April 2013
It’s nearing noon on an ordinary Tuesday morning in April, and the company building is bustling with people; idols and staff members and other people working in the numerous offices. Loud music booms from the speakers in almost every dance room with boys and men of all ages practicing their choreographies for concerts, music videos, and other performances.
For the Juniors, the most important topic of conversation are, and have been for the whole spring, the upcoming mini concerts that will start at Theater Crea in less than three weeks. Hokuto is one of the lucky ones, actually having his name and face on the posters. Yet he finds it hard to rejoice over his achievement.
This particular dance room feels empty with only three people in. There's just too much space for them to fill. And if it’s like this in a mere dance room, how can he and Jesse even imagine taking up the whole stage like they're supposed to? Maybe their senpai can do it; the grown up, debuted ones who sing and dance with all the charisma of experienced idols. As just two teenage Juniors, it feels rather arrogant to imply the same about himself and Jesse.
The dance teacher pauses the music and makes them repeat the last beats again. Even the squeaks of their sneakers sound lonely in the echo-y silence of the room.
"Five, six, seven, eight," the teacher counts, tapping his palm in the air like he’s holding an invisible baton. At eight he frowns.
"What's wrong with you, Matsumura? It’s not a difficult move. I’ve seen you do it flawlessly before.”
His shoulders instantly tensing up, Hokuto swallows.
The teacher looks expectant. “Yes?”
“I just…” Hokuto falters, “I guess it’s just lonely. With just me and Jesse here.”
Jesse freezes, his expression carefully neutral. Only then Hokuto wonders if he should have lied instead of blurting out the first thing on the top of his mind.
The teacher rubs his temples with his fingertips. “Matsumura. You’re being given a wonderful opportunity here,” he says calmly, but the tone of his voice is annoyed. “You’re not the first Junior not having it his way, and you won’t be the last. So you two’d better grab the chance and make the best of it.”
Eyes prickling threateningly, Hokuto stands straight, grabbing his hands together behind his back so the dance teacher won’t see them shaking.
“Yes, sir.”
The teacher shakes his head and sighs. “Sorry. I didn’t need to snap at you. But I meant it - you should look ahead instead of glancing behind. You’re better than this and you know it.”
Hokuto simply nods and takes a deep breath, preparing to repeat the last moves of the choreography.
After the lesson, once the teacher has wished them good day and gone for his break, Hokuto grabs Jesse’s sleeve before Jesse can leave for the dressing room and showers where they’re guaranteed to meet any number of other people.
“What I said earlier,” he says quietly, “You know I didn’t mean-”
Jesse smiles at him, but it is a sad, understanding smile. He lifts his own hand on Hokuto’s shoulder and squeezes it. “I know. I’m having fun with you. But it’s-”
“-more fun when it’s all six of us,” Hokuto finishes the sentence for him. “I like talking with you. But, you know. Whenever we don’t talk, then it’s just…quiet.”
“I know.”
And perhaps the only comfort in all this is that he still has Jesse with him. Jesse knows exactly what he means, and misses the others just as much.
After showering Hokuto and Jesse rush two floors down together. This time their wish is granted, as they have barely reached the end of the queue for the cafeteria counter when they already hear Juri and Shintaro’s booming laughters at the dining area. Taiga notices them in the queue and waves his hands at them, and Kochi points at the two empty seats they’ve been reserving in their table. Hokuto’s mood spikes up a dozen levels at once.
“Where have you two been?” Juri demands to know as soon as Hokuto and Jesse settle to the table with their lunch trays. “We’ve been waiting for you guys for ages!”
“Dance rehearsals,” Jesse explains. “After which the showers were full of Snowmen and we had to wait for our turns.”
“Oh yeah, they were still dancing when we passed by,” Kochi recalls. “So how was your lesson?”
This time it’s Hokuto’s turn to freeze. He’d rather die than repeat their teacher’s words to the others. They don’t need to have it rubbed on their faces: how Hokuto and Jesse are getting this great opportunity to lead concerts of their own while the rest of them are left behind for some arbitrary reasons someone up high decided.
Shintaro softly nudges Hokuto’s arm. “That bad, huh?”
“We got scolded by the dance teacher,” Jesse interjects. “I don’t know why, guess he was just having a bad day and we were the collateral damage.”
“Aw, sucks,” Shintaro admits. “Say, do you wanna go out for a dinner tonight after work? I’ll be free at around five, but none of these three want to go.”
“It’s not about wanting,” Taiga points out. “I’ve gotta run to the Enbujou Theater right after lunch.”
“I promised to go shopping with my brothers,” Juri says and shrugs, though he looks genuinely disappointed.
“I’m already meeting a friend tonight,” Kochi says. “He lives in Kumamoto and I haven’t seen him in two years, so I really can’t cancel.”
“I can’t, either,” Jesse says, disappointed as well. “It’s my mother’s birthday today so we’re having a dinner party at home. My grandparents and cousins are coming, too.”
“I’m free,” Hokuto says, hoping to sound nonchalant and normal about it, although his palms immediately start feeling sweaty from the mere thought of spending the evening alone with Shintaro. “I’m out at four but I can wait for you. I’ve got some homework to do anyway.”
Shintaro beams at him, and Hokuto’s heart makes a somersault. “Great! We gotta try this new family restaurant in Shinjuku that Jinguji told me about! He said it’s the best pizza he’s eaten in a while.”
Hokuto can’t help grinning. “Deal. See you at the lobby after five, then.”
Somehow, after that, his day feels so much better than it did earlier.
He is close to finishing his homework when Shintaro appears at the lobby, hands in the pockets of his jeans. “Ready to go?”
Hokuto raises his brows, stuffing his school books and pen case to his bag, and starting to pull on his jacket. “Sure, but when are you planning to do your homework?”
“At home,” Shintaro says and waves his hand dismissively. “Come on, I’m starving!”
They rush to the nearest train station and catch the next train. Shintaro flops down to a free seat and sighs longingly. “Man, I can’t wait to be old enough to drive us around in a car of my own.”
By ‘us’ he’s obviously meaning any of his friends, but the word still makes Hokuto’s heart flip again as he imagines Shintaro driving. It’s a nice image - Shintaro is exactly the type to look incredibly cool when driving, Hokuto is sure of it.
The next station is a busy one, and the boys quickly stand up when they notice a couple old ladies stepping in and searching for a seat.
“Thank you, dears,” the ladies say warmly as they sit down to the newly vacated seats, and Hokuto and Shintaro grab the straps hanging from the ceiling. At the same time Hokuto hears a muffled squeal behind him and Shintaro, and he busies himself with his phone. Some high school girls sitting at nearby seats have obviously recognized them. Glancing at Shintaro from under his brows, he meets an amused grin as Shintaro makes a face at him. Hokuto smiles, and returns to his phone for the rest of the trip until they’ve got to change trains.
The Shinjuku station is at its busiest, and Hokuto and Shintaro happily blend into the crowd, heading for the exit nearest to their destination. The walls are plastered with huge advertisements of the next AKB48 summer single, and Hokuto lets his eyes run across the billboards until he finds some familiar faces.
“Those girls sure are busy,” he points out, looking at Shimazaki’s picture. She is cuddled up against her three members. All of them are wearing very little on them, just some kind of a flowery bikini, and seemingly floating in a whole pool of flowers. “They look cute.”
Shintaro, almost past the billboard already, glances back across his shoulder. “I guess? Look, that’s our exit!”
Hokuto smiles a bit and speeds up to stay at Shintaro’s heels. There is this silly little flame of hopefulness flickering inside him, and Shintaro’s nonchalance about the girls they worked with makes it that much stronger.
Of course, Hokuto isn’t delusional enough to think that Shintaro might actually like him back in the same way Hokuto likes him - Hokuto has made that clear to himself many, many times. But then, whenever he has just managed to make himself believe his sensible reasoning, Shintaro does something that awakens his silly hopes again. Just little things: looking at him for a long time, smiling at him more than necessary, fidgeting around him, sometimes touching him in a way that makes him wonder whether it was intentional or not. The evidence is feeble, but that’s the best Hokuto has, so.
“Oh, by the way, Takaki messaged me the other day.” Despite the uninterest in Shimazaki herself, seeing her picture seems to have launched some related gears in Shintaro’s head. “He wanted to give me some old clothes of his, but in the end most of them didn’t fit me. You should message him and see if he still has them. They looked like your style anyway.”
Hokuto chuckles. “That’s a bold statement of you. I don’t even know what I’d call my style. I don’t think I even have one.”
Shintaro eyes at him from head to toes. “No,” he admits. “You really don’t stand out. But I like your shirt. You should wear more colors.”
“Yeah?” Hokuto smiles and tugs at his shirt sleeves that peek out from under the sleeves of his jacket. “I found this at a second-hand shop.”
“You should go to those more often then,” Shintaro says and tilts his head. “After the dinner?”
“If we can find one that’s open late.”
Shintaro grins at him and points to the right direction at the next crossroad.
If it feels like a date and looks like a date and sounds like a date…well, it’s still just a dinner between friends, but Hokuto can always dream, can he? Shintaro’s nice comment about his shirt still feels good even when they make it to the restaurant and have pizzas that, as promised, taste great.
Shintaro looks very nice too, Hokuto notes, though that shouldn’t surprise anyone, ever. Shintaro always looks nice. He has this naturally cool, sporty, boyish style that Hokuto could never pull off. He looks good even in his school uniform, which is truly a feat because the Horikoshi uniform is about as plain and boring as it gets. If they wore the traditional, high-collared school uniform, that would be something. Shintaro would obviously nail it too. But no, they are confined in Horikoshi’s loose-fitting, shapeless blazers.
They manage to find a second-hand shop with late opening hours near Shinjuku, so they weave their way through the narrow streets between tall buildings until they find the two-storey little shop kept by a eccentric-looking middle aged couple. Hokuto browses through the hangers though he isn’t quite sure what to choose, while Shintaro brings increasingly weird outfits for him to see.
Hokuto narrows his eyes at the lime green t-shirt with a huge print of a giggling cartoon lemon.
“Come on, I’d never wear something like that.”
“Stop whining and try it on, I think we’re onto something here,” Shintaro commands, and waits while Hokuto closes himself behind the curtain of the small fitting room so he can put on the shirt.
And the thing is, once it’s on him, it’s not that bad. The color is terribly bright of course, but the print is funny, and when Hokuto tucks the front of the shirt into his jeans, it looks almost fashionable.
“See, I told you?” Shintaro says with a wide smile on his face. “I told you you’d look good in it.”
Hokuto swallows, cheeks burning. "Thanks. You look good too," he stupidly says.
"I'm not wearing anything weird or new though," Shintaro says, looking sheepish yet pleased.
"Yeah, I know," Hokuto says and flees into the fitting room before he can say more stupid things.
In the end he walks out of the shop with a paper bag containing not only the lemon shirt but also another t-shirt with a cute pattern, and a nineties-style mint green track jacket. They are intimidating, sure, but somehow Hokuto still can’t wait to wear them. The idea of drawing other people’s attention because of his clothes is equally terrifying and exhilarating.
On their way to the nearest metro station they cross a small playground. It’s really only a tiny sandbox and a swing between tall apartment houses, but it’s obviously well-used, with some plastic toys forgotten in the sandbox.
A bright grin spreads on Shintaro's face when he notices the swing. "Come on!" he says and darts over, stepping up on the swing so he's standing on the seat while holding on to the chains.
Hokuto walks to him, hands in his pockets. "Want me to push you, Shin-chan?" he chirps in his best baby talk voice.
"No no, you should swing too!"
"I can't fit in there," Hokuto protests, but Shintaro interrupts him.
"Haven't you ever swung with two on before? We did this all the time with Ryutaro when we were kids."
Heart racing, Hokuto puts down the paper bag and grabs the chains as well, placing one foot between Shintaro's sneakers and leaping up so they're standing chest to chest, faces all too close to each other.
"See?" Shintaro says. “Now we need to get the rhythm. Lean back when I stand up and vice versa.”
Hokuto snorts aloud. “I know how to swing.” It’s not the swinging that’s troubling him. It’s the warmth of Shintaro’s body against his own, and the way their hands touch when Shintaro’s palms slide down on the chains when crouches and stands up with the swing.
They let the swing to get almost dangerously high before Hokuto, though laughing, demands they stop speeding.
“I’m not going to end up in the ER tonight.”
Shintaro laughs at him, but allows the swing slow down until it’s gently rocking back and forth. The both of them are panting a bit with the strain of the movement. Shintaro’s hair is windswept and fluffy, his hands warm on Hokuto’s. Their eyes meet, and the gaze holds. Hokuto feels his stomach drop with excitement. He wants to look away but he can’t, completely caught by the thoughtful look in Shintaro’s eyes.
Then Shintaro’s eyes move down, and he is looking at Hokuto’s mouth and sucking his lips in. Almost as if by accident, they lean towards each other, and for a fleeting moment Hokuto knows that Shintaro is about to kiss him.
What if someone happens to see them?
“You were right!” he blurts out, blinking hard and laughing, though the laughter sounds terribly forced. “It really was fun!”
Shintaro’s eyes widen and he quickly withdraws. He’s still not far away - one can only lean back so far when sharing a swing - but it’s enough to shatter for good the moment that Hokuto already cracked.
“Told you,” Shintaro says, his voice faltering. Hokuto soundlessly rebukes himself for that. What the fuck is wrong with him? There’s no-one around and it’s dark at the playground, the trees around the swing will block the sight from the apartment house windows, and the nearest street lamp is standing at the corner of the parking lot outside of the playground. He could have grabbed the chance and kissed Shintaro back, and it would have probably been wonderful. Shintaro’s lips look so soft.
But, he admits to himself, it’s not only random passers-by that he worries about. It only took a second, but once he realized Shintaro was going to kiss him, he suddenly thought of their work. Of Jesse and the others, and how little time he and Shintaro could spend with each other these days. How any thing of theirs, if there ever was one, would likely be doomed before it even started. So he chickened out like an idiot.
Shintaro lets one leg hang in the air and crouches with the other until his foot meets the sand under the swing.
“I guess we should get going,” he says quickly, and though he smiles at Hokuto, he’s not quite meeting his eyes anymore.
Hokuto really, really hates himself for having managed to make Shintaro feel so awkward. If only he could take his words back. Or if he was brave enough to bring it up again. He could grab Shintaro’s hand as they walk. Shintaro probably wouldn’t object to that. And then maybe, in some dark corner between houses he could pull Shintaro closer and press their lips together. And maybe Shintaro would also like to come home with him. They would make him a bed on the floor of Hokuto’s room of course, but maybe Shintaro might want to skip the futon on the floor and sleep in Hokuto’s bed instead, and maybe then Hokuto could kiss him again and…
Hokuto’s skin raises on goose bumps and he quickly looks away so Shintaro can’t see the expression on his face. It really doesn’t matter what he could do, because he is a damn scaredy-cat who won’t.
