Without You

Maybe some would say he should be happy.

Anyone should be happy to finally have the chance to have sex with the person you love.

But all Taiga could feel in his chest was an agony that only sunk deeper into his heart.

Because this wasn't love.

Why he said yes? He didn't know.

Maybe it was just to shatter his heart one last time to the point it could never repair, to finally burnish into his sick mind that Matsumura Hokuto would never hold him because he loved him.

Not because he cared.

Not because he was special to his heart.

Not because he mattered.

Just as a friend.

Hah.

How fucked up was that?

Taiga couldn't even be upset with him.

He was much worse because he had said yes.

They didn't speak a word as they entered the hotel, taking the keys from the front desk to walk by doors that barely held back sounds of whining pleasure behind them.

Even after Taiga unlocked their room and Hokuto closed them inside, neither of them said a thing.

Hokuto knew this was wrong.

He knew this wasn't what he wanted, but just the thought of someone else holding Taiga made his blood go cold.

He hated how he was just a replacement for the person Taiga loved so dearly in his heart.

He hated how Taiga loved that person to the point of tears.

He wished so deeply that it could have been him. If it had been him, he would have loved Taiga with everything he had in his heart and more.

If it had just been him—...

But he knew it would never be.

Between them, it was impossible. No matter how badly he wished it was.

They both stood in the dark, remembering the comfort of their shared room and how simple everything had been back then.

When they quietly kept their love to themselves just for the chance of catching the other's gaze.

But that was somewhere they could never return now.

Hokuto clenched his jaw as Taiga stood at the foot of the bed, staring at the tray that held items meant for lovers.

"... Kyomot–"

Hokuto finally got his voice to work, but before he could even begin, Taiga dropped his jacket to the floor.

He couldn't bring himself to continue as Taiga pulled off his shirt from his back, leaving him bare with only the glow of the neon lights outside the window on his skin.

As many times as Hokuto had looked away from Taiga's thin frame, this hurt the most as he tried to swallow down the lump that grew in his throat.

"... Is it disgusting?"

Hokuto opened his mouth to respond, his eyes still set on the gaudy patterned carpet.

"... I-"

"I'm a man after all."

He didn't know what to say.

He couldn't say that he didn't care.

He couldn't say that it didn't matter because it was him he fell in love with.

So Hokuto stayed quiet.

And that silence made Taiga's chest ache.

Taiga already believed it was true.

But the wordless confirmation crushed him.

He did his best to hide how his breath shook as he made steps towards the other.

The longer they were here, the longer it would hurt.

"... Just close your eyes."

Hokuto's back and heels collided with the closed door behind him, stumbling back in surprise when Taiga pulled at his belt.

"Kyomoto-"

Taiga tried to keep his voice from breaking as he dropped to his knees, not needing her name to make tears threaten his eyes.

"Just pretend it's her."

Hokuto had just been doing the same with her earlier, right?

Then it should be simple.

If he thought of her, then it would be easy.

The blood would go to the right place as long as he thought of her.

Of her small form and her cute smile.

Of her soft skin and her gentle curves that made her a woman.

Not him.

Not his body.

Not his revolting touch.

Her.

Just her.

Only her.

Hokuto shut his eyes tight when he heard the zipper of his pants come undone.

No.

This wasn't right.

This wasn't what he wanted.

He wanted so badly to just love him.

Only if things had been different.

This wasn't how he wanted to have him.

But what other choice did he have?...

He had to.

He had to.

Taiga wasn't even his, but he just couldn't let it be someone else, even if there was no love in it at all.

Hokuto threw his head back, his teeth clenched as his skull thumped against the wood door.

He didn't need Mayuri to get hard.

Just the touch of the hands he had come to find beautiful was enough for his blood to shamefully race in the right direction.

He hated this.

He hated that he had to pretend that he didn't wish this was more.

"T-that's enough—"

"Let's just get it over with."

Taiga wiped his lips with the back of his hand, stumbling as Hokuto pulled him up onto his feet to just move him onto the bed.

He tried to stay strong.

He thought he could charge through and have it all just blend into one large blur.

But he didn't think that the skipping of his heart when Hokuto shed off his top layer would be what would break him.

After all, Taiga still loved him.

Hokuto still made his heart sing and cry all at once.

Enough.

He had enough.

Taiga just wanted to be over.

"Just do it."

"But–”

"Hurry."

"Kyomoto, you—"

"You offered, so just do it already!!!"

That was right.

Hokuto couldn't deny it.

He was the scumbag that offered to fuck him like that was something normal for a friend to do.

Hokuto hated how much it hurt Taiga.

He almost screamed from the pain as tears fell from his eyes.

Hokuto didn't know what he was doing.

He was hurting him. He knew he was hurting him but he didn't know what else to do.

Why was it that he couldn't even make him feel good?

Hokuto panted, biting at his lip to keep the endless sorries that wanted to spill from his heart.

He wanted to be gentle.

He wanted to hold him.

He wanted to brush away Taiga's tears.

He wanted so badly to just love him.

Taiga hid his face behind his arms as his tears wouldn't stop.

It burned.

It ached.

Even after the pain melted away, his heart still cried because it still yearned for something more. The pleasure and the ecstasy couldn't replace how badly he simply wanted to be loved.

If he just had Hokuto's heart, he would never ask the world for anything else.

He just wanted to see him smile.

He wanted to be why he smiled.

He wanted Hokuto to take his first kiss because he wanted to.

Not just because he cried hard enough so he would do it as a friend.

"Kyomoto…."

For a moment, Hokuto got lost.

Men became fools when it came to pleasure and for just a moment, Hokuto fell victim.

Even with the tears and whines of pain, nothing could change the fact that he found Taiga beautiful.

Hokuto fell over him, lost, for a moment, watching the lips that gasped and parted because of him.

He loved him.

He loved him with his whole heart.

And right now, he had him.

But when Taiga clasped his hands tight over his own mouth, Hokuto was brought back to reality as he watched the tears fall from Taiga's shut eyes.

This wasn't for him.

This wasn't about him.

Taiga gave up his body because he was suffering.

Hokuto took his body.

He had him.

But not his lips.

Not his first kiss.

Not his heart.

Not his love.

Hokuto couldn't let himself forget that for the sake of his own love as he sat back and gripped Taiga’s hips to bring them both out of their misery.

Taiga's chest heaved even after they finished, curling over on his side to sob into the patterned sheets with Hokuto still between his legs.

He couldn't stop.

The ache and the pain that had built up for so long was finally overflowing.

This hurt more than anything.

It hurt more than seeing Hokuto hold her.

It hurt more than seeing him kiss her or hearing the music that sang about how deeply he loved her.

It hurt more than knowing he never cared. It hurt more than knowing they would never be anything.

It hurt because he knew he had to finally let go.

With this, it had to be over.

He had taken more than he could have ever asked for and now it would be his curse.

Taiga just hoped that after this, his whole heart could go numb.

Hokuto could only watch.

He could only watch and stay silent as Taiga cried until all that was left was the shaking of his breath.

Even as Taiga untangled himself from him and tried to stand, Hokuto had his hand slapped away as Taiga collapsed to the ground, tears building his eyes again.

"... I'm sorry…"

I'm sorry.

Those were the last words Hokuto ever heard from Taiga.

Those words should have come from his mouth.

But all he did was watch in silence as Taiga closed the door behind him before completely disappearing from his life.

He was ignorant to think things could have gone back to normal, but he couldn't help but wish that Taiga would appear in class and sit at the lunch table with everyone again.

It only hit him once Shintaro appeared at his door.

"Hey."

Hokuto could hardly look him in the eyes.

He knew Shintaro was upset.

Of course, he would be.

The person who he loved as a brother suddenly vanished with only Hokuto's guilty expression as an explanation.

Shintaro clenched his teeth after Hokuto couldn't even muster a greeting.

"... I'm only here because you weren't at the bar when I told everyone else."

"I'm transferring."

Only then was Hokuto able to meet the eyes that burned.

