Robbed of freedom, I suffer persecution
Between you and the dirty me, there is a big difference, big difference.
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Hokuto first saw that girl in the grassfields across where he’s standing now, from beyond the tall fence separating the backyard of the ‘prison’ he lives in and the outside world. A girl maybe around his age, her smiling pretty face framed by smooth brown locks. Her pale skin looks as soft as the clouds above, the sun reflecting its light to her eyes making them sparkle like a diamond in the rough.
“—did you not hear me?”
He saw her sitting in the middle of the field with a sketchbook in hand, drawing the clouds and scenery she saw with her beautiful eyes. Hokuto wasn’t sure what kind of scenery she projected in her head when seeing the boring empty grassfield, there was only sky, grass, and some old buildings stranded in the middle of nowhere as far as the eye could see. But maybe artists do see the beauty in everything, he thought.
“How many times should I call until you answer!?”
A big tall middle-aged man went in his direction, stomping his feet loudly, successfully waking Hokuto up from his daydreaming. He could feel the man pulling his hair tightly from the back, making him let out a painful groan. The girl probably has taken all of his attention that he didn’t realize when his ‘owner’—that’s what the man always reminds him about—called him.
“I have a new job that’s perfect for you,” the man said, lifting Hokuto’s chin harshly. “This face of yours surely will make them bow down to me. They also said you’re a gifted one that will bring fortune to others, or whatever that is.”
Well, his owner wasn’t completely wrong, but he probably misunderstood more than half of the whole thing. ‘Hokuto’, that name’s origin was taken from the Big Dipper seven-star asterism in the Ursa Major constellation. In the past, people used it as a path navigator, as it always points to the North Star, Polaris, the bright star that lights the way for lost travelers. It symbolizes hope. The hopes that lost ones search for, wishing that they will eventually find their way back home. Hokuto loved it when his mom read him stories about the stars and constellations. The vast galaxies with no ends, the asterisms that seemed randomly placed in the sky, but became meaningful with every string pulled to tie them together and turn them into constellations that brightens the path for each traveler who strayed away from their destination. One star might seem worthless, but his mom convinced him otherwise. Just like the Big Dipper and its seven bright stars guiding those lost travelers, his parents gave the name for him in hopes that he could serve as a guide for others.
“Don’t you dare disappoint me. You’re quite expensive for a skinny lad who can’t seem to lift your own chains,” his owner moved his grip from Hokuto’s unkempt long hair to the chains on his neck, pulling him back inside the ‘prison’ building to join countless other slaves of his kind.
He liked his name and that meaning behind it. He used to.
What his mom never told him was the other meaning based on the Arab mythology version. That version was something he discovered later in his young adult years from some random old books he found in the abandoned small shed behind the ‘prison’ building, but looking back at his timeline, it kind of aligned with how his life turned the way it is now. Arabian mythology associated the Big Dipper with funeral processions or mourning. It’s how the quadrangle, while in the usual Big Dipper stories was the ‘bowl’ or ‘body’ part of the ladle, in this mythology it represents a coffin; while the other three stars, instead of the ‘handle’, represent people following behind the coffin and mourning. He was terrified when he first discovered this, but soon came to terms with it as he shrugged it off and considered it a mere fairy tale.
Hokuto loved the stars, he really does. Seeing them gives him peace. But somehow, stars had slowly turned into some kind of bad omen in his life. Just like the Big Dipper having another meaning of carrying loss and grief he always feared. When someone dies, they’ll join those who passed away before them to become stars in the night sky. When he was small, his mom would usually bring him stargazing to the top of the hill. She would point at one of the brightest stars, and said that his dad had safely made it to the sky. It was always only the two of them at home, but his mom said that his dad will always watch him from the sky above.
Was it a bit ironic that the first person he ever witnessed returning to the sky was none other than his mom herself? Before her long journey to join his dad, she told him to not worry about her as his dad was already pointing the way for her. Little Hokuto was too young to understand everything back then, he only thought he had lost everything he ever had. The night he was bought by his owner, Hokuto looked up to the sky alone for the first time. He saw the Big Dipper up there, and beside it, two stars shining brightly. Maybe the myth’s not just a mere fairy tale after all. Maybe the Big Dipper was really a bad omen. And in that same night too, Hokuto felt the seven stars’ light in him had dimmed, as if it was forcefully taken from him.
Hokuto lowered his head, his eyes darted to the chains not only stuck on his neck but also his wrists and ankles. The chains that would probably be stuck with him forever, maybe until he joined his parents to become a star up there. Whenever he looked up to the sky and saw the Big Dipper, he was always reminded of the bad omen it brings, no longer seeing it as a ray of hope. Maybe his presence was a bad omen himself since he was named after the asterism. What’s the purpose of him being a guide for others if he himself also lost his way home? If his parents hoped for him to be a guide to others, then who would be his guide?
