"... He disappeared?"
Hokuto set down his glass as he nodded.
"... I don't have any better way to explain it…"
He rubbed his eyes, bumping his glasses askew as he leaned into the table. "No one would explain it to me. The staff at the inn told me that no one with his name made a reservation or checked in…"
"But I swear he was there. I nearly dragged Kyomoto back to that inn because I didn't know what else to do."
"Just like you, I held him. I even kissed him. It all felt so real but Kyomoto says it didn't happen…"
Jesse flattened his lips as he turned the meat on the grill between them.
What was going on?...
Maybe it was cruel to feel some sort of relief from hearing a story that closely reflected his own, but it only stirred up the confusion that already clouded his mind. Jesse was pleased to have Hokuto's comradery, but it didn't keep him from wishing that at least one of them had any form of an answer.
Just as Taiga had disappeared into the misty hot springs for Hokuto, the Yugo Jesse had kissed and confessed his love to vanished into the forest.
"... I'm sorry, Hokuto…" Jesse muttered, unsure of what else he could even say, and from the way Hokuto sighed, he could tell Hokuto understood.
"It's okay…" Hokuto said while he sipped from his glass of beer.
"... At least I'm able to see him again… I'm–… really sorry I didn't tell you about Kochi and Juri… Kochi asked me not to say anything and–"
"It's alright."
Hokuto shut his mouth when Jesse placed the cooked ribeye onto his plate, though it was more out of guilt than by force as Hokuto watched his friend serve himself with what was left on the grill.
Jesse grit his teeth, watching the bubbling oil settle on his food. "... I'm the idiot who thought he felt the same…"
He had been so sure…
He had been so sure that Yugo's feelings were the same.
After the years and years of what Jesse had been a silent understanding of a mutual affection, reality had decided to crash down on him, incinerating and igniting everything in flames.
For so long, Jesse loved Yugo, ignorantly dreaming day by day when he could see his smile or hear his voice next, not knowing that the apple of his eye had already been consumed by someone else long ago. The whole time he had been waiting patiently for the day he could see Yugo, Yugo had been sleeping in someone else's arms.
It had hurt him enough, learning of Yugo's relationship with Juri after kissing the lips he always admired and hearing the words he yearned for in the voice he loved, but salt was added to his bleeding wounds when he heard the two had already been dating for more than a year.
That whole time Jesse had been patiently waiting, Juri had taken Yugo first.
Hokuto dug his chopsticks into his rice. "... You're not an idiot… I don't know what Kochi's feelings are but the two of you had us all fooled. I really thought you guys had been dating this whole time but didn't say anything… Sorry."
The apology was pulled from Hokuto's chest after seeing the way Jesse took his beer and seemingly tried to drown himself in it from how he chugged it down. After the glass was emptied into Jesse's stomach, Hokuto lowered his eyes as a rough sigh rolled from Jesse's throat before he clattered the empty cup against the counter.
"It's fine, Hokuto. You didn't do anything wrong."
Jesse folded his arms over the table while Hokuto pressed the call button for him, knowing that Jesse would be ordering another drink.
"I know, but I still can't help but feel bad…"
"... Did you end up talking with Juri?..." Hokuto asked hesitantly, unsure if just the name would be a sore spot as he moved the last serving of meat on the grill.
"I did…"
"How did it go?"
Jesse leaned back in his seat, watching their food sizzle on the hot plate.
It hurt Hokuto to see Jesse like this.
The eyes that he knew to always be full of life and the shoulders that seemed like they could carry the weight of the world were empty and withdrawn.
Hokuto couldn't help but think that he looked like a shell of the energetic person he knew his friend to be.
"... I don't know… As you would expect, I guess…"
Jesse knew he only spoke loud enough for Hokuto to barely hear him over the noisy chatter and bustling of the restaurant.
He apologized to him internally as he saw Hokuto lean forward to listen, but Jesse could only bring himself to mutter through his words.
"... He said sorry… What else was I supposed to do?..."
Truthfully, Juri had said more than just sorry.
When they had met in private, Juri bowed so low, Jesse nearly thought that he might as well have been on his knees.
Jesse had always known Juri was always the type to crack jokes and lighten the mood, but his apology was as sincere as it was honest. He apologized for asking Yugo to date him and he asked for forgiveness for not at least talking to Jesse first.
Juri had blamed it on the alcohol and the amber of the room, but in the end, he knew that it was still his words from his own mouth.
"I'm sorry, Jesse… When Yugo told me that the two of you weren't together, I believed it would be okay."
"I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me."
"I promise, I'll make him happy."
Jesse wished he could have stayed angry at him. Only God knew how badly he wanted to blame Juri for his pain.
