Sirens wailed in the distant background, and the downpour kept people off the streets. In an alley barely moonlit, wet footsteps clicked against the asphalt and a man holding a dark colored umbrella arrived. He stopped at the heel of the man on the ground, finally tilting the umbrella upwards to reveal his face.
“Do you have any last words?”
The man looked up at Tanaka Juri with a look of immense disdain, that despite knowing he was going to bleed out in this unpleasant alley tonight, he spat on the ground Tanaka walked on.
Seeing the man’s silence, Juri crouched down, umbrella resting on his bony shoulder.
“They cut out your tongue too?” He said calmly, but provokingly.
The man inched forward just enough to spit in his face, looking directly at Tanaka Juri despite the rain pounding down against his eyes, “He’s going to find you.”
Juri smiled, cocked his gun between the man’s eyes and pulled the trigger.
“I’m counting on it.”
He wiped away the blood sprayed on his face, and let the rain water run between his fingers, onto the pavement dyed with a stream of crimson.
Would this trail of bodies finally bring Jesse back to him?
Tanaka Juri said his prayer the only way he knew how to.
Six nights, twelve bodies. Jesse couldn’t run from the blood. It would follow him, and this time he was shackled. Juri took one last look at the body on the pavement, now drowning in a small puddle of rainwater and blood. His eyes darkened, the rain around him seemed to drown out all the noise of the world, and all he could think about was Jesse.
His Jesse.
When will he finally come?
*
*
*
The night was deep and the moon was unusually bright, rain clouds parting ways for what should be an optimistic sign. But instead Jesse noted the long overdrawn shadow of his windowsill. Its silhouette eerily casted by the luminance of the night in the pitch dark room. Even though the crisp breeze breathed life back into the stuffy summer, the near full moon gave his hair an unusually light sheen and gave Jesse Lewis an ominous feeling he was fully unable to shake.
The tall man slipped on his coat, momentarily pondered carrying an umbrella before forgoing it and went about his night. He pushed his glasses, sliding up his tall nose bridge, tucked his hands into his coat pocket, and the windy night carried the length of his trench as he strolled the empty street. A strong gust would occasionally pick up the tinny sound of empty cans whistling through the narrow corridors between the old brick buildings of Yokohama in the bad part of town.
The eerie feeling deep in his bones soon earned itself a name when his informant hadn’t shown up for their meeting. Jesse stalked the clues to the back alley and sure enough a man loomed over a dead body. Jesse was a step too late again.
Not the smoking gun he had hoped for, but it was time he met the man poisoning his water. Jesse slowly walked toward the perpetrator, stopping right before the diagonal shadow of the building, head tilted curiously. His heart palpitated, when the slightest click of the man’s footsteps made him belatedly realize he should have known.
Tanaka Juri was sorely disappointed at Jesse’s surprised face.
“Jes.”
Juri took one last puff of the cigarette between his slender long fingers before watching as the spark died under the weight of his foot. For every man he executed, he’d have a cigarette while waiting for Jesse to appear. The man who changed his name, altered his appearances, faked his own death – just to escape their hellish childhood – to run away from him.
“You came.” Juri whispered under his breath, and even though Jesse’s eyes were locked on his face, the words that left his moving lips meant nothing to him.
When Jesse finally pulled himself back together, he didn’t know why, but his first words to Juri in over a decade sounded so harsh, so accusatory, and Juri had fallen back a step at Jesse’s sharpness.
“You keep killing both my targets and my allies. What do you want from me?”
“Got your attention, didn’t it?” And he reciprocated the same tone with a bite.
The conversation was soon lost before it even began, falling apart to the rising emotions, hearts suddenly filled with bitterness between the two. The gun still hung loosely between Juri’s fingers, his jaw clenched tight, and even though he knew the history between them destined this reunion to be messy, Juri fought to reconcile the man in front of him as the Jesse he loved.
A lifetime ago, the Jesse he knew was a boy with soft features and skin akin to first snow. His hair was a natural milky brown, but for as long as he knew he had bleached blonde locks, bangs that draped over his eyes because he was shy. He spoke little and softly when he did.