They said the Big Dipper brought hope for those who saw it. Either hope, or bad omen.
Hokuto remembered he saw the same asterism in the sky the night before he first saw that girl beyond the fence. Even though he didn’t believe in the hope it brings anymore, deep down he couldn’t deny that he still wants to believe in it.
Deep down, he wanted to believe in the hope that maybe, maybe, the girl is his North Star, and him as the Big Dipper finally gets to pinpoint his way back home to his happiness.
But one can only hope… right?
After all, him being chained to this place, and that girl coming from beyond the fence, only meant that they live in different worlds.
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I wrote a letter and folded it into a paper plane, praying it’ll reach you through the walls
Fly away, fly away
Oh, to be able to get away from here someday
Is a lie, I know that
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The girl came again today, to the same spot as yesterday. Today was different though, as she brought along what seems to be her pet dog. Hokuto kept wondering what kind of business she needed to do in this kind of run down area, since she looked kind of out of place with her delicate white one-piece dress decorated with some pink ribbons, her long hair beautifully clipped with the same pink ribbon. She rolled out a picnic mat, took out some snacks and food for her dog before taking out her sketchbook from yesterday and began drawing again.
The more he looked at that girl, the more Hokuto realized how low and dirty he was. His unkempt black hair had grown long reaching his shoulders, covering almost half his face. His tattered clothes did nothing to cover the bruises he got from his owner, and the chains on his neck also did nothing to make him look any better. He used to dream of buying some nice clothes, but with his state right now, having something to cover his skin from the night wind felt like a luxury already. Over the time, he had made peace with the fact that he probably couldn’t be any cleaner than the garbage on the streets.
Then why now? Why’s he only feeling the sadness now when he already became a slave almost 5 years ago? Was it because of this girl? Maybe it was.
Without even trying, Hokuto realized he was never worthy enough to be able to stand beside that girl.
“...”
He’s afraid.
Afraid the girl will reject his company. Afraid the girl will look at him in disgust, the same way his owner’s colleagues look at him.
But at least, he still wants to try getting closer to her, even though the chances were near zero.
Maybe this time, the Big Dipper really was a sign of hope.
Whatever the thing that encouraged him was, Hokuto ran inside the abandoned shed behind the ‘prison’ building, searching for a paper and a pen. He didn’t want to waste any chances. He knew that if he tried to call her and talk to her normally, the guards in this ‘prison’, or even his owner himself would certainly beat him up, so he opted for another way.
When his mom was still alive, she taught him how to make paper planes. Fly those paper planes, let the wind bring it to the skies and stars above, his mom said. It’s been a long time since he last read or wrote, his owner would never let him. His hands felt stiff when he tried to lift the rusty pen with only a little ink left, but he forced himself to write some words on the yellowing paper. As words turned into sentences, Hokuto didn’t realize he had already filled in almost half of the page.
He walked back outside, thank God the guards weren’t there. That spot where he first saw the girl was never really monitored anyway, but just in case, he still felt some wariness. The girl was still there, some of her snacks finished. Hokuto folded the paper with his handwriting into a paper plane and flew it to the girl’s direction. He fidgeted with his chains, anxiously watching how the paper plane went above the fence.
The dog was the one who caught the paper plane. How smart of the dog, it seemed to understand what Hokuto did and brought the plane to its owner with its mouth. The girl looked a bit confused when her pet gave her the paper plane, she looked here and there, trying to search for its sender.
When her eyes met with Hokuto’s, he instantly felt hypnotized by her. She looked at him for a moment with a look Hokuto himself didn’t quite understand. His whole body froze. How should he explain this to that girl..?
He gestured to the girl to unfold the paper plane, which she soon obeyed. She opened the folded paper, then read the contents slowly.
Again, she looked at Hokuto again with an incomprehensible look after reading his letter. At that moment, Hokuto felt his heartbeat had suddenly stopped. The girl ripped one page of her sketchbook, writing something on top of it. Unexpectedly, she did the same thing, folded it into a paper plane and flew it to Hokuto.
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⚬────────── 🖤🖤🖤 ──────────⚬
Hello..?
I’m sorry, maybe you’re scared, surprised, or disgusted with this letter.
If you’d like… may I get to know you?
It’s okay if you don’t want to say your name, I don’t mind.
I’m just interested in talking to you. I didn’t really have anyone to talk to here.
I’m sorry too that I can’t approach you directly.
