Selfish

“Mn… Yeah.”

The room that had just been so hot immediately felt incredibly cold.

“Yeah, sorry. I just had to stay late……. Mhm… Yeah…”

“I’ll be home soon.”

Jesse tried to rub away the goosebumps on his skin as he watched the scene he had seen too many times play out before him again.

The bare back he had just seen glistening with sweat and twisting in pleasure was being covered with clothes once again as Yugo talked on the phone with it tucked against his shoulder.

He always faced away from him as he got dressed again. Maybe it was the sense of shame that refused Yugo to look at him, the regret of what they just did, the disgust after the pent up heat inside his stomach was dispelled. Whatever it was, each time was as painful as the last.

Jesse had gotten himself to not cry, but that didn't mean he didn't want to.

He knew that no matter how much love or affection he poured into these encounters, Yugo wasn't here for the same thing. For Yugo, it was only about sex.

Each time, after embracing him, Yugo would go home to the woman he called his lover.

“Jesse.”

“Mn?”

“I'm leaving now. I forgot a hat so let me borrow yours.”

“Sure.”

“Goodnight.”

“... Goodnight.”

Soft footsteps, a pause, a thump and a creak before the loud click of the auto latch of his door, Jesse collapsed into his bed now that Yugo was gone.

His whole body seemed to ache from the way the loneliness nearly debilitated him, the scent of Yugo still lingering on his sheets.

This wasn't what he wanted. But once they started, Jesse couldn't bring himself to stop. It was a sickening addiction with no cure that ate away at his heart.

It hurt. It was painful.

But having any part of Yugo was better than nothing at all.

“Wow, you sure look bright and sunny today.”

“Do you always have to be so sarcastic?”

Taiga frowned as he pulled out the chair of the izakaya to sit across from his friend.

“How rude of you! How do you know I was being sarcastic?” He said. “Why can't I call my dear friend cheerful and sunny?”

Yugo sighed as he watched Taiga push his sunglasses onto his head, his blonde locks pushing back to show the face that was too stunning for the small run down restaurant.

He was getting tired of all these star studded faces.

Maybe coming back to Tokyo was a mistake.

Taiga was just one of the close friends he made in highschool. There were a cluster of them that became good friends under unlikely circumstances. None of the five people he now called his best friends would have ever been on the top of his list of people he thought he'd be close to, but the world had its odd way of making strange things happen.

At some point, it felt like their bonds were made to last forever. Highschool felt like a time that would never end and their friendship could outlast age.

But no matter how strong the bond or how strong the friendship, distance took its toll.

They had different futures and different paths. They could still be friends, but those everlasting days with them all stuck together like glue were long gone.

When Taiga met him at the train station back in Tokyo, he said he looked different and Yugo couldn't deny that he was.

He wasn't the same person he was.

Yugo moved away and attended a small college. He lived alone. He made new friends, got new hobbies, and started new relationships. The only reason why he came back was because of his work requesting him to temporarily relocate to the Tokyo branch. He was thankful that his girlfriend was willing to move with him as her job was able to be remote, but it has been a long time since he had been back. He had forgotten how dazzling the city was. He no longer knew the train stations like the back of his hand and the crowds felt far too suffocating and fast paced, but he wasn't the only one who changed.

Even Taiga's dark chestnut hair was now a blinding blonde.

Yugo never felt like he fit the city life. His friends around him had dreams and goals his own determination and ego couldn't keep up with. He always knew he was meant for a simpler life, one where his job paid just enough to be comfortable. To make enough savings to one day dream for a house and not a space on loan. He always wanted his life to be quiet, regardless of the company that he kept.

As much as the warmth and the heat of the city tightened its grasp to hold him in, fleeing felt like the only right answer to make it finally let go.

Coming back felt like walking back into its jaws. For better or for worse. Watching the city lights pass by on the train made his skin feel feverish and tacky. Despite it only being for a moment, he was back. The heat was consuming him again.

“You can say whatever you want, Taiga. But please keep your voice down.”

The look Taiga gave him expressed that he was offended, but despite his acting repertoire, Yugo knew was an act.

He shoved the lemon sour he had ordered for Taiga towards him as he rolled his eyes. “I just don't want to draw any unnecessary attention.”

