A Veil In the Name of Love (Too Much, Too Late)

“Happy birthday!” 

Tanaka Juri looked away from his screen mid-game to read the text message that lit up his phone screen. He had nearly forgotten it was the night before his birthday-–his 20th birthday, making him a fully legal adult. 

Juri picked up his phone, forfeiting his game to dial back the person who sent the text message. 

“Hello?”

“I didn’t think you’d stay up late enough to say Happy Birthday.” Juri teased, knowing he’d get a reaction out of his friend, who was now also officially his bandmate. 

There was a short silence from the other end, “I’m confused. I stay up every year.” Hokuto snapped back. 

Juri chuckled, “I know.” He paused, “Thank you.” 

“Any big adult goals?” He asked, but Juri didn’t feel like he sounded genuinely curious. 

“Not really. What about you? Your birthday is in three days too.” 

Matsumura Hokuto was practically his twin, younger than Juri by exactly three days. Juri had casually asked, for the sake of small talk, not expecting an answer, but Hokuto had something in mind. 

“Let’s go get drunk together.” 

“Are you serious?” Frankly, it was out of character for Hokuto, but Juri was always game. 

“Yeah.” Hokuto replied, his single word answer weighing heavy and even Juri could feel it. 

*

*

*

Hokuto’s birthday fell on a Thursday, so even though they went out with a group of friends, most of them left early. To be specific, they were all Juri’s hometown friends and at their age, most of them were in university or had work early in the morning. 

By the time bar hopping concluded, it was just the two birthday boys remaining. There was half an hour left on their karaoke room, but after a night of drinking, Hokuto was tired, so he simply sat there waiting for the time to run out, cheeks flushed pink from the many lemon sours and tequila shots. 

“Your turn.” Juri finished screaming into the mic, cleared his throat and took a sip from his drink.

Hokuto was slouched in a corner of the karaoke booth, only picking up his mic because Juri cued him. He began to sing, but stopped mid-verse and happily stumbled over to Juri’s side of the room. 

Surprised, he slid over as Hokuto approached the seat next to him. He brought what remained of his drink with him and gently clanked it on Juri’s glass. 

“Happy birthday.” Hokuto grinned, but Juri looked at him suspiciously. Hokuto was acting so strange. He’d been this way all night. And Juri really couldn’t tell if that was just the type of drunk he was. 

“How many drinks have you had tonight?”

Hokuto giggled, “Five.” 

At least he knew that much. Juri had never seen Hokuto drink before. His lack of tolerance adds up. 

With a sudden burst of energy, Hokuto shot up as the song ended. He held the microphone up and tapped it a few times before putting it to his lips, “Tanaka Juri.” He pointed to the only other person in the room.

Juri should feel more secondhand embarrassment, but it was cute to see Hokuto let loose. 

“I’m glad to be in SixTONES with you!” Hokuto suddenly announced. 

Juri couldn’t hold in his laughter much longer. It was Hokuto being drunk that was hilarious, but moreover it was a sense of relief. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel the years of pressure build-up released in the moment they received a group name. And maybe swiftly announcing it only meant more imminent trouble for them, but Juri felt good about it. Like maybe they were finally on the right path again. Before he could fathom another thought, Hokuto slid down next to Juri again. The song list had ended, the room filled with only the echo of the buzz of the sound system.

“Hey Juri,” 

“Hm?”

“I actually…I decided something else today.” Hokuto fought for his eyes to stay open, “...since it’s my birthday...”

He breathed loudly, his head heavy falling onto Juri’s shoulder, “Since we’re all…in a group together now. SixTONES, I mean.” 

Juri looked at Hokuto who seemed very drunk all of a sudden. 

“I like Jesse.” 

He exhaled, his breath slurred, drunk and sad. 

“I’ve… always liked Jesse.” 

Hokuto smiled bitterly, his eyes refusing to open and if it weren’t for how drunk he felt, he knew it’d overflow with tears. 

“But it’s time I put those feelings away.” His voice strained against his best efforts to fight back tears. 

Juri didn’t reply. He wasn’t surprised — Hokuto spent years right besides Jesse, just the two of them— he just wished he knew sooner. 

Maybe then Hokuto didn’t have to suffer so much by himself. 

The next morning Hokuto called Juri complaining about his bitching headache, but Juri only laughed at his misery. Just as he was about to hang up, Juri uncharacteristically asked Hokuto if he wanted to meet up before work the following day. He was puzzled, but agreed nonetheless. 

What Hokuto hadn’t anticipated was that Juri would ask to meet up before work every single day they worked together for the next three months. Finally, one late autumn morning Hokuto asked about it. 

“So when are you planning to tell me what’s up with this?” 

Juri was bundled in a parka already despite the early autumn season, his hat low and mask over his face to hide his perpetually sleep deprived face, “What?”

“You tell me.” Hokuto replied, “Why are we always heading into work together now. This cannot possibly be on the way from Chiba.” 

“Don’t worry about it.” Juri said nonchalantly while replying to messages on his phone. 

Hokuto didn’t know what else he could say, so for now he let it go. It was suspicious, but it didn’t affect him any. In fact, it actually helped Juri be on time more often, so he was doing a good deed if anything. 

Juri smiled under his mask because unbeknownst to Hokuto, the more time he spent with Hokuto, the less he could have with Jesse. It was a simple, almost brutal–yet effective way of helping Hokuto with putting his feelings away. He knew about their morning habits, the way Hokuto would bring breakfast to Jesse to commute in with him. 

Jesse was a habit, a poisonous one Hokuto was trying to break and his confession the night of his birthday was a cry for help. Juri thought so, anyway. So he took it upon himself to offer a hand. 

Jesse would always come straight from karate practice to dance practice.

Most days he’d be on the verge of being late, running into the bathroom in a hurry to change out of his karate uniform and into more comfortable dance practice attire. By the time he arrived at the studio, all the kids were already talking to each other. He’d smile at the ones he knew, the kids who came often. But when it came to actually striking a conversation, he’d always back away. 

What if they already forgot who he was? 

Jesse stretched in a corner by himself, mustering up the courage to approach the group he was paired with last week, but by the time courage came to him, the instructor began lessons. 

Better luck next time. He didn’t know if he believed it, he just knew he would try again tomorrow.

It had been three years since Jesse had been coming to dance lessons. In fact, he was senior to many of the kids despite being only thirteen. But maybe it was his shy nature — he wasn’t adjusting as well as he thought he would. Having played soccer briefly then practicing karate for years, Jesse imagined he would be a better dancer, but even with extra practice he was average at best. 

Once lessons ended everyone was dismissed and they’d all hurried to their notepads to take notes of the dance steps. Not only would they be quizzed on them later, there was the added pressure to not mess up on stage in performance. 

Next to Jesse’s belongings sat a boy he’d never seen at practice before. 

He was alone too. 

Jesse observed from across the room while pretending to look at his own reflection in the mirror. He knew he had to get his stuff eventually and he’d have to walk over, so Jesse licked his bottom lip nervously, as he decided he’d approach the boy. 

Once he made up his mind, he beelined for his target this time. Moving his bag onto his own lap, Jesse took a seat next to the new boy.

“I like your tracksuit.” Jesse said to make conversation and because he genuinely liked it.

It was a bold red color, and it would’ve been hard to miss in the class, but he must’ve been at the back of the classroom since he was new. 

The boy smiled nervously, tipping his head slightly, “Thank you very much.” He used formal language, and with a slight accent. Jesse couldn’t pinpoint where, but all he remembered was thinking that the boy had a cute smile. 

“I’m Lewis Jesse.” 

“Nice to meet you, Lewis-kun.” He formally replied. 

Jesse laughed, catching the boy by surprise. His laugh was light but contagious. Nobody called him Lewis-kun around there. 

“Just Jesse is fine.” Jesse smiled back, his eyes creasing into a friendly curve. 

“Jesse?” The boy was puzzled. 

He was brand new, so naturally anyone would be his senior. Between frantically remembering dance steps and constantly minding his manners, he was a nervous wreck most days.

But not around Jesse. He was the first person here to make him feel this way. 

Jesse. He repeated that name in his head. Such a cool name. 

“I’m Matsumura Hokuto. Nice to meet you.” 

Hokuto made one of his first friends in class. Strictly speaking Jesse was his senior by a few years, but the younger boy never let Hokuto feel any gap between them. Once they started talking, he always noticed Jesse whenever he ran into the classroom in a hurry. Even with a pile of clothes in his arms, Jesse always waved to Hokuto on the way to the bathroom. Whenever class was dismissed for independent practicing, Hokuto always scooted right next to Jesse and they’d compare dance notes. 

At that age, they truly believed maybe that was how it would be forever. 

One day Hokuto didn’t show up to the usual dance practice. Jesse scanned the entire room but no red track suit in sight. He had half a mind on Hokuto’s whereabouts during the lesson, and when it was over, Jesse noticed the rest of his group mates gathered around the notice board. Everyone was checking their places at the next concert, but there was something different. 

Jesse noticed there was a section for a group called B.I. Shadow and underneath was a new name. 

Matsumura Hokuto was on that roster. 

It wasn’t hard to put one and one together. Jesse realized Hokuto now had to attend practice with his new group members, yet he couldn’t help feeling a small sadness linger in his heart as he gathered his belongings to leave with Juri that night. He was happy for Hokuto; he only wished he had gotten his contact information during the previous lesson. Jesse wanted to congratulate Hokuto for officially being part of an actual junior group. He knew Juri was close to the boy named Kikuchi, and he was sure Hokuto was in great hands. Who wouldn’t love a boy with such a cute smile? 