It’s not like I didn’t want to. I just… can’t.
It’s okay with me too if you want to throw this letter away.
Sorry for disturbing you and taking your time.
Maybe this dirty me wasn’t even supposed to talk to someone like you…
⚬────────── 🖤🖤🖤 ──────────⚬
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⚬────────── 🩷🩷🩷 ──────────⚬
Hello there. Thank you for the letter, I appreciate it.
But we need to get some things straight first if you want to continue this paper plane correspondence.
First of all, I need to tell you that I’m actually a man. And please, don’t ask me the reason why I dress like this. Sorry for getting your hopes too high if you really see me… that way, as the opposite gender.
I don’t mind if you still want to continue messaging me after knowing this. But before that, some advice: you said too much ‘sorry’. Though I somehow understand why you’d act like that. I probably worked long enough around here to know what kind of place you’re in right now. But I need you to stop looking down on yourself if you intend to talk to me, just consider us equals.
I didn’t expect any company in this kind of place, and I’m usually okay with spending time by myself, but I admit it gets quite boring too. You don’t look that bad as a conversation partner either. I like it this way.
So… I’ll leave the decision on you. But you better be careful of those guards in your place when flying those paper planes.
⚬────────── 🩷🩷🩷 ──────────⚬
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⚬────────── 🖤🖤🖤 ──────────⚬
No, no, I never thought about approaching you… that way, with that kind of intention… I just wanted to try talking to you. I don’t mind your looks and such. I’m probably the last person who had the right to comment on how you dress. (Your dress is pretty, by the way. Please don’t misunderstand, I just like seeing pretty clothes, even though I know I can’t own one…)
So… may I take that as a yes?
I think I need to thank your dog too for delivering my first letter to you. She looks adorable.
Again, I’m sorry (please let me say it this one time, I’ll try to reduce it from now on) for being weird, approaching you out of nowhere. I’m sorry too for being awkward, it’s been a long time since I talked to someone around my age (you do look like one, my apologies if I got it wrong).
Did you say you work around here? That’s quite unusual. There’s only this ‘prison’ (I usually call it that), a quite big hospital and some other run down facilities, as far as I can remember. Since you have a job around here, I think it’s better for you not to tell me your name, for your own safety too in case my owner’s bodyguards found out about you…
Anyways, there’s one more thing I’d like to ask…
Why did you accept my offer? I know you don’t want me to think so low about myself, but I can’t help but get curious about it. Aren’t you… disgusted of me?
⚬────────── 🖤🖤🖤 ──────────⚬
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⚬────────── 🩷🩷🩷 ──────────⚬
It’s settled then. Nice to meet you, Mr. whoever-your-name-is.
My dress? My mom chose it for me. I don’t really understand fashion so I usually let other people choose for me. Especially my mom, she’s the nosiest one about my clothes. She’ll be very happy if she hears your compliment, though.
I never thought you’re into fashion. Mind telling me more?
Honestly, anything will do, your hobbies or interests other than fashion, or maybe about yourself in general, that’s fine with me too.
And you’ve met Anzu too. She’s cute, right? I’ll tell her to deliver my letters to you if I’m not around. I’m usually here around 1 to 2 p.m., during my lunch break, but sometimes there are things I need to do that I can’t always be here.
Yes, I work around here. I’m just some kind of a temporary employee, though. Speaking of weird, I think I’m also weird here. Bringing my dog to my workplace, hanging out in this empty field alone during my lunch break instead of somewhere else with more people, don’t you think that’s weird? We are even now in terms of weirdness.
Even though I’m working around here, I was actually here for another reason. I’m sorry I can’t tell you about it… yet. I’m not ready.
But if I should say, we are actually not that different.
Robbed of our freedom.
Well… your journey to attain your freedom might be tougher, I guess (sorry, I lack better words).
Maybe that’s why I’m interested in this letter exchange, if I can call it that. I somehow… understand how you feel.
Let’s keep doing this for the meantime.
⚬────────── 🩷🩷🩷 ──────────⚬
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⚬────────── 🖤🖤🖤 ──────────⚬
Thank you for agreeing to this… I’m really grateful.
I’m not the best correspondence partner, but I’ll do my best to answer and reply to you.
Please send my regards to your mom (I don’t think she’ll accept it from someone like me, though). She seems like a lovely lady for choosing such a beautiful dress for you.
And your dog’s name is Anzu-chan? That’s a cute name.
I can’t help but feel a bit jealous. My mom’s long gone so I kind of forgot how it feels like when you’re surrounded by people (and animals) who love you…
And no, I don’t think you’re weird… you look so insightful to me, as if you had so many stories to tell. I would love to hear all of that too, if you don’t mind.