"Huh? But did you just–”

"Yeah. I did," Shintaro almost spat. "Then you must know why I came here in the first place."

Hokuto's chest throbbed as he knew exactly why. He also knew that he was the reason why it was gone.

Clearly, Shintaro knew too from the way his fists tightened.

The guilt closed Hokuto's throat as he stayed silent.

"... I'm going with him... I don't know what the hell happened, but I'm not leaving him alone."

Shintaro bit hard at the inside of his cheek.

"Hokuto… What did you do to him?..."

He kept his mouth shut. Even after Shintaro yanked him forward using a fist full of his shirt.

"What the hell did you do?!?"

Hokuto could only look away as Shintaro screamed at him.

"Give me a reason to hit you!! Please!!"

"The silence from both of you is killing me!!"

"I need a reason to hate you–!! I need a reason for all the crying!! I need something to blame for all of this!"

The anger in Shintaro's voice turned to begging as he pulled at Hokuto's shirt in desperation.

"Please, Hokuto–!"

"I like you–..."

"I need a reason why I can't be your friend…"

Hokuto could only watch as the truth burned in his throat.

He could never say.

Especially not to Shintaro.

He could only hope that the silence hurt less than the confession of his betrayal.

"... I'm sorry, Shintaro…"

"I can't."

Life moved on.

It had to.

It couldn't wait for Hokuto to recover from a grief that felt never ending.

The person who had turned his life upside down and took his heart with him was gone and would never come back.

All Hokuto could do was hope that he was happy.

If anything came from that night, he hoped that Taiga got what he wanted, a reason and a moment to have him move on to find someone who would cherish him.

If Taiga was happy, then Hokuto couldn't ask for anything more, even if it meant the undoing of his own heart and the memory of being so close but so far from the one he wanted to love.

Life continued.

It had to.

Hokuto was older now.

He graduated college in silence, keeping to himself in a shattered sense of normalcy as he no longer saw Shintaro, Kochi or Taiga.

It was like his life had done a hard reset, but the scars of his mistakes remained not only on him, but his friends.

Jesse and Juri laughed and smiled, but Hokuto could tell there was a gag order they had placed on themselves, silencing any word of the others, though Hokuto knew they still spoke.

There was no way Jesse was about to let Kochi go.

He saw the texts Juri got from Shintaro.

There was a life that existed before.

It was painful.

At least back then, Hokuto was still able to see Taiga's smile.

Now, they carried on like none of them ever meant anything in their life.

Hokuto rolled his sore neck as he waited in the hallway for his next meeting.

His body wasn't as spry as it used to be.

Parts of his body ached without warning and whined as he tried to sleep after hours at a desk in his office, he wasn't young anymore.

Eight years of working changed people.

It certainly changed Hokuto, but he was still grateful for his job.

Most people couldn't get a job in their major.

He considered himself blessed for getting a job in composition, even if they were just short tunes and jingles at the moment. Today, his company hoped that his good reputation would help them score another job, a piece for an upcoming drama.

"Matsumura?"

Hokuto stood up when he heard his name from his manager who peeked out the meeting room door.

"Come on in, we're ready."

Corporate labor was a world of formalities, bowing, thanking and kowtowing to those with more authority than him as he entered with his head down, introducing himself as he always did.

For proposals like this, Hokuto had a script written in his head he always had prepared to present the capabilities of his own work.

It had worked many times before so he had no doubt it would work now as he bowed, entering the room.

It was simple.

At least, it should have been simple.

The moment he raised his head, he went completely breathless.

It didn't quite feel real.

Somewhere inside his stuttering brain, there was still a part of him that was banging on the walls of his mind, telling him to focus and listen to the words being traded around him. They talked about his work, about his future and his opportunities, but all that Hokuto could hear in his ears was a muffled hum as a ringing grew in his head.

He was different.

Yet, Hokuto’s heart still pounded in his chest the same way it had back then.

"Matsumura?..."

The long seconds that had slowed down suddenly played back in double speed, dragging him back to the present as his manager called his name, anxiously gesturing for him to introduce himself to the hiring staff.

“A-ah. Sorry–” Hokuto stammered.

He brought his attention to the lead director, bowing and introducing himself, but not without first nearly catching a glimpse of the glasses framed eyes that nearly met with his.

His heart was pounding.

His hands were shaking.

He tried to steady his voice the best he could as he handed the director his card, fighting his gaze from looking back at the man who sat beside her.

He had made a face just before Hokuto stood before him.

Whatever it was, had it been disgust or regret, it was gone as he rose from his chair, holding out his card to him as if they had never met.

"I'm Kyomoto Taiga, it's a pleasure to meet you."

There were a million questions Hokuto had built up over the days and months he spent alone in that dorm room. Years later, he had learned to let them go, but now, as they faced each other, they all flooded back to the top of his throat.

Why?

Why did you leave?

Why did you say yes?

Why did you disappear?

Why did you let me do that to you?

Why?...

Was it worth it?

Are you happy?

Are you happier without me?

But a room crowded with employees and a prospective job on the line wasn't the right place or the right time to ask.

So Hokuto bowed and took the card that held the name which haunted him in his sleep.

"It's nice to meet you."

The meeting went on as Hokuto tried to act as if everything inside him was normal.

He tried to act as if his eyes didn't want to catch on the smooth hair that was a deep brown or the glasses that were set on his nose. He fought to pretend as if he weren't intentionally avoiding his gaze.

The others in the room were busy with the presentation as Hokuto sat with his hands in his lap, trying to ignore the steady beating in his chest that only ever happened when that one person was near.

Hokuto wanted to ignore the sting in his throat that told him that he was the only one who cared as Kyomoto Taiga acted as if he was no one at all

Taiga didn't spare him a second thought as he was falling apart in silence.

Even after the director proposed they work together, Taiga didn't hesitate to agree while Hokuto felt his mouth turn dry before he forced words from his lips.

It was embarrassing. Pathetic. Pitiful. Every word there was to describe a worthless sap who couldn't keep himself together after seeing the person he had fallen in love with eight years ago.

When Hokuto finally stepped outside the building, he breathed like he had never experienced air before as his head began to ache. He wasn't a smoker, but if anyone had been around to offer, he didn't think he would've turned it down.

"... Matsumura?"

Hokuto hated how just his voice was able to make his heart squeeze. Still.

Still, after years apart.

Still, after he had tried to have other partners, both men and women.

Still, after he had tried so hard to forget the feel of his skin that he so desperately wished had been different.

Hokuto forced himself to meet his gaze, no matter how much it made his chest sink and his heart sore.

He was beautiful. Still.

Even with the glimmering blonde gone and the heavy frames on his nose, Hokuto found him beautiful.

After today, he wasn't sure if there would ever be a day that he didn't.

"... Kyomoto."

Taiga stood beside him.

Hokuto would be forever thankful for that as it allowed for their gaze to break as they stood outside, people and cars flowing past on the street and sidewalk before them.

"It's been a while."

"... It has."

He didn't understand how Taiga could act so naturally.

He was the one who left. He was the one who chose to disappear.

So why was Taiga acting like nothing had happened while he was the one crumbling from the inside?

Pathetic.

He was pathetic for falling so deeply in love with someone who told him from the beginning it was impossible.

"It'll be the first time we work together since school. It's all sort of hazy now."

"Yeah… I can hardly remember it."

Hokuto lied.

He remembered every detail.

Even their last duet in the moonlight when he was so close to having their lips meet.

Hokuto remembered it down to the detail where Taiga's breath was warm against his lips and all Hokuto could think about was how badly he wanted to kiss him.

But if Taiga forgot, then he would act like he had too.

Despite the orchestra of sounds from the street, the silence that fell between them was as heavy as it had always been.

Taiga's grip tightened on his bag.

"... Matsumura, I–"

"Taiga!"

Both of their heads whipped around when the voice called from down the street.

Hokuto could only see the back of Taiga's dark hair as he stepped out from the overhang of the company building.