But what right did he have?...
Yugo never belonged to him, even after every laugh, every smile, and every gentle and lingering touch they shared between them that made him believe that there was something unspoken.
He wasn't allowed to believe Yugo had ever been taken away.
In the end, Jesse could only blame himself.
He had 8 years to do something. Anything.
And Juri did it in less than 5 seconds after learning Yugo was single…
Hokuto tucked back his hair behind his ear as he set down the tongs, letting their food rest and cook before nodding a thanks to the waiter who set down Jesse's third beer which Hokuto promptly set on his side of the table.
"... I guess…" Hokuto mumbled, watching Jesse drink from the glass as soon as he received it.
"... So–..." Hokuto watched the froth of the beer lower with each gulp. "... What will you do now?"
Jesse hissed, the fresh carbonation stinging the back of his throat.
"What do you mean–?"
It felt ridiculous that Hokuto had even asked.
What was there left for him to do?
"All I can do is give up."
Yugo had Juri.
The love Jesse had so badly ached for, and had once wanted to believe he had, was being given to someone else.
As things were, he would never have the love, the kiss, or the warm affection that made every inch of his body feel alive when he was lost deep in the forest with the one he thought had called his name.
There was nothing left for him to do but surrender every dream and every desire that had been collecting inside of him for the last 8 years to the ages of time, just so he could hope that the next time his and Yugo's eyes would meet, it would tear him apart just a little less.
All he could do was hope that the ache he fell asleep with every night would slowly subside as he finally left his first love and every treasured memory of the kindness and warmth he had fooled himself into believing as affection at Yugo's side behind.
Even now, simply remembering that night next to Yugo beside the campfire, with only their shoulders leaned into each other as they both wished for just one more day together made Jesse's heart burn.
Jesse could only hope that it would soon smolder like the fire.
"... Why?"
Jesse blinked.
… He wasn't sure he had heard him right.
He stared at Hokuto across from him, wordless as Hokuto plated the rest of their meal before the sugar marinated into the meat burned under the flames.
His confused and baffled expression must have been why Hokuto chose to reiterate.
"... I mean… Why-… do you have to give up?"
Jesse set down his glass, his eyes still wide with bewilderment and shock as he watched Hokuto glance under the counter to turn down the fire in the grill.
Had Hokuto not been listening to him the whole time?... Out of all people, Jesse would have thought he would be the one to understand.
"Hokuto… Kochi is dating Juri."
"... I know… But why does that matter?"
This kind of optimism was completely foreign to Hokuto. For as long as Jesse had known him, Hokuto was the type to fold his cards early, preferring to protect himself over the chances of getting hurt.
Jesse couldn't believe what he was hearing as Hokuto continued with his assertion.
"You don't know if everything with Juri will work out, right?"
"... Are you telling me to break the two of them up?"
"No- no, of course not. I just–"
Hokuto sighed, mindlessly breaking up the strips of his food on his plate.
For a moment, it fell silent between them as the buzz of conversation surrounding the restaurant occupied the empty space between them.
They both quietly took bites of their meal until Hokuto spoke again.
"... You know, Jesse…"
"I… sort of envy you."
Jesse couldn't stop the bitterness that leaked into his laughter as he filled his mouth with rice.
"How's that possible?... Isn't it good that Taiga is single? At least you have a chance."
Hokuto shook his head, setting down his chopsticks to trade for his drink.
"You don't get it," he said into his glass. "At least you know how Kochi feels about you."
If Hokuto hadn't been his friend for years, Jesse would have thought he was mocking him.
More than anyone else in the world, Hokuto understood his pain the most, but Jesse still couldn't bring himself to believe that having his mind plagued with these close sweet memories with Yugo made anything any better.
"Why does that matter?... He's with Juri now. That doesn't change anything."
"It does."
"It doesn't. Hokuto, you don't get it. You–"
"Yes, it does."
Jesse shut his mouth.
Hokuto had never used force in his voice with him before. Inside, he still wanted to press back, but when he saw the ache deep that gleamed in Hokuto's eyes, he withdrew, choosing his beer instead to let Hokuto speak.
Jesse kept silent as he watched Hokuto's fall to the glass in his hands.
"... You at least know Kochi loved you once."
Hokuto's fingers tightened around the cup, unable to hold back the grimace growing on his lips.
"Kyomoto and I–… We aren't like you and Kochi…"
"We don't speak."
"We haven't exchanged words with each other without some person or buffer between us in years."
"I have no clue what he's thinking. I have no idea what he feels or what he sees or what he wants– I don't know anything and I don't know if I even have enough courage to ask."