His Jesse was blonde because that’s what they all liked. Because it casted his skin a gentle pale hue. Blonde because that made him look pure and angelic. Because it fetched a high price.
The man standing in front of him took a step and the moonlight casted his hair in a shade that was so close to the blonde boy Tanaka Juri adored, it nearly deceived him into seeing Jesse’s past life.
“You won. I came straight to you.” Jesse surrendered, but it sounded more like he was curious why Juri even bothered seeking him out and his provocative tone planted a small seed of doubt in Juri’s heart.
“I have to admit, this is not how I imagined our first conversation in a decade.”
Jesse continued to study Juri’s face, and even though he hadn’t changed at all – his tall cheek bones and sharp features all the same – it seemed like he was somehow entirely different. He watched as Juri lightly nodded, biting his lip for a second, before it all faded into a sarcastic smirk. It had been so easy to see when his expressions betrayed his true feelings when they were kids, but the Juri in front of him was hardened and determined to hide himself from Jesse. The years between them told a story he could never imagine.
Juri took a step closer to Jesse, “I expected you to be angrier at me for killing your friends.”
“I am angry.” Jesse replied in a low voice, and Juri remembered how soft-spoken Jesse used to be. Keeping his words scarce and close to his heart, and he never thought Jesse would weaponize that against him some day.
“What are you waiting for then?”
All Juri wanted was for Jesse to give a shit, “You were always so hesitant. Even though you always knew better than anyone what you wanted.”
“Used to be Kochi, you used to make him say all the things you were too afraid to say.” But nobody knew better than Juri where to hurt Jesse.
He looked up into Jesse’s eyes, “Then, he died. And whose fault was that?” The sentence was punctuated with a question mark yet the verdict was never up for debate.
All these words and Juri never pointed his gun at Jesse. That would’ve been easier.
“And that kid named Hokuto. You told him everything would be okay. What happened to him?”
Jesse felt his heart sink at the names that haunted him for half of his life, his jaws clenched holding back the waves of guilt crashing against the dam he kept these memories locked behind.
“Stop.”
Jesse thought he had long made peace with these things, considering the many sleepless nights he spent alone with these memories. But his own forgiveness felt meaningless in front of Tanaka Juri, and he had never felt smaller than hearing his crimes recited back to him.
Juri knew this was a particularly cruel level of betrayal. The secrets Jesse divulged in the deepest crooks of the night used back against him. The secrets that used to make Juri feel so damn special. What was it all worth in the end, if Jesse deserted him anyways?
Juri no longer prayed for love from Jesse and he didn’t want pity, so instead he hoped for hatred. Because what is hatred, but a love so poisoned it grew a life of its own?
All Juri wanted was for Jesse to remember him.
Because he could never forget Jesse. And maybe he does hate him for that too.
All of this left Jesse flooded with confusion because he couldn’t tell if deep down he felt like he deserved this anyways. It left him with the wounds of an old heartache, because Tanaka Juri was the one person he had been so selfishly confident loved him regardless of anything.
“I know…” Juri inched forward, whispering, “Because I used to be the one you came to for comfort.”
His words were soft on the surface, but laced with nothing but a twisted malicious intent to hurt the man in front of him. Tanaka Juri had been so confident he could break Jesse down into nothing even if he was a changed man today.
Juri slowly lifted his hand, the tip of the gun lightly tracing down Jesse’s sleeve while he held his breath and he felt as the touch caused Jesse to flinch, a chill down his spine. Jesse had momentarily frozen in place, his demeanor all but the one of the panicked boy Tanaka Juri knew in his youth. Under his glasses, Juri could almost see the youthfulness to his face. He leaned in more, until his lips left warm breaths on the damp skin on Jesse’s neck. Juri held very still as his other hand traced down from his ear, his skin burning hot. Jesse always ran hot, and especially when his emotions were high. His slender fingers hadn’t even moved halfway down his neck when the touch caused Jesse to recoil in agony, his tense muscles moving all at once in an instinctive repulse while buried in the terrifying memories.