About fashion… I’m not a professional or such, just someone who likes dressing up. Not the expensive kind of dressing up of course, just mix-matching whatever I had at home. I used to do it a lot before… before I lost my home and ended up here.
My other hobbies… I don’t know whether this still can be considered as a hobby, since it’s been a very long time since I last did it, but I like reading. Well, compared to yours (I assume you like drawing? Since you always bring that sketchbook), reading is a very boring hobby, I know. Nowadays I only read from whatever reading material I could find in my owner’s abandoned shed behind this ‘prison’.
I also like stargazing. My mom used to take me to the top of the hill to watch the stars, reading me stories about constellations and asterisms. But the stars… they somehow had turned into a bad omen for me. Every time I look up to the sky and see the stars that’s supposed to be a ray of hope, something bad always happens to me.
I sound so pathetic, am I? Sorry (again) for making this letter a depressing read. My life was always far from pleasant, I don’t know what else I can say about myself…
What about you? What do you like? I don’t really get what you mean by we are not that different, but your story must be less depressing, I guess?
⚬────────── 🖤🖤🖤 ──────────⚬
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⚬────────── 🩷🩷🩷 ──────────⚬
Oh, she is one hell of a lovely lady, indeed. (I’m joking, okay. Don’t kill me.)
Don’t worry, she’ll be more than happy when she knows someone likes her fashion taste.
And sorry to hear that, about your mom… I didn’t know that. Must be tough for you there.
I’m not good at giving motivational words, but hang on a bit more, maybe someday we’ll get to step out of this hellhole.
Wow… you’ve got quite the range for hobbies there. I’m now curious on how you would style someone else’s clothes. Once you get out of there, I’ll let you try choosing clothes for me.
To be honest, it’s been a long time since… since I last wore men’s clothing. I got used to wearing women’s dresses at this point, and they’re not that bad after all, but I would love to wear men’s clothing again someday.
I don’t think reading is boring. It’s like opening the window to a new world. I sometimes read too when I run out of ideas to draw. I can bring some books over if you’d like, I’ll send Anzu to pass through that tall fence and deliver it to you. She’s small enough to slip through the gaps, and if you can sneak through the guards I think you can also pet her for a few minutes. (But Anzu can’t bring anything too thick like a dictionary, just some light ones. Apologies for that.)
And you like the stars too, huh? They’re beautiful, I know. Night skies are also one of the objects I like to draw. Seriously, if you can go outside of that cage right now, you should see the view from this one hill I visited in the next town. The stars were so clear you could spot some constellations easily. Sometimes you can even see shooting stars. I think you’ll certainly like it.
Speaking of unpleasant life, truth to be said, mine’s not that splendid either. Due to my conditions, which I can’t tell you yet, I can’t really go outside and mostly spend my life indoors. Not that I hate it, though. I get to draw, play the piano, read books, and play with Anzu all day. So yes, you can say I like those things… mostly drawing and music. And Anzu.
But I can’t deny myself that sometimes I want to see new things. Travel to places I’ve never seen before. I want to try buying a camera and take pictures of the things I saw and haven’t seen yet, and keep those pictures in an album as a memoir, like a painter’s gallery where said painter puts all his masterpieces in one big room. I don’t know when I can ever do such a thing. If I ever make one, I’ll show it to you.
Maybe someday, I… no, we can be free of whatever burden we have now. I hope so. When that day comes, shall we go together? Okay, that’s kind of shameless of me, sorry. I mean, we shall go wherever we want to. Me traveling with my camera, you go exploring all the libraries in town. Then we can meet up and go stargazing in the most beautiful spot where we can see the brightest star.
Until that day comes, until you can see it yourself how the stars aren’t always a bad omen… just hang on a bit more, okay? I’ll also try my best to hang on here.
(I can’t believe I’m saying this to a stranger whose name I don’t even know)
⚬────────── 🩷🩷🩷 ──────────⚬
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⚬────────── 🖤🖤🖤 ──────────⚬
Please, don’t be sorry. I’ve made peace with my parents’ passing a long time ago. Thank you for the concern, though.
If you insist, then maybe you can guide me to the boutiques or clothing stores you want to visit. I don’t know what style you like, and I cannot promise anything, but I’ll try to choose the best for you.
Oh, you’re making me all jealous now… if only I can get out of here, which I’m not even sure when. And that’s very kind of you, wanting to give me books and such, I really appreciate that. But please, don’t push yourself (and Anzu-chan) into it. I’m totally fine with just exchanging letters like this. It already feels like a luxury to me, far more than what I could ask for…
Creating a huge collection of travel photos and putting them together… That sounds so cool. You’re really an amazing person, I feel like you can do it. I’ve never seen nor touched a camera in person as well, so I can’t wait to see how many photos you’ll take.
