Watching you love someone makes me want to cry.
Taiga sat quietly, staring at the screen playing colors over his dark living room.
Covered in the darkness, he watched the form of Hokuto slowly winding his arms around the narrow waist of another.
This wasn't the first time.
It had happened so many times before.
He had long since given up on trying to stop his tears.
The woman beside him, his date, giggled as she put her hand over his.
“Aww Taiga, are you crying?...”
His tears were already rolling down his chin as he watched the pair embrace and narrowed a space that was only reserved for lovers.
They laid together on a small wooden table, facing each other with their fingers interlocking as they were bathed in a warm golden light in an empty room.
Their noses touched. Those sturdy hands Taiga came to know so well brushed through her hair. They caressed her in a way that could only be known as love.
Taiga’s tears fell as the colors blurred. His heart burned as they soaked into his shirt one at a time.
“Just a little.”
“My tear ducts have grown weaker with age.”
Taiga could still remember when it first happened.
It was when they were still young, but the pride and hopes they had from years ago had burned away.
What they thought would be a group didn't happen. They were fragmented into parts and the people who once felt so close suddenly felt like strangers as they stayed on the screen while others drifted into the background.
It had been a while since he had seen Hokuto.
He wasn't really sure what he was expecting, but what he thought would be that warm youthful smile had turned so cold.
They didn't even speak that day, though it had been so long.
Taiga wasn't the type to chase so when Hokuto didn't come to him, he didn't follow after.
There was something stuck in his chest as he shut off the lights in his room and pulled his blanket over his head before using his phone to find what he was looking for.
The Hokuto on his screen was the same age as the Hokuto who still called him by that playful nickname and held his hand.
The drama was dark and suspenseful but in the end, the plot wasn't stuck in his mind. It was the image of the boy who had changed so much in so little time.
What happened?...
Did he do something wrong?
Even though they hardly spoke, had he done something to make Hokuto call him by his full last name again?
He didn't understand. He wasn't really sure if he ever would.
He just knew the way it was making his insides twist in a way he hadn't felt before.
It didn't make any sense.
The scene wasn't even romantic as it showed the couple caught in the rain.
Even as he threw over the both of them to protect them from the rain, there was a tense air.
But as their lips met, his mind went blank.
A drop distorted the image on his small phone screen.
Taiga absentmindedly wiped it off, but it was soon replaced by another and another.
“Huh?...”
When had he started crying?
His eyes began to blur as his tears obscured the video on his phone. He tried to wipe them away, rubbing his sleeves against his eyes and over his cheeks, but they continued to fall.
They wouldn't stop. Even after the episode was long over and his screen went black, abandoning him in the dark alone as he cried.
Nothing helped. No distractions or hugs from Anzu could get them to stop. He cried until his eyes began to hurt and the skin around them was red and swollen from rubbing.
The only relief he found was once he finally fell asleep.
But he still didn't understand why the tears came.
“We just don't get along.”
All Taiga could do was nod along beside him. Even after they became a group and their group had a name.
Taiga hoped things would be different now that they were all together, but the tears still fell.
Things with Hokuto didn't get better. When they were together, all Taiga ever received were evasive glances and cold words.
The shy junior who had stuck to him had disappeared years ago along with the baby fat that made his cheeks cute around round, leaving the adult he was behind.
But it didn't bother him.
Once or twice, Juri asked if he was okay to which Taiga said he was fine.
There was nothing to be done. After all, that wasn't what brought tears to his eyes.
It was only when he was home alone in the dark that he cried.
It was like he was sick.
He couldn't stop himself from watching Hokuto’s dramas and each time he thought they were gone, they came back in full force.
Sometimes it was okay. The suspense dramas were interesting and Hokuto acted with an intensity that showed his passion. Even in the scenes that were meant to be tear jerkers, Taiga’s eyes stayed dry.
It didn't seem to make sense.
It was only the happiest scenes that made the tears begin to fall.
They were the moments when the Hokuto he saw on the screen couldn't be any more different from the one he met at work.
On screen, Hokuto smiled in a way that was warm and his eyes softened so gently. His touches seemed to be feather light and his words so heavy with his heart. The scenes with a sweet fleeting romance. The scenes where a silver ring was on his left finger with a child's hand wrapped around it.
The tears wouldn't stop as the view of the smile Taiga used to know blurred and smeared in his view. His chest would feel heavy as he gave up on drying them before they fell and soaked into his sheets.
He didn't understand.
He wasn't sure if he wanted to understand.
All he wanted was for them to stop.
The next morning his eyes would be red and swollen and he would blame them on allergies or lack of sleep when his members asked.
“Oh, Hokuto’s drama aired last time. Did you watch, Kyomo?”