Taiga chuckled and took a sip of his drink, the condensation dripping off the rim.

“You worry too much.”

“How can I not?” Yugo said, pushing the paper menu towards him. “I don't know when someone might recognize you. Shouldn't you be more aware?”

“I don't have anything to worry about.”

At least Taiga’s carelessness never changed.

“But you do.”

His friend laughed.

“Whatever anyone has to say won't hurt me anymore.”

Anymore.

That was the key word in Taiga’s sentence as Yugo watched him roll the ice in his cup with a soft smile.

Anymore… Taiga couldn't be hurt by what any gossip magazine or trashy article could make about him anymore.

It wasn't more than a year ago when the news broke. Yugo could vividly remember the headline himself.

Son of Famous Actor giving Sexual Favors for Roles.

He remembered the sound of Taiga's crying over the phone. He could hardly keep his breath as he sobbed and all Yugo could do was sit and listen quietly. Even if he had wanted to, it was too late to travel to Tokyo to comfort him. Yugo wasn't sure why Taiga called him, but he could only assume it was because he was the one furthest from that life.

When Taiga asked if he believed it, Yugo wasn't sure what to say. Lying to him wouldn't bring any comfort but saying otherwise wasn't going to make anything better. All Yugo could offer was the truth.

“I don't know, Taiga… but the Taiga I know wouldn't do something like that.”

The article wasn't exactly baseless. As much as Yugo didn't want any of it to be real, photos spoke a million words. There were pictures outside of hotels and leaks of overheard conversations. Of course, Yugo believed the word of his friend over any trashy site, but it was hard to not have doubts.

From what Taiga told him, they were manipulated. It was true he was outside the hotel but not for the reasons that were told. It was tough being the son of a well known talent. You didn't just carry the weight of your own career, you carried your father’s reputation as well.

When someone told you they knew your father, it was hard to say no.

No one believed him at first. The one speaking against him was a well loved administrator with a legacy. He even held a good rapport with Taiga’s father. Surely, to protect himself, he said Taiga was the one who approached him and was the one who got him drunk. No one wanted to believe the upcoming actor who got his footing through nepotism. Not his own father believed him at first.

The only person who believed him without a second thought was Shintaro.

From how Taiga explained it, he hadn't said anything before Shintaro told him he believed him.

“Whatever you say, I believe you,” he told him.

“You wouldn't lie to me. I know you wouldn't.”

It took a while for the facts to clear up.

Taiga was found innocent, but that didn't mean his reputation hadn't been tarnished. People still believed what they wanted to believe and nothing was ever black and white. Taiga’s books grew thinner. His demand was halved. His upward trajectory was suddenly cut off.

“You should still be careful. For Shintaro’s sake.”

Taiga waved his hand at him. “It’ll be fine.”

“It's because of Shintaro that it's fine.”

Behind the shimmering glamour and lights, the entertainment industry was rough, cold, and merciless. It was a part of why Yugo couldn't wait to run away.

It was never suited for him. More than anything, he just wanted to live a normal life.

Since the incident, Taiga relied heavily on Shintaro. He was at his apartment more than his own. He ate Shintaro’s food more than Shintaro did. He used his bath on days Shintaro was still out late filming.

Yugo always felt Taiga relied on Shintaro too much, but never said anything, knowing his pain. He managed to say once or twice that he shouldn't bother Shintaro so much, but Taiga always responded the same.

“It's okay. We’re brothers after all.”

The night proceeded as it always did. They drank, they ate, they bickered. Out of their group of friends, he and Taiga were always the ones to get in small mindless spats. It was always the little things, like telling Taiga not to eat the whole plate without offering, or pointing out how Yugo was complaining about his drink order he never put in.

At these times, it felt like no time had passed and the world's pressures were just a little less heavy. With old friends, the past always inevitably came back.

“Remember when you and Jesse left without the rest of us? Hokuto was so mad.”

“Hokuto never got upset, but those things really made him angry, didn't they? I said sorry but he was still pissed days after.”

“I was angry too!! It was like you guys disappeared! I just don't hold grudges like that guy.”

“Don't refer to your friend as ‘that guy’,” Yugo laughed.