Someday, huh…
Honestly, wherever you invite me to, I’ll still gladly accept it. We can just sit in the park and do nothing and I’ll still be happy. I hope you don’t mind listening to me talk about the stars, of course I’ll also listen to your stories, look at your drawings and photos, or anything you want to talk about.
But I don’t even know whether I’ll make it out from here… alive… I know I should stop being negative at this point, but the thoughts always keep coming.
But you… talking with you made me feel like I’m not in this cage anymore. Exchanging these letters with you feels like nothing is impossible and I can make all my dreams come true. Thank you so much. It’s been a long time since I felt this way.
Until that day… I want to believe that the stars are pointing the right way to me by bringing us together, even though it had to be this way.
Again, thank you for being with me here…
(I hope one day we can introduce ourselves properly.)
⚬────────── 🖤🖤🖤 ──────────⚬
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Your existence made me feel like all lies could come true
“Come here and have a talk with me.”
You’d never know my agony
But watching you from here, is a tiny happiness for tomorrow
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As days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months, not only two or three—no, maybe dozens of paper planes have been flown across the tall fence that separates them from getting close to a verbal conversational distance. Hokuto almost lost count already, but he always makes sure those letters are tidily kept behind some of the loose bricks on his ‘prison’ cell, where there was a hole big enough to hide the paper planes away from his owner and the guards.
Hokuto knew very well he would never escape this place. His freedom had been taken away from the moment those chains were attached onto his neck and limbs.
But that girl… no, young man in white dress with pink ribbons, had given him something he lost years ago.
Hope.
Maybe this time, the Big Dipper is not a bad omen.
In the middle of this dark cell behind the ‘prison’ bars, those letters folded into paper planes were his only source of light. Those letters felt like they’ve also lit up the seven stars inside Hokuto back, one by one. In the middle of his desolate world, that young man and his letters were his only happiness. Little happinesses for him to hold on, to continue for a bit more, even though it feels impossible to see tomorrow.
In the middle of the dimmed nights, that young man was the North Star to Hokuto’s Big Dipper.
But that young man was also a reminder to him—a hard slap on the face for him, that no matter how hard he tries, Hokuto would never reach the young man beyond the fence.
Was it wrong for him to hope?
All these fleeting moments, all the lies, unfulfilled dreams, mere hallucinations, all seemed to come true every time he read the young man’s letters.
Maybe this time, the Big Dipper will show him his way back home.
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The clock shows 1 p.m., but the skies were starting to get cloudy.
Hokuto stood at the same place, behind the tall fence where he would usually wait for the young man who’s been exchanging letters with him, giving colors to his dull days. He must admit that the burden he’s been carrying had somehow become lighter with the young man’s presence. Those thoughts of wanting to die had slowly turned into I want to receive letters from him again, making those letters into some kind of amulet for him to stay alive. He still kept those letters behind the loose bricks in his cell, always waiting for the continuation to come the next day.
The young man had said that he would be out of town for a few weeks, so he can’t reply to the letters in the meantime. Today was supposed to be the day he would come back, according to his last letter. Hokuto clenched at the papers and pen he had prepared, ready to fold them into paper planes to send it to its designated receiver, but he slowly got worried that the young man might not come that day if it turns out to be raining.
Finally, he could see a silhouette of a small dog running. Hokuto was about to be excited when he noticed the dog—Anzu, the young man’s pet dog, running to him, but he couldn’t hide his slight disappointment when Anzu’s owner didn’t come together with her like he usually did.
Anzu rammed her head onto the fence, there was a ribbon attached to her collar. Hokuto helped her pass through the small hole on the fence, and he noticed the dog had brought some kind of a small wrapped parcel in her mouth. On the tip of Anzu’s ribbon was a paper plane. Anzu dropped the parcel on the ground, the dog then continued to snuggle herself onto Hokuto’s lap, as if signalling him to open the paper plane, which he did as told, and petted the dog’s head after. Maybe the young man was busy or had some urgent stuff going on today that he couldn’t come, so he sent Anzu on his behalf. It feels funny that Hokuto knew the young man’s dog’s name first than the young man himself with whom he always exchanges letters, even though it was per Hokuto’s own wish that they kept their names secret. He doesn’t want anything to happen to the young man, as he knows how well his owner will react if someday they got caught. Let this be a secret between them, and Anzu of course.
Hokuto then proceeded to read the letter he’s been waiting for.
