"Wanting is not the same as needing," Taiga asserts, a certain gravity to his tone as he tugs Hokuto's arm, compelling him into his hotel room. The door closes behind them.
"We will talk now. Even if you don't want it. But I need to," Taiga declares.
Hokuto's guard goes up immediately, arms folding across his chest, creating a physical barrier between them in the limited floor space between the bed and the wardrobe. "Why do you suddenly need to talk? You never need to talk."
Taiga's gaze carries frustration, yet it remains unyielding on Hokuto's. "Because, believe it or not, Hokuto, I care about you. I really want to understand what's bothering you." His every word is punctuated by the tension in his voice.
With Hokuto's silence stretching, Taiga is compelled to press on.
"Did I do something?"
Suddenly, Hokuto finds the pattern of the carpeted floor very interesting.
"Okay, I apparently did. Should I go on guessing what it could be?"
Hokuto shrugs. God, this kind of stuff is pointless.
Taiga sighs. "Fine then. But I'm just telling you, it would be nice if you could at least try to act somewhat normal around me. We don't have to be best friends or anything, but trying to get along, even for the sake of the others, could help."
"Get along?" Hokuto repeats, the choice of Taiga's words making him raise his head in disbelief.
"Well, if that doesn't sound good, tell me what's wrong so I can try to understand better and suggest better ideas."
A heavy silence drops between them as they just stare at each other. Until Hokuto can't control it any longer, and he lets out a long, weary sigh.
"Fine," he mutters, a sense of resignation in his tone. "If you really need to know, I'll tell you. You want to know what's wrong, Kyomoto?"
Taiga raises an eyebrow with an urging expression, a signal that he genuinely wants to know.
Hokuto's voice trembles slightly, and he finds it hard even for himself to decipher whether he's angry, sad, or a combination of both as he begins to speak. "This is so hard because I can't even look at you without feeling like my head is about to burst. I have so many things to tell you, but every word I want to say gets stuck in my throat. I'm terrified that if I let anything out, everything will change, and there's no way going back any longer."
Taiga's raised brows furrow, pure confusion marring his face. "Okay, wow, I'm completely lost here. I didn't understand a thing," he says.
Hokuto's laugh comes out bitter because where is the lie in Taiga's sentence. "Of course, you didn't. How could you ever understand me?" It's not like he's entirely sure if he even understands himself.
"Well, in any case, I'm sorry for upsetting you, whatever it has been. I'm sorry for being like I am. I can't change myself, I'm sorry. What else do you want me to say or do?"
"I want us to quit this. Completely," Hokuto blurts out.
Silence drops between them.
Taiga watches him blankly. "Quit what?"
"You know exactly what I'm talking about," Hokuto huffs.
It feels surreal to finally confront this topic, but it has remained the unspoken undercurrent of their relationship from the very beginning. Outwardly, they are nearly experts at maintaining an air of maturity and professionalism. Yet, they both also possess an extraordinary talent for pretending not to notice the colossal elephant rampaging in the center of the room. Perhaps, for the first time, Hokuto is hinting clearly that they might not just be two casual co-workers but that this elephant has been there for a very long time, wreaking havoc in its wake.
"Okay?" Taiga responds. "Alright then, let's call it quits. At least you finally managed to say it aloud," he scoffs bitterly. "It's kind of ironic, ending something that never even existed. But fine, as you wish. You don't like me anyway, so you must be relieved."
With his frustration waking up, Hokuto can't let Taiga's words go unchallenged. "Don't act like the victim here," he snaps. "This isn't one-sided, Kyomoto. As much as I don't like you, you don't like me either."
"Okay, if you put it like that, then fine."
Taiga makes no indication to say anything else, an unbothered face staying on his face as if they just have been talking about today's bad weather, and that's when Hokuto's frustration begins to boil over.
"So you don't have anything else to say?" he questions, failing at hiding his annoyance. It's as if he's fumbling in the dark, unable to interpret the mystery of Taiga's feelings and thoughts.
"How can you just say something like that to me and then expect me to have an immediate response that would please you?" Taiga shoots back. "What the fuck, Hokuto."
"Well, your answer, or lack thereof, is enough for me."