"We've all known each other since forever, right?... Did you know I only got his phone number this year?... I could only bring myself to ask because it's the only way I can assure myself that the person I'm seeing before me is real."
Hokuto dug his hand into his hair.
"I hate to think the only reason why he bothers to respond is because I'd go insane otherwise…"
"I–… I'm so jealous of how you and Kochi speak……"
"Even if he's with Juri, the space between the two of you is so small while Kyomoto and I feel universes apart."
"You may not believe me, but I swear Kochi loves you even now… but even if I'm wrong, I know that you and Kochi can talk and work things out."
Jesse could only stare and listen, swallowing down the lump he didn't know had grown in his throat as his voice softly croaked. "... Hokuto, I-I didn't–"
But Hokuto continued.
"... You two have been so close for as long as I can remember… I've always been jealous…"
"I'm jealous of how you were so open."
"I'm jealous of how all of it was so clear."
"I'm jealous of how you could touch and laugh and smile like none of us were there."
"I'm jealous of how you can move forward with him."
"I'm jealous of how you can move on…"
"I'm jealous of how–"
Hokuto clasped his hand over his mouth, his throat lurching before he swallowed down the rest of his words and his emotions down with what was left of his beer.
"..... I-... I'm sorry…" he choked through once his glass was empty. "I must be drunker than I thought, I said too much."
Jesse just shook his head, almost too ashamed to meet his eye, now knowing what little blessings he had when an anguish had settled so deep in Hokuto's heart.
… He was suffering, but Hokuto was suffering too.
It was wrong for him to ever think that Hokuto only wanted to have the battle of who's pain was worse than who's.
They were both hurt. They were just simply different.
"It's okay… I'm sorry, Hokuto… I didn't know…"
"... It's fine."
Hokuto pressed the call button again, motioning for the check once catching the attention of a waiter.
"... Just do me a favor."
Jesse gave the best laugh he could, only coming out a soft chuckle. "... Depends on what it is…"
Hokuto lowered his hand back to the counter, his gaze not meeting his own as it stayed idly trained on the waiter who disappeared behind a door.
"... Just… do what I can't."
"Talk to Kochi… The Jesse Lewis I know and admire isn't a coward like me."
"Be honest. Tell him how you feel. Even if it's for no other reason than because I can't."
When the bill came, Hokuto was the first to take it.
It was reassuring as it told Jesse there were no hard feelings after the envy when Hokuto told him he could pay for the next, wordlessly promising they would share another meal again.
The cool air of the evening washed over them when they stepped out onto the sidewalk, taking in the fresh breeze that filled their lungs, refreshing them from the dense smoke laced establishment.
"Your closest connection is the other way, right?" Hokuto said, letting out a slow exhale as he checked his phone. "Then this is where we part. Are you sober enough to get there alone? You drank quite a bit."
Jesse had a healthy buzz in his body, but it wasn't strong enough to disable him yet.
"I'll be alright. Even if it takes a little time, I'll still eventually get home."
"... Alright…" Hokuto hesitantly agreed. "Text me when you're home, okay?"
Jesse waved his hand, before rolling down the cuffs of his white work shirt. "Sure sure."
"And Hokuto."
Hokuto looked up from his phone, looking up at his friend as he gave his shoulder a tight squeeze with his hand.
"Huh?"
"Call me if you ever want to talk."
Hokuto just smiled, even if it was weak willed before giving Jesse's hand a brief pat with his own.
"Thanks, Jesse… Have a good night."
"You too, Hokuto."
The train was scarcely occupied when Jesse sat down.
He stared at himself in the dark reflection of the window across from him as the chime rang through the speakers, announcing the trains departure before the doors slid to a shut and wheels lurched to life.
His hands tightened on his work bag in his lap while the alcohol brought his eyes closed and played images in his mind.
… That night in the forest, Jesse felt as if his heart had come alive.
It was everything he had ever wanted.
Yugo's touch. Yugo's kiss. His attention. His affection. His love.
To Jesse, it was worth every day that he had waited to finally tell him those words he could never draw from his own chest.
Jesse was in love with him.
Jesse was in love with him still.
That night only made him fall deeper.
No matter who it was, or what it really was, it had stolen his heart because it was Yugo's image and Yugo's voice that it bore.
He understood how lost Hokuto must have felt after Taiga disappeared, hopelessly grasping at straws to find an answer.
But all Jesse could feel was how empty his chest was after it had been so full.
Yugo loved Juri.
If Yugo loved Juri… then he couldn't love him…
Right?...
Jesse's eyes fluttered open when the train slowed for its approaching stop, the announcer repeating the arriving station name.
… Was this mockery or was this fate?...
Because Jesse knew that this stop was where Yugo lived.