~
The next day, Shintaro seems to have forgotten about the whole thing. They meet at the dance room for Shonen Club rehearsals with about thirty other Juniors, and Shintaro greets him as he always does, gladly and eagerly. Hokuto smiles back at him, happy to just be in the same room, at the same rehearsals with Shintaro and the others.
Yet, he can’t help all the what ifs that reel around in his head weeks after.
Sure enough, those weeks would be trying enough even without his Shintaro-related troubles. With school and homework and daily rehearsals, Hokuto can barely stay awake in train when finally going home. Even during school days he finds it hard to connect with his classmates, resorting to books instead. He sometimes notices Juri looking at him in the corridors. Often it's a worried, helpless look that Hokuto recognizes, because he doesn't know how to reach out towards Juri, either. He doesn't really think Juri and the others would resent him and Jesse for the attention they get from the management, but he also can't quite not think so.
All things considered, he should definitely spend his rare evenings off at home so he could catch up with his homework and frankly, just rest. But he can’t help himself. It’s the 29th April, and the Live House Johnny’s Ginza 2013 concerts are starting.
As the lights go off, Hokuto slips into the private audience box reserved for any Juniors who aren’t performing but want to watch the show. He’s not alone, as he finds Watanabe and Miyadate already at the box. Sitting down next to them, he whispers a greeting, but he’s not sure if they hear him, and they don’t have time to talk more before the show starts.
Hokuto instantly regrets coming.
Shintaro, Juri, and Kochi are there, together with Sanada and Nozawa. Taiga still has the Takizawa Enbujou stageplay going on at the same time, but he will probably appear at the Theater Crea as soon as tonight’s play ends. Meanwhile, the others are singing, dancing, smiling, and talking on the stage like they’re having the time of their lives. Everyone is on their work mode which of course has little to do with what’s actually going on in their heads, and Hokuto knows they all wish their Bakaleya-gumi could still be. It still hurts.
His whole body aches with how much he wants to be down on the stage with Jesse, right there between Shintaro and Juri, where Sanada and Nozawa currently stand. Hokuto and Jesse should have been there, if not for the sudden change of plans somewhere up high. Somehow, the lost chance stings even more.
Around the halfway point of the concert Taiga appears on the stage, suddenly making it a row of six people as it should be, but yet it’s just wrong.
They sing their songs, the songs that the six of them have sung several times on stage for the Shounen Club. Sanawa and Nozawa have no business being there.
Hokuto tries to be sensible about it - it’s not like Sanada and Nozawa were asked about their preferences any more than he and Jesse were. And yet, they are the ones on the stage while Hokuto and Jesse aren’t, and somehow it’s very hard to remember that he actually likes them both a lot.
At the end of the show Hokuto flees before the lights go on, needing to be gone before either Watanabe or Miyadate can prompt any conversation. They can wonder about his rudeness all they want, he can’t deal with any of it right now.
In the train he sits with his hat deep in his head, a flu mask on his face, and acts like he is sleeping behind his scarf. He doesn’t need anyone seeing him or talking to him. His hands are cold and he stuffs them into the pockets of his jacket so they get warmer. But no amount of swallowing will remove the feeling of a lump stuck in his throat.
Arriving at home, he puts on a brave face for his parents and quickly inhales whatever dinner his mother has prepared, barely noticing the textures and flavors of whatever he wolfs down. Dishes empty, he says thanks and stands up, claiming to be deadly tired.
"Wait," his mother says. "I visited the nearby shrine today and bought you these." She has two omamori charms that she hands over to Hokuto. According to the embroidery, one of them is for general success, and the other for dreams coming true. "To bring you luck for your concerts with Jesse," she says gently. "I know it's been hard for you lately, and your father and I want you to know that we're proud of you. Across the table his father nods at her words, and again Hokuto has to swallow hard to keep his lower lip from trembling.
"Thanks mum, dad," he chokes, and flees upstairs.
He doesn't even bother switching on the light in his room. He hangs the charms by their strings on his bedside lamp and throws himself to lie on his bed. There he stares at the charms until they stop swinging.
For success and his dreams to come true. What would he even wish for?
An image of the Theater Crea flashes in his mind. Of the six of them standing on the stage. Of Shintaro's brightest smile, the kind that makes Hokuto’s stomach flutter and heart skip a beat or two.
He simply wants too much.
He's already getting more attention than most Juniors ever will. Shokura duets and magazine photo shoots, even whole concerts alone with Jesse. Someone at the company management must be thinking there is potential in him and Jesse. They are so, so lucky, and asking for more is just greedy.
Yet, it isn't more that he wants. Just a different thing. Is it really so wrong to want to belong in a group?
He's wanted to be an idol for so long, ever since he saw Yamashita-senpai on that drama and thought he was so cool. Yamashita was part of a group, too. Even though he ended up doing a solo career after all. Yet, in the end he was allowed to choose by himself. Lucky him.
Sure, there are other duos. Tackey and Tsubasa, and the Domotos of course. But Hokuto has never wanted that. A duo isn’t a group.
What's the point of being an idol if he's going to be this lonely for the rest of his career? Maybe he should just quit. High school would definitely be easier if he didn't have singing or dancing practice five evenings a week, not to mention the interviews, photo shoots, drama shootings, Shonen Club, TakiCHANnel and everything else that being a teenage idol brings along.
He imagines staying at the school building after the lessons for this extracurricular circle or that, watching Shintaro, Juri, Taiga, and other Juniors leaving the school yard. Knowing they're heading for the dance studios together. Hokuto doesn’t know how to talk to them, but at least now, still leave with them.
How could he know which option is the worse?
A sob escapes from his throat before he can stop it. Then another, no matter how hard he tries to keep it in.
He's in his own room though. Maybe it's okay to cry a bit. Nobody will ever know.
~
January 2024
Loud, annoying music pierces through Hokuto’s sleep. He rolls to his other side without opening his eyes, not wanting to wake up yet. After a while the music stops, but then it starts again from the beginning, and he groans aloud, preparing himself to give a mouthful of sass to his brother. He didn’t even know Shota was coming home from university this week. Yet there he is, playing music in his room way too early in the morning. What’s wrong with him?
Another blissful moment of silence follows before the ringtone - because that’s what it really must be - starts again, and Hokuto rips his eyes open, only to realize that the music is actually coming from somewhere next to his own bed. He sits up and rubs his dry eyes but they don’t seem to clear up at all, his vision staying blurry. The ringtone stops, and starts immediately again, and Hokuto scrambles over to fumble for the phone ringing. It seems to be in a bag by his bed, and when he finds it, he lifts it in front of his nose and squints at the screen to read Juri’s name on it.
“Hokuto? Where are you? I’ve been calling you for like five minutes?”
Hokuto yawns and rubs his eyes harder. “Sorry, I was asleep.”
“Asleep?” Juri squeals to the phone. “Since when have I ever been awake before you? Your ride’s waiting, dumbass!”
Alarmed and terrified, Hokuto looks around to look at the clock. He doesn’t remember agreeing to carpooling with anyone last night, doesn’t even know whose dad is going to be driving, but it looks like doesn’t have time to stop to recollect his memories. Also - he doesn’t know where he is.
Blinking in the middle of an unknown room, he tries to focus on the details of the room and also calm down, even though he feels increasingly alarmed by the second. Where the hell is he?
“Drag your ass out in like two minutes and we can still make it in time,” Juri barks in the phone that Hokuto is still holding on his ear. He looks at the phone that’s definitely not his. It’s much bigger, and a different color, too. But Juri is on the other end of the line, and Juri wasn’t surprised of Hokuto answering the phone, so it must belong to a friend. Who, though? Also, Juri is waiting outside with someone, so at least he must know where they are. And- clothes. Hokuto needs clothes. He’s only wearing a pair of boxers.
“Two minutes,” Hokuto confirms on the phone, throws it onto the bed and, still squinting and blinking hard, searches around for his clothes from last night. What was he even wearing?
He can’t find anything that belongs to him, but there are several pieces of half-worn clothing thrown onto the back and arm rests of a chair by a desk. From the top of the pile he borrows a pair of black, loose-fitting pants, a white t-shirt, and a terrible yet intriguing yellow zipper jacket with red and orange stripes on the sleeves, and a some kind of a print on the front. Then he haphazardly grabs the bag and the phone, stumbles through a disturbingly blurry, disturbingly unknown living room, slips on the first pair of sneakers he finds in the foyer, and dashes out. He doesn’t have a key, so he just has to close the door after himself and hope that no-one thinks to try the door of the apartment.
The hallway of the apartment building seems quite fancy and just as foreign as the apartment he just left, but at least it’s easy to find an elevator and ride to the ground level. There, a lobby guard clad in a dark uniform politely greets him as he jogs past them on his way out.
Outside, the blurriness of his eyes gets even worse, and the white and gray cars parked at the yard are little more than white, fuzzy blobs to him. One of the cars is parked directly in front of the doors, and Hokuto sincerely hopes that’s his and Juri’s ride because if not, there’s no way he can tell which one it might be.
Hokuto peeks through the window of the back door and frowns when he finds Juri the only person inside - and he’s sitting on the driver’s seat.
Juri leans across the passenger’s seat to push open the front door. “Come on, we’re late already!”
Hokuto throws his bag to the back seat sits down to the front, still rubbing his eyes furiously.
“What is it?” Juri asks in a much gentler tone.
“I can’t see,” Hokuto groans in frustration, squeezing his eyes shut and opening them, again and again.
Juri leans closer, looking at him with a quirked brow. “Where are your glasses?”
Hokuto blinks again, this time in confusion. “My… glasses?”
“Your glasses,” Juri repeats like he’s talking to a slow-witted child. “Or contacts? Seriously mate, how is it even possible for you to forget them? Here, borrow mine and go get yours. Quick,” he demands, opens a small lid on the dashboard, picks up a pair of simple, black-rimmed glasses, and pushes Hokuto out of the car with the glasses in his hand.
His vision immediately clears when he slides Juri’s glasses on his head. The other lens feels weird, but it’s not as bad as being without.
Hokuto makes a new, hasty trip upstairs and frantically scans through the apartment until he finds a pair of glasses on the bedside table. He grabs the glasses and, again, sprints to the car. When he flops to Juri’s side bench again, he drops his head back against the head rest, panting. Juri starts the car and turns towards the roadway.
Switching the glasses feels like a relief, like his eyes can finally settle and relax as well. He turns to return Juri’s glasses - and now that he finally gets a proper look at Juri, he’s got to blink again.
Juri is wearing a black baseball cap and a red plait winter jacket, and there are half a dozen golden rings on his fingers. All of that is, if new, definitely on brand for him. What disturbs Hokuto aren’t his new clothes, but his face. It’s somehow narrower than it should be, with a jawline so sharp, it makes Hokuto want to touch it. Juri looks so mature and cool, Hokuto doesn’t even know how to react to it.
“What happened?” Juri asks, glaring at Hokuto with his brows raised as he starts the car and heads to the driveway. “Didn’t your alarm bell ring?” Then, his voice goes softer again. “We are already late, but I can stop at some konbini if you want me to. You’d better eat something.”
Hokuto shakes his head, still unable to speak. Then, finally, he stammers, “What happened to you?”
“What? Oh yeah, I cut my hair yesterday. I figured you’d all see it today anyway, so didn’t bother sending any photos.”
Right. His hair. Hokuto can’t even see it from under the cap.
The smartphone in the pocket of Hokuto’s pants is in an uncomfortable position, and Hokuto fishes it out, turning it in his hands. It’s huge when compared to his own, and he wonders who he should return it to. He taps the screen. The lock screen wallpaper is a photo of an adorable sheltie dog. He swipes the screen, and it doesn’t even ask for a passcode. Whoever owns the phone, they have a terrible sense of smartphone security.
“So, coffee? A breadroll? Anything?” Juri asks, and Hokuto quickly puts the phone down.
“I- I’m fine. Just. You’re…driving?” At seventeen is what Hokuto doesn’t add because it should be obvious.
Juri glances at him like he just said something extremely dumb. “Yes? We literally agreed on that last night.” He narrows his eyes. “Have you slept at all? I can deal without sleep for one night every now and then but you shouldn’t even try. Please don’t tell me you played the Suika game for the whole night or something?”
“The Suika game?” Hokuto repeats, and Juri rolls his eyes.
“Right. Ha ha, you’re funny.” He chuckles. “Just. I know everything about sleep deprivation, both involuntary and self-inflicted. Don’t follow my footsteps, okay? That’s all I ask.”
Hokuto nods. Maybe he did sleep badly. He sure feels like he’s half asleep still. Something’s off but he can’t quite get his hands on what it is.
Thankfully, Juri doesn’t speak much for the rest of the drive, so Hokuto has time to try and clear his head. He fervently searches through his brain, trying to remember what he did last night. Where was he? With whom? Whose bed did he sleep in, whose clothes is he wearing, and since when has he needed eyeglasses?
Juri puts on the blinker and leans ahead to see nobody is coming towards them before he turns at the crossroad.
“Um. Juri?”
“Hmm?”
“Where are we going?”
He knows he shouldn’t have asked the moment he sees Juri’s expression of worry.
“Honestly, Hokuto-”
“Nevermind,” Hokuto says quickly. “I just remembered. Sorry. I guess I did sleep terribly.”
They end up driving to the company parking hall, and Hokuto feels some of the tension melt away from his shoulders. Everything else is somehow weird and twisted this morning, but at least now he knows where he is.
Juri stops the car in the parking hall next to a couple of light gray vans with a dozen people standing around them. They seem like a filming crew of some sort, Hokuto notes as he opens the door. He slips out of the car, but freezes midway out, when his eyes land on one of the people in the crowd.
It’s Jesse. Jesse has got a mustache and a beard. He is also ridiculously tall and handsome, like an actual Hollywood star. He has a mustache and a beard.
“Where have you two been?” Alarmed, Hokuto realizes the person talking to him is Taiga, who steps out from behind a staff member, carrying a camera bag of some sort. Taiga’s face is narrower too, his eyes and brows darker than expected. There is the kind of elegant maturity in his movements that Hokuto has never noticed before. It suits him well, making him look weirdly hot the same way Juri and Jesse suddenly are.
Juri snorts as he walks around the car and stops by Hokuto’s side, throwing his arm around Hokuto’s shoulders. “I almost had to drag Sleeping Beauty out of his bed.”
“You overslept?” It’s Kochi, and while he definitely looks familiar, his face is also much more mature, with actual tiny wrinkles gathering at the corners of his eyes when he grins at Hokuto. The unfamiliar staff members hanging around laugh along with him.
Then, from behind the other gray van, strides out one more person, and it’s a good thing Hokuto is still holding on to the door of Juri’s car, because it’s Shintaro, and nothing Hokuto has yet seen could have prepared him to what he is seeing now.
Shintaro is taller too, and his shoulders look so broad even with the coat he is wearing. His skin looks sunkissed in a way that few people have in January. He has cool blond highlights in his hair, and a couple of dangling rings on his ears. On top of everything he has a mustache and a beard, too, and Hokuto’s stomach drops with a sudden burning feeling of want. Shintaro has always been good-looking in his eyes, but here, now, he must be the hottest man Hokuto has ever seen.