"Excuse me? Let's rewind this conversation a little bit. You drop this bombshell, talk about calling whatever-it-is quits, and tell me you don't like me. And when I don't have an answer to please you enough, you start snapping at me like that?"
Taiga shakes his head, his throat visibly tightening as he swallows hard. "Hokuto, you're being so unfair. So incredibly unfair and selfish."
"You want to talk about unfair and selfish, Kyomoto," Hokuto feels compelled to get one last word in, "It's unfair and selfish that you pulled me into this conversation, insisting on talking, and now that I'm opening up, you're just standing there in silence, making me feel like a fool."
"Maybe we're finally even then."
"Maybe."
How can Taiga be that annoying? Hokuto turns away, attempting to blink back the welling tears from frustration and regain his composure. A deep exhale follows. Damn it. The last thing he wants is to break down in front of Taiga. To let Taiga be the cause of his tears. He can't allow himself to believe Taiga would be worth that kind of emotional turmoil.
Hokuto is aware that his exhaustion and resignation probably show on his face. Honestly, it feels like these emotions have entirely overtaken him. He's very aware of the recurring pattern in their interactions. They're stuck in a constant loop, unable or unwilling to understand each other. It's as if they are speaking totally different languages despite their efforts to communicate.
Taiga, clearly unable to bear the moment any longer, takes a decisive step toward Hokuto. Hokuto tenses. There are dark circles under Taiga's eyes, and Hokuto is ready to take a hit. He believes he deserves it, after all.
"Sometimes I fucking hate you, Matsumura," Taiga mutters.
He takes a firm grip on Hokuto's collar and stares at him in the eye.
But then, instead of hitting, Taiga leans forward, and his lips meet Hokuto's in a desperate, fervent kiss.
Hokuto responds to Taiga's kiss with equal longing, their lips moving together in a desperate embrace. They sink to sit on Taiga's bed, their bodies entwined, as if drawn together by an irresistible force or fearing they'd drown if they let each other go.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Taiga repeats desperately between the kisses. His frantic apologies keep ringing in Hokuto's ears, stirring up both guilt and threats, yet Hokuto has no power or will to end where the situation is going. He wants to feel all this one last time.
Taiga's fingers begin to peel off Hokuto's outer short-sleeved shirt, leaving him dressed only in his long-sleeved turtleneck. Before moving on to removing the other shirt, Taiga plucks Hokuto's glasses from his face and places them carefully on the nightstand.
Hokuto's vision blurs, and he can't help but appreciate that small gesture. It's like his fuzzy sight mirrors everything he's feeling inside. Not being able to see clearly feels like a perfect reflection of his mental chaos, where he feels lost and uncertain, even with his eyes wide open.
Then their lips collide again in wild, hungry kisses. Taiga pulls Hokuto to lie over him, and Hokuto feels their erections rapidly stiffening inside their pants. Though fleeting doubt still briefly crosses Hokuto's mind, he pushes those thoughts further with every kiss. With Taiga pliant beneath him like that, he can do nothing but focus on the immediate moment, months of yearning and blocked desire coming to the surface and washing over the doubts and uncertainties. He needs Taiga at that right moment, he needs to feel him.
When Hokuto manages to strip Taiga of his shirt, their lips and hands aim at each other's bare skin. Hokuto's touch glides over Taiga's arms, chest, and stomach, his fingers delicately caressing Taiga's nipples before venturing downward, tracing a path that leads to Taiga's navel.
"Hokuto," Taiga whispers needily. His hands shake as he helps remove Hokuto's pants and underwear, leaving Hokuto naked. Hokuto gazes at Taiga, his desire mirrored in Taiga's face, both of them consumed by an overwhelming need. He knows they would devour each other in that moment if given the chance.
"I have lube in the bathroom," Taiga mutters against Hokuto's lips.
They somehow disentangle themselves long enough for Hokuto to retrieve the lube and a pack of condoms. Meanwhile, Taiga discards the rest of his clothes somewhere.
And when Taiga's fingers push into him, surprisingly gently stretching him, it causes Hokuto to catch his breath. It's been way too long since they've done this, and Hokuto has almost forgotten the maddening sensation, physically and mentally, it causes in him. Yet now, it all comes flooding back. He clenches his hands tightly around Taiga's arm. Then, with a bold move, he reaches behind Taiga and starts fingering him at the same time.