He had only been to his apartment once when all of them had gone over as a housewarming soon after completing college. At the time, Jesse wanted to take in every part of it that made up the home of the person he loved.
He knew Yugo still lived at the same address since he had seen the familiar numbers in their group chat when Yugo had sent it again for Shintaro to return camping equipment he had accidentally stolen from him.
Jesse could never forget the address because he could never forget how much it had made him brim with excitement knowing that Yugo lived so close.
It was only two stops away from his own.
Deep inside, Jesse wished he was still living that blissful ignorance, still able to feel the prickle of bliss knowing that seeing his favorite person could be done with such ease, but he knew the truth.
This stop wouldn't be one he would ever take again…
The doors came open, few passengers leaving and none coming.
Jesse stayed in his seat.
His fingers pressed into the leather of his bag, his eyes falling to the scuffed floors his feet stayed glued to.
His teeth clenched.
…… Hokuto thought too highly of him.
He was scared too…
If he was a quarter of what Hokuto believed him to be, he would have told Yugo how he felt years ago with his head held high and his chest full.
But here he was.
A coward.
Just waiting for the doors to close so he could pass the next two stops and return to his life of misery.
Jesse would have to always wonder what Yugo truly felt.
What Yugo would truly say.
What it meant whenever he laughed and whenever he smiled. Whenever the distance between them felt so paper thin.
Whenever Yugo's eyes softened when their gazes met.
Whenever their hands would touch, but never embrace.
Whenever it looked like words were at the end of Yugo's tongue that he never spoke.
Whenever it felt like they had loved, when they had never loved.
The station tune played, announcing the doors would soon close as Jesse's eyes fluttered and was dragging him back from the staring contest with his shoes.
He would always have to wonder…
But why did he have to?...
Jesse nearly tripped as he scrambled to his feet, startling the people in his path on his way out the train doors before they could close.
His lungs gasped for air when he reached the top of the stairs of the station exit, spilling him onto the dark streets.
And as soon as Jesse got his bearings straight, he ran.
Hokuto was right.
Jesse had his words and he knew Yugo would listen.
If he had anything at all, he knew he at least had that.
Why did he have to wonder?
Why did he have to suffer with his silence?
Jesse could speak and what was truly the worst that could happen?
His heart was already broken. There wasn't much that could shatter it more.
If Yugo turned him down, then it would be over. Jesse could use Yugo's words as his resolve to move on. He could finally put an end to the pointless hopes and meaningless dreams of ever having Yugo's touch.
Jesse's feet almost stuttered to a stop outside of Yugo's apartment building before quickly turning to climb the exterior stairs to his floor.
With Yugo's words, it would be over.
Jesse's chest heaved as he jammed his finger into the doorbell presented under a metal plate holding the surname Kochi upon it, hearing the all too familiar voice call back from behind the door.
All of it would be finally over.
… And if Yugo loved him?
Then–
The words were already at the tip of his tongue as the door unlatched and began to squeak open, revealing Yugo from behind it.
"Excuse me, it's rather late, I–... Jesse?..."
Yugo looked up at him.
Jesse breathed in.
Even now, Jesse loved him.
He loved everything about him.
He looked so cute, eyes wide with surprise and dressed in his simple comfortable clothes meant for home.
No matter what, Jesse would fall in love with him, again and again and again…
"Kochi. I lo—"
"Yugo? Who is it?"
Everything crashed at once.
The moment Jesse saw Juri glance around Yugo from inside, all the determination and blind confidence added by the alcohol in his stomach emptied from his body and chest in one swift draining flush.
It was like he had been dunked in freezing water.
The wind was taken from the rest of his breath as it dragged him, crashing him down to reality.
Jesse bit down on his tongue, cutting off the rest of his incomplete words that never even had a chance of escaping his lips.
Yugo just stared at him as shame washed over him, unable to even meet Yugo eyes and being left to only pathetically grip the handle of his briefcase in silence.
Yugo watched Jesse's waving gaze that escaped to the floor between them.
His hand tightened on the door frame before finally blinking and speaking over his shoulder to Juri.
"It's Jesse."
"Hmm? Does he need something?" Juri called back.
"I-... I don't–..."
Yugo turned to Jesse again, only to find him one step further away, retreating further into himself than he had been before.
"Jesse?..."
Yugo spoke in a voice only soft enough for both of them to hear.
"... Were you… going to say something?..."
Jesse was.
He was going to.
… But there was no way Jesse could now.
He couldn't.
It was pointless.
There was no worth in hearing an answer he already knew just for him to bring a voice to his pain.
"... No…"
Jesse choked out his words.
"Sorry… I–... No… There's nothing. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I bothered you. I'll leave you two alone."