“Morning, sleepyhead,” Shintaro says with a tender smile, eyes twinkling with amusement like they always do, and Hokuto’s heart squeezes itself into a tight little ball of emotions. “I thought you went to bed early? Slept around the clock, then?”
Hokuto isn’t following at all. He simply can’t wrap his brain around what is going on around him. He’s with Shintaro and everyone else, the six of them, and they all look - no, they don’t just look grown-up, they are suddenly older, and nobody thinks it’s weird at all. And he still has the persistent feeling of something being wrong.
A couple of unknown kids pass by, politely nodding at Hokuto and all the others. Hokuto doesn’t know who they are, but they must be other Juniors, as they look like they might be highschoolers around the same age as Hokuto, Shintaro and the rest. Expect that none the others look their age today.
Suddenly, it’s as obvious as it always is when the realization finally hits: he’s dreaming. That’s it. He is asleep and is having a dream in which everyone is older. That’s why he kept feeling funny, because that’s just what dreams often are like: it’s possible to see the weirdest things and gracefully accept it all with a mere shrug.
The realization is bittersweet, because Hokuto already likes this strange reality where his favorite people in the world are incredibly hot adults. But it all makes sense now, and from now on he can just enjoy the ride as long as it lasts. Suddenly, it's much easier to blend in. He’ll just play along and see what’s going to happen in the dream.
The people around him are packing the two vans for something, and Hokuto quietly watches and listens as the others talk.
Notable point number one: They are a proper group, and it sounds a lot like they might even have debuted together when someone mentions their latest album. They seem to be going under the name Stones. He can't quite get the meaning, but there must be some profound symbolism in it. There always is. It’s a cool name though. Makes him think about the Rolling Stones.
Notable point number two: The company seems to have undergone some serious renovations during the past year or so. All the company-owned equipment is tagged with the new name. A strange thing for him to dream about, really.
Notable point number three: They have actual, official, company-sanctioned social media platforms now, and that's the reason they're standing at the parking hall. The Stones are about to shoot a video for their own Youtube channel.
All in all, Hokuto can only marvel at the imagination of his subconscious mind.
After a few more minutes of preparations the people pack themselves into the vans: the Stones members into one, the staff into another. Juri takes the driver's seat again with Jesse as his map reader. Taiga and Kochi sit in the middle row, and Hokuto slips into the back seat next to Shintaro, who barely waits until the door is closed before shedding off his coat. He just pulls his arms out of the sleeves and leaves the jacket behind his back. Then he reaches up to fasten a company-owned smartphone on an octopus tripod attached to the head rest of the middle seat. Hokuto has to bite his lower lip as he watches the operation, because even Shintaro's hands are madly handsome.
A visible shiver runs through him, and Shintaro frowns.
“Are you cold? Where’s your coat?”
Hokuto looks down at his brightly colored jacket. “Uh. I left so quickly, I didn’t have time to grab a coat.”
Shaking his head with a fond smile, Shintaro pulls his own coat from behind his back and wraps it around Hokuto’s shoulders, and Hokuto kind of wants to squeal because is the Shintaro of his dreams also a Disney Prince or what?
“You should keep it on until the car warms up,” Shintaro says. “And I took a phone for you too. Here,” he continues and hands Hokuto another company-owned smartphone.
Hokuto takes the phone and hesitates for a moment before attaching it on another octopus tripod on his side of the car, just like Shintaro did. Shintaro unlocks the phone on his side but he’s too fast for Hokuto to see the passcode. Next, Shintaro opens the camera app and switches to the video camera mode. Are they going to have the cameras filming them the whole way? It sounds like an uncomfortable idea.
It’s a dream, Hokuto reminds himself. Nothing bad can happen.
“Uh. What’s the passcode for the phone?” he asks and tries not to wince at the surprised look that Shintaro throws at him.
Shintaro tells him the code, but his brows are knitted into a small frown. Trying to ignore Shintaro’s gaze, Hokuto turns to unlock the phone and finds the camera app. He switches the video to the front camera, and his own face appears on the screen.
He can’t stop a sharp inhale at the sight, because he looks so strange. It’s definitely him, but he’s also different, and. Is this what he looks like when he’s older? His features are somehow plainer than the other members’ of course, but still - he looks good. His hair is short and black as expected, but just like with everyone else, the shape of his face is sharper than it should be, and there’s something mature in his own eyes too that he hasn’t seen before. On the corner of his mouth there is a new mole that he doesn’t recognize, but it’s quite cute actually, like a prominent charm point.
“Hokuto-” Shintaro starts quietly, but he is interrupted by Juri, who yells at everyone from the driver’s seat.
“Hey everyone, I came up with an idea for a video last night! We should book driving lessons for Jesse!”
Everyone laughs, Jesse the loudest of all, and it’s heartwarming to hear his familiar cackle. He sounds so happy, just sitting in the same car with everyone else.
“Maybe a lesson or five for Taiga, too,” Shintaro suggests, and everyone laughs again. It’s unclear why Taiga needs so many lessons, but Hokuto joins the laughter anyway, until Taiga glances across his shoulder, grinning.
“You’re one to laugh! What makes you think you’re not getting lessons as well?”
“Yeah, Hokuto,” Juri bellows over everyone’s laughter. “When did you last drive a car?”
Startled, Hokuto falls quiet. He can’t read the tone of Juri’s voice at all. Apparently it’s been some time since the Hokuto in this time period has sat behind a steering wheel. But surely that guy at least has a driving license? After all, Hokuto has already been planning to start taking lessons this very summer so he can take the exam as soon as he turns eighteen. Not that he’s going to have much use for a driving license here in Tokyo, but he’s already been waiting towards taking his grandparents for a drive in Shizuoka next autumn.
“Exactly,” Juri snorts, and a new burst of laughter rings in the car. Hokuto tries to laugh along with the others, even though he’s starting to feel worried. There’s no way he can keep up the lie for the whole day. It’s probably only a question of time before the others start figuring out that something is wrong.
Shintaro moves his leg so his knee touches Hokuto’s. There’s plenty of room at the back seat so it’s not because he can’t fit on his own side. Not wanting the cameras to record anything they shouldn’t, Hokuto just looks at Shintaro questioningly.
“It’s gonna be almost an hour before we’re there,” Shintaro says quietly, using his hand to guide Hokuto’s head to rest against his own shoulder. “You should get some sleep on the way.”
“The cameras-” Hokuto starts, even though he couldn’t care less if there were ten cameras filming them, as long as he can lean against Shintaro like this.
“They’ll use the footage if you sleep cutely, and if you don’t…well, they’ll probably still use it,” Shintaro says cheerfully. “Just sleep.”
Afraid of the dream ending if he falls asleep in it, Hokuto refuses to actually snooze off. But he does close his eyes for some time, enjoying the sudden moment closeness. The others keep chatting around him, apparently refining the fresh plans for a driving lesson video. The car hums softly, and Shintaro’s warmth together with the faint scent of his laundry detergent is a sweetly comforting combination.
When Hokuto next opens his eyes, the car has stopped and the side door is open, and everyone is climbing out. Hokuto blinks groggily, and it takes him a moment to remember where he is.
“Feeling any better?” Shintaro asks as he stops the recording from his phone, and then leans across Hokuto, to do the same to the other phone.
“Yeah,” Hokuto murmurs, relieved to find out it’s still him, still in the dream world. “Thanks.”
“No problem,” Shintaro says softly, and gently strokes Hokuto’s cheek with his thumb. The easy intimacy of the gesture already makes Hokuto’s breath catch, but then Shintaro cups Hokuto’s head with his hand and leans in to press his lips on Hokuto’s.
It’s a sweet, chaste kiss that only lasts for a few seconds, but it is a kiss. Hokuto startles, pulling away and staring into Shintaro’s wide eyes that mirror his own shock. But before Shintaro can say anything, Hokuto hastily grabs his wrist. He’s not letting his chance pass again.
“Sorry, I- You surprised me, that’s all. Can you…can you kiss me again?”
Shintaro’s bafflement melts into something tender that makes Hokuto’s stomach twist. And when Shintaro closes the distance between them again, Hokuto is ready, leaning eagerly against him and answering to the kiss with his best skill. He’d better make this a memory that he’ll remember for the rest of his life. Shintaro tilts his head and deepens the kiss, his lips soft yet confident against Hokuto’s, and Hokuto’s heart makes somersaults in his chest.
“Alright lovebirds, time to go!”
Mortified and terrified of getting caught, Hokuto springs backwards when Kochi appears at the door of the van, but Shintaro just laughs and makes a face.
“Coming, coming. We just needed a small maintenance break,” he says lightly. “Won’t become a habit.”
That’s a pity, Hokuto muses as he climbs out of the car. He wouldn’t mind kissing Shintaro again. Preferably without an audience. He feels his face flush bright red as he meets Kochi’s eyes, but Kochi only looks mildly amused, not scandalized or surprised.
The realization only hits Hokuto properly as he walks over to a restaurant alongside Shintaro and Kochi. Shintaro kissed him, just like that. He didn’t flirt with Hokuto at all before the kiss, and there was no sign of hesitation or awkwardness in him when he did it. In fact, Shintaro made the kiss feel habitual and simple, as if he has kissed Hokuto a million times before.
What if he has?
His breath catching, Hokuto stares at Shintaro’s back in front of him. Is this…a thing?
Are he and Shintaro together?
~
The others are already lined up in front of the small restaurant, and the cameras immediately start rolling when the six of them are together.
"Hello, we are Stones!" they yell at the cameras, Hokuto along with the others. He dearly hopes he's not supposed to say anything else.
"Today's breakfast is going to be ramen," Juri announces, holding a small white script booklet, and Jesse immediately bursts into laughter.
"Morning ramen, finally!" he shreaks with tears of mirth in his eyes.
"Juri's evening meal you mean," Shintaro says, grinning, making Kochi and Taiga snicker.
"Silence," Juri demands, though he seems to have a hard time containing his laugh himself. "I wasn't done talking!"
"You never are," Jesse points out. Everyone including Juri laughs again and it takes a good while before Juri manages to calm them down. When they finally listen to him again, he launches into a quick explanation of the specialty of the restaurant: tomato ramen. Hokuto tries not to scrunch up his nose in disgust, but he's not sure he manages. Hopefully the staff will cut it out from the actual, published Youtube video. He’s starting to feel light-headed with hunger though, so he’ll just have to deal with whatever is placed in front of him.
There are exactly six seats in the restaurant - the room is absolutely packed once the camera crew follows in after them - and there are tomatoes everywhere. Smiling tomato plushies sit on the counter. The menus on the wall are decorated with hand-drawn tomatoes. Of course there are tomatoes even on the widely smiling restaurant owner’s apron. Hokuto smiles tightly. It almost feels like a mean joke.
“There are ten different options on the menu,” Juri says, showing the menu to one of the cameras so the cameraman can zoom into it. “And I have chosen six of them beforehand.”
“You gonna do your magic again?” Shintaro asks. Hokuto joins the laughter, though he doesn’t quite understand the joke. Juri’s smile is confident when he starts poking on a cardboard menu with his finger, showing the owner the dishes they are going to order while the others chat away.
“Can we have this one with salt broth? Thank you. And please make sure there is absolutely no crab or shrimp in it. One of us is seriously allergic. Thank you so much.”
Hokuto’s ears catch Juri’s words even over Jesse and Taiga’s noisy bantering, and he raises his brows. He doesn’t remember ever telling Juri about his allergies, but it seems he must have at some point. It’s quite touching, the way Juri makes sure Hokuto’s food is safe to eat.
It only takes a moment for the restaurant owner to prepare their dishes, and Hokuto sighs in relief when he receives the bowl Juri chose for him. The only tomatoes that he can see are fresh ones on top of the dish, and thus very easy to pick aside. The broth itself looks and smells like an ordinary salt based broth.
“He did it,” Kochi chuckles, happily squinting at his bowl.
“Yup,” Shintaro says happily. His broth looks like there might be chili flakes floating on the surface of the broth, Hokuto notes.
"For a guy who lives by cup noodles, you're quite something," Jesse praises, already enjoying his meal. Juri beams at them.
Hokuto takes his chopsticks and hesitates, trying to figure out the most discreet way of getting rid of the tomato slices on his food. Maybe he’ll just eat everything around them until the tomatoes are the only thing left. However, before he can even start eating, Taiga leans closer to him and swiftly picks the tomatoes directly into his own mouth.
Hokuto stares at Taiga. Taiga stares back at him.
“What,” Taiga mumbles through his full mouth. “It’s not like you were gonna eat them.”
No, he wasn’t. But how does Taiga know that?
“Thanks,” seems to be the only thing he can say.
“My pleasure,” Taiga says and tilts his head to see Shintaro who sits at Hokuto's other side. “Are you going to eat those?”
“Keep your paws off my tomatoes!”
While they eat, the owner proudly introduces his dishes, which are all his own recipes. Most of them have tomato-based broths but Juri really knew what he was doing, choosing for Hokuto the one dish where the tomatoes are just a decoration. Taiga seems to have gotten the most extreme option that's literally fresh tomatoes on cooked tomatoes in a tomato broth. Maybe there is a noodle or two floating in there as well, but Hokuto can't see them. To him the dish seems rather repulsive, but Taiga seems to love it, so.
How Juri manages to finish his own food about the same time with the others is another mystery, because he keeps chatting with the owner the whole time. He really has the knack of talking to people. It doesn't even feel like small talk, the way he easily gets the man to talk about his recipes and the deeper meanings behind each ingredient. Simultaneously, Juri drops questions and comments to the members, thus pulling them into the conversation as well. Hokuto dodges most of the questions, only offering minimal answers, but even that doesn’t seem to faze Juri at all.
It's new but quite cool. Who knew Juri had such hidden talents in him?
~
After the restaurant they drive about twenty minutes to the next destination. It is a small sports field at a high rooftop with fake grass and some gymnast mats, and the members are handed a bag that contains six sets of hilarious-looking bright blue tracksuits.
Hokuto can’t help side-eying the others while they change in an adjacent changing room. They were already steaming hot with their clothes on, and it's quite a sight when they start taking off their shirts. Unfortunately Shintaro is so quick at it, Hokuto only catches a quick glimpse of his bare, brown back and muscular arms. His mouth goes dry anyway and he quickly directs his attention to his own clothes before the consequences of his ogling will be visible through his pants for everyone in the room. He doesn't think he could bear the humiliation.
He can’t help but wonder about his earlier realization though. Is there something going on between them? Shintaro has kept a polite distance after the kiss, nothing about his behavior giving Hokuto any hint of what might be going on, which is extremely disappointing. Then again, the cameras have been filming them almost the whole time, so it’s not like Shintaro could say or do much, anyway.