But Jesse never found another opportunity to talk to Hokuto after that. He was always watching Hokuto from rows behind on stage, and in his imagination Hokuto would be shining bright under the spotlight. Jesse noticed as he got better at dancing. He noticed as he grew visibly closer to his group mates. He noticed as he became more and more comfortable on stage. 

He was a self-proclaimed Hokuto supporter, but never told anyone even as he grew closer to his own group mate Tanaka Juri, because the boy in the red tracksuit was a special memory only for him to keep. 

As time went on, the boy in the red tracksuit slowly faded into the background of his memory. Maybe because growing up is a painful process, he had no time to focus on anyone else except himself. There were times Jesse wanted to quit. It didn’t feel fair, the injustice he faced in this world but he knew he couldn’t just give up.  Between discrimination, setbacks, and a growing gap between him and Hokuto, sometimes Jesse did reminisce the simple days and from time to time, he’d think about how his friend was doing.

Hokuto will always remember the day he clumsily bumped into Kyomoto Taiga, and like the way every love story he read unfolded, he seemed to quite literally fall in love with an attainable star. 

His first love, someone so perfectly wonderful. Someone who swept him off his feet and took his mind off of his dreams for the first time in his life. His very own Kyomoto Taiga-senpai. 

It was by a strange coincidence that they met, then by more fateful encounters that they ended up dating. Neither of them knew much about love, but both of them thought the other to be perfectly what they were looking for. Like somehow they were so different, yet so similar that it never took much more than a few glances to understand each other. 

Although it was a public secret that the two were dating, somehow they thought they could avoid scrutiny by showing up to set separately. The year had barely begun, the winter still lingering in its chilly morning air when filming began. In the beginning, all the filming was for pair and individual scenes. Naturally, since it was Hokuto’s first time acting, he had no idea what to expect. Luckily he had been paired with Shintaro, who had plenty of acting experience. But unluckily, Hokuto was terrified of offending the Morimoto Shintaro, who had a reputation for being a strict senior amongst the kids. 

Hokuto would whine over the phone every night to Taiga that he was scared, only for Taiga to again and again reassure that Shintaro was just a punk who took himself too seriously. If he dared scold his boyfriend, Taiga vowed he would personally kick Shintaro’s ass. Hokuto laughed, wondering how he ended up dating the only person on Earth Morimoto Shintaro was scared of. He was grateful, seeing as Taiga was the thing that him and Shintaro had in common. Filming gradually got easier, as every anecdote Shintaro told about Taiga helped them get closer.

One early spring morning, Hokuto arrived first onto set. When he returned from changing into costume, Shintaro arrived. 

“Morning!” Shintaro was energetic even given the early morning.

“You’re in a good mood.”  Hokuto commented, fixing his hair in the dressing room mirror. 

“The rest of the cast is coming in today. Juri and them.” 

Hokuto nodded, “I heard.” Naturally Taiga had informed Hokuto the week prior of their overlapping schedule. 

“Do you know the other kids?” 

Hokuto thought about the question for a moment, “More or less.” It was a plethora of mixed feelings, mainly about the boy he more or less wanted to avoid. 

He couldn’t believe it at first. He didn’t want to admit it, not even to himself that he was put together with the boy named Kochi Yugo again. He was a good kid, and it wasn’t his fault, but Hokuto could only be afraid that it’ll end the same again, that he’d be left behind again. 

Just like last time. 

Before he could give it another thought, the door slid open and a boy slipped in. 

“Good morning.” His voice was quiet, “Am I interrupting…” He politely asked, looking into the room. 

Hokuto had been absentmindedly fixing his hair during his conversation with Shintaro. Normally given his low seniority, he would’ve turned around to greet just about anyone who walked through the door, but admittedly he was surprised by the person who walked in. 

A lock of hair still in hand, Hokuto froze momentarily realizing he remembered why the name Lewis Jesse seemed familiar when he saw it on the call sheet but he couldn’t pinpoint it. Everything came back to him, as he looked at the boy through the reflection in the bright dressing room mirror. 

Before Kyomoto Taiga, before B.I. Shadow, before everything there was once a very nice boy who approached him all those years ago at dance practice. The one who had a big smile and natural ashy brown locks that he was envious of. The boy who laughed when he tried to call him Lewis-kun. 

Jesse. 

Years had gone by and while they had seen each other in passing, it was like everything froze in the moment they last saw each other in practice all those years ago. Hokuto smiled and hurriedly bowed to show his respect for the senpai . 

“Hokuto.” Jesse raised his eyebrow in question for a moment, then his face broke into a smile, “Hokuto right?” 

“Yes!” Hokuto’s response surprised Shintaro, who knew Jesse – but didn’t know Hokuto also knew Jesse. It even sounded like they were friends from a long time ago. 

“Wow! It’s been so long!” Jesse was beaming with happiness, while pretending to be reminded of Hokuto and their encounter back then. Somewhere deep down he was afraid Hokuto had forgotten about their encounter back then.

Hokuto smiled back, and he noticed that just like back then when he talked Jesse always shyly hid his expression behind his hand or he would let his head hang low, smiling while his ears involuntarily turning pink. This Jesse was the same, but so different. 

He couldn’t peel his eyes away from Jesse, even as he walked away into the changing room. He was almost certain that Jesse was taller than him now, and it was as if Jesse grew into his mature stature too fast that he was still struggling to adjust to the way he walked, the way he laughed, and the way his voice sounded when he spoke, still squeaky but at the verge of breaking into adulthood. 

Hokuto couldn’t help but feel like Jesse turned into a man from a boy before his eyes. 

It was hard to imagine. He didn’t even see Kyomoto Taiga as much of a man as this Jesse. Hokuto was deeply guilty of the attraction, and unbeknownst to anyone else he spent the rest of that summer shaming that feeling away. 

When Jesse turned around to walk away, he tried to remember everything he wanted to tell Hokuto during this time apart. And maybe he could have if he reached out between every time they passed each other backstage and in between practice groups, but just like that day back then he couldn’t find the courage to.

Jesse had long wanted to congratulate him for finding a group, but it seemed now too late seeing the fate of B.I. Shadow. He wanted to tell Hokuto that his dancing had improved, but he didn’t want to expose how closely he observed Hokuto from rows and rows behind him all these years. He wanted to tell Hokuto that he wished he stayed in contact with him back then, but now with years in between them, Jesse couldn’t find a reason to bring any of that up now. 

Jesse knew he’d see Hokuto again here. And for that alone he’s looked forward to it for a long, long time. Even Kochi could feel it. Before gathering here, Jesse and Kochi had filmed all their scenes together. 

“Hokuto is going to be there, you know.” Jesse said to Kochi out of the blue one day. Kochi looked towards Jesse in surprise. Being shy never stopped Jesse from being straightforward with Kochi. 

“Hokuto, huh?” Kochi chuckled, but his mixed expression showed a hint of sadness, “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like me.” It wasn’t hard to imagine there wasn’t a small bout of bitterness between the two who were left behind. Kochi was well-adjusted since he never even wanted to walk down this path, but he could only imagine how Hokuto felt. 

A sympathetic arm wrapped around his shoulders, Kochi looked up and saw Jesse’s goofy face. 

“Hokuto’s not that kind of person.” Jesse smiled. Not his cute boy in the red tracksuit. 

First loves that blossom like the spring cherries wilt with the fall foliage. 

Or so Hokuto remembered writing down in his journal the night he broke up with Taiga. He could never forget that winter night, four days before New Years Eve. Even though Taiga was the one who said he wanted to end things, Hokuto couldn’t find sufficient reason to keep him either. And maybe he always felt like the relationship had been out of balance like that. Like he was never good enough for Taiga. Who was he to stop Kyomoto Taiga from finding something better? 

“I can’t kiss you on New Years Eve, knowing that I want to end this relationship.” Taiga admitted, hoping Hokuto would understand. 

Hokuto only wanted to know why, but Taiga couldn’t give a reason. They were young, and it was hard to accept that sometimes even adults will simply fall out of love. 

But Hokuto never said no to Taiga. This time was no exception. And even though he had to see Taiga in work settings all the time, he never once tried to prevent his leaving. 

He wished he could say he didn’t cry during that heartbreak, but that was simply not true. 

Hokuto found himself hiding backstage, crying after everyone left, for no reason other than being worn out after a day of pretending like his heart didn’t wince every time he glanced at Taiga. 

But it was Jesse who found him. 

Jesse stood with a backpack slung over his shoulder, earphones wrapped around an iPod hanging out of his pants pocket, wearing a sweaty white tank top like he was ready to walk out into the January night just like that. 

“Hokuto?” Jesse asked, puzzled, “I thought you left with the others…what are you…” 

Hokuto turned his head away, hoping the lack of lights in the corner next to all the sound equipment boxes could conceal his tear streaked face. 

Jesse walked closer, and by Hokuto’s silence, it was obvious something was not right. He set his bag down and sat down on the floor right beside Hokuto. He knew he walked in on something private, but he was already there. He wasn’t the type to back away. Not that he could, but he had never been good at consoling people. Jesse awkwardly scratched the tip of his nose trying to figure out what to do in-between the sound of Hokuto quietly sniffling and the silent air. 

He grabbed his bag and pulled out a tissue and handed it to Hokuto without a word. Hokuto looked over at the other boy’s face for the first time when he took the tissue from his hand. But looking at his face made him want to cry even harder. And this time he couldn’t hold back an ugly cry. 