Before Yugo could speak, Jesse was already walking away.
"Wait–! Jesse!"
Even when Yugo leaned out his door to call after him, Jesse couldn't look back.
He was humiliated.
He wanted nothing more than to disappear.
It would have been better if he had never seen Kochi Yugo again.
At least that way, he could have at least continued to believe that Yugo maybe loved him back.
"Kochi. I lo—"
From just those few milliseconds in time, Yugo's heart had stopped.
He wanted nothing more than for Jesse's lips to complete those words.
He had been waiting for so long.
He hated to admit that even as he kissed Juri, he was still waiting.
Yugo thought he could smother his yearning with another person's love until it was weak enough so he could finally forget, but even when those words came from Juri's mouth, they reached Yugo's ears in Jesse's voice.
He couldn't let go.
And for half a second, he thought he wouldn't have to.
But as quickly as Jesse arrived, he left, his words incomplete, replaced with an apology before disappearing down the poorly lit hall.
When Yugo came back inside, closing his door behind him, his hands were trembling.
Juri quickly came to him, holding his shoulders in comfort.
"... Are you okay?... What happened?"
Yugo tried to force a smile.
"Yeah, I'm fine," he laughed meekly. "It's nothing, I'll just uh… text him or something… I'm sure it's not important…"
"Yugo…"
The soft voice Juri used with him nearly stung.
Yugo pushed him aside, trying to walk past him so he could move on, forgetting everything that happened.
Or didn't happen.
Juri caught him before he could make it any further.
"Hey. Look at me."
Yugo pushed at him again, avoiding his eyes.
"Juri, stop it. I just want to have a peaceful night, okay? Let's just–"
Juri pulled him back, his hands firmly gripped on his forearms. "Yugo. I love you."
Yugo wished those words didn't hurt.
He tried to pull Juri's hands off of him with a smile, still unable to bring himself to meet Juri's gaze. "I know. I love you too. Now let me—"
"But I know you love him more."
Yugo stopped.
When Juri leaned in, he closed his eyes as Juri pressed a kiss to his temple.
"Go."
"Before it's too late."
Jesse's breath choked in his chest as he walked somewhere.
He wasn't sure if it was back to the station or not.
It just had to be somewhere that wasn't there.
There were no tears, but his body hurt as if he was sobbing.
His lungs were tight and the top of his throat stung while his heart ached and mourned.
He rubbed his sleeve against his dry eyes, his ears ringing too much to hear the footsteps that approached behind him.
"Jesse!"
Fuck.
Jesse grit his teeth, trying to not let just the sound of his name in his voice tear him apart.
He walked faster, wanting nothing more than to just get away.
"Jesse– Wait–"
"No."
"Please. Jesse, just stop!"
"I won't."
"Jesse–!!"
When Yugo grabbed his arm, Jesse couldn't bring himself to face him.
He couldn't face him.
Everything about Yugo made Jesse love him.
And the more he loved him, the more it hurt.
"Kochi… I need to go home."
Yugo knew that Jesse could easily tear himself from his grip.
But he stayed.
They stood in the dark streets, only illuminated by distant city lamps. Yugo's grip tightened as he spoke to Jesse's back.
"... Fine… You can leave…"
Jesse's jaw tensed, his chest aching from Yugo's simple excusal.
"... But only if you tell me what you were going to say," Yugo followed.
Only then, did Jesse finally turn to him, his eyes glancing over Yugo briefly before darting away.
He couldn't.
"No, I can't–"
"Jesse…"
The first step Yugo took closer, Jesse nearly stepped back, but Yugo's grip on his arm held him in his place.
"... Please, Jesse."
Yugo's voice that was once firm was soft as it asked.
Begged.
Pleaded.
It made Jesse's heart throb from it's kindness he had adored for so long.
"What were you going to say?..."
"Please tell me…"
"Please…"
Jesse couldn't bring himself not to listen to Yugo's gentle pleas as he finally brought himself to turn to him.
But the moment their eyes met, Jesse fell apart.
Tears built in his eyes and his chest burned in the flame that wouldn't smolder as he fell for Yugo all over again.
And again.
And again.
"I…"
"... I love you…"
It felt like the world had been lifted from his chest as he said it again and again, his heart bursting at the seams.
"I love you."
The words flooded from his lips as if a dam that had been leaking for years finally broke loose.
"Kochi, I love you."
"I love you so much."
"I've loved you for so long."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you."
"I love you to the point I feel like I'm going crazy– I–"
Jesse's voice only stopped once Yugo kissed him.
Jesse cried, leaning into the kiss as Yugo took his cheeks, pulling him in closer.
Yugo's real kiss was incomparable to what Jesse had in the forest.