He glances up again, noticing that everyone around him seems to have a bit of an own style with their tracksuits. Jesse has stuffed his jacket into his pants, which makes him look a bit like a grandpa in a retirement home, but also rather stylish. Juri carefully moves his golden chains and watch on top of the blue jacket. Again: silly, yet somehow on brand. Shintaro ditches the jacket altogether. Taiga and Kochi dress like normal people would, though Taiga zips the jacket up while Kochi leaves it open so the white shirt is visible. Hokuto looks at the white t-shirt and blue jacket for a moment. Then, just for the fun of it, he puts the jacket on first, pulling the white shirt on top of it. Nobody bats an eye, so it's not too weird.
The game they are about to play seems to be a rematch of something they’ve done before, because the others cheer loudly as Juri announces the task which has something to do with gymnastics. Too bad he brushes off the actual instructions by stating that there will be a textual recap for their viewers on Youtube. Jesse, Taiga, and Shintaro quickly huddle together as a group of three, so Hokuto takes a hesitant step closer to Juri and Kochi, keenly hoping to catch the gist of whatever they’re doing sooner rather than later.
A staff member offers them a bunch of white cardboard cards, and Jesse is the first to pick one card. Two people, he reads aloud, and then something that Hokuto doesn’t quite catch. It’s in Japanese, but the words don’t make any sense when read together. Hokuto feels like an idiot.
“Something like this!” Juri suggests, suddenly circles his arms around Hokuto’s waist from behind, and lifts him up. “Grab his legs!”
Kochi does, and without a warning Hokuto is lifted up in the air.
Startled, and without thinking, Hokuto gasps, “Wait, stop!” and Juri and Kochi quickly lower him down to sit on the mat.
“Did I hurt you?” Kochi asks, forehead scrunching with worry. “Sorry, I didn’t realize- Actually, I don’t know what I did.”
Shintaro and Jesse are frozen in a somewhat similar position, Shintaro dangling Taiga by his armpits while Jesse holds his ankles. It’s a silly sight, made even sillier by the serious looks on their faces.
“Are you all right?” Shintaro asks. How does he look so charming even when he’s frowning?
Hokuto’s cheeks burn with embarrassment as he stumbles up. “Yeah, I am. Sorry. Let’s try again?”
After a couple weird poses he finally gets the point of the game, and it's actually fun. Hokuto’s team wins, and this time, when Juri suddenly dashes to him and leaps into his arms bridal style, Hokuto is ready to catch him. He spins around a few times just for fun, and the others laugh at them when they collapse on the mattress. Lying on his back in a messy bundle of arms and legs, Hokuto laughs so much his stomach hurts with it, and his heart aches bittersweetly at all the fun these guys get to have together.
"Do you have any poses with more people?" Jesse asks eagerly, and whoops loudly when the staff members hand him a few more cardboard cards.
The first of them requires four people. Juri, Jesse, Taiga, and Kochi are the first to step in, so Hokuto withdraws behind the cameras to get a bottle of water from a staff member. He takes a few sips and watches, smiling, as the four members try and fail at their task.
Shintaro picks up a bottle of water too, and quietly moves to Hokuto's side, slightly behind him. Though there are people around, for a moment nobody is paying much attention to them, and Hokuto inhales sharply when Shintaro rests his chin on his shoulder.
"Are your all right, honestly?" he asks in a low voice, discreetly brushing the side of Hokuto's hand with his fingertips. "Wanna come over tonight?"
Hokuto gasps and freezes, skin raising on goose bumps as his mind is suddenly filled with half-defined pictures of Shintaro taking a shower, Shintaro changing into his pajamas, Shintaro going to bed, and Hokuto joining him under the shared duvet and-
“Hokuto?” Shintaro asks. He’s standing so close, warmth radiating from his chest to Hokuto’s back, and even without looking Hokuto can hear the frown in his voice. “I mean it. I can see something’s bothering you.”
How is Hokuto supposed to answer? What exactly is going on between them? And whether or not there is something romantic going on between them, how can he ever imagine fooling Shintaro? Unable to say anything, he flashes a nervous smile at Shintaro and storms back to the others. They have just finished with the pose and are about to choose a new card. Hokuto pushes himself into the front and picks the card so he can join the next silly pose, decidedly dodging Shintaro’s eyes for the rest of the time like the hopeless coward he is.
His firm decision to avoid Shintaro fails as soon as they’re done with the game. While the staff members start to pack up the cameras and other equipment, the members head back to the changing room. Hokuto carefully sticks by Jesse’s side as they go. It might not be the same Jesse he knows, but he is still as comforting with his familiarity as ever. Jesse takes a curious look at him but throws a hand across his shoulder anyway. Only for a short moment though, because Shintaro soon tags to Hokuto’s other side, wrapping his hand around his waist.
“Sorry, Jesse? May I borrow him for a moment?” Shintaro asks with a beaming smile, and Hokuto can only barely keep his own smile from faltering when Jesse takes a step back with a deep mock-bow and leaves them alone.
“We should go change,” Hokuto tries, but Shintaro shoots him a sharp look, and he knows that expression. It's the one that Shintaro always has whenever he is determined to Get Things Done. Shit.
Shintaro drops his hand from Hokuto’s waist and grabs his wrist instead. His hold is tight but not hurtful, and his hand is warm. Hokuto wishes nothing more than to get closer.
Dragging Hokuto behind the corner, Shintaro pushes open a door that leads to a emergency staircase. He pulls them both to stand at the top landing before the stairs and closes the door behind them. It's a narrow, dim space with a couple blurred-glass windows and a brightly shining green emergency exit sign that casts a ghostly cool shade on their faces.
"What's going on?" Shintaro demands. "I get it, you haven't slept much last night, but that's not all. What is it?"
"It's noth-"
"Nope, don't go there. You promised," Shintaro snaps, but his voice still sounds worried and frustrated rather than angry.
Promised what? Hokuto opens his mouth, realizes he doesn't know what to say, and closes it again. He wants to run, but what's the point? Shintaro isn't someone to give up so easily. One of his best qualities has always been his persistence when it comes to important things.
Hokuto swallows, blinking swiftly. Is this it? He’ll have to tell the truth, which will probably shatter the illusion and make him wake up. He'll just open his eyes and find himself in his own bed, lonelier than ever.
Shintaro sighs at the continuing silence, steps closer and takes Hokuto's both hands into his own. “You promised,” he repeats quietly, gently rubbing Hokuto's palms with his thumbs. He looks sad and tired, and Hokuto gets an uncomfortable feeling it’s not the first time Shintaro has had to wrench answers out of him by force. Be it a dream or not, he feels terrible for having upset Shintaro like this.
"I know something's up,” Shintaro continues, his dark, serious eyes scanning Hokuto’s face, searching for any clues from his smallest expressions. “I've been watching you the whole day and - it sounds silly, but it almost feels like you're not my Hokuto at all."
Hokuto winces at Shintaro's hesitant words. He looks at their joined hands.
"I'm…not," he finally admits, and can almost hear Shintaro's confusion. "But," he hastens to add, "I think I will be!"
It really doesn't help the situation. Shintaro stares at him with a puzzled expression that makes Hokuto squirm uncomfortably. How does one even start explaining it? Hi mate, you seem to think I'm your boyfriend and actually I am him, just not the same but another one from eleven years ago, and for some reason it’s me who is here and now.
“Explain,” Shintaro asks and looks like he’s trying hard to be calm and sensible. “Please.”
Hokuto takes a deep, slow breath. Then, he blurts it all out at once so quickly, Shintaro can’t hope to interrupt him.
"So this is going to sound ridiculous, but all of this is really just my dream, in which I've somehow appeared into the future where the six of us are debuted and all happy together, and apparently that happiness includes you and me dating, which is absolutely insane but also great, because I've liked you since forever, and I'm terrified of telling you this, because I might wake up and lose it and I don't want to, because this is literally the best dream I've ever had."
The staircase echoes after his rambling mess of an explanation when he finally snaps his mouth shut.
Shintaro quirks a brow. "I'm pretty sure this is not a dream,” is the first thing he thinks to say. “Like, 150 percent sure." Then he frowns again. Hokuto seems to be causing that a lot today. "Have you hit your head?" He runs his other hand through Hokuto’s hair as if that might help him find a bump on Hokuto’s skull.
"No!" Hokuto insists, shaking his firmly. "I swear it's true, but I honestly don't know what happened! Last night, you guys had your first show at the Theater Crea. I went to watch it, came home and went to sleep. And when I woke up, I was here, and Juri was yelling at me in the phone!"
An interesting assortment of expressions flashes across Shintaro's face. Shintaro is still holding his other hand, and Hokuto squeezes his hand back, trying to somehow convey his sincerity.
"I know it's unbelievable," he says. "And I wouldn't believe it myself, but-"
"When did we get a name? As a group."
The question is so sudden, Hokuto's mouth drops. He meets Shintaro’s expectant gaze and tries to remember if any of the members have mentioned the date during the day. He’s quite sure nobody has said anything related to their name.
"Uh. I don't know. I've concluded you have a name, and that you have debuted too. But I don't know when any of that happened."
"We," Shintaro corrects softly. "You debuted with us."
While the words make an excited thrill run down Hokuto’s spine, he shakes his head in frustration. "I mean, yes of course. I’ve noticed. But it's not me. That's the whole point. I’m not…that Hokuto."
"When did we start dating?" Shintaro presses on, probably not noticing how hard he’s squeezing Hokuto’s hand again. Hokuto lets out a small, embarrassed laugh.
"You tell me. Are we dating?"
Shintaro's eyes widen, a mixture of surprise and hurt flashing on his face.
"I promise I'm not joking," Hokuto says quickly. "I’d never joke about something like that. And... I meant it when I said I like you."
Shintaro hesitates and opens his mouth like he’s about to say something, but before he gets the words out, they hear Jesse's voice calling from the corridor behind the emergency door.
"Hey guys, where are you? Everyone's waiting!"
Hokuto squeezes Shintaro's hand back again. The thing is, Shintaro doesn't even need to believe him, as long as he can at least play along. "Please help me out. I don't want everyone to know. I just want to watch this dream as long as I can!"
Shintaro doesn’t look convinced at all, but he nods slowly, and that's enough for now.
The mere ten minutes they were gone is enough to warrant knowing smiles from the others, and Hokuto doesn't know what to make out of it. Do the others know Shintaro and Hokuto are together? Suddenly, he remembers Kochi’s words at the car by the ramen restaurant. He called them lovebirds, didn’t he? They must know, then. The thought is embarrassing, but it also fills Hokuto with a strange sense of pride.
Hokuto changes from the tracksuit to his own clothes with the swiftness of an experienced Junior and is sincerely thankful of not having any time alone with Shintaro for a while. He can feel Shintaro's gaze following him, but it's all right. It's probably for the best to give the guy some time to process.
At the car Juri stretches his arms up and announces it's Shintaro's turn to drive because he wants to take a nap. Shintaro accepts the suggestion, though he throws a hesitant look at Hokuto. Again, Hokuto decides to take that as a positive sign. Shintaro is thinking about what he said.
It's going to be a full hour until their next stop, and it seems like the drive will serve as a break as well, because nobody picks up any company-owned phones. Instead, the group falls into a peaceful lull as soon as the car starts. Jesse, Kochi, and Taiga browse their personal phones. Shintaro puts on some music but it's chill rather than loud, and he turns the volume quite low so he can also hear the route instructions from his phone. Juri pulls his cap down to shadow his eyes, crosses his arms, and leans against Hokuto's shoulder.
"Wake me up five minutes before we're there?" he murmurs.
Hokuto smiles. "I will," he says and shifts a bit so it's more comfortable for them both. Soon Juri's whole body relaxes against Hokuto's side, his breathing going slow and even.
Shintaro steers the car to a highway. Hokuto looks at the changing scenery behind the window; the cars and the houses, and the thin layer of clouds that hides the horizon. Juri twitches and his hand slips from his own thigh to Hokuto's lap, palm up and fingers curling inwards. Hokuto lets it stay where it is.
It's all so natural with these guys, he thinks as his eyes idly linger on Juri's hand. They are so close. They talk when they want to, but are comfortable with silence as well. Their smiles are so easy, their laughters so loud, and they touch each other so often and so easily that Hokuto is jealous about it. It's not like his own members are reserved either, but the mental and physical boundaries between these men seem nearly inexistent in comparison.
His own members, he repeats in his mind, feeling a hint of sadness. There's is no such thing officially, but he still can't help thinking about it. Could it be possible for them, too? Is there anything they could do to make it happen? What did these guys do? He desperately wants to ask the others, but he doesn't know how.
Looking up, he meets Shintaro's thoughtful eyes in the rear mirror. They hold the connection for a couple seconds, until Shintaro has to look at the road again.
"Do ya’ll remember our Crea concerts?" Shintaro asks out of the blue. "The first ones, in 2013."
A weird feeling flutters in Hokuto's stomach. Is this a test? What's Shintaro aiming for?
"Were did that come from?" Kochi asks, surprised. "What are we supposed to remember?"
"I don't know, just. Generally. I happened to find some old photos the other day," Shintaro says, glancing at the rear mirror again. He makes it look nonchalant and conversational, but he looks directly at Hokuto.
"I remember." It's Jesse, and Hokuto's breath catches. "I wanted so much to be on the same stage with you all," Jesse says, voice soft with the bittersweet memory.
"Me too," Hokuto rushes to say, desperately wanting the others to know, to understand. "Everyone told Jesse and me to be grateful for the opportunity, but we really just wanted to be with you." Jesse glances across his shoulder to exchange an understanding smile with him.
"We knew," Juri murmurs, making Hokuto startle with surprise. Juri yawns and languidly rolls his shoulders, but he doesn't lift his head up. "And we missed you both, too."
"We did,” Kochi confirms. “The show was great, but we hoped you’d have been there with us.”
"Your shows were awesome," Hokuto says firmly. "Especially the first evening, you really outdid yourselves."
"I mainly remember being exhausted the whole spring," Taiga admits wistfully. "With the stageplay and the concerts, and training and school. I always felt my voice went groggy towards the evening when I came to the Theatre."
"It didn't show to the audience," Hokuto assures, "and your voice sounded great even though the microphone was broken at the first show."
"It was! How can you even remember such details," Taiga chuckles. Hokuto meets Shintaro's eyes in the rear mirror again.
"I don't know,” he says. Then he adds, “Guess I remember all sorts of silly things. Like when Juri changed some of the rap lines for fun, and when Sanada made Kochi carry him piggyback. And Shintaro's stumbled after landing from a backflip, but you did that funny little somersault right after so it looked like the extra steps were intentional."
"Yeah," Shintaro says slowly. "Now that you mention it."
"I think I went to see you a couple of times," Jesse says, tilting his head. "Not the first show though."
“No, I went there alone,” Hokuto murmurs.
"And to think that we got our name only two years after that. The first of May in 2015," Shintaro says. His voice is loud, and his words sound deliberate somehow. Hokuto raises his brows, thankful for the information, yet still unsure of what Shintaro is trying to achieve with this conversation.