They talked and talked and they drank and ate. They talked about the small things and the big things letting time ease by.

Yugo complained about his job and Taiga talked about his last casting. Some conversations were long and some were short.

“How's your girlfriend? Is she liking Tokyo?”

“Mm. Not more than back home, but she's making the most of it.”

“Are you gonna marry her?”

“We’re talking about it.”

“Ehhh… Really?”

“What? You don't believe me?”

“Ah, no. It's nothing. Anyways, have you met with Juri yet?”

The night grew later and more cups were emptied. The only thing that drew them from their festivities was the empty feeling on Yugo’s tongue which convinced them to finally pay their bill.

As Yugo sparked the flame on his lighter for his cigarette, Taiga held out his hand.

Yugo frowned, the tip glowing bright as it burned with his inhale, before brushing Taiga's hand away.

“You're not supposed to smoke.”

Taiga’s hand swung away but rebounded quickly back to its original outstretched position, asking again.

“Just not all the time.”

“Shintaro will get mad.”

“Shintaro will forgive me.”

Yugo sighed because he was right. Shintaro did his best to look after him, but was too weak to resist him.

Yugo knew why. He saw the way Shintaro looked at Taiga. He knew those eyes too well.

Shintaro might scold him in place of Taiga, but when Taiga snatched the box and lighter from his hand, he was too drunk to fight back.

Even in the middle of the night, the city was so loud. When it was mixed with alcohol, it was only louder. Back home, all there was was only the sound of rustling trees.

It was like his mind. It was so much louder in the city. Out in the country, it was like the static faded away.

And when he saw Taiga typing away at his phone, the noise only grew louder.

“... What are you doing?”

A billow of smoke came from Taiga’s mouth.

“Asking Shintaro to pick me up.”

“This late??”

“Why not?”

“Doesn't he have work?”

“So? That's fine, isn't it? He still has time to sleep.”

“He’s in the middle of filming, isn't he? Just take the train.”

Taiga tucked his cigarette between his lips.

“I don't wanna.”

“You’re being a pain.”

“If Shintaro doesn't want to, he can just tell me no.”

There was no world where Shintaro would ever tell Taiga no.

The noise of the city was so loud.

It was too much for him. He couldn't stand it. It was so loud it made his head hurt.

“We’re brothers after all.”

Shintaro was working hard to become an actor too. He was an early riser but his work kept him up late. During college, he never seemed to enjoy drinking coffee or energy drinks like Juri, but when he last saw him, he watched as he took his coffee black with bags forming under his eyes.

Yugo never commented on Taiga and Shintaro’s relationship. The two of them knew each other longer than anyone in their small clique and grew up with an intimacy only attainable by siblings. What they had between them was something incomprehensible by Yugo and he never bothered to understand it. It was beyond him and either of friendships with Taiga or Shintaro, but despite all, Yugo knew how it seemed.

Shintaro was a good actor, but he wasn't good at hiding his emotions.

His face was as easy to read as a children's book when Taiga got his first girlfriend.

Taiga was choosing to ignore all of that.

Instead, he kept repeating this piss poor excuse to abuse over and over again.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was the throbbing in his head, but Yugo couldn't keep back the words that were building up in his chest.

When his friend looked up at him, his expression as blase as ever with cigarette smoke billowing from his lips, he saw someone who lived his life with his eyes closed.

He was letting Shintaro suffer for the sake of bandaging his own hurt feelings.

“Now, now, Kochi. No need to use such harsh words.”

“Shut up. Can't you just take me seriously for once?”

“Why are you trying to be so serious? I thought we were having a good time.”

Taiga took another sharp nip off of his cigarette before snuffing it out against the concrete, the unspent tobacco spilling from the sides.

If you're going to borrow a cigarette, at least smoke the whole thing, asshole.

His friend stood up, his arms crossing as he faced him.

“You have something to complain about, Kochi? Then tell me.”

There were many days when Yugo admired Taiga’s confidence, but today it just pissed him off.

Yugo snuffed his own cigarette out in his ashtray.

“Fine. I will.”

“You're taking this shit too far with Shintaro.”

Taiga frowned.

“What are you even talking about?”