“Stop.” Jesse finally repeated, but Juri chose to ignore his plea.
And this time his agonized expression turned into one desperate for reprieve.
“I said, stop.” His words gritted against his clenched jaw.
Then he dragged Juri by the collar and slammed him against the brick wall, and Juri lost his breath for a second when his back came in contact with the wall. Jesse’s large hand held the other man by the throat, nailed against the wall. He narrowed his eyes challenging Juri, but a smirk grew on Juri’s face nonetheless. Juri didn’t see a challenge, he saw a cornered Jesse, crying for him to stop hurting him.
“You’re holding back.” Juri managed to say despite the chokehold. Because he knew when someone was going for a deathly grip, and Jesse didn't even go for his windpipes.
Jesse was still too soft to ever hurt Juri, and it was painfully obvious to him
“You still love me.” Juri sarcastically remarked, “How laughable.”
“I just need you to shut up...” Jesse quietly replied, falling just short of begging Juri to stop.
The outburst finally gave him the proper outlet to calm down, and Jesse released Juri immediately following his commentary. He had been blindsided by everything Juri said, but it didn’t matter, he told himself. Ultimately, Juri was right.
When Jesse released him, he took a step back. He didn’t see as Juri’s eyes traveled down and then all the way back up, darting from side to side until he met Jesse’s.
“You’ve changed.” Juri only managed to say, and maybe he meant the way Jesse’s face sculpted as the baby fat gradually melted away with the years. It was hard to not notice the way he neatly combed his ash brown locks to the side, hiding behind a pair of silver wired frames, his adolescent figure now filling into the full frame of muscle underneath the suit he wore, but Juri knew it was more.
Jesse looked at Juri, and only Juri could tell between breaths, the guilt that managed to surface again. Juri was relentless after noticing. He was hellbent on being a menace to Jesse’s life that he’d be impossible to remove, replace, or forget.
“Am I just an ugly reminder of what you used to be?” His voice barely above a whisper, but it managed to stab itself deep into the softest flesh on the man he aimed it at.
Juri watched Jesse’s eyebrows twitch, his thumb digging into his finger, the imaginary stab sinking deeper into his chest.
But he continued to push, “You thought you could leave this horrendous past behind? You moved on?”
His words grew increasingly resentful and he noticed even though the young Jesse he knew would’ve dodged eye contact, the Jesse in front of him now only held it harder. His gaze was enough to burn a hole through his head, and frankly it was enough to scare Juri.
Tanaka Juri almost did it, he would never know how close he got, but Jesse only smiled and gradually reclined a few more steps and leaned against the other wall in this narrow alleyway. His smile lingered, until it became a scoff. One that Juri couldn’t read, and it killed him to feel this foreign with Jesse.
“You really should’ve left me alone.” Jesse repeated, his hands now in his coat pocket by his sides, “What did you think meddling in my business was going to accomplish? Piss me off? Break me down?”
His tone chilled instantly, and the ability to reign himself in frankly impressed Juri.
“I’m warning you. Don’t do this.”
Tanaka Juri watched as they maintained their distance, a few steps apart but he couldn’t feel Jesse at all. Suddenly his acts felt like tantrums to get Jesse’s attention, shameful selfish behavior. That was the power of the man Jesse Lewis was today and now he knew why Jesse Lewis had the reputation he did.
Jesse finally turned, fully intent on walking away, but this was not what Juri wanted. He wanted Jesse to be sorry, he thought maybe he wanted closure. But maybe what he wanted was the exact opposite. Tanaka Juri needed Jesse back in his life. He wanted to feel something again. And only Jesse could give that to him. He wasn’t allowed to walk away like this.
“You’re not even going to ask?” Juri’s words stopped Jesse, “About how I spent the last eight years?”
The alleyway was silent save for the sound of Juri’s gun dropping to the wet pavement in defeat.
“You’re so cold.”