“It’s okay…nobody is here besides us.” Jesse said as he handed one tissue after another, until he put the whole pack on Hokuto’s lap. 

Jesse had only experience consoling his sister crying, and usually he just had to make funny faces and the eight year old would eventually laugh at his goofy antics. Clearly this wouldn’t work with Hokuto, so Jesse was in square one again until he remembered his iPod in his pocket. He quickly unraveled the cords and found his favorite playlist. Something not too sad. Something a bit warm. Something that made his heart peaceful every time he was anxious. 

He gently placed one earphone into Hokuto’s ear and the other one in his before turning his back to Hokuto. Jesse was sure Hokuto wouldn’t want him to see his crying face, or else he wouldn’t secretly cry in the dark after everyone left. The best thing he could do now was simply be there, Jesse thought. 

The two sat there back to back sharing a set of earphones for what must have been twenty songs before Hokuto grew tired. He pulled his earphone out, slowly turning around, embarrassed to face Jesse at the end of his episode only to find Jesse asleep hugging his backpack, his head leaning against the bag. 

Hokuto smiled. After all that crying, seeing Jesse fast asleep like a baby somehow he felt healed. 

Many, many years later Hokuto realized that was the first time he thought of Jesse like the ray of sunlight that shone into his life, parting every cloud–finding him, healing him.

*

*

*

Jesse noticed in the weeks after that night, Hokuto seemed different. It was strange. In the months they spent together filming the previous year, Hokuto always seemed distant. Jesse never knew why, whether it was because he was always with Kochi or whether it was because Hokuto’s eyes seemed glued on Taiga. 

Jesse would always look at Hokuto out of habit, a small peek here and there – but this time he met Hokuto’s eyes. Then Hokuto smiled at him. 

The first time surprised him. Must have been a coincidence. 

Then it happened again and again. Every time he tested his observation it came back positive and something stirred inside of Jesse. He couldn’t explain the way his stomach went gravity-less and his steps felt lighter when his mind thought of how Hokuto’s eyes met his. 

Gradually, Jesse not only met Hokuto’s eyes, he began winking and making funny faces each time their eyes met in the middle of dance practice, causing Hokuto to try to stifle a laughter. 

Maybe it was simply that the two saw each other more than anyone else. Between performances and practices, they got to know each other very well. They too quickly learned that pair dances weren’t like the other dances, and there were a lot of interactions that required them to have a certain level of chemistry, synchronization, and sometimes even a level of comfort with the lack of distance between them. 

In the beginning, they could only clumsily bump into each other, embarrassed every time they had to meet eyes in the middle of the practice room, until gradually they grew to trust each other, becoming more and more familiar with each other's bodies.

Jesse was always ecstatic each time he got to perform his favorite Kinki Kids songs, and Hokuto saw it in his eyes and in his words. Jesse’s happiness was contagious, and he couldn’t tell if he was especially susceptible to it. Hokuto nodded along as he listened to Jesse talk about Kimi wa Karma, about how it was on the H album that came out nearly ten years ago, and how that makes the album as old as his sister was, which was weird for him to think about. 

That day, everyone finished up rehearsing for the group performances, leaving just Jesse and Hokuto alone in the practice room as the evening hours rolled in. The two had an additional performance for the next Shounen Club recording and they were told that morning the choreography changed since the last time they performed it. 

Kimi wa Karma.

The two gathered around a small screen to watch the video their instructor prepared. Once they took note of the changes in the dance, they immediately got to work. One on each side, Jesse slid to Hokuto’s side and Hokuto changed positions to the other side, pretending to hold a microphone and lip synced to his solo lines, with a little extra flair here and there. Then they swapped places and Jesse did the same. Both were getting into characters, unlike when their other friends were around. Hokuto got on one knee, then pivoted to the other side until he was on the ground, hands gingerly in the air slowly caressing the nothing in front of him as Jesse sang his lines. At the end of that sequence, Hokuto held out his hand to wait for Jesse to pull him up. He knew this would be where the camera would pan to their locked hands, but while he was distracted Jesse jerked him upwards and one misstep later, Hokuto had instead stumbled into Jesse. 

“S-sorry.” 

More accurately, Hokuto tripped over his own feet and Jesse’s reflexes had been fast enough to catch him. 

“Are you okay?” Jesse’s hand was still holding Hokuto’s and his other hand had been relieved of the fake hand mics they were pretending to be holding. 

Hokuto quickly realized he was still pressed up against Jesse and pulled back immediately. 

“Yeah. Let’s start from the top again.” Hokuto cleared his throat, trying to shake off the embarrassment yet couldn’t help but wonder if he imagined how fast Jesse’s heart was beating when he caught him. 

Adrenaline? 

Jesse only nodded and walked off to restart the music, unbeknownst to Hokuto that his ears were burning red too.

What’s the matter? 

Jesse couldn’t understand why the sudden embarrassment. It wasn’t like he wasn’t familiar with this kind of skinship with Hokuto. They could lean into each other in front of hundreds of audience members, yet this was different. This felt intimate, and it caught both of them off-guard. 

Luckily, this was their only slip up for the night. The following round and the next time after that went smoothly enough for them to have enough progress to report to the teachers the next morning. The air quickly returned to its original serious but playful mood. 

“Hokuto?” 

At the end of the night, the two decided to call it quits on practice and sat against the wall in the practice room catching up on water before heading out. This was the norm, but it was also Hokuto’s favorite time with Jesse. 

“Hm?” 

“What was dating Taiga like?” 

Maybe to Hokuto it was out of the blue. But since seeing them together and then apart, Jesse had always wondered. The weird flutter he felt in his stomach when Hokuto bumped into him reminded him of this question he had. 

What is love like? 

Normally Hokuto would question the question itself, but it was Jesse. Whether he knew it or not, Jesse always had seemingly random thoughts. 

Hokuto replied, “It was beautiful. But painful.” He looked down at his water bottle, watching as he tilted it from side to side and the water rushed from one side to another. 

“You love him?” Jesse asked. 

“Hm…loved.” Hokuto corrected, he wouldn’t trade that love for anything. But he also was glad it was behind him now. 

“Did you kiss him?” 

Hokuto turned to look at Jesse this time. He didn’t expect to know where Jesse was going with these questions, but he also expected to see Jesse joking. He wasn’t. Jesse’s question was genuine. And it was naive, almost too pure for his age–and to Hokuto, maybe that was Jesse’s biggest charm. 

“I did.” 

Jesse bit his bottom lip lightly, as though he pondered Hokuto’s answer. Then he moved closer by a few inches until they were sitting side by side, and in the empty classroom even the smallest movement echoed throughout. Then Jesse leaned in, awkwardly tilting his head to one side as he did. Hokuto closed his eyes. 

With the slightest touch, his lip softly met Hokuto’s, just barely at first – but then he lingered and pressed in before parting. 

“Like this?” Jesse asked again, looking Hokuto straight in the eyes and even though Jesse never intended it, his poker face made it impossible for Hokuto to read what was happening between them. 

Hokuto nodded, slightly in a daze. Jesse kissed him. 

And he wanted more. 

The air froze, thoughts ran thousands of miles at once yet time seemed to move in slow motion. Jesse hadn’t expected there to be a warm feeling in his stomach, and finally he backed up. He felt both of his hands shake after he finally did the thing he wanted to do. It was impulsive, but it felt good. 

“Jesse?” 

He looked over at Hokuto, who swiftly closed the gap between them again and this time, Jesse was taken off guard. Hokuto leaned in and kissed Jesse on the lips, but it was a different kind of kiss. He felt blood rushing through his body at a loss, and the taste of Hokuto was oddly sweet. A little salty. Jesse wondered what he tasted like, as Hokuto savored on his lips and their breathing grew heavy. His ears were burning and his hand ended up in Hokuto’s hair, holding onto him trying to keep up with everything.

Finally Hokuto was the one who pulled away, still panting while their foreheads pressed together, he tried to collect himself. 

“We should…uh, head home or something.” 

Jesse was still catching up. His first kiss. His head emptied from this strange new emotion he unlocked that night. He wasn’t sure what he had gotten himself caught up in, and along with all the excitement was a rising fear. He hated that he felt that. He pushed it down, and further down. 

That night, Hokuto figured something out.

He was only older by one year, but in young teenage years, one year made all the difference. Hokuto knew love. Hokuto loved Taiga, afterall. 

That night, Hokuto figured something out.

I like you, Jesse. I like you. So much. 

Too much. 

SixTONES 

The moment Jesse took a gamble on what little they had and everything he had and told the world their group name was “six tones” was a moment every single one of them would always remember. 

They finally belong somewhere. They finally belonged together. They knew that, too — but to say it out loud. Jesse said it out loud, without anyone’s approval yet with all the courage in the world. He risked it all, like a large strong hand reaching the five of them huddled at the bottom of a pit and pulling them out. 

“Six Tones” evolved into “SixTONES”, and while everyone held immense gratitude for Jesse from the bottom of their hearts, only Hokuto knew he felt a lot more than just gratitude. For him, it was never about gratitude. He wanted more, but he didn’t dare wish for more. 

It was his secret. Just like the kiss Jesse never spoke of and Hokuto never asked about. 

He didn’t blame anyone. Even when Juri learned Hokuto’s secret, he understood how it happened. How it was so natural, and he reaffirmed that ultimately Hokuto was making the correct decision. With time, Hokuto believed it all got buried at the bottom of his heart, in the name of youth.