It was embarrassing and hard to admit that he was watching everything Hokuto was in, no less crying himself to sleep. But, thankfully, it was easy to deny since no one expected Kyomoto Taiga, who was on bad terms with Matsumura Hokuto, to watch his acting.
Taiga simply shook his head and said no.
“It would be too awkward.”
Though he knew every moment and every scene.
He knew each gentle glance and precious smile that made his eyes sting.
The day they found out they would be watching Hokuto's first romantic lead movie together as a group, it felt like he was receiving a death sentence.
Even after their debut, Taiga had yet to find a cure to his condition, and with cameras placed just before their feet, there was really no way of hiding.
All he could really do was pray that he could hold it together. If there was a time for his eyes not to water, it would be today.
He wasn't sure if he could handle the heavy judgmental eyes of someone who just watched his member shed tears over a simple romance.
From the moment the movie started, Taiga could feel the familiar pressure build at the bridge of his nose as he watched Toru pine deeply for the person his step-sister pretended to be.
There was a love deep in his heart and a yearning in his voice as he begged to see her again and the coldness he showed his loved one out of her disguise.
In a way, it hit too close to home.
How someone so close suddenly became so distant without an explanation why.
How someone who seemed to chase him at his heels suddenly seemed to run the other way.
But real life wasn't like what was on screen.
Of course, it wasn't.
Taiga almost laughed at the thought before something in his chest burned.
The laughter and excited conversation of his members were his only savior as he made himself laugh along and pretend to hide his eyes in embarrassment to dry what stung in their corners. It alleviated the pressure and the weight that gradually built behind his eyes every time the moments became quiet and slow.
But as the movie went on and they all went quiet, Taiga wasn't sure if he could hold on anymore.
He watched Hokuto’s character cry and beg her not to leave, telling her how he loved her and would miss her.
He watched through blurry eyes as they confessed their feelings and made amends before they could have their happy ending.
And when Hokuto began to lean in for their first kiss, Taiga knew.
Ah.
It was hopeless after all.
The tears came one by one before they wouldn't stop.
He tried to cover his eyes as if something had been caught in them, but he couldn't hide the drops that rolled down his cheeks and stained his shirt, and once the theater filled with light from the white chapel and beautiful smiles, he got up and escaped to the bathroom.
He turned on the sink and quickly splashed his face, feeling the cool water quell his hot eyes, but when he faced himself in the mirror, the tears continued to fall.
His hands gripped the sink basin edge as he squeezed his eyes shut and begged for them to stop.
After all, the credits only lasted so long.
Please.
Please, no more.
Please stop.
I can't take it anymore.
Taiga didn't know who he was begging to, but he hoped there was someone out there listening, that someone or something would finally pity him and stop his tears.
He wanted them to stop.
He wanted to stop crying.
He wanted to stop crying because he knew he was in love with him.
He wanted to stop crying because he knew Hokuto would never say anything so sweet. He wanted to stop crying because Hokuto would never say that he would miss him.
He wanted to stop crying because he knew Hokuto would never love him with an affection so deep.
Life wasn't like the dramas or movies Hokuto was in.
Especially not with the person he left behind so long ago, back when those unspoken moments together felt like they could be taken straight from a film.
All Taiga could do was cry while he watched the scenes of what he couldn't have.
A romance.
A love.
At least, not the one his heart wanted it with.
He returned to the theater with swollen eyes. When Juri asked what was wrong, he just said his contacts were being stubborn and became dry after the movie.
He was glad his excuse was accepted without question as he was given teardrops to ease the swelling because he wasn't sure how he would be able to face Hokuto otherwise.
Instead, he was able to smile and joke with a laugh as if tears hadn't been falling from his eyes only moments ago. As if nothing happened. As if nothing hurt.
As if he didn't love someone who would never love him back.
There was nothing else he could do.
The women that came and left his life only served as a reminder of what he couldn't have and closing his eyes and covering his ears to everything only made the pain worse.
So he gave in.
Taiga just let the tears fall.
He just sat alone in his dark room, watching the beautiful images of the love his heart desired play before him in scenes and cried until the morning came to comfort him and remind him the sun still rose.
Taiga stared at himself in the bathroom mirror after his date stormed out the door, leaving his home once again empty.
The faucet noisily ran, water still dripping from his hands and down his chin as he stared into his own swollen eyes.
“... Perhaps they really have gotten weaker.”
“How was your date?”
“We broke up.”
“What?? Already???”
This had been going on for years.
While everyone understood Juri’s exasperation to Taiga’s response, no one in the green room was surprised.
None of Taiga’s girlfriends lasted longer than a couple months before another appeared later, only to disappear just as fast.
The other members worried about him and his rotating relationships. Taiga had never been like this before and they all expected it to slow down as the fleeting flings became less thrilling, but all that changed was that they lasted shorter and shorter.