"Ah. Myuuto."

The man had a bright smile as he jogged up to Taiga, Hokuto's eyes helplessly following how his arm went around Taiga's shoulders for a second before his hand smoothed down Taiga's arm.

Hokuto tore his gaze away to stare down at the sidewalk as they talked.

"Sorry, were you waiting long?"

"No, not at all. I'm sorry you had to come all the way here.”

The unfamiliar laugh from the man made Hokuto's stomach turn.

"It's alright. If it's to see you, then I'm more than happy."

"Thank you, Myuuto."

"You're welcome. Are you ready to go?" The man asked.

"... Or did you need more time with your friend?"

Deep inside, Hokuto knew this was a sight he never wanted to see.

Somewhere inside, his heart wanted to believe he would see something different, but from the warm and sweet language they exchange, Hokuto knew he couldn't even force himself to see it differently.

They stood so close together as Taiga shifted to face him at the man's side, not leaving room to spare as their shoulders nearly met.

After all this time, Hokuto had thought his heart had experienced it all. Every pain, ache and pang that drowned him in regrets.

But somehow, Taiga still found a new way to make it sink and make his stomach feel sick.

Taiga blinked before his gaze darted away from his.

Hokuto wondered if it was because he could see the questions in eyes.

"No, it's okay. We can go," Taiga replied. "We were just waiting together."

Waiting.

For what?

Hokuto didn't have a ride.

It sounded like an excuse one would tell their lover to hide themselves from their cheating.

The man smiled, reaching over to give Hokuto a brief friendly tap on the side of his shoulder before moving back to Taiga's side. "Well, thank you for staying with him… Uhh–”

"Matsumura Hokuto," Hokuto said, filling in the name the man waited for.

"Matsumura! Thanks!" The man grinned.

"I'm Morita Myuuto, I'm-"

Taiga cut in.

"He's the guy I'm seeing."

Hokuto wondered if his face had gone pale as he stammered out a generic reply.

"Ah."

"I see."

It was the middle of fall, but it felt suddenly colder than any day in the midst of winter.

It had already been eight years but still his chest hurt more than the day he knew he was in love with Kyomoto Taiga.

Though the worst part of all of it was that the heavy ache in his stomach told him he hadn't moved on.

After all this time.

He was just as much in love with him as the day he disappeared.

This sucked.

This fucking sucked.

Taiga just laughed, making Hokuto's stomach twist as he pushed at Myuuto's chest, signaling, for some reason Hokuto didn't know, that they were in a rush.

"Sorry, Matsumura. We have somewhere we need to be. I'll meet you next week, alright?"

Hokuto nodded, hating just how much he had missed hearing Taiga's laughter.

"Yeah. Next week."

They both gave Hokuto polite bows before threading into the rushing crowd, leaving Hokuto to watch Taiga's back until it was lost in the moving pattern of people.

He wanted to cry.

He almost wanted to scream.

It was miserable for a man in his early thirties to cry over a college crush, wasn't it?

Maybe buying packs of beers to chug down with his convenience store bento wasn't any better, but what else was there for him to do?

In the end, he still cried, just with a beer in his hand as he stared at the alcohol and tear-blurred words he had helplessly typed into the group chat with Jesse and Juri.

Hokuto:

I found him.

Hokuto:

He found me.

Hokuto:

He's dating someone

Hokuto:

He used to call me Hokuto

"You look like hell."

Hokuto threw back the energy drink, swallowing its heavy flavored medicine before chasing it with his bottle of tea.

He looked like hell.

He felt like hell too.

The shower he took in the morning could only cure his hangover so much and there was nothing to be done about the swelling in his eyes and aching back after sleeping over his floor table for the night.

He felt horrible.

But the pang in his head and dryness of his eyes were nothing compared to the sinking of his heart.

Hokuto glanced over to his supervisor, chucking the empty bottle into the trash before following him into the elevator.

"I'll make it through."

"Are you sure? You know we have to put up a strong face in front of RN company, or we'll never get contracted again."

"I know," Hokuto sighed.

"I know."

It was hard enough that he had to keep up his looks in front of the company, but maintaining them in front of Taiga made it challenging.

Every time Taiga smiled, it mended his heart before breaking it in half again.

"My meeting is up on the eleventh floor," his supervisor said as he checked his watch. "You're going to the sound room on the fifth floor, right?"

"Yeah."

Unfortunately.

Hokuto wasn't sure he was mentally steeled enough to handle being in a room alone with Taiga, but he didn't really have a choice.

He just hoped his heart would ice over or become completely numb so that by the end of the assignment, he would have some closure to let himself finally let Taiga go.

As he stepped off the elevator and made it to the third sound room on the right, Hokuto took deep breaths, trying to slow his racing pulse.

It would be okay.

It had to be okay.

He had to be okay.

Or he would never get through the week.

His palms were sweaty he opened the door, unsure what would happen once it opened to the other side. His head felt dizzy as he held his breath like he was a child checking the closet for monsters.

It was just Taiga.

It was only Taiga.

But that was the problem itself.

Hokuto almost would have preferred it was a monster as he opened the door, his knees feeling weak as the hinges squeaked.

He thought it would have almost knocked him off his feet as he was overwhelmed with his denial and despair of how badly he wished everything could have been different. How badly he wanted to embrace him as his heart screamed for all those years before.

How badly he wanted to love him.

Yet, the moment he saw Taiga in the room filled with instruments, he was taken back to a time when everything was simple.

To that room filled with music.

To that room where it was only them and their harmony.

Maybe it was just his body defending itself from the waves of self loathing and hatred that would have overtaken him, but Hokuto's mind went clear as Taiga turned from the piano to meet his eyes through his thick frames.

If it was like this, Hokuto could survive.

Pretending it was just like then.

Before the tears, the angry words, the sex.

When it was just music.

"... Good morning."

Hokuto barely nodded as he pushed his own glasses up his nose and set his bag down on the small wooden table before finding a canned coffee held in front of him, his eyes following the hand which held it.

Taiga's eyes were as clear as they were before, even if Hokuto could see the exhaustion behind them.

"You look like you could use it."

There were thousands of words that could have come from Hokuto's mouth, but all he said was "thank you" as he took the can, holding it from the bottom as if Taiga's skin would burn him if they touched.

The can opened with a crisp snap as Taiga turned back to the piano, plucking at its keys.

Hokuto swallowed down the thick sweet drink.

It almost hurt more that Taiga was kind.

Taiga had forgiven and forgotten, leaving Hokuto behind as a horrible memory of his youth while Hokuto couldn't even forgive himself after all these years.

To Hokuto, Taiga was still someone precious. Someone precious that he had hurt.

To Taiga, Hokuto could only assume he was just a forgotten nightmare.

Though now wasn't the time to mourn what he couldn't have eight years ago and still couldn't have now.

They had a job.

Hokuto could only hope he could fill the aching void in his chest with music once more.

"The song is for a housing company?" He asked.

"Mhm,” Taiga hummed back.

"Then something cheery and welcoming?"

"Something like that."

Taiga played like nothing had happened. It was either that or Taiga didn't pour his feelings into his song anymore.

Either one made Hokuto feel lonely as he tried to do the same.

After Taiga left his life, his music wasn't all that emotional. If anything, it had only become more closed off as he filled it with mentally straining techniques that kept his mind from lingering on his despair. Kamenashi must have noticed from the faces he made when Hokuto was done, nearly sweating from the effort, but he gave him clemency and didn't say a thing.

For the most part, the day went fine.

Taiga played more instruments than Hokuto could remember and they quickly patched together different pieces with different pacings and chords to present to the producer.

When playing beside him, Hokuto could momentarily forget the biggest mistakes of his life as their sound was harmonious as one. He was able to only focus on their sound and the way the reverberations of their music resonated in his heart, leaving his shrouding thoughts behind.

It felt like nothing had changed as it reset time.

It was only when the music stopped that Hokuto’s stomach twisted as he was shoved back into the present where in the idle moments, he couldn't keep his eyes from wandering.