Jesse turned back around, but his eyes only stared at the ground this time. There was a sudden drop in tension, a wordless surrender, and Jesse wasn’t nearly as hardened as he made himself out to be.
“And you? You’re not going to ask me why I left back then?” Jesse’s words were quiet and calm, and his question was the most genuine thing he said all night.
“It’s not going to change the fact that you did.”
“Do you hate me?”
“Should I?”
“Yes.”
Juri scoffed. It was easier said than done. If he could hate Jesse, how much easier would it have been?
“You wanna know something?” Juri asked.
Jesse didn’t answer. He assumed it was rhetorical. He also assumed he didn’t want to know.
“Not once tonight have you called me by my name.” Juri pointed out, “And I can’t tell what that means.”
Jesse wanted to say something, but the deep-seated fear that he had a history of being the one who abandoned the one person he owed everything to made him swallow his words and turn to leave once again.
Because only if he managed to walk away, he’d be able to keep lying to himself.
But maybe the moon was high and bright for a fateful reason that night because from the corner of his eye, a sharp glimmer caught his gaze. His reaction time was immediate, both registering what it was and removing Juri from harm’s way with a strong yank. Juri tossed to the ground before realizing they were being shot at. He picked up the gun he dropped from the asphalt as the bullet shattered the window behind him. The crisp sound of broken glass reverberated in the night as the two men ducked out of the alleyway.
Realizing the sniper missed, men on foot arrived right as they escaped. Even with a slight head start, Jesse knew they’d never escape with how outnumbered they were.
“I told you to stay out of this.” Jesse said as he intermittently looked back to check on their tail, running behind Juri to shield him nonetheless, “You should know a lot of people want me dead.”
But Juri wasn’t paying any attention to Jesse’s grumbling trying to make sure they got out alive.
“This way.” Juri led Jesse through a backdoor that was serendipitously unlocked.
The warehouse was empty and looked like it had been long abandoned, a relic of the industrial district this area used to be. They got lucky for the state that it was in, pockets of moonlight spilling through the decrepit roof. From across the room, Jesse spotted a window along the wall of the side they entered, but before he could go quietly stalk over, Juri held him back by a tug on the wrist.
“Where are you going?” He whispered, but instead of answering, Jesse slipped his hand into Juri’s, reeled him in behind himself and tilted his head in the direction of the window suggesting they’d go over together.
Juri followed as Jesse’s quiet footsteps led them to the windowside. Jesse had them pressed against the brick wall side by side, his arm across Juri’s chest, holding him in place as he slowly peeked his head out to see if they had lost their tail.
Somehow once again, the moonlight hit Jesse’s face in just the right angle, and Juri couldn’t shake the illusion of Jesse both being the one he knew and the one he didn’t. He still couldn’t bring himself to imagine Jesse learning all the skills necessary to take care of himself and survive on the streets in the years without him. And no matter the decade it’s been, that was Tanaka Juri’s soft spot that he could never defend and maybe that was why he tried so hard to break Jesse instead.
“I think they’re gone.” Jesse broke the silence, but just as he breathed a sigh of relief, they heard footsteps approaching again and this time Juri was the faster one. He pushed Jesse closer to the wall, until they were flush against the wall side by side.
Jesse looked over at Juri, who immediately signaled Jesse to be quiet. But Jesse didn’t have anything to say. He didn’t know what to say. He studied Juri’s face, as he concentrated on the sound of the footsteps, praying that they were fading. It stirred an old feeling inside of him and maybe it was this exact view, seeing Juri be the only protector he ever had. He felt Juri’s hand gripping onto his tightly, and maybe this was how it should have always been.
Jesse almost couldn’t remember why he had been the one to let go.
“Juri.”
Jesse’s voice couldn’t have been much louder than a faint whisper. It tried to stand tall, against the self-induced guilt of his past, but shuddered nonetheless. And if anyone noticed, it would be Tanaka Juri and it wasn’t until that moment that it hit him that ten years had truly passed. The weight of their time apart sunk at once at the utterance of one syllable.