*

*

*

“I heard Jesse went on a date today.” Juri said to Hokuto while leaving the office together, “He’s been going on a lot of dates.” 

“He’s good as long as he doesn’t get caught–” Hokuto paused and looked at Juri puzzled, “And that’s coming from someone like you? Can you even count how many dates you've been on this year?” 

Juri smiled, and Hokuto felt like he had walked into some kind of trap. Juri had been testing to see how he would react to Jesse, something that he did from time to time when they were alone and Hokuto would get really annoyed every time he did. He hated that Juri treated him like a child who can’t manage himself. 

Hokuto thought he made it clear to Juri that even when he was roommates with Jesse during the Shounentachi tour, he could withstand all the flirting Jesse did. Whether Jesse knew he was flirting or not was a different issue. But between all the anecdotes they told on stage with genuine smiles of enjoyment, Juri could tell Hokuto was lying to himself, even if it was only a little bit. Somehow, Jesse always managed to unintentionally riddle his heart with confusion. 

Maybe things would be different if they talked about the kiss. 

Maybe things would be different if they didn’t hold out for two years. 

Then SixTONES formed. 

Hokuto decided to face the truth. 

Shortly after their birthday celebration, Juri did manage to confront Hokuto about it once. He needed to know–what was so bad and so wrong about telling Jesse his feelings? 

Hokuto smiled, learning the difference between him and Juri. 

“Maybe if I say this, it’ll sound selfish.” Hokuto said, seeming like he’s long prepared this answer, “But when I met Jesse, he was someone who could be only mine.” 

Then he looked down because no matter how many times he’s said this in his head, it hurt out loud nonetheless.

“But Jesse today is someone who belongs to everyone.” 

“That’s bullshit. You know that right?” Juri was serious, but Hokuto laughed. It was a sort of bitter chuckle, but he admitted it too. 

“I know,” Hokuto replied, “It’s fear. My fear that Jesse can love everyone at once, yet no one at once. He’s just that kind of person. He’s wonderful, but towards that kind of person, I have no confidence in myself.” 

Juri hated how he understood what Hokuto meant. He also knows that for Hokuto it was all or nothing. 

“Moreover, if we date and break up, I know Jesse will be okay. But me…”

Hokuto paused, “Well, I already have one ex in this group. And that’s plenty for me to deal with.” 

The way Hokuto framed it sounded like he put a lot of thoughts into it. Determination, too. But Juri still sighed, because he couldn’t help but wonder if it was really not meant to be then. 

*

*

* 

Jesse was pessimistic by nature, no matter how optimistic he pretended to be. Likewise, he was excited for all his dates, but like all the other ones he felt it was unlikely that he’d find what he was ultimately searching for. Kochi always found it weird that Jesse was going on so many dates all the time. Truthfully he simply didn’t seem like the type, but since the last time Jesse drunk kissed him Kochi knew to keep his mouth shut. It was only for a few seconds, but it was enough to get Kochi to not ever want that experience again. He hoped to never be in the presence of the drunk kissing monster.

But that was with exceptions. 

January 22, 2020 was a special day to the six of them. Not only a milestone, but a landmark in their decade long career. In typical SixTONES fashion, the six of them plus six sets of parents had dinner together in celebration, and immediately following was a celebration with all of their current staff as well as new staff who would be working closely with them at Sony in their upcoming debut. 

Normally, they’d get a private room at a nice restaurant, but Sony had been gracious enough to lend them a nice banquet hall at their headquarters to host the party. When the six of them showed up, everyone celebrated the group with confetti, champagne, and the whole nine yards. It wasn’t long before the lively celebration got the best of everyone, drinking one more drink than normal. 

Jesse even felt the need to have a drink with each one of the team of Youtube staff that helped them make this possible, in order to thank them for everything. The others were likewise, but not nearly as capable of executing the thought. 

Late into the night, some of the staff members slowly began to excuse themselves to head home. Everyone else had found a comfortable spot, chatting in the small group that remained. Juri stepped out for a smoke break and Kochi tagged along to let the cold air sober him up.

Jesse’s eyes had been glued to Hokuto all night. 

It was so strange that even he couldn’t explain himself. He prayed he was subtle enough that no one noticed; he prayed no one would confront him about it because truthfully even he didn’t know when and where it began. 

Someday sometime ago, Jesse began to wonder if he approached everything wrong, like he had been looking to the sky to reach for the stars when in reality what he wanted had been next to him this entire time – sleeping next to him, eating next to him, looking right at him, waiting right beside him. 

When Jesse noticed Hokuto missing from his seat for a while, he quietly went to search for him. He tried the bathroom down the hall, but with no success so he wandered further down the hall until he saw the bathroom lights on in another set of restrooms around the corner. 

Hokuto knew he wasn’t strong with alcohol, and he was the type of drunk to fall asleep. He knew he needed to stay awake so he stumbled to the first bathroom he saw to splash water on his face. Maybe his judgment wasn’t the best after a few drinks, seeing as he completely missed the nearest restrooms and took a long detour to find the one he ended up in. 

He took a few deep breaths in front of the mirror after washing his face, but upon pushing open the door, Jesse standing there waiting for him startled him. 

“Jesse.” 

“You okay?” Jesse asked out of concern knowing how Hokuto was with alcohol. If not for the fact that Hokuto had locked the door and he could hear the sound of water running, he would’ve gone in to check on him. 

“Yeah.” Hokuto nodded, even though the drinks were sufficiently showing on his face even after some cold water. 

Jesse walked straight up to Hokuto, and with the back of his hand he touched Hokuto’s face. 

“Not as warm as it looks.” 

Hokuto was surprised; he thought he had developed a sort of immunity for Jesse’s touch, but maybe it wasn’t the case when his guards were down. 

“I just splashed it with cold water…” He muttered, unsure if it was the dim hallway and the two being alone that suddenly caused him to feel embarrassed at the skinship. 

Jesse wasn’t sure what had gotten into him either. He was not a messy drunk, but this atmosphere triggered a memory he had forgotten for so long. Between the equipment lined against the hallway and the lack of lighting, Jesse smiled at a memory. 

“Hokuto, do you remember that night I found you crying?” His hand was still on Hokuto’s cheek, and frankly Jesse’s cool hand felt good on his face. 

Hokuto looked up at Jesse, “You remember that?” 

“Of course I do.” Jesse replied, and recalling that memory gave him a realization. 

“I think that was the beginning of us.” Jesse continued, and Hokuto isn’t quite sure what he meant by that. He studied Jesse’s expression, and even though he was less than sober, he looked sad, like he had something he wanted to say but he was reluctant. 

A face that Hokuto was weak towards. 

“I remember that time as the first time you saved me.” When Hokuto said that, he immediately realized he was wrong. The first time was in the dance lessons room practically a lifetime ago when he first joined. 

But Hokuto knew Jesse didn’t truly hear what he was saying. Something was on his mind. His expression showed he was contemplating something else. That much Hokuto knew.

“Hokuto…”

“Hm?” 

Jesse’s hand traveled from his cheek to his shoulder, with a light push and just a few strides forward with his long legs, Hokuto’s back was pressed to the hallway wall. Even then, Jesse continued to close the gap between them. Hokuto could even feel his warm breath dancing on his skin. 

“Jesse?” 

“I need to confirm something.” Jesse breathed, “Is that okay?” 

But before Hokuto could verbally utter a response, Jesse took his silence for a yes. He leaned in, tilting his head to a side and his lips crashed into Hokuto’s, intertwining with passion and desire. His hand held Hokuto’s face, a firm grip yet his kiss was laced with a ginger touch, a sudden softness like he was trying his best to stay gentle, to proceed with caution, too afraid to break Hokuto. 

Jesse remembered Hokuto tasted surprisingly sweet, a little bit salty and he remembered the confusion, not knowing what he felt in the moment he kissed Hokuto seven years ago. 

But now he knew.

All these years later, he found that Hokuto still tasted sweet. He tasted like the fruity beer he liked, and a bit like the salty pretzels he snacked on. Jesse had this new but deep desire to know all of Hokuto’s tastes. 

Jesse finally pulled away, leaving Hokuto’s lips lingering, wanting more of this moment he could never have dreamed of having. Out of breath and drunk on the kiss, Jesse collapsed in against Hokuto who he had pinned against the wall. Hokuto could feel his warmth on his ear and the smell of alcohol mixed with the smell of Jesse. His head leaned against the wall behind them, panting both because he was tipsy and because his heart was beating too fast. The cool sensation of the wall against his cheek couldn’t even affect this drunken clarity he felt. 

Hokuto could feel Jesse’s racing heart pressed against his and he didn’t dare move an inch. 

Jesse smiled. Hokuto couldn’t see. It was a smile of both triumph and defeat, both of the impending doom he brought upon himself and the clarity of everything he had been long confused about. 

“Shit.” 

Jesse kissed everyone in the world trying to replicate the feeling Hokuto gave him. 

He thought it was the kiss. He thought wrong. 

It was Hokuto. 

I like you, Hokuto. So much.

Too late. 

They couldn’t have debuted at a worse time. With their debut tour postponed then indefinitely canceled, debut activities came to a wrap when the world got swept up in a global pandemic with no end in sight. 

More than a decade and this was what was waiting for them at the end of that path. But at last they finally made it there no less.

The first half of the year felt like an eternity, until slowly their activities resumed closer to normal standards. The group members started to see each other more, but still largely in work settings only. 