Truly, Taiga was just as beautiful as before.

His skin was just as pale as it had been in the moonlight.

His eyes shined as they did with the images of stars.

His lips as delicate and smooth as they were when they curled into a smile after their duet.

And most of all, his hands.

Thin and graceful as they were when they sat and played together in that empty room, dancing over the worn keys as their shoulders almost touched.

The hands Hokuto had defiled and dirtied.

The hands that Hokuto still found beautiful in a moment most others would have had a different mind.

The hands Hokuto would remember every time someone else did the same to him as he tried so desperately to forget.

Hokuto couldn't forget.

When a loud rattle sounded behind him, Hokuto's heart nearly stopped.

It was reflex.

But not all reflexes were right.

Both of them turned to the small wooden table behind them, seeing the glowing phone that sounded on the counter.

They both reached for it.

Hokuto didn't even know if it was his.

He just knew he was ashamed that even beside Taiga, his mind had wandered to what was certainly the worst day of Taiga's life.

Hokuto's mind shut off as his body behaved like it thought it should, trying to cover for the shameful thoughts that filled his mind's eye, but the moment their fingers overlapped on the phone, Hokuto lurched his hand back.

Both the unfinished can of coffee and the phone fell to the ground with a thunk.

Hokuto cursed.

"Fuck- sorry–"

"It's okay. Hold on–"

Hokuto got on his knees, quickly grabbing the can, not knowing that Taiga had joined him as the phone continued to call for attention.

Taiga pressed a napkin into the stain as Hokuto threw away the drink.

God.

Hokuto wanted to cry.

He was such an idiot.

He was such a fucking idiot.

He was shamefully having a crisis on his own as Taiga didn't bother to spare another moment of his lifetime on him.

Taiga was the same as he ever was while Hokuto was falling apart at the seams.

Even just being this close to Taiga as they both stared at Taiga's phone between them made his heart race and ache all at once.

He was still hopelessly and endlessly in love with him as he was back then.

And when the missed call from Murata Myuuto flashed on Taiga's screen, Hokuto couldn't stop from driving the knife into his own side.

"... So…"

"... You're dating him?..."

Hokuto wasn't sure what voice he used when he spoke.

His head was full of cotton as his ears began to ring.

It hurt.

It was painful.

Taiga just grabbed his phone and shoved it into his bag.

"... I told you I'm seeing him."

Hokuto could only look up at him once Taiga's back was turned, but even then, Hokuto had to make himself turn away, using the coffee soaked napkins as an excuse.

"... Is he your first?"

"Boyfriend?... No."

Taiga sat back down at his piano.

"Can we–"

"How many?..."

"Matsumura–"

"Two? Three?"

"... Five… Let's just–"

"How many did you sleep with?"

The room went silent.

Out of all the silences they had shared, this was by far the worst.

Hokuto couldn't stop himself from asking.

Like some form of masochism, he wanted it to hurt more.

Maybe he had hoped that hearing Taiga's answer would help him move on.

Or maybe it was a sick possessiveness that he had no right to.

Taiga just stared at him as Hokuto's cowardice refused to let him look back.

If Taiga had the right to remove him from his life before, he certainly had a reason now.

Hokuto wouldn't even blame him.

When the horrid silence was broken, Taiga's voice boomed in his ear even at a whisper in the soundproofed room.

"... Why?..."

"... Why are you asking me this?..."

Hokuto clenched his teeth as he heard Taiga stand.

"... Do you think that just because you took my body first it gives you some kind of right?"

"No- I–”

No.

Of course, not.

It was just simply his intense jealousy of those who got to love him.

They only had sex.

There was no love.

The bite in Taiga's voice made Hokuto's chest throb.

"Then why are you asking??"

"What do you want to hear from me, Matsumura??"

"Kyomoto–!"

When Hokuto's back hit the wall, finally bringing them face to face, Taiga hated how his heart still yearned.

"Yes!! I slept with them!!"

"And do you know what??"

"Every single time I thought of you!!"

Even as Taiga gripped his fists into Hokuto's shirt, he couldn't help but still fall in love with him again.

"I kept imagining it was you!! I couldn't stop myself from dreaming it was you!!!"

"Their touch turned into yours, their heat was yours. Even their breath and voice was yours, I couldn't stand it!!"

"Nothing I did made you get out from my mind– I just couldn't—"

"All of it was you. Everything was you!!!"

"I couldn't even kiss them because I could only think how much I wanted it to be yours!!"

"I broke up with all of them because they weren't you even though I knew it would never be you!!!!"

"Every day, I loathe myself for still dreaming!!"

"I know you don't care!! I know you'll never care!!"

Taiga's eyes began to brim with hot tears as he hit his fist against Hokuto's chest.

"So don't show up in front of me and act like I ever mattered!!!"

A love at first sight was a hard one to kill.

Taiga had tried so desperately to forget, but after that night, Hokuto's touch was ingrained into his skin like a scar that ached. So often did he struggle to even look at his bare body in the mirror without thinking about what Hokuto saw that night, and how disgusting it must have been to hold another man.

But it didn't stop Taiga from dreaming.

He dreamed of if Hokuto had held him like he loved him. Where their hearts beat as one as they gently shared their most intimate parts of themselves and their souls.

He dreamed of telling him I love you.

Of Hokuto kissing him as he told him the same back.

But every time he woke up alone or with a different man in his bed, Taiga was thrown back into the reality of his life.

The one where his fondest memories were only distant glances and searing touches.

Taiga choked as Hokuto's shirt slipped in his grip, his tears falling from his eyes.

The silence was unbearable as he could only hear his ragged breath as he cried alone, his throat burning with his tears refusing to stop.

He could only think about how much he was a waste of air as a warmth touched his cheek.

Even as his head was raised to meet Hokuto's eyes, he could only think about how much he regretted ever falling in love.

And how he was sure to die still in love with Hokuto.

But still.

His eyes fluttered closed when Hokuto leaned forward.

Taiga could feel his tears escaping his lashes.

He could feel how they caught on Hokuto's thumb where his hand rested on his cheek.

The touch on his lips was so gentle, Taiga wasn't sure it happened.

When he opened his eyes, Hokuto was so close their noses bumped.

"What… what are you–..."

Taiga's voice was barely a breath before Hokuto pressed his lips to his again.

Taiga tried to back up, pull away, but Hokuto just followed until Taiga’s back hit the wall behind them. Hokuto didn't let their lips part even as Taiga shoved at his shoulders to make him stop.

Eventually Taiga had a chance to breathe, gasping his words.

“Matsumura–!! Stop-! Wait—”

But the only time he had were the seconds it took for Hokuto to tilt his head and take his lips again.

No.

This wasn't right.

Taiga had spent so much of his life trying to forget Hokuto, even though he never truly could.

Each day, he tried to burn more of his love with someone else’s skin. Every night, he tried to dream of Hokuto just a moment less when he slept.

Yet, all was reset with each kiss.

He was back to being that boy on the bleachers.

He was back to being that boy watching his crush sleep, wishing they were just a few feet closer.

Taiga dug his fingers into Hokuto’s shirt, the fabric tight in his fists as Hokuto kissed him again, drawing a desperate whimper from his throat.

The pushing stopped, but the tears didn't. There was a hitch in Taiga’s breath when they parted, letting Hokuto brush them from Taiga’s eyes.

Hokuto’s voice was as gentle as his thumb against his cheek.

“... Please don't cry anymore.”

“Please…”

How could he not?...

Hokuto’s kindness always made him want to cry because of how much he wanted it to be his own.

Hokuto kissed him until the tears stopped.

He kissed him until he was made clear.

Until it was clear that he loved him.

Until Taiga was pulling them down, his back sliding down the foam tiled walls as Hokuto’s hands on his hips seated him in his lap.

It was far overdue.

It was too far overdue.

For how long had they torn themselves up over this kiss?

Taiga had kept it for so long.

