised eyes.

Jesse chuckled. “Maybe.”

Yugo patted his chest and dug into his inside pocket to fish out Jesse’s journal.

“That’s yours.”

“Oh, I wondered where it was…” Jesse looked up shyly. “Have you read it?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s everything you have to say?”

“Yeah,” Yugo whispered against his fingers, kissing them before lacing them with his. “We’ve got a lifetime to talk about it.” 

July 24th, 2021

I’m getting married tomorrow, can you come? Get me? 

Can you stop me from that lifetime commitment because I have chosen already.

I know I only want you. I know that I love you and you only, I want you to hold me in your arms, firmly, I want you to never let go, I want to be the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. I want to never forget about you, I want to cancel, and make amends for all of the mistakes I’ve made with Jurin and Juri. Especially Jurin, she means so much to me, I can’t hurt her even if my chest is bubbling up with my love for you.

Please, don’t give up on me, Jesse.

I’ll love you for a lifetime.

I promise.

July 25th, 2021

I don’t remember how long I stayed in the living room, in your arms. We must have not moved for hours because morning came and I was still in your arms. You couldn’t let me go and I didn’t have the heart to pull away from you.

For the first time, I take the time to listen to your heartbeat slowing down but hammering inside your ribcage, you’re not talking anymore, you’re not saying a thing but I can feel from the strength of your arms that you’ll never let me go.

And perhaps that’s exactly what I want from you.

I’ll never be able to tell you outright how much I actually love you, to the point that it beat my ability to forget it all. Those pills were my escape, my easy way. I could feel that it created voids and holes that I never sought to fill. Those pills were the fill that I needed.

My memory was blurry, my mind was foggy and I couldn’t even explain the momentary blanks, especially when Juri pointed it out. It made me mad because he was poking the monster in my heart.

“Jesse…”

“No.” You tell me, and I let my forehead fall back on your shoulder, in the crease of your neck. I love your smell, it reminds me of summer, of a daytime beach, of salty sea. It reminds me of the sun shining bright and burning hard. You’ve burnt my skin and with you, I lay bare with all my bones.

We are doing it on the floor.

It’s cold unlike you who’s so damn hot that beads of your sweat are falling on my skin and I dare to lick it off your chest.

It’s hard unlike you who has round and strong edges that can elevate me from the floor, you lift me with a single arm and I hate how easy it is for you to pick me up from the ground. 

And you’re smiling.

It’s usually me who prefers to tease you until you implode.

But today, you seem happy you caught me.

You freed me.

Freed me from my addiction, from the void, from the guilt and the sense of comfort I had with Jurin. Instead, I was unchained to that family in ways I couldn’t even grasp. I needed Juri’s body, I needed Jurin’s softness and support, I needed to pills to forget, I needed them to control me entirely. 

That was until I met you.

You who overturned my life.

You and your words, your stare and your love, you got me. It was easy for me to fall for you. It’s not difficult when you’re looking at me like I was the only thing that mattered in this world. I felt loved in a way I’d never felt before.

So, no I’m never letting you again.

“I’m still leaving tomorrow for the States tomorrow, Yugo.”

And I don’t answer because I don’t want it to be true.

It is even harder to separate from you when Shintaro finally comes back to his house.

“You can stay here,” Shintaro says.

I look toward you and you refuse and it makes me want to hold your hand tighter in my hand. “It’s fine, we overstayed already. Thank you for everything. I have to pack.”

Shintaro weakly nodded as you force me to walk away from his house by tugging on our entwined fingers.

“Why do you have to leave,” I ask but I’m not making it a real question, it’s a subtle query.

“I need it, you need it.” You softly say. “You ran away from your wedding, have you forgotten?”

“You said I was late.”

“I already promised my family I’d go see them. I was serious, if you want to come you can.”

“I have work,” I say, my other hand on yours because I know that you’ll ask for us to separate here and I don’t want. The moment I’ll let go of your hand, it’ll mean that I’ll have to talk and bare myself to everyone. I’ll have to go through explanations and questions and cries and yells probably, and I don’t want to.

“And I have promises to fulfill.”

Your voice is still as soft as the thin sand of a beautiful beach, and I believe you are a good man enough to do that. I am not as good as you, is it all right? Is it all right if I’m the one next to you? Are you sure it’s a good idea? 

I’m torturing my lower lip between my teeth as thoughts are eating me up but you put a stop to everything with a light kiss on my temple, almost at the tip of my eyebrow and a thumb freeing my lip from my teeth.

“I’ll see you when I come back, I promise.”