Jesse thought about that drunken kiss from time to time. The night he confirmed everything he had been feeling. But too much time had passed and he had no way of bringing it up to Hokuto anymore. He wasn’t even sure Hokuto remembered it, if he was being honest. Stuck between not wanting to confide in anyone and desperately wanting to express his feelings, Jesse got stuck for a lot longer than he cared to admit. 

For the camera, the two acted like they always have, whether it was with each other or with the other members. Together with Juri, the three of them were the fanservice “gemini trio” as the fans called them. With the members, Jesse had always been all hands. His primary love language was physical touch, and naturally that didn’t change with Hokuto. In the past, it might have even affected Hokuto, but now Jesse was the confused one. 

Every time he put his arms around Hokuto, even if it was for a few brief moments, deep down Jesse wished he got some kind of reaction out of Hokuto. Every time his arm brushed against Hokuto’s, every time he hugged him, were moments of confusion for Jesse. He wasn’t sure if he should be anticipating anything, yet he did. He wanted Hokuto to feel the way he did. But maybe he had been expecting too much all along.

Towards the end of the year, by the team’s nomination Hokuto and Jesse were paired together to attend GQ’s award ceremony alone. Jesse joked around as usual, knowing that Hokuto was there to be serious for the both of them. When the interview segment came around, all the attendees had gotten in line to answer questions. 

“Who in SixTONES would be your hero?” The reporter asked the line up of talents. 

Without hesitation, Hokuto gave an answer at a speed that could only mean he truly felt this way.

“Jesse.”

The person in question hadn’t expected such an answer, and to hide his surprise his coping mechanism had always been to joke around. He changed the topic abruptly with an irrelevant question, hoping to hide his surprise at Hokuto’s answer. 

But the reporter still asked Hokuto to elaborate, “He always worried for others with little consideration for himself and his own worries. This kind of Jesse makes me want to protect him.” The heartfelt answer left the reporter short for words, and Jesse with a newfound confusion. 

Has Hokuto always thought this? 

He knew everyone revered him as some kind of savior, but it was never said out loud in front of other people. But perhaps the happiness was deep because it was coming from Hokuto personally. When that night was over, Jesse realized he wasn’t as brave as he thought he was. He thought after confirming he liked Hokuto, all should have been smooth-sailing, but upon debut and prioritizing his career, suddenly he didn’t know what he wanted with Hokuto.

Jesse liked Hokuto. But so what? Would Hokuto even want to date within the group anymore? Everyone saw the stiff air that only recently began to de-ice between him and Taiga. Who was he to cause an even bigger shift in dynamic? 

While on the surface, Jesse continued business as usual but preparing for the new album and into tour season, he began to deliberately distance himself from Hokuto. It was slowly approaching a year since that last kiss, and Jesse was hopeless to stop allowing it to affect him if he didn’t put some distance between them. 

Maybe the feeling will fade, he thought. 

But Hokuto noticed. 

At first Hokuto convinced himself that it had been by coincidence that Jesse had always used the dressing rooms opposite his time. Then on stage, he realized Jesse always traveled to the opposite side of him. The four others watched as these two played a silent tug of war when Hokuto decided during one show that he would simply stalk Jesse until he turned around and looked at him. 

Hokuto could accept that Jesse treated him like everyone else. His feelings weren’t nearly as strong as they were years ago. But what he couldn’t stand was losing Jesse entirely. And at this rate, that was the direction they were headed. He couldn’t understand what was going on inside Jesse’s head. 

Gradually, Jesse’s determination wore thin and he abandoned his strategy. 

He couldn’t avoid Hokuto for the rest of their lives, not when every movement and every look from Hokuto reminded him of how much he truly wanted him. And for Jesse to hold back, he was slowly becoming unlike himself. One night after work and several beers later, Jesse terminated his silent effort to block out Hokuto. 

He wanted to express his love, his affection, and let the world know just how cute his Hokuto was. And that was simply who Jesse was. 

Jesse was done hesitating. He wanted to begin his pursuit, officially.

*

*

*

“Hokuto.” Jesse flipped his white board over and it was the only name written on it, “Hokuto, he seriously confessed to me.” 

The six sat down for the talk segment for an episode of Shounen Club, and when prompted, Jesse brought up Hokuto. 

Embarrassed, Hokuto laughed it off as Jesse being Jesse and saying things that didn’t make any sense for the sake of acting dumb. It was ironic when he thought about how much more affected he would’ve been a long time ago. 

The other members started to react dramatically for the camera, asking Jesse to elaborate all at once. 

“When was this?” Juri asked.

Jesse replied with the most serious face, “In my dream.” 

He described, “When it was just the two of us in the dressing room, in my dream, Hokuto came up to me and said he really liked me. And I said wait–”

“Because he’s one of our members?” Juri quickly added. Knowing a semblance of the history between these two, he hoped to quickly diffuse the conversation, until Shintaro added that dreams are often the opposite of reality. 

Although no one reacted strongly since they were all trained for the camera, Jesse kept thinking about Shintaro’s words for the rest of the day. He wholeheartedly wondered how much he must think about Hokuto during the day for him to dream about it too. 

Hokuto had begun to waver too. 

Nothing shook the foundations of the seal he put on his feelings for Jesse more than the direct pursuit of Jesse himself. Hokuto thought about it while tossing in bed one night, how sly Jesse was – for how much he pursued him on camera, in front of fans, using the name of fanservice. Jesse held Hokuto in his arms, he kissed his hair, he did everything that reminded Hokuto of the kisses that they never talked about. While Jesse’s behavior on-camera mirrored his attitude off-camera, Hokuto still didn’t know how he should interpret it. Hokuto admits that he was the first to use the camera to disguise his true intentions and he had long reciprocated everything Jesse did on camera, always expressing how much he adored Jesse. But Jesse? 

He couldn’t reconcile how Jesse could suddenly wake up to feelings after ten years. Hokuto wasn’t made of rocks. His heart is soft, yet the person he loved from boy to man loving him back seemed too good to be true.

There was only one person who saw through both sides. Tanaka Juri could tell. And maybe he should have set them up to finally talk about it in the open, but he didn’t know what place he had to intervene. They were two people who pretended to act out in front of the camera, hiding behind the name of fanservice while unabashedly expressing their true feelings. Juri couldn’t be a hypocrite, knowing he would do the same thing given he was in their shoes. 

But Jesse was not like Hokuto. It was only a matter of time before Jesse broke through to Hokuto, and the reality was that nobody knew what that could mean for the group, their dynamic, and their futures. 

Just as Juri predicted, once Jesse sorted out his own feelings, he made it abundantly clear to Hokuto that he was in love with him. Jesse never took the group’s future lightly, but he also never backed down again from his own feelings for Hokuto. 

“I like you, Hokuto.” The first time Hokuto heard those words, it felt like he was dreaming. If eighteen year old Hokuto heard those words, twenty year old him wouldn’t have decided to close the door on a love that ended before it could even begin. 

“I like Hokuto, after all.” Jesse said again, when answering questions for a magazine interview with all the members present. Naturally, the magazine cut and trimmed whatever they needed for the theme of the issue, but Jesse’s confessions became commonplace. Maybe saying it often cheapened the value, but Jesse didn’t see it that way. 

Growing up his parents always said “I love you” to each other no matter how late or early it was. Expression of love was something Jesse needed, and it was as easy as breathing for him. 

Hokuto would be lying if he said he didn’t waver more, but it was in a conversation with Taiga ironically that he realized something. 

“Jesse said he likes you.” Taiga said, uncharacteristically taking a seat next to Hokuto in the waiting area. 

Taiga let out a low chuckle of defeat, “Again.” he emphasized, realizing this was somehow the norm now. 

Hokuto looked at Taiga, then looked down between his hands smiling, “Jesse likes everyone.” 

Hokuto continued, “He could like me today and like you tomorrow.” 

But Taiga wasn’t having it, “You and I both know what he means.” Taiga said, “Look, I don’t know what happened between you two and whether as a friend or your ex, I have no business knowing.” 

He simply wanted Hokuto to face Jesse and most importantly he wanted Hokuto to think of himself more. Taiga could tell Hokuto’s eyes never leave Jesse. 

Because that’s how he used to look at him too. 

“Hokuto, in a perfect world whether you date Jesse or not is your business only. You could keep this status quo forever if you two wanted. But we can’t live in a strange ambiguity watching you two pretend for the camera day in and day out. It’s tiring.” 

Hokuto heard Taiga, and understood exactly what he was pointing out. His words seemed mean, but they were warm. And somehow they made him nostalgic for the days where loving was simple. 

“Thank you.” was what he wanted to say, but nostalgia overtook his emotions and he could only express how he missed the old days. 

“I miss when loving and dating was free and there was only one right answer when you liked someone,” Hokuto reminisced

“It can still be.” Taiga said, hoping Hokuto knew that as much as dating within the group felt ill-advised, his happiness still came first and foremost. 

Hokuto shook his head, wearing a crooked bitter smile, “I no longer have the courage for such a thing.” 

Taiga nodded in understanding. 

“Can you believe it? Even a person’s courage to pursue love is finite.” Hokuto was sensitive by nature, but Taiga could see where he was coming from. He was the one who broke his heart first after all. 

He stood up and patted Hokuto on the back before heading out, “At least turn Jesse down. That guy doesn’t know when to stop.” 

Hokuto nodded, but it was easier said than done. 

He could never turn Jesse down. 