“You could never be an ugly reminder of my past. You were the only good thing that came out of that.”
Jesse had never been good at keeping up a front. Not back then, not right now. And had he walked away in the alleyway, maybe he could have lied to himself, but in front of Juri he could only be an honest man.
“And I could never kill the one person who loved me when I was nothing.”
Jesse’s sudden confession broke any semblance of a plan Tanaka Juri had left. He never wanted much – he only ever wanted Jesse’s honesty. His resentment had been nothing but a product of the open wound of an old love – infected with a poison just to stay alive.
“No matter what you did. And that’s the truth.”
When Juri finally turned to face Jesse, he hadn’t even gotten a good look at Jesse’s face before a set of familiar lips crashed onto his, and it tasted like yearning, regret, and a terrified yet desperate attempt to lock away the haunting memories that Juri had so harshly brought back to life.
But for how much Juri wanted to kiss him back, he stopped when his hand stumbled upon a wet spot tracing up Jesse’s arm. He felt the sticky texture between his fingers, which was undoubtedly blood.
“You’re hurt.” He immediately began to check Jesse for other wounds, with a worry that was unmistakenly love.
“The bullet must have brushed me. It’s fine.” A light smile on his face.
“But if you want, you can come home with me and see for yourself.”
The Juri that Jesse knew always checked him for bruises and cuts when he returned from a job. Jesse could never forget, because those were the only moments worth living for back then.
That after all the abuse he would endure, at least he’d fall asleep in Juri’s arms for one night.
*
*
*
Jesse’s apartment wasn’t far from the warehouse they evaded chasing in, and Juri never imagined Jesse to be bold enough to set up meetings with informants in his own neighborhood, but Jesse only chuckled and said it was all a mind game of expectation subversion.
His eyes followed Jesse as he stripped the coat and the blood stain on his white dress shirt was extra apparent. Juri immediately stood up to help him, and Jesse only laughed, “Relax.”
For a second, Juri looked embarrassed.
“I can undress myself.”
Juri smiled back for the first time, “Right.”
Yet despite his words, his eyes never left Jesse, watching as he undid his tie and tossed it onto the couch then the shirt in the trash receptacle.
Juri walked up to Jesse, his gaze moving down then moving from side to side and back up. And then he made Jesse turn around in a circle. Jesse happily complied, and there was a part of him that awakened at how nostalgic this all felt. This was exactly how Juri used to check him back then and he couldn’t help pull his former guardian angel in for a long overdue hug. Jesse slowly closed his eyes, wishing that their freedom hadn’t come with such a high price tag of being estranged for all these years.
“Jes. What’s wrong?” Juri’s voice was gentle, he had entirely forfeited his front. Killing people, hurting Jesse with words – he had thoroughly convinced himself he was left with no choice. He wasn’t afraid to go back to prison, especially not for tattooing his name onto Jesse’s heart forever.
“This was how it used to be.” Jesse recalled fondly, “Everytime I’d get back from another job. You’d check me just like this.”
Juri sighed, bittersweet at the memory Jesse brought up. He had almost forgotten what it was like between the two of them. It had been so long since he allowed himself to love Jesse because he had so much time alone to instill hatred instead.
“Come on, let me see if you need stitches.” He reluctantly peeled himself from Jesse’s embrace, and even though Jesse had almost always been taller, Juri was still not used to the way Jesse could now swallow him whole with his body.
Jesse obediently retrieved his first aid kit and sat down while Juri dressed the wound carefully. He remembered how he would always blow on it first, whether it actually helped or not.
When he finished, Juri looked up at Jesse, who had placed his silver frames aside and Jesse’s glassy eyes looking directly into Juri stole a beat from his heart.
“D-does it hurt?” The beat had embarrassingly caused a stutter.
Jesse shook his head silently and his quiet compliance, bare face and hair now disheveled shaved off years from his age. The moonlight was absent to play tricks on his perception, and Juri realized Jesse had indeed grown up yet despite his tall stature, the boy he loved was still there.
