"Marriage isn't exactly... my thing," Juri manages to stammer.
Shintaro grabs a piece of chicken with his chopsticks and takes a bite of it.
"Alright?" Shintaro says with an unbothered expression. "Well, if you're genuinely as gay as you portray, it's not that shocking. After all, you wouldn't even have the option to get married here in Japan."
"No, I mean... it's the whole concept that doesn't suit me."
Juri closes his eyes for a moment, searching for the right words.
He had mentally braced himself for this conversation – or at least for the eventual outcome that it would lead to. What he hadn't anticipated was that it would all unfold on a random Friday night at a nearby izakaya, just around the corner from Shintaro's place.
Juri takes a deep breath, his gaze fixed on Shintaro, and suddenly, it feels even harder to let out the words.
He knows that he likes Shintaro.
It's not just any kind of liking; it's more profound than that, something he hasn't quite been able to put into words. It's the way Shintaro's laughter creates a warmth within him, the way his presence feels like a comforting embrace. He knows he's been saying about many of his dates that he likes them, and his feelings have most probably been genuine, but this kind of liking-liking is on the next level.
He really really likes Shintaro, and that, perhaps, is the worst part.
And against all odds, it seems that Shintaro may feel something deeper towards Juri too. That it's not just a random hookup for him where they're casually sleeping together, and that's it.
It's how he gives Juri a soft kiss as he leaves Shintaro's apartment in the morning, the attention to small details that Juri appreciates, and the genuine concern for Juri's well-being – ensuring he eats enough and gets adequate sleep. Although Shintaro is, admittedly, a contributing factor to Juri's recent lack of sleep. Behind closed doors, it seems impossible for them to resist each other, making it very challenging for them to keep their hands to themselves. But that's a whole other story.
Yes, Juri really likes Shintaro, and he's on the dangerous path of slowly falling for him.
But he knows the painful truth.
That it's going to end tonight.
That he has no future with Shintaro.
That he can't continue down this path.
His feelings for Shintaro run too deep for him to hurt him knowingly.
Yet, it hurts inside Juri as well. All he desires is to be honest and true to himself and live the life he wants by loving the people he cares about. Ironically, in doing so, he apparently manages to hurt everyone around him.
"Hm, do you want to elaborate? By looking at your face, there's apparently something in this conversation that needs to be said," Shintaro says.
He pauses, sending Juri a skeptical look. "Don't tell me you're already married because I don't want—"
"No, nothing like that," Juri cuts him off.
He utters a long sigh before continuing. "It's not the concept of being committed to someone that would disgust me. It's the concept of being committed to only one person that doesn't appeal to me at all."
"Ummm, okay?"
Juri deliberately avoids Shintaro's gaze, sensing that Shintaro must be confused and unprepared for what Juri is about to disclose.
One of his exes used to hurl accusations, claiming Juri misleads people, intentionally causes pain for others, and seriously lacks understanding about real love.
Then his ex even suggested that Juri should seek help. Then labeling Juri as a sick, abnormal freak with unresolved traumas and that's why he's been acting like that. It's been a challenge to dismiss these accusations entirely up to this day.
All Juri can wish is that Shintaro won't be too offended.
"I'm not monogamous."
Shintaro doesn't utter a word.
"I—can't promise to commit to only one person romantically. Even if I would try and kind of want, it never eventually works out," Juri confesses, laying bare a part of himself he's kept hidden. He keeps his head down, gazing at the fabric of his pants.
Shintaro remains silent. It prompts Juri to lift his head slightly to gauge Shintaro's reaction.
Shintaro's eyes are fixed on him, not angry, perhaps only confused. It emboldens Juri to continue, hoping he still has a chance to clarify.
"It's not like I wouldn't feel love or affection. The problem is that I feel all that too much, and there's no limit to how much I can feel if the right person comes. And it's not like there's only one right person for me. I feel like there are plenty of the right people for me. That's why I wouldn't mind having several boyfriends or hookups. Sometimes, I've tried to explain it by comparing how I don't mind having several friends or loving all my brothers."
Juri releases another sigh. The ambient sounds of the izakaya seem to fade into the background as he goes on.
"That's why I want to be honest with you right away because I've developed this silly crush on you, and it keeps getting worse day by day. My past relationships ended nastily, and I'm not proud of them. I hurt many people as I cheated on them. But I would never want to hurt you the same way because you're maybe the greatest guy I've met in a long time. I completely understand if you don't want to see me any longer because I can't promise you forever or my whole heart. But damn, Morimoto Shintaro, you've taken my heart. And despite my way of living, I'm just a normal guy. Wishing for another guy to love him back. But it's impossible."
Juri fights back the feeling of breaking down. He tears his gaze away and bites his lip as he knows he needs to say the final words aloud.
"I'm sorry. I wish you all the best for the future."
It's been ages since he felt this kind of pain over someone he'd been seeing for only a month. However, at this moment, the pain is so intense that his whole body seems to be beaten.
Letting go of Shintaro hurts; it really, really hurts.
"Didn't you just say you don't want us to stop seeing each other?"
Juri isn't sure if he heard it right, or he's unsure what Shintaro is implying.
"Well yeah, I think I've already fallen too deep, so cutting it off at this point is better. I can't change myself, and I don't want to hurt you anymore in any other way."
"Why would you need to change yourself?"
"What?"
Shintaro's smile is bright like there's sunlight beaming around him.
He reaches across the table to take Juri's hand, gripping it.
"If you're not willing to break up with me, I'm not willing to break up with you either."
"This doesn't... bother you?"
"Why would it bother me when a guy I have developed a huge crush on tells me he has similar feelings for me as well?" Shintaro asks earnestly. "And if we decide to continue seeing each other and make this an official thing, we just need to discuss it like any other couple in a healthy relationship would need to?"
Shintaro's words resonate with Juri as if he's articulating Juri's thoughts. Yet, it's hard for Juri to grasp that he laid everything out for Shintaro, and the guy hasn't stormed out. Instead, Shintaro is willing to continue the conversation. Just like that.
"So, you're not angry with me?" Juri asks, still wrestling with the disbelief that Shintaro's reaction isn't negative.
"Seriously, why would I be angry with you?"
Juri can't answer that. Because. Why indeed would Shintaro be angry with him for being honest about his feelings and his approach to relationships?
"Now, let's eat and continue this conversation at my place, not here," Shintaro suggests, squeezing Juri's hand once more before leaning in a bit.
"And I really, really want to get out of here soon because I want to fuck you," he whispers against Juri's ear.
Later on, that's precisely what Shintaro does, and he doesn't waste any time on that.
He fucks Juri in the foyer against the wall, kissing his neck hungrily as he bounds into him.
And even more later on, they also have a long discussion. They talk and talk and talk, and it goes on for hours.
Still, Shintaro isn't even the slightest angry with Juri but only tells honestly in return what he personally wants, what he seeks, and how he feels about him.
They talk like any other couple, addressing fears, desires, and expectations if they decide to be together. Shintaro listens earnestly, and Juri can only be grateful for the acceptance and patience Shintaro extends.
Eventually, Shintaro hugs him tight and mumbles against Juri's neck: "You know, I think we're onto something very good here."
Juri smiles, the weight of uncertainty already lifted a long before as he agrees on that. "Yeah, I think so too."
And then, they agree to be boyfriends. Officially.