“What is it?”
“Hm?”
“There is something weird…”
Taiga munched his pasta as he kept his eyes down, not bothering to look at Kochi who sat opposite him.
“I've been seeing there's no distance between you two. What is it?” Kochi asked with a smirk in the corner of his lips. His arms crossed over his chest and back laid on the chair, looking so comfortable after finishing his lunch.
Taiga knew Kochi just wanted to confirm all his thoughts about them. He had been expecting Kochi to ask him anyway. But what was he supposed to say?
“I don't get it.”
And Taiga really meant it.
What was he supposed to say? He didn't get it because he himself didn't know what happened between them.
Between him and Hokuto, he didn't understand it.
“Oh c'mon, Taiga. Do you think I'm blind? I know something happened between you two.”
Taiga took a few bites of his slicing tomatoes as he watched from the corner of his eyes, seeing how Kochi adjusted his seat, leaning forward as he placed his elbow on the table, letting his chin rest on his palm.
“Did you finally give an answer?”
“Of what?”
“Of his...”
“What?”
“Invitation…” Kochi sounded a bit irritated by giving a bit of emphasis on his words.
Taiga let a soft sigh escape from his lips before he said, “why would you really want to know? I think this is what everyone wanted to see, me and Hokuto being close to each other.”
“Well, that's true. I can understand that it is your fanservice for them.”
Taiga’s body jolted and moved backward as Kochi stood up from his seat, leaning even more to face him and whispered, “but something happened, right?”
“Too close, Kochi.” Taiga pushed Kochi away as he coughed, hiding his annoyance behind it.
Taiga didn't know why it irritated him, though.
He couldn't tell if it was because of Kochi or because the topic was about Hokuto.
Well, he knew. He just didn't want to talk about it.
How was he supposed to tell Kochi that nothing really happened between him and Hokuto?
Taiga didn't understand. Everything felt too nebulous.
He still remembered how delightful he felt at their new year’s party, when Hokuto started to show a bit of his attention to him.
He still remembered how joyful he was when Hokuto kept being gentle to him during their YouTube filming.
He still remembered how his heart bursted when Hokuto sent him some messages on their group chat, giving him some support for his musical
He still remembered how his breath felt like it stopped when the manager told him that he saw a glimpse of Hokuto walking out through the door after watching his musical.
He still remembered how excited he was when he finally was able to join their radio show on Saturday, after finishing his musical.
He still remembered it wasn't only fans hoping to see them, but also Taiga himself.
He just didn't want to say it out loud.
He didn't even want to let his feelings show on his face when he finally met Hokuto, sitting beside him when he was a temporary MC.
He still remembered how his heart was pounding loud—so loud that he was afraid someone might have heard it—when he saw how good-looking Hokuto was.
Hokuto looked so incredibly handsome. Taiga always admired him in a casual style, seeing how Hokuto looked like a puppy yet alluring.
The atmosphere that they created between them was really chill. Taiga found himself feeling comfortable.
He couldn't deny that he had been missing this moment when he talked on their radio. He thought it would be more comfortable if it was Juri. He couldn't deny that he was nervous when he knew Hokuto was the MC and he couldn't stop thinking how awkward they would be.
But it was just his thoughts.
The moment when he saw Hokuto smiled and led him to sit beside him, Taiga's heart was ready to burst.
When Hokuto was being so gentle yet looked nervous that he didn't even want to look at his eyes, making Taiga's heart swell.
He knew this was the best for them, not to look into each other because Taiga couldn't even think what would happen to his heart if Hokuto locked his eyes on him.
Having a conversation with Hokuto on their radio was fun enough. He didn't want to expect anything. He just wanted to have fun. After going through his difficult time on his musical, Taiga just wanted to have fun. He just wanted to be himself and enjoyed the moment.
And he found himself enjoying the time he spent with Hokuto.
It was fun. It was really fun.
Taiga was being absorbed in the comfortable atmosphere that he didn't hold himself to tell about himself. About his story and about how he felt like he lost his friends during his musical days because of how busy he was.
The words slipped out of his mouth as it was.
It felt sad but it was understandable as well.
So he really meant it when he said that he would like to meet his friends again.
He really loved to go out with his friends again.
But the next thing he heard was unpredictable.
He never thought that Hokuto would ask him to go out with him.
Taiga found himself too stunned to speak for a moment, as he felt his cheeks getting warm. He had to control himself as fast as possible and he was really thankful that they played the jingle behind, making him able to change the topic.
But Taiga couldn't lie that his heart was pounding anew. It was getting louder and louder that it filled his own ears.
Taiga always thought of Hokuto as his friend. His members. But he never thought that Hokuto considered him as his friend. He never thought that Hokuto would ask him to go out with him.
He never wanted to expect.