They found each other in their eyes, and without a word, they accepted what was supposed to happen next. Jesse had shut his eyes briefly while laying in Juri’s arms because that had been the nature of their relationship before — the people they used to be — but when he opened his eyes, Jesse climbed over Juri, caging him down on the bed in an instant.
Jesse could tell without sharing so much as a word that they were on the same page. Just one glance, and he leaned down, kissing Juri until he was gasping for breath. When Jesse reluctantly peeled away, he lingered for a moment. Juri’s hand caressed his face and even in the barely moonlit room he could tell it was burning red. Juri smiled, his shy nature never changed.
But Jesse dove in and the kisses grew more aggressive, as though to make up for the missed time. His lips traveled to more places than just the mouth. Jesse found the tattoos tucked behind Juri’s ears and he loved them properly with wet affection until he followed the trail down his neck. By then, Juri had gotten ahold of Jesse’s buckle which had unthreaded in a smooth motion and landed on the floor like the crack of a whip.
Before Juri could work his way into Jesse’s pants, Jesse had stripped Juri’s shirt, his arm sliding under the bottom man’s thin waist, arching him upwards as Jesse’s trail of kisses made its way through. Juri managed to undo his own pants, eager to make way for Jesse, and soon the man on top had his erected cock in his mouth, giving it strokes that were both deep and hard.
“Jes…” Juri moaned quietly at first as he began to feel Jesse’s mouth.
“Hm?” It was a simple question, but it was more like a demand.
“Jes.” Louder this time. His eyes closed, until Jesse stopped, moving back up with sprinkles of kisses along the way. Although Juri was still caged underneath Jesse, their eyes met for a long moment.
Jesse broke off the moment with a smile that both melted Juri and made him even harder at the same time.
He buried his face into Juri’s neck, “Juri, I’m tired.”
His voice was whiny, but it was sweeter than chocolate. Jesse was like a whiskey-infused piece of chocolate that he never wanted to melt on his tongue, yet without unraveling him he could never get drunk off of the whiskey that burnt as much as it felt incredible.
Needless to say, Juri caved immediately. He knew his role, and he picked up where Jesse left off, undressing the man entirely. His fingertips traced lightly at first over the scars on his body, and he hadn’t even realized when his nails dug in, as though if he applied enough pressure he could erase the physical reminders of old wounds from Jesse.
It earned a low grunt from Jesse that turned into a soft moan as he let more of his weight fall on top of Juri, who had begun to stroke Jesse’s swollen mass. He hadn’t even laid eyes on it, but his hand felt the long strokes that painted him impressed.
Juri worked it in long strokes while Jesse still laid on him, and it didn’t take long before his already warm body now let out a low growl of a pant, tickling beside his ear.
“Jes, roll over for me.” Juri’s command came out gentle and Jesse’s response was immediate.
Once they switched positions, Juri began working him with his mouth after finally laying eyes on it. He worked hard with both hand and throat until with a guttural groan, Jesse finally beckoned Juri to stop, sitting up and scooping him onto his lap all in one swift motion. Jesse held him close, his hand on the ass cheeks, squeezing, spreading as he bit Juri’s shoulder, earning a small yelp of a moan.
Jesse touched his finger to his lips, spat on it, and it wandered down. Tracing. Edging. Teasing. Juri dug his hand into Jesse’s waist in anticipation and then Jesse finally entered.
Juri sat up straight in Jesse’s lap, his head thrown back, as a throaty moan escaped his lips. Jesse was unbearably turned on by it, taking that as an opportunity to shower Juri’s exposed neck with more kisses.
“Juri?” Jesse whispered while panting, his deep breathy voice was hungry and he wasn’t sure if he could hold onto himself any longer.
Tanaka Juri dreamed of giving Jesse exactly what he wanted.
He didn’t care if he was ready. Juri shifted until the whole size of Jesse’s cock sat inside of him, and it filled him in a way Juri didn’t know was possible as he let out an uninhibited moan. His hands resting on Jesse’s shoulder, he swayed his hips in long slow strokes, and he watched Jesse’s face wash over with pleasure and that itself gave him an immense satisfaction.