*

*

*

By late summer, Jesse grew busy with his musical Standing Ovation, and he barely had any time to even eat between promotion and shows, let alone additional wandering thoughts. All this work put an immense strain on his voice, especially as he constantly used a voice that was unfamiliar to his usual range. He felt the condition of his vocals turn for the worse and the stress only made him even more vulnerable. 

For the sake of the rest of the tour, Jesse took an extra day off, pushing his entire schedule back by one day. When Hokuto found out, he instinctively became worried. It took everything in him to resist visiting Jesse at his house, but at the end of the day he still found himself on Jesse’s doorsteps empty-handed. He rubbed his hands together nervously. Hokuto had no idea why he was nervous; it was Jesse. He never needed a reason to come hang out with Jesse. 

He picked up his phone and dialed the familiar number. 

“Hokuto?” Jesse sounded just as Hokuto imagined. 

“Jesse, I’m at your door. Can you open up?” Hokuto could hear the patter of footsteps grow louder. 

“What are you doing here?” Despite the condition of Jesse’s voice, there was less surprise but more happiness coming from him and God if that smile didn’t strike Hokuto’s softest spot. 

Hokuto lingered for a moment, unsure what to say since he didn’t even know how he convinced himself to come. 

At Hokuto’s silence, Jesse ushered him inside, his mood brightened by the sudden company. 

“I heard you took a sick day, so I just came to check on you.” Hokuto finally said. What was so hard about that? 

Jesse came back to the living room where Hokuto was with two glasses of water, “Oh, that’s why you came?” He sat down on the other end of the couch, “I’m fine.” 

Hokuto could tell he was in good spirits despite sounding like he was a chainsmoker of twenty years. 

He thanked Jesse for the water, and they made small talk for a while until Hokuto said he was going to head out soon. The last thing Jesse needed was to talk non-stop on the day he should be resting his throat. 

He had gotten up to leave despite Jesse’s insistence that he should stay longer, but Hokuto had made it only halfway to the front door before he was met with Jesse’s resistance again. 

A tug on his sleeve, but it felt more like a tug on his heart. 

“Can’t you stay longer?” Jesse’s voice had regressed into a whisper, as though promising Hokuto if he stayed he would take care of his voice. 

Hokuto hesitated and in-between the silence, this time Jesse wrapped Hokuto into an embrace from behind. His warmth was intoxicating. 

“I won’t ask about why you seem to distance yourself from me as soon as cameras turn off.” Jesse’s words breathed onto the skin on his neck, his face nuzzled in the nape of Hokuto’s neck. Jesse knew everything, he saw everything Hokuto was doing and that in itself made Hokuto feel guilty about hurting Jesse. 

“I won’t ask about anything. Please, I won’t say anything.” Hokuto felt his heart wince at the tone of Jesse’s plea. He didn’t know why Jesse so desperately needed him to stay, but he knew one thing and that was Jesse Lewis was especially talented in acting like everything was okay. 

Hokuto wasn’t sure why he wanted to cry. 

He didn’t know why it seemed as though the sun suddenly set on his eternal sunshine. 

All Jesse wanted was him. Matsumura Hokuto. 

“Okay.” 

Hokuto uttered. 

“I’ll stay with you.” 

All Jesse wanted was Hokuto’s undivided love, even if for one night. 

*

*

*

Hokuto almost didn’t make it out of that house that night, but he knew if he stayed the night things could only get more complicated. Not many words were spoken all night. As they leaned against one another watching movie after movie, the feelings of both sides only became crystal clear. Hokuto couldn’t remember the last time it felt like this, honest like the old days. No concealment, no lying for the sake of professionalism–just two people who always wanted each other. 

Hokuto didn’t know what he should make of the night he spent with Jesse. 

No matter how much his heart fluttered, trying to drag him into the pit–like a moth to a flame, Hokuto hesitated. His rational mind told him he didn’t have the emotional capital for it this time. He couldn’t risk the permanent damage it would cause if Jesse didn’t equate to forever. 

He wondered if Jesse was fearless or he had simply never gotten hurt by the thorns of love. 

That Jesse didn’t know that a stab to the chest would probably hurt less than a heartbreak. . 

*

*

*

Jesse spent the next few days on cloud nine, feeling like he had finally cracked the great wall that was Matsumura Hokuto’s heart. The joy seemed to overflow so much that when he arrived on set to work with Juri, the latter immediately asked if something good happened. Juri assumed he had some kind of breakthrough with his musical, but Jesse only asked Juri a question in return.

“What does a person do when it seems that the person they like likes them back too?”

Juri was surprised at Jesse’s question, but knew this day was bound to come soon. 

He asked Jesse, “Did Hokuto say that he likes you?” 

Jesse shook his head, thinking about the right way to explain it, until he realized Juri had seen right through him.

“You know I like Hokuto?”

“You say it every day.”

“It’s fanservice.” 

“Jesse, I’ve known you since you were 12.” Juri sat down next to Jesse who was straddled backwards on a chair, his chin propped on his fists balancing on the edge of the seat. 

“So do you think he likes me back?” Jesse followed, feeling relieved that he can talk about this with Juri. 

Juri sighed. And Jesse turned his head, “Juri?” 

"Don't be such a dick." 

Juri never, ever spoke like this to Jesse. It wasn’t a rule, but it was a promise he made himself. Today would be the exception to this rule because he was the only person with enough perspective from both sides, the only person who could tell him this. 

“Jesse, if you knew how much Hokuto suffered during the years that he was madly in love with you, how much you hurt him in the process, you wouldn’t have the heart to be doing this to him now.”

Juri’s words weren’t harsh, but his tone was serious.

“Do you know how much he used to like you? And you? You led him on. You gave him hope to hold onto. And then? When SixTONES formed, we tore that away from him.” 

Juri paused, even he felt a certain heartache for Hokuto, “He’s already given up on you. Don’t give him hope again. You’re only going to hurt him more. Please, stop doing this to him.” 

Jesse thought about every tease, every time he held his hand, touched his arm, leaned into him. Every time he kissed his hair. Every time he looked at Hokuto with a tease that said “I dare you to fall in love with me” – he hadn’t realized it had been the cruelest punishment he could enact onto Hokuto. 

Juri knew Jesse hadn’t meant any of it. Jesse was his hero, the embodiment of the good in humanity, yet it was a fact that Hokuto had been deeply hurt by Jesse after getting his heart broken by Taiga. Juri wasn’t sure if he could take more. It wasn’t entirely Jesse’s fault, and he felt horrible for pinning it onto him like it was. Love is the choice of two people after all. But Juri also understood that saying these words today was his responsibility; what Jesse chose to do with it was his decision. Juri would follow and respect it no matter what Jesse decided. 

But who could take these accusations lightly? 

A jolt of reality. Jesse felt he had been living an incredibly selfish fantasy and was finally freefalling through the harsh reality. He was embarrassed that he didn’t realize any of this. 

Later when the two talked through it, they both realized it was simply cruel timing. Jesse thanked Juri for telling him; he was glad Juri could speak up, whether as his friend or colleague. 

He didn’t express his promise to Juri that day, but inside his heart, Jesse began to accept that he needed to let himself down, to let Hokuto down from this pedestal of love, slowly and gently. He couldn’t hurt Hokuto in the process again, or else he’d feel guilty about it forever. 

That night, Jesse went home and had a few drinks alone. He sat there in silence, trying to muster the energy to twist the situation into one he could face with a smile. But he couldn’t because tears blurred his vision, a tear in his heart that couldn’t be fixed by a bandage.

As it turns out Jesse Lewis didn’t know how to love, the thing he had always been so confident in. 

Jesse knew after tonight, he couldn’t shed any more tears. He needed to fix things, to return everything to its rightful place. 

Jesse had no rights to Hokuto’s undivided love.

Jesse became careful. He watched Hokuto, realizing Hokuto had learned to be friends with him. 

Hokuto didn’t even notice as Jesse cooled off. Maybe because things between them became better than ever. Their relationship returned to being natural again. 

Sometimes Hokuto would even go to Jesse for advice and comfort. On his days off, Hokuto would ask Jesse to go shopping with him in Shimokitazawa and even though Jesse wasn’t much into thrifting, he always accompanied Hokuto with the most pleasure. When Jesse had a movie he wanted to see, he didn’t have to think twice to ask Hokuto to go see it with him. 

Jesse could see the happiness in Hokuto’s eyes, not having to worry about whether the two of them were crossing the line anymore. But was that enough for him?

Because it didn’t stop him from being jealous. Jesse hated seeing Hokuto get close with Shintaro or Juri, even though he knew it was nothing. It was a shameful feeling – the one where he wanted to be the only one to be special to Hokuto – even though he knew that was against everything he had promised himself. 

Sometimes he did the only thing he knew to do at the moment and that was to try to make Hokuto jealous too, much to Kochi’s dismay as he became a tool for him to drag Hokuto into jealousy.

The late spring season meant it was time for another single, following their annual early-in-year album release. Each member arrived on set at the crack of dawn to film their next music video. It was one filled with long takes and just the first one took many tries. After lunch, solo shots wrapped up and there was one more long take before Jesse wrapped up for the day. 

When the director explained the logistics behind the take, Jesse hadn’t expected to be so affected by it. It hadn’t even been long since he had been relieved that everything had gone back to normal. He thought this was the new status quo for them. He got onto position as Taiga dropped the silky drapes and moved out of the frame, the camera panned onto him, and Hokuto entered — something stirred inside him. The bouquet was softly taken out of his hands, and a warm palm slipped under his cheek, gently lifting Jesse’s gaze to meet his own. 