Hokuto balances himself on his knees astride Taiga's hips, and Taiga hooks his arms under his armpits so that they're in a hugging position. And suddenly, it feels like such an intimate gesture, so intimate and sweet it kind of feels wrong. Then Taiga helps to lower Hokuto down slowly onto his cock.
Hokuto remembers this. His mind has wandered to this moment on long, lonely nights. He has thought about the blunt pressure of Taiga entering him, their bodies joining and entwining together.
Hokuto looks into Taiga's eyes as they begin to move slowly at first, upping the speed one notch at a time until Taiga finally takes a deep breath and groans Hokuto's name lowly, and that is the last thing that makes them throw caution to the wind.
Taiga's hands grip Hokuto's thighs a bit painfully as he moves his hips and vigorously thrusts into him. Hokuto feels Taiga's cock is buried all the way inside him, and the feeling is overwhelming, but he doesn't want to come yet since he wants to linger on this moment for a bit longer. And because he doesn't want to admit it is the reason, he murmurs something incoherent about wanting to fuck Taiga too.
So, they shift their position, with Taiga keeping his balance on his elbows while Hokuto starts fucking him from behind. Even in the middle of that, a nagging fear creeps over Hokuto again. It feels like they are hurtling toward something dangerous that is soon out of their control, and they have no power to stop it.
Taiga utters a choked sob, "I can't take this any longer..." Is he referring to the sex, or is he also talking about something else?
"Kiss me," Hokuto urges, leaning in over his back. They kiss hungrily. Hokuto moves slowly and deeply, the pleasure almost painful in its fervor. When he starts reaching his climax, a blaze of intensity leaves Hokuto temporarily breathless. Hokuto pumps into Taiga a few times before he pulls out, rips the condom off and spills his cum over Taiga's lower back, his breaths unwieldy and eyes tightly closed.
His hand then slips between Taiga's legs and grips his cock. Taiga can't help bucking into his touch, pure want raditating from him as Hokuto keeps pumping him. He is as responsive as ever, and a part of Hokuto yearns to make this moment last indefinitely, relishing in the intoxicating sound of Taiga's begging pleas. He brings Taiga to the edge, and it is erotic to witness him lose control like that, all because of the pleasure Hokuto has brought him.
Hokuto turns around to hold him close, embrace him, and press kisses against his head as Taiga slowly comes down from his high. Hokuto doesn't let go of him even when it's over.
They don't say anything for some time. Taiga stays very quiet and motionless in Hokuto's arms even when Hokuto keeps stroking his arm and kissing his sweaty hair tenderly. Hokuto catches himself thinking it already feels like they are drifting away from each other even though they are still as close as they could possibly be.
The moment is abruptly shattered. Without warning, Taiga pushes Hokuto away forcibly. It's like a cold splash of water thrown on him, and Hokuto is taken aback by the sudden physical separation.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, Taiga buries his face into his hands, almost like he is showing off the surrender from his side. "I'm sorry."
Hokuto's gaze wavers, his anger slowly fading. In fact, he doesn't feel angry anymore. There is pure sadness surrounding him now, and he still feels lost, just as he did before. He averts his gaze, seeking refuge in the corner of the room because he is afraid of looking at Taiga.
"It's okay. It's not your fault," Hokuto manages to say. "It's my fault that I let it go too far. But let's promise that was the last time."
With a heavy sigh and still avoiding eye contact, Hokuto reluctantly gets up and starts putting his clothes back on.
Finally, Hokuto stands at the doorway, his hand visibly trembling as it hesitates over the doorknob. The decision to leave feels heavy, like something irreversible once he steps outside.
"I wanted to say something before I leave," Hokuto confesses, his back turned to the room, unable to bring himself to look at Taiga, fearing he will break down if he does.
"I lied to you. I don't dislike you, not even a bit. The truth is, I've been avoiding you because, no matter how hard I try to stop it, I keep crazily, desperately, pathetically falling more and more in love with you, Kyomoto. And I can't control it, and that's what's tearing me apart. That's why I want to put an end to this."
Hokuto turns slowly, his gaze fixing on Taiga, who sits at the edge of the bed, his bare chest rising and falling with barely noticeable breaths.