"Someone's being nostalgic," Kochi says, but he is smiling, as is everyone else. Even Juri chuckles softly against Hokuto's shoulder, probably without even opening his eyes.
"We should start to plan our ten-year anniversary," Jesse says with a grin.
"We’re literally scheduled to have a planning meeting with the managers next week,” Taiga reminds him. "But, yeah. The next one should definitely be a spectacle!"
"Next year is also the fifth anniversary for our debut," Shintaro reminds everyone. He makes it sound thoughtful, but there’s no doubt he says it for Hokuto's benefit entirely. "I don't think we can ignore it, even if the naming day is more important."
Is Shintaro deliberately using this moment to provide Hokuto some essential information about what's happened between his time and theirs?
"I wonder if they’d let us make a new arrangement of Imitation Rain," Jesse wonders. "It's already dramatic, but like, even more epic? I don’t think Yoshiki-san would oppose. He’s like the guardian angel of everything melodramatic."
"At least we could ask to have concerts on both days," Juri suggests, finally looking up though he still keeps his head on Hokuto’s shoulder. "We'd need to get the next album out right after new years though."
"We can ask," Kochi agrees. "Do you think they’d let us have two more tour days? If not, we could at least have a special concert in January, maybe?"
"Where, though? The domes and arenas are probably already booked full for the next two years,” Taiga ponders. “Of course an online concert is an option, but honestly - I've done enough of those for a lifetime." He makes a face at the thought, and everyone nods resolutely, Hokuto just a second later than the others. As far as he is concerned, online concerts sound like a weird yet interesting new concept, but he's not going to question that now since everyone else seems so united with their opinion.
The rest of the drive passes quickly as the members mull around the topic of their upcoming anniversaries. Hokuto mostly listens to the others, but sometimes he feels like he can offer a suggestion, and the others seem to easily accept his ideas with wide smiles and words of encouragement.
So maybe he has been thrown into deep waters, but at least he knows how to flounder on the surface.
~
The next stop is another restaurant, and again Hokuto is impressed by the speed with which nap-drowsy Juri switches to his host mode.
They're having Nepalese food. Hokuto marvels at all the spicy dishes on the menu and carefully presses the name of the restaurant into his memory so he can come again someday. It only occurs to him later that the whole place might not even exist in his world. It's all so realistic, it's getting harder to remember it's only a dream. The longer he spends in this world, the more he wishes it wasn’t just a dream. That somehow this could be his real future.
One thing is for sure. As soon as he is back in his own life, he is going to do everything in his power to make all this come true
"Hokuto? Are you listening?"
He definitely wasn't, and he flashes a quick, wide smile. Smiles like that tend to fix many things. As expected, the others laugh at him and drop it, but after that Hokuto actually listens to what's going on around him. Along the conversation, Shintaro ends up saving his ass more than once by rushing to answer questions that were actually meant for Hokuto, and Hokuto is genuinely thankful.
It's not that he couldn't trust the guys with his secret. Rather, it's because he doesn't want them to treat him any different. He wants to see them all the way they are, as long as he can.
“Three down, two to go,” Jesse exclaims, stretching his arms high up once they’re done with the meal and out of the restaurant again.
“Video shootings,” Shintaro murmurs into Hokuto’s ear so quietly, nobody else can hear him. Hokuto still doesn’t know for sure whether Shintaro truly believes his story, but at least he is being genuinely and consistently helpful.
The next drive is a short one, and they soon arrive at a tiny movie theater; the kind that probably only shows weirdly artsy indie films.
It would be nice to act in such a movie, Hokuto thinks wistfully as he settles down to his seat between Shintaro and Kochi. He’s been lucky enough to get some more drama roles after Bakaleya, and he would love to keep acting. Not that he’s especially good at it. But maybe he could be, one day. He could probably get better with practice. Maybe he should mention it to the people responsible for the Juniors’ drama castings. What would he say, though? Hi, I probably suck at acting but I’d still like to do it more, so whenever drama productions contact the agency wanting to cast a Junior, could you please offer me to them? No, that’s a terrible idea. But still, maybe one day.
The staff members set up the cameras in front of them and when the recording starts, Hokuto already knows the drill, smiling widely at the camera, waving his hands in front of him, and yelling “Hello, it’s Stones!” with the members.
“There will be old videos of us,” Shintaro quickly whispers. “Just laugh at everything.”
The directive sounds easy enough. The execution proves harder, because when the lights go off and the first video starts, what they are looking at is making of -footage from the last shooting day of Shiritsu Bakaleya Koukou. The six of them stand in a row wearing their school uniforms together with Takaki and the Snow Men, waiting to give their wrap-up speeches.
Hokuto got the DVD box when it was released last summer, but he never came around rewatching the movie, let alone checking out any of the material from behind the scenes. The mere thought hurts too much.
On the screen, Kochi receives his bouquet of flowers and is expected to say something deep about the drama filming experience. Hokuto himself was standing on the front row, so he is on the screen almost the whole time while Kochi talks.
Hokuto stares at his own face, more familiar than anything he has seen during the whole day. Hearing Kochi’s words, he remembers that moment like it was last week, even though it’s already been eight months. He feels his shoulders tense up like they did back then. A lump appears into his throat, and he blinks rapidly, trying to focus on the moment.
After Kochi it’s Jesse’s turn to speak, and then Juri’s. Juri looks very, very young, and a lot like he’s been bawling his eyes out for hours. He kind of did. Hokuto remembers how Juri’s eyes went misty whenever he stopped for too long to think about it being their last day on set.
On the screen Juri’s mouth twists downward several times when he tries to suppress his tears while speaking. In the movie theater the members bawl with laughter, Juri the loudest of all.
“We were so small!” Jesse whoops.
“Look at us!” Taiga cackles and shoves Juri’s shoulder gently with his own shoulder. The Taiga on the screen looks like he’s attending a loved one’s funeral.
Hokuto bites his lower lip, trying to force a smile for the cameras and failing miserably.
Back on the screen Taiga just spoke and received flowers after Juri, and then it was Hokuto’s own turn. He remembers how nauseous he felt that moment, and how hard he tried to come up with something interesting to say.
“Of course I’m sad about us all getting scattered around now, but mostly I’m just thankful for everyone, these guys as well as the staff,” Hokuto on the screen says. “I just really wish we’d get a chance to work together again with these members.”
Those members are sitting around him now; all grown-up, confident, and good-looking. For them, the wrap-up of Bakaleya is just a wistful memory that stopped hurting a long time ago, so it’s okay to laugh at their own weepy faces.
Hands shaking, Hokuto means to take a deep breath, but it turns into a sob in the middle, and another one follows the first. Without missing a beat, Shintaro grabs Hokuto’s hand into his own. At the same time Kochi throws an arm around Hokuto’s shoulders from the other side, warm and soothing as he rubs the back of Hokuto’s neck with his thumb.
On the screen Shintaro is the last of them. He cries all the way through his turn, struggling to speak between his shaky breaths and pressing the heels of his hands over his teary eyes, and Hokuto's heart aches even more. That’s the Shintaro he knows, and he wants to hug him so bad. He wants to tell him it’s alright; that somewhere there is a future in which the six of them are stuck together for good.
By his side the older Shintaro squeezes his hand hard. Hokuto squeezes back.
The video ends, and for a small moment they sit silently.
“What a tearfest,” Jesse finally chuckles, and when Hokuto glances over to the other end of the row, Jesse’s eyes are suspiciously shiny. Next to him Juri wipes his own red-brimmed eyes to his sleeves, though he has a wide grin on his face.
“That was brutal,” Juri huffs. “I had forgotten how terrible it was!”
“Please give us something happier next!” Kochi moans to the staff members who sit over at the side seats, out of the view of the cameras. “Or we’re all gonna need some tissues here.”
“It will be better,” someone promises for their relief.
That, of course, was a lie. It becomes increasingly clear with every second of the next video. It seems to be an encore of their own concert. Everyone is wearing white clothes, though Juri has lost his shirt somewhere, only wearing his pants and a concert towel as a cape around his shoulders. Hokuto doesn’t know what year it is but they still look younger than now.
On the screen Taiga looks at the others. “Since it’s our last concert as Juniors… Can we shout it together?”
“It’s like you actually want us all to start crying,” the younger Kochi exclaims to him.
“The staff really want us to cry!” the older Kochi whines in the movie theater. He has let his arm fall from Hokuto’s shoulders, but he still rests it on the back of Hokuto’s seat.
On the screen the members loiter around the stage, visibly full of emotions and on the brink of tears again, like they want to do it but can’t quite make themselves. Then, finally, they grab each others’ hands and scream their line loud and clear without microphones, together with the audience.
The camera angle changes into a wider shot and Hokuto’s eyes land on the huge title above the stage. SixTONES? Is that how their name is actually spelled? They keep calling themselves Stones all the time so it only vaguely makes any sense. But, well. He’s a Junior working for an idol company. Either way, he’s heard worse.
On the screen the members grab each other into one tight hug, crying, laughing, patting each other’s heads and backs, holding on to each other for a long time and having a private moment of their own while thousands of people watch. It is rather emotional, but this time it’s easier to laugh along with the others. A moment like that is something that Hokuto dearly yearns for, but it’s not his memory, so it doesn’t hit him quite as hard as the first video did. Which of course doesn’t stop him from getting slightly teary along with the others.
After the first two videos it really gets better. The next is a clip of the six of them seeing the promotional video of their debut song for the first time. After that another clip shows them driving around in a van and singing their own songs like karaoke. There are clips of dance practices and clips of them doing all kinds of silly things, much like what they did today. The blue tracksuits make several appearances in the clips, and Hokuto laughs along with everyone else.
Finally, a staff member appears by their side, a laptop in her hands.
“You’ll get to choose the last video by yourself,” she says, and before anyone else can say anything, Shintaro raises his hand.
“Can we watch the Youtube Short from the last time we did this? When Hokuto laughed at the clips so much that he couldn’t breathe?”
Which is how Hokuto ends up watching a full minute of himself giggling uncontrollably at something Shintaro did on a formerly made video. And instead of watching it only once, they see it several times in a row, when the staff just let it repeat all over and over again.
There is something enchanting about the video. That’s him, sitting there in the middle of his members, laughing and squirming and gasping for breath, grinning so hard that his cheeks seem to be hurting. He looks completely unreserved, like he doesn’t care a bit about how he sounds or looks like. The members are the only ones showing on the footage, but there must be a bunch of staff behind the cameras who see him laughing like that too, and the video is on Youtube for anyone in the whole world to see.
The older Hokuto looks so carefree. Relaxed. Comfortable. Happy in some profound way he can’t quite describe.
“Okay, here comes a weird confession,” Jesse says, grinning, “I sometimes rewatch this one when I’m feeling down! That laughter always does the trick.”
Hokuto’s face heats up. “It’s weird,” he mumbles in embarrassment, though he can’t help smiling. Jesse shakes his head incredulously.
“What? It’s not - I love it!“
“Me too,” Shintaro says so softly, the others probably don’t catch it. He still hasn’t let go of Hokuto’s hand. Suddenly, Hokuto’s cheeks feel hot for a whole other way, and he can’t quite look Shintaro into the eyes. He can only hope the staff members editing the day’s videos will consider this bit unsuitable for publishing.
~
The last appointment of the day is a dinner in an izakaya restaurant. They sit around the table, three on each side, and again Juri receives a new script. Their task, while eating and drinking, is to say something nice about all the other members. Apparently the finished video will be published on Valentine’s day, though it is still almost a month ahead.
“Beer for everyone!” Jesse yells as soon as they have the menus. “Big ones for me and Shintaro, small for the others. Right?”
Everyone nods, but Shintaro raises a hand. “A non-alcoholic one for me, I’ll have to drive home tonight.” Then, he narrows his eyes at Hokuto. “And YOU only get lemonade.”
Both the members and the staff laugh as if it’s the funniest joke ever, but Hokuto isn’t amused at all. The asshole knows Hokuto can’t say anything without revealing himself. Then Hokuto remembers the phone - his phone. While the others negotiate what they should order, Hokuto takes the phone from his pocket, opens it, and easily finds the LINE app in which his and Shintaro’s conversation is conveniently pinned on the top.
This body is twenty-eight!!!!!!! he writes furiously and presses send, staring daggers at Shintaro across the table.
Shintaro inconspicuously glances at the screen of his own phone and raises an unimpressed brow. When the waiter brings them the beers, Shintaro doesn’t stop Hokuto from taking one of the smaller glasses, but he quickly taps a message on his own phone. Hokuto takes a look at his phone under the table.
Three beers tops. Your tolerance is shit.
That’s probably reasonable. Hokuto throws Shintaro a look that says “yes, yes, I got it,” and raises his glass for a toast with the others.
“Let’s start with Kyomo,” Juri says, reaching around Hokuto’s back to pat Taiga’s shoulder. “Go.”
Taiga swirls his beer thoughtfully like a fine wine and takes a long sip before he starts. He praises Juri for something he did at their third Tokyo Dome concert last spring, and Hokuto’s eyes widen when he realizes the six of them have actually performed at Tokyo Dome, three days in a row even. He imagines the sea of penlights, glimmering wide and bright like it always did when he backdanced at senpai concerts, but this time it's for his own group.
"Shintaro..." Taiga starts. "I feel like I just know you better than I know anyone." Shintaro smiles at Taiga, nodding like he agrees. They're probably right about it, too. "You've always been the little brother I never had at home, and I'm thankful."
Hokuto smiles as well. That's something he recognizes. It was like that back in his time, and it's nice to hear it's still the same.
"Hokuto," Taiga says and glances at him quickly before looking down at his beer again. "I don't say it often, but I appreciate how considerate you are. You truly notice people around you."
"For example?" Juri quietly prompts.
Taiga doesn't even look up, but he smiles softly. "Like that time when I was practicing for a stageplay and I was so exhausted I almost cried at work though I tried not to let anyone know. But you noticed how tired I was. You didn't make any fuss about it, you just said you'd go to the radio show for me that night and told me to go home and sleep. I know I already thanked you then, but. It really meant a lot to me."
Hokuto doesn't have a memory of that event of course, but he likes what he's hearing. He sincerely wants to be the kind of a person Taiga is describing, and it's nice to hear his grown-up self is clearly doing something right.
"Thank you," Hokuto says, and means it, too.
Taiga throws him a quick smile before moving on to Kochi.
While Taiga talks, Hokuto tries to prepare for his own turn. It's easy enough to come up with nice things to say about the others. The problem is, how to pass the task without revealing he's missing eleven years of shared memories. Shintaro has been able to save him several times during the day, but he can't do this for him.
Hokuto’s turn is right after Taiga, and even when the others turn to look at him expectantly, he's still not sure where he's going. But he knows how to start.
"Jesse," he says and meets Jesse's eyes across the table. "We talked about this earlier, but. I want to bring it up again. Once, I told you I liked being with you, but that I'd prefer to be together with everyone. Remember?"