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Days and months have passed since then
Paper planes from you everyday were my happiness, happiness
But suddenly one day, you said to me
You had to go away
So goodbye, goodbye
Oh, I have been living in agony
But I had never cried like today
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⚬────────── 🩷🩷🩷 ──────────⚬
Hello. Long time no see. Sorry for disappearing suddenly and only reappearing now.
How are you? How have you been doing? I hope you’re fine there.
I’ve been thinking about you the whole time we didn’t exchange letters. Are you still… alive? Have those bruises on your body lessen and get better? Are you eating properly?
I kept thinking about that.
Strange, I know… why did I care this much about you whose name I don’t even know.
But I can’t shrug off the fact that your letters have given me strength, the strength to persevere through all the obstacles I’m facing. I hope my letters did the same to you too, since I don’t think I can’t give you more than that…
When you read this letter, maybe this was my last letter to you.
I… I’m so sorry. I should’ve explained this earlier.
I myself didn’t even think it would turn out this way.
My body is being struck by an incurable disease. The doctors said I’m not going to live much longer. I tried to hide all of this from you, but I don’t think my heart can. I thought I could get better, I thought I could recover totally from this disease. But a few days ago my condition worsened. I sometimes can’t move my arms and legs. I can’t even feel Anzu licking my hands.
Honestly, I don’t know how much time I have left, so maybe this is the right moment to tell you all the questions you might want to ask me.
The outside world… They were in the middle of a war, if you might know. I was an only child, the only son my parents have. The government had ordered every male in the family to become a soldier and aid the war. My parents don't want to lose me so badly that they disguised me as a girl to avoid prescription. I hope this answers your confusion.
During the time when we didn’t meet each other, many things happened. The war is finally coming to an end. I thought maybe I can also finally show you how I look with men’s clothes. But… things happened, my body got weaker. By the time you read this, maybe you already knew why I always hang out around here, near the hospital building you can see from your place. Yeah, I’m not actually working here, just helping around to lessen my boredom. The hospital belonged to one of my dad’s acquaintances, and since this place was deserted enough, my dad thought he could hide me here.
I left the town for some time, it was because the doctors here couldn’t treat my body anymore and they needed to transfer me to another hospital. But even though the treatment there was better, it did nothing to cure me from my illness.
In the end, I went back here. I thought, maybe if I were to die anytime soon, maybe I’ll just die here, where I can see you for the last time from my hospital room’s window.
It seems that my journey to attain freedom now will be harder than yours, I guess… that ‘someday’ we’ve been dreaming of feels so far away now. The doctors told me not to go out much. I probably can’t meet you again. Oh, how bad I want to go buy that camera and take travel pictures now. If only you know, I’m currently saving money for those. I want to take you and Anzu with me, collect travel photos together, go shopping and watch the stars together.
Maybe someday, when you’re free from those chains, please take Anzu with you and go travel the outside world.
By the way, I got you something as a parting gift. Found it when I was out of town. It reminded me of you so I bought it on the spot. Hope you like it.
I’ll never forget you. Thank you for staying with me all this time. Maybe the stars had warned me of a bad omen, but don’t let it be a bad omen for you… please find a better person than me who can always be by your side.
⚬────────── 🩷🩷🩷 ──────────⚬
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Hokuto felt his whole body had frozen. His fingers went numb, his hands suddenly unable to properly hold the letter he had just read and dropped it to the ground. He couldn’t believe what he just read. No… he didn’t want to believe it.
Anzu was still there. She licked his fingers, as if trying to calm him down. The dog lifted the parcel from the ground onto his lap. Hokuto, with his hands still shaking, then opened the wrapper slowly.
It was a book. More precisely a storybook with an illustration of two boys aboard a train on top of a starry sky.
He didn’t realize tears had started forming in his eyes, falling down to his cheeks. When was the last time he cried? Was it when his mom died? Was it on the night he got bought by his owner? Hokuto felt his head hurt when thinking about it. When he thought that he finally can get that happiness he’s been waiting his whole life for, that source of happiness got robbed from him just like that. His only light, his North Star…
Was the galaxy playing a joke on him? Was the Big Dipper still showing him the right path?
If Hokuto was really born as the Big Dipper destined to light the way for others… then he preferred not to be born at all. The Big Dipper’s purpose was to point at the North Star. What was the use of the Big Dipper if he had lost his North Star?
Hokuto reached out for the pen and papers he dropped earlier and began writing. Writing a reply letter for the last time, in which he doesn’t even know whether the young man will read it or not.
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⚬────────── 🖤🖤🖤 ──────────⚬
Hello there too.
I don’t even know whether I myself is okay or not.