His eyes locked onto Hokuto’s.

Hokuto’s eyes were as they always were. Soft, gentle, and beautiful. They were deeper than usual; Jesse couldn’t tell if he was acting. Maybe he was acting for the music video, but Jesse got lost in it, like they had been trying to tell him something for a long time. 

Jesse thought about every time they locked eyes, from back in the days where they performed Kimi wa Karma together to every last kiss they had in secret. Hokuto had always been there. His feelings had always been there. It was Jesse who realized too late. 

In that moment, Jesse realized it was too late for him to try to hold his own feelings back. His heart spoke louder than ever after locking eyes with Hokuto for what felt like an eternity. 

Jesse lost control of his heart for the first time in his life. 

A loud “cut” came from the other end of the room, and the two finally broke off their gaze. Jesse snapped back to reality, eyes unable to focus as he was still trying to come back. Normally he would have done something silly to make a few of the staff members laugh, maybe even make Hokuto laugh – but he was lost in thought, feeling a dull heartache over being unable to forget the eyes of the person he most wanted in this world. 

Jesse tried to reaffirm that he’s doing the right thing by forgetting anything ever happened between them. But for Hokuto, Jesse could never know that he never stopped loving him, that Hokuto simply found a new way to channel it – and that was to pretend that being friends is all he wants. Maybe to the group, it was a lie that needed to exist. 

But since that day, Jesse had a fear. His walls were down. He became afraid of being alone with Hokuto because he knew – he may not be able to resist trying to tell Hokuto that since their first kiss, he’s wanted him. That he was too dense. Too stupid to figure it all out. 

Jesse let his feelings slip through the cracks time after time. 

When the weather turned warm and the sun lingered longer in the sky each night it was a sign that summer was here and Jesse’s birthday was first in the long line-up of summer birthdays in the group. For an outgoing personality, Jesse had planned a quieter birthday this year. He never forced any of the group members to celebrate with him given how much time they already spend together, so after Music Station then an early birthday dinner Jesse spent the countdown alone at home. 

He was a night owl, so at 11 p.m. he was still wide awake searching for something to watch. 

11:30 p.m. – Jesse gave up and just turned on the television to watch random programming. He was two drinks into the night. After giving up drinking for nearly three months to cut down for Tarzan, he thought maybe his birthday he deserved to treat himself a little. But maybe it was lack of practice, but the warm fuzzy feeling in his stomach, he was already beginning to feel tipsy. 

12:00 a.m. – waves of texts came through on his phone congratulating him on his birthday. Jesse replied to everyone in a timely manner, but he was truly only anticipating one from the person he could not stop thinking about. 

12:30 a.m. – Jesse was sprawled on his couch, making small talk and plans with everyone who texted him a ‘happy birthday’. Between drinks he had already forgotten that Hokuto was still missing. 

1:00 a.m. – a text. Jesse felt his face had gotten warm from all the drinking he had done alone while responding to birthday messages. He opened his text notification and it was from the only person he wanted to hear from that night. 

“Happy birthday, Jesse! I'm a little bit late, but I wanted to give you a surprise.” 

A door bell. 

With the message window still open, Jesse scurried to the door, wondering if this was the surprise Hokuto was referring to. When he opened the door, a small slice of birthday cake with one singular candle lit up his face. 

“Happy birthday to you…” It was Hokuto, singing the birthday song with the full ordeal. He handed a pair of birthday glasses to Jesse and continued singing, trying his best to not laugh in the middle of it.

After Jesse made a wish and blew out the candle, he quickly slipped into Jesse’s apartment, set the cake down and dragged Jesse downstairs before he could even get a word in. He was pleasantly surprised, a wide smile split from ear to ear. 

Hokuto stopped once they reached a grassy patch outside Jesse’s apartment building and pulled out a bottle of champagne. He shook it, smiling wide as he handed it to Jesse. Jesse couldn’t hold in his laugh, as he popped the bottle and the champagne sprayed all over the grass. He was so happy he began to chase Hokuto with the champagne bottle, soaking him with the alcohol until it ran out. 

Before Hokuto could complain about his shirt soaked with champagne, Jesse dropped the bottle onto the grass and wrapped his arms around Hokuto tightly, hugging him as closely as he could. 

“Thank you, Hokuto. This was the best birthday gift.” Even though he was overjoyed, his voice was low, almost too serious for the occasion.  

Hokuto was just glad his surprise for Jesse turned out well. 

“When I heard you had no birthday plans, I knew I couldn’t let it stay that way.” He hugged Jesse back, “You’re Jesse afterall.” 

‘You deserve all the best in the world.’ was what he wanted to say, but Hokuto ended up keeping that to himself. 

When Hokuto realized he stopped wanting more from Jesse, and he stopped wanting Jesse all for himself, he could love Jesse without a care in the world. All these years of suffering – sometimes he thought maybe he just needed to mature a little, grow up a little – to learn that love wasn’t ever all about “having”. 

Jesse was too special and too great to simply have. 

Hokuto didn’t know that every gesture he made out of his newly defined love – was merely a tug on Jesse’s heart, a call to wake up the feelings he tried so hard to push down. 

“I love you.” was Jesse’s last attempt at resistance when he posted that on Instagram on Hokuto’s birthday. 

Like waves crashing relentlessly onto a dam, some day the flood gates would simply fail to contain his emotions. 

*

*

*

The last wave that hit Jesse like a tsunami was called “Ai to Iu na no Veil”. 

Everything about the concept was a revival of them as a unit in the past and even though they had decided this themselves and it was intentional for nostalgia, it immediately transported Jesse back to 2013 – for better or for worse. 

The two spend a tremendous amount of time alone during the conception of the unit song, and they even joked about how this reminded them of the days where they always spent extra time practicing together. Were those days something that they could laugh about now? 

Neither Jesse nor Hokuto truly knew that they both felt a sting in their hearts thinking about the time that had gone by – and they too recognize that the times were simpler back then. The nostalgia was bittersweet: more bitter, less sweet. And it tripped Jesse up every time, whiplashing between feeling like they were the same teens from back then and knowing this was only a ghost of the past. 

It had been almost a year since he set rules to not come onto Hokuto again, but it had been months since realizing he probably couldn't hold back much longer. And Jesse was not one to break rules, especially those he set for himself, but he despised not being true to his own feelings. 

One late night Hokuto was still in the studio recording. When it all finally wrapped up, Hokuto stayed longer for a quiet place to read over some lines for a different project. After the staff had all gone home and even the lights were halfway turned off, Hokuto finally left the booth, only to find Jesse there waiting for him. 

“Jesse…I thought,” Hokuto stumbled, finding Jesse’s appearance truly out of character, “I thought you finished earlier today. Did you need to re-record something?” Even though he asked, Hokuto didn’t think it was in character for Jesse to need to re-record either.

“I came back.” Jesse replied, sheepishly, “I heard you were here.” 

Hokuto wouldn’t know that when Jesse left earlier that day, he was acting abnormal to his usual self, even if just by the slightest. 

“What’s up?” 

Jesse walked closer, and Hokuto could tell he had been drinking. And he was now worried. Jesse never showed up back at work after drinking. It was not professional, and it was a very important rule Jesse stressed.

“Are you okay?” Hokuto walked closer to Jesse, his eyes full of worry, “Jesse?” 

Hokuto’s soft voice broke Jesse’s tough facade. He had been feeling like shit the entire day, and maybe he had gotten too into the song they were recording. Every word. Every lyric stabbed him in the heart. 

“Why can’t you admit that you like me?” Jesse’s voice was fragile, yet his actions were otherwise as he cornered Hokuto in the room. 

He needed answers. He wanted to know – why was it that they had to keep missing each other?

“Why can’t you admit that you like me?” Jesse repeated. He had too much to drink, and Hokuto could tell. It broke his heart, frankly – seeing Jesse on the verge of breaking like this. 

“…do you love me?” Jesse uttered. 

“Jesse…” Hokuto didn’t know what to say. He thought about it as hard as he could until he had a blatant realization that it was the song. Everything about their song was an ironic callout to them. 

It was Jesse’s gateway for all the feelings to pour out all at once. Hokuto wished they never chose to do this song.

“You’re drunk.” Hokuto calmly replied, his heart bleeding from this unfolding before their eyes. 

Why, Jesse? Why did you have to tear apart the veil we had between us with your own hands?

The lie we had going. The guise of friendship. 

Hokuto knew there was no going back. And he was simply too naive to expect this to be sustainable. 

Jesse stumbled over to Hokuto until he was right up against Hokuto and the wall. Jesse towered over Hokuto, his hand by his side holding back the urge to hug Hokuto, the hesitation lingering at his fingertips. 

But Hokuto had to keep his cool,

“You’re drunk.” Hokuto repeated when it seemed Jesse was not having it. 

“I’m not.”

“I’m leaving.” Hokuto knew he had to get out of this situation if he had any hopes of resisting Jesse and pretending like he could keep up their guise of friendship the next day.

Jesse tugged on Hokuto’s arm, “Don’t.” His voice was small. Childish. Fragile. Desperate. 

Hokuto couldn’t budge another step. 

“Hokuto…I like you, I’ve said it so many times. I like you, I can say it every day.” 

Jesse was the most courageous person Hokuto knew, but he realized even Jesse was saying the things he could only say after he had filled himself with a stupid level of liquor. 

“I like you, why can’t you take me seriously? Why…” He paused for a moment, “...Why hadn’t I learned sooner?” Jesse blamed himself, he wanted to punch himself for not realizing his own feelings sooner. 