Jesse nods quietly, and the look in his eyes reveals he already knows what Hokuto is about to say.
"I was right, wasn't I? That it's fun to be alone with you, but it's even better to be alone with you with the others."
Touched, Jesse chuckles softly. "Aren't you feeling philosophical today."
Hokuto raises a smug brow. "Sometimes I am."
Then, he looks at Juri. "I like the way you never hesitate to let people know you like them and care about them. You don't necessarily say it, but it shows. Like today, at the restaurant when you remembered my allergies. I really appreciated it, and not only because it literally saves me from asphyxia."
"Of course," Juri says, and the tenderness in his voice and smile finally makes Hokuto understand the point of this whole task. It's going to make the sweetest video ever, and there's no doubt that the staff knew it.
Hokuto smiles back to Juri, and turns to look at Taiga next. "Kyomocchan," he starts. Taiga's eyes widen like he’s surprised, which is weird because Hokuto hasn’t even said anything yet. “You’re one of the most capable and trustworthy people I’ve ever known. You simply get things done, and it feels safe to work with you, because I know I can always rely on you.”
It’s a bit embarrassing to say all that out loud, but he means every word, and Taiga deserves to know it.
“I… Thank you,” Taiga stammers, like he doesn’t know what to say. Hokuto isn’t quite sure which part of it is so unbelievable to Taiga, but it’s somehow satisfying to see his compliments hit home so well.
He looks up to Shintaro who, with his narrowed twinkling eyes and tensed yet upturned lips looks like he’s holding back an amused laughter. Hokuto's stomach tickles with pleasant butterflies when he looks at Shintaro. There are so many things he'd like to say, but he'll have to choose something that can be published on the Youtube channel.
“I’ve always admired your straightforward sincerity. But it’s not just that," Hokuto says and pauses for a second, just to be a bit dramatic for the sake of the cameras. "You know how some people pride themselves on always being honest while they're really just being brutal and hurtful. You're never like that. It’s that kindness in your honesty that made me- that I appreciate so much, I mean.”
For once, it seems like Shintaro doesn't know what to say. Hokuto wants to kiss him so bad. Better move on. Besides, he already knows what he wants to tell Kochi.
"What I appreciate about you the most," he says, smiling at Kochi, “is your loyalty. And you’ve been like that as long as I can remember knowing you.” Hokuto falls quiet for a moment, hesitating, and like earlier, Juri gives him an encouraging nod, indicating that he should elaborate. But it’s not that; Hokuto has an example. He just hesitates speaking it out. It’s been a couple years, but it’s still a bit of a sore spot.
“When Fuma and Kento got to debut,” Hokuto finally starts, and yeah, it still stings. It hurt when B. I. Shadow was broken apart. It hurt when he and Kochi were cast aside while the two others got to shine. “I was so jealous to them, I didn’t know what to do with myself, though I tried not to show it. But you were so graceful about it even then, and managed to stay loyal to us all. You were nice to Fuma and Kento the whole time, comforted me, and sometimes even stopped me from saying things to Fuma and Kento that I might have regretted later. You kept reminding me how none of us can choose what happens to us in the entertainment business.”
“You said that? What a liar!” Jesse snorts, and Kochi makes a face at him, smiling sheepishly like they’re both in some shared secret.
Frowning, Hokuto looks at Jesse, then at Kochi. “I’m not following.”
“About no-one getting to choose,” Jesse says, obviously thinking he is clarifying something when he’s most definitely not. “When he literally chose you over debuting.”
Heartbeat picking up, Hokuto sits up straighter, frowning at Kochi. “What does he mean?”
Kochi raises a brow, wrapping his fingers around his glass of beer and chuckling softly, like he is embarrassed to talk about the whole thing. “You know what I did,” he says lightly, trying to brush it off.
Hokuto catches Shintaro’s eyes across the table. Shintaro answers with a steady gaze and a small nod. So he knows the story too. Hokuto swallows, trying to smile through his shock while his mind is buzzing like mad. There is a story, and everyone else knows what it is.
“Right. I-” he says, fiddling with the fabric of his sleeve between his fingertips. He’s got to collect himself. “Why don’t you recall the story for our viewers?” he suggests, trying not to look quite as hopeful as he feels.
“Yeah, come on,” Juri suddenly says. Dear, wonderful Juri. Hokuto could almost kiss him. Almost. “It’s a great story!”
“I’ve talked about it in an interview before,” Kochi points out, but his smile shows that he’s yielding already.
“Years ago. I bet not half of our current viewers have read it,” Juri insists. “Come on, story time!”
Kochi takes a sip of his beer, sighs and makes a face. “It’s not a long story. It was 2011 and I was summoned to meet the boss. When I entered the room, he was staring at a whiteboard with some names written on it. Fuma and Kento’s names were there, and mine too, as well as some other Juniors’. But Hokuto’s wasn’t, and the boss was pondering about it like ‘what should I do about Matsumura’. I didn’t know what it was about, but for some reason I told him I was fine with being left out of it too. Some time after that the boss called me again and asked me if I was sure, so I told him again I wanted to stay with Hokuto, whatever would come.“ He takes another sip, looking thoughtful. “I guess it was the best decision I ever made in my life.”
Hokuto’s lower lip wants to tremble, but he’s supposed to already have been familiar with the story, so he forces his facial muscles to relax so nothing on his face will betray his surge of emotion. Kochi chose to stay with him. He chose to stay even though he could have debuted with Fuma and Kento.
“And aren’t we lucky for that! Imagine, if you guys had debuted then, you wouldn’t have been there with us for Bakaleya!” Shintaro says loudly and throws his arms around Kochi and Jesse’s shoulders, drawing all the attention to himself. Whether it’s intentional or not, it doesn’t matter. Hokuto is thankful for getting the small moment to calm himself down.
“There will be a lot of ifs and buts if you go down that lane,” Taiga chuckles. “Isn’t it Juri’s turn? Otherwise we’ll be here until midnight and I bet the staff want to get home at some point.”
Juri launches to listing all their good qualities, and Hokuto quickly glances at Taiga. “Thanks,” he whispers so quietly, Taiga probably reads the word from his lips instead of hearing it.
“Anytime,” Taiga whispers back before he quickly looks up again, listening to what Juri has to say.
Juri’s round is quicker, and although he makes it funny and uplifting rather than touching, it’s easy to see he means it all in earnest. After him Jesse launches into a silly yet sincere list of compliments.
“I’m so glad you took my advice back then,” is Jesse’s message to Hokuto, his smile wide and genuine. “I was worried you might be stupid about it forever, but you wasn’t! You told the manager you’d like to act more, and look at you now. You’re at…what? Six movies and eleven dramas within five years? So there, you said your dream aloud and it came true, and I’m so proud of you!”
Hokuto blinks hard. It’s getting ridiculous. Since when has he been such a crybaby? And Jesse’s words, can they be true? Movies and dramas, and-
“Thank you,” he manages, and Jesse winks at him.
“Just thank yourself. I always knew you had it in you.”
“Have you really only had one beer?” Juri asks incredulously, peeking into Hokuto’s empty glass. “What’s with all the sentimentality?”
“Just wait until tomorrow,” Kochi says, grinning. “There will be a thousand-character long essay on his blog about how much he loves this group.”
What blog, and since when has he publicly shared his inner feelings about anything? Hokuto has no idea, but he nods along because it’s clear that’s what they expect of him.
Before starting his own turn Shintaro takes a long, thoughtful sip from his beer. “So many nice things have already been said tonight,” he points out, “and I agree with all of them. But I’ll try to come up with some things that haven’t yet been mentioned.”
Hokuto quietly straightens his legs under the table, stretching them to the other side. His toes meet Shintaro’s, and he slips his other foot between Shintaro’s ankles. Shintaro rubs the side of Hokuto’s foot with the tip of his sneaker.
“We’ve discussed the past a lot today. Earlier at the van, and when we watched the videos at the movie theater. So I’m going to continue on that theme, and I’ll start with Hokuto,” Shintaro says slowly like he is carefully considering every word. It’s hard to read his expression when he’s so serious.
Then Shintaro looks steadily into Hokuto’s eyes. “I’m proud of who you are now, Hokuto. For all the reasons already mentioned. But I’m also proud of who you were when you were younger. Like when you were seventeen.”
Hokuto’s skin raises to goose bumps. By now he has heard many nice things said about the grown-up Hokuto they know, and he’s been glad to hear all those things. But now, Shintaro is talking to him.
“I remember you didn’t have an easy time at all back then. You were friendly and funny, but also terribly insecure and lonely, and desperate to prove yourself. But you didn’t give up. You worked hard and made it through. You meant a lot to us then, and you mean a lot to us now.”
Under the table, Shintaro emphasizes his words by squeezing Hokuto’s foot between his own feet before he quickly moves on. He gives such serious, well-thought compliments to everyone, and even though Hokuto would like to pay attention to what Shintaro is saying to the others, he can hardly concentrate. He repeats Shintaro’s words to him in his mind again and again, wanting to press them so deeply in his memory, he’ll never forget.
Afterwards, both the members and the staff collectively agree that the video is absolutely going to be a fan-favorite. The atmosphere of sincere openness lingers even after all the cameras have been put away for good, and Hokuto loves the relaxed, soft-voiced chatting that bubbles in the car on the way home.
This time, a staff member joins them and sits on the driver’s seat, which is great because it means Hokuto gets to sit next to Shintaro again. The sky is dark and the city lights twinkle behind the windows of the car, and Hokuto feels all fuzzy and content at the back seat. At some point Shintaro puts his hand on Hokuto’s knee, palm side up, and wiggles his fingers until Hokuto puts his own hand on Shintaro’s.
“Hey,” Shintaro murmurs quietly, “can I look at your phone? You have all your appointments on your calendar there.”
Hokuto fishes the phone from his pocket and offers it to Shintaro. Shintaro squeezes Hokuto’s other hand as he takes the phone with the other. He taps the screen, deliberately raises it in front of Hokuto’s face, and the phone unlocks. That’s the trick? His face unlocks the thing? How cool is that?
Shintaro finds the calendar app and skims through the next day. “Nothing in the morning,” he says under his breath and smiles. “So, did you want to come over tonight? I’d like some private time to talk with you.”
Hokuto feels his stomach drop, once again thinking about spending the night with Shintaro. Even if Shintaro really just want to talk. He still can’t stop the imagery that floods his mind; sitting on a bed with Shintaro, holding hands, maybe kissing, maybe -
“Hokuto?”
Holding his breath, Hokuto looks up and hopes against hope that his body won’t catch up with his thoughts. He certainly doesn’t need a fucking hard-on while sitting in a van with all the other members.
“Sure,” he stammers, trying to smile.
Looking at Shintaro was a huge mistake of course, because it definitely doesn’t help him to calm down. His whole body seems to yearn for the man. Shintaro’s hand feels hot in his own, and his heartbeat speeds up when he meets Shintaro’s big, dark eyes. Any minute now, Hokuto will embarrass himself. He’s sure Shintaro wouldn’t say anything to the others, but still. Hokuto has nothing he could use to cover his lap.
But nothing happens. His body tingles pleasantly, but his dick doesn’t seem to be in a hurry. If this is how life is going to be, Hokuto can’t wait to be twenty-eight for real.
A choir of thankyous and goodjobtodays and goodnights ensues at the company garage before both the members and the staff scatter around, leaving towards their homes. Hokuto follows after Shintaro to the other side of the garage, and stops when he realizes the vehicle Shintaro is going to drive is a motorcycle.
“I don’t have a helmet,” he blurts out the obvious. Shintaro glances across his shoulder with a wicked smile, opens the tail pack, and hands Hokuto a shiny black helmet, similar to the one that’s already hanging on the handlebar.
“Here,” Shintaro says and pushes the helmet into Hokuto’s head, crouching a bit so he can fasten the strap under his chin. Hokuto raises his brows, and Shintaro chuckles. “It’s your helmet.”
Hokuto’s brain momentarily short-circuits over the idea of them routinely traveling like this. Shintaro already looked so cool while driving a car, but the thought of him riding a motorcycle is somehow even better.
Shintaro stuffs their bags into the tail pack, turns to Hokuto, and gently knocks his helmet against Hokuto’s. “Let’s go.”
Hokuto has never traveled on a motorcycle before, but it’s easy enough to wrap his arms around Shintaro’s waist and hold on tight.
~
Shintaro’s home is a mid-size apartment in a tall, new-looking building. The rooms are neat and the furniture looks comfortable, and the best thing of all is a small sheltie dog that dashes to greet them the moment Shintaro opens the front door. The dog barks and yips and jumps against their legs, and Hokuto realizes with a thrill that this must be the dog on his lock screen. He kneels down to scratch the dog behind its ears, and she joyfully wiggles her whole body.
“Her name is Shelly,” Shintaro says and crouches to rub the dog’s fur as well. “She is four years old, and she loves you.”
Hokuto was already smiling, but the smile widens even more at Shintaro’s words, and he leans in to kiss Shelly’s head. “Really? You love me, huh? Then I love you too! What a pretty baby you are!” he coos at the dog in a sweet baby-talk voice.
“Shit,” Shintaro huffs, running his hand through his hair. He’s got a weirdly intense look in his eyes. “Are you sure it’s not really you? It’s not a whole-day-long prank of some kind?”
Hokuto looks up, falling serious again. “It’s not a prank, I swear,” he says quietly. “This all will end once I wake up. You’ll get him back.”
Shintaro raises a brow, but he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he turns back to Shelly. “Shall we get you some food?”
Five minutes later, Shelly receives her dinner, and Hokuto gets a mug of tea and a small bag of snacks. He sits on Shintaro’s couch and sips the tea, waiting for Shintaro to talk. It’s clear on his face that he wants to, but finds it hard to start.
“I don’t remember all the details from 2013 so well,” Shintaro finally admits. “Have we…” He hesitates before rephrasing: “What’s going on with the two of us? In your time. Have we kissed yet? We did once, around that time. Long before anything else happened.”
In Hokuto’s time. A hesitant hope blooms in his chest. What if he’s really been gifted a chance to visit the future? If somehow he’s meant to not only see how things could be, but how they will be?
Having munched down her meal, Shelly trots to them and rubs her side against their knees, asking for scratches. Shintaro idly pets her neck, waiting for Hokuto’s answer.
“We haven’t kissed,” Hokuto says, feeling his face heat up at the prospect. “I… I don’t know what you think about me, really. I like you, but-” It feels bizarre to discuss this with Shintaro. “I’m a chicken. I really want to kiss you. I could have, a couple times, but I always chicken out, and-” He snaps his mouth shut, embarrassed to have said such things.
Shintaro’s mouth twists into a sloppy, carefully controlled smile, but his eyes betray him. They sparkle with barely controlled amusement, and Hokuto puffs his cheeks indignantly.
“You’re laughing at me,” he accuses. “I knew you would.”