I don’t want promises, I really want you, though. And you seem to understand what I want because you open your arms to pull me against you. You’re still warm and you still smell amazing.

“Don’t forget about me, Yugo.” You whisper into my ear. “ Please. ”

*

When I come home, Jurin is there and she was waiting with a smile and some milk bread.

I don’t know why, but as soon as I came home, I took her in my arms and we hugged for so long that we started crying together. I didn’t know where to start, but she only soothed my back the way I used to do to her when she was having a meltdown.

She waited until I was done crying to offer me the bread and some milk.

“I got bored waiting for you. Shintaro left a long time ago already.”

“Did you two talk?” I ask as I am gulping up my glass of milk.

“To be honest, we just played games all day. We were tired from dancing and drinking too much yesterday.” She admitted, laughing a bit.

“You guys didn’t miss me much, then.”

“No, because we knew it was the right thing to do.”

“I’m sorry Jurin,” I apologize because I have to apologize to her. For everything. “I’m sorry. I think I fell hard for him, I haven’t seen it coming.”

She smiles and I don’t understand why she is but she gives a gentle squeeze of my hand. “I don’t know why I said yes. I was on the verge of burning out while thinking about it. I was happy at first, because it meant that you really chose me. You are my comfort and my pillar, Yugo. You’ve always been, even myself, I am not sure when I started dissociating, starting to look Shin in a new light. Maybe it’s when I started to see him get closer and closer to Hokuto. I just… I don’t know. I felt strange and conflicted. Even now, I’m still conflicted. Everything is uncertain but the thing that I’m certain about is that I don’t want us to stop being partners, Yugo. I’ll always love you.”

I nod, because I understand the spark inside her heart as much as the love we shared for each other. An unbreakable bond.

“I am also sorry I didn’t pay attention enough not to see you were struggling so hard for so long. I kinda failed you when you needed the most. I’m really mad at Juri for not telling anyone. I still need to punch him for that.”

We both chuckle together as she holds both of my hands which are unable to eat anything because of the knot inside my throat.

“Yugo, we can let go of each other but I’m not leaving you, I promise. You should just go.”

“I can’t… Jurin… He’s leaving tomorrow.”

“He’s coming back, right?”

“Yeah, but thinking about him gone for so long again terrifies me,” I tell her and she laughs heartily. 

“Is it time for you to act rashly again? He does that effect on you, I noticed.”

I don’t know why the knot starts to dissolve slowly as I attempt to take a bite of her bread, tears falling across my cheeks again.

“You’re gonna make me cry again, damn you, Yugo.”

“Why aren’t you angry at me?”

“We’ve never yelled at each other, never got into an argument, that’s the reason why we are such good partners, after all.”

“I want you to be angry at me, I deserve it.” I tell her. “‘m showwy Juwin” I apologize again, mouth full of her delicious bread. She has always been good at whatever she does, but if I had to point out one flaw is that she’s a sore loser. “Does Shintaro know that you hate to lose during games?”

“The problem is that he’s as bad as me,” she says while smiling brightly.

****

**

*

Jesse wasn’t expecting to open that diary again. Even if he wasn’t ashamed of his feelings, there were still memories he wished he could erase but inking it on paper made it hard to erase. He could tear that sheet and put fire on it but Jesse couldn’t do that because, amongst the bad memories, there were happy moments. No matter how excruciating was the pain, Jesse would do it all over again because it was worth it, his love for Yugo was worth to be fought for.

To be honest, Jesse stopped breathing the moment he opened his mail and saw this bulky letter in the mailbox. He thought that Yugo was mailing him back his love and that being far away from him was one more reason to break things off forever.

Panic surged through him as he flipped through the leather journal, the pages were crinkling from the use and the tears that had been shed on it but when Jesse opened it, he found the pictures Yugo had taken. He slipped a picture between every page. And when Jesse got to the end of his entries, new ones started, from another handwriting and Jesse just knew it was Yugo’s.

It was his handwriting.

His words of love to him and Jesse couldn’t hold back the tears.

Someone knocked on the door.

“Bro, someone at the door for you.”

Jesse almost dropped the diary as he hurtled down the stairs to meet the ‘someone’ at the door.

Of course, it was him .

They didn’t say a word as Jesse immediately crushed Yugo into an embrace, the strongest of all hugs he had ever given him.

“You were right, I missed you too damn much, Jesse.” He said against his skin.

July 29th, 2021

Jesse,

It always makes sense when I look at you in the eyes.

I couldn’t wait to hold you in my arms again where everything is alright, so I bought a plane ticket to visit you instead.

Because you’re the choice I’ve made.

Me and you. 

A lifetime together.