For so long Hokuto had wanted to take it.

It agonized them as they wondered what it was worth and if it was worth the heartache of pondering who would it go to and who would receive it, all for it to be resolved in a breath.

Had it always been so easy?... Or had their age allowed them to just let it all go?

Hokuto caught the soft flesh of Taiga's lips between his own as they shared their breath in a kiss that spoke a million words that should have been said so much earlier. He followed Taiga’s will, wrapping his arms tightly around his waist after Taiga had tugged at his shirt, wanting their body heat to be closer.

They only paused for a moment when Taiga pulled back to speak, only for him to tilt his head and lead Hokuto back into the slow smooth rhythm of their kiss as Taiga quietly muttered between them.

"We're at work…"

Hokuto bumped their top lips together, impatient to continue as he whispered, nearly desperate.

"... Just a bit longer…”

Taiga gave in to him as he let their lips meet again.

Because of course he did.

The years of ache in his chest were over this man.

If he could have him, he wasn't about to let go.

Even if it was only a delusion made by his yearning.

They kissed until their vacant hearts were filled to overflowing. They lost themselves to each other in the small private room until the passage of time stopped and all that mattered was the person in their arms.

It was only when the shift of Taiga's foot caused the cymbals of the drum to fall and clang loudly that made Taiga push Hokuto away.

They both stared at each other, breaths heaving after their hearts nearly jumped from their chests, only now seeing the mess that they had made in the other.

Their lips were swollen red and their hair were a mess. Taiga swallowed hard, pressing the back of his hands to his lips as Hokuto untangled them before threading his fingers through his hair to set it back in place.

Hokuto glanced at the clock, the only indication of the passing of time in the windowless room. "... I-I'm sorry… We only have twenty minutes left… Should we–?"

"I love you."

Hokuto knew. From all the words Taiga said with tears, he knew, but those three words still managed to make his heart light ablaze as Taiga whispered them from his rosy lips.

It felt like a dream.

It didn't feel real.

But even if it wasn't, Hokuto didn't hesitate to reply for the sake of living every second that he could have with him.

"I love you too."

"... So you're not dating him?"

Taiga shook his head as he stepped out of the building with Hokuto holding the door.

"I never said I was."

"But you said-"

"I said I was seeing him."

Hokuto watched Taiga's back, the door handle slipping from his hand before he quickly followed.

"Isn't that the same thing?"

"It depends on how you see it."

As they joined into the crowd of passing people, Hokuto kept his eyes on Taiga's profile as they walked.

Taiga's lips were still red, but not nearly as swollen as before.

Somehow when Taiga's gaze caught his for just a half second, Hokuto felt embarrassed, even after they had already exchanged each other's breaths for much longer than they should have in a company building.

"... I may have lied too."

"... Just to make myself feel better…"

If it weren't for the crowd, Hokuto would have never done it. He would have never been brave enough, but masked in the flow of moving bodies, he was able to reach out and hook his finger with only Taiga's small finger as he stood beside him.

His heart warmed when he felt Taiga’s finger curl into his in return.

“I… I always thought about y–”

Hokuto stumbled a bit when Taiga yanked on his hand.

“Don't say it.”

“Wh-”

“At this age, I can't stand having this kind of talk in public.”

Hokuto couldn't help but laugh a little, if not out of his regret.

They weren't young anymore.

So much time had passed since they were the fiery young adults who acted on whims and couldn't care less on who saw or who heard.

So much of their time had been wasted.

“Then when?”

“I don't know… Just somewhere more private,” Taiga said, pushing his glasses up his nose with his free hand.

“Maybe when you ask me to go out with you.”

As their feet stopped at the red pedestrian light, Hokuto could already feel the heat that was rising from his feet up to his head even in the cool weather.

He hadn't done a formal confession in years. For some reason, such straight forward words were more embarrassing than just kissing Taiga to tell him he loved him.

Hokuto rubbed his nose and his cheeks as if that would disguise the flush that grew over them.

“Isn't that even more juvenile than talking about our feelings in public?”

“I find direct and clear communication to be rather mature, actually.”

“But you already know–”

“I do.”

By impulse, Hokuto started to walk the direction he knew, the direction to the stop that would bring him home.

But Taiga’s was different as he let go of their small private shared intimacy to yank at the sleeve of his suit to pull him towards the opposite station.

“But I want to hear it anyway.”

Of course, Hokuto followed.

If he never had to leave Taiga’s side again, he wouldn't.

Not after the way they had kissed.

As they boarded the train, it almost felt like comedy as they sat with each other.

They used to force so much space between them, always needing a seat or a chair left empty between them to save their own hearts.

Now, Taiga’s shoulder was warm against his as they sat side by side.

Hokuto remembered when it had pressed into his chest before.

Taiga was so thin then.

But the maturity that filled in the empty spaces only made Taiga more sensual in his age along with the dark hair that bolded his delicate image.

If Hokuto hadn't been in love with him before, he wasn't sure how he wouldn't have been now.

“Can you stop staring?...”

Hokuto blinked, only just then realizing that they were at Taiga’s front door as the keys chimed in Taiga’s hand.

“It's making me feel self-conscious–”

“Oh-... Sorry-”

“Just go inside already.”

Hokuto almost tripped over himself as Taiga shoved him through the door, but he hardly had time to complain before arms wrapped around him with Taiga burying his face into his back.

“K-Kyomoto?...”

“... Won't you say it?...”

Taiga’s voice was soft as he muttered between Hokuto’s shoulders.

He was older.

Yet, his love was still from when he was still young.

A love he could never forget.

A love as immature as it was pure in the way it stayed unchanged.

Simply wanting.

Simply yearning.

His fingers dug into Hokuto’s shirt as his glasses bumped against the back of Hokuto’s collar.

“Won't you ask me?...”

They had already kissed. They had even exchanged the words Taiga never believed he would hear.

He just wanted to be sure with words that it was all real otherwise his mind would surely twist everything in ways to insist that it wasn't.

He spent too long doubting.

He didn't want to spend another day wondering what could have been.

Taiga’s hands loosened only once Hokuto unhooked them from his clothes to turn to him.

His eyes closed as Hokuto held his cheek.

“I don't want to see you cry anymore.”

Taiga didn't want to cry either.

He thought that after entering his thirties, the tears would have stopped.

But Hokuto just had that effect on him.

The warm kindness in his voice made his throat grow tight as he suddenly felt ten years younger.

He placed his hand over Hokuto’s, feeling the movement of his muscles as he wiped away the beginnings of tears.

“I don't want to make you cry anymore.”

“I just want to love you properly.”

“I want to love you the right way.”

Hokuto gently removed Taiga’s glasses so he could see every detail in the eyes that managed to steal his breath, even now as he stood vulnerable before him.

He knew Taiga was waiting, but somehow it still made every nerve in his body spark at its ends.

He loved him so much.

No amount of time would ever change that.

It could never change the way his heart was brimming and overflowing even though he already knew Taiga’s answer.

It made him bite at his lip as Taiga’s cool fingers traced over his.

“W-will–…”

“... Will you let me?...”

It didn't take another breath before Taiga was crashing his lips into his.

Taiga looped his arms around Hokuto’s neck, pulling him into their kiss as Hokuto wrapped him in his arms, leaving no space left between them.

The kiss was rushed, desperate, needy, as if they hadn't just kissed moments before, because now it was different.

There wasn't a shred of doubt left.

There was no more reason to wonder.

No more reason to dream.

He was there. His love was his.

Nothing else mattered.

Hokuto hurriedly rocked their lips together, barely giving Taiga a chance to breathe as he whispered between their kiss.

“Yes.”

“Please.”

“Hokuto, please–”

He inhaled deeply as he crushed their lips with each other again, his hands tugging and pulling at Taiga’s clothes as they explored his body.

Taiga buried his fingers into Hokuto’s hair as he pulled at his bottom lip between his own before sighing at the way Hokuto’s touch firmly gripped his hips.

They were adults.

“Hokuto–...”