“I’m not,” Shintaro says, and lets out the laughter he was trying to stifle. “Sorry, sorry! I swear I don’t laugh at you. I- you have no idea. I spent my best teenage years wanting to make out with you so bad. At some point I thought about it every night, and sometimes I even practiced it with my pillow!”
Hokuto can’t help it. Although he feels an excited, heated drop in his lower belly, he also bursts out into laughter. “You didn’t!” he chokes, unable to connect that image with the cool, cheerful Shintaro he knows.
Shintaro grins sheepishly and makes a face at Shelly, too.
“When did you two get together?” Hokuto asks, now that they are at it. It feels weird to say you two, but we would sound weird as well.
Shintaro’s grin gets softer at the edges when he glances at Hokuto and looks back at Shelly again. The dog nuzzles her head against Shintaro’s palms. “If you guys really are us eleven years ago, it’s gonna take a long time for you,” he finally admits, a hint of wistfulness in his voice. “After that first silly smooch we kissed again on the day I turned nineteen. After that it was…different. But we still were too awkward to make a proper move even after that. We just kept dancing around each other for years.”
They won’t, Hokuto decides. There’s no way he’ll wait even for one more week now that he’s seen what they could have. He doesn’t mind if his life doesn’t go exactly like this other Hokuto’s life. Then he frowns. If this really is their future, could telling Shintaro - his Shintaro - about his feelings perhaps change it too much? What if it’s somehow real and he’ll just mess things up?
It can’t be. He distinctly remembers going to sleep last night. It’s a long, vivid, wonderful dream, but still just a dream. His life is different. He can tell Shintaro.
A clear image flashes in his mind, of them sharing the swing the other night weeks ago. If only he had leaned in then. They could already be together, if he had just dared to kiss Shintaro back then.
“What is it?” Shintaro asks, and Hokuto jolts, realizing he’s been staring ahead and biting his lower lip.
“I should have kissed you at that playground,” Hokuto tells him truthfully. “When we stood on the same swing. I wanted to. But I was too scared.”
Shintaro’s eyes widen like he actually remembers what Hokuto is talking about. Then he smiles wryly. “I was going to. I don’t know why I didn’t.”
Hokuto’s heart beats so fast, he feels giddy with it, and he squeezes his tea mug in his hands.
“You kissed me today. In the morning,” he says slowly, avoiding Shintaro’s eyes. “When you thought it was…the older me.”
Shintaro makes an awkward face. “Yeah, that… Sor-”
“Don’t say you’re sorry!” Hokuto snaps, then blinks, shocked by his own vehemence. “Don’t say you’re sorry,” he repeats in a lower voice, looking up into Shintaro’s eyes. “I…. I liked it. I mean, it’s you.” He helplessly gestures at Shintaro with his hands, and some of his tea splashes on Shelly’s tail. She has curled up into a sleepy ball at Shintaro’s feet and doesn’t even notice.
Shintaro swallows. “Would it be weird to ask if you’d like another kiss?” he asks, looking hesitant. “I… I really want to kiss you, but-“
“Me or him?” Hokuto interjects, and Shintaro makes a face.
“Him,” he admits. “Is it weird for you?”
“It’s not!” Hokuto assures him, finally putting his mug to the small table in front of the couch. Then he sits up straighter, trying to look less eager than he feels, and probably failing marvelously. “I… I want you to.”
Putting his mug to the table as well, Shintaro inches closer. “Are you sure?” he asks, raising a warm hand to cup Hokuto’s head. Hokuto nods quickly, feeling like every fiber in his body is pulling towards Shintaro. He wants to get closer to him, to touch and be touched.
Shintaro strokes Hokuto’s cheek with his thumb and takes off his glasses, carefully setting them to the table by their mugs. The world goes blurry again, but Shintaro is sitting close enough that Hokuto can still see him well enough. His eyes are dark and gentle, and Hokuto’s heart aches because he can tell just how much Shintaro loves him. The older him.
He closes his eyes when Shintaro presses their mouths together.
Shintaro moves slowly, gently easing Hokuto’s mouth open and grazing Hokuto’s lower lip with his teeth. Hokuto shivers, realizing that Shintaro must know exactly how Hokuto likes to be kissed. He tilts his head, allowing Shintaro to deepen the kiss and explore his mouth with his tongue. Hokuto’s hands find Shintaro’s waist, pulling him closer. At the same time Shintaro moves his hand to the back of Hokuto’s head, fingers sliding through his hair and fingertips rubbing his scalp.
“Damn,” Shintaro sighs against Hokuto’s lips and rests his forehead against Hokuto’s. “You taste the same.”
“I look the same,” Hokuto chuckles without opening his eyes, his lips tingling with the heat of the kiss.
“So you do,” Shintaro laughs, shaking his head incredulously. “I say though, this is fucking weird.”
Not wanting the moment to pass, Hokuto squeezes the sides of Shintaro’s shirt in his fists and kisses Shintaro again, just because he can. He imitates Shintaro’s moves, slowly sliding his tongue into Shintaro’s mouth. Shintaro meets him with his own tongue, and Hokuto gasps. Shintaro smiles against Hokuto’s lips and moves on to kiss the corner of Hokuto’s mouth, his cheek, the soft spot under Hokuto’s ear, his neck.
The warmth of Shintaro’s kisses against his skin makes Hokuto shudder. It’s as if there were a direct line from his neck to his dick. The feeling instantly leads to imagining Shintaro’s mouth on him down there and- Hokuto whimpers aloud. Shintaro suddenly sits up.
“Shit,” he gasps, and Hokuto wants to scream in frustration. “I-”
“Do you guys have sex?” Hokuto quickly asks. He’s feeling embarrassingly short of breath and extremely uncomfortable in his pants, but he is pleased to see Shintaro being slightly out of breath too, and there’s no way he is shying away of it now.
Shintaro blinks. “What?”
“Do you and…the older me have sex? Often?”
“Yeah,” Shintaro says, then narrows his eyes. “We do. Why?”
Hands sweaty and shaky, his heart beating like mad, Hokuto forces himself to meet Shintaro’s eyes. “Could you- no, would you like to-”
“Hokuto-” Shintaro starts hesitantly, but Hokuto rushes to speak again, fearing that Shintaro is about to say something that he might not want to take back.
“Hear me out first, will you?” he asks, and Shintaro nods, looking both curious and dubious at the same time. Hokuto takes a breath. He really, really wants the point to go through to Shintaro.
“I’ve… I’ve never had sex,” he says, forcing the words out of his mouth despite the dreadful wave of embarrassment they cause. “So I wondered if you’d like to- I mean. I don’t care about ‘losing my virginity’ and all that ridiculous stuff, but. I’d still like you to be the… I’d like you to show me how it’s done. I really want to. With you. And you could just imagine I’m…him.”
It’s hard to read Shintaro’s expression. Granted, Hokuto probably wasn’t very clear. But he still can’t help feeling hopeful. At least Shintaro isn’t immediately opposed to the suggestion. In that he isn’t immediately shouting no.
“I wouldn’t mind,” Shintaro admits slowly, frowning as he speaks. “But… don’t you really feel weird about it? At all?”
“Why would it be weird?” Hokuto says eagerly, slightly encouraged. “You guys do it all the time, right? I’m willing, and you seem to be. You don’t think the other me would be opposed to it, do you?”
Shintaro chuckles. “No, I don’t think he would.”
“The only one whose opinion we can’t have is your fifteen-year-old self but it doesn’t really matter because nobody is violating him anyway!”
“Oh, he would have loved to have sex with you,” Shintaro mutters under his breath and narrows his eyes. Then he laughs aloud. “I didn’t remember you were such a sneaky little shit!”
Hokuto shrugs, feeling his mouth twist into a smile. A sudden flush of hopeful anticipation warms his cheeks and circles around in his belly. Then Shintaro stands up and offers Hokuto a hand.
“Alright. Come on, champ. I’ll show you how it’s done.”
“I promise to teach you when I go back home,” Hokuto says smirking, and Shintaro snorts.
“Please do. Heaven knows he needs it.”
Them moving from the couch alerts Shelly as well, and she jumps up, eagerly wagging her tail.
“Wait, does she need to go out?” Hokuto asks, worried.
“A hired dog sitter took her out for the long walk today afternoon,” Shintaro reassures him. “And I’ll take her out for a couple minutes just before I go to sleep.” He leads Hokuto into his bedroom, careful to close the door slowly so that Shelly neither gets in nor leaves her nose between the door.
“Doesn’t the other me like to have Shelly in the bedroom?” Hokuto asks breathlessly when Shintaro pulls him closer again. It is dark in the room but the street lights outside bring enough light that he can pretty much trace the outlines of Shintaro’s face.
Shintaro nuzzles Hokuto’s neck with his nose and lips. “Nah, we usually don’t care anymore. But I don’t want her to jump on the bed and distract you.”
“That’s- ah- thoughtful of you!” Hokuto gasps, closing his eyes and grabbing a hold on Shintaro’s hips when Shintaro leaves small, teasing kisses on the spot between his neck and shoulder. His fingers clutch on the edge of Shintaro’s shirt and Shintaro smiles against his skin.
“You may take it off if you’d like.”
Hokuto pulls both the jumper and the t-shirt up at once, tugging them over Shintaro’s head and down his arms. He glances up when he drops the shirt, and after Shintaro’s nod he lays his shaky hands on Shintaro’s chest. He draws lines along the muscles with his fingertips, listening carefully to the tiny differences in Shintaro’s breathing and using them as guidelines for what to do again.
When Shintaro takes off Hokuto’s shirts, he pulls their bodies together, wrapping his arms around Hokuto’s waist and dragging firm, strong palms up and down the curves of Hokuto’s back from the shoulder blades to his butt. Hokuto arches against him, tilting his head so Shintaro has more room to kiss his shoulders at the same time.
They move to the bed and get rid of all their clothes in a similar manner, slowly mapping each other’s bodies. Shintaro knows every nook and curve and takes full advantage of his familiarity with Hokuto’s body, while Hokuto revels in the thrill of discovering new places and feelings of pleasure from them both. True, Hokuto feels slightly clumsy about it all, but Shintaro never makes him feel embarrassed about his inexperience. Instead, he guides Hokuto to try different things with a low, rough voice that both excites and soothes Hokuto. And he must be doing something right too, judging from the little gasps and moans Shintaro sometimes lets out.
By the time they’re fully naked, they’re also hard. When Hokuto finally drops Shintaro’s boxers over the edge of the bed, Shintaro is lying on his back, resting his upper body on his elbows, and looking up at Hokuto. There is an invitation in his eyes, and Hokuto follows it. Sitting by Shintaro’s side, he wraps his fingers around Shintaro’s dick and gives it a tentative stroke. Shintaro hums approvingly and encourages him to continue.
“Which way do we usually do it?” Hokuto asks, rubbing the underside of Shintaro’s dick with his thumb. It’s a fascinating feeling to touch a dick that’s not his own, and see Shintaro’s reactions while doing so.
“Want me to show you?” Shintaro asks, a grin in his voice. When Hokuto nods, he sits up and pushes Hokuto down instead. He spreads Hokuto’s legs apart and easily settles to lie between them, hands on both sides of Hokuto’s head. Then he smoothly rolls his hips against Hokuto’s so their crotches rub together. Hokuto whimpers aloud feeling hot and cold at the same time.
“Like this,” Shintaro murmurs. “I like to see your face when I fuck you.”
“Yeah, great, now please do it,” Hokuto gasps, bucking his hips up to meet Shintaro’s. “Him, though? You mean when you… fuck him.”
“Him, yes. But you’re the one who is here now,” Shintaro chuckles. “Can you reach the bedside table? There’s a bottle of lube in the drawer.”
Twisting his body under Shintaro, Hokuto stretches his arm up and behind until he finds the drawer and gropes for the bottle.
Finding the bottle, Hokuto hands it to Shintaro who hums. “Alright, I gotta ask. Are you familiar with the technicalities?”
“Pretty much,” Hokuto says, burning with anticipation.
“Good.” Shintaro rolls to Hokuto’s side, pouring some lube on his fingers. “Keep your legs open,” he murmurs against Hokuto’s lips. “I’ll only use one finger first. It shouldn’t hurt - I know you can easily take three.”
The feeling is strange and new, but Shintaro was right; it doesn’t hurt at all. And when Shintaro moves his finger just right, Hokuto squirms in pleasure, hazily wondering why he’s never thought to do this by himself because it’s absolutely amazing. And it only gets better when Shintaro gives him another finger. Hokuto can only close his eyes and moan aloud, and when his hand lands on Shintaro’s neck, Shintaro leans down to kiss him deeply, intimately, until the only thing filling Hokuto’s mind is Shintaro’s hands and mouth and body on him.
Just when it’s about to be too much, Shintaro slows down. “Close?” he asks breathlessly. Hokuto nods speechlessly, and Shintaro smiles. “Want a breather?” Hokuto nods again, and Shintaro pulls his fingers out, leaving him disappointed and relieved at the same time; disappointed because of the empty feeling that stays after such an intimate touch, relieved for the chance to relax his muscles and cut the worst edge of the intensity that was starting to get overwhelming.
Shintaro rests his sticky hand on Hokuto’s stomach, drawing slow circles on the skin around his belly button. Hokuto takes a few deep breaths, pulling his lungs full of air and letting it go, and only then realizes how shallowly he’s been breathing for a long time. But when he looks up, he feels his breath catch again. His face is lit up by the light of the window, and he’s so close, his features are clear and defined, and his eyes intense when he looks at Hokuto.
“You really love him,” he blurts out, thrilled by the realization.
Some of the intensity in Shintaro’s gaze softens when he smiles. “I think I’ve always loved you. In different ways at different stages of life, but still.”
“Even when… In my time, too?” Hokuto asks, and doesn’t even bother to try hiding the hopeful note in his voice.
“With all the capacity of a fifteen-year-boy, I did,” Shintaro laughs. “Which is very much and very little at the same time.”
Hokuto barks an embarrassed laugh, unsure what to say. Would the Shintaro back at home be ready to get together with him, if he asked? Would he recognize his feelings for what they are, and accept Hokuto’s feelings. Or would he chicken out again like Hokuto has, so many times? He looks at Shintaro, lifting a hand to brush his fingers through Shintaro’s hair. Shintaro turns his head and kisses his wrist.
“Ready to continue?”
“If you are,” Hokuto says and moans when Shintaro leans down to drop small kisses on his chest. Hokuto might have cooled down a bit during the break, but when Shintaro moves to his nipple and sucks on the nub hard, he shudders in pleasure, feeling the burn inside himself again. He wants Shintaro so badly, wants to touch him and make him see stars, too.
He slides a hand between them, dragging his fingers up along Shintaro’s thigh to his dick, finding it almost soft but still damp with precum that hasn’t yet dried off. To his delight however, Shintaro closes his eyes and grunts, obviously aroused. This time he doesn’t hesitate to firmly stroke Shintaro’s dick until it’s hard again, and Shintaro himself is breathing heavily, enjoying his every movement.
He lets Hokuto continue for a while before stopping his hand. “Do you want me to use a condom?”