He forced a smile bitterly, “I have always been the one who knew best what I wanted, yet when it came to this…I was always a fucking idiot.” This time Jesse actually let go of Hokuto’s arm. Hokuto turned around to face Jesse only to find him clenching his fist until his knuckles turned white. 

“Jesse…” It wasn’t his fault. Hokuto knew he never said anything either. 

He took a step closer to Jesse, hoping to be the one to wipe his tears for once. Hokuto could laugh at himself right now, his inability to ever resist Jesse was worth ridiculing. 

But the one step Hokuto took towards him gave Jesse the opportunity – to give into the urge for once in his life, to be weak – and he grabbed Hokuto’s wrist, pinning him to the wall and without so much as skipping another beat, he kissed Hokuto again. His lips aggressively colliding onto Hokuto’s, afraid if he didn’t savor this moment he’d never get another chance. Hokuto tried to stop Jesse, but it only caused him to come on harder. Finally Hokuto gave up resisting, and that was the thing that made Jesse stop all at once. 

He pulled away, realizing what he had done.

“I’m sorry.” Jesse immediately apologized, letting go of Hokuto’s hands stumbling one drunken step backwards, his head hanging low ridden with shame. It was painful to see Jesse like this, of all people and Hokuto could see such deep loneliness in Jesse’s eye; his heart was soft. He touched Jesse’s face, gently tracing down his jawline, hoping to soothe the wrinkles that furrowed between his brows. Hokuto tried to save what was left of them but this day was bound to come. 

Someone would lift the veil between them, and they would have nothing left to hide behind while unabashedly loving each other. 

Jesse’s breath was heavy, after holding in everything for so long and finally letting go of it all. 

“That kiss ten years ago.” His voice was only a hair above a broken whisper, “That kiss two years ago…All these kisses. I kissed everyone in the world trying to find – trying to replicate the feeling you gave me – but it was you. It was only you.”

Jesse said, “It has always been you.” 

Without breaking away, Jesse said the deepest apology with the eyes Hokuto always found so profound and beautiful, pooled with tears rolling down his cheeks.

“I’m sorry. For all those years I hurt you.” Jesse forced a small smile, “You too, gave me the greatest love and the deepest heartache.”

Karma. Jesse’s karma was Hokuto. 

“I guess we’re even.” Hokuto finally uttered, and his heart died in that moment. He was relieved they finally talked about everything that was buried inside yet a deep frost froze over him at the same time. He remembered Taiga’s words, that he needed to reject Jesse – blatantly, obviously – and there was nothing harsher than walking out in this moment. 

Matsumura Hokuto finally rejected Jesse Lewis. 

This was the end.

Jesse was left alone in the room. He felt the floor seemingly cave in beneath him, crumbling onto the ground, trying to scrape up all the pieces of his heart that were left shattered. He felt so small and helpless after everything he tried. Why him? Why did it have to be this way? With his long legs curled against his chest, he felt his insides wilt, poisoned by every last drop of alcohol. He felt ridiculous, like everything had been one hilarious cosmic joke for all of 14 years. It didn't matter that he was drunk; Jesse wished he never had to sober up, knowing that he had to face the night that Hokuto finally walked out on his love. He knew damn well that he looked like a fool, but he still tried. It was only almost good enough, words that would sting over and over. He tried to defy all odds, to reconcile their history yet the moon and the sun were never meant to exist in the same sky. 

Jesse thought he could be selfish for once.

Maybe for once in his life, he’d be selfish.

Maybe he didn’t have to be everyone’s hero for one night. 

Who was he kidding? 

The universe was too cruel. 

Album preparation continued like that night hadn’t happened. Hokuto was used to it, he never expected these vulnerable outbursts to ever be addressed. He didn’t even blame Jesse – who would want to face such a convoluted history?

But Jesse hadn’t stopped thinking about that night. He was embarrassed for being a messy drunk when it came to Hokuto, and for this very last time he wouldn’t run away. 

Autumn was in full swing, and rehearsal times never lined up with everyone busy at their individual jobs. They rehearsed together a few times a month, but more likely they were practicing on their own. Hokuto wrapped up filming on set before getting a ride to the agency to use the empty rehearsal room to practice. He had been there for an hour before a head popped in, smiling innocently at him. 

Jesse knew Hokuto was going to be there, and he intentionally went to see him. They caught up a little before Jesse brought up that night.

“Hokuto, I…” Jesse started, his hands nervously clasped together, “I wanted to apologize for that night.” 

Hokuto smiled, “Nothing to apologize for, silly. It’s okay.” 

He was genuine, but Hokuto also didn’t want to talk about that night. He had almost been glad when Jesse didn’t bring it up.

“No, I crossed the line. And I wanted to properly talk to you about it.” 

Hokuto didn’t know what there was to talk about. Rehashing the events would only make things worse, but Jesse was insistent. And he knew there was no stopping him. 

“Please?” Jesse nearly begged, “I want to talk about it like adults for once.” 

Hokuto thought it was ironic. Jesse finally found the right timing, yet it was all too late. 

“Okay.” 

Jesse finally confessed to Hokuto about how working on this unit song reminded him of the past – it took him back to the days where it was just the two of them, from their initial meeting to splitting up, only to come back together again. Realizing they always loved each other yet missed each other was painful, like a sting on the bones that never really went away. 

“We have been so intertwined by fate since forever, huh?” Hokuto pointed out, as if he hadn’t noticed that for many years already.

Jesse smiled, but his eyes were filled with sadness, “We should have been together years ago. After that first kiss. We should have been together.” 

And maybe anyone else would’ve been hesitant to speak the ugly truth, but he was Jesse. 

He went on to talk about even when Hokuto joined BI Shadow, he always wanted to congratulate him for it after he left, but never found the courage in himself to.

“I was a coward back then.”

Jesse laughed at himself, looking down at his hands as he drew his legs close to his chest while they sat on the practice room floor, just like back then, “And I’m still one now.” 

Hokuto put a reassuring hand on Jesse’s back. He confessed, “I guess it’s only easy to know what the right thing to do was looking back.” 

Jesse looked at Hokuto, and while he was regretful, it looked like he was accepting of the fact that they could never get any of this time back. They had to move forward. 

Hokuto said it after Jesse found him crying that night that he realized Jesse was like the Sun to him, yet after kissing him – he was afraid to fly too close to the Sun – despite how much he loved Jesse. 

“Isn’t life funny?” Jesse finally asked, “We should have been together, but maybe in exchange life gave us SixTONES. The six of us, a miracle.” 

Jesse's tone turned hopeful. Hokuto smiled. Such a Jesse habit. He habitually turned negative thoughts into miracles. Hokuto tried to ignore it, but his heart was sinking.

We should have been together. Five of the heaviest words spoken. 

Hokuto agreed, looking at Jesse. This man was his most original dream. His longest love. The only love he’s ever wanted – yet in this moment, in the grand scheme of things – Hokuto was willing to give it up.

“How did we end up this way?” Hokuto said after a long pause, holding back tears. 14 years. Like growing up happened overnight. And suddenly he was faced with making decisions that accounted for things beyond his own feelings. 

Jesse’s gaze met Hokuto’s and instantly the tears brimmed his eyes, falling a fat droplet at a time. His voice shook slightly, and he swallowed hard trying to hold it back, “I thought…”

He stopped to take a deep breath, “I thought I could be selfish for once, you know…for you, for love…But no matter how much I loved you, it seems like with our history…” Jesse’s hand grazed Hokuto’s cheek shakily, wiping down the tear that escaped his eye all while tears flowed freely down his own face.

“It’s too late.” The words escaped Jesse’s trembling lips.

“Seems like we can never go back to that night in 2013. We have to move forward.” Jesse forced a weak smile, and he pulled Hokuto into a hug. It was a gentle hug, his hand caressing the back of Hokuto’s head shakily.

“We can no longer trade the two of us for the six of us. And maybe that’s for the best.” 

Hokuto stayed silent. But Jesse knew what his silence meant.

They held the silence between them, like in each other’s arms was the embodiment of fourteen years, of every last bit of love — intertwined with fate that they grew into the people they were today. Romance no longer suffice, their camaraderie was so much greater than that. 

When they separated after what felt like an eternity, the two found each other’s eyes and with the most complex yet most forgiving emotions they shared one more kiss, one last time. Their lips softly touching, taking each other in: accepting, forgiving, and lingering in every last bit of one another. Sweet like the first kiss, because love never died. Salty, was the taste of their tear streaked faces, as though they made one last attempt to transport themselves back to that night in 2013 – on the same floor of the same rehearsal room. 

This kiss meant everything. Moreover, it was love – a never ending love, above romance, above friendship, above all. 

“I love you.”

Words that were never spoken. 

Too much, too late. 

*

*

* 

Early 2023. SixTONES’ biggest tour to date began and no more loose ends remained between the two. Jesse and Hokuto finally made their peace with each other.

Ai Veil was the beginning and end of it all. 

When they performed, they would give it their all to perform the emotions of the song, yet at the same time it was only mechanically, exactly as rehearsed –- all until the climax. Jesse would feel a sharp heartache. The scar of a fresh wound peeling open every time. 

Jesse would always reach out, his hand extended to Hokuto and like clockwork, Hokuto would perfectly miss Jesse’s hand by barely a graze. Jesse and Hokuto were two parallel lines, colliding for one fateful moment – only to separate, infinitely close, yet never intersecting again. 

A pain they would never forget. 

But love was letting go.