Although all of Hokuto’s attention he poured to him really warmed his heart, but at the same time, Taiga didn't want to expect more than it.
He didn't want their past repeated. He didn't want it when he started to realize that he loved him, so Hokuto left, creating a huge distance between them.
Creating the big hole in Taiga's heart.
He didn't even ask, he didn't know how to do it. So he left everything as it was. Healing his own heart by following what Hokuto did.
Being awkward.
And he was still doing it until now. It was like an old habit, following what Hokuto did. He let his heart swell in his warmth. He let his heart pounded whenever Hokuto poured his attention on him.
He let himself enjoy it, feeling it all, letting himself be dragged into the same hole.
Until it felt overwhelming.
“Shall we go out?”
It took longer than he thought for Taiga to calm himself. He didn't even know the words spilled from his lips as his mind swirling in the same thing. He couldn't even sleep at night because of his pounding heart.
He couldn't hold his heart not to beat faster whenever Hokuto was around.
He had to hold his breath for a few times whenever Hokuto was staying close to him, sticking with him like a glue.
And that was when he realized, he let himself once again to fall deeper into the same hole.
He let himself accept that his feelings towards Hokuto remained the same.
It never changed.
Not even once.
That was why the indescribable feelings hit him anew as Hokuto asked him to go out with him.
Taiga still couldn't bear the feelings tickling inside him whenever Hokuto gave a little attention to him.
Taiga still couldn't bear the butterfly effects whenever Hokuto stuck to him, being so gentle and kept talking about him everywhere.
He felt overwhelmed.
And it hurt.
Taiga was afraid if he crossed the line, they would go back to the endless awkwardness between them.
Taiga was afraid his heart would get hurt even more if he chose the wrong step.
Taiga was afraid Hokuto would take himself back and built another wall between them.
He was afraid.
But Hokuto was very gentle.
Taiga couldn't help but let himself be wrapped by the warm feelings.
He let himself feel the warmth, but he also let himself get hurt by his own expectations.
His expectation was that Hokuto would ask him again. His expectation was that Hokuto would be braver.
His expectations that Hokuto probably meant something behind all the attention he poured to him.
But Hokuto remained the same.
He kept pouring his attention to him. He kept the distance between them to stay close. He kept his gentleness whenever Taiga talked to him.
Yet Hokuto didn't ask him again. He didn't go any further.
Why?
Was it because Taiga himself didn't respond?
Was it because Hokuto thought Taiga didn't want to?
But why? Hokuto should have asked him again. He should have tried again.
He should have at least tried to bring the topic back so Taiga could reply properly because this time, Taiga would make sure he would say “yes”. He made a promise to himself that he would clear his mind and be braver.
Well, Taiga should have asked Hokuto about it. He could just ask again and Taiga really wanted to do “the first move” this time, but what if Hokuto would reject him? What if Hokuto would say that it was just a joke. What if Hokuto would say that it didn't mean just the two of them, but with their members.
Taiga let out a long sigh as he leaned his head on the table, trying to sort his feelings out. He had a meeting tomorrow and Taiga needed to focus. He couldn't sleep for days because of these feelings that kept haunting him.
He needed to forget it.
Maybe Hokuto was joking.
Maybe Hokuto didn't really mean it.
Even if he really meant it, it could not just be the two of them. Taiga could not imagine how awkward it would be if it was just the two of them.
He could pass the awkwardness because it was a radio. Going out for dinner or having lunch just with Hokuto would feel different.
It would be different.
Taiga couldn't make it. It wouldn't happen.
It would never happen.
Taiga let another long sigh escape his lips as he raised his head. He put all his stuff inside his bag and ignored Kochi’s questions, intending to go home.
His phone vibrated in his pocket as Taiga waited for the elevator. His manager must have waited for him so Taiga needed to hurry.
But his phone vibrated again as he stepped in.
Taiga had to check it. It might be something important from his manager. Taiga could just hope his manager wouldn't leave him alone this time.
“Kyomoto…”
“Would you mind going with me?”
Taiga didn't realize that he had been holding his breath. His eyes widened and his body froze. Thankfully he was alone as he started shaking or people wpuld misunderstood him.
Excitement started running in his veins as he read the name who sent the message.
It was the same person he had never expected would send him a message.
The same person who had been perched in his mind.
The same person he had been waiting for.
Hokuto.
Taiga didn't know what Hokuto thought when he sent him this message. Asking the same thing Taiga had been hoping for.
Taiga didn't know but it didn't matter. He had promised to himself he would make things clear between them. He made sure he would say the thing he was supposed to say a long time ago.
With hands shaking, Taiga typed the text quickly. He made it short but clear enough.
No need to play a riddle again. No need to make a longer text, just a simple, one word, that would change everything between them.
Just one word that made both of them burst.
Just one word.
“Yes!”