Taiga's eyes remain stiff, set in a distant, unfocused stare. Maybe he didn't hear properly, maybe he didn't comprehend Hokuto's words, maybe he did, maybe nothing like that really matters at that point any longer.
"Can you imagine?" Hokuto presses on even though he isn't expecting an answer. He runs a hand through his hair in frustration. "Can you imagine what it's like to crave something so intensely that it feels like it's tearing you apart? To have it within reach, yet unable to grasp it fully?"
Taiga remains silent, and Hokuto, unable to contain himself any longer now that he's started, continues speaking.
Hokuto's voice trembles. "I can't count the nights I spend lying awake, lost in these fantasies. What it'd be like to feel your lips against mine again. To taste you. To touch you everywhere and make you feel good. To hear how you sound like when you come," he confesses.
Then his voice slightly cracks as he goes on. "But it gets even worse. When I let my mind wander to forbidden places where it shouldn't. I find myself daydreaming about holding you close, hugging you, and holding your hand. I imagine us going on a proper date. I ache to hear your laughter, see your smile, and be one of the reasons for your happiness."
Hokuto lets out a bitter, self-deprecating laugh. "But then reality hits, and it hits hard. I know we... we can't have any of that. There's no future like that for us."
Taiga's gaze remains empty, his eyes appearing even darker than usual. He chooses not to respond, a silence deepening the already tense situation.
"So, that's why I want us to stay away from each other. It's best for both of us, for all of us," Hokuto's voice quivers. "I promise to behave normally around you, for the sake of everyone else and for the sake of us two. But you must also promise to do your best so that anything like... this won't happen again."
Hokuto yanks the door open. He has already said more than enough.
But then, a sudden pang of pain tugs at him, compelling him to cast one final glance over his shoulder at the room. His gaze automatically falls upon Taiga, who remains seated at the edge of the bed, his silhouette shrouded in shadow.
In that fleeting moment, Hokuto sees an unexpected vulnerability in Taiga. Although he hasn't moved an inch, it's suddenly there. The weight of everything - Hokuto's confession, their tangled intimacy, unspoken thoughts, and concealed secrets, everything - seems to bear down heavily on Taiga's shoulders. His posture is crouched, and his whole figure appears suddenly diminished, smaller than ever before.
Something inside Hokuto clenches, maybe his heart.
For a brief moment, he wants to return to the room, wrap Taiga in a warm, tight hug, and tell him he's sorry and that it will be alright. They'll find a way to be fine. But he knows he can't. He can't go back on his decision now. Hokuto knows their situation is too hopeless, and he has already endured enough pain because of it.
So, he fights against his own longing, refraining from uttering any more words that could further complicate things. Without looking back, he walks out of the room, his footsteps muffled by the soft carpet in the dimly lit corridor.
When Hokuto reaches the elevator area in the lobby, he surprisingly finds Juri standing there. Spotting Hokuto, Juri raises his hand in a friendly wave, but soon, a concerned expression appears on his face as he takes a closer look at Hokuto. Before Juri can utter a single word, Hokuto holds up his hand.
"Don't," Hokuto says hurriedly, his voice strained. "Don't say anything."
"I wasn't going to."
Juri calls for an elevator for them. It arrives promptly, and Juri presses the button for the floor where their rooms are. In the confined space, they stand side by side, sharing the weight of something that can't be said aloud. Hokuto doesn't know if Juri really knows, but there's still the silent support radiating from him, and Hokuto sends silent thanks to the sky for having such an understanding friend like him.
"Are you alright?" Juri finally asks, his tone gentle, as if testing the waters carefully.
Hokuto's shoulders sag. He lets out a long sigh as if releasing some of the heavyweights he has been carrying. Maybe, in that moment, it's as if he's shedding some of the restrained feelings that have accumulated within him. He knows he needs to leave them all behind and carry on.
"No," Hokuto admits, his voice barely above a whisper. "But I will be. I have to be."
He will keep his promise. It can't happen again, Hokuto swears to himself. It's for the best, especially after he has already crossed a dozen forbidden lines. He'll push Taiga out of his mind. He'll bury his feelings deep in the soil, concealing them like a shameful secret, locking them behind a thick door, tossing away the key. Maybe adding extra chains for good measure, just in case.