The kiss he had gotten in the forest made his heart burn to nothing, but Yugo's kiss made it come alive.
Jesse pulled him in tight by the waist, refusing to let even himself catch his breath before taking Yugo's lips for another.
Yugo couldn't help but laugh, his chuckle humming against Jesse's lips as he kissed him again, wiping the tears from Jesse's cheeks.
He wasn't sure what to do with himself.
Finally.
Finally.
He was finally done waiting.
It was just three words.
Three stupid little words.
But those three words in Jesse's voice made Yugo's heart race and burst as every nerve in his body sparked.
It took everything in him not to cry.
Jesse's tears were enough for the both of them.
Yugo bumped the bridge of his nose with Jesse's, holding his jaw with his hands and pulling him into him.
He was finally done waiting, and now that he was finished, he was never going to let Jesse go again.
"I love you, Jesse."
The light laugh Jesse gave from his chest only made Yugo fall impossibly deeper for him, pulling his lips back against his.
"It took you long enough to say it."
Hokuto held his head as he fished his keys from his bag.
He shouldn't have drank so much… but whenever he shared a meal with Jesse, he couldn't help but get a little carried away.
It didn't help that whenever he thought of his night at the hot springs, it drove him to drink regardless as the images of who he thought to be Taiga still haunted him.
He still remembered the way Taiga gazed up at him as he laid under him, his eyes brimming with an adoration Hokuto believed belonged to him.
He couldn't forget the feel of his fingers across his collar as they kissed.
He couldn't forget his smile and warmth.
It made him drink to forget. Or maybe even to momentarily blur the lines between the truth to make him believe that they had been real.
That it really had been Taiga.
That Taiga had actually told him he loved him in that gentle voice that made his heart sing.
But all of it was temporary as Hokuto would wake up to reality, where all he and Taiga shared were pitiful texts, full of only Hokuto asking where Taiga was.
As long as Hokuto knew where Taiga really was, then a replica appearing before him wouldn't fool him again.
Hokuto's phone buzzed his breast pocket as stepped off the train.
Did Jesse make it home already?
It was late and there was no other reason for anyone else to be messaging him. When he pulled out his phone, Hokuto expected nothing else but a short text from his friend, informing him of his safe arrival as he had requested.
His phone illuminated.
Hokuto's feet stopped.
As other tired passengers walked past him at the top of the station stairs, Hokuto stared down at the message, reading it over and over, unsure if his eyes were deceiving him.
Kyomoto:
Are you home
Taiga never messaged him unless it was just a reply.
Most if not all of their exchanges had just been Taiga replying to him after asking where he was. Hokuto never tried to extend their conversations beyond that because that wasn't what they were supposed to be for.
Hokuto simply just wanted to know what was real.
Even now, he was half convinced the text was fake until he opened up their message thread and saw all their brief exchanges trailed behind it.
He took his phone into both of his hands, lurching his feet back to life as he quickly sent a response.
Hokuto:
I am.
He wasn't.
But saying he was was easier than saying he was on the way home after nearly drinking himself under the table from the memories of him.
Before Hokuto could put his phone back in his pocket to try to not overthink what Taiga could be asking for, it vibrated again.
Though this time, a flash of anxiety rushed through Hokuto's body as he held it tightly in his hand.
This time, it was a call.
His fingers nearly fumbled on their way to answer it.
"H-Hello–?"
Hokuto wanted to hit himself for the way his tongue tripped from just answering the phone.
It was just Kyomoto Taiga.
The same Kyomoto Taiga that he had known for years.
The same Kyomoto Taiga that still made his chest ache.
It wasn't a big deal.
"Matsumura?"
"Sorry, I hope I'm not bothering you–..."
It had only been just under a month since they saw each other, but hearing Taiga's smooth tenor through his phone still made his palms sweat.
"No– it's fine…"
"Um…"
"Did you need… something?"
Hokuto couldn't remember the last time they talked like this alone that the words almost felt unnatural on his tongue.
It was almost like he shouldn't be saying them, as if there was an unmentionable wall they were speaking past.
"Not really… I just–..."
"I couldn't sleep… I guess…"
"Is… everything okay–?"
Taiga spoke up quickly, cutting him off.
"Yeah. It was just um…"
Hokuto could barely hear the soft sigh that sounded from the other side of the call.
"Do you mind if I… just… talk?... For a bit?..."
Talking.
Talking was the one thing Hokuto thought he and Taiga could never do.
He was only able to talk to whoever it was with him at the hot springs because he was coaxed by what he thought was Taiga's smile.
Even as Taiga asked himself, Hokuto still wasn't sure if he could.