Am I all messed up? Yes. Are you the wrong one here? Oh, how I wish I could say that. Did you give me a false hope? Maybe, it’s not completely wrong.
But you know I’ll never be able to say that all to you. In the end, you’re just one of the many victims of this world’s cruelty. This unfair world that treats me and you this way. I kept asking myself, what did we do to deserve such a fate? What’s our sin to be deserving such a heavy punishment? Does this world hate us this much?
But in the end, in the middle of this cruel world, it allowed me to meet you.
I never tell my name to you, but maybe I’ll let you know the meaning behind it this one last time. My name was taken from the Big Dipper asterism, my mom said people used it as a path navigator, as it always points to the North Star. Like the Big Dipper, my parents hoped I could be a guide to others. Looking back at my life, I always thought my parents were wrong for giving me this name.
Until I met you. If I was the Big Dipper, then you… you are my North Star. I thought meeting you was fate. I thought maybe that Big Dipper up in the sky was finally showing me my way back home to my happiness.
In the end, it’s all my fault, not yours. I was the one hoping too much for a chance to talk to you. I’m too naive to think this world might be kind to me this one time. I knew I could never get out of here to reach my freedom, to reach you, the brightest star among my dark nights.
Are my words too over the place?
But in reality, it is what it is. You and your paper planes had lit up my life. The light that guided me through tomorrow. It felt like all those false hopes can actually be real when you showed up behind that fence.
Thank you for the book. I’ll read it later.
Is it too selfish if I want you here with me, reading this book you gave me while looking up to the sky together? Is it too selfish if I hope for the Big Dipper not to be a bad omen for both of us? Is it too selfish if I want you to travel the world with me and Anzu?
What’s the point of the Big Dipper if there’s no North Star?
Please don’t go… I still need you here…
⚬────────── 🖤🖤🖤 ──────────⚬
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Your existence made it so I felt like I could change any fate into a smile
Seeing you, whose name I didn’t know, I felt like I restored a bright future
I can’t call you,
I can’t chase you,
I can’t get out of here,
I can’t do anything
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“Are you secretly planning something behind my back!?”
“Don’t touch that—”
One slash.
That big tall middle-aged man took off the whip attached to his belt and whipped it on Hokuto’s skinny body.
It hurts…
Hokuto was more than used to being beaten and tortured by his owner. So why? Why does it hurt more this time?
“Care to explain to me about these letters?”
They found them. Those paper plane letters.
There was this one guard who became a witness of their correspondence when he saw Hokuto flying the paper planes. Said guard then reported it to his master, soon they searched his cell without warning, and immediately found those letters behind the loose brick on his cell walls.
“Heh… this person you’ve been exchanging letters with, they’re working around here?” The big tall man flipped through the letters one by one. “Are they planning to help you escape?”
“Please, that’s mine…”
Hokuto tried hard to stand again after being whipped on his back. With faltering steps, he walked towards his master, intending to retrieve the letters back. However, he was immediately stopped by a guard who swiftly brought him to his knees, his hands held behind his back.
His owner stared scornfully at him. “Yours? I don’t remember ever giving you permission to own anything other than that old clothes you wear.”
Two slashes.
“You’ve gained the courage to go against me, it seems.”
Three slashes. Four slashes.
Fresh blood had made its way, pouring from the open wound his owner had just inflicted on him. Hokuto could feel his vision blurring, but he fought to keep himself from collapsing.
He can’t let it happen.
“This person’s around your age, hmm… a temporary worker, they said?” His owner keeps reading through the papers with a lot of folding lines.
“You’re smart enough to not ask each other’s names. Afraid you’ll get caught and I’ll question you?”
The middle-aged man tore up the letters he had finished reading one by one, before moving on to the next letters.
“No!! Give it back… Please…”
Five slashes.
“Shut your mouth! Who allows you to speak?”
Slashes kept coming towards him. But the pain he felt on his skin would never be more painful than the pain in his heart when he watched those paper planes, the thing keeping him sane all this time got torn right in front of his very eyes.
Hokuto only prayed that they wouldn't find the young man. Whatever happened here, let it stay here forever, let it happen to him only. He was the one who started all of this. This all happened because a lonely Hokuto found a flower blooming beautifully in the middle of a dark grassfields. If he hadn't initiated it, the young man would never have spoken to him. The young man had been dragged into all of this, all because of him. Because of Hokuto’s own selfishness, who sought light amidst darkness, who sought fleeting happiness he thought he could reach. And it’s stupid of him only to realize that now, the consequences of all the foolish things he had done.