“You know what the fuck I'm talking about.”

When Taiga turned to face away from him, Yugo yanked his shoulder, forcing him to turn back.

“You know how he feels, don't you?I know you're not stupid enough to not notice. Why do you act like you can't see it?”

Taiga shrugged his hand off of him.

“Can't see what? You're drunk, Kochi. Go home.”

“Don't fucking play dumb with me—!”

Taiga tried to walk away, but Yugo pulled him right back. This time, his hand took a fist full of his shirt.

Enough of this bullshit.

“You know he likes you!!” Yugo shouted, pushing Taiga’s back into the metal fence behind him. “You know that idiot is in love with you!! Why do you act like he's not!?”

“When was the last time he’s had a relationship, huh?? He's been so caught up on you he can't find a real girlfriend because you keep toying with him!!”

“Stop being so fucking selfish!!”

Yugo couldn't stand it. He hated watching the way Taiga led Shintaro around by a leash.

Taiga knew Shintaro loved him. Even the cold eyes that bore back into him told Yugo that Taiga knew, but Taiga kept running around like Shintaro’s feelings didn't exist.

He clung to him and demanded attention like a lover but ignored how it hurt him. He stayed at his house, he ate his food. He used his clothes and his shoes that didn't fit so that if there was even a girl of interest, she wouldn't have a chance to take any of it for her own.

All Taiga did was take, but never gave back. He just smiled and said they were “brothers” though they didn't share a single drop of blood.

It made Yugo feel sick.

It made him desperately want to return to the quiet countryside.

“That's rich coming from you.”

Before Yugo could blink, he found his own shirt balled in Taiga’s fist. They mirrored each other as Taiga yanked him forward.

Taiga’s face didn't change.

But his eyes were like ice.

“You talk like you're so righteous and that you care so much, but I know you're sleeping with Jesse.”

“You even have a girlfriend.”

“Does she know you're taking up the ass once a week? Or did you tell her, saying that you're graciously doing it as a favor—?”

Taiga choked at the end of his sentence. His words were cut off as his air was severed from the fists that shoved hard against his chest, making the chain link rattle.

Yugo wasn't sure he had ever seen red before, but there was a first time for everything.

His blood was racing so hard in his chest he almost felt light headed as his fingers dug deep into the fibers of Taiga’s cotton shirt.

No one was supposed to know. They swore to keep it between them. It was supposed to be a secret he would die with.

It was just a favor.

A means to an end.

“... You don't know what the hell you're talking about.”

Taiga shoved him back, enough to relieve the pressure on his chest, but not enough to release him from Yugo’s tightening grasp.

“I know enough,” he breathed.

“I know enough to know you're a pot calling a kettle black.”

“We're not all that different, you and I.”

“We both have something we know we shouldn't have.”

Jesse liked to call their relationship special. Something like destiny or fate that led them to each other. That the world wanted them to be together.

Yugo couldn't even deny it himself that it was rather serendipitous.

If Jesse's father never transferred to Tokyo, if Yugo never lost the soccer ball behind the school building, if Jesse hadn't picked that day to stay late after class, they probably would have never met.

Despite his large stature, Jesse was shy, always wearing a mask even during the summer. He didn't like to draw attention, though teachers tended to favor him for his quiet diligence and surprising talent. It seemed the quieter he became, the more attention it drew, good and bad.

In a school where kids struggled to stand out, Jesse desperately wished to blend in. It was hard enough for the odd half white kid with weird Japanese to find friends, but the thick simmering feelings of jealousy only made it harder.

He had already gotten used to the thumb tacks hidden in his shoes. Or even his text books that had pages ripped out. He could handle all of that as long as he could still act and could still sing. Attempts of physical violence never crossed his mind, but perhaps he was too ignorant in trusting good will.

When he noticed the retracted utility knife in the boy’s hand, he couldn't help but agree when they asked him to follow.

Jesse thought it was over at that moment. He didn't think he would lose his life, but he would lose much more. His dignity, his will, his voice, his trust. They picked the quietest part of the school yard in a dark corner where even if he screamed, no one would hear.

All he could do was close his eyes and hope it would end soon.

“Hey. What are you guys doing?”