But even if it was just about nothing, or everything, or anything at all, the most asinine and pointless things in the world, if Taiga wanted to tell him, Hokuto would listen.
Just like evenings alone on their highschool roof.
Hokuto would listen forever as long as Taiga wished to speak.
Hokuto swallowed hard, before tucking the phone against his ear, bringing his feet to continue taking him home.
"Sure..."
"Of course."
The streetlights flooded his way home as Hokuto only watched the passing sidewalk in front of him, not needing signs or navigation to lead him.
"Um… So… I have a friend who was telling me about something…"
"... Yeah?"
"I-it's really a friend. I mean it–"
"I didn't say I didn't believe you…"
Oftentimes when someone started a conversation with 'I have a friend', it meant the story was truly about themselves.
But Taiga denied it, so for what reason did Hokuto have to not agree?
"Alright… Well, she was telling me about a guy…"
"Okay…"
"She's known this guy for a long time."
"But he confuses her."
"She doesn't know how he feels about her. She doesn't think he hates her but she doesn't know if he likes her either."
"... But lately, he's been obsessed with someone else."
Hokuto looked up at his own apartment building as he hummed, digging in his bag for his keys.
"Does it bother her?"
"I… don't know…"
"The way he talks about this other person– he says they're just like her..."
"But… more–... I'm not sure how to say it…"
"... Better?..."
His keys chimed in his hand, moving the phone to his other ear and echoing Taiga's words.
"... Better?
"Maybe those aren't the right words, but…"
"I think–... She thinks… this other person is more of who he wants."
"He said he talked about everything with her."
"But… he said that it was because he saw my friend in her…"
Hokuto walked up the steps to his apartment floor slowly as he listened, unsure of what this all meant.
Taiga's story was strange and vague, but he tried to follow the best he could, immersing himself in the feelings of whoever this friend was.
"... So… he likes this girl because she resembles your friend?"
"I–... She's not sure… but I wanted to ask you, Matsumura."
"What is it?"
"If you were this guy..."
"And if there were two people who are so alike, but one you've known for years and the other is just like them, but it's not them. Almost like a copy but… better… Someone you can be honest with."
"If you could only keep one…"
"... Which would you pick?"
"Huh?..."
Hokuto blinked as his view crested the top step of his floor. All the apartments were in a line, allowing him to see all his neighbor's home entrances.
At the end of the hall, he saw the curled up figure sitting with his back against his front door.
Hokuto stopped as he listened to the voice that came to him through his phone echo quietly through the empty hall.
Their eyes locked, both keeping their phone to their ears, motionless as Taiga repeated himself.
"Which one?..."
Hokuto clenched his jaw.
"... Can I ask something first?..."
"... Mhm."
"... Does–..."
"Does your friend love him?"
Hokuto watched as Taiga rose to his feet, his gaze still kept with his.
Taiga's hair wasn't blonde like it was at the inn.
He didn't even have a soft loving smile that stunned him and stole his breath.
They had never kissed.
They had barely even loved.
But this person was Taiga.
The one Hokuto fell in love with.
The one Hokuto was still in love with.
"Yes."
Hokuto's phone vibrated, but he didn't flinch, not taking the time to read the message from Jesse that told him he was more than just safe home.
"Then I would choose the one I have always been in love with."
He couldn't move.
All he could do was watch.
Taiga tried to use his voice to yell, but the darkness that bounded him had silenced him.
Hokuto was in front of him.
But for some reason he couldn't see him.
"Kyomoto?"
Taiga screamed, his voice nearly tearing past his throat. Hokuto was only just feet before him, but nothing reached him.
Hokuto only quietly called for him again.
"... Kyomoto."
Taiga couldn't even try to grab him.
His hands were bound tightly behind him, submitting him to only helplessly observe as another called Hokuto's name.
It shot shivers down Taiga's spine.
Because it was his voice.
But the words didn't come from his lips.
"Hokuto."
"I'm right here."
Taiga saw Hokuto's eyes brighten.
It had been ages since Taiga had seen such a look from Hokuto's eyes.
They were hopeful and gentle, clear as they looked to the person who called his name, the name Taiga had never used before Hokuto said his own in a way he had never heard, but not to him.
"Taiga."
It made Taiga's heart throb.
It wasn't just his name. Of course, it wasn't just his name.
It was the way Hokuto said it. His voice, gentle and sweet. Affectionate. Loving. Adoring.
But Hokuto didn't see him.
He saw someone else.
An image of himself, blonde and shimmering, pushing Hokuto down into a couch with his arms looping around his neck.
Taiga could only watch as Hokuto wrapped his arms around his waist, the person he called "Taiga", holding him tightly in an embrace as if it were their last.
It burned.