Their eyes were half lidded as Taiga pressed slow rolling pecks into Hokuto’s lips.

There was no reason for them to not love like adults as well.

“Make love to me properly too.”

How many times had Hokuto seen this scene before him?

He could still remember how the early morning sunlight made the strands of the blonde hair glow like gold and how badly he wished to let the locks smooth between his fingers to have a view of his sleep.

It was different now. The light blonde was gone, replaced with a deep rich brunette that brought out the delicacy of his skin.

And of course, they were much older.

But it didn't change the way it made Hokuto’s heart skip.

He stayed quiet as he watched Taiga sleep, just as he had all those years ago with a distance between them that never seemed to close, though now, Hokuto laid beside him in the same bed after their night’s sins.

They had never been closer, but the sense of distance was hard to fade after it had been weighing on his chest for so long, imprinting on his heart.

Was this okay?

Could he love him even after all these years?

He was hesitant as he reached over, only brushing the pads of his fingers along Taiga’s jaw, not wanting to wake him.

He wanted to have this moment for just a bit longer. Just in case this would be the last time he saw this view again.

His fingers followed the line of Taiga’s jaw, pausing and raising for a second when Taiga stirred, but returning to cup his cheek as his sleep settled again.

His skin was warm and soft against his palm as he dared to brush his thumb over his pink lips he had certainly stared at too many times.

How was it that a delicate touch like this nearly made his heart burn brighter than their heated embrace the night before?

The colors of their hair mixed over the white pillow as Hokuto carefully leaned closer.

Perhaps it was simply because his heart had yearned for a touch like this for so much longer.

He kissed him, their lips just brushing as if they hadn't already shared their fair share of deeper kisses before. It felt good as it warmed Hokuto’s chest, but it was soon replaced by a shiver racing down his spine as words were whispered against his skin.

“... Morning.”

Hokuto quickly pulled away, retreating back to his side of the bed while he watched Taiga rub his eyes.

He was still half awake.

Taiga never was good with the early morning.

He guessed there were things years could never change.

“... I'm sorry.”

“Hmm?” Taiga hummed with a soft voice, his eyes struggling to stay open. “What for?...”

“I… I may have overstepped my boundaries, I–”

“It's okay…”

It became quiet between them, as it often did.

Neither of them could ever be sure if it was because of a lack of words or a lack of bravery to ever speak what couldn't be said back then.

But time had passed.

It was okay to be scared.

They were just too old to hide behind their fears anymore.

Hokuto watched the fluttering of Taiga’s eyes while he heard a shift from under the covers before feeling a small thin finger wrap around his.

Somehow, even the subtle touch felt so warm as Taiga pulled their hands to lay between them, their little fingers hooked together in a timid embrace.

“... Hokuto?...”

“Hm?...”

Taiga’s finger tightened around his.

“... Are… Are you sure you're okay with me?”

Hokuto’s tightened back.

“What do you mean–?”

Hokuto’s voice was still soft, but it didn't lack its urgency.

He didn't understand.

Were his feelings not clear? He wouldn't have pined for him for years if he wanted anyone else.

Was Taiga doubting his own feelings?

Taiga’s eyes finally opened, now awake, but his gaze didn't reach Hokuto’s.

“I'm still a man… You were never interested in men before–”

“I wasn't, but I know how I feel about you.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Kyomoto, I've thought about you for eig– for so long, I know what I feel.”

“What will your colleagues think?”

“I don't care what my colleagues think.”

“Your family?”

“I’ll convince them.”

“What if you change your mind–?”

“I won't.”

Hokuto interlocked their hands.

“... I won't.”

“... W-will you?” Hokuto asked.

Taiga blinked.

“No–”

“But you sounded so sure yesterday and now you seem so nervous. Are you already growing tired of me–?”

“No– Of course, not. I just—”

“Will you run away from me again?”

“No–!”

“A-are you sure you love me–?”

“Yes!!”

Hokuto nearly flinched when Taiga yanked his hand to himself, pressing their intertwined hands to his chest.

The comforter had covered Taiga’s shoulders and his face when he buried himself under it with Hokuto’s hand with him, not knowing Hokuto could feel his heart racing against it.

There was a breath of a moment where they didn't speak.

Time could only heal wounds so much and it was clear that their scars were deep. The days and years apart had only let them fester with doubt and self-loathing until the point that it no longer consumed them, but they remained to ache.

They wouldn't disappear overnight. Or even in a month or a year.

It took time.

But at least they had that time together, they hoped.

Hokuto let the comforter cover him as he joined Taiga beneath it, pulling him to his chest.

Their hands came untangled only so Hokuto could wrap him up in his arms while Taiga clung to his waist.

Taiga squeezed his eyes shut, burying himself under the curve of Hokuto’s neck as he muttered against his bare skin.

“I’ve been in love with you for so long…”

“I hate how I've been in love with you for so long…”

Hokuto thread his fingers into the back of Taiga’s hair, cradling him while he pressed his lips against his crown.

“I've always thought about you…”

“I don't think I’ll ever stop thinking of you…”

“I love you so much…”

Hokuto pulled down the covers just enough to set a kiss against Taiga's forehead before moving down to kiss the bridge of his nose.

“Do you believe me?...”

Taiga gave a small nod as Hokuto kissed his cheek.

“But kiss me again anyway…”

Hokuto worshipped every feature he had fallen in love with a kiss. His brow that creased so cutely. His cupid's bow that gave his lips it's charming shape. The light birthmark beside his nose that could only be seen up close.

It was only once Taiga raised his chin that their lips finally met.

Their kiss was soft and slow as they slowly savored each one with their sleepy morning. They were gentle and sweet, even as Taiga firmly pressed them together, leaving Hokuto sighing from his nose as it was drawn out and Taiga rolled him onto his back.

It wasn't long after Taiga straddled his waist that Hokuto was quickly reminded how undressed they were from the bare feeling he felt when he placed his hands on Taiga’s hips.

But it didn't keep him from smoothing his fingers up Taiga’s smooth back, letting the comforter slip down from over his naked shoulders.

“Kyomoto…” Hokuto said quietly as Taiga kissed the beauty marks on his lips, feeling the slow roll of his hips into him. “Can I ask something?...”

Taiga gave an affirming hum against his jaw.

“... Yesterday, you said you didn't kiss the men you dated…”

“Mhm.”

“Was… Was I your first kiss?...”

Hokuto’s eyes fluttered for a moment when Taiga pushed back, his dark hair hanging over him with the morning light on his skin.

He swore his heart was racing as Taiga tucked his hair behind his ear and reached to him to cup his hand along the side of his neck.

“... You were.”

Hokuto wasn't sure whether he wanted to be excited or upset.

It was something he had wanted to have and believed he had lost so long ago he didn't even consider the thought before he had kissed him.

If he hadn't been so caught up in his feelings and the sight of Taiga’s tears, maybe he would have been more mindful to treat it more preciously.

“I… I wish I had been a bit more graceful had I known.”

Taiga shook his head.

“It's okay. I always dreamt it'd be yours.”

Taiga let out a huff through his nose from feeling the way Hokuto’s fingers squeezed around his thighs.

“You took some of my other firsts in less than graceful ways too…”

Hokuto frowned a little at the mention of their old mistakes, watching Taiga as he leaned back over him to bump their noses.

“I'm sorry… I’ve always regretted how I hurt you…”

“It's alright… Yesterday made up for a lot of it.”

They shared a slow heavy breath with another roll of Taiga’s hips while their lips grew closer to meet.

“You have all the time to make up for the rest too.”

They were barely a breath apart before they kissed, but the loud sound of crashing objects hitting the floor made Taiga shoot upright in his bed.

Taiga couldn't exactly see who it was that stood at the doorway without his glasses, but the blur of bronzy skin and moppy hair was enough to give him enough clues to figure it out.

“S-Shintaro??? What are you— Wait– Fuck–!!!”