The voice was rough and carried a unique raspiness, but at that moment, it sounded like voices from heaven.

Kochi Yugo. He wasn't in the talent department, but his talent in soccer was worth more than enough respect.

Once all the guys left, Jesse let in a breath that felt like he was breathing for the first time.

He didn't know Yugo. He barely remembered his last name or how it was written. But that day, he cried more tears than his parents had ever seen him shed.

Fate. Destiny. Serendipity. Whatever you wanted to call it. Jesse felt they were meant to meet.

After Yugo, he stopped wearing his mask. He began to laugh louder. Smile bigger. They made life long friends. His voice became stronger.

Jesse was blooming.

Yugo stayed the same.

“Where should we move to?” Jesse chuckled, bumping his knee into Yugo’s.

He said it like a fact. He never even asked if Yugo wanted to. It was just a given that after high school, they would still be together.

Though, Yugo never disagreed, humming and bumping Jesse back.

“Mmm… Somewhere out of the city proper would be nice.”

“I want somewhere with a view.”

“Those are expensive…”

“So?? Once I get some traction, I'll be able to pay it off in cash! A rooftop apartment!!”

Yugo’s eyes followed the hand Jesse stretched out to the clear sky.

“... You really think you’ll make it?”

“I'm sure I'll make it,” Jesse smiled.

“I know I'll make it.”

Once given the room to dream, Jesse dreamed big. He dreamed of a happy future and a future that fit both of them. After finding Yugo he felt that there was a future to be had. It was like he was his lucky charm. As long as he had Yugo, everything would go well. Even his worst days would be alright as long as Yugo was there. In Jesse's mind, there wasn't a life without Yugo in it.

Yugo wanted it too.

He wanted to see that future with Jesse. He wanted to spend every day bathed in the sunlight of his smile or the warmth of his laughter.

Jesse was like sunshine that became just that much brighter when given a little polish. Yugo was never the nurturing type but with Jesse, it came like it was natural.

It was like watching a plant grow. With a little bit of water and a little bit of love, it sprouted flowers and fruit. The leaves would get bigger with sunlight and new soil. All at the same time, Yugo’s heart grew softer and warmer as he watched Jesse thrive with his attention.

But just like a plant, eventually it would outgrow its pot.

No one would deny that they had love for each other.

Yugo knew Taiga knew it too.

He thought of all people Taiga would understand, but that's also what pissed him off.

Taiga didn't understand what he had to let go of. What he sacrificed. What he left behind to let Jesse stretch beyond their small confines.

To be called selfish made him sick to his stomach.

Taiga was desperately clinging on to everything Yugo forced himself to let go.

Taiga fell to the cold concrete after Yugo’s fist squarely made contact with his cheek.

“Fuck you!!” Yugo spat.

“I let go!!”

“You didn't!!!”

Taiga held his cheek.

“So what?”

“‘So what’???” Yugo echoed. “I ended it!! You're dragging him along!!! You and I are not the same!!”

“Huh?? Kyomo?? Kochi??? What the hell is happening?????”

When Yugo looked over, he saw the red glowing tail lights of a car and the silhouette of Shintaro that cut through it.

By Taiga’s request, he came even though it was in the middle of the night. Because, of course, he would.

He was speechless as Taiga hobbled onto his feet, his cheek still red and swollen. Even after all the yelling and the curses, he still smiled at him.

Shintaro’s feet were fast, but not fast enough for his ears to pick up on the last words Taiga left Yugo before he was collected. Taiga stepped towards him with his voice still low as he squeezed his shoulder.

“No, we're not the same. As long as Shintaro and I are brothers, I can be with him forever.”

“You have to make a choice.”

Yugo blinked as Shintaro pulled Taiga back, his hands firmly on his shoulders. His eyes were dashing back and forth between the two of them with a furrow in his brow.

“What's wrong with you two?? What's going on???”

Even when trying to stay calm, Shintaro’s voice was loud.

It was clear by his posture that no matter what he said, Shintaro would be on Taiga’s side. The way he had his arm around his back and his body forward to edge himself between them and to guard Taiga in his grasp. Yugo was sure that if he wanted to, Taiga would be able to send Shintaro after him to hit him much harder than he was capable and he wouldn't have blamed Taiga if he did. After all, he had hit him first.