Hokuto’s stomach twists in anticipation at the question. “Do you usually use condoms?”
Shintaro shakes his head. “No. But it’s messy business, so if you want-”
“I’m fine without,” Hokuto says, wondering if wanting to feel everything, the mess and all, makes him weird.
Shintaro quirks an amused brow. He can’t possibly know what Hokuto is thinking, can he? “Alright then.”
Hokuto watches as Shintaro spreads lube on his dick, and he lets his head fall down to the bed when Shintaro climbs to kneel between his legs, wrapping his arms around Hokuto’s thighs so he can pull Hokuto closer. Then he leans over Hokuto, hands on the mattress, and pushes in. Like everything before, Shintaro’s movement is smooth and practiced. And it’s so easy, Hokuto only feels the pleasure in the intrusion.
“Wow.”
Shintaro laughs again. “Good, huh?”
“Awesome,” Hokuto breaths, and arches his hips, trying to meet Shintaro’s rhythm as they move. He doesn’t quite manage it, and finally Shintaro grabs his hips with one hand, holding himself up with the other.
“Stop,” Shintaro murmurs, lips brushing against Hokuto’s lips. “Think of it like singing in a group. It’s not the two of us doing our thing alone at the same time, but us doing the same thing together. Follow me.”
Shintaro sits up and bucks his hips slowly, holding firmly on Hokuto’s hips and guiding him until he gets the gist of it. And when he speeds up, Hokuto follows with him, loving it all: Shintaro’s deep pushes, his warm hands, his sweaty skin, his low noises.
“Still good?” Shintaro asks, halting for a moment and rubbing the backs of Hokuto’s thighs with his thumbs.
“Yeah,” Hokuto pants, brushing his damp front hair off his sweaty brow. “Yeah, I’m good.”
“So,” Shintaro says and plants a couple butterfly kisses on Hokuto’s left knee. “I told you this is how I like it the best. Wanna know what you like the most?”
Hokuto nods almost frantically. He’s close, aching to come. In fact, he’s surprised he hasn’t already. Once again he is amazed by what his body can do.
“Turn around,” Shintaro says and pulls out, gently helping Hokuto to roll onto his stomach. “And take a pillow under your arms and head, it’s more comfortable like that.”
Shintaro’s body is hot and sweaty and perfect when he lies down, covering Hokuto’s whole body with his own as he slides in. He wraps his arms around Hokuto’s shoulders and kisses Hokuto’s neck, and Hokuto loves the feeling of being completely enclosed like that, Shintaro’s arms around him, his hair tickling Hokuto’s neck, his weight pressing him into the soft mattress, his legs tangled with Hokuto’s. And when Shintaro moves, it hits all the right places, just like Hokuto wants him to. Hokuto shoves his own hand under himself, rubbing his own dick with an open palm because that’s all he has room for.
And finally, it’s too much. “Coming,” Hokuto gasps just before he reaches the peak. His whole body convulses and a broken sob escapes his mouth as he spills himself on his hand. Shintaro moans something affirmative and bucks into him a few more times before he tenses up and shudders as well, then flops on Hokuto, his body completely relaxed.
The room is almost completely quiet, their panting breaths the only sound to break the silence. Hokuto’s whole body feels warm and fuzzy and light. He doesn’t want to move, doesn’t need to move. He feels like could easily lie there forever, basking in the soft, lingering pleasure.
“Don’t go anywhere,” he manages to mumble to Shintaro too, just in case, even though the whole idea seems ridiculous. “A few more minutes.”
“I know,” Shintaro murmurs against Hokuto’s shoulder blade, and Hokuto feels a funny flash of joy about it. For being so similar than the Hokuto whom Shintaro knows.
When Hokuto finally feels like maybe he could move his limbs a little bit, Shintaro rolls off and cuddles up to his side, pulling him into a hug.
“You seemed to like it,” Shintaro murmurs drowsily, and Hokuto snorts against his chest.
“It was okay,” he says lightly. Shintaro laughs and kisses his forehead.
Hokuto doesn’t know what time it is, but they lie there for a while more before Shintaro starts to stretch his limbs and levers himself up to sit on the edge of the bed. Hokuto rolls to his side, watching Shintaro’s back on which the dim light beaming from the window makes beautiful shadows.
“Here’s what we’ll do,” Shintaro says, turning to look at Hokuto. “I’ll take a quick shower and take Shelly out. It will only take ten minutes, and you can shower while I’m gone. And when I come back, we can go back to bed. Is that okay?”
Hokuto accepts the plan, receives a quick kiss on the lips, and snoozes off for the whole of three-or-so minutes that Shintaro uses in the shower.
“Use whatever products you need. The dark gray towel in the bathroom hook is yours, and the blue toothbrush in the cabinet,” Shintaro instructs as he pulls on a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie, and vanishes to the foyer to put a leash on Shelly who was probably sleeping in the living room until then. “See you in a minute!”
The offhand mention makes Hokuto’s cheeks heat up again. He has an own towel and a toothbrush at Shintaro’s apartment. Wonder if there are a towel and a toothbrush for Shintaro at his apartment, too? He didn’t even see his own bathroom in the morning.
Hokuto takes a quick shower, wraps the gray towel around his waist, brushes his teeth, and returns to Shintaro’s bedroom. There, he sits to the bed until he thinks to search for his phone. He finds his jeans on the floor and checks the time first. It’s a bit past midnight. A mighty good thing they don’t have an early morning.
What is there in the morning though? Shintaro checked his phone but he didn’t say what else there might be on Hokuto’s schedule. He quickly locates the calendar app, eyes skimming over his screen.
A heavy, uncomfortable weight of nausea settles in his stomach when he finds out he’ll have three different interviews in the afternoon, and he has no idea what they are about. The notes only say Interview (yoake), whatever that means.
What if it’s not a dream? For the first time during the whole day he stops to consider the terrifying idea of not being able to wake up in his own room, in his own time. What if something unbelievable and impossible has happened and he’s really here in Shintaro’s time, and tomorrow comes and he’s still here? It’s been a wonderful and emotional day, but he really, really is ready to go home now. What if he can’t?
He feels cold all over. Cold and young, and very, very lonely.
The quiet noise of the front door opening alerts Hokuto from his looming panic. He listens Shintaro letting Shelly out of the leash, and hears the soft patter of her paws when she skitters back to her bed in the living room. Shintaro is smiling when he returns to the bedroom, but he stops and frowns when he sees Hokuto’s face.
“What is it?” he asks, peeling off his jumper and sweatpants and sitting to the bed. His hands and cheeks are cool from night air when he leans in for a small kiss.
“I have three interviews scheduled for tomorrow! I can’t go there,” Hokuto stammers, trying to calm himself down. “I have no idea what they want me to talk about! What would I even say? Sorry, I can’t answer your questions but I do have some thoughts on how this company treats its Juniors? How about that?”
For some reason, the corners of Shintaro’s mouth seem to tug up like he can’t help it.
“No,” Shintaro admits, “You probably shouldn’t say that.”
“Then what will I do?” Hokuto knows he’s whining like a child, but he can’t help it. He can’t fix this alone.
“Maybe you should just go home,” Shintaro suggests softly. “To the Shintaro who really likes you but doesn’t have the slightest idea of how to tell it to you.”
“How?”
Shintaro shrugs. “Maybe we could go to sleep for starters. That’s how you came here, isn’t it?” He sits quietly for a while. Then he reaches over to take Hokuto’s hands in his own, a strangely passionate look in his eyes. “Just. Don’t give up. I know you used to consider quitting, but. Don’t give up. There’s a lot for you to see and do, as an idol!”
“I know,” Hokuto whispers. He knows it now. He’s seen it all today. How the six of them stayed together through all the hardships. How skilled and confident they have grown up to be. How much fun they have together. How much they care about each other.
“You just… have to gather some experience points before leveling up, you know. It’s gonna take time, but. It will all turn out fine in the end. Just. Be yourself, and it’s going to be fine.”
Shintaro’s words are surely meant as an encouragement, but they set off something inside Hokuto, that he hadn’t realized was there. He’s exhausted and afraid, and suddenly he can’t stop his eyes welling up with tears.
“What do you think I’m trying to do every damn day,” he cries out. “Everyone tells me to be myself and enjoy the opportunity Jesse and I have been given, but I don’t even know who I am! I go to school and try to hang onto my grades so I can at least get into a good university if this idol thing doesn’t work out, but I don’t know how to make friends there! And after school I go to dance training and I’m lonely again, because it’s just the two of us there, and I know Jesse is lonely too, but at least he seems to know where he’s heading to, while I’m just so fucking lost!”
When he finally shuts up, Shintaro’s eyes are very wide and a bit sad, and terribly, terribly gentle.
“Come here,” he sighs and pulls Hokuto into a tight hug. “Remember what I told you at the restaurant in the evening? I meant it all. It’s awfully hard for you now, but I know you’ll get through it.”
Blinking swiftly, Hokuto presses his face into Shintaro’s shoulder and takes long, slow breaths. Shintaro rubs his palms against Hokuto’s back in big, soothing circles.
“Just don’t give up. Hold on to us even when you feel like a nuisance, and you’ll make it through. You’re one of us, and we won’t let you go.”
“Promise?” Hokuto asks in a tiny voice. Shintaro tightens his hold on him.
“I promise.”
Shintaro pulls them both down, tugs the pillows under their heads, and covers them both with the duvet. Then he pulls Hokuto into his arms. And even though Hokuto is still afraid of the next day when he closes his eyes, he is at least warm and comfortable.
“It’s gonna be alright,” Shintaro whispers.
Hokuto wants to believe him. No, he decides to believe.
~
January 2024
When Shintaro opens his eyes, Hokuto is still asleep. He has rolled to the other side of the bed in his sleep, but he is facing Shintaro, eyes closed and chest raising with long, slow breaths. He has kicked half of the duvet off, only one corner still covering the middle part of his body. He has his other hand curled up under his chin, while the other rests on the mattress, palm side up.
It’s Hokuto. But which one? Shintaro’s stomach flutters restlessly. Yesterday feels like a strange movie, a weird anomaly in his reality.
He reaches across the space between them, and gently weaves his fingers between Hokuto’s.
“Good morning,” He whispers and squeezes Hokuto’s hand, waiting and watching as Hokuto stirs, his eyes slowly fluttering open.
“Morning,” Hokuto mumbles and yawns widely. Then he frowns, twisting his head to look around as he squints to take in the details of the room.
“Why am I here?” he asks, rubbing his eyes with his free palm. “I thought I went home after the dance practice last night.”
The tight, worried feeling in Shintaro’s chest suddenly eases, and he can’t help himself. He rolls over to Hokuto, hugging him and kissing him deeply, morning breath and all. Hokuto answers to his kiss, contently sighing against his lips. The kiss is long and lingering, and after that Shintaro simply stares at Hokuto until Hokuto chuckles questioningly, lifting his hand to slide it through Shintaro’s hair.
“What are you thinking about?”
Shintaro hesitates, not quite sure how to ask about it without sounding like a total lunatic.
“It’s a silly question, but…” he starts slowly. “When you were seventeen, did you ever dream about us?”
Hokuto blinks at him, completely nonplussed. “About you and me? Pretty much all the time. You know I did.”
Yeah, he knows.
“No, I don’t mean like that. More like, uh,” Shintaro falters. Then he decides there’s no way to ask about it sensibly. No amount of careful circling about the topic will make it believable. “Yesterday was weird,” he finally says. “I mean, you were weird. For the whole day you insisted you were seventeen again, like some silly time slip in which your past self traveled to our time. I thought you were pranking us at first, but you truly didn’t seem to have any idea of what’s happened during the past eleven years, and… yeah.”
Hokuto stares at him blankly, as expected, and Shintaro prepares to turn it into a joke. Maybe he could tell Hokuto he drank too much last night and has thus forgotten the whole past day, or-
Suddenly, Hokuto’s eyes slowly widen and his mouth falls open. “I…Yes,” he stammers. “I had completely forgotten, but. I did have such a dream once, and- Wait. Was it…. Was it real?”
They stare at each other, Hokuto’s eyes mirroring the same mixture of confusion and incredulity that Shintaro feels.
“Do you remember anything about it?” Shintaro asks, hoping for - what exactly, he isn’t sure.
“About the dream? Not really. Just…that it was a good one. I had been so depressed for a long time and the day before it was dreadful, but after that… I don’t know. It wasn’t so bad. I remember the next day at work was much better. I felt hopeful.”
Shintaro smiles softly, quietly sending a warm thought over time and place. Hang in there, kiddo.
For a moment they just lie on the bed in silence, staring at each other and trying get some sense about it. Then Hokuto frowns.
“Wait. It was… the younger me for the whole day, you said?”
Shintaro nods. “He said it was him since the moment he woke up, and he stayed until he fell asleep. You probably switched in your sleep.”
“But. What did I do for the whole day?”
Shintaro can’t help the grin that tugs the corners of his mouth as it dawns to him that the younger Hokuto’s memories might not have transferred over. “You don’t remember? At all?”
Frustrated, Hokuto shakes his head.
“You’ll see,” Shintaro says gleefully. “Just follow our Youtube channel this spring.”
~
April 2013
A dazzling bright sunbeam reflecting from the window shines directly on Hokuto’s face. He turns to his back and slowly blinks his eyes open, staring at the ceiling.
He had the strangest dream. It was about Shintaro, but the rest of it is a mess in his head. He rubs his eyes, trying to remember what happened in the dream. He catches quick flashes of different events he knows he’s just seen, but none of them stay long enough for him to grasp onto them. Jesse was there too, and Juri, and Kochi and Taiga. They were together, and… He sighs in frustration when the dream slips further away, just like his dreams so often do, no matter how interesting and vivid they were at night.
Hokuto turns to his side, staring into the air in front of him. His alarm clock hasn’t gone off yet, so he’s not in a hurry.
His head aches slightly from last night’s crying, but otherwise he’s feeling oddly calm. Sleeping truly seems to ease many sorrows, he thinks wryly. Not that he’s ever going to admit that to his mother who always tells him the same thing whenever he’s exhausted and moody.
His eyes land on his bedside lamp and the two omamori charms his mother gave him last night. The golden embroidery on them shines in the morning sun, and the brightness of the light almost makes them glow. For general success, and for the dreams to come true.
Then his eyes focus on the photos he has taped on the wall next to his bed. One of them was taken sometime in the middle of the shooting of Bakaleya. The six of them laugh together at something, he‘s already forgotten what. It’s a good picture, and it makes him smile. They had so much fun together. They still do, whenever they meet each other.
With a wistful leap of his heart he realizes he doesn’t want to give up on those guys. He wants them to be together. It might not be in their hands; they wouldn’t be the first Juniors to get thrown around according to the plans of the management rather than their own wishes. But as long as they’re all still there, working hard towards a common goal, there is some hope left, right?
Stretching his arms and legs, he sits up.
“Time to gather some experience points,” he murmurs to himself, for no reason.