Hokuto watched Taiga squint in pain after accidentally grabbing and wearing his pair of glasses before quickly replacing them with his own.

Shintaro was long gone from the bedroom door, with the bags of groceries left behind, but Taiga still untangled himself from Hokuto to try to catch him.

“I guess we have more than just us to give some explanations to,” Hokuto said, getting up with him to at least make himself decent.

“Seems—” Taiga pulled down his shirt over his head, “- so.”

He hurriedly pulled a shirt from his drawer, shoving it in Hokuto’s arms before taking out a pair of shorts for himself. “I'll go talk to him first. You don't have to come out if you don't want to. Just take your time and get dressed and I’ll–”

Taiga was ready to run out the door, but Hokuto caught his hand.

Time was running out.

Shintaro was surely nearly out the front door.

But still. Even though it was only a moment, Taiga was glad he stayed with Hokuto for just that second more.

“I don't want to be anywhere that's not beside you.”

Shintaro was so much the same as he was different.

He had a dark tan with a mess of hair that had grown long. He was different in the way that he felt older, more mature and reliable than the energetic college student he once was, but he was so much the same as he was still the same Shintaro that Hokuto had known before in the way he held himself and the way he showed his heart on his sleeve.

Hokuto remembered his last conversation wasn’t exactly a pleasant one. He had left him with more questions than answers and Shintaro truly had every reason to hate him.

Yet, they just talked.

Shintaro just waited patiently as Taiga explained what happened before apologizing.

Hokuto hadn't said anything to Shintaro back then, but neither did Taiga. Shintaro gave him his full support without questions, of course, but he had deserved to, at least, know why he couldn't see all of his friends together anymore.

Hokuto apologized as well, lowering his head to his youngest friend for not saying anything then and still not saying much now. Neither he or Taiga wanted to give the details on how or why they hurt each other, but it was enough for Shintaro to understand.

Eight years was a long time to let bad feelings stew, but eight years was also a long time to allow big problems to become small.

It helped that Taiga was beside him, asking Shintaro to forgive him as well.

Had Hokuto asked by himself for Shintaro to excuse him for all the crying and the pain he gave the person Shintaro loved and protected like a brother, Hokuto wasn't so sure he would have had such kind words for him.

But with Taiga at his side, Shintaro just sighed, toeing off his shoes he had shoved on his feet previously to make a quick escape.

“Just promise me one thing, Hokuto,” Shintaro asked, taking the bag of groceries Taiga had picked up from his hands.

Hokuto nodded. “Yeah, sure. Of course. Anything.”

“Promise me you’ll come to Kochi’s bar tonight.”

When Hokuto followed in the bar behind Taiga and Shintaro, Kochi looked as if he didn't know whether he wanted to laugh or cry.

He just stood there, wide-eyed with his mouth agape, before shutting it quickly to settle the tab he was in the middle of closing.

As soon as he was free, he came to them, to the table that still had six saved chairs, though all six hadn't been filled at once in so long.

He made quick glances at Taiga before coming to Hokuto with his smile that never changed. It was the same smile he had back in middle school when they laughed at the same jokes, though it had grown in warmth and the way it comforted his heart.

“So. Hokuto,” Kochi laughed.

“Can I offer you a drink?”

Hokuto couldn't help but smile back.

“Sure.”

“I'd love a drink.”

He had missed the calming feeling of his smile.

He was just glad he hadn't forgotten it as Kochi went off, but not before leaving him with a tight squeeze on his shoulder and a warm “welcome back”.

It wasn't long before Jesse arrived with whiskey, a white wine, a glass of beer and the same amount of shock Kochi had when he saw Hokuto walk in through the door.

He and Jesse had dinner together not that long ago, but Jesse looked at him like he hadn't seen him ages as he gave him his beer. He had everything to say, though none of it left his mouth except for his timeless laugh and pat on Hokuto’s back before Kochi called him back, asking him to serve the next order.

Hokuto could later hear Jesse telling the other patrons that they would be closing early as he watched Taiga and Shintaro lean over Shintaro’s phone, sending a text to the man who burst through the door only fifteen minutes later.

Juri still had his work suit and his briefcase when he came stumbling over to the table, panting heavily as he stared at the three sitting before him.

“K-Kyomo?...”

Although Shintaro and Juri still talked and Hokuto and him saw each other often,it had been forever since Juri and Taiga did more than trade a few texts.

He was almost in disbelief seeing the scene before him. It was as if he had entered some sort of time flux that sent him back years when he came through the door.

But Taiga just waved his hand, motioning him to sit before pushing his glass of wine to his friend which Juri gladly took.

“It's good to see you, Juri.”

Juri couldn't take his eyes off of him as he nudged his toe against Hokuto’s shin to which Hokuto just shoved back before Shintaro chimed his cup against the wine glass with a smile.

“Drink up, Juri! Let's have some fun tonight!”

Hokuto knew Juri had a demanding job in production that often kept him late. The only reason why he was able to arrive so shortly must have been because he had been still in the city, working away. He surely still had work tomorrow, but he kicked the drink back, swallowing what was left of the wine before giving a big sigh with a smile.

“Sure!”

“Let's have fun!”

They drank and they talked as the night grew late.

The bar slowly emptied until only the six of them remained, sitting and chatting at the table that hadn't had its six seats all filled in so long. It had been a long time, though it felt like no time had passed at all. There was much to catch up on, but, somehow, so little to learn.

Everyone was exactly as they were before.

Only just a little bit older.

“You don't drink beer anymore?” Juri asked, once watching Taiga pour himself another glass from the bottle of wine Kochi brought to their table.

Taiga shook his head as he took a sip. “No, I still drink beer. I’ve just come to like the taste of wine more.”

“Maturing, aren't we?”

“It's just called developing a palette, Juri.”

At the other end of the table, Kochi was replacing the cup of brandy in Jesse’s hand with a cup of water as Jesse expressed his regrets with rosy cheeks. “I'm so sorry, Hokuto… I would have told you earlier if I didn't think it would make you upset,” he said, leaning into the table. “I really hated lying to you about Kochi and I but I—”

“It’s okay, Jesse,” Hokuto laughed.

“I've already known that you two have been dating for a long time.”

They laughed and drank merrily through the night, though before when they were young, they cared little for the person they would be the next morning, while in their adulthood, they made sure to keep to their limits, but not without keeping some room for a little fun.

It was truly harmonious when it was all six of them. It was never the same when there were only just two or three. Each of them brought their own melody to the sextet of personalities, making it a perfect refrain.

“Is this what you wanted?”

Shintaro grinned at Taiga’s question, his crooked smile showing his teeth as it always did.

“This is exactly what I wanted.”

It became late and the sun had set long ago. The alcohol in their stomachs brought a sleepiness, signaling their time to return home, but not without the comfort of knowing that their symphony would be heard soon again as they said their goodbyes.

“Does Jesse live with you now?” Hokuto saw Jesse follow close behind Kochi after he locked up the bar and went to the door that lead to the stairs of his flat.

“No, it's still too small for two people, but I let him squeeze in every so often,” Kochi sighed, letting the sleepy Jesse anchor his weight against his shoulder. “Otherwise, I stay at his place.”

Hokuto huffed a small laugh as he helped Kochi open the door. “I thought I sensed a bit of your presence in his home… It was starting to become easier to find things.”

“That was indeed me,” Kochi chuckled. “I'm surprised you could tell.”

“Well. We are friends, aren't we?”

Kochi’s eyes softened as he smiled.

“... Come back soon, okay?... And bring Taiga with you.”

Hokuto smiled too.

“I will.”

When Hokuto turned back to the other three, Shintaro was chatting loudly with Taiga and Juri, their laughter echoing in the empty street.

“This guy seriously didn't know what he was doing!”

“It was my first time,” Taiga retorted, pushing away the finger Shintaro pointed at him. “How was I supposed to know you needed to remove the scales first!”

“Juri, he kept swearing that he can cook now, but he still tried to remove the scales of the fish I gave him afterhe filleted it. Isn't that insane?”