But Taiga pulled Shintaro back, holding his wrist and turning him towards him, though his eyes stayed on Yugo.

“It's fine, Shintaro. We just got too drunk. Let's go home.”

“Huh?? No, something definitely happened—”

“It's okay, it's my fault. I joked around too much and made him mad. We can just go.”

“What about Kochi?”

Taiga shook his head. “He’ll be fine. He has some things to think about.”

They began to walk away, Shintaro leading Taiga to his car. Shintaro didn't say anything aside from giving him a few worried glances before opening the passenger door and letting Taiga inside.

The engine was left running. Soon, Yugo was going to be left in the night alone with only the throbbing on his fist, but before the hazards were turned off and the tires began to move, Taiga’s window rolled down.

“Hey.”

“Jesse is leaving for America next month.”

“... Huh?”

That was all Yugo was able to muster as he stared at Taiga’s lopsided smile.

“Make sure you talk to him properly, okay?”

Jesse was leaving for America.

Why hadn't he heard about this?...

Out of the many nights they spent together, Jesse hasn't mentioned it once, preferring to get right to the point of their meeting, but they were close before. Even if they didn't have the same thing as they once did, Yugo still thought he would be someone worth telling.

After running away from their relationship, after running away to the countryside, after escaping from the loud noisy city that didn't suit him, it was only now as he stood alone, staring at the place his two friends once were that he felt so alone.

Why didn't Jesse tell him?

He was important to him, wasn't he?

That's why he slept with him, wasn't it?

Everything Yugo ever did was for Jesse. That's why he lied about what college he applied to. That's why he moved away without saying another word about why or when. It was all for Jesse who was rapidly outgrowing him.

Jesse was made for the spotlight. He was brighter than any star than Yugo could imagine and he wanted nothing more than for everyone to see it. Jesse always talked about his future hopes and dreams and accolades he had yet to meet. When he spoke of them, he always saw Yugo there with him, but he couldn't see it.

He wasn't meant for the stars. He was just an anchor holding him down to earth.

That's why he let him go.

Yugo gave up the dreams of being beside Jesse. He tossed away the hopes of sharing a cozy rooftop apartment away from the city. He threw away the image of himself spending his life basking in Jesse’s warmth and his kind smile.

He let his love go.

He let it all go.

All of it was for Jesse.

So why didn't he tell him?

By the time Yugo realized where he was, his finger was already pressing the call button on the apartment complex.

It chimed with a loud ring that brought him back to earth, each drawn out bell pulling him back to the ground.

It was already late. He should already be asleep.

If the ring went through without an answer, he would turn around and go home without ever mentioning he was here.

Ding dong~

Ding dong~

He wasn't going to answer. Yugo didn't even announce he was coming. Whenever they met, they never met at his home. They never knew who would be watching or when they would be around. For their short rendezvous, business hotels outside the main city with strict covers worked best. One more ring and he would go home.

Ding dong~

Ding do– *Click*

“Mnn? Hello?... Who is it?...”

There was a slur in his voice. Maybe it was sleep or maybe it was alcohol. Yugo wasn't sure, but it didn't really make a difference. Once his voice was in his ears, the magnetic pull that drew him to him grew stronger as always.

“... It's me.”

The door entrance buzzed open without another question.

It was the privilege of few who got to see a public figure so dressed down in his own home. Even during private outings, Jesse made sure to dress well, but now he was only dressed in a sloppy set of lounge clothes. One of his pant legs was pulled up to his knee and his shirt which was always styled neatly into his waistband was lopsided and crooked.

The darkness of his home and the squint in his eyes seemed to imply he was sleeping, but the bottle of brandy on his table suggested otherwise. Was he sleeping or was he drinking? It was still unclear as Yugo pushed his way inside.

“Huh? Wh– what's going on? Kochi??” Jesse stammered as Yugo stumbled past him after kicking off his shoes.

“Jeez– you reek of cigarettes and booze— what are you doing??”

When Yugo reached the living room window, he yanked the thick curtains open.

Even in the middle of the night, the city still seemed to buzz with life. The sky scrapers and city lights drowned out the stars that seemed endless when he gazed upon them in the countryside. Only the few got to shine bright enough to be visible to those who looked upon them from below.