He didn’t care anymore if he ended up not getting out of here alive. If the Big Dipper showed lost travelers their way, he just hoped that the Big Dipper would also guide the young man out of all this trouble and misery. Hokuto couldn’t bear it anymore if he lost another of his loved ones.
Please, please just protect him…
His owner continued reading through all his letters, until one part caught his attention.
“Hmm? This person is a man disguised as a woman… and he was hospitalized nearby?”
Hokuto felt his heart just drop and crushed into pieces. His face turned pale, he couldn’t move his body.
“Sir… is she—I mean he, might be Mr. Kyomoto’s son?” one of his owner’s guards said to their boss. “I heard some rumors about him disguising his son as a female, and I remember seeing him bringing his family to that hospital some time ago. We’ve also been seeing them around for a while, don’t we?”
“That Kyomoto who’s been thwarting my business plans, huh… So now he’s using my property to trespass my lawn.”
No…
“Do you know where this Kyomoto son is now?”
“These days we haven’t seen him again, but most likely they’re still around.”
Hokuto didn’t want to hear it anymore.
Not him…
Please, anything but him…
“DON’T TOUCH HIM!!”
He didn’t care anymore about anything except that young man.
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“Prisoner number 618… You killed your own master and three guards who were your master's bodyguards, using the slave chain hanging around your neck as a weapon.”
“We will now decide what we should do to you in three days' time.”
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Finally, it’s my turn
In this moment without you, I have no regrets in this world
But why is my heart screaming?
I want to live a little longer
I no longer have complicated feelings
I just “want to see you” one last time
Never will I be able to return to those days I spent with you
I remember them like a flash
Everything you gave me, one by one became my only sustenance to live
By the side of the weeds choked with darkness,
There was one flower blooming beautifully
Even though we live in different worlds
I tried desperately to reach you
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Hokuto could feel his weak body being dragged into a dark, cramped, and unlit room, unable to even see the sky. He recognized it as the basement cell, where his owner used to punish his disobedient slaves.
He was there to rest before facing the consequences of his thoughtless actions.
He didn't know what was going through his mind until he lunged at his owner, wrapping the chain around his neck, and his owner died from suffocation. A few moments after he regained his sanity, a group of people in the same attire as his owner’s bodyguards arrived, accompanied by a woman with short hair, whom Hokuto recognized as his owner’s wife, and she immediately ordered the bodyguards to bring Hokuto with them.
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“You killed my husband, whom I’ve been trying to get rid off and take all his inheritance. But now… we don’t know when you will act like that again. I don’t know whether I should thank you or dispose you.” The short-haired woman said while looking at him with a look that Hokuto couldn't understand. This woman seemed to be looking down on him, but also praising him.
Either way, Hokuto doesn’t care.
“Where… is he..?”
“The Kyomotos? Probably went somewhere far you can’t reach, accompanying their son’s last days of living on earth.”
“... is he… safe?”
“Well… who knows?”
“...”
“I’ll let you live for three days. I’ll also grant you one last wish before I get rid of you for good.”
“... I don’t need that.”
“Are you sure? I’m rarely this kind to a lowly slave like you.”
“Kind… you said?”
Hokuto bit his lips. His own breath felt suffocating. His body trembled, but he had no more tears left to shed.
"It's no use asking for it now… What I want is already beyond my reach... Even though I said it out, you won't grant my request either… will you?"
“...”
“... if I tell you I want to meet him for one last time, will you grant it?”
“...”
“... if I tell you I just want to know his name, will you grant it?”
“...”
“You won’t… will you?”
“...”
“Yeah, you won’t… neither you, nor this world will ever allow me to see the stars…”
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If this is really the last time, please, let me talk to him
In the small, dark closed chamber, those screams are resounding vainly
Feeling pain in my chest, I can hardly breathe
I wanted to know just one thing
Your name…
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Hokuto sat in the darkest corner of the room, hugging his numb legs. They had decided to cut the tendons in his legs so he couldn't lunge and hurt anyone else, after he tried to attack the short-haired woman. And of course, he couldn't escape.
Was it wrong for him to want to see that young man again? That young man whose name he didn't know? Was it wrong for him to want to see the young man for one last time?
Inside the lightless room, Hokuto’s screams and moans echoed, unheard by anyone outside. He looked up at the narrow ceiling, imagining it being replaced by a boundless starry sky, where stars unite with each other and form constellations.
He imagined his paper airplane soaring into the sky, taking him to the place he longed to visit. He imagined the iron fence crumbling, with himself flying to the limitless galaxy, until he finally reached the one beautiful star shining brighter than any other stars surrounding it.
He headed towards that light, with nothing standing between them.
There, he would finally know the name of his North Star…
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