Juri laughed, crossing his arms with his briefcase in hand. “I mean, I can't say I even know how to fillet a fish, but I think I could figure out that the scales come off first.”

“Right?? That's what I mean! He’s in his thirties now and I thought he could handle it!”

Taiga rolled his eyes. “I swear I'm a lot better now!! I can manage to cook for myself! Really!”

“You still called me over to do it for you, though!”

“You're still the same boy who needed me to make your instant yakisoba, huh?” Juri chuckled, nudging his shoulder into Taiga’s side. “Maybe it's a good thing I came over when that guy started talking to you.”

“No, I really could have handled—”

“What guy?...”

Shintaro and Juri traded glances when Hokuto joined the conversation before they both gave him big smiles.

“Don't worry about it, Hokuto,” Juri said, giving him a pat on his back. “Go home and rest easy, okay? Have a good night!”

He waved and started heading towards his train with Shintaro quickly following after. “I'll come over again soon, Kyomo! My mom has some fruit she wants to give to you!”

“Ah! Okay!” Taiga called back.

“Night!!”

Shintaro gave them both a big wave of his hand before catching up with Juri, both of their voices plenty loud even as they grew further in the distance until the two of them were left alone in silence.

Again.

But somehow the silence between them had become comfortable and familiar to them like an old friend as their eyes met with their cheeks blushed from their drinks.

Taiga started to walk towards their station.

Hokuto followed.

“... So…” Hokuto said softly, breaking the quiet of the night.

“Hm?”

“Who is this guy Juri was talking about?

Taiga chuckled a little.

“It's no one. It's just a guy that tried to talk to me before the bar cleared out.”

“I thought you didn't really talk to strangers at the bar.”

“I didn't used to. But after what happened between us I started to… you know…”

It went quiet for a moment as Hokuto looked over to him, seeing Taiga staring down at his feet.

“... So what did he ask?”

“He asked if I'd go home with him, what else do you think he'd ask?”

“Well– what did you say?”

“I said I was taken.”

When Taiga stopped walking, Hokuto only made it a couple paces past him before he turned to face him.

Taiga’s eyes were as beautiful as they had been before in the way they were clear and bright.

They didn't need the universe’s stars to reflect in them for Hokuto to see the world.

Just the simple street lamps were enough.

“... It is okay for me to say that I'm taken… Right?...”

He must have looked like an idiot, just nodding quietly without any other words to say. Perhaps it was because the reality of his present was still so hard to believe.

Taiga was taken.

Taken by him.

“Can… Can I come over again tomorrow?...”

Hokuto wasn't sure why he felt so nervous. They had already done so much more physically than what was said in words but sometimes words were so much harder to say than to summarize it all with a kiss.

He watched as Taiga stepped forward, closing the few paces of distance between them before he pulled Hokuto’s bag off his shoulder and briskly walked past him.

He stayed frozen, watching Taiga’s back before hurriedly catching up with him.

“K-Kyomoto? What are you–” Hokuto stammered, walking quickly to keep up.

“Move in with me.”

Hokuto stammered. It wasn't that he wanted to say no, it just felt a little too brash to carelessly say yes.

“Wh– W-Well starting when??”

“Tonight.”

“Tonight??? Kyomoto, I'm already wearing your clothes and all my things are at home—”

“I'll get them with you tomorrow.”

“I have rent… I can't just—”

“But you can.”

“Not responsibly! Kyomoto, I–”

Hokuto tried to grab his bag from under Taiga’s arm, but the other yanked it out of his reach.

“Call me Taiga first.”

“T–... Taiga. Please give it back to me now.”

“No.”

“Taiga! Come on, stop acting like a child–!”

“I don't want to!”

Taiga spun around to him with the bag held tightly behind his back, stopping Hokuto in his tracks before him.

They weren't young anymore.

They weren't the brash young adults that ran on their feelings and ignored the consequences of their words, knowing that they would be forgiven for their age.

But Taiga had lost the youth of his romance to the years of time.

No one would blame him for acting childish one last time.

“I don't want to be without you anymore.”

“I don't want to sleep without you anymore.”

“I don't want to wake up without you anymore.”

“Hokuto, I—”

“Okay.”

This time, Taiga didn't pull away when Hokuto reached behind him, taking his bag from his grip.

He just watched as Hokuto grew close enough for the white whips of his breath in the evening air to touch his lips when he repeated his words again.

“Okay.”

“I'll move in.”

Taiga spoke in a soft whisper, his eyes lowering as Hokuto’s hand smoothed down his arm.

“Tonight?”

“Mhm. Tonight.”

“Now?”

“Now.”

They could never get back the time they had lost.

Time wouldn't rewind to let them correct the mistakes they had made.

They could spend the rest of their lives always wondering.

Could all of this have been different if other words had been said?

Could all of this time have been saved if something else had been done?

Would have everything changed if something else had happened that horrible night?

They could ask, but they would never know and in the end, did it really matter?

Maybe if they had been a little less stubborn and a little more open with each other, they could have loved one another sooner.

Hokuto could have taken Taiga’s kiss sooner.

Taiga could have slept in his arms sooner.

They could always regret their mistakes and wallow over what could have changed had they just said something different that night.

But they had already lost eight years.

They didn't want to waste another second wondering what could have been.

Hokuto didn't want to think of where they were when he leaned in.

Taiga didn't want to care who saw them when he pulled Hokuto close.

All they wanted was each other's love.

To be their smile.

To hear their laugh.

To be in their life’s song.

For all the time they had left to give.

Once they got on their train and got off at their stop after sitting next to each other, because they were indeed together, Taiga caught up with Hokuto to climb the stairs of their station.

“I forgot that we have work together next week,” he said, trying to defuse the flustering of his heart he was much too old for from just taking the hand Hokuto held out for him behind him.

Hokuto sighed as he fixed his glasses on his nose, walking towards what he could call their home. “Don't remind me.”

Their shoulders bumped when they reached the top step, Taiga making large strides to end up at Hokuto’s side. “What? Do you not want to work with me?”

“That's not it. It's just work in general...”

Taiga smiled to himself. “We really became adults, haven't we?”

“Unfortunately…”

Taiga could feel Hokuto’s hand squeeze his.

“Um… Do you still sing?...”

He blinked.

“Uh… Sometimes… Only when I'm alone.”

“Can I hear it again sometime?... I-It can be for work or for whatever—”

So Hokuto could still get embarrassed over these kinds of things…

Hokuto felt his heart skip a beat when he heard Taiga’s gentle airy laugh beside him. It was amazing just how much he missed the sound of it.

“Yeah, sure. Will you write it for me?”

“It's been a long time since I've composed a full song… It might take a while.”

“That's okay,” Taiga smiled as he unlocked the door to their apartment and pulled Hokuto inside.

“I've waited my whole life for you.”

Hokuto wasn't sure why it only hit him then.

Who it was that was always on Taiga’s mind.

Who it was that he had been in love with since forever.

He wasn't sure whether he was more embarrassed or more elated as he stumbled into the entryway, but it didn't change how scooped Taiga up into his arms.

Their feet and legs tangled, making them trip over the raised step and spill to the floor with Hokuto over Taiga. Even though they would have bruises and aches to show for it tomorrow, Taiga only laughed as Hokuto buried his face into the layers of Taiga’s clothes, hiding the flush burning on his cheeks.

Taiga was right.

Direct and clear communication was the mature thing to do, because they sure as hell didn't do that when they were younger.

“I'm sorry I kept you waiting for so long…”

When Taiga cupped his cheek, Hokuto followed, bringing their eyes to meet.

“It's okay…”

Their glasses clattered gently against the hardwood floor after Taiga had removed them from their noses. He left them discarded for the moment beside them as Taiga wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close.

He kissed him, not worrying what the day would bring him tomorrow as Hokuto kissed him back for only one of the many they would surely share in their days to come.

As long as they were together, Taiga had time for anything.

“I’ll wait forever now that I'm with you.”