The view from Jesse’s home would render many speechless. It was a beautiful sight to be seen, resting so many floors above thousands of the city’s netizens.

But it still wasn't the rooftop home they once dreamed of having together.

“Kochi– is there something wrong? Why are you—-”

“You didn't tell me you were moving.”

Everything went still.

Yugo could have sworn the clock even skipped a few seconds, not wanting to disturb the tension that suddenly flooded the room.

Jesse, too, was speechless, only standing in the middle of his own living room staring at Yugo’s back that looked over the city below them.

Yugo wasn't going to speak until he received an answer. Even with the weak reflection, he could see the painful expression on Jesse's face.

He never wanted to see that face.

But he needed to hear his response.

Finally, Jesse spoke.

“... How do you know about that…?”

“So you weren't planning on telling me?”

“No!! I just— I just never found the right time—”

“You used to tell me everything.”

“I know! I still do! I just—”

“But you didn't.”

“I was going to!”

“You're lying.”

“I'm not! I-I swear!! I–”

“Jesse…”

When Yugo turned to him, Jesse’s mouth shut tight.

They both stood in the quiet room, Jesse's name still seemingly echoing off the walls.

The city was so loud.

In the dimly lit space, the lights were still so bright beyond the window behind him.

He didn't belong here. Here, his only option was to drown.

He never wanted any of the glitz or the glamor. He never tried to reach for the stars that were so far away.

It was selfish to just want a piece of it. 

It was selfish of him to want to take any part of Jesse away from the spot light.

It was... 

“... I–…”

“I've been selfish, haven't I?”

Jesse blinked.

“... Huh?...” He questioned, before drawing close and taking Yugo’s shoulders in his hands.

“No… No, why would you say that?”

Yugo shook his head.

“No. I have. I am.”

Taiga was right.

He was selfish. No matter how much Jesse denied it, it was true.

When Jesse asked to sleep with him, he knew he should have said no. The right thing was to say no. Yugo even had a girlfriend waiting at home, but he still agreed to meet him in nondescript hotels. He used the excuse that this would put an end to the love they never had the chance to have, but instead, he was just pulling Jesse in deeper. He wasn't allowing him to forget or move on. He was just feeding him with little treats to keep him following him, and in truth, Yugo didn't want Jesse to let go.

He wanted to hold on to that little glimmer of light that shined so brightly in the city full of people.

Even now, he was selfish.

He was playing with Jesse’s emotions as he tried to finally make an escape. Distance was probably the last thing they had to finally sever what strings they still had attached, but here he was in his apartment, asking why he didn't tell him. How could he not tell him.

“I slept with you.”

Jesse shook his head.

“No!! I asked you to! You– you were being nice—”

“No, I know what I mean to you and I still did it.”

“You were just letting me let go—”

"No!!! Shut up!!!" Yugo yelled. 

"You don't get it!!!"

"I hurt you!!!"

That spark, those small things, those little moments that Jesse had all called special, Yugo found them special too. They were all precious and dear to him. Even if he couldn't call it destiny or fate, he wanted it to be something. 

He loved Jesse from the beginning. He wanted to have that home outside the city with a view. He wanted that home with him. He wanted to nurture and tend to that warm flame that grew larger and stronger even if it grew too big and consumed him. 

Yugo had judged Taiga for not letting Shintaro go. Everything he saw in Taiga he saw as all the things he hated about his own desires. He hated the idea of tying Jesse down and keeping him from achieving the things he had struggled and fought so hard to have so he did what he thought would be the best for both of them. 

He left the blinding city. He left the boy that was shining too bright for him. He couldn't take it anymore.

He ran away.

But the moment he thought of Jesse leaving, he completely broke down.

Jesse didn't say anything. The both of them just let themselves slip back into silence.

Yugo knew he couldn't say anything because what he said was true. He couldn't even say Yugo didn't hurt him with a smile. He had seen Jesse's heavy shoulders when he watched his back, sitting at the edge of the bed they just shared. He saw his dark expression every time he closed the hotel door. Even in the midst of sex, he saw how he bit his lip and buried his face in neck, fighting back the urge to want more. 