Yugo and Juri had tried to talk to him about it, but Taiga always just brushed them off. Even the youngest, Jesse and Shintaro, tried to get him to open up a little about what was going on, but all Taiga did was shrug and sigh.
“I do it because I want to. That's all.”
Hokuto turned back to his script, ignoring the growing chatter behind him.
He was thankful that his exposure to Taiga’s short lived relationships were minimal as his work increased.
It didn't involve him.
He didn't have the time to reflect on who Taiga took home or gave his free time to.
He didn't want to have the time either
It didn't matter to him.
Their lives didn't intertwin beyond work and never would.
“Matsumura?”
Hokuto blinked.
It was weeks later.
His mind had gone blank the moment he read the message that appeared on his phone.
Kyomoto:
I saw Hokuto’s movie.
Kyomoto:
It was good. Thank you for your hard work.
It was just a message in their group line. The chat they had just between them was still empty, only holding the automated message that fruitlessly encouraged them to talk to their new friend.
No other messages followed. The teasing of their strained relationship ended a long time ago, leaving only them.
Seven minutes had passed since the message appeared.
For the last seven minutes, Hokuto only stared at his phone without starting a reply.
He blinked as his director called for him, his phone still cradled in his hands with the message unanswered.
“Oh- sorry. I didn't hear what you said. What was that?”
The director just smiled and waved his hand. “Don't worry about it. I just wanted to talk for a minute…”
“... Is everything alright?” He asked.
Hokuto made his lips form a smile, giving a shallow bow in apology as he stood from his seat.
“Yes, everything is fine. Sorry, I just had something on my mind. I can talk.”
His phone went into the pocket of his jacket, the message out of sight but not forgotten as Hokuto watched the lips of his director move.
“I just wanted to mention that the last take was good, but I wanted a little more–...”
His ears didn't hear a thing as his mind reeled over those few digital letters.
He watched it.
Taiga saw it.
When was the last time he watched him?
Was it back in that theater?
Why would he watch it?
With whom did he watch it?
Why?
Why you?...
“... — so do you mind doing it one more time?...”
Though he hadn't heard much, he heard enough to know he was being asked to run the scene again.
Hokuto nodded with a smile, though his mind was in shambles.
In the end, he still couldn't escape it.
Even after all these years, he still couldn't change.
It was just supposed to be comforting advice, said with an almost teasing smile to calm his nerves before his first kiss scene as an actor. It was a bandage cure for taking the first step that would make all the steps that followed easier, but the guilt of knowing how easy it was made him regret opening that door he couldn't seem to close.
It worked like a charm.
It was because it worked that the world began to crumble beneath him.
It had always been like a forbidden fruit.
The first bites were sweet on his tongue as everything was light as air as he indulged in that kind smile and the warm touch of his skin.
But once the trick was done, it all suddenly soured as it slowly infected his veins.
Hokuto hated how well it worked and every time after, when he was pushing the same actress down into a soft bed so many years later.
Nature was inclined to take the path of least resistance and Hokuto was no exception.
No matter how many times he tried to stop, his body would refuse to listen as these little moments were all he had.
It didn't matter what it was. A crush. A marriage. A fling. It was all the same.
There were moments when they kissed. When they hugged.
When they loved.
Even in these acted out scenes, for just a moment, their lives intertwined.
Hokuto sat down on the modest couch and turned to the actress who played his wife. She was pretty and her smile was kind as he apologized, her telling him not to worry in reply while the cameras were set into place.
It was a scene between lovers.
And there was only one person his heart wanted to love.
“Hokuto, is there someone you like?”
As her lips moved and her tongue formed his character’s name, he could only hear his voice.
That smooth mid-tenor tone that made indescribable music. That voice that was once so sweet when it called his name.
When he looked into her eyes, they were the shape he had pathetically confessed he liked.
Her hands had the thin long fingers he had long wanted to hold as they interlocked.
“Just pretend I'm her.”
It was easier when it was him.
It was easier to act like he was in love when that love was real.
Hokuto saw him in every moment and felt him in every touch as he pushed her hair behind her ear and brushed his thumb over her cheek.
It was his heat and skin he left behind years ago because he knew their lives and their desires didn't blend.
It was his breath on his lips when he leaned in.
When they kissed, Hokuto kissed him.
From the very beginning, it was always him.
His feelings, his desperation, his yearning, from the start they were always for him and Hokuto couldn't seem to stop. It was a trick that worked once and worked every time after.
He was ashamed, but it was only in these scenes he could ever show it.
Only here, could he show just how much he loved him.
He saw it.
He watched it.
“I love you,” the actress said, her line following after their moment of affection.
Hokuto smiled, drawing her into his arms never wanting to let go.
Whenever I love someone, I’m always loving you.
“I love you.”
Taiga.