Even when it was an image of himself in Hokuto's embrace, it burned.
It wasn't him.
Hokuto wasn't looking at him.
He was holding someone Taiga couldn't be.
Someone who was honest with how he felt.
Someone who could love Hokuto with his whole heart.
"I love you, Hokuto."
Hokuto looked up at him as he held his cheek, lowering into his lap to bring their foreheads to touch.
Taiga didn't want to listen.
He didn't want to see.
He wanted it all to stop.
He hated how much he envied their touch and he wanted to have the words on their lips.
His chest hurt as he wanted to scream for them to stop. To tell Hokuto it wasn't him.
But as they kissed, Taiga couldn't look away.
There was a smile on Hokuto's lips he had forgotten. The fragmented memory came flooding back, remembering how much it made his heart swell when only their little fingers hooked and Hokuto looked at him like he was the only other person in the world.
Yet, Hokuto's gaze wasn't for him.
It was to the copy of him who could use his words.
A version of him that was better.
Better for Hokuto.
"Hokuto?"
Hokuto nodded, as if hypnotized by his words.
"You can only keep one of us."
Taiga's eyes widened as Hokuto's finally fell on him.
They were cold. Painful. Even betrayed.
Taiga couldn't help but feel he deserved all of it.
He didn't say anything when he stopped meeting Hokuto on the roof.
He thought it would have been better to not say anything at all, that it would be better to end something that was never said, instead of having to break apart their affection that only became real after his honesty.
But it didn't change that he loved him.
Taiga still loved him.
Even when they bumped into each other passing by in the midst of the swarm of people at the train station, as Hokuto held tightly onto his arm after not seeing each other in forever, Taiga was scared by how quickly he had fallen in love all over again.
"Which one?"
His copy ran his knuckles under Hokuto's jaw.
"The one that calls you Hokuto, or the one who calls you Matsumura?"
Only then, did Taiga's voice work.
"Matsumura…"
Hokuto's gaze turned away from him.
"... Matsumura—"
Taiga hated how pathetic his name was on his tongue, cracking and pleading for just one more look.
His eyes stung as he watched Hokuto take the cheek of him into his hand, leading him down to another kiss, making his choice.
The dark shadows that had bound his arms began to swallow him, gagging him and slowly blinding him as he sank.
Before his vision was overtaken by darkness and his body was constrained and consumed, Taiga saw Hokuto's loving smile as their lips parted.
"I love you, Taiga."
When Taiga shot up from his couch, his body was covered in a cold sweat as his chest heaved for air.
He coughed, choking as he clutched his chest, his eyes wet with tears he didn't know he shed.
He tried to catch his breath, but his lungs wouldn't listen as they hitched and lurched as tears rolled down his cheeks.
This dream had been plaguing his nights over and over again. Not even the glasses of brandy he consumed could keep him asleep without the nightmare dragging him back awake just before the shadows could fully claim him.
Over and over he watched a copy of himself, saying and speaking to words he had held in his chest the first time he made Hokuto laugh and the words he had buried deep in his heart when he turned away from the stairs up to the roof door.
He tugged his large hoodie back up onto his shoulders as he finally steadied his breath, wiping his tears on his sleeve before jamming the cork back into the half empty bottle of poison.
He was tired.
He was tired of this feeling.
Even if the ties that bound him only existed in the night, he felt them shackle him as he replied to Hokuto's texts with only where he was.
Years left thousands of words unsaid and as Hokuto grabbed his arm, saying without words how afraid he was of losing him in the forest, Taiga could feel them all trying to burst from his sealed throat.
Just seeing Hokuto asleep across from him with Shintaro slumbering peacefully between them made Taiga feel the bindings tightening around him as he wished for nothing more than to feel the warmth of sleeping by Hokuto's side just one more time.
His mimic said everything with such ease and with each sweet word, Taiga saw how Hokuto fell in love.
… If only he had been honest, would Hokuto look at him with such eyes instead?...
Taiga knew he was responsible for Hokuto's pain. If his double had taken his place instead, Hokuto would undoubtedly be happier.
But even now, as Taiga's body was leadened by the weight of his constraints, he wanted to see him.
Even if there was surely someone who could return the deep devoted love Hokuto gave that he didn't deserve, he wanted to see him.
He took the glass and kicked it back, draining the rest into his stomach.
He wanted to see him because he still loved him.
Taiga got to his feet, grabbing his keys and phone from the coffee table, as the invisible claws and hands still willed him back into his seat.
He couldn't be that person.
Taiga knew he could never be that person.
He was years too late to be that person, shimmering, glamorous and honest with his words.
His door shut behind him before he ran.
But even if he was too afraid to use his voice, he hoped that at least his heart would speak.