“Fuck.” Jesse said between his clenched jaws, his muscles tensed glistening with sweat.
Juri immediately picked up the pace, turned on by Jesse’s satisfaction, switching between deep and shallow quick strokes and the pace drove Jesse insane. Juri watched as his face tensed, the chiseled jawline locked up, mouth hanging slightly open as he let out a growl followed by choice profanity that turned Juri on like no other.
Jesse enjoyed Juri’s service, but he had other plans when he finally ended the ride by taking his passenger onto a new roller coaster. He strapped Juri in after flipping him onto the bed, folded helplessly with his legs resting on Jesse’s broad shoulder.
Juri couldn’t spare a moment to say a different word other than Jesse’s name that managed to escape his lips one time louder than the other until it was all but a scream.
He never imagined to be fucked senseless by his Jesse, who had been so timid-natured as long as he knew. Juri could have never known that was exactly what he wanted. He never experienced anything quite like submitting all control, letting his brain turn off, and entrust himself entirely for the only person he both lived and died for.
By the end of it all, Jesse had Juri nailed against the wall, his bare-boned bed frame squealing as he thrusted relentlessly, deep enough that Juri felt the organs he didn’t know he still had. Wrapping his arm around his waist firmly, Jesse’s large hand pressed against the backside of his neck while his necklace violently swayed, falling repeatedly against the warm skin on his chest.
Juri fell against the mattress, crumbling in all of Jesse’s love and sweat. He took a minute to catch his breath before climbing out of bed to clean himself up. Finally thoroughly burnt through, Jesse collapsed onto the mattress besides Juri at the end of it all. His heavy pants, flushed red skin, and pounding heart all gave way to exhaustion eventually when Juri returned from the bathroom to find Jesse so quickly asleep.
He smiled as he wiped Jesse up, pulled a pair of boxers over his long legs, and changed his bandage that naturally sprung apart through the intense sex. Juri had a hard time believing Jesse had slept through the entirety of that process, but he also knew him to be a kid who had no brain capacity in the company of people he trusted.
Juri studied Jesse’s sleeping face while he imagined how long he’d been keeping up appearances for him to unleash something so feral only to completely unravel afterwards. He had never found the right opportunity to say what he had truly meant with everything he did. For all of his strengths with words, Juri was never good at expressing what was actually important to him.
“ I never blamed you for leaving.” Juri whispered to himself, confessing what he had been unable to earlier.
He remembered the day Jesse disappeared. He remembered wailing and kicking to run into the fire that he thought stole the only light in his life.
Juri never found out what happened after that. Only that years later a Jesse Lewis appeared. And even though his appearance had changed, it wasn’t enough to fool Tanaka Juri.
That was when he swore when he got out he’d find Jesse again. He forgot when and where all of the love he ever had turned sour, and he decided that hate was a more powerful emotion.
He lied to himself.
All Tanaka Juri ever wanted was Jesse’s attention. He wanted to be needed by Jesse, to watch over him like this, and for that he’d give his life.
“Thank you, Juri.” Jesse’s soft raspy voice startled Juri, but he also imagined it was hard for Jesse to sleep entirely through all of that.
“How long have you been listening?”
“Just enough.” Jesse turned to face Juri and he held him close to his chest.
“Where have you been all these years?” He said in a whisper and in the same vulnerable breath, Jesse found the opportunity to finally say what he meant, “I thought you got out. I looked for you. And when I couldn’t find you, I assumed you didn’t want to see me at all.”
“I was in prison.” Juri said bluntly because he found no good way to sugarcoat it, “Because how else do people like us get out? What life did I have after you disappeared anyways?”
“But you still found me.” It was like Jesse to find the good in people. And Juri knew that was why he always managed to blame himself when things didn't end well after he brought hope to others.
“Because I thought if I could make you hate me…then at least you could remember me forever.”
Jesse smiled, “You couldn’t get rid of me at gun point. I’m your problem now.”
“You’ve always been.”