Yugo hurt Jesse to only protect himself. 

Even in the glittering spotlight, Jesse was still that boy he found in the back of the school yard.

"... I'm sorry..."

Yugo just hung his head. Staring down at their feet, he could still feel the alcohol stirring in his blood.

"I never thought about you. I only thought about myself. I only did what I thought would protect me and help me..."

“... I wanted to stay.”

“I really did… I wanted to stay with you…”

When his crown reached Jesse’s chest, Jesse pulled him in. “... Why didn't you…?”

“Because I couldn't!!”

Finally, the tears he tried to hold back couldn't be contained anymore.

Yugo cried, slamming his fist into Jesse's shoulder.

“I don't belong here! The longer I stayed, the more I held you back!!”

“I wanted more for you! More than me!!! More than anything!”

“I couldn't!! I couldn't but I—!!!”

He bit hard on his lip, trying to swallow his pitiful drunken sobs with his words as his tears stained his cheeks. His tears wouldn't stop as the feelings he held onto and buried so deep finally came overflowing. His chest lurched as his lungs fought for air which he could only feel in contrast to Jesse’s tight and steady hold around him.

Yugo could only cry as he buried his face in Jesse’s shoulders.

“I…”

“I still wanted you.”

“... I still want you.”

A small grunt was squeezed from Yugo’s chest as Jesse’s arms tighten around him. He could feel Jesse's warm nose nuzzle into his neck and his fingers digging into his clothes.

Even with all the late night flings, there was nothing that compared to this intimacy.

“If you want me, then have me.”

Yugo shook his head. “I can't—”

“You can,” Jesse said. 

"Be selfish."

"Take all of me."

“Morning!”

“Mn… Mornin’...”

The usual smell of light coffee and cooking oil filled the living room as Taiga emerged from the bedroom.

He didn't bother asking Shintaro if he needed help with breakfast or what was being prepared as he plopped himself on Shintaro's plush couch. He bundled himself in the fluffy throw blanket that was left from last night before blinking his blurry eyes at the TV.

The morning news was playing. Shintaro liked to have it on for some noise but it was hardly the focus of his routine. Taiga often just sat and waited for his drowsiness to wear off as he listened to their chipper tones. More often than not, he fell asleep again until Shintaro called to him to have their breakfast.

But as he closed his eyes and warmed his fingers in the warm coat of Shintaro’s canine companion, he heard a familiar name.

“In entertainment news, the actor known as Jesse has announced he will be leaving the public eye.”

“The news was released by his company early this morning with only the following statement…”

I love acting. It's what I've wanted to do forever and I'm so blessed and thankful for my career and the opportunities I've been able to have.

But, there are some things that are more priceless to me than this line of work. I once thought my only choice was to let them go, but now that I have the chance to maintain them, I have no intent on letting them go again.

Maybe this is selfish of me. I know that everything I've done is not just an accumulation of my own efforts, but this is something I've wanted for a long time. 

To all my supporters, please don't worry. Whether I come back or not, please know that I am happy.

“Thank you.”

“Jesse.”

Taiga blinked.

He wouldn't have been surprised if his mouth had been hanging open, but his lips only formed a smile.

It had been a couple weeks since he had last heard from Yugo or Jesse. In all honesty, he had presumed the worst, but he was happy to be wrong.

“Huh?!” Shintaro's voice came from behind him.

“Jesse quit???”

Taiga hummed, itching Shelly’s neck. “Seems like it.”

Shintaro plopped onto the couch beside him and stared at the TV in shock.

“Wasn't he moving to America?? I thought it was for his career!”

“I guess things change.”

“Is he still going??”

“No idea.”

“I can't believe he didn't say anything!”

Taiga just laughed, leaning himself against Shintaro’s sturdy shoulder. Even though he wore an apron, he could still smell the gentle scent of breakfast on his clothes.

So, Yugo was finally able to finally be honest.

Maybe it was time for him to be a little honest too.

“Hey, Shintaro?”

“Hm?”

“Let's go on vacation somewhere.”

“Oh?? Sure! Something like a getaway sounds fun!”

“Mhm. Like a date.”

“...